... 


r    * 
.    * 


„>*    ' 

^ 


i- 


THE  ADVENTURES 


MR,  VERDANT  GREEN 


BY    CUTHBERT    BEDE,   B.A. 

THREE  VOLUMES  IN   ONE. 

WITii  NEABLY  TWO  HUNDRED  HUMOBOU6  ILLUSTRATIONS 
BY  TUB  AUTHOR. 


"A  College  joke  to  cure  the  dumps." 


Kunrnrrn  THOUSAND 


NEW    YORK  : 

Carleton,  Publisher,  Madison  Square. 


LONDON  :    S.  LOW,  SON  &  CO. 
M  DCCC  LXX. 


(See  oage  30.) 


CUtB»»*T   BBDB,  INVT.  BT  DBLT. 


B.  BYANS,  »C. 


MB.  VERDANT  GREEN 
rmuruacs  THE  SUBJECT  FOB  A  STRIKING  FBONTISFIBGK. 


CONTENTS  OF  PART  I. 


CHAPTER  L 
Mr.  Verdant  Green's  Relatives  and  Antecedents       •        •        .       1 

CHAPTER  IL 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  is  to  be  tra  Oxford  Freshman      .        ;       i       8 

CHAPTER  IIL 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  leaves  the  Home  of  his  Ancestors       .        ,      16 

CHAPTKK  HT. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  becomes  an  Oxford  Undergraduate      .       ,      8T 

CHAPTER  V. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  matriculates,  and  makes  a  sensation  .       •      86 

CHAPTER  VI. 
Vfr.  Verdant  Green  dines  breakfasts,  and  goes  to  Chapel  .       .      46 

CHAPTER  VIL 

Mr.  V*iraant  Green  calls  on  A  Gentleman  who  M  is  licensed 

to  sell"       •  •      M 


fy  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

x*ia 

Mr.  Verdant  Green's  Morning  Keflections  are  not  so  pleasant  as 

his  Evening  Diversions .66 

CHAPTER  IX. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  attends  Lectures,  and,  in  despite  of  Sermons, 

has  dealings  with  Filthy  Lucre 78 

CHAPTER  X 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  reforms  his  Tailor's  Bills  and  runs  up  others. 
He  also  appears  in  a  rapid  act  of  Horsemanship,  and  finds 
Ms  cool  in  Summer  ........  87 

CHAPTER  XL 
Mr.  Verdant  Green's  Sports  and  Pastimes          •       •        •        .      99 

CHAPTER  XII. 

Mr    Verdant  Green  terminates  his  existence  as  an  Oxford 

Freshman          ,,.....«.    110 


CHAPTER  L 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  recommences  his  existence  as  an  Oxford 
Undergraduate •        •       • 

CHAPTER  IL 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  does  as  he  has  been  done  by       »       I       I 

CHAPTER  IIL 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  endeavours  to  keep  his  Spirits  up  by  pour- 

ir.g  Spirits  down         ..••••••** 

CHAPTER  IV. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  discovers  the  difference  between  Town  and 
Gown 

CHAPTER  V. 

I 

M*  Verdant  Green  is  favoured  with  Mr.  Bouncer's  Opinions 
regarding  an  Undergraduate's  Epistolary  Commumcatio 
to  his  Maternal  Relative  •••••• 

CHAPTER  VI 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  feathers  his  oara  with  skill  and  dexterity     .      « 


fl  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  VII. 

PAOl 

Mr  Verdant  Green  partakes  of  a  Dove-tart  and  a  Spread-eagle       59 

CHAPTER  YIIL 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  spends  a  Merry  Christmas  ana  a  Happy 

New  Year 68 

• 

CHAPTER  IX. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  makes  his  first  appearance  on  any  Boards  .       75 

CHAPTER  X. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  enjoys  a  real  Cigar 87 

CHAPTER  XL 
ICr.  Verdant  Green  gets  through  his  Smalls      .        •        •        •      W 

CHAPTER  TTT. 
ICr.  Verdant  Green  and  his  Friends  enjoy  the  Commemoration       104 


CONTENTS  OF  PART  IIL 


CHAPTER  L 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  travels  North 


CHAPTER  IL 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  delivers  Miss  Patty  Honeywood  from  the 
Horns  of  a  Dilemma • 

CHAPTER  III 

Mr.  Verdant  Green    studies  y«  Manners  and  Customs  of  j* 
Natvves 


CHAPTER  IV. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  endeavours  to  say  Snip  to  some  one's  Snap       26 

CHAPTER  V. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  meets  with  the  Green-eyed  Monster    . 

CHAPTER  VL 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  joins  a  Northumberland  Pic-Nic 

CHAPTER  VIL 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  has  an  Inkling  of  the  Future 


Viii  CONTENTS, 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

*MB 

Mr  Verdant  Green  crosses  the  Rubicon  •       •       •       •      6? 

CHAPTER  IX. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  asks  Papa   ..••••»•• 

CHAPTER  X. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  is  made  a  Mason  .       »        *        •      78 

CHAPTER  XL 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  breakfasts  with  Mr.  Bounoer,  and  enters  for 
a  Grind 

CHAPTER  XIL 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  takes  his  Degree  «        •  .96 

CHAPTER  THE  LAST. 
Mr.  Verd^t  Green  is  Married  aad  Done  for      ,        ...    104 


THE  ADVENTURES 


MR,   YERDANT  GREEN. 


CHAPTER  L 

MB.  VERDANT  GREEN'S  RELATIVES  AND  ANTECEDENTS. 

fa1  you  will  refer  to  the  unpublished  volume  of  "  Burke's  Landed 
Gentry,"  and  turn  to  letter  G,  article  "  GREEN,**  you  will  see  that 
the  Verdant  Greens  are  a  family  of  some  respectability  and  of  con 
siderable  antiquity.  We  meet  with  them  as  early  as  1096,  flock 
ing  to  the  Crusades  among  the  followers  of  Peter  the  Hermit,  when 
one  of  their  name,  Greene  surnamed  the  Witless,  mortgaged  hit 
lands  in  order  to  supply  his  poorer  companions  with  the  sinews  of 
war.  The  family  estate,  however,  appears  to  have  been  redeemed 
and  greatly  increased  by  his  great-grandson,  Hugo  de  Greene,  but 
was  again  jeoparded  in  the  year  1456,  when  Basil  Greene,  being 
commissioned  by  Henry  the  Sixth  to  enrich  his  sovereign  by  dis 
covering  the  philosopher's  stone,  squandered  the  greater  part  of  his 
fortune  in  unavailing  experiments ;  while  his  son,  who  was  also  in 
fected  with  the  spirit  of  the  age,  was  blown  up  in  his  laboratory  when 
just  on  the  point  of  discovering  the  elixir  of  life.  It  seems  to  have 
been  about  this  time  that  the  Greenes  became  connected  by  marriage 
with  the  equally  old  family  of  the  Verdants;  and,  in  the  year  1510, 
we  find  a  Verdant  Greene  as  justice  of  the  peace  for  the  county  of 
Warwick,  presiding  at  the  trial  of  three  decrepid  old  women,  who, 
being  found  guilty  of  transforming  themselves  into  cats,  and  in  that 
shape  attending  the  nightly  assemblies  of  evil  spirits,  were  very  pro 
perly  pronounced  by  him  to  be  witches,  and  were  burnt  with  all  due 
solemnity. 


2          THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

In  tracing  the  records  of  the  family,  we  do  not  find  that  any  <A 
its  members  attained  to  great  eminence  in  the  state,  either  in  the 
counsels  of  the  senate  or  the  active  services  of  the  field ;  or  that  they 
amassed  any  unusual  amount  of  wealth  or  landed  property.  But  we 
may  perhaps  ascribe  these  circumstances  to  the  fact  of  finding  the 
Greens,  generation  after  generation,  made  the  dupes  of  more  astute 
minds,  and  when  the  hour  of  danger  came,  left  to  manage  their  own 
affairs  in  the  best  way  they  could, — a  way  that  commonly  ended  in 
their  mismanagement  and -total  confusion.  Indeed,  the  idiosyncrasy 
3f  the  family  appears  to  have  been  so  well  known,  that  we  continually 
neet  with  them  performing  the  character  of  catspaw  to  some  monkey 
who  had  seen  and  understood  much  more  of  the  world  than  they  had, 
— putting  their  hands  to  the  fire,  and  only  finding  out  their  mistake 
when  they  had  burned  their  fingers. 

In  this  way  the  family  of  the  Verdant  Greens  never  got  beyond 
a  certain  point  either  in  wealth  or  station,  but  were  always  the 
same  unsuspicious,  credulous,  respectable,  easy-going  people  in  one 
century  as  another,  with  the  same  boundless  confidence  in  their 
fellow-creatures,  and  the  same  readiness  to  oblige  society  by  putting 
their  names  to  little  bills,  merely  for  form's  and  friendship's  sake, 
The  Vavasour  Verdant  Green,  with  the  slashed  velvet  doublet  and 
point-lace  fall,  who  (having  a  well-stocked  purse)  was  among  the 
favoured  courtiers  of  the  Merry  Monarch,  and  who  allowed  that 
monarch  in  his  merriness  to  borrow  his  purse,  with  the  simple  I.  0.  U. 
of  "  Odd's  fish !  you  shall  take  mine  to-morrow !"  and  who  never 
(of  course)  saw  the  sun  rise  on  the  day  of  repayment,  was  but  the 
prototype  of  the  Verdant  Greens  in  the  full-bottomed  wigs,  and 
buckles  and  shorts  01  George  I.'s  day,  who  were  nearly  beggared  by 
the  bursting  of  the  Mississippi  Scheme  and  South-Sea  Bubble;  and 
these,  in  their  turn,  were  duly  represented  by  their  successors.  And 
thus  the  family  character  was  handed  down  with  the  family  nose, 
until  they  both  re-appeared  (according  to  the  veracious  chronicle  of 
Burke,  to  which  we  have  referred)  in 

"  VERDANT  GREEN,  of  the  Manor  Green,  Co.  Warwick,  Gent., 
who  married  Mary,  only  surviving  child  of  Samuel  Sappey,  Esq.,  of 
Sapcot  Hall,  Co.  Salop ;  by  whom  he  has  issue,  one  son,  and  three 
daughters :  Mary, — VERDANT, — Helen, — Fanny." 

Mr.  Burke  is  unfeeling  enough  to  give  the  dates  when  this  bunch 
of  Greens  first  made  their  appearance  in  the  world  ;  but  these  dates 
we  withhold,  from  a  delicate  regard  to  personal  feelings,  which  will 
be  duly  appreciated  by  those  \\a^  have  felt  the  sacredness  of  their 
domestic  hearth  to  be  tampered  with  by  the  obtrusive  impertinences 
of  a  census-paper. 

It  is  sufficient  for  our  purpose  to  say,  that  our  hero,  Mr  Verdant 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  $ 

Green,  junior,  was  born  much  in  *he  same  way  as  othei  folk.     A  nd 


through  their  trouble,  and  bein  aweer  of  what  is  doo  to  a  Hinfaut," — 
yet  we  are  not  aware  that  his  debut  on  the  stage  of  life,  although 
thus  applauded  by  such  a  clacqueur  as  the  indiscriminating  Toosy- 
pegs,  was  announced  to  the  world  at  large  by  any  other  means  than 
the  notices  in  the  county  papers,  and  the  six-shilling  advertisement 
in  the  Times. 

"  Progidy"  though  he  was,  even  as  a  baby,  yet  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  nativity  seems  to  have  been  chronicled  merely  in  this,  every 
day  manner,  and  does  not  appear  to  have  been  accompanied  by  any 
of  those  more  monstrous  phenomena,  which  in  earlier  ages  attended 
the  production  of  a  genuine  prodigy.  We  are  not  aware  that  M  s. 
Green's  favourite  Alderney  spoke  on  that  occasion,  or  conducted  itself 
otherwise  than  as  unaccustomed  to  puhlic  speaking  as  usual.  Neither 
can  we  verify  the  assertion  of  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole  the  gardener, 
that  the  plaster  Apollo  in  the  Long  Walk  was  observed  to  be  bathed 
in  a  profuse  perspiration,  either  from  its  feeling  compelled  to  keep 
up  the  good  old  classical  custom,  or  because  the  weather  was  damp. 
Neither  are  we  bold  enough  to  entertain  an  opinion  that  the  chickens 
in  the  poultry -yard  refused  their  customary  food ;  or  that  the  horses 
in  the  stable  shook  with  trembling  fear;  or  that 'any  thing,  or  any 
body,  saving  and  excepting  Mrs.  Toosypegs,  betrayed  any  conscious 
ness  that  a  real  and  genuine  prodigy  had  been  given  to  the  world. 

However,  during  the  first  two  years  of  his  life,  which  were  passed 
chiefly  in  drinking,  crying,  and  sleeping,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  met 
with  as  much  attention,  and  received  as  fair  a  share  of  approbation, 
as  usually  falls  to  the  lot  of  the 'most  favoured  of  infants.  Then 
Mrs.  Toosypegs  again  took  up  her  position  in  the  house,  and  his 
reign  was  over.  Faithful  to  her  mission,  she  pronounced  the  new 
baby  to  be  the  "  progidy,"  and  she  was  believed.  But  thus  it  is 
all  through  life ;  the  new  baby  displaces  the  old ;  the  second  love 
supplants  the  first;  we  find  fresh  friends  to  shut  out  the  memories 
of  former  ones ;  and  in  nearly  every  thing  we  discover  that  there 
is  a  Number  '2  which  can  put  out  of  joint  the  nose  of  Number  1 

Once  more  the  shadow  of  Mrs.  Toosypegs  fell  upon  the  walls  of 
Manor  Green ;  and  then  her  mission  being  accomplished,  she  } 
away  for  ever ;  and  our  hero  was  left  to  be  the  sole  son  and  heir, 
and  the  prop  and  pride  of  the  house  of  Green. 

And  if  it  be  true  that  the  external  forms  of  nature  exert  a  hidden 
but  powerful  sway  over  the  dawning  perceptions  of  the  mind,  and 
shape  its  thoughts  to  harmony  with  the  things  around,  then  niosi 


4          THE  ADVENTUBES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

certainly  ought  Mr.  Verdant  Green  to  have  been  born  a  poet;  for  he 
grew  up  amid  those  scenes  whose  immortality  is,  that  they  inspired 
the  &oul  of  Shakspeare  with  his  deathless  fancies  ! 

The  Manor  Green  was  situated  in  one  of  the  loveliest  spots  in 
all  Warwickshire ;  a  county  so  rich  in  all  that  constitutes  the  pic- 
turesqueness  of  a  true  English  landscape.  Looking  from  the  draw 
ing-room  windows  of  the  house,  you  saw  in  the  near  foreground 
the  pretty  French  garden,  with  its  fantastic  parti-coloured  beds,  and 
its  broad  gravelled  walks  and  terrace ;  proudly  promenading  which, 
or  perched  on  the  stone  balustrade,  might  be  seen  perchance  a  pea 
cock  flaunting  his  beauties  in  the  sun.  Then  came  the  carefully  kept 
gardens,  bounded  on  the  one  side  by  the  Long  Walk  and  a  grove  of 
shrubs  and  oaks;  and  on  the  other  side  by  a  double  avenue  of 
stately  elins,  that  led  through  velvet  turf  of  brightest  green,  down 
past  a  little  rustic  lodge,  to  a  gently  sloping  valley,  where  were  white 
walls  and  rose-clustered  gables  of  cottages  peeping  out  from  the 
embosoming  trees,  that  betrayed  the  village  beauties  they  seemed 
loth  to  hide.  Then  came  the  grey  church-tower,  dark  with  shroud 
ing  ivy ;  then  another  clump  of  stately  elms,  tenanted  by  cawing 
rooks ;  then  a  yellow  stretch  of  bright  meadow-land,  dappled  over 
with  browsing  kine  knee-deep  in  grass  and  flowers ;  then  a  deep 
pool  that  mirrored  all,  and  shone  like  silver ;  then  more  trees  with 
floating  shade,  and  homesteads  rich  in  wheat-s*tacks ;  then  a  willowy 
brook  that  sparkled  on  merrily  to  an  old  mill-wheel,  whose  slippery 
stairs  it  lazily  got  down,  and  sank  to  quiet  rest  in  the  stream  below; 
then  came,  crowding  in  rich  profusion,  wide-spreading  woods  and 
aotlered  oaks;  and  golden  gorse  and  purple  heather;  and  sunny 
orchards,  with  their  dark-green  waves  that  in  Spring  foamed  white 
with  blossoms ;  and  then  gently  swelling  hills  that  rose  to  close  the 
scene  and  frame  the  picture. 

Such  was  the  view  from  the  Manor  Green.  And  full  of  inspira 
tion  as  such  a  scene  was,  yet  Mr.  Verdant  Green  never  accomplished 
(as  far  as  poetical  inspiration  was  concerned)  more  than  an  "  Addresa 
to  the  Moon,"  which  he  could  just  as  well  have  written  in  any  other 
part  of  the  country,  and  which,  commencing  with  the  noble  aspiration, 

'•  0  moon,  that  shinest  in  the  heaven  so  blue, 
I  only  wish  that  I  could  shine  like  you  P 

and  terminating  with  one  of  those  fine  touches  of  nature  which  rise 
superior  to  the  trammels  of  ordinary  versification, 

"  But  I  to  bed  must  be  going  soon, 
So  I  will  not  address  thee  more,  O  moon  P 

will  no  doubt  go  down  to  posterity  in  the  Album  of  his  sister  Mary 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  5 

For  the  first  fourteen  years  of  his  life,  the  education  of  Mr.  Ver« 
dant  Green  was  conducted  wholly  under  the  shadow  of  his  paternal 
roof,  upon  principles  fondly  imagined  to  be  the  soundest  and  purest 
for  the  formation  of  his  character.  Mrs.  Green,  who  was  as  good 
and  motherly  a  soul  as  ever  lived,  was  yet  (as  we  have  shown)  one 
of  the  Sappeys  of  Sapcot,  a  family  that  were  not  renowned  either  for 
common  sense  or  worldly  wisdom,  and  her  notions  of  a  boy's  educa 
tion  were  of  that  kind  laid  down  by  her  favourite  poet,  Cowper,  in 
his  "  Tirocinium,"  that  we  are 

"  Well-tutor'd  only  while  we  share 
A  mother's  lectures  and  a  nurse's  care;" 

and  in  her  horror  of  all  other  kind  of  instruction  (not  that  she  ad 
mitted  Mrs.  Toosypegs  to  her  counsels),  she  fondly  kept  Master  Ver 
dant  at  her  own  apron-strings.  The  task  of  teaching  his  young  idea 
how  to  shoot  was  committed  chiefly  to  his  sisters'  governess,  and  he 
regularly  took  his  place  with  them  in  the  school-room'.  These  daily 
exercises  and  mental  drillings  were  subject  to  the  inspection  of  theii 
maiden-aunt,  Miss  Virginia  Verdant,  a  first  cousin  of  Mr.  Green's, 
who  had  come  to  visit  at  the  Manor  during  Master  Verdant's  infancy, 
and  had  remained  there  ever  since;  and  this  generalship  was  crowned 
with  such  success,  that  her  nephew  grew  up  the  girlish  companion 
of  his  sisters,  with  no  knowledge  of  boyish  sports,  and  no  desire  for 
them. 

The  motherly  and  spinsterial  views  regarding  his  education  were 
favoured  by  the  fact  that  he  had  no  playmates  of  his  own  sex  and 
age ;  and  since  his  father  was  an  only  child,  and  his  mother's  bro 
thers  had  died  in  their  infancy,  there  were  no  cousins  to  initiate  him 
into  the  mysteries  of  boyish  games  and  feelings.  Mr.  Green  was  a 
man  who  only  cared  to  live  a  quiet,  easy-going  life,  and  would  have 
troubled  himself  but  little  about  his  neighbours,  if  he  had  had  any ; 
but  the  Manor  Green  lay  in  an  agricultural  district,  and,  saving  the 
Rectory,  there  was  no  other  large  house  for  miles  around.  The 
rector's  wife,  Mrs.  Larkyns,  had  died  shortly  after  the  birth  of  her 
first  child,  a  son,  who  was  being  educated  at  a  public  school ;  and 
this  was  enough,  in  Mrs.  Green's  eyes,  to  make  a  too  intimate  ac 
quaintance  between  her  boy  and  Master  Larkyns  a  thing  by  no 
means  to  be  desired.  With  her  favourite  poet  she  would  say, 

"  For  public  schools,  'tis  public  folly  feeds ;" 

and,  regarding  them  as  the  very  hotbeds  of  all  that  is  wrong,  she 
would  turn  a  deaf,  though  polite,  ear  to  the  rector  whenever  he  said, 
"  Why  don't  you  let  youi  Verdant  go  with  my  Charley  ?  Charley 


6  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREElf, 

is  three  years  older  than  Verdant,  and  would  take  him  under  hii 
wing."  Mrs.  Green  would  as  soon  think  of  putting  one  of  ht  r  chickens 
under  the  wing  of  a  hawk,  as  intrusting  the  innocent  Verdant  to  the 
care  of  the  scapegrace  Charley ;  so  she  still  persisted  in  her  own 
system  of  education,  despite  all  that  the  rector  could  advise  to  the 
contrary. 

As  for  Master  Verdant,  he  was  only  too  glad  at  his  mother's 
decision,  for  he  partook  of  all  her  alarm  about  public  schools,  though 
from  a  different  cause.  It  was  not  very  often  that  he  visited  at  the 
Rectory  during  Master  Charley's  holidays ;  but  when  he  did,  that 
young  gentleman  favoured  him  with  such  accounts  of  the  peculiar 
knack  the  second  master  possessed  of  finding  out  all  your  tenderest 
places  when  he  licked  a  feller  for  a  false  quantity,  that,  by  Jove ! 
you  couldn't  sit  down  for  a  fortnight  without  squeaking  ;  and  of  the 
j'olly  mills  they  used  to  have  with  the  town  cads,  who  would  lie  in 
wait  for  you,  and  half  kill  you  if  they  caught  you  alone  ;  and  of  the 
fun  it  was  to  make  a  junior  form  fag  for  you,  and  do  all  your  dirty 
work ; — that  Master  Verdaut's  hair  would  almost  stand  on  end  at 
such  horrors,  and  he  would  gasp  for  very  dread  lest  such  should  ever 
be  his  dreadful  doom. 

And  then  Master  Charley  would  take  a  malicious  pleasure  in  con 
soling  him,  by  saying,  "  Of  course,  you  know,  you'll  only  have  to  fag 
for  the  first  two  or  three  years ;  then — if  you  get  into  the  fourth 
form. — you'll  be  able  to  have  a  fag  for  yourself.  And  it's  awful  fun, 
I  can  tell  you,  to  see  the  way  some  of  the  fags  get  riled  at  cricket ! 
You  get  a  feller  to  give  you  a  few  balls,  just  for  practice,  and  you  hit 
the  ball  into  another  feller's  ground  ;  and  then  you  tell  your  fag  to 
go  and  pick  it  up.  So  he  goes  to  do  it,  when  the  other  feller  sings 
out,  '  Don't  touch  that  ball,  or  I'll  lick  you  1'  So  you  tell  the  fag  to 
come  to  you,  and  you  say,  *  Why  don't  you  do  as  I  tell  you  ?'  And 
he  says,  '  Please,  sir !'  and  then  the  little  beggar  blubbers.  So  you 
say  to  him,  '  None  of  that,  sir  !  Touch  your  toes  !"  We  always 
make  'em  wear  straps  on  purpose.  And  then  his  trousers  go  tight 
and  beautiful,  and  you  take  out  your  strap  and  warm  him !  And 
then  he  goes  to  get  the  ball,  and  the  other  fellow  sings  out,  '  I  told 
you  to  let  that  ball  alone  !  Come  here,  sir !  Touch  your  toes  !'  So 
he  warms  him  too  ;  and  then  we  go  on  all  jolly.  It's  awful  fun,  I 
can  tell  you !" 

Master  Verdant  would  think  it  awful  indeed ;  and,  by  his  own 
fireside,  would  recount  the  deeds  of  horror  to  his  trembling  mother 
and  sisters,  whose  imagination  shuddered  at  the  scenes  from  which 
they  hoped  their  darling  would  be  preserved. 

Perhaps  Master  Charley  had  his  own  reasons  for  making  matters 
worse  than  they  really  were ;  but,  as  long  as  the  information  he  de« 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  7 

rived  concerning  public  schools  was  of  this  description,  so  long  did 
Masttr  Verdant  Green  feel  thankful  at  being  kept  away  from  them. 
He  had  a  secret  dread,  too,  of  his  friend's  superior  age  and  know 
ledge  ;  and  in  his  presence  felt  a  bashful  awe  that  made  him  glad  to 
get  back  from  the  Kectory  to  his  own  sisters  ;  while  Master  Charley, 
on  the  other  hand,  entertained  a  lad's  contempt  for  one  that  could 
not  fire  off  a  gun,  or  drive  a  cricket-ball,  or  jump  a  ditch  without 
falling  into  it.  So  the  Rectory  and  the  Manor  Green  lads  saw  but 
very  little  of  each  other;  and  while  the  one  went  through  his 
public-school  course,  the  other  was  brought  up  at  the  women's  apron- 
string. 

But  though  thus  put  under  petticoat  government,  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  was  not  altogether  freed  from  those  tyrants  of  youth, — the 
dead  languages.  His  aunt  Virginia  was  as  learned  a  Blue  as  her 
esteemed  ancestress  in  the  court  of  Elizabeth,  the  very  Virgin  Queen 
of  Blues;  and  under  her  guidance  Master  Verdant  was  dragged 
with  painful  diligence  through  the  first  steps  of  the  road  that  was  to 
take  him  to  Parnassus.  It  was  a  great  sight  to  see  her  sitting  stiff 
and  straight, — with  her  wonderfully  undeceptive  "false  front"  of 
(somebody  else's)  black  hair,  graced  on  either  side  by  four  sausage- 
looking  curls, — as,  with  spectacles  on  nose  and  dictionary  in  hand, 
she  instructed  her  nephew  in  those  ingenuous  arts  which  should  soften 
his  manners,  and  not  permit  him  to  be  brutal.  And,  when  they 
together  entered  upon  the  romantic  page  of  Virgil  (which  was  the 
extent  of  her  classical  reading),  nothing  would  delight  her  more  than 
to  declaim  their  sonorous  Arma-virumque-cano  lines,  where  the 
intrinsic  qualities  of  the  verse  surpassed  the  quantities  that  she  gave 
to  them. 

Fain  would  Miss  Virginia  have  made  Virgil  the  end  and  aim  of 
an  educational  existence,  and  so  have  kept  her  pupil  entirely  under 
her  own  care ;  but,  alas !  she  knew  nothing  further ;  she  had  no 
acquaintance  with  Greek,  and  she  had  never  flirted  with  Euclid ;  and 
the  rector  persuaded  Mr.  Green  that  these  were  indispensable  to  a 
boy's  education.  So,  when  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  (in  stable  lan 
guage)  "  rising"  sixteen,  he  went  thrice  a  week  to  the  Rectory,  where 
Mr.  Larkyns  bestowed  upon  him  a  couple  of  hours,  and  taught  him 
to  conjugate  ruTrrw,  and  get  over  the  Pans  Asinorum.  Mr.  Larkyns 
found  his  pupil  not  a  particularly  brilliant  scholar,  but  he  was  a 
plodding  one ;  and  though  he  learned  slowly,  yet  the  little  he  did 
learn  was  learned  well. 

Thus  the  Rectory  and  the  home  studies  went  hand  and  hand,  and 
continued  so,  with  but  little  interruption,  for  more  than  two  years ; 
and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  for  some  time  assumed  the  toga  virilis 
of  stick-up  collars  and  swallow-tail  coats,  that  so  effectually  cut  us 


8          THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

off  from  the  age  of  innocence ;  and  the  small  family  festival  thai 
annually  celebrated  his  birthday  had  just  been  held  for  the  eighteenth 
time,  when 

"  A  change  came  o'er  the  spirit  of  hit  dream." 


CHAPTER  II. 

MB.  VERDANT  GREEN  IS  TO  BE  AN  OXFORD-MAN. 

ONE  day  when  the  family  at  the  Manor  Green  had  assembled  foi 
luncheon,  the  rector  was  announced.  He  came  in  and  joined  thern^ 
saying,  with  his  usual  friendly  bonhomie,  "  A  very  well-timed  visit, 
I  think !  Your  bell  rang  out  its  summons  as  I  came  up  the  avenue. 
Mrs.  Green,  I've  gone  through  the  formality  of  looking  over  the 
accounts  of  your  clothing- club,  and,  as  usual,  I  find  them  correctness 
itself ;  and  here  is  my  subscription  for  the  next  year.  Miss  Green, 
I  hope  that  you  have  not  forgotten  the  lesson  in  logic  that  Tommy 
Jones  gave  you  yesterday  afternoon  ?" 

"Oh,  what  was  that ?"  cried  her  two  sisters ;  who  took  it  in 
turns  with  her  to  go  for  a  short  time  in  every  day  to  the  village- 
school  which  their  father  and  the  rector  had  established :  "  Pray  tell 
ia,  Mr.  Larkyns !  Mary  has  said  nothing  about  it." 

"Then,"  replied  the  rector,  "I  am  tongue-tied,  until  I  have  my 
fair  friend's  permission  to  reveal  how  the  teacher  was  taught." 

Mary  shook  her  sunny  ringlets,  and  laughingly  gave  him  the 
required  permission. 

"  You  must  know,  then,"  said  Mr.  Larkyns,  "  that  Miss  Mary 
was  giving  one  of  those  delightful  object  lessons,  wherein  she  blends 
so  much  instructive — " 

"  111  trouble  you  for  the  butter,  Mr.  Larkyns,"  interrupted  Mary, 
rather  maliciously. 

The  rector  was  grey-headed,  and  a  privileged  friend.  "My 
dear,"  he  said,  "  I  was  just  giving  it  you.  However,  the  object- 
lesson  was  going  on;  the  subject  being  Quadrupeds,  which  Miss 
Mary  very  properly  explained  to  be  '  things  with  four  legs.'  Prje* 
sently,  she  said  to  her  class,  '  Tell  me  the  names  of  some  quadru 
peds  ?'  when  Tommy  Jones,  thrusting  out  his  hand  with  the  full 
conviction  that  he  was  making  an  important  suggestion,  exclaimed, 
'  Chairs  and  tables !'  That  was  turning  the  tables  upon  Miss  Mary 
with  a  vengeance  !" 

During  luncheon  the  conversation  glided  into  a  favourite  theme 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  9 

with  Mrs.  Green  and  Miss  Virginia, — Verdant's  studies  when  Mr, 
^arkyns,  after  some  good-natured  praise  of  his  diligence,  said,  "  By 
the  way,  Green,  he's  now  quite  old  enough,  and  prepared  enough 
for  matriculation :  and  I  suppose  you  are  thinking  of  it." 

Mr.  Green  was  thinking  of  no  such  thing.  He  had  never  been  at 
college  himself,  and  had  never  heard  of  his  father  having  been  there ; 
and  having  the  old-fashioned,  what-was-good-enough-for-iny-father-is- 
good-enough-for-me  sort  of  feeling,  it  had  never  occurred  to  him  that 
his  son  should  be  brought  up  otherwise  than  he  himself  had  been. 
The  setting-out  of  Charles  Larkyns  for  college,  two  years  before,  had 
suggested  no  other  thought  to  Mr.  Green's  mind,  than  that  a  univer 
sity  was  the  natural  sequence  of  a  public  school ;  and  since  Verdant 
had  not  been  through  the  career  of  the  one,  he  deemed  him  to  be 
exempt  from  the  other.  , 

The  motherly  ears  of  Mrs.  Green  had  been  caught  by  the  word 
"  matriculation,"  a  phrase  quite  unknown  to  her ;  and  she  said,  "  li 
it's  vaccination  that  you  mean,  Mr.  Larkyns,  my  dear  Verdant  was 
done  only  last  year,  when  we  thought  the  small-pox  was  about ;  so 
I  think  he's  quite  safe." 

Mr.  Larkyns'  politeness  was  sorely  tied  to  restrain  himself  from 
giving  vent  to  his  feelings  in  a  loud  burst  of  laughter ;  but  Mary  gal 
lantly  came  to  his  relief  by  saying,  "  Matriculation  means,  being 
entered  at  a  university.  Don't  you  remember,  dearest  mamma, 
tvhen  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  went  up  to  Oxford  to  be  matriculated 
&st  January  two  years  ?" 

"  Ah,  yes  !  I  do  now.    But  I  wish  I  had  your  memory,  my  dear." 

And  Mary  blushed,  and  flattered  herself  that  she  succeeded  in 
looking  as  though  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  and  his  movements  were 
objects  of  perfect  indifference  to  her. 

So,  after  luncheon,  Mr.  Green  and  the  rector  paced  up  and  down 
the  long- walk,  and  talked  the  matter  over.  The  burden  of  Mr.  Green's 
discourse  was  this :  "  You  see,  sir,  I  don't  intend  my  boy  to  go  into 
the  Church,  like  yours ;  but,  when  any  thing  happens  to  me,  he'll 
come  into  the  estate,  and  have  to  settle  down  as  the  squire  of  the 
parish.  So  I  don't  exactly  see  what  would  be  the  use  of  sending  him 
to  a  university,  where,  I  dare  say,  he'd  spend  a  good  deal  of  money, 
—not  that  I  should  grudge  that,  though ; — and  perhaps  not  be  quite 
such  a  good  lad  as  he's  always  been  to  me,  sir.  And,  by  George  !  (I 
beg  your  pardon,)  I  think  his  mother  would  break  her  heart  to  lose 
him ;  and  I  don't  know  what  we  should  do  without  him,  as  he's  never 
been  away  from  us  a  day,  and  his  sisters  would  miss  him.  And  he's 
not  a  lad,  like  your  Charley,  that  could  fight  his  way  in  the  world,  and 
I  don't  think  he'd  be  altogether  happy.  And  as  he's  not  got  to  depend 
upon  hi»  talents  for  his  bread  and  cheese,  the  knowledge  he's  got  at 

1* 


10         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MK.  VEKDANT  GREEW, 

home,  and  from  you,  sir,  seems  to  me  quite  enough  to  carry  him 
through  life.  So,  altogether,  I  think  Verdant  will  do  very  well  as  he 
is,  and  perhaps  we'd  better  say  no  more  about  the  matriculation." 

But  the  rector  would  say  more  ;  and  he  expressed  his  mind  thus  : 
"  It  is  not  so  much  from  what  Verdant  would  learn  in  Latin  and  Greek, 
and  such  things  as  make  up  a  part  of  the  education,  that  I  advise  your 
sending  him  to  a  university ;  but  more  from  what  he  would  gain  by 
mixing  with  a  large  body  of  young  men  of  his  own  age,  who  represent 
the  best  classes  of  a  mixed  society,  and  who  may  justly  be  taken  as 
fair  samples  of  its  feelings  and  talents.  It  is  formation  of  character 
that  I  regard  as  one  of  the  greatest  of  the  many  great  ends  of  a  uni 
versity  system  ;  and  if  for  this  reason  alone,  I  should  advise  you  to 
send  your  future  country  squire  to  college.  Where  else  will  he  be 
able  to  meet  with  so  great  a  number  of  those  of  his  own  class,  with 
whom  lie  will  have  to  mix  in  the  after  changes  of  life,  and  for  whose 
feelings  and  tone  a  college-course  will  give  him  the  proper  key-note  ? 
Where  else  can  he  learn  so  quickly  in  three  years, — what  other  men 
will  perhaps  be  striving  for  through  life,  without  attaining, — that  self- 
reliance  which  will  enable  him  to  mix  at  ease  in  any  society,  and  to  feel 
the  equal  of  its  members  ?  And,  besides  all  this, — and  each  of  these 
points  in  the  education  of  a  young  man  is,  to  my  mind,  a  strong  one, 
— where  else  could  he  be  more  completely  *  under  tutors  and  gover 
nors,'  and  more  thoroughly  under  surveillance,  than  in  a  place  where 
college-laws  are  no  respecters  of  persons,  and  seek  to  keep  the  wild 
blood  of  youth  within  its  due  bounds  ?  There  is  something  in  the 
very  atmosphere  of  a  university  that  seems  to  engender  refined 
thoughts  and  noble  feelings ;  and  lamentable  indeed  must  be  the 
state  of  any  young  man  who  can  pass  through  the  three  years  of  his 
college  residence,  and  bring  away  no  higher  aims,  no  worthier  pur 
poses,  no  better  thoughts,  from  all  the  holy  associations  which  have 
been  crowded  around  him.  Such  advantages  as  these  are  not  to  be 
regarded  with  indifference  ;  and  though  they  come  in  secondary  ways, 
and  possess  the  mind  almost  imperceptibly,  yet  they  are  of  primary 
importance  in  the  formation  of  character,  and  may  mould  it  into  the 
more  perfect  man.  And  as  long  as  I  had  the  power,  I  would  no 
more  think  of  depriving  a  child  of  mine  of  such  good  means  towards 
a  good  end,  than  I  would  of  keeping  him  from  any  thing  else  that 
was  likely  to  improve  his  mind  or  affect  his  heart." 

Mr.  Larkyns  put  matters  in  a  new  light ;  and  Mr.  Green  began 
to  think  that  a  university  career  might  be  looked  at  from  more  than 
one  point  of  view.  But  as  old  prejudices  are  not  so  easily  overthrown 
as  the  lath-and-plaster  erections  of  mere  newly-formed  opinion,  Mr. 
Green  was  not  yet  won  over  by  Mr.  Larkyns'  arguments.  "  There  waa 
my  father,"  he  said,  "  who  was  one  of  the  worthiest  and  kindest  men 


AN  OXFORD  FKESHMAN.  H 

living  ;  and  I  believe  he  never  went  to  college,  nor  did  he  think  it 
necessary  that  I  should  go ;  and  I  trust  I'm  no  worse  a  man  than 
my  father." 

"  Ah  !  Green,"  replied  the  rector ;  "  the  old  argument !  But 
you  must  not  judge  the  present  age  by  the  past ;  nor  measure  out 
to  your  son  the  same  degree  of  education  that  your  father  might 
think  sufficient  for  you.  When  you  and  I  were  boys,  Green,  theao 
things  were  thought  of  very  differently  to  what  they  are  in  the  pre 
sent  day ;  and  when  your  father  gave  you  a  respectable  education  at 
ft  clasj.cal  school,  he  did  all  that  he  thought  was  requisite  to  lonu 
you  into  a  country  gentleman,  anl  lit  you  for  that  station  in  life  you 
were  destined  to  fill.  But  consider  what  a  progressive  age  it  is  that 
we  live  in  ;  and  you  will  see  that  the  standard  of  education  has  been 
considerably  raised  since  the  days  when  you  and  I  did  the  '  propria 
quae  maribus'  together ;  and  that  when  he  comes  to  mix  in  society, 
more  will  be  demanded  of  the  son  than  was  expected  from  the  father. 
And  besides  this,  think  in  how  many  ways  it  will  benefit  Verdant  to 
send  him  to  college.  By  mixing  more  in  the  world,  and  being  called 
upon  to  act  and  think  for  himself,  he  will  gradually  gain  that  experi 
ence,  without  which  a  man  cannot  arm  himself  to  meet  the  difficulties 
that  beset  all  of  us,  more  or  less,  in  the  battle  of  life.  He  is  just  of 
an  age,  when  some  change  from  the  narrowed  circle  of  home  is  ne 
cessary.  God  forbid  that  I  should  ever  speak  in  any  but  the  highest 
terms  of  the  moral  good  it  must  do  every  young  man  to  live  under 
his  mother's  watchful  eye,  and  be  ever  in  the  company  of  pure-minded 
sisters.  Indeed  I  feel  this  more  perhaps  than  many  other  parents 
would,  because  my  lad,  from  his  earliest  years,  has  been  deprived  of 
such  tender  training,  and  cut  off  from  such  sweet  society.  But  yet, 
with  all  this  high  regard  for  such  home  influences,  I  put  it  to  you,  if 
there  will  not  grow  up  in  the  boy's  mind,  when  he  begins  to  draw 
near  to  man's  estate,  a  very  weariness  of  all  this,  from  its  very  same 
ness  ;  a  surfeiting,  as  it  were,  of  all  these  delicacies,  and  a  longing  for 
something  to  break  the  monotony  of  what  will  gradually  become  to 
him  a  humdrum  horse-in-the-mill  kind  of  country  life?  And  it  is 
just  at  this  critical  time  that  college  life  steps  in  to  his  aid.  With 
his  new  life  a  new  light  bursts  upon  his  mind ;  he  finds  that  he  is 
not  the  little  household-god  he  had  fancied  himself  to  be  ;  his  word 
is  no  longer  the  law  of  the  Medes  and  Persians,  as  it  was  at  home ; 
he  meets  with  none  of  those  little  flatteries  from  partial  relatives,  or 
fawning  servants,  that  were  growing  into  a  part  of  his  existence ;  but 
he  has  to  bear  contradiction  and  reproof,  to  find  himself  only  an 
ecual  with  others,  when  he  can  gain  that  equality  by  his  own  deserts; 
and,  in  short,  he  daily  progresses  in  that  knowledge  of  himself,  which, 
from  the  gnothiseauton  days  down  to  our  own,  has  I* en  found  to  b« 


12         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GKEKN, 

about  the  most  useful  of  all  knowledge ;  for  it  gives  a  man  stability 
of  character,  and  braces  up  his  mental  energies  to  a  healthy  enjoy 
ment  of  the  business  of  life.  And  so,  Green,  I  would  advise  you, 
above  all  things,  to  let  Verdant  go  to  college." 

Much  more  did  the  rector  say,  not  only  on  this  occasion,  but  on 
others  ;  and  the  more  frequently  he  returned  to  the  charge,  the  lesa 
resistance  were  his  arguments  met  with ;  and  the  result  was,  that 
Mr.  Green  was  fully  persuaded  that  a  university  was  the  proper 
sphere  for  his  son  to  move  in.  But  it  was  not  without  many  a  pang 
and  much  secret  misgiving  that  Mrs.  Green  would  consent  to  suffer 
her  beloved  Verdant  to  run  the  risk  of  those  dreadful  contaminations 
which  she  imagined  would  inevitably  accompany  every  college  career. 
Indeed,  she  thought  it  an  act  of  the  greatest  heroism  (or,  if  you 
object  to  the  word,  heroineism,)  to  be  won  over  to  say  '  yes'  to  the 
proposal ;  and  it  was  not  until  Miss  Virginia  had  recited  to  her  the 
deeds  of  all  the  mothers  of  Greece  and  Rome  who  had  suffered  for 
their  children's  sake,  that  Mrs.  Green  would  consent  to  sacrifice  her 
maternal  feelings  at  the  sacred  altar  of  duty. 

When  the  point  had  been  duly  settled,  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
was  to  receive  a  university  education,  the  next  question  to  be  de 
cided  was,  to  which  of  the  three  Universities  should  he  go  ?  To 
Oxford,  Cambridge,  or  Durham  ?  But  this  was  a  matter  which  was 
soon  determined  upon.  Mr.  Green  at  once  put  Durham  aside,  on 
account  of  its  infancy,  and  its  wanting  the  prestige  that  attaches  to 
the  names  of  the  two  great  Universities.  Cambridge  was  treated 
quite  as  summarily,  because  Mr.  Green  had  conceived  the  notion 
that  nothing  but  mathematics  were  ever  thought  or  talked  of  there ; 
and  as  he  himself  had  always  had  an  abhorrence  of  them  from  his 
youth  up,  when  he  was  hebdomadally  flogged  for  not  getting-up  his 
weekly  propositions,  he  thought  that  his  son  should  be  spared  some 
of  the  personal  disagreeables  that  he  himself  had  encountered ;  for 
Mr.  Green  remembered  to  have  heard  that  the  great  Newton  was 
horsed  during  the  time  that  he  was  a  Cambridge  undergraduate,  and 
he  had  a  hazy  idea  that  the  same  indignities  were  still  practised 
there. 

But  the  circumstance  that  chiefly  decided  Mr.  Green  to  choose 
Oxford  as  the  arena  for  Verdant's  performances  was,  that  he  would 
have  a  companion,  and,  as  he  hoped,  a  mentor,  in  the  rector's  son, 
Mr.  Charles  Larkyns,  who  would  not  only  be  able  to  cheer  him  on 
his  first  entrance,  but  also  would  introduce  him  to  select  and  quiet 
friends,  put  him  in  the  way  of  lectures,  and  initiate  him  into  all  the 
mysteries  of  the  place  ;  all  which  the  rector  professed  his  son  would 
be  glad  to  do,  and  would  be  delighted  to  see  his  old  friend  and 
playfellow  within  the  classic  walls  of  Alma  Mater. 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  13 

Oxford  having  been  selected  for  the  university,  the  next  pohit  tc 
be  decided  was  the  college. 

"  You  cannot,"  said  the  rector,  "  find  a  much  better  college  than 
Brazenface,  where  my  lad  is.  It  always  stands  well  in  the  class-list, 
and  keeps  a  good  name  with  its  tutors.  There  are  a  nice  gentle 
manly  set  of  men  there ;  and  I  am  proud  to  say,  that  my  lad  would 
be  able  to  introduce  Verdant  to  some  of  the  best.  This  will  of 
course  be  much  to  his  advantage.  And  besides  this,  I  am  on  very 
intimate  terms  with  Dr.  Portman,  the  master  of  the  college ;  and,  if 
they  should  not  happen  to  be  very  full,  no  doubt  I  could  get  Verdant 
admitted  at  once.  This  too  will  be  of  advantage  to  him;  for  I 
can  tell  you  that  there  are  secrets  in  all  these  matters,  and  that  at 
many  colleges  that  I  could  name,  unless  you  knew  the  principal,  or 
had  some  introduction  or  other  potent  spell  to  work  with,  your  son's 
name  would  have  to  remain  on  the  books  two  or  three  years  before 
he  could  be  entered  j  and  this,  at  Verdant's  age,  would  be  a  serious 
objection.  At  one  or  two  of  the  colleges,  indeed,  this  is  almost  neces 
sary,  under  any  circumstances,  on  account  of  the  great  number  of 
applicants;  but  at  Brazenface  there  is  not  this  over-crowding;  and 
I  have  no  doubt,  if  I  write  to  Dr.  Portman,  but  what  I  can  get  rooms 
for  Verdant  without  much  loss  of  time." 

"  Brazenface  be  it  then  !"  said  Mr.  Green,  "  and  I  am  sure  that 
Verdant  will  enter  there  with  very  many  advantages ;  and  the  sooner 
the  better,  so  that  he  may  be  the  longer  with  Mr.  Charles.  But  when 
must  his — his  what-d'ye-call-it,  come  off?" 

"  His  matriculation?"  replied  the  rector.  "  Why,  although  it  i;  not 
usual  for  men  to  commence  residence  at  the  time  of  their  matricula 
tion,  still  it  is  sometimes  done.  And  as  my  lad  will,  if  all  goes  on 
well,  be  leaving  Oxford  next  year,  perhaps  it  would  be  better,  on  that 
account,  that  Verdant  should  enter  upon  his  residence  as  soon  as  he 
has  matriculated." 

Mr.  Green  thoughtso  too;  and  Verdant,  upon  being  appealed  to, 
had  no  objection  to  this  course,  or,  indeed,  to  any  other  that  was  de 
cided  to  be  necessary  for  him ;  though  it  must  be  confessed,  that  he 
secretly  shared  somewhat  of  his  mother's  feelings  as  he  looked  forward 
into  the  blank  and  uncertain  prospect  of  his  college  life.  Like  a  good 
and  dutiful  son,  however,  his  father's  wishes  were  law;  and  he  no 
more  thought  of  opposing  them,  than  he  did  of  discovering  the  north 
pole,  or  paying  off  the  national  debt. 

So  all  this  being  duly  settled,  and  Mrs.  Green  being  entirely  won 
over  to  the  proceeding,  the  rector  at  once  wrote  to  Dr.  Portman,  and 
in  due  time  received  a  reply  to  the  effect,  that  they  were  very  full  at 
Brazenface,  but  that  luckily  there  was  one  set  of  rooms  which  would 
be  vacant  at  the  commencement  of  the  Easter  term ;  at  which  tinifi 
ho  should  be  very  glad  to  see  the  gentleman  his  friend  spoke  of. 


AN  OXFORD  FKESHMAN. 

CHAPTER  HI. 

ME.  VERDANT  GREEN  LEAVES  THE  HOME  OF  HIS  ANCESTORS. 


time  till  Easter  passed  very  quickly,  for  much  had  to  be  don€ 
in  it.  Verdant  read  up  most  desperately  for  his  matriculation,  asso 
ciating  that  initiatory  examination  with  the  most  dismal  visions  ol 
plucking,  and  other  college  tortures. 

His  mother  was  laying  in  for  him  a  new  stock  of  linen,  sufficient 
in  quantity  to  provide  him  for  years  of  emigration  ;  while  his  father 
was  busying  himself  about  the  plate  that  it  was  requisite  to  take,  buy 
ing  it  bran-new,  and  of  the  most  solid  silver,  and  having  it  splendidly 
engraved  with  the  family  crest,  and  the  motto  "  Semper  virens." 

Infatuated  Mr.  Green  !  If  you  could  have  foreseen  that  those 
spoons  and  forks  would  have  soon  passed,  —  by  a  mysterious  system 
of  loss  which  undergraduate  powers  can  never  fathom,  —  into  the  pro 
perty  of  Mr.  Robert  Filcher,  the  excellent,  though  occasionally  erratic, 
scout  of  your  beloved  son,  and  from  thence  have  melted,  not  "  into 
thin  air,'*  but  into  a  residuum  whose  mass  might  be  expressed  by 
the  equivalent  of  coins  of  a  thin  and  golden  description,  —  if  you 
could  but  have  foreseen  this,  then,  infatuated  but  affectionate  parent, 
you  would  have  been  content  to  have  let  your  son  and  heir  represent 
the  ancestral  wealth  by  mere  electro-plate,  albata,  or  any  sham  that 
would  equally  well  have  served  his  purpose  ! 

As  for  Miss  Virginia  Verdant,  and  the  other  woman  portion  of 
the  Green  community,  they  fully  occupied  their  time  until  the  day 
of  separation  came,  by  elaborating  articles  of  feminine  workmanship, 
as  souvenirs,  by  which  dear  Verdant  might,  in  the  land  of  the 
strangers,  recall  visions  of  home.  These  were  presented  to  him  with 
all  due  state  on  the  morning  of  the  day  previous  to  that  on  which 
he  was  to  leave  the  home  of  his  ancestors. 

All  the  articles  were  useful  as  well  as  ornamental.  There  was 
a  purse  from  Helen,  which,  besides  being  a  triumph  of  art  in  the  way 
of  bead  decoration,  was  also,  it  must  be  allowed,  a  very  useful  present, 
unless  one  happened  to  carry  one's  riches  in  a  porte-monnaie.  There 
was  a  pair  of  braces  from  Mary,  worked  with  an  ecclesiastical  pattern 
of  a  severe  character,  —  very  appropriate  for  academical  wear,  and 
extremely  effective  for  all  occasions  when  the  coat  had  to  be  taken  ofll 
in  public.  And  there  was  a  watch-pocket  from  Fanny,  to  hang  over 
Verdant's  night-capped  head,  and  serve  as  a  depository  for  the  golden 
mechanical  turnip  that  had  been  handed  down  in  the  family,  as  a 
watch,  for  the  last  three  generations.  And  there  was  a  pair  of  woollen 


16         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

comforters  knit  by  Miss  Virginia's  own  fair  hands ;  and  theie  were 
other  woollen  articles  of  domestic  use,  which  were  contributed  by 
Mrs.  Green  for  her  son's  personal  comfort.  To  these,  Miss  Virginia 
thoughtfully  added  an  infallible  recipe  for  the  toothache,  an  inflic 
tion  to  which  she  was  a  martyr,  and  for  the  general  relief  ot  which 
in  others  she  constituted  herself  a  species  of  toothache  missionary  j 
for,  as  she  said,  "  You  might,  my  dear  Verdant,  be  seized  with  that 
painful  disease,  and  not  have  me  by  your  side  to  cure  it :"  which  it 
was  very  probable  he  would  not,  if  college  rules  were  strictly  car 
ried  out  at  Brazenface. 

All  these  articles  were  presented  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green  with 
many  speeches  and  great  ceremony;  while  Mr.  Green  stood  by, 
and  smiled  benignantly  upon  the  scene,  and  his  son  beamed  through 
his  glasses  (which  his  defective  sight  obliged  him  constantly  to  wear) 
with  the  most  serene  aspect. 


It  was  altogether  a  great  day  of  preparation,  and  one  which  it 
was  well  for  the  constitution  of  the  household  did  not  happen  very 
often  ;  for  the  house  was  reduced  to  that  summerset  condition  usually 
known  in  domestic  parlance  as  "  upside  down."  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
personally  superintended  the  packing  of  his  goods;  a  performance 
which  was  only  effected  by  the  united  strength  of  the  establishment. 
Butler,  Footman,  Coachman,  Lady's-maid,  Housemaid,  and  Button* 


AN  OXFORD  FKESHMAN. 


17 


all  pressed  into  the  service  ;  and  the  coachman,  being  a  man  of 
some  weight,  was  found  to  be  of  great  use  in  effecting  a  junction  of  the 
locks  and  hasps  of  over-filled  book-boxes.  It  was  astonishing  to  see 
all  the  amount  of  literature  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  about  to 
convey  to  the  seat  of  learning :  there  was  enough  to  stock  a  small  Bod 
leian.  As  the  owner  stood  with  his  hands  behind  him,  placidly  sur 
veying  the  scene  of  preparation,  a  meditative  spectator  might  have 
possibly  compared  him  to  the  hero  of  the  engraving"  Moses  going  to 
the  fair,"  that  was  then  hanging  just  over  his  head ;  for  no  one  could 
have  set  out  for  the  great  Oxford  booth  of  this  Vanity  Fair  with 
more  simplicity  and  trusting  confidence  than  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 

When  the  trunks  had  at  last  been  packed,  they  were  then,  by 
the  thoughtful  suggestion  of  Miss  Virginia,  provided  each  with  a 
canvas  covering,  after  the  manner  of  the  luggage  of  females,  arid 


labelled  with  large  direction-cards  filled  with  the  most  ample  par 
ticulars  concerning  their  owner  and  his  destination. 

It  had  been  decided  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  instead  of  reaching 
Oxford  by  rail,  should  make  his  entree  behind  the,  four  horses  that 
drew  the  Birmingham  and  Oxford  coach  ; — one  of  the  few  four-horse 
coaches  that  still  ran  for  any  distance  ;*  and  which,  as  the  more  plea 
sant  means  of  conveyance,  was  generally  patronised  by  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns  in  preference  to  the  rail ;  for  the  coach  passed  within  three 
miles  of  the  Manor  Green,  whereas  the  nearest  railway  was  at  a 
much  greater  distance,  and  could  not  be  so  conveniently  reached. 
Mr.  Green  had  determined  upon  accompanying  Verdant  to  Oxford, 
that  he  might  have  the  satisfaction  of  seeing  him  safely  landed  there, 
and  might  also  himself  form  an  acquaintance  with  a  city  of  which 
he  had  heard  so  much,  and  which  would  be  doubly  interesting  to  him 
now  that  his  sou  was  enrolled  a  member  of  its  University.  Their 
seats  had  been  secured  a  fortnight  previous;  for  the  rector  had.tolJ 
Mr.  Green  that  so  many  men  went  up  by  the  coach,  that  unless  he 

*  This  well-known  coach  ceased  to  nm  between  Birmingham  and  Oxford  i» 
Ihe  last  week  of  August  1852,  on  the  opening  of  the  Birmingham  and  Oxford 
Hallway 


18 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VEEDANT  GEEEK, 


made  an  early  application,  lie  would  altogether  fail  in  obtaining 
places ;  so  a  letter  had  been  dispatched  to  "  the  Swan"  cc  ach-office 
at  Birmingham,  from  which  place  the  coach  started,  and  two  out 
side  seats  had  been  put  .at  Mr.  Green's  disposal. 

The  day  at  length  arrived,  when  Mr.  Verdant  Green  for  the  first 
time  in  his  life  (on  any  important  occasion)  was  to  leave  the  paternal 
roof;  and  it  must  be  confessed  that  it  was  a  proceeding  which  caused 
him  some  anxiety,  and  that  he  was  not  sorry  when  the  carriage  was 
at  the  door  to  bear  him  away,  before  (shall  it  be  confessed  ?)  his 
tears  had  got  the  mastery  over  him.  As  it  was,  by  the  judicious 
help  of  his  sisters,  he  passed  the  Rubicon  in  courageous  style,  and 
went  through  the  form  of  breakfast  with  the  greatest  hilarity,  although 
with  several  narrow  escapes  of  suffocation  from  choking.  The  thought 


that  he  was  going  to  be  an  Oxford  MAN  fortunately  assisted  him  in 
the  preservation  of  that  tranquil  dignity  and  careless  ease  which  he 
considered  to  be  the  necessary  adjuncts  of -the  manly  character, 
n*ore  especially  as  developed  in  that  peculiar  biped  he  was  about 
to  be  transformed  into ;  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  enabled  to  any 
"  Good-by"  with  a  firm  voice  and  undimmed  spectacles 


AN  OXFORD  FBESHMAN.  18 

All  crowded  to  the  door  to  have  a  last  shake  of  the  hand  ;  the 
maid-servants  peeped  from  the  upper  windows ;  and  Miss  Virginia 
sobbed  out  a  blessing,  which  was  rendered  of  a  striking  and  original 
character  by  being  mixed  up  with  instructions  never  to  forget  what 
she  had  taught  him  in  his  Latin  grammar,  and  always  to  be  careful 
to  guard  against  the  toothache.  And  amid  the  good-byes  and 
write-oftens  that  usually  accompany  a  departure,  the  carriage  rolled 
down  the  avenue  to  the  lodge,  where  was  Mr.  Mole  the  gardener, 
and  also  Mrs.  Mole,  and,  moreover,  the  Mole  olive-branches,  all 
gathered  at  the  open  gate  to  say  farewell  to  the  young  master. 
And  just  as  they  were  about  to  mount  the  hill  leading  out  of  the 
village,  who  should  be  there  but  the  rector  lying  in  wait  for  them 
and  ready  to  walk  up  the  hill  by  their  side,  and  say  a  few  kindly 
words  at  parting.  Well  might  Mr.  Verdant  Green  begin  to  regard 
himself  as  the  topic  of  the  village,  and  think  that  going  to  Oxford 
was  really  an  affair  of  some  importance. 

They  were  in  good  time  for  the  coach ;  and  the  ringing  notes  of 
the  guard's  bugle  made  them  aware  of  its  approach  some  time  before 
they  saw  it  rattling  merrily  along  in  its  cloud  of  dust.  What  a  sight 
it  was  when  it  did  come  near !  The  cloud  that  had  enveloped  it 
was  discovered  to  be  not  dust  only,  but  smoke  from  the  cigars,  meer 
schaums,  and  short  clay  pipes  of  a  full  complement  of  gentlemen 
passengers,  scarcely  one  of  whom  seemed  to  have  passed  his  twen 
tieth  year.  No  bonnet  betokening  a  female  traveller  could  be  seen 
either  inside  or  out ;  and  that  lady  was  indeed  lucky  who  escaped 
being  an  inside  passenger  on  the  following  day.  Nothing  but  a  lapse 
of  time,  or  the  complete  re-lining  of  the  coach,  could  purify  it  from 
the  attacks  of  the  four  gentlemen  who  were  now  doing  their  best  to 
convert  it  into  a  divan ;  and  the  consumption  of  tobacco  on  that  day 
between  Birmingham  and  Oxford  must  have  materially  benefited  the 
revenue.  The  passengers  were  not  limitted  to  the  two-legged  ones, 
there  were  four-footed  ones  also.  Sporting  dogs,  fancy  dogs,  ugly 
dogs,  rat-killing  dogs,  short-haired  dogs,  long-haired  dogs,  dogs  like 
muffs,  dogs  like  mops,  dogs  of  all  colours  and  of  all  breeds  and  sizes, 
appeared  thrusting  out  their  black  noses  from  all  parts  of  the  coach. 
Portmanteaus  were  piled  upon  the  roof;  gun-boxes  peeped  out  sus- 
piciomly  here  and  there ;  bundles  of  sticks,  canes,  foils,  fishing-rode, 
and  whips,  appeared  strapped  together  in  every  direction  ;  while  all 
round  about  the  coach, 

"  Like  a  swarth  Indian  with  his  belt  of  beads," 

hat-boxes  dangled  in  leathery  profusion.     The  Oxford  coach  on  an 
occasion  like  this  was  a  sight  to  be  remembered. 

A  "  Wo-ho-ho,  my  beauties!"  brought  the  smoking  wheelers 


20         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GEEEN, 

upon  their  haunches  ;  and  Jehu,  saluting  with  his  elbow  and  whip 
finger,  called  out  in  the  husky  voice  peculiar  to  a  dram-drinker,  "  Are 
you  the  two  houtside  gents  for  Hoxfut  ?"  To  which  Mr.  Green  re 
plied  in  the  affirmative ;  and  while  the  luggage  (the  canvas-covered, 
ladylike  look  of  which  was  such  a  contrast  to  that  of  the  other  pas 
sengers)  was  being  quickly  transferred  to*  the  coach-top,  he  and  Ver 
dant  ascended  to  the  places  reserved  for  them  behind  the  coachman. 
Mr.  Green  saw  at  a  glance  that  all  the  passengers  were  Oxford 
men,  dressed  in  every  variety  of  Oxford  fashion,  and  exhibiting  a 
pleasing  diversity  of  Oxford  manners.  Their  private  remarks  on 
the  two  new-comers  were,  like  stage  "  asides,"  perfectly  audible. 

"  Decided  case  of  governor !"  said  one. 

"  Undoubted  ditto  of  freshman  !"  observed  another. 

"  Looks  ferociously  mild  in  his  gig-lamps !"  remarked  a  third, 
allading  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  spectacles. 

"  And  jolly  green  all  over  !"  wound  up  a  fourth. 

Mr.  Green,  hearing  his  name  (as  he  thought)  mentioned,  turned 
to  the  small  young  gentleman  who  had  spoken,  and  politely  said, 
"  Yes,  my  name  is  Green ;  but  you  have  the  advantage  of  me,  sir." 

"  Oh  !  have  I  ?"  replied  the  young  gentleman  in  the  most  aifable 
manner,  and  not  in  the  least  disconcerted ;  "  my  name's  Bouncer ; 
I  remember  seeing  you  when  I  was  a  babby.  How's  the  old  wo 
man  ?"  And  without  waiting  to  hear  Mr.  Green  loftily  reply,  "  Mrs. 
Green — my  WIFE,  sir — is  quite  well — and  I  do  NOT  remember  to 
have  seen  you,  or  ever  heard  your  name,  sir !" — little  Mr.  Bouncer 
made  some  most  unearthly  noises  on  a  post-horn  as  tall  as  himself, 
which'  he  had  brought  for  the  delectation  of  himself  and  his  friends, 
and  the  alarm  of  every  village  they  passed  through. 

"  Never  mind  the  dog,  sir,"  said  the  gentleman  who  sat  between 
Mr.  Bouncer  and  Mr.  Green  ;  "  he  won't  hurt  you.  It's  only  his 
play  ;  he  always  takes  notice  of  strangers." 

"  But  he  is  tearing  my  trousers,"  expostulated  Mr.  Green,  who 
was  by  no  means  partial  to  the  "  play"  of  a  thorough-bred  terrier. 

"  Ah  !  he's  an  uncommon  sensible  dog,"  observed  his  master ; 
"  he's  always  on  the  look-out  for  rats  every  where.  It's  the  Wel 
lington  boots  that  does  it ;  he's  accustomed  to  have  a  rat  put  into  a 
boot,  and  he  worries  it  out  how  he  can.  I  daresay  he  thinks  you've 
got  one  in  yours." 

"  But  I've  got  nothing  of  the  sort,  sir ;  and  I  must  request  you 
to  keep  your  dog — "  A  violent  lit  of  coughing,  caused  by  a  well- 
directed  volley  of  smoke  from  his  neighbour's  lips,  put  a  stop  to  Mr, 
Green's  expostulations.  , 

"  I  hope  my  weed  is  no  annoyance  ?"  said  the  gentleman ;  "  if 
it  is.  I  will  throw  it  away." 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN. 
% 


To  which  piece  of  politeness  Mr.  Green  could,  of  course,  only 
reply,  between  fits  of  coughing,  "  Not  in  the  least,  I — assure  you, — 1 
am  very  fond — of  tobacco — in  the  open  air." 

"  Then  I  daresay  you'll  do  as  we  are  doing,  and  smoke  a  weed 
yourself,"  said  the  gentleman,  as  he  offered  Mr.  Green  a  plethoric 
cigar-case.  But  Mr.  Green's  expression  of  approbation  regarding 
tobacco  was  simply  theoretical;  so  he  treated  his  neighbour's  offer 
as  magazine  editors  do  the  MSS.  of  unknown  contributors — it  was 
"  declined  with  thanks." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  already  had  to  make  a  similar  reply  to 
a  like  proposal  on  the  part  of  his  left-hand  neighbour,  who  was  now 
expressing  violent  admiration  for  our  hero's  top-coat. 

"  Ain't  that  a  good  style  of  coat,  Charley  ?"  he  observed  to  his 
neighbour.  "  I  wish  I'd  seen  it  before  I  got  this  over-coat !  There's 
something  sensible  about  a  real,  unadulterated  top-coat ;  and  there's 
a  style  in  the  way  in  which  they've  let  down  the  skirts,  and  put  on 
the  velvet  collar  and  cuffs  regardless  of  expense,  that  really  quite  goes 
to  one's  heart.  Now  I  daresay  the  nlan  that  built  that,"  he  said,  more 
particularly  addressing  the  owner  of  the  coat,  "  condescends  to  live  in 
a  village,  and  waste  his  sweetness  on  the  desert  air,  while  a  noble 
field  might  be  found  for  his  talent  in  a  University  town.  That  coat 
will  make  quite  a  sensation  in  Oxford.  Won't  it,  Charley  ?" 

And  when  Charley,  quoting  a  popular  actor  (totally  unknown  to 
our  hero),  said,  "  I  believe  you,  my  bo-oy !"  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
began  to  feel  quite  proud  of  the  abilities  of  their  village  tailor,  and 
thought  what  two  delightful  companions  he  had  met  with.  The  rest 
of  the  journey  further  cemented  (as  he  thought)  their  friendship ;  so 
that  he  was  fairly  astonished  when,  on  meeting  them  the  next  day, 
they  stared  him  full  in  the  face,  and  passed  on  without  taking  any 
more  notice  of  him.  But  freshmen  cannot  learn  the  mysteries  oi 
college  etiquette  in  a  day. 

However,  we  are  anticipating.  They  had  not  yet  got  to  Oxford, 
though,  from  the  pace  at  which  they  were  going,  it  appeared  as  ii 
they  would  soon  reach  there ;  for  the  coachman  had  given  up  his 
seat  and  the  reins  to  the  box -passenger,  who  appeared  to  be  as  used 
to  the  business  as  the  coachman  himself;  and  he  was  now  driving 
them,  not  only  in  a  most  scientific  manner,  but  also  at  a  great  pace. 
Mr.  Green  was  not  particularly  pleased  with  the  change  in  the  four- 
wheeled  government ;  but  when  they  went  down  a  hill  at  a  quick  trot, 
the  heavy  luggage  making  the  coach  rock  to  and  fro  with  the  speed, 
his  fears  increased  painfully.  They  culminated  as  the  trot  increased 
into  a  canter,  and  then  broke  into  a  gallop  as  they  swept  along  the 
level  road  at  the  bottom  of  the  hill,  and  rattled  up  the  rise  of  another, 
As  the  horses  walked  over  the  brow  of  the  hill,  with  smoking  flaiik* 


22  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

and  jingling  harness,  Mr.  Green  recovered  sufficient  breath  to  expos 
tulate  with  the  coachman  for  suffering — "  a  mere  lad,"  he  was  about 
to  say, 'but  fortunately  checked  himself  in  time, — for  suffering  any 
one  else  than  the  regular  driver  to  have  the  charge  of  the  coach. 


"  You  never  fret  yourself  about  that,  sir,"  replied  the  man ;  "  I 
knows  my  bis'ness,  as  well  as  my  dooties  to  self  and  purprietors,  and 
I'd  never  go  for  to  give  up  the  ribbins  to  any  party  but  wot  had 
showed  hisself  fitted  to  'andle  'em.  And  I  think  I  may  say  this  for 
the  genelman  as  has  got  'em  now,  that  he's  fit  to  be  fust  vip  to  the 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  23 

Queen  herself;  and  I'm  proud  to  call  him  my  people.  Why,  sir,-— . 
if  his  honour  here  will  pardon  me  for  makin'  so  free, — this  'ere  gent 
is  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke,  of  which  you  must  have  heerd  on." 

Mr.  Green  replied  that  he  had  not  had  that  pleasure. 

"  Ah !  a  pleasure  you  may  call  it,  sir,  with  parfect  truth,"  replied 
the  coachman ;  "  but,  lor  bless  me,  sir,  weer  can  you  have  lived  ?" 

The  "people"  who  had  listened  to  this,  highly  amused,  slightly 
turned  his  head,  and  said  to  Mr.  Green,  "  Pray  don't  feel  any  alarm, 
sir ;  I  believe  you  are  quite  safc  under  my  guidance.  This  is  not  the 
first  time  by  many  that  I  have  driven  this  coach, — not  to  mention 
others ;  and  you  may  conclude  that  I  should  not  have  gained  the 
sobriquet  to  which  my  worthy  friend  has  alluded  without  having 
some  pretensions  to  a  knowledge  of  the  art  of  driving." 

Mr.  Green  murmured  his  apologies  for  his  mistrust,— expressed 
perfect  faith  in  Mr.  Fosbrooke' s  skill — and  then  lapsed  into  silent 
meditation  on  the  various  arts  and  sciences  in  which  the  gentlemen 
of  the  University  of  Oxford  seemed  to  be  most  proficient,  and  pic 
tured  to  himself  what  would  be  his  feelings  if  he  ever  came  to  see 
Verdant  driving  a  coach !  There  certainly  did  not  appear  to  be 
much  probability  of  such  an  event;  but  can  any  paterfamilias  say 
what  even  the  most  carefully  brought  up  young  Hopeful  will  do 
when  he  has  arrived  at  years  of  indiscretion  ? 

Altogether,  Mr.  Green  did  not  particularly  enjoy  the  journey. 
Besides  the  dogs  and  cigars,  which  to  him  were  equal  nuisances,  little 
Mr.  Bouncer  was  perpetually  producing  unpleasant  post-horn  effects, 
— which  he  called  "  sounding  his  octaves," — and  destroying  the  effect 
of  the  airs  on  the  guard's  key-bugle,  by  joining  in  them  at  improper 
times  and  with  discordant  measures.  Mr.  Green,  too,  could  not  but 
perceive  that  the  majority  of  the  conversation  that  was  addressed  to 
himself  and  his  son  (though  more  particularly  to  the  latter),  although 
couched  in  politest  form,  was  yet  of  a  tendency  calculated  to  "  draw 
them  out"  for  the  amusement  of  their  fellow-passengers.  He  also 
observed  that  the  young  gentlemen  severally  exhibited  great  capacity 
for  the  beer  of  Bass  and  the  porter  of  Guinness,  and  were  not  averse 
even  to  liquids  of  a  more  spirituous  description.  Moreover,  Mr. 
Green  remarked  that  the  ministering  Hebes  were  invariably  ad 
dressed  by  their  Christian  names,  and  were  familiarly  conversed 
with  as  old  acquaintances  ;  most  of  them  receiving  direct  offers  of 
marriage,  or  the  option  of  putting  up  the  banns  on  any  Sunday 
hi  the  middle  of  the  week ;  while  the  inquiries  after  their  grand 
mothers  and  the  various  members  of  their  family  circles  were  both 
numerous  and  gratifying.  In  all  these  verbal  encounters  little  Mr. 
Bouncer  particularly  distinguished  himself. 

Woodstock  was  reached  :  "  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke"  gave  up 


24         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

the  reins  to  the  professional  Jehu ;  and  at  last  the  towers,  spires, 
and  domes  of  Oxford  appeared  in  sight.  The  first  view  of  the  City 
oi  Colleges  is  always  one  that  will  be  long  remembered.  Even  the 
railway  traveller,  who  enters  by  the  least  imposing  approach,  and 
can  scarcely  see  that  he  is  in  Oxford  before  he  has  reached  Folly 
Bridge,  must  yet  regard  the  city  with  mingled  feelings  of  delight 
and  surprise  as  he  looks  across  the  Christ  Church  Meadows  and 
rolls  past  the  Tom  Tower.  But  he  who  approaches  Oxford  from 
the  Henley  Road,  and  looks  upon  that  unsurpassed  prospect  from 
Magdalen  Bridge, — or  he  who  enters  the  city,  as  Mr.  Green  did, 
from  the  Woodstock  Road,  and  rolls  down  the  shady  avenue  of 
St.  Giles',  between  St.  John's  College  and  the  Taylor  Buildings, 
and  pass  the  graceful  Martyrs'  Memorial,  will  receive  impressions 
such  as  probably.no  other  city  in  the  world  could  convey. 

As  the  coach  clattered  down  the  Corn-market,  and  turned  the 
corner  by  Carfax  into  High  Street,  Mr.  Bouncer,  having  been  com 
pelled,  in  deference  to  University  scruples,  to  lay  aside  his  post-horn, 
was  consoling  himself  by  chanting  the  following  words,  selected  pro* 
bably  in  compliment  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green : 

"  To  Oxford,  a  Freshman  so  modest, 
I  enter' d  one  morning  in  March  ; 
And  the  figure  I  cut  was  the  oddest — 
All  spectacles,  choker,  and  starch. 

Whack  fol  lol,  lol  iddity,  &». 

From  the  top  of  '  the  Royal  Defiance,' 

Jack  Adams,  who  coaches  so  well, 
Sot  me  down  in  these  regions  of  science, 

In  front  of  the  Mitre  Hotel. 

Whack  fol  lol,  lol  iddity,  &0. 

1  Sure  never  man's  prospects  were  brighter,' 

I  said,  as  I  jumped  from  my  perch  ; 
'  So  quickly  arrived  at  the  Mitre, 

Oh,  I'm  sure  to  get  on  in  the  Church  !' 

Whack  fol  lol,  lol  iddity,  &c." 

By  the  time  Mr.  Bouncer -finished  these  words,  the  coach  appro 
priately  drew  up  at  the  "  Mitre,"  and  the  passengers  tumbled  ofl 
amid  a  knot  of  gownsmen  collected  on  the  pavement  to  receive  them. 
But  no  sooner  were  Mr.  Green  and  our  hero  set  down,  than  they 
were  attacked  by  a  horde  of  the  aborigines  of  Oxford,  who,  know 
ing  by  vulture-like  sagacity  the  aspect  of  a  freshman  and  his  gover 
nor,  swooped  down  upon  them  in  the  guise  of  impromptu  porters, 
and  made  an  indiscriminate  attack  upon  the  luggage.  It  was  only 
by  the  display  of  the  greatest  presence  of  mind  that  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  recovered  his  effects,  and  prevented  his  canvas-covered  boxes 
from  being  carried  off  in  the  wheel-barrows  that  were  trundling  off 
in  all  directions  to  the  various  colleges. 


AN  OXFORD  FBESHMAN. 


25 


But  at  last  all  were  safely  secured.     And  soon,  when  a  snug 
dinner  had  been  discussed  in  a  quiet  room,  and  a  bottle  of  the  famous 


26         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

(though  I  have  heard  some  call  it  "  in-famous")  Dxford  port  had  been 
produced,  Mr.  Green,  under  its  kindly  influence,  opened  his  heart  to 
his  son,  and  gave  him  much  advice  as  to  his  forthcoming  University 
career ;  being,  of  course,  well  calculated  to  do  this  from  his  intimate 
acquaintance  with  the  subject. 

Whether  it  was  the  extra  glass  of  port,  or  whether  it  was  the 
nature  of  his  father's  discourse,  or  whether  it  was  the  novelty  of  his 
situation,  or  whether  it  was  all  these  circumstances  combined,  yet 
certain  it  was  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  first  night  in  Oxford  was 
distinguished  by  a  series,  or  rather  confusion,  of  most  remarkable 
dreams,  in  which  bishops,  archbishops,  and  hobgoblins  elbowed  ona 


another  for  precedence  ;  a  beneficent  female  crowned  him  with  laurel, 
while  Fame  lustily  proclaimed  the  honours  he  had  received,  and  un 
rolled  the  class-list  in  which  his  name  had  first  rank. 

Sweet  land  of  visions,  that  will  with  such  ease  confer  even  a 
treble  first  upon  the  weary  sleeper,  why  must  he  awake  from  thy 
gentle  thraldom,  to  find  the  class-list  a  stern  reality,  and  Graduate- 
ship  too  often  but  an  empty  dream  1 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAX.  ,          27 

CHAPTER  IV. 

MB.  VERDANT  GREEN  BECOMES  AN  OXFORD  UNDERGRADUATE. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  arose  in  the  morning  more  or  less  refreshed ; 
and  after  breakfast  proceeded  with  his  father  to  Brazenface  College 
to  call  upon  the  Master  ;  the  porter  directed  them  where  to  go,  and 
they  sent  up  their  cards.  Dr.  Portman  was  at  home,  and  they  were 
soon  introduced  to  his  presence. 

Instead  of  the  stern,  imposing-looking  personage  that  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  had  expected  to  see  in  the  ruler  among  dons,  and  the  terror  of 
offending  undergraduates,  the  master  of  Brazenface  was  a  mild-look 
ing  old  gentleman,  with  an  inoffensive  amiability  of  expression  and  a 
shy,  re  tiring  manner  that  seemed  to  ultimate  that  he  was  more  alarmed 
at  the  strangers  than  they  had  need  to  be  at  him.  Dr.  Portman 
seemed  to  be  quite  a  part  of  his  college,  for  he  had  passed  the  greatest 
portion  of  his  life  there.  He  had  graduated  there,  he  had  taken 
Scholarships  there,  he  had  even  gained  a  prize-poem  there ;  he  had 
been  elected  a  Fellow  there,  he  had  become  a  Tutor  there,  he  had  been 
Proctor  and  College  Dean  there  ;  there,  during  the  long  vacations,  he 
had  written  his  celebrated  "  Disquisition  on  the  Greek  Particles," 
afterwards  published  in  eight  octavo  volumes ;  and  finally,  there  he 
had  been  elected  Master  of  his  college,  in  which  office,  honoured  and 
respected,  he  appeared  likely  to  end  his  days.  He  was  unmarried ;  per  • 
haps  he  had  never  found  time  to  think  of  a  wife ;  perhaps  he  had  never 
had  the  courage  to  propose  for  one  ;  perhaps  he  had  met  with  early 
crosses  and  disappointments,  and  had  shrined  in  his  heart  a  fair  image 
that  should  never  be  displaced.  Who  knows  ?  for  dons  are  mortals, 
and  have  been  undergraduates  once. 

The  little  hair  he  had  was  of  a  silvery  white,  although  his  eye 
brows  retained  their  black  hue ;  and  to  judge  from  the  fine  fresh- 
coloured  features  and  the  dark  eyes  that  were  now  nervously  twink 
ling  upon  Mr.  Green,  Dr.  Portman  must,  in  his  more  youthful  days, 
have  had  an  ample  share  of  good  looks.  He  was  dressed  in  an  old- 
fashioned  reverend  suit  of  black,  with  knee-breeches  and  gaiters,  and 
a  massive  watch-seal  dangling  from  under  his  waistcoat,  and  was  deep 
in  the  study  of  his  favourite  particles.  He  received  our  hero  and 
his  father  both  nervously  and  graciously,  and  bade  them  be  seated. 

"  I  shall  al-ways,"  he  said,  in  monosyllabic  tones,  as  though  he 
were  reading  out  of  a  child's  primer, — "  i  shall  al-ways  be  glad  to  see 
liny  of  the  young  friends  of  my  old  col-lege  friend  Lar-kyns ;  and  I 


28  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GREtLTf, 

do  re-joice  to  be  a-ble  to  serve  you,  Mis-ter  Green ;  and  I  Lope  youl 
son,  Mis-ter,  Mis-ter  Vir Vir-gin-ius," — 

"  Verdant,  Dr.  Portman,"  interrupted  Mr.  Green,  suggestively, 
"  Verdant." 

"  Oh  !  true,  true,  true !  and  I  do  hope  that  he  wijl  be  a  ve-ry 
good  young  man,  and  try  to  do  hon-our  to  his  col-lege." 

"  I  trust  he  will,  indeed,  sir,"  replied  Mr.  Green ;  "  it  is  the 
great  wish  of  my  heart.  And  I  am  sure  that  you  will  find  my  son 
both  quiet  and  orderly  in  his  conduct,  regular  in  his  duties,  and  always 
in  bed  by  ten  o'clock." 


"  Well,  I  hope  so  too,  Mis-ter  Green,"  said  Dr.  Portman,  mono- 
syllabically  ;  "  but  all  the  young  gen-tle-men  do  pro-mise  to  be  reg-u- 
lar  and  or-der-ly  when  they  first  come  up,  but  a  term  makes  a  great 
dif-fer-ence.  But  I  dare  say  my  young  friend  Mis-ter  Vir-gin-ius," — 

"  Verdant,"  smilingly  suggested  Mr.  Green. 

"  I  beg  your  par-don,"  apologised  Dr.  Portman ;  "  but  I  dare 
say  that  lie  will  do  as  you  say,  for  in-deed  my  friend  Lar-kyns  speaks 
well  of  him." 

"  I  am  delighted — proud !"  murmured  Mr.  Green,  while  Ver 
dant  felt  himself  blushing  up  to  his  spectacles. 

"  We  are  ve-ry  full,"  Dr.  Portman  went  on  to  say,  "  but  as  I  do 

ex-pect  great  things  from  Mis-ter  Vir-gin Verdant,  Verdant,  I 

have  put  some  rooms  at  his  ser-vice ;  and  if  you  would  like  to  se« 


AJ«  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  20 

them,  my  ser-vant  shall  show  you  the  way."  The  servant  was  ac 
cordingly  summoned,  and  received  orders  to  that  effect ;  while  the 
Master  told  Verdant  that  he  must,  at  two  o'clock,  present  himself  to 
Mr.  Slowcoach,  his  tutor,  who  would  examine  him  for  his  matricu 
lation. 

"  I  am  sor-ry,  Mis-ter  Green,"  said  Dr.  Portman,  "  that  my  en- 
gage-ments  will  pre-vent  me  from  ask-ing  you  and  Mis-ter  Virg — 
Ver-dant,  to  dine  with  me  to-day ;  but  I  do  hope  that  the  next  time 
you  come  to  Ox-ford  I  shall  be  more  for-tu-nate." 

Old  John,  the  Common-room  man,  who  had  heard  this  speech 
made  to  hundreds  of  "  governors"  through  many  generations  of  fresh 
men,  could  not  repress  a  few  pantomimic  asides,  that  were  suggestive 
of  any  thing  but  full  credence  in  his  masters  words.  But  Mr.  Green 
was  delighted  with  Dr.  Portman's  affability,  and  perceiving  that  the 
interview  was  at  an  end,  made  his  conge,  and  left  the  Master  of  Brazen- 
face  to  his  Greek  particles. 


They  had  just  got  outside,  when  the  servant  said,  "  Oh,  there 
id  the  scout !  Your  scout,  sir  !"  at  which  our  hero  blushed  from  the 
consciousness  of  his  new  dignity  ;  and,  by  way  of  appearing  at  his  ease, 
inquired  the  scours  name. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"  Robert  Filcher,  sir,"  replied  the  servant ;  "  but  the  gentlemen 
always  call  ;em  by  their  Christian  names."  And  beckoning  the  scout 
to  him,  he  bade  him  show  the  gentlemen  to  the  rooms  kept  for  Mr. 
Verdant  Green ;  and  then  took  himself  back  to  the  Master. 

Mr.  Robert  Filcher  might  perhaps  have  been  forty  years  of  age, 
perhaps  fifty ;  there  was  cunning  enough  in  his  face  to  fill  even  a  cen 
tury  of  wily  years ;  and  there  was  a  depth  of  expression  in  his  look,  as 
he  asked  our  hero  if  he  was  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  that  proclaimed  his 
custom  of  reading  a  freshman  at  a  glance.  Mr.  Filcher  was  laden 
with  coats  and  boots  that  had  just  been  brushed  and  blacked  for  their 
respective  masters ;  and  he  was  bearing  a  jug  of  Buttery  ale  (they 
are  renowned  for  their  ale  at  Brazenface)  to  the  gentleman  who  owned 
the  pair  of  "  tops"  that  were  now  flashing  in  the  ^un  as  they  dangled 
from  the  scout's  hand. 

"  Please  to  follow  me,  gentlemen,"  he  said ;  "  it's  only  just  across 
the  quad.  Third  floor,  No.  4  staircase,  fust  quad ;  that's  about  the 
mark,  /  think,  sir." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  glanced  curiously  round  the  Quadrangle,  with 
its  picturesque  irregularity  of  outline,  its  towers  and  turrets  and  battle 
ments,  its  grey  time-eaten  walls,  its  rows  of  mullioned  heavy-headed 
windows,  and  the  quiet  cloistered  air  that  spoke  of  study  and  reflec 
tion  ;  and  perceiving  on  one  side  a  row  of  large  windows,  with  great 
buttresses  between,  and  a  species  of  steeple  on  the  high-pitched  roof, 
he  made  bold  (just  to  try  the  effect)  to  address  Mr.  Filcher  by  the 
name  assigned  to  him  at  an  early  period  of  his  life  by  his  godfathers 
and  godmothers,  and  inquired  if  that  building  was  the  chapel. 

"  No,  sir,"  replied  Robert,  "  that  there's  the  'All,  sir,  that  is, — 
where  you  dines,  sir,  leastways  when  you  ain't '  JEger,'  or  elseweer. 
That  at  the  top  is  the  lantern,  sir,  that  is  ;  called  so  because  it  never 
has  no  candle  in  it.  The  chapel's  the  hopposite  side,  sir. — Please 
not  to  walk  on  the  grass,  sir ;  there's  a  fine  agin  it,  unless  you're  a 
Master.  This  way  if  you  please,  gentlemen  !"  Thus  the  scout  be 
guiled  them,  as  he  led  them  to  an  open  doorway  with  a  large  4 
painted  over  it ;  inside  was  a  door  on  either  hand,  while  a  coal-bin 
displayed  its  black  face  from  under  a  staircase  that  rose  immediately 
before  them.  Up  this  they  went,  following  the  scout  (who  had  van 
ished  for  a  moment  with  the  boots  and  beer) ;  and  when  they  had 
passed  the  first  floor,  they  found  the  ascent  by  no  means  easy  to  the 
body  or  pleasant  to  the  sight.  The  once  white-washed  walls  were 
coated  with  the  uncleansed  dust  of  the  three  past  terms ;  and  where 
^he  plaster  had  not  been  chipped  off  by  flying  porter-bottles  or  the 
heels  of  Wellington  boots,  its  surface  had  afforded  an  irresistible 
temptation  to  those  imaginative  undergraduates  who  displayed  their 
Artistic  genius  in  candle-smoke  cartoons  of  the  heads  of  the  Universi« 
ftty,  and  other  popular  and  unpopular  characters.  All  Mr.  Green.1! 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN. 


31 


oaation,  as  he  crept  up  the  dark,  twisting  staircase,  could  net  prevent 
him  from  crushing  his  hat  against  the  low,  cob  webbed  ceiling,  and  he 


gave  vent  to  a  very  strong  but  quiet  anathema,  which  glided  quietly 
and  audibly  into  the  remark,  "  Confounded  awkward  staircase,  I 
think !" 

"  Just  what  Mr.  Bouncer  says,"  replied  the  scout,  "  although  he 
don't  reach  so  high  as  you,  sir ;  but  he  do  say,  sir,  when  he  comes 
home  pleasant  at  night  from  some  wine-party,  that  it  is  the  aukardest 
staircase  as  was  ever  put  before  a  gentleman's  legs.  And  he  did  go 
so  far,  sir,  as  to  ask  the  Master,  if  it  wouldn't  be  better  to  have  a 
staircase  as  would  go  up  of  hisself,  and  take  the  gentlemen  up  with 
it,  like  one  as  they  has  at  some  public  show  in  London — the  Call-and 
see-em,  I  think  he  said." 

"  The  Colosseum,  probably,"  suggested  Mr.  Green.  "  And  what 
did  Dr.  Portman  say  to  that,  pray  ?" 

"  Why  he  said,  sir, — leastways  so  Mr.  Bouncer  reported, — that 
it  worn't  by  no  means  a  bad  idea,  and  that  p'raps  Mr.  Bouncer'd  find 
it  done  in  six  months'  time,  when  he  come  back  again  from  the  country. 
For  you  see,  sir,  Mr.  Bouncer  had  made  hisself  so  pleasant,  that  he'd 
been  and  got  the  porter  out  o'  bed,  and  corked  his  face  dreadful ;  and 
then,  sir,  he'd  been  and  got  a  Hiim-board  from  somewhere  out  of  the 
town,  acd  bung  it  on  ths  Master,  private  uoor ;  so  ui*t  when  thu) 


32         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

went  to  early  chapel  in  the  morning,  they  read  as  how  the  Master 
was  'licensed  to  sell  beer  by  retail,'  and  '  to  be  drunk  on  the  pre« 
mises.'  So  when  the  Master  came  to  know  who  it  was  as  did  it, 
which  in  course  the  porter  told  him,  he  said  as  how  Mr.  Bounce/ 
had  better  go  down  into  the  country  for  a  year,  for  change  of  hair; 
and  to  visit  his  friends." 

"  Very  kind  indeed  of  Dr.  Portman,"  said  our  hero,  who  missed 
the  moral  of  the  story ,  and  took  the  rustication  for  a  kind  forgiveness 
of  injuries. 

"  Just  what  Mr.  Bouncer  said,  sir,"  replied  the  scout,  "  he  said 
it  were  pertickler  kind  and  thoughtful.  This  is  his  room,  sir ;  he 
come  up  on'y  yesterday."  And  he  pointed  to  a  door,  above  which 
was  painted  in  white  letters  on  a  black  ground,  "  BOUNCER." 

"  Why,"  said  Mr.  Green  to  his  son, "  now  I  think  of  it,  Bouncei 
was  the  name  of  that  short  young  gentleman  who  came  with  us  on 
the  coach  yesterday,  and  made  himself  so — so  unpleasant  with  a  tin 
horn." 

"  That's  the  gent,  sir,"  observed  the  scout ;  "  that's  Mr.  Bouncer, 
agoing  the  complete  unicorn,  as  he  calls  it.  I  dare  say  you'll  find 
him  a  pleasant  neighbour,  sir.  Your  rooms  is  next  to  his." 

With  some  doubts  of  these  prospective  pleasures,  the  Mr.  Greens, 
pere  etjils,  entered  through  a  double  door  painted  over  the  outside 
with  the  name  of"  SMALLS  ;"  to  which  Mr.  Filcher  directed  our  hero's 
attention  by  saying,  "  You  can  have  that  name  took  out,  sir,  and 
your  own  name  painted  in.  Mr.  Smalls  has  just  moved  hisself  to 
the  other  quad,  and  that's  why  the  rooms  is  vacant,  sir." 

Mr.  Filcher  then  went  on  to  point  out  the  properties  and  capa 
bilities  of  the  rooms,  and  also  their  mechanical  contrivances. 

"  This  is  the  hoak,  this  'ere  outer  door  is,  sir,  which  the  gentle 
men  sports,  that  is  to  say,  shuts,  sir,  when  they're  a  readiri'.  Not  as 
Mr.  Smalls  ever  hinterfered  with  his  constitootion  by  too  much  'ard 
study  sir  ;  he  only  sported  his  hoak  when  people  used  to  get  trouble 
some  about  their  little  bills.  Here's  a  place  for  coals,  sir,  though 
Mr.  Smalls,  he  kept  his  bull-terrier  there,  which  was  agin  the  regu 
lations,  as  you  know,  sir."  (Verdant  nodded  his  head,  as  though  ho 
were  perfectly  aware  of  the  tact.)  "  This  ere's  your  bed-room,  sir. 
Very  small,  did  you  say,  sir  ?  Oh,  no,  sir ;  not  by  no  means  !  We 
thinks  that  in  college  reether  a  biggish  bed-room,  sir.  Mr.  Smalls 
thought  so,  sir,  and  he's  hi  his  second  year,  he  is."  (Mr.  Filcher 
thoroughly  understood  the  science  of  "  flooring"  a  freshman.) 

"  This  is  my  room,  sir,  this  is,  for  keepin'  your  cups  arid  saucers, 
{•*"'  wine-glassed  and  tumblers,  and  them  sort  o' things,  and  washin' 
'em  up  when  you  wants  'em.  If  you  likes  to  keep  your  wine  and 
e-perrits  here,  sir — Mr.  Smalls  always  did — you'll  find  it  a  nice  cool 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  33 

place,  sir :  or  else  here's  this  'ere  winder-  seat ;  you  Bee,  sir,  it  opens 
with  a  lid,  'andy  for  the  purpose." 


"  If  you  act  upon  that  suggestion,  Verdant,"  remarked  Mr.  Green 
aside  to  his  son,  "  I  trust  that  a  lock  will  be  added." 

There  was  not  a  superfluity  of  furniture  in  the  room  ;  and  Mr. 
Smalls  having  conveyed  away  the  luxurious  part  of  it,  that  which 
was  left  had  morfc  of  the  useful  than  t,he  ornamental  character ;  but 
as  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  no  Sybarite,  this  point  was  but  of  little 
consequence.  The  window  looked  with  a  sunny  aspect  down  upon 
the  quad,  and  over  the  opposite  buildings  were  seen  the  spires  of 
churches,  the  dome  of  the  Radcliffe,  and  the  gables,  pinnacles,  and 
turrets  of  other  colleges.  This  was  pleasant  enough :  pleasanter  than 
the  stale  odours  of  the  Virginian  weed  that  rose  from  the  faded  green 
window-curtains,  and  from  the  old  Kidderminster  carpet  that  had 
been  charred  and  burnt  into  holes  with  the  fag-ends  of  cigars. 

"  Well,  Verdant,"  said  Mr.  Green,  when  they  had  completed 
their  inspection,  "  the  rooms  are  not  so  very  bad,  and  I  think  you 
ir  ay  be  able  to  make  yourself  comfortable  in  them.  But  I  wish  tlu  y 
v  ere  not  so  high  up.  I  don't  see  how  you  can  escape  if  a  fire  was 
to  break  out,  and  I  am  afraid  collegians  must  be  very  careless  on 
thise  points.  Indeed,  your  mother  made  me  promise  that  I  would 
speak  to  Dr.  Portraan  about  it,  and  ask  him  to  please  to  allow  your 
tutor,  or  somebody,  to  see  tha-t  your  fire  was  safely  raked  out  at 
night ;  and  1  had  intended  to  have  done  so,  but  somehow  it  quite 

2* 


84 


THE  ADVEKTUEES  OF  ME.  VEEDANT  GEEEN, 


escaped  me.  How  your  mother  and  all  at  home  would  like  to  sea 
you  in  your  own  college  room  ! "  And  the  thoughts  of  father  and 
son  flew  back  to  the  Manor  Green  and  its  occupants,  who  were 
doubtless  at  the  same  time  thinking  of  them. 

Mr.  Filcher  then  explained  the  system  of  thirds,  by  which  the 
furniture  of  the  room  was  to  be  paid 
for  ;  and,  having  accompanied  his  future 
master  and  Mr.  Green  downstairs,  the 
latter  accomplishing  the  descent  not 
without  difficulty  and  contusions,  and 
having  pointed  out  the  way  to  Mr.  Slow 
coach's  rooms,  Mr.  Kobert  Filcher  re 
lieved  his  feelings  by  indulging  in  a 
ballet  of  action,  or  pas  cTextase;  in 
which  poetry  of  motion  he  declared  his 
joy  at  the  last  valuable  addition  to  Bra- 
zenface,  and  his  own  perquisites. 

Mr.  Slowcoach  was  within,  and  would 
see  Mr.  Verdant  Green.  So  that  young 
gentleman,  trembling  with  agitation,  and 
feeling  as  though  he  would  have  given 
pounds  for  the  staircase  to  have  been 
as  high  as  that  of  Babel,  followed  the 
servant  upstairs,  and  left  his  father,  in 
almost  as  great  a  state  of  nervousness, 
pacing  the  quad  below.  But  it  was  not 
the  formidable  affair,  nor  was  Mr.  Slowcoach  the  formidable  man, 
that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  anticipated ;  and  by  the  time  that  he 
had  turned  a  piece  of  Spectator  into  Latin,  our  hero  had  some 
what  recovered  his  usual  equanimity  of  mind  and  serenity  of  ex 
pression:  and  the  construing  of  half  a  dozen  lines  of  Livy  and  Homer, 
and  the  answering  of  a  few  questions,  was  a  mere  form ;  for  Mr. 
Slowcoach's  longs  practice  enabled  him  to  see  in  a  very  few  minutes 
if  the  freshman  before  him  (however  nervous  he  might  be)  had  the 
usual  average  of  abilities,  and  was  up  to  the  business  of  lectures.  So 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  soon  dismissed,  and  returned  to  his  fathet 
radiant  and  happy. 


IN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN. 


CHAPTER  V. 

MB.  VERDANT  GREEN  MATRICULATES,  AND  MAKES  A  SENSATION. 

As  they  went  out  at  the  gate,  they  inquired  of  tbe  porter  for  Mr, 
Charles  Larkyns,  but  they  found  that  he  had  not  yet  returned  from 
the  friend's  house  where  he  had  been  during  the  vacation ;  where 
upon  Mr.  Green  said  that  they  would  go  and  look  at  the  Oxford 
lions,  so  that  he  might  be  able  to  answer  any  of  the  questions  that 
should  be  put  to  him  on  his  return.  They  soon  found  a  guide,  one 


of  those  wonderful  people  to  which  show-places  give  birth,  and  of 
whom  Oxford  can  boast  a  very  goodly  average ;  and  under  this  gen 
tleman's  guidance  Mr-  Verdant  Green  made  his  first  acquaintance 
with  the  fair  outside  of  his  Aluia  Mater. 


36 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


The  short,  thick  stick  of  the  guide  served  to  direct  attention  tc 
the  various  objects  he  enumerated  in  his  rapid  career.  "  This  here's 
Christ  Church  College,"  he  said,  as  he  trotted  them  down  St.  Aldate*s, 
"  built  by  Card'nal  Hoolsy  four  underd  feet  long  and  the  famous 
Tom  Tower  as  tolls  wun  underd  and  wun  hevery  night  that  being 
the  number  of  stoodents  on  the  foundation ;"  and  thus  the  guide  went 
on,  perfectly  independent  of  the  artificial  trammels  of  punctuation, 
and  not  particular  whether  his  hearers  understood  him  or  not :  that 
was  not  his  business.  And  as  it  was  that  gentleman's  boast  that  he 
"  could  do  the  alls,  collidges,  and  principal  hedifices  in  a  nour  and  a 
naif,"  it  could  not  be  expected  but  that  Mr.  Green  should  take  back  to 
Warwickshire  otherwise  than  a  slightly  confused  impression  of  Oxford. 
When  he  unrolled  that  rich  panorama  before  his  "  mind's  eye," 

all  its  component  parts 
were  strangely  out  of  place. 
The  rich  spire  of  St.  Mary's 
claimed  acquaintance  with 
her  poorer  sister  at  the  ca 
thedral.  The  cupola  of  the 
Tom  Tower  got  into  close 
quarters  with  the  huge 
dome  of  the  iladcliffe,  that 
shrugged  up  its  great  round 
shoulders  at  the  intrusion 
of  the  cross-bred  Grasco- 
Gothic  tower  of  All  Saints. 
The  theatre  had  walked 
up  to  St.  Giles's  to  see 
how  the  Taylor  Buildings 
agreed  with  the  University 
galleries ;  while  the  Mar 
tyrs'  Memorial  had  stepped 
down  to  Magdalen  Bridge, 
in  time  to  see  the  col 
lege  taking  a  walk  in  the 
Botanic  Gardens.  The 
Schools  and  the  Bodleian 
had  set  their  back  against 

the  stately  portico  of  the  Clarendon  Press;  while  the  antiquated 
Ashmolean  had  given  place  to  the  more  modern  TownhaJl.  The 
time-honoured,  black-looking  front  of  University  College  had  changed 
into  the  cold  cleanliness  of  the  "  classic "  fagade  of  Queen's.  The 
two  towers  of  All  Souls',— whose  several  stages  seem  to  be  pulled 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  37 

out  of  each  other  like  the  parts  of  a  telescope, — had,  somehow, 
removed  themselves  atom  the  rest  of  the  building,  which  had  gone, 
nevertheless,  on  a  tour  to  Broad  Street ;  behind  which,  as  every 
one  knows,  are  the  Broad  Walk  and  the  Christ  Church  meadows. 
Merton  Chapel  had  got  into  New  quarters ;  and  Wadham  had  gone 
to  Worcester  for  change  of  air.  Lincoln  had  migrated  from  near 
Exeter  to  Pembroke ;  and  Brasenose  had  its  nose  quite  put  out  of 
joint  by  St.  John's.  In  short,  if  the  maps  of  Oxford  are  to  b« 
trusted,  there  had  been  a  general  pousset  movement  among  its  pub 
lic  buildings. 

But  if  such  a  shrewd  and  practised  observer  as  Sir  Walter  Scott, 
after  a  week's  hard  and  systematic  sight-seeing,  could  only  say  of  Ox 
ford,  "  The  time  has  been  much  too  short  to  convey  to  me  separate 
and  distinct  ideas  of  all  the  variety  of  wonders  that  I  saw  :  my  me 
mory  only  at  present  furnishes  a  grand  but  indistinct  picture  of  towers, 
and  chapels,  and  oriels,  and  vaulted  halls,  and  libraries,  and  paint 
ings  ;" — if  Sir  Walter  Scott  could  say  this  after  a  week's  work,  it  is 
not  to  be  wondered  at  that  Mr.  Green,  after  so  brief  and  rapid  a  sur 
vey  of  the  city  at  the  heels  of  an  unintelligent  guide,  should  feel  him 
self  slightly  confused  when,  on  his  return  to  the  Manor  Green,  he  at 
tempted  to  give  a  slight  description  of  the  wonderful  sights  of  Oxford. 

There  wus  one  lion  of  Oxford,  however,  whose  individuality  oi 
expression  was  too  striking  either  to  be  forgotten  or  confused  with 
the  ma,ny  other  lions  around.  Although  (as  in  Byron's  Dream] 

"  A  mass  of  many  images 
Crowded  like  waves  upon" 

Mr.  Green,  yet  clear  and  distinct  through  all  there  ran 

"  The  stream-like  windings  of  that  glorious  street,"* 

to  which  one  of  the  first  critics  of  the  agef  has  given  this  high  testi 
mony  of  praise :  "  the  High  Street  of  Oxford  has  not  its*equal  in 
the  whole  world." 

Mr.  Green  could  not,  of  course,  leave  Oxford  until  he  had  seen 
his  beloved  son  in  that  elegant  cap  and  preposterous  gown  which 
constitute  the  present  academical  dress  of  the  Oxford  undergraduate ; 
and  to  assume  which,  with  a  legal  right  to  the  same,  matriculation 
is  first  necessary.  As  that  amusing  and  instructive  book,  the  Uni 
versity  Statutes,  says  in  its  own  delightful  and  unrivalled  canine 
Latin,  "  Statutum  est,  quod  nemopi-o  Studente,  sen  Scholar^  habeatvrt 
nee  ullis  Universitatis  privilegns,  aut  benefieiis"  (the  cap  and  gown, 

*  Wordsworth,  Miscellaneous  Sonnets. 

f  Dr.  Waagen,  Art  and  Artists  in  England, 


38         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

of  course,  being  among  these,)  "  gaudeat,  nisi  qui  in  aliquod  Colle 
giumrvel  Aulam  admissus  fuerit,  et  intra  quindenam  post  talem  ad- 
missionem  in  matriculam  Universitatis  fuerit  relatus"  So  our  here 
put  on  the  required  white  tie,  and  then  went  forth  to  complete  his 
proper  costume. 

There  were  so  many  persons  purporting  to  be  "  Academical  robe- 
makers,"  that  Mr.  Green  was  some  little  time  in  deciding  who  should 
be  the  tradesman  favoured  with  the  order  for  his  son's  adornment. 
At  last  he  fixed  upon  a  shop,  the  window  of  which  contained  a  more 
imposing  display  than  its  neighbours  of  gowns,  hoods,  surplices,  and 
robes  of  all  shapes  and  colours,  from  the  black  velvet-sleeved  proc« 
tor's  to  the  blushing  gorgeousness  of  the  scarlet  robe  and  crimson 
eilk  sleeves  of  the  D.C.L. 

"  I  wish  you,"  said  Mr.  Green,  advancing  towards  a  smirking 
individual,  who  was  in  his  shirt-sleeves  and  slippers,  but  in  all  other 
respects  was  attired  with  great  magnificence, — "I  wish  you  to  mea 
sure  this  gentleman  for  his  academical  robes,  and  also  to  allow  him 
the  use  of  some  to  be  matriculated  in." 

"  Certainly,  sir,"  said  the  robe-maker,  who  stood  bowing  and 
smirking  before  them, — as  Hood  expressively  says, 

"  Washing  his  hands  with  invisible  soap, 
In  imperceptible  water  ;" — 

*  certainly,  sir,  if  you  wish  it :  but  it  will  scarcely  be  necessary, 
sir ;  as  our  custom  is  so  extensive,  that  we  keep  a  large  ready-made 
stock  constantly  on  hand." 

"Oh,  that  will  do  just  as  well,"  said  Mr.  Green;  "better,  in 
deed.  Let  us  see  some." 

"What  description  of  robe  would  be  required  ?"  said  the  smirking 
gentleman,  again  making  use  of  the  invisible  soap ;  "  a  scholar's  ?" 

"  A  scholar's !"  repeated  Mr.  Green,  very  much  wondering  at 
the  question,  and.  imagining  that  all  students  must  of  necessity  be 
also  scholars ;  "  yes,  a  scholar's,  of  course." 

A  scholar's  gown  was  accordingly  produced :  and  its  deep,  wide 
sleeves,  and  ample  length  and  breadth,  were  soon  displayed  to  some 
advantage  on  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  tall  figure.  Reflected  in  a  large 
mirror,  its  charms  were  seen  in  their  full  perfection ;  and  when  the 
delighted  Mr.  Green  exclaimed,  "  Why,  Verdant,  I  never  saw  you 
look  so  well  as  you  do  now !"  our  hero  was  inclined  to  think  that 
his  father's  words  were  the  words  of  truth,  and  that  a  scholar's  gown 
was  indeed  becoming.  The  tout  ensemble  was  complete  when  the 
cap  had  been  added  to  the  gown ;  more  especially  as  Verdant  put 
it  on  in  such  a  manner  that  the  polite  robe-maker  was  obliged  to 


AN  OXFORD  FKESHMAN. 


say,  "  The  hother  way,  if  you  please,  sir.  Immaterial  perhaps,  but 
generally  preferred.  In  fact,  the  shallow  part  is  always  the  f  jre» 
head, — at  least,  in  Oxford,  sir." 

While  Mr.  Green  was  paying  for  the  cap  and  gown  (N.B.  the 
money  of  governors  is  never  refused),  the  robe-maker  smirked,  and 
said,  "  Hexcuse  the  question ;  but  may  I  hask,  sir,  if  this  is  the 
gentleman  that  has  just  gained  the  Scotland  Scholarship  ?" 

"  No,"  replied  Mr.  Green.  "  My  son  has  just  gained  his  matri 
culation,  and,  I  believe,  very  creditably  ;  but  nothing  more,  as  we 
only  came  here  yesterday." 

"  Then  I  think,  sir,"  said  the  robe-maker,  with  redoubled  smirks 
— "  I  think,  sir,  there  is  a  leetle  mistake  here.  The  gentleman  will  be 
hinfringing  the  University  statues,  if  he  wears  a  scholar's  gown  and 
hasn't  got  a  scholarship ;  and  these  robes  '11  be  of  no  use  to  the  gen 
tleman,  yet  awhile  at  least.  It  will  be  an  undergraduate's  go\r 
that  he  requires,  sir." 

It  was  fortunate  for 
our  hero  that  the  mis- 
take  was  discovered  so 
soon,  and  could  be  rec 
tified  without  any  of 
those  unpleasant  conse 
quences  of  iconoclasm 
to  which  the  robe- 
maker's  infringement  of 
the  "  statues"  seemed 
to  point;  but  as  that 
gentleman  put  the  scho 
lar's  gown  on  one  side, 
and  brought  out  a  com 
moner's,  he  might  have 
been  heard  to  mutter, 
"  I  don't  know  which  is 
the  freshest,  the  fresh 
man  or  his  guv'nor." 

When  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  once  more  looked 
in  the  glass,  and  saw 
hanging  straight  from 
his  shoulders  a  yard  of 

blueish-black  stuff,  garnished  with  a  little  lappet,  and  two  streai 
whose  upper  parts  were  gathered  into  double  plaits,  he  regretted 
that  he  was  not  indeed  a  scholar,  if  it  were  only  for  the  privilege  o< 
wearing  so  elegant  a  gown.    However,  his  father  smiled  approvingly 


40         THE  ADVENTUEES  OF  ME.  VEEDANT  GEEEN, 

the  robe-maker  smirked  judiciously ;  so  he  came  to  the  gratifying 
conclusion  that  the  commoner's  gown  was  by  no  means  ugly,  and 
would  be  thought  a  great  deal  of  at  the  Manor  Green  when  he  took 
it  home  at  the  end  of  the  term. 

Leaving  his  hat  with  the  robe -maker,  who,  with  many  more 
smirks  and  imaginary  washings  of  the  hands,  hoped  to  be  favoured 
with  the  gentleman's  patronage  on  future  occasions,  and  begged 
further  to  trouble  him  with  a  card  of  his  establishment, — our  hero 
proceeded  with  his  father  along  the  High  Street,  and  turned  round 
by  St.  Mary's,  and  so  up  Cat  Street  to  the  Schools,  where  they 
made  their  way  to  the  classic  "  Pig-market/"*  to  await  the  arrival 
of  the  Vice-Chancellor. 

When  he  came,  our  freshman  and  two  other  white-tied  fellow- 
freshmen  were  summoned  to  the  great  man's  presence ;  and  there, 
in  the  ante-chamber  of  the  Convocation  House, -f  the  edifying  and 
imposing  spectacle  of  Matriculation  was  enacted.  In  the  first  place, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  took  divers  oaths,  and  sincerely  promised  and 
swore  that  he  would  be  faithful  and  bear  true  allegiance  to  her 
Majesty  Queen  Victoria.  He  also  professed  (very  much  to  his  own 
astonishment)  that  he  did  "  from  his  heart  abhor,  detest,  and  abjure, 
as  impious  and  heretical,  that  damnable  doctrine  and  position,  that 
princes  excommunicated  or  deprived  by  the  pope,  or  any  authority 
of  the  see  of  Home,  may  be  deposed  or  murdered  by  their  subjects, 
or  any  other  whatsoever."  And,  having  almost  lost  his  breath  at 
this  novel  "  position,"  Mr.  Verdant  Green  could  only  gasp  his  decla 
ration,  "  that  no  foreign  prince,  person,  prelate,  state,  or  potentate, 
hath,  or  ought  to  have,  any  jurisdiction,  power,  superiority,  pre 
eminence,  or  authority,  ecclesiastical  or  spiritual,  within  this  realm." 
When  he  had  sufficiently  recovered  his  presence  of  mind,  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green  inserted  his  name  in  the  University  books  as  "  Generosi 
filius  natu  maximus ;"  and  then  signed  his  name  to  the  Thirty -nine 
Articles, — though  he  did  not  endanger  his  matriculation,  as  Theodore 
Hook  did,  by  professing  his  readiness  to  sign  forty  if  they  wished  it ! 

*  The  reason  why  such  a  name  has  been  given  to  the  Schools'  quadrangle 
may  be  found  in  the  following  extract  fi'om  Ingram' s  Memorials :  "  The  schools 
built  by  Abbot  Hokenorton  being  inadequate  to  the  increasing  wants  of  the 
University,  they  applied  to  the  Abbot  of  Reading  for  stone  to  rebuild  them  ; 
and  in  the  year  1532  it  appears  that  cons.derable  sums  of  money  were  ex- 
ponded  on  them  ;  but  they  went  to  decay  in  the  latter  part  of  the  reign  ol 
Henry  VIII.  and  during  the  whole  reign  of  Edward  VI.  The  change  of  reli 
gion  having  occasioned  a  suspension  of  the  usual  exercises  and  scholastic  act! 
in  the  University,  in  the  year  1540  only  two  of  these  schools  were  used  by  do- 
terminers,  .and  within  two  years  after  none  at  all.  The  whole  area  between 
these  schools  and  the  dhinity  school  was  subsequently  converted  into  a  gardac 
and  pig '-market  ;  and  the  schools  themselves,  being  completely  abandoned  bj 
the  masters  and  scholars,  were  used  by  glovers  and  laundresses." 

•f  "  In  apodyterio  doniui  congregationis." 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  41 

Then  the  Vice-Chancellor  concluded  the  performance  by  presenting  to 
the  three  freshmen  (in  the  most  liberal  manner)  three  brown-looking 
volumes,  with  these  words ;  "  Scitote  vos  in  Matriculant  Universi- 
tatis  hodie  relates  esse,  sub  hac  conditione,  nempe  ut  oninia  Statuta 
hoc  libro  comprehensa  pro  virili  observetis."  And  the  ceremony  was 
at  an  end,  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  a  matriculated  member  01 
the  University  of  Oxford.  He  was  far  too  nervous, — from  the 
weakening  effect  of  the  popes,  and  the  excommunicate  princes,  and 
their  murderous  subjects, — to  be  able  to  translate  and  understand 
what  the  Vice- Chancellor  had  said  to  him,  but  he  thought  his  present 
to  be  particularly  kind ;  and  he  found  it  a  copy  of  the  University 
Statutes,  which  he  determined  forthwith  to  read  and  obey. 

Though  if  he  had  known  that  he  had  sworn  to  observe  statutes 
which  required  him,  among  other  things,  to  wear  garments  only  of 
a  black  or  "  subfusk"  hue ;  to  abstain  from  that  absurd  and  proud 
custom  of  walking  in  public  in  boots,  and  the  ridiculous  one  of  wear- 


ing  the  hair  long  ;* — statutes,  moreover,  which  demanded  of  him  tc 
refrain  from  all  taverns,  wine-shops,  and  houses  in  which  they  sold 
wine  or  any  other  drink,  and  the  herb  called  nicotiana  or  "  uobacco ;" 
not  to  hunt  wild  beasts  with  dogs  or  snares  or  nets ;  not  to  carrj 
crossbows  or  other  "bombarding"  weapons,  or  keep  hawks  forfowJ 

*  See  the  Oxford  Statutes,  tit.  xiv.  "  De  vestitu  et  habitu  scholastioo." 


42         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

ing ;  not  to  frequent  theatres  or  the  strifes  of  gladiators ;  an  I  only  tf 
carry  a  bow  and  arrows  for  the  sake  of  honest  recreation  ;* — if  Mr 
Verdant  Green  had  known  that  he  had  covenanted  to  do  this,  he 
would,  perhaps,  have  feit  some  scruples  in  taking  the  oaths  of  ma« 
tribulation.  But  this  by  the  way. 

Now  that  Mr.  Green  iiad  seen  all  that  he  wished  to  see,  nothing 
remained  for  him  but  to  discharge  his  hotel  bill.  It  was  accord 
ingly  called  for,  and  produced  by  the  waiter,  whose  face — by  a 
visitation  of  that  complaint  against  which  vaccination  is  usually  con 
sidered  a  safeguard — had  been  reduced  to  a  state  resembling  the  in 
terior  half  of  a  sliced  muffin.  To  judge  from  the  expression  of  Mr. 
Green's  features  as  he  regarded  the  document  that  had  been  put  into 
his  hand,  it  is  probable  that  he  had  not  been  much  accustomed  to 
Oxford  hotels ;  for  he  ran  over  the  several  items  of  the  bill  with 
a  look  in  which  surprise  contended  with  indignation  for  the  mastery, 
while  the  muffin-faced  waiter  handled  his  plated  salver,  and  looked 
fixedly  at  nothing. 

Mr.  Green,  however,  refraining  from  observations,  paid  the  bill  ; 
and,  muffling  himself  m  greatcoat  and  travelling-cap,  he  prepared 
himself  to  take  a  comfortable  journey  back  to  Warwickshire,  inside 
the  Birmingham  and  Oxford  coach.  It  was  not  loaded  in  the  same 
way  that  it  had.  been  when  he  came  up  by  it,  and  his  fellow -pas 
sengers  were  of  a  very  different  description ;  and  it  must  be  confessed 
that,  in  the  absence  of  Mr.  Bouncer's  tin  horn,  the  attacks  of  intru- 
eive  terriers,  and  the  involuntary  fumigation  of  himself  with  tobacco 
(although  its  presence  was  still  perceptible  within  the  coach),  Mr. 
Green  found  his  journey  from  Oxford  much  more  agreeable  than  it 
had  been  to  that  place.  He  took  an  affectionate  farewell  of  his  son, 
somewhat  after  tho  manner  of  the  "  heavy  fathers"  of  the  stage;  and 
then  the  coach  bore  Mm  away  from  the  last  lingering  look  of  our 
hero,  who  felt  any  thing  but  heroic  at  being  left  for  the  first  time  in 
his  life  to  shift  for  himself. 

His  luggage  had  been  sent  up  to  Brazenface,  so  thither  he 
turned  his  steps,  and  with  some  little  difficulty  found  his  room. 
Mr.  Filcher  had  partly  unpacked  his  master's  things,  and  had  left 
everything  uncomfortable  and  in  "the  most  admired  disorder ;''  and 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  sat  himself  down  upon  the  "practicable"  window- 
seat,  and  resigned  himself  to  his  thoughts.  If  they  had  not  already 
flown  to  the  Manor  Green,  they  would  soon  have  been  carried  there ; 
tor  p.  German  band,  just  outside  the  college-gates,  began  to  play  "Home, 
i»weet  home,"  with  that  truth  and  delicacy  of  expression  which  th$ 

*  IHto,  tit.  xv.  "  De  moribua  conformandis." 


AN  OXFORD  FBESH3IAN. 


wandering  minstrels  of  Germany 
seem  to  acquire  intuitively.  The 
sweet  melancholy  of  the  simple 
air,  as  it  came  subdued  by  dis 
tance  into  softer  tones,  would 
have  powerfully  affected  most 
people  who  had  just  been  torn 
from  the  bosom  of  their  homes, 
to  fight,  all  inexperienced,  the 
battle  of  life ;  but  it  had  such 
an  effect  on  Mr.  Verdant  Green, 
that — but  it  little  matters  saying 
what  he  did ;  many  people  will 
give  way  to  feelings  in  private 
that  they  would  stifle  in  com 
pany  ;  and  if  Mr.  Filcher  on  his 
return  found  his  master  wiping 
his  spectacles,  why  that  was 
only  a  simple  proceeding  which 
all  glasses  frequently  require. 

To  divert  his  thoughts,  and  to  impress  upon  himself  and  others 
the  fact  that  he  was  an  Oxford  MAN,  our  freshman  set  out  for  a  stroll ; 
and  as  the  unaccustomed  feeling  of  the  gown  about  his  shoulders  made 
him  feel  somewhat  embarrassed  as  to 
the  carriage  of  his  arms,  he  stepped 
into  a  shop  on  the  way  and  purchased 
a  light  cane,  which  he  considered  would 
greatly  add  to  the  effect  of  the  cap 
and  gown.  Armed  with  this  weapon, 
he  proceeded  to  disport  himself  in  the 
Christ  Church  meadows,  and  prome 
naded  up  and  down  the  Broad  Walk. 

The  beautiful  meadows  lay  green 
and  bright  in  the  sun  ;  the  arching 
trees  threw  a  softened  light,  and  made  a 
chequered  pavement  of  the  great  Broad 
Walk ;  "  witch-elms  cfte?couriter-change 
the  floor"  of  the  gravel-walks  that 
wound  with  the  windings  of  the  Cher- 
well  ;  the  drooping  willows  were  mir 
rored  in  its  stream  ;  through  openings 
in  the  trees  there  were  glimpses  of 
grey  old  college-buildings ;  then  came 
the  walk  along  the  banks,  the  Isis 


44 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


shining  like  molten  silver,  and  fringed  around  with  barges  and  boats; 
then  another  stretch  of  green  meadows ;  then  a  cloud  of  steam  from 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  45 

the  railway-station ;  and  a  background  of  gently-rising  hills.  It  was 
a  cheerful  scene,  and  the  variety  of  figures  gave  life  and  animation 
to  the  whole. 

Young  Ir  dies  and  unprotected  females  were  found  in  abundance^ 
dressed  in  ail  the  engaging  variety  of  light  spring  dresses ;  and,  aa 
may  be  supposed,  our  hero  attracted  a  greal  deal  of  their  attention, 
and  afforded  them  no  small  amusement.  But  the  unusual  and  ter 
rific  appearance  of  a  spectacled  gownsman  with  a  cane  produced  the 
greatest  alarm  among  the  juveniles,  who  imagined  our  freshman  to 
be  a  new  description  of  beadle  or  Bogy,  summoned  up  by  the  exigen 
cies  of  the  times  to  preserve  a  rigorous  discipline  among  the  young 
people ;  and,  regarding  his  cane  as  the  symbol  of  his  stern  sway, 
they  harassed  their  nursemaids  by  unceasingly  charging  at  their 
petticoats  for  protection. 

Altogether,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  made  quite  a  sensation. 


CHAPTEB   VI. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  DINES,  BREAKFASTS,  AND  GOES  TO  CHAPEL. 

OUR  hero  cfc^ssed  himself  with  great  care,  that  he  might  make  his 
first  appearance  in  Hall  with  proper  eclat ;  and,  having  made  his 
way  towards  the  lantern-surmounted  building,  he  walked  up  the  steps 
and  under  the  groined  archway  with  a  crowd  of  hungry  undergradu 
ates  who  were  hurrying  in  to  dinner.  The  clatter  of  plates  would 
have  alone  been  sufficient  to  guide  his  steps ;  and,  passing  through 
one  of  the  doors  in  the  elaborately-carved  screen  that  shut  off  the 
passage  and  the  buttery,  be  found  himself  within  the  hail  of  Brazen- 
face.  It  was  of  noble  size,  lighted  by  lofty  windows,  and  carried  up 
to  a  great  height  by  an  open  roof,  dark  (save  where  it  opened  to  the 
lantern)  with  great  oak  beams,  and  rich  with  carved  pendants  and 
gilded  bosses.  The  ample  fire-places  displayed  the  capaciousness  of 
those  collegiate  mouths  of  "  the  wnrid-pipes  of  hospitality,"  and  gave 
an  idea  of  the  dimensions  of  the  kitchen-ranges.  In  the  centre  of 
the  hall  was  a  huge  plate-warmer,  elaborately  worked  in  brass  with 
the  college  arras.  Founders  and  benefactors  were  seen,  or  suggested, 
on  all  sides ;  their  arms  gleamed  from  the  windows  in  all  the  glories 
of  stained  glass ;  and  their  faces  peered  out  from  the  massive  gilt 
frames  on  the  walls,  as  though  t.  leir  shadows  loved  to  linger  about 
the  spot  that  had  been  benefited  sy  theii  substance.  A  the  further 


46         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

end  of  the  hall  a  deep  bay-window  threw  its  painted  light  iipoo  a 
dais,  along  which  stretched  the  table  for  the  Dons;  Masters  ai.d 
Bachelors  occupied  side-tables ;  and  the  other  tables  were  filled  up 
by  the  undergraduates  ;  every  one,  from  the  Don  downwards,  being 
in  his  gown. 

Our  hero  was  considerably  impressed  with  the  (to  him)  singular 
character  of  the  scene;  and  from  the  "  Benedictus  benedicat"  grace- 
before-meat  to  the  "  Benedicto  benedicamur"  after-meat,  he  gazed 
curiously  around  him  in  silent  wonderment.  So  much  indeed  was  he 
wrapped  up  in  the  novelty  of  the  scene,  that  he  ran  a  great  risk  oi 
losing  his  dinner.  The  scouts  fled  about  in  all  directions  with  plates, 
and  glasses,  and  pewter  dishes,  and  massive  silver  mugs  that  had 
gone  round  the  tables  for  the  last  two  centuries,  and  still  no  one 


waited  upon  Mr.  Verdant  Green.  He  twice  ventured  to  timidly  say, 
"  Waiter ! "  but  as  no  one  answered  to  his  call,  and  as  he  was  toe 
bashful  and  occupied  with  his  own  thoughts  to  make  another  attempt, 
it  is  probable  that  he  would  have  risen  from  dinner  as  unsatisfied  as 
when  he  sat  down,  had  not  his  right-hand  companion  (having  partly 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  47 

relieved  his  own  wants)  perceived  his  neighbour  to  be  a  freshman, 
and  kindly  said  to  him,  "  I  think  you'd  better  begin  your  dinner, 
because  we  don't  stay  here  long.  What  is  your  scout's  name?"  And 
when  he  had  been  told  it,  he  turned  to  Mr.  Filcher  and  asked  him, 
"  What  the  doose  he  meant  by  not  waiting  on  his  master?"  which, 
with  the  addition  of  a  few  gratuitous  threats,  had  the  effect  of  bring- 
ing  that  gentleman  to  his  master's  side,  and  reducing  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  to  a  state  of  mind  in  which  gratitude  to  Ins  companion  and  a 
desire  to  beg  his  scout's  pardon  were  confusedly  blended.  Not  seeing 
any  dishes  upon  the  table  to  select  from,  he  referred  to  the  list,  and 
fell  back  on  the  standard  roast-beef. 

"  I  am  sure  I  am  very  much  obliged  to  you,"  said  Verdant,  turn 
ing  to  his  friendly  neighbour.  "  My  rooms  are  next  to  yours,  and  I 
had  the  pleasure  of  being  driven  by  you  on  the  coach  the  other  day." 

"  Oh  !"  said  Mr.  Fosbrooke,  for  it  was  he ;  "  ah,  I  remember 
you  now !  I  suppose  the  old  bird  was  your  governor.  He  seemed 
to  think  it  any  thing  but  a  pleasure,  being  driven  by  Four-in-hand 
Fosbrooke." 

"  Why,  pap — my  father — is  rather  nervous  on  a  coach,"  replied 
Verdant :  "  he  was  bringing  me  to  college  for  the  first  time." 

"  Then  you  are  the  man  that  has  just  come  into  Smalls'  old 
rooms  ?  Oh,  I  see.  Don't  you  ever  drink  with  your  dinner  ?  If 
you  don't  holler  for  your  rascal,  he'll  never  half  wait  upon  you. 
Always  bully  them  well  at  first,  and  then  they  learn  manners." 

So,  by  way  of  commencing  the  bullying  system  without  loss  of 
time,  our  hero  called  out  very  fiercely  "  Robert !"  and  then,  as  Mr. 
Filcher  glided  to  his  side,  he  timidly  dropped  his  tone  into  a  mild 
"  Glass  of  water,  if  you  please,  Robert." 

He  felt  rather  relieved  when  dinner  was  over,  and  retired  at 
once  to  his  own  rooms ;  where  making  a  rather  quiet  and  sudden 
entrance,  he  found  them  tenanted  by  an  old  woman,  who  wore  a 
huge  bonnet  tilted  on  the  top  of  her  head,  and  was  busily  and  du 
biously  engaged  at  one  of  his  open  boxes.  "  Ahem  !"  he  coughed, 
at  which  note  of  warning  the  old  lady  jumped  round  very  quickly, 
and  said — dabbing  curtseys  where  there  were  stops,  like  the  beats 
of  a  conductor's  baton, — "  Law  bless  me,  sir.  It's  beggin  your 
parding  that  I  am.  Not  seein'  you  a  comin'  in.  Bein'  'ard  of  hearur* 
from  a  hinfant.  And  havin'  my  back  turned.  I  was  just  a  put  tin* 
your  things  to  rights,  sir.  If  you  please,  sir,  I'm  Mrs.  Tester 
Your  bedmaker,  sir." 

"  Oh,  thank  you,"  said  our  freshman,  with  the  shadow  of  a 
suspicion  that  Mrs.  Tester  was  doing  something  more  than  merely 
"  putting  to  rights"  the  pots  of  jam  and  marmalade,  and  the  pack- 
of  tea  and  coffee,  wkich  his  doting  mother  had  thoughtfully 


48         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

placed  in  his  box  as  a  provision  against  immediate  distress.  "  Thank 
you." 

"  I've  done  my  rooms,  sir,"  dabbed  Mrs.  Tester.  "  Which  U 
thought  agreeable,  I'd  stay  and  put  these  things  in  their  places. 
Which  it  certainly  is  Robert's  place.  But  I  never  minds  putting 
myself  out.  As  I  always  perpetually  am  minded.  So  long  as  I 
can  obleege  the  gentlemen." 

So,  as  our  hero  was  of  a  yielding  disposition,  and  could,  under 
skilful  hands,  easily  be  moulded  into  any  form,  he  allowed  Mrs. 
Tester  to  remain,  and  conclude  the  unpacking  and  putting  away  of 
his  goods,  in  which  operation  she  displayed  great  generalship. 

"  You've  a  deal  of  tea  and  coffee,  sir,"  she  said,  keeping  time 
by  curtseys.  "  Which  it's  a  great  blessin'  to  have  a  mother.  And 
not  to  be  left  dissolute  like  some  gentlemen.  And  tea  and  coffee  is 
what  I  mostly  lives  on.  And  mortial  dear  it  is  to  poor  folks.  And 
a  package,  the  likes  of  this,  sir,  were  a  blessin'  I  should  never  even 
dream  on." 

"  Well,  then,"  said  Verdant,  in  a  most  benevolent  mood,  "  yOu 
can  take  one  of  the  packages  for  your  trouble." 

Upon  this,  Mrs.  Tester  appeared  to  be  greatly  overcome. 
"  Which  I  once  had  a  son  "myself,"  she  said.  "  And  as  fine  a  young 
man  as  you  are,  sir.  With  a  strawberry  mark  in  the  small  of  his 
back.  And  beautiful  red  whiskers,  sir,  with  a  tendency  to  drink, 
Which  it  were  his  rewing,  and  took  him  to  be  enlisted  for  a  sojer. 
When  he  went  across  the  seas  to  the  West  Injies.  And  was  took 
with  the  yaller  fever,  and  buried  there.  Which  the  remembrance, 
sir,  brings  on  my  spazzums.  To  which  I'm  an  hafflicted  martyr,  sir. 
And  can  only  be  heased  with  three  spots  of  brandy  on  a  lump  of 
sugar.  Which  your  good  mother,  sir,  has  put  a  bottle  of  brandy. 
Along  with  the  jam  and  the  clean  linen,  sir.  As  though  a  purpose 
for  my  complaint.  Ugh !  oh !" 

And  Mrs.  Tester  forthwith  began  pressing  and  thumping  her 
sides  in  such  a  terrific  manner,  and  appeared  to  be  undergoing  such 
internal  agony,  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  not  only  gave  her  brandy 
there  and  then,  for  her  immediate  relief, — "  which  it  heases  the  spaz 
zums  deerectly,  bless  you,"  observed  Mrs.  Tester,  parenthetically, — 
but  also  told  her  where  she  could  find  Yhe  bottle,  in  case  she  should 
again  be  attacked  when  in  his  rooms ;  attacks  which,  it  is  needless 
to  say,  were  repeated  at  every  subsequent  visit.  Mrs.  Tester  then 
finished  putting  away  the  tea  and  coffee,  and  entered  into  further 
particulars  about  her  late  son ;  though  what  connection  there  was 
between  him  and  the  packages  of  tea,  our  hero  could  not  perceive. 
Nevertheless  he  was  much  interested  with  her  narrative,  and  thought 
Jlrs.  Tester  a  very  affectionate,  motherly  sort  of  woman  ;  more  ea* 


AN  OXFORD  EKESHMAN. 


49 


pecially,  when  (Robert  having  placed  his  tea-things  on  the  table)  she 
snowed  him  how  to  make  the  tea ;  an  apparently  simple  feat  that 
the  freshman  found  himself  perfectly  unable  to  accomplish.  And 
then  Mrs.  Tester  made  a  final  dab,  and  her  exit,  and  our  hero  sat 
over  his  tea  as  long  as  he  could,  because  it  gave  an  idea  of  cheerful 
ness  ;  and  then,  after  directing  Robert  to  be  sure  not  to  forget  to  cal] 
him  in  time  for  morning  chapel,  he  retired  to  bed. 

The  bed  was  very  hard,  and  so  small,  that,  had  it  not  been  for 
the  wall,  our  hero's  legs  would  have  been  visible  (literally)  at  the 
foot ;  but  despite  these  novelties,  he  sank  into  a  sound  rest,  which  at 
length  passed  into  the  following  dream.  He  thought  that  he  was 
back  again  at  dinner  at  the  Hanoi  Green,  but  that  the  room  was 
curiously  like  the  hall  of  Brazenface,  and  that  Mrs.  Tester  and  Dr. 
Portman  were  on  either  side  of  him,  with  Mr.  Fosbrooke  and  Robert 
talking  to  his  sisters ;  and  that  he  was  reaching  his  hand  to  help  Mrs. 
Tester  to  a  packet  of  tea,  which  her  son.  had  sent  them  from  the 
West  Indies,  when  he  threw  over  a  wax-light,  and  set  every  tiling 
on  fire ;  and  that  the  parish  engine  came  up ;  and  that  there  was  a 


great  noise,  and  a  loud  hammering ;  and,  "  Eh  ?  yes !  oh  !  the  half- 
hour  is  it  ?  Oh,  yes  !  thank  you  !"  And  Mr.  Verdant  Green  sprang 
out  of  bed  much  relieved  in  mind  to  find  that  the  alarm  of  fire  was 
nothing  more  than  his  scout  knocking  vigorously  at  his  door,  and 
that  it  was  chapel-time. 

"  Want  any  warm  water,  sir  ?"  asked  Mr.  Filcher,  putting  hit 
bead  in  at  the  door. 

3  *•*'• 


50         THE  ADVENTURES  OF,  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"  No,  thank  you,"  replied  our  hero ;  «« I— I—" 

"  Shave  with  cold.  Ah !  I  see,  sir.  It's  much  'ealthier,  and 
makes  the  'air  grow.  But  any  thing  as  you  does  want,  sir,  you've 
only  to  call." 

"  If  there  is  any  thing  that  I  want,  Robert,"  said  Verdant,  "  I 
will  ring." 

"  Bless  you,  sir,"  observed  Mr.  Filcher,  "  there  ain't  no  bells 
never  in  colleges !  They'd  be  rung  off  their  wires  in  no  time.  Mr. 
Bouncer,  sir,  he  uses  a  trumpet  like  they  does  on  board  ship.  By  the 
same  token,  that's  it,  sir !"  And  Mr.  Filcher  vanished  just  in  time 
to  prevent  little  Mr.  Bouncer  from  finishing  a  furious  solo,  from 
an  entirely  new  version  of  Robert  le  Diable,  which  he  was  giving 
with  novel  effects  through  the- medium  of  a  speaking-trumpet. 

Verdant  found  his  bed-room  inconveniently  small ;  so  contracted, 
indeed,  in  its  dimensions,  that  his  toilette  was  not  completed  without 


his  elbows  having  first  suffered  severe  abrasions.  His  mechanical 
turnip  showed  him  that  he  had  no  time  to  lose ;  and  the  furious  ring 
ing  of  a  bell,  whose  noise  was  echoed  by  the  bells  of  other  colleges, 
made  him  dress  with  a  rapidity  quite  unusual,  and  hurry  down  stair's 
and  across  quad,  to  the  chapel  steps,  up  which  a  throng  of  students 
were  hastening.  Nearly  all  betrayed  symptoms  of  having  been  aroused 
from  their  sleep  without  having  had  any  spare  time  for  an  elaborate 
toilette ;  and  many,  indeed,  were  completing  it,  by  thrusting  them 
selves  into  surplices  and  gowns  as  they  hurried  up  the  steps. 

Mr.  Fosbrooke  was  one  of  these;  and  when  he  saw  Verdant  close 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN. 


51 


to  him,  he  benevolently  recognised  him,  and  said,  "  Let  me  put  you 
up  to  a  wrinkle.  When  they  ring  you  up  sharp  for  chapel,  don't  you 
lose  any  time  ahout  your  absolutions, — washing,  you  know;  but  just 
jump  into  a  pair  of  bags  and  Wellingtons ;  clap  a  top-coat  on  you, 
and  button  it  up  to  the  chin,  and  there  you  are,  ready  dressed  in  the 
twinkling  of  a  bed-post." 

Before  Mr.  Verdant  Green  could  at  all  comprehend  why  a  person 
should  jump  into  two  bags,  instead  of  dressing  himself  in  the  normal 
manner,  they  went  through  the  ante-chapel,  or  "  Court  of  the  Gen 
tiles,"  as  Mr.  Fosbrooke  termed  it,  and  entered  the  choir  of  the 
chapel  through  a  screen  elaborately  decorated  in  the  Jacobean  style, 
with  pillars  and  arches,  and  festoons  of  fruit  and  flowers,  and  bells 


and  pomegranates.  On  either  side  of  the  door  were  two  men,  who 
quickly  glanced  at  each  one  who  passed,  and  as  quickly  pricked  a  mark 
against  his  name  on  the  chapel  lists.  As  the  freshman  went  by,  they 
made  a  careful  study  of  his  person,  and  took  mental  daguerreotypes  < 
his  features.  Seeing  no  beadle,  or  pew-opener  (or,  for  the  matter  of 
that,  any  pews),  or  any  one  to  direct  him  to  a  place,  Mr.  Verdant 


52 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


Green  quietly  took  a  seat  in  the  first  place  that  he  found  empty, 
which  happened  to  be  the  stall  on  the  right  hand  of  the  door.  Un 
conscious  of  the  trespass  he  was  committing,  he  at  once  put  his  cap  to 
his  face  and  knelt  down ;  but  he  had  no  sooner  risen  from  his  knees, 
than  he  found  an  imposing-looking  Don,  as  large  as  life  and  quite  as 
natural,  who  was  staring  at  him  with  the  greatest  astonishment,  and 
motioning  him  to  immediately  "  come  out  of  that !"  This  our  hero 
did  with  the  greatest  speed  and  confusion,  and  sank  breathless  on  the 
end  of  the  nearest  bench ;  when  just  as,  in  his  agitation,  he  had  again 
said  his  prayer,  the  service  fortunately  commenced,  and  somewhat 
relieved  him  of  his  embarrassment. 


Although  he  had  the  glories  of  Magdalen,  Merton,  and  New 
College  chapels  fresh  in  his  mind,  yet  Verdant  was  considerably 
impressed  with  the  solemn  beauties  of  his  own  college  chapel.  »He 
admired  its  harmonious  proportions,  and  the  elaborate  carving  of  its 
decorated  tracery.  He  noted  every  thing :  the  great  eagle  that  seemed 
to  be  spreading  its  wings  "for  an  upward  flight,— the  pavement  of 
black  and  white  marble,— the  dark  canopied  stalls,  rich  with  the 


AN  OXFOBD  FRESHMAN,  53 

later  work  of  Grinling  Gibbons,— the  elegant  tracery  of  the  innaows; 
and  he  lost  himself  in  a  solemn  reverie  as  he  looked  up  at  the  saintly 
forms  through  which  the  rays  of  the  morning  sun  streamed  in  rain 
bow  tints. 

But  the  lesson  had  just  begun ;  and  the  man  on  Verdant's  light 
appeared  to  be  attentively  following  it.  Our  freshman,  however,  could 
not  help  seeing  the  book,  and,  much  to  his  astonishment,  he  found 
it  to  be  a  Livy,  out  of  which  his  neighbour  was  getting  up  his  morn 
ing  s  lecture.  He  was  still  more  astonished,  when  the  lesson  had  come 
to  an  end,  by  being  suddenly  pulled  back  when  he  attempted  to  rise, 
and  finding  the  streamers  of  his  gown  had  been  put  to  a  use  never  in 
tended  fur  them,  by  being  tied  round  the  finial  of  the  stall  behind  him, 
— the  silly  work  of  a  boyish  gentleman,  who,  in  his  desire  to  play  ofl 
a  practical  joke  on  a  freshman,  forgot  the  sacredness  of  the  place  where 
college  rules  compelled  him  to  show  himself  on  morning  parade. 

Chapel  over,  our  hero  hurried  back  to  his  rooms,  and  there,  to  his 
great  joy,  found  a  budget  of  letters  from  home;  and  surely  the  little 


items  of  intelligence  that  made  up  the  news  of  the  Manor  Green  ha.i 
never  seemed  to  possess  such  interest  as  now !  The  reading  and  re- 
reading  of  these  occupied  him  during  the  whole  of  breakfast-time ; 
and  Mr.  Filcher  found  him  still  engaged  in  perasing  them  when  he 
came  to  clear  away  the  things.  Then  it  was  that  Verdant  discovered 


54 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GKEEN, 


the  extended  meaning  that  the  word  "  perquisites"  possesses  in  th€ 
eyes  of  a  scout ;  for,  tc  a  remark  that  he  had  made,  Robert  replied 
in  a  tone  of  surprise,  "  Put  away  these  bits  o'  things  as  is  left,  sir  !5J 
and  then  added,  with  an  air  of  mild  correction,  "  you  see,  sir,  you'-s 
fresh  to  the  place,  and  don't  know  that  gentlemen  never  likes  that 
sort  o'  thing  done  here,  sir ;  but  you  gets  your  commons,  sir,  fresh 
and  fresh  every  -morning  and  evening,  which  must  be  much  more 
agreeable  to  the  'ealth  than  a  heating  of  stale  bread  and  such  like. 
No,  sir !"  continued  Mr.  Filcher,  with  a  manner  that  was  truly 
parental,  "  no,  sir  !  you  trust  to  me,  sir,  and  I'll  take  care  of  your 


things,  I  will."  And  from  the  way  that  he  carried  off  the  eatables, 
it  seemed  probable  that  he  would  make  good  his  words.  But  our 
freshman  felt  considerable  awe  of  his  scout,  and  murmuring  broken 
accents  that  sounded  like  "  ignorance  —  customs — University,"  he  en 
deavoured,  by  a  liberal  use  of  his  pocket-handkerchief,  to  appear  as 
if  he  were  not  blushing. 

As  Mr.  Slowcoach  had  told  him  that  he  would  not  have  to  begin 
lectures  until  the  following  day,  and  as  the  Greek  play  fixed  for  the 
lecture  was  one  with  which  he  had  been  made  well  acquainted  by 
Mr.  Larkyns,  Verdant  began  to  consider  what  he  could  do  with  him 
self;  when  the  thought  of  Mr.  Larkyns  suggested  the  idea  that  hi* 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  &5 

Bon  Charles  had  probably  by  this  time  returned  to  college.  He  de 
termined  therefore  at  once  to  go  in  search  of  him;  and  looking  oita 
letter  which  the  rector  had  commissioned  him  to  deliver  to  his  son, 
he  inquired  of  Robert,  if  he  was  aware  whether  Mr.  Charles  Larkyna 
had  come  back  from  his  holidays. 

"  'Ollidays,  sir  ?"  said  Mr.  Filcher.  "  Oh !  I  see,  sir !  Vaca 
tion,  you  mean,  sir.  Young  gentlemen  as  is  men,  sir,  likes  to  call 
their  'ollidays  by  a  different  name  to  boys,  sir.  Yes,  sir,  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns,  he  come  up  last  arternoon,  sir ;  but  he  and  Mr.  Smalls,  the 
gent  as  he's  been  down  with  this  vacation,  the  same  as  had  these 
rooms,  sir,  they  didn't  come  to  'All,  sir,  but  went  and  had  their 
dinners  comfortable  at  the  Star,  sir ;  and  very  pleasant  they  made 
theirselves  ;  and  Thomas,  their  scout,  sir,  has  had  quite  a  horder 
for  sober-water  this  morning,  sir." 

With  somewhat  of  a  feeling  of  wonder  how  one  scout  contrived  to 
know  so  much  of  the  proceedings  of  gentlemen  who  were  waited  on 
by  another  scout,  and  wholly  ignorant  of  his  allusion  to  his  fellow- 
servants'  dealings  in  soda-water,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  inquired  where 
he  could  find  Mr.  Larkyns ;  and  as  the  rooms  were  but  just  on  the 
other  side  of  the  quad.,  he  put  on  his  hat,  and  made  his  way  to  them. 
The  scout  was  just  going  into  the  room,  so  our  hero  gave  a  tap  at 
the  door  and  followed  him. 


CHAPTER  Vn. 

ME.  VERDANT   GREEN  CALLS   ON  A  GENTLEMAN  WHO    "  IS  LICENSED 
TO  SELL." 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  found  himself  in  a  room  that  had  a  pleasant 
look-out  over  the  gardens  of  Brazenface,  from  which  a  noble  chestnut 
tree  brought  its  pyramids  of  bloom  close  up  to  the  very  windows. 
The  walls  of  the  room  were  decorated  with  engravings  in  gilt  frames, 
their  variety  of  subject  denoting  the  catholic  taste  of  their  proprietor. 
"  The  start  for  the  Derby,"  and  other  coloured  hunting  prints,  showed 
his  taste  for  the  field  and  horse-flesh ;  Landseer's  "  Distinguished 
Member  of  the  Humane  Society,"  "  Dignity  and  Impudence,"  and 
others,  displayed  his  fondness  for  dog-flesh ;  while  Byron  beauties. 
"  Amy  Robsart,"  'and  some  extremely  au  naturel  pets  of  the  ballet, 
proclaimed  his  passion  for  the  fair  sex  in  general.  Over  the  fire 
place  was  a  mirror  (for  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  was  not  averse  to  the 
reflection  of  his  good-looking  features,  and  was  rather  glad  than 
otherwise  of  "an  excuse  for  the  glass"),  its  frame  stuck  full  cf 


5G  THE     JDVENTUBES  OF  MB.  VEKDANT  GREEN, 

tradesmen's  cards  and  (unpaid)  bills,  invites,  "  bits  of  pasteboard" 
pencilled  with  a  mystic  "  wine,"  and  other  odds  and  ends : — no  private 
letters  though !  Mr.  Larkyns  was  too  wary  to  leave  his  "  family 
secrets"  for  the  delectation  of  his  scout.  Over  the  mirror  was  dis 
played  a  fox's  mask,  gazing  vacantly  from  between  two  brushes ; 
leaving  the  spectator  to  imagine  that  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  was  a 
second  Nimrod,  and  had  in  some  way  or  other  been  intimately  con« 
'cerned  in  the  capture  of  these  trophies  of  the  chase.  This  supposition 
of  the  imaginative  spectator  would  be  strengthened  by  the  appearance 
of  a  list  of  hunting  appointments  (of  the  past  season)  pinned  up  over 
a  list  of  lectures,  and  not  quite  in  character  with  the  tabular  views 
of  prophecies,  kings  of  Israel  and  Judah,  and  the  Thirty-nine  Articles, 
which  did  duty  elsewhere  on  the  wails,  where  they  were  presumed 
to  be  studied  in  spare  minutes — which  were  remarkably  spare  in 
deed. 

The  sporting  character  of  the  proprietor  of  the  rooms  was  further 
suggested  by  the  huge  pair  of  antlers  over  the  door,  bearing  on  their 
tines  a  collection  of  sticks,  whips,  and  spurs ;  while  to  prove  that 
Mr.  Larkyns  was  not  wholly  taken  up  by  the  charms  of  the  chase, 
fishing-rods,  tandem-whips,  cricket-bats,  and  Joe  Mantons,  were  piled 
ftp  in  odd  corners ;  and  single-sticks,  boxing-gloves,  and  foils,  grace 
fully  arranged  upon  the  walls,  showed  that  he  occasionally  devoted 
himself  to  athletic  pursuits.  An  ingenious  wire-rack  for  pipes  and 
meerschaums,  and  the  presence  of  one  or  two  suspicious-looking 
ooxes,  labelled  '  collorados,'  '  regalia,'  '  lukotilla,'  and  with  other  un 
known  words,  seemed  to  intimate,  that  if  Mr.  Larkyns  was  no  smoker 
himself,  he  at  least  kept  a  bountiful  supply  of  '  smoke'  for  his  friends ; 
but  the  perfumed  cloud  that  was  proceeding  from  his  lips  as  Verdant 
entered  the  room,  dispelled  all  doubts  on  the  subject. 

He  was  much  changed  in  appearance  during  the  somewhat  long 
interval  since  Verdant  had  last  seen  him,  and  his  handsome  features  had 
assumed  a  more  manly,  though  perhaps  a  more  rakish  look.  He  was 
lolling  on  a  couch  in  the  neglige  attire  of  dressing-gown  and  slippers, 
with  his  pink  striped  shirt  comfortably  open  at  the  neck.  Lounging 
in  an  easy  chair  opposite  to  him  was  a  gentleman  clad  in  tartan-plaid, 
whose  face  niight  only  be  partially  discerned  through  the  glass  bottom 
of  a  pewter,  out  of  which  he  was  draining  the  last  draught.  Between 
them  was  a  table  covered  with  the  ordinary  appointments,  for  a  break 
fast,  and  the  extra-ordinary  ones  of  beer-cup  and  soda-water.  Two 
Skye  terriers,  hearing  a  strange  footstep,  immediately  barked  out  a 
challenge  of  "  Who  goes  there  ?"  and  made  Mr.  Larkyns  aware  that 
an  intruder  was  at  hand. 

Slightly  turning  his  head,  he  dimly  saw  through  the  smoke  a 
spectacled  figure  taking  off  his  hat,  and  holding  out  an  envelope ;  and 


AK  OXFORD  FRESHMAN. 


57 


without  looking  further,  he  said,  "  It's  no  use  coming  here,  young 
man,  and  stealing  a  march  in  this  way !  I  don't  owe  you  any  thing: 
and  if  I  did,  it  is  not  convenient  to  pay  it.  I  told  Spavin  not  to  send 
me  any  more  of  his  confounded  reminders ;  so  go  back  and  ^-ell  him 
that  he'll  find  it  aU  right  in  the  long-run,  and  that  I'm  really  going 
to  read  this  term,  and  shall  stump  the  examiners  at  last.  And  now, 
my  friend,  you'd  better  make  yourself  scarce  and  vanish  1  You  know 
where  the  door  lies !" 


Our  hero  was  so  confounded  at  this  unusual  manner  of  receiving 
a  friend,  that  he  was  some  little  time*  before  he  could  gasp  out,  "  Why, 
Charles  Larkyns — don't  you  remember  me  7  Verdant  Green !" 

Mr.  Larkyns,  astonished  in  his  turn,  jumped  up  directly,  and 
came  to  him  with  outstretched  hands.  "  Ton  my  word,  old  fellow," 
he  said,  "  I  really  beg  you  ten  thousand  pardons  for  not  recognising 
you ;  but  you  are  so  altered — allow  me  to  add,  improved, — since  I 
last  saw  you ;  you  were  not  a  bashaw  of  two  tails,  then,  you  know ; 
and.  really,  wearing  your  beaver  up,  like  Hamlet's  uncle,  I  altogether 
took  you  for  a  dun.  For  I  am  a  victim  of  a  very  remarkable  mono 
mania.  There  are  in  this  place  wretched  beings  calling  themselves 
tradesmen,  who  labour  under  the  impression  that  I  owe  them  what 

3* 


58         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

they  facetiously  term  little  bills ;  and  though  I  have  frequently  assured 
their  messengers,  who  are  kind  enough  to  come  here  to  inquire  for 
Mr.  Larkyns,  that  that  unfortunate  gentleman  has  been  obliged  to 
hide  himself  from  persecution  in  a  convent  abroad,  yet  the  wretches 
still  hammer  at  my  oak,  and  disturb  my  peace  of  mind.  But  bring 
yourself  to  an  anchor,  old  fellow !  This  man  is  Smalls  ;  a  capital 
fellow,  whose  chief  merit  consists  in  his  devotion  to  literature ;  in 
deed,  he  reads  so  hard  that  he  is  called  a.  fast  man.  Smalls  !  let  me 
introduce  my  friend  Verdant  Green,  a  freshman, — ahem  ! — and  the 
proprietor,  I  believe,  of  your  old  rooms." 

Our  hero  made  a  profound  bow  to  Mr.  Smalls,  who  returned  it 
with  great  gravity,  and  said  he  "  had  great  pleasure  in  forming  the 
acquaintance  of  a  freshman  like  Mr.  Verdant  Green ;"  which  was  doubt 
less  quite  true ;  and  he  then  evinced  his  devotion  to  literature  by  con 
tinuing  the  perusal  of  one  of  those  vivid  and  refined  accounts  of  "  a 
rattling  set-to  between  Nobby  Buffer  and  Hammer  Sykes,"  for  which 
Tintinnabulurri  s  Life  is  so  justly  famous. 

"  I  heard  from  my  governor,"  said  Mr.  Larkyns,  "  that  you  were 
coming  up ;  and  in  the  course  of  the  morning  I  should  have  come 
and  looked  you  up  ;  but  the — the  fatigues  of  travelling  yesterday," 
continued  Mr.  Larkyns,  as  a  lively  recollection  of  the  preceding 
evening's  symposium  stole  over  his  mind,  "  made  me  rather  later 
than  usual  this  morning.  Have  you  done  any  thing  in  this  way  ?" 

Verdant  replied  that  he  had  breakfasted,  although  he  had  not 
done  any  thing  in  the  way  of  cigars,  because  he  never  smoked. 

"  Never  smokad !  Is  it  possible  !"  exclaimed  Mr.  Smalls,  violently 
interrupting  himself  in  the  perusal  of  Tintinnabuluiri  s  Life,  while 
some  private  signals  were  rapidly  telegraphed  between  him  and  Mr. 
Larkyns ;  "  ah !  you'll  soon  get  the  better  of  that  weakness !  Now, 
as  you're  a  freshman,  you'll  perhaps  allow  me  to  give  you  a  little 
advice.  The  Germans,  you  know,  would  never  be  the  deep  readers 
that  they  are,  unless  they  smoked;  and  I  should  advise  you  to  go  to 
the  Vice-Chancellor  as  soon  as  possible,  and  ask  him  for  an  order  for 
some  weeds.  He'd  be  delighted  to  think  you  are  beginning  to  set 
to  work  so  soon !"  To  which  our  hero  replied,  that  he  was  much 
obliged  to  Mr.  Smalls  for  his  kind  advice,  and  if  such  were  the  cus 
toms  of  the  place,  he  should  do  his  best  to  fulfil  them. 

"  Perhaps  you'll  be  surprised  at  our  simple  repast,  Verdant,"  said 
Mr.  Larkyns  ;  "  but  it's  our  misfortune.  It  all  comes  of  hard  reading 
and  late  hours :  the  midnight  oil,  you  know,  must  be  supplied,  and  will 
be  paid  for;  the  nervous  system  gets  strained  to  excess,  and  you 
have  to  call  in  the  doctor.  Well,  what  does  he  do  ?  Why,  he  pre 
scribes  a  regular  course  of  tomes  ;  and  I  flatter  myself  that  I  am  a 
Very  docile  patient,  and  take  xny  bitter  beer  regularly,  and  without 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  59 

complaining."     In  proof  of  which  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  took  a  lone 
pull  at  the  pewter. 

"  But  you  know,  Larkyns,"  observed  Mr.  Smalls,  "  that  was 
nothing  to  my  case,  when  I  got  laid  up  with  elephantiasis  on  the 
biceps  of  the  lungs,  and  had  a  fur  coat  in  my  stomach !" 


"  Dear  me  !"  said  Verdant  sympathisingly ;  "  and  was  that  also 
through  too  much  study?" 

"  Why,  of  course  !"  replied  Mr.  Smalls  ;  "  it  couldn't  have  been 
any  tiling  else — from  the  symptoms,  you  know !  But  then  the  sweets 
of  learning  surpass  the  bitters.  Talk  of  the  pleasures  of  the  dea-d 
languages,  indeed  !  why,  how  many  jolly  nights  have  you  and  I, 
Larkyns,  passed  'down  among  the  dead  men!'" 

Charles  Larkyns  had  just  been  looking  over  the  letter  which 
Verdant  had  brought  him,  and  said,  "  The  governor  writes  that  you'd 
like  me  to  put  you  up  to  the  ways  of  the  place,  because  they  are  fresh 
to  you,  and  you  are  fresh  (ahem !  very  !)  to  them.  Now,  I  am  going 


60 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR. VERDANT  GREEN, 


to  wine  with  Smalls  to-night,  to  meet  a  few  nice,  quiet,  hard-working 
men  (eh,  Smalls  ?).  and  I  daresay  Smalls  will  do  the  civil,  and  ask 
you  also." 

"  Certainly !"  said  Mr.  Smalls,  who  saw  a  prospect  of  amusement ; 
"  delighted,  I  assure  you  !  I  hope  to  see  you — after  Hall,  you  know, 
—but  I  hope  you  don't  object  to  a  very  quiet  party  ?" 

"  Oh,  dear  no !"  replied  Verdant ;  "  I  much  prefer  a  quiet  party ; 
indeed,  I  have  always  been  used  to  quiet  parties  j  and  I  shall  be  very 
glad  to  come." 

"  Well,  that's  settled  then,"  said  Charles  Larkyns ;  "  and,  in  the 
mean  time,  Verdant,  let  us  take  a  prowl  about  the  old  place,  and  I'll 
put  you  up  to  a  tiling  or  two,  and  show  you  some  of  the  freshman's 
sights.  But  you  must  go  and  get  your  cap  and  gown,  old  fellow,  and 
then  by  that  time  I'll  be  ready  for  you." 

Whether  there  are  really  any  sights  in  Oxford  that  are  more 
especially  devoted,  or  adapted,  to  its  freshmen,  we  will  not  undertake 
to  affirm ;  but  if  there  are,  they  could  not  have  had  a  better  expositor 
than  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns,  or  a  more  credible  visitor  than  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green. 

His  credibility  was  rather  strongly  put  to  the  test  as  they  turned 
into  the  High  Street,  when  his  companion  di 
rected  his  attention  to  an  individual  on  the  op 
posite  side  of  the  street,  with  a  voluminous 
gown,  and  enormous  cocked  hat  profusely 
adorned  with  gold  lace.  "  I  suppose  you 
know  who  that  is,  Verdant  ?  No  !  Why, 
that's  the  Bishop  of  Oxford !  Ah,  I  see, 
he's  a  very  different-looking  man  to  what 
you  had  expected ;  but  then  these  univer 
sity  robes  so  change  the  appearance.  That 
is  his  official  dress,  as  the  Visitor  of  the 
Ashmolean !" 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  having  "  swallowed" 
this,  his  friend  was  thereby  enabled,  not 
only  to  use  up  old  "  sells,"  but  also  to 
draw  largely  on  his  invention  for  new  ones. 
Just  then,  there  came  along  the  street,  walk 
ing  in  a  sort  of  young  procession, — the  Vic<3- 
Chancellor,  with  his  Esquire-  and  Yeoman-bedels.  The  silver  maces, 
carried  by  these  latter  gentlemen,  made  them  by  far  the  most  show)* 
part  of  the  procession,  and  accordingly  Mr.  Larkyns  seized  the  favour 
able  opportunity  to  point  out  the  foremost  bedel,  and  say,  "  You  se<i 
that  man  with  the  poker  and  loose  cap  ?  Well,  that's  the  Vice- 
Chancellor," 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN. 


61 


"  But  what  does  he  walk  in  procession  for?" 
inquired  our  freshman. 

"  Ah,  poor  man !"  said  Mr.  Larkyns,  "  he's 
obliged  to  do  it.  •  '  Uneasy  lies  the  head  that 
wears  a  crown,'  you  know ;  and  he  can  never 
go  any  where*  or  do  any  thing,  without  carrying 
that  poker,  and  having  the  other  minor  pokers 
to  follow  him.  They  never  leave  him,  not  even 
at  night.  Two  of  the  pokers  stand  on  each  side 
his  bed,  and  relieve  each  other  every  two  hours. 
So,  I  need  hardly  say,  that  he  is  obliged  to  be 
a  bachelor." 

"  It  must  be  a  very  wearisome  office,"  re 
marked  our  freshman,  who  fully  believed  all  that 
was  told  to  him. 

"  Wearisome,  indeed ;  and  that's  the  reason 
why  they  are  obliged  to  change  the  Vice-Chan 
cellors  so  often.  It  would  kill  most  people,  only  they  are  always 
selected  for  their  strength, — and  height,"  he  added,  as  a  brilliant 
idea  just  struck  him.  They 
had  turned  down  Magpie  •== 
Lane,  and  so  by  Oriel  Col 
lege,  where  one  of  the  fire 
plug  notices  had  caught  Mr. 
Larkyns'  eye.  "  You  see 
that,"  he  said;  "well,  that's 
one  of  the  plates  they  put 
up  to  record  the  Vice's  height. 
F.  P.  7  feet,  you  see :  the 
initials  of  his  name, —  Fre 
derick  Plumptre !" 

"  He  scarcely  seemed  so 
tall  as  that,''  said  our  hero, 
"though  certainly  a  tall  man. 
But  the  gown  makes  a  Jiifer- 
ence,  1  suppose." 

"  His  height  was  a  very 
lucky  thing  for  him,  however,"  continued  Mr.  Larkyns.  "I  dare  say 
when  you  have  heard  that  it  was  only  those  who  stood  high  in  the 
University  that  were  elected  to  rule  it,  you  little  thought  of  the 
true  meaning  of  the  term  ?" 

"  I  certainly  never  did,"  said  the  freshman,  innocently;  "  but  J 
knew  that  the  customs  of  Oxford  must  of  course  be  very  differed 
from  those  of  other  places.1' 


82 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


"  YTes  you'll  soon  fiiid  that  out,"  replied  Mr.  Larkyns,  mean 
ingly.  "  But  here  we  are  at  Merton,  whose  Merton  ale  is  us  cele 
brated  as  Burton  ale.  You  see  the  man  giving  in  the  letters  to  the 

porter?  Well,  he's  one  of 
their  principal  men.  Each 

i    »  liv^ggsasgSSSffim    1  '  colle£e  does  its  own  P°stal 

department ;  and  at  Merton 

there  are  fourteen  postmas 
ters,*  for  they  get  no  end  of 
letters  there." 

"  Oh,  yes !"  said  our  hero, 
"  I  remember  Mr.  Larkyns, 
— your  father,  the  rector,  I 
mean, — telling  us  that  the 
son  of  one  of  his  old  friends 
had  been  a  postmaster  of 
Merton;  but  I  fancied  that 
he  had  said  it  had  something  to  do  with  a  scholarship." 

"  Ah,  you  see,  it's  a  long  while  since  the  governor  was  here, 
and  his  memory  fails  him,"  remarked  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns,  very  un- 
filially.  "  Let  us  turn  down  the  Merton  fields,  and  round  into  St. 
Aidate's.  We  may  perhaps  be,in  time  to  see  the  Vice  come  down  to 
ohrist  Church." 

"  What  does  he  go  there  for?"  asked  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 
"  To  wind  up  the  great  clock,  and  put  big  Tom  in  order.     Tom 
B  the  bell  that  you  hear  at  nine  each  night ;  the  Vice  has  to  see  that 
he  is  in  proper  condition,  and,  as  you  have  seen,  goes  out  with  his 
pokers  for  that  purpose." 

On  their  way,  Charles  Larkyns  pointed  out,  close  to  Folly  Bridge, 
a  house  profusely  decorated  with  figures  and  indescribable  ornaments, 
which  he  informed  our  freshman  was  Blackfriars'  Hall,  where  all  the 
men  who  had  been  once  plucked  were  obliged  to  migrate  to ;  and 
that  Folly  Bridge  received  its  name  from  its  propinquity  to  the  Hall. 
They  were  too  late  to  see  the  Vice-Chancellor  wind  up  the  clock  of 
Christ  Church ;  but  as  they  passed  by  the  college,  they  met  two 
gownsmen  who  recognised  Mr.  Larkyns  by  a  slight  nod.  "  Those  are 
two  Christ  Church  men,"  he  said,  "  and  noblemen.  The  one  with 
the  Skye-terrier's  coat  and  eye-glass  is  the  Earl  of  Whitechapel,  the 
Duke  of  Minories'  son.  I  dare  say  you  know  the  other  man.  No  ! 
Why,  he  is  Lord  Thomas  Peeper,  eldest  son  of  the  Lord  Godiva  who 
Hunts  our  county.  I  knew  him  in  the  field." 

"  But  why  do  they  wear  gold  tassels  to  their  caps  ?"  inquired  thd 
freshman. 

*  Exhibitioners  of  Merton  College  are  called  "  postmastera." 


AN  OXFOUD  FBESHMAN. 


**  Ah,"  said  the  ingenious  Mr.  Larkyns,  shaking  his  lv.al;  "  I 
,n  rather  you'd  not  have  asked  me  that  question,  because  that's  tl« 


disgraceful  part  of  the  business.  But  these  lords,  you  see,  they  wiH 
live  at  a  faster  pace  than  us  commoners,  who  can't  stand  a  cham 
pagne  breakfast  above  once  a  term  or  so.  Why,  those  gold  tassels 
are  the  badges  of  drunkenness  !"* 

"  Of  drunkenness  !  dear  me !" 

"  Yes,  it's  very  sad,  isn't  it  ?"  pursued  Mr.  Larkyns ;  "  and  I  won 
der  that  Peeper  in  particular  should  give  way  to  such  things.  But 
you  see  how  they  brazen  it  out,  and  walk  about  as  coolly  as  though 
nothing  had  happened.  It's  just  the  same  sort  of  punishment," 
continued  Mr.  Larkyns,  whose  inventive  powers  increased  with  the 
demand  that  the  freshman's  gullibility  imposed  upon  them, — "  it  is  just 
the  same  sort  of  thing  that  they  do  with  the  Greenwich  pensioners. 
When  they  have  been  transgressing  the  laws  of  sobriety,  you  know, 
they  are  made  marked  men  by  having  to  wear  a  yellow  coat  as  a 
punishment ;  and  our  dons  borrowed  the  idea,  and  made  yellow  tassels 
the  badges  of  intoxication.  But  for  the  credit  of  the  University,  I'm 
glad  to  say  that  you'll  not  find  many  men  so  disgraced." 

They  now  turned  down  the  New  Road,  and  came  to  a  strongly 
castellated  building,  which  Mr.  Larkyns  pointed  out  (and  truly)  as 
Oxford  Castle  or  the  Gaol ;  and  he  added  (untruly),  "  if  you  hear 
Botany-Bay  Collegef  spoken  of,  this  is  the  place  that's  meant.  It's 
a  delicate  way  of  referring  to  the  temporary  sojourn  that  any  under- 
grad  has  been  forced  to  make  there,  to  say  that  he  belongs  to  Botany- 
Bay  College." 

They  now  turned  back,  up  Queen  Street  and  High  Street,  when, 
as  they  were  passing  All  Saints,  Mr.  Larkyns  pointed  out  a  pale,  in 
tellectual  looking  man  who  passed  them,  and  said,  "  That  man  is 
Cram,  the  patent  safety.'  He's  the  first  coach  in  Oxford." 

"  A  coach  !"  said  our  freshman,  in  some  wonder. 

"  Oh,  I  forgot  you  didn't  know  college-slang.     I  suppose  a  royal 

*  As  "Tufts"  and  "Toft-hunters"  have  beoome  "household  words,"  it  is 
perhaps  needless  to  toll  any  one  that  the  gold  tnssel  is  the  distinguishing  mark 
of  a  nobleman. 

jt  A  name  given  to  \Vorooster  College,  from  its  being  the  most  distanl 
college. 


64         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

mail  is  the  only  gentleman  coach  that  you  know  of.  Why,  in  Oxfc  rd,, 
a  coach  means  a  private  tutor,  you  must  know ;  and  those  who  can't 
afford  a  coach,  get  a  cab — alias  a  crib, — alias  a  translation.  \ou 
see,  Verdant,  you  are  gradually  being  initiated  into  Oxford  mysteries." 
"  1  am,  indeed,"  said  our  hero,  to  whom  a  new  world  was  open 
ing. 

They  had  now  turned  round  by  the  west  end  of  St.  Mary's,  and 
were  passing  Brasenose  ;  and  Mr.  Larkyns  drew  Verdant"  s  attention 
to  the  brazen  nose  that  is  such  a  conspicuous  object  over  the  entrance- 
gate.  "  That,"  said  he,  "  was 
modelled  from  a  cast  of  the 
Principal  feature  of  the  fh-st 
Head  of  the  college ;  and  so 
the  college  was  named  Bra 
zen-nose.*  The  nose  was  formerly  used  as  a  place  of  punishment 
for  any  misbehaving  Brazennosian,  who  had  to  sit  upon  it  for  two 
hours,  and  was  not  countenanced  until  he  had  done  so.  These  pun 
ishments  were  so  frequent  that  they  gradually  wore  down  the  nose 
to  its  present  small  dimensions. 

"  This  round  building,"  continued  Mr.  Larkyns,  pointing  to  the 

*  Although  we  have  a  great  respect  for  Mr.  Larkyns,  yet  we  strongly  sus 
pect  that  he  is  intentionally  deceiving  his  friend.  He  has,  however,  the  benefit 
of  a  doubt,  as  the  authorities  differ  on  the  origin  and  meaning  of  the  word 
Brasenose,  as  may  be  seen  by  the  following  notices,  to  the  last  two  of  which 
the  editor  of  Notes  and  Queries  has  directed  our  attention  : 

"  This  curious  appellation,  which,  whatever  was  the  origin  of  it,  has  been 
perpetuated  by  the  symbol  of  a  brazen  nose  here  and  at  Stamford,  occurs  with 
the  modern  orthography,  but  in  one  undivided  word,  so  early  as  1278,  in  an 
inquisition  now  printed  in  The  Hundred  Rolls,  though  quoted  by  Wood  from 
the  manuscript  record." — Ingram' s  Memorials  of  Oxford. 

"  There  is  a  spot  in  the  centre  of  the  city  where  Alfred  is  said  to  have 
lived,  and  which  may  be  called  the  native  place  or  river-head  of  three  separate 
societies  still  existing,  University,  Oriel,  and  Brasenose.  Brasenose  claims  his 
palace,  Oriel  his  church,  and  University  his  school  or  academy.  Of  these, 
Brasenose  College  is  still  called  in  its  formal  style  'the  King's  Hall,'  which  ia 
the  name  by  which  Alfred  himself,  in  his  laws,  calls  his  palace  ;  and  it  has  its 
present  singular  name  from  a  corruption  of  brasinium,  orbraxin-huse,  as  having 
been  originally  located  in  that  part  of  the  royal  mansion  which  was  devoted  to 
the  then  important  accommodation  of  a  brew-house."  —  From  a  Review  oj 
Inyranis  Memorials  in  tke  hritisk  Critic,  vol.  xxiv.  p.  139. 

"  Brasen  Nose  Hall,  as  the  Oxford  antiquary  has  shown,  may  be  traced  as 
far  back  as  the  time  of  Henry  III.,  about  the  middle  of  the  thirteenth  century; 
and  earlv  in  the  succeeding  reiirn,  6th  Edward  I.,  1278,  it  was  known  by  the 
name  of  Brasen  Nose  Hall,  which  peculiar  name  was  undoubtedly  owing,  aa 
the  same  author  observes,  to  the  circumstance  of  a  nose  of  brass  affixed  to  the 
gate.  It  is  presumed,  however,  that  this  conspicuous  appendage  of  the  portal 
was  not  formed  of  the  mixed  metal  which  the  word  now  denotes,  but  the  ge 
nuine  produce  of  the  mine  ;  as  is  the  nose,  or  rather  face,  of  a  lion  or  leopard 
still  remaining  at  Stamford  which  also  gave  name  to  the  edifice  it  adorned. 
And  hence,  when  Henry  VIII.  debased  the  coin  by  an  alloy  of  copper,  it  was  a 
common  remark  or  proverb,  that  '  Testons  were  gone  to  Oxford,  to  atudy  ir 
Bra»en  Nose.'  "— Ckurton's  Life  of  Bislwp  Smyth,  p.  227. 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  ftj 

Radcliffe,  "  is  the  Vice-Chancellor's  house.  He  has  to  go  each 
night  up  to  that  balcony  on  the  top,  and  look  round  to  see  if  all's 
safe.  Those  heads,"  he  said,  as  they  passed  the  Ashmolean,  "  are 
supposed  to  be  the  twelve  Caesars ;  only  there  happen,  I  believe,  to 
be  thirteen  of  them.  I  think  that  they  are  the  busts  of  the  original 
Heads  of  Houses." 

Mr.  Larkyns'  inventive  powers  having  been  now  somewhat 
exhausted,  he  proposed  that  they  should  go  back  to  Brazenface  and 
have  some  lunch.  This  they  did  ;  after  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
wrote  to  his  mother  a  long  account  of  his  friend's  kindness,  and  the 
trouble  he  had  taken  to  explain  the  most  interesting  sights  that  could 
be  seen  by  a  Freshman. 

"  Are  you  writing  to  your  governor,  Verdant  ?"  asked  the  friend, 
who  had  made  his  way  to  our  hero's  rooms,  and  was  now  perfuming 
them  with  a  little  tobacco-smoke. 

"  No  ;  I  am  writing  to  my  mama — mother,  I  mean !" 

"  Oh!  to  the  missis !"  was  the  reply;  "  that's  just  the  same. 
Well,  had  you  not  better  take  the  opportunity  to  ask  them  to  send 
you  a  proper  certificate  that  you  have  been  vaccinated,  and  had  the 
measles  favourably  ?" 

"  But  what  is  that  for  ?"  inquired  our  Freshman,  always  anx 
ious  to  learn.  "  Your  father  sent  up  the  certificate  of  my  baptism, 
and  I  thought  that  was  the  only  one  wanted." 

"  Oh,"  said  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns,  "  they  give  you  no  end  of 
trouble  at  these  places  ;  and  they  require  the  vaccination  certificate 
before  you  go  in  for  your  responsions, — the  Little-go,  you  know. 
You  need  not  mention  my  name  in  your  letter  as  having  told  you 
this.  It  will  be  quite  enough  to  say  that  you  understand  such  a 
thing  is  required." 

Verdant  accordingly  penned  the  request ;  and  Charles  Larkyns 
smoked  on,  and  thought  his  friend  the  very  beau-ideal  of  a  Fresh 
man.  "  By  the  way,  Verdant,"  he  said,  desirous  not  to  lose  any 
opportunity,  "  you  are  going  to  wine  with  Smalls  this  evening ;  and, 
— excuse  me  mentioning  it, — but  I  suppose  you  would  go  properly 
dressed, — white  tie,  kids,  and  that  sort  of  thing,  eh  ?  Well  J  ta,  ta, 
till  then.  '  \\  e  meet  again  at  Philippi !'  " 

Acting  upon  the  hint  thus  given,  our  hero,  when  Hall  was  over, 
made  himself  uncommonly  spruce  in  a  new  white  tie,  and  spotless 
kids ;  and  as  he  was  dressing,  drew  a  mental  picture  of  the  party 
to  which  he  was  going.  It  was  to  be  composed  of  quiet,  steady 
men,  who  were  such  hard  readers  as  to  be  called  "  last  men/'  He 
should  therefore  hear  some  delightful  an4  rational  conversation  on 
the  literature  of  ancient  Greece  and  Ixome,  the  present  standard  erf 


66 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


scholarship  in  the  University,  speculations  on  the  forthcoming  prize- 

poems,  comparisons  between  various  expectant  class-men,  and  de 
lightful  topics  of  a  kin 
dred  nature  ;  and  tho 
evening  would  be  passed 
in  a  grave  and  sedate 
manner ;  and  after  a 
couple  of  glasses  of  wine 
had  been  leisurely  sipped, 
they  should  have  a  very 
enjoyable  tea,  and  would 
separate  for  an  early  rest, 
mutually  gratified  and 
improved.  This  was  the 
nature  of  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  speculations ;  but 

whether  they  were  realised  or  no,  may  be  judged  by  transferring 

the  scene  a  few  hours  later  to  Mr.  Smalls'  room. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 
VERDANT  GREEN'S  MORNING  REFLECTIONS  ARE  NOT  so 

PLEASANT  AS  HIS  EVENING  DIVERSIONS. 


MR.  SMALLS'  room  was  filled  with  smoke  and  noise.  Supper  had 
been  cleared  away ;  the  glasses  were  now  sparkling  on  the  board, 
and  the  wine  was  ruby  bright.  The  table,  moreover,  was  supplied 
with  spirituous  liquors  and  mixtures  of  all  descriptions,  together  with 
many  varieties  of  "  cup," — a  cup  which  not  only  cheers,  but  occa 
sionally  inebriates ;  and  this  miscellany  of  liquids  was  now  being 
drunk  on  the  premises  by  some  score  and  a  half  of  gentlemen,  who 
were  sitting  round  the  table,  and  standing  or  lounging  about  in  va 
rious  parts  of  the  room.  Heading  the  table,  sat  the  host,  loosely 
attired  in  a  neat  dressing-gown  of  crimson  and  blue,  in  an  attitude 
which  allowed  him  to  swing  his  legs  easily,  if  not  gracefully,  over 
the  arm  cf  his  chair,  and  to  converse  cheerfully  with  Charles  Lar- 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAS 


kyns,  who  was  leaning  over  the  chair-back.  Visible  to  the  naked 
eye,  on  Mr.  Smalls'  left  hand,  appeared  the  white  tie  and  full  evening 
dress  which  decorated  the  person  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 

A  great  consumption  of  tobacco  was  going  on,  not  only  through 
the  medium  of  cigars,  but  also  of  meerschaums,  short  "  dhudheens" 


of  envied  colour,  and  the  genuine  yard  of  clay  ;  and  Verdant,  while 
he  was  scarcely  aware  of  what  he  was  doing,  found  himself,  to  his 
great  amazement,  with  a  real  cigar  in  his  mouth,  which  he  was 
industriously  sucking,  and  with  great  difficulty  keeping  alight.  Our 
hero  felt  that  the  unexpected  exigencies  of  the  case  demanded  from 
him  some  sacrifice  ;  while  he  consoled  himself  by  the  reflection,  that, 
on  the  homoeopathic  principle  of  "  likes  cure  likes,"  a  cigar  was  the 
best  preventive  against  any  ill  effects  arising  from  the  combination 
of  the  thirty  gentlemen  who  were  generating  smoke  with  all  thr  ar 
dour  of  lime-kilns  or  young  volcanoes,  and  filling  Mr.  Smalls'  small 
room  with  an  atmosphere  that  was  of  the  smoke,  smoky.  Smoke 
produces  thirst ;  and  the  cup,  punch,  egg-flip,  sherry-cobblers,  and 


68        THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

other  liquids,  which  had  been  so  liberally  provided,  were  being  con- 
sumed  by  the  members  of  the  party  as  though  it  had  been  their  drink 
from  childhood ;  while  the  conversation  was  of  a  kind  very  different 
to  what  our  hero  had  anticipated,  being  for  the  most  part  vapid  and 
unmeaning,  and  (must  it  be  confessed  ?)  occasionally  too  highly  fla 
voured  with  improprieties  for  it  to  be  faithfully  recorded  in  these 
pages  of  most  perfect  propriety. 

The  literature  of  ancient  Greece  and  Rome  was  not  even  referred 
to ;  and  when  Verdant,  who,  from  the  unusual  combination  of  the 
smoke  and  liquids,  was  beginning  to  feel  extremely  amiable  and  talk 
ative, — made  a  reflective  observation  (addressed  to  the  company 
generally)  which  sounded  like  the  words  "  Nunc  vino  pellite  curas, 
Cras  ingens,"* — he  was  immediately  interrupted  by  the  voice  of  Mr. 
Bouncer,  crying  out,  "Who's  that  talking  shop  about  engines? 
Holloa,  Gig-lamps  !" — Mr.  Bouncer,  it  must  be  observed,  had  face 
tiously  adopted  the  sobriquet  which  had  been  bestowed  on  Verdant 
and  his  spectacles  on  their  first  appearance  outside  the  Oxford  coach, 
— "  Holloa,  Gig-lamps,  is  that  you  ill-treating  the  dead  languages  ? 
I'm  ashamed  of  you  !  a  venerable  party  like  you  ought  to  be  above 
such  things.  There  !  don't  blush,  old  feller,  but  give  us  a  song ! 
It's  the  punishment  for  talking  shop,  you  know." 

There  was  an  immediate  hammering  of  tables  and  jingling  of 
glasses,  accompanied  with  loud  cries  of  "  Mr.  Green  for  a  song  !  Mr. 
Green !  Mr.  Gig-lamps'  song  !"  cries  which  nearly  brought  our  hero 
to  the  verge  of  idiotcy. 

Charles  Larkyns  saw  this,  and  came  to  the  rescue.  "  Gentle 
men,"  he  said,  addressing  the  company,  "  I  know  that  my  friend 
Verdant  can  sing,  and  thaj,  like  a  good  bird,  he  will  sing.  But 
while  he  is  mentally  looking  over  his  numerous  stock  of  songs,  and 
selecting  one  for  our  amusement,  I  beg  to  fill  up  our  valuable  time, 
by  asking  you  to  fill  up  a  bumper  to  the  health  of  our  esteemed 
host  Smalls  (vociferous  cheers], — a  man  whose  private  worth  is  only 
to  be  equalled  by  the  purity  of  his  milk-punch  and  the  excellence  of 
his  weeds  (hear,  hear).  Bumpers,  gentlemen,  and  no  heel-tajfc  !  and 
though  I  am  sorry  to  interfere  with  Mr.  Fosbrooke's  private  enjoy 
ments,  yet  I  must  beg  to  suggest  to  him  that  he  has  been  so  much 
engaged  in  drowning  his  personal  cares  in  the  bowl  over  which  he  is 
so  skilfully  presiding,  that  my  glass  has  been  allowed  to  sparkle  on 
the  hoard  empty  and  useless."  And  as  Charles  Larkyns  held  out 
his  glass  towards  Mr.  Fosbrpoke  and  the  punch-bowl,  he  trolled  out, 
ID  a  rich,  manly  voice,  eld  Cowley's  anacreontic : 

*  Horace,  car.  i.  od.  *ii. 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  68 

"  Pill  up  the  bowl  then,  fill  it  high ! 
Fill  all  the  glasses  there  !     For  why 
Should  every  creature  drink  but  I? 
Why,  man  of  morals,  tell  me  why  T 

By  the  time  that  the  "  man  of  morals"  had  ladled  out  for  the  com 
pany,  and  that  Mr.  Smalls'  health  had  been  drunk  and  responded  to 
amid  uproarious  applause,  Charles  Larkyns'  friendly  diversion  in  our 
hero's  favour  had  succeeded,  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  regained  his 
confidence,  and  had  decided  upon  one  of  those  vocal  efforts  which,  in 
the  bosom  of  his  own  family,  and  to  the  pianoforte  accompaniment  of 
his  sisters,  was  accustomed  to  meet  with  great  applause.  And  when 
he  had  hastily  tossed  off  another  glass  of  milk-punch  (merely  to  clear 
his  throat),  he'  felt  bold  enough  to  answer  the  spirit-rappings  which 
were  again  demanding  "  Mr.  Green's  song ! "  It  was  given  much  in 
the  following  manner : 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  (in  low  plaintive  tones,  and  fresh  alarm  at 
hearing  the  sounds  of  his  own  voice).  "  I  dreamt  that  I  dwe-elt  in 
aaar-arble  halls,  with" — 

Mr.  Bouncer  (interrupting].  "Spit  it  out,  Gig4amps !  Dia 
child  can't  hear  whether  it's  Maudlin  Hall  you're  singing  about,  or 
what." 

Omnes.  "Order!  or-der!    Shut  up,  Bouncer !" 

Charles  Larkyns  (encouragingly).  "  Try  back,  Verdant :  never 
mind." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  (tries  back,  with  increased  confusion  of  ideas, 
resulting  principally  from  the  milk-punch  and  tobacco).  "  I  dreamt 
that  I  dwe-elt  in  mar-arble  halls,  with  vassals  and  serfs  at  my  si-hi- 
hide ;  and— and — I  beg  your  pardon,  gentlemen,  I  really  forget— 
oh,  I  know  I — and  I  also  dre-eamt,  which  pie-eased  me  most — no, 
that's  not  it" — 

Mr.  Bouncer  (who  does  not  particularly  care  for  the  words  of  a 
song,  but  only  appreciates  the  chorus)—11  That'll  do,  old  feller !  We 
aint  pertickler,--{rMsAes  with  great  deliberation  and  noise  to  the 
chorus)  "  That  you  lo-oved  me  sti-ill  the  sa-ha-hame— chorus,  gen 
tlemen  !" 

Omnes  (in  various  keys  and  time).  "  That  you  lo-oved  me  sti-il 
the  same." 

Mr.  Bouncer  (to  Mr.  Green,  alluding  remotely  to  the  opera). 
"  Now,  my  Bohemian  gal,  can't  you  come  out  to-night  ?  Spit  us  out 
a  yard  or  two  more,  Gig-lamps." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  (who  has  again  taken  the  opportunity  U 
ckar  his  throat).  "  I  dreamt  that  I  dwe-elt  in  mar-arble— no !  I  beg 
pardon  !  sang  that  (desperately)— that  sui-uitors  sou-light  my  hand, 


TO         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MK.  VEKDANT  GREEN, 

that  knights  on  their  (hie)  ben-ended  kne-e-ee — had  (hie)  riches  toe 
gre-eat  to" — (Mr.  Verdant  Green  smiles  benignantly  upon  the  com- 
pany) — "  Don't  rec'lect  anymo." 

Mr.  Bouncer  (who  is  not  to  be  defrauded  of  the  chorus).  "  Cho- 
niB,  gentlemen  ! — That  you'll  lo-ove  me  sti-ill  the  sa-a-hame  ! " 

Omnes  (ad  libitum).  "  That  you'll  lo-ove  me  sti-ill  the  same  ! " 

Though  our  hero  had  ceased  to  sing,  he  was  still  continuing  to 
clear  his  throat  by  the  aid  of  the  milk-punch,  and  was  again  indus 
triously  sucking  his  cigar,  which  he  had  not  yet  succeeded  in  getting 
half  through,  although  he  had  re-lighted  it  about  twenty  times.  All 
this  was  observed  by  the  watchful  eyes  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  who,  whis 
pering  to  his  neighbour,  and  bestowing  a  distributive  wink  on  the 
company  generally,  rose  and  made  the  following  remarks : — 

"  Mr.  Smalls,  and  gents  all :  I  don't  often  get  on  my  pins  to 
trouble  you  with  a  neat  and  appropriate  speech ;  but  on  an  occasion 
like  the  present,  when  we  are  honoured  with  the  presence  of  a  partj 
who  has  just  delighted  us  with  what  I  may  call  a  flood  of  harmony 
(hear,  hear), — and  has  pitched  it  so  uncommon  strong  in  the  vocal 
line,  as  to  considerably  take  the  shine  out  of  the  woodpecker-tapping, 
that  we've  read  of  in  the  pages  of  history  (hear,  hear :  "  Go  it  again. 
Bouncer  /"), — when,  gentlemen,  I  see  before  me  this  old  original 
Little  Wobbler, — need  I  say  that  I  allude  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green  ? — 
(vociferous  cheers) — I  feel  it  a  sort  of,  what  you  call  a  privilege,  d'ye 
see,  to  stand  on  my  pins,  and  propose  that  respected  party's  jolly 
good  health  (renewed  cheers').  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  gentlemen,  has 
but  lately  come  among  us,  and  is,  in  point  of  fact,  what  you  call  a 
freshman ;  but,  gentlemen,  we've  already  seen  enough  of  him  to  feel 
aware  that — that  Brazenface  has  gained  an  acquisition,  which — • 
which — (cries  of  " Tally-ho !  Yoicks!  Harkforrud!")  Exactly  so, 
gentlemen  :  so,  as  I  see  you  are  all  anxious  to  do  honour  to  our 
freshman,  I  beg,  without  further  preface,  to  give  you  the  health  of 
Mr.  Verdant  Green !  With  all  the  honours.  Chorus,  gents ! 

"  For  he's  a  jolly  good  fellow  ! 
For  he's  a  jolly  good  fellow  ! ! 
For  he's  a  jolly  good  f-e-e-ell-ow  ! ! ! 
Which  nobody  can  deny  !" 

This  chorus  was  taken  up  and  prolonged  in  the  most  indefinite  manner; 
little  Mr.  Bouncer  fairly  revelling  in  it,  and  only  regretting  that  he 
had  not  his  post-horn  with  him  to  further  contribute  to  the  harmony 
of  the  evening.  It  seemed  to  be  a  great  art  in  the  singers  of  the 
chorus  to  dwell  as  long  as  possible  on  the  third  repetition  of  the 
word  "  fellow,"  and  in  the  most  defiant  manner  to  pounce  down  <w 


AN  OXFOPD  FRESHMAN.  71 

the  bold  affirmation  by  which  it  is  followed ;  and  then  to  lyrically 
proclaim  that,  not  only  was  it  a  way  they  had  in  the  Varsity  to  drive 
dull  care  away,  but  that  the  same  practice  was  also  pursued  in  the 
army  and  navy  for  the  attainment  of  a  similar  end. 

When  the  chorus  had  been  sung  over  three  or  four  times,  and 
Mr.  Verdant  Green's  name  had  been  proclaimed  with  equal  noise, 
that  geDtleman  rose  (with  great  difficulty),  to  return  thanks.  He 
was  understood  to  speak  as  follows : — 

"  Genelum  anladies 
(cheers), — I  meange- 
nelum.  ("  That's  about 
the  ticket,  old  feller!" 
from  Mr.  Bouncer.) 
Customd  syam  plic 
speakn,  I — I — (//  ear, 
hear)  —  feel  bliged 
drinkmyel.  I'm  fres- 
man,  genelum,  and 
prow  title  (loud  cheers). 
Myfren  Misserboucer, 
fallowrne  callm  myfren ! 
("  fn  course,  Gig- 
lamps,  you  do  me  proud, 
old  feller:')  .  Myfren 
Misserboucer  seszime 
fresman — prow  title, 
sureyou  (hear,  hear). 
Genelmun,  werall  jolgoodfles,  anwe  wogohotillmorrin !  ("  We  won't, 
we  won't !  not  a  bit  of  it!")  Gelmul,  I'm  fresmal,  an  namesgreel, 
gelmul  (cheers).  Fanyul  dousmewor,  herescardinpock  'lltellm !  Misser 
Verdalgreel,  Braseface,  Oxul  fresmal,  anprowtitle  !  (Great  cheering 
and  rattling  of  glasses,  during  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  coat- 
tails  are  made  the  receptacles  for  empty  bottles,  lobsters'  claws,  and 
other  miscellaneous  articles.)  Misserboucer  said  was  fresmal.  If 
Misserboucer  wantsultme  ("No,  no/'1),  herescardinpocklltellm names- 
verdalgreel,  Braseface!  Not  sharaeontgelmul !  prowtitle  !  (Great 
applause)  1  doewaltilsul  Misserboucer !  thenwhysee  sultme  ?  thas- 
waw  Iwaltknow  !  (Loud  cheers,  and  roars  of  laughter,  in  which 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  suddenly  joins  to  the  best  of  his  ability.)  I'm 
anoxful  fresmal.  gelmul,  'fmyirel Misserboucer  lomm-callimso.  ( Cheers 
and  laughter,  in  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green  feebly  joins.)  Anweer 
all  jolgoodfles,  anwe  wogohotilmorril.  an  I'm  fresmal,  gelmul,  anfanyul 
dowsmewor — an  I — doefeel  quiwell !"  » 

This  was  the  termination  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  speech,  KM 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VEKDANT  GREEN, 


after  making  a  few  unintelligible  sounds,  his  knees  suddenly  gave  way, 

and  with  a  benevolent  smile  he  disappeared  beneath  the  table. 
******* 

Half  an  hour  afterwards  two  gentlemen  might  have  been  seen, 
bearing  with  staggering  steps  across  the  moonlit  quad  the  huddled 

form  of  a  third  gentleman,  who  was 
clothed  in  full  evening  dress,  and 
appeared  incapable  of  taking  care 
of  himself.  The  two  first  gentle 
men  set  down  their  burden  under 
an  open  doorway, painted  over  with 
a  large  4;  and  then,  by  pulling  and 
pushing,  assisted  it  to  guide  its 
steps  up  a  narrow  and  intricate 
staircase,  until  they  had  gained  the 
third  floor,  and  stood  before  a  door, 
over  which  the  moonlight  revealed, 
in  newly -painted  white  letters,  the 
name  of  "  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN." 

"  Well,  old  feller,"  said  the  first  gentleman,  "  how  do  you  feel 
now,  after  '  Sich  a  getting  up  stairs  ?'" 

"  Feel  much  berrer  now,"  said  their  late  burden  ;  "  feel  quite- 
comfurble  !  Shallgotobed  !" 

"  Well,  Gig-lamps,"  said  the  first  speaker,  "  and  By-by  won't  be 
at  all  a  bad  move  for  you.  D'ye  think  you  can  unrig  yourself  and 
get  between  the  sheets,  eh,  my  beauty  ?" 

"  Its  allri,  allri !"  was  the  reply ;  "  limy  candle !" 
"  No,  no,"  said  the  second  gentleman,  as  he  pulled  up  the  window- 
blind,  and  let  in  the  moonlight ;  "here's  quite  as  much  light  as  you 
want.     It's  almost  morning." 

"  Sotis,"  said  the  gentleman  in  the  evening  costume  ;  "  anlittle- 
birds  beginsingsoon !  Ilike  littlebirds  sing !  jollittlebirds  !"  The 
speaker  had  suddenly  fallen  upon  his  bed,  and  was  lying  thereon  at 
full  length,  with  his  feet  on  the  pillow. 

"  He'll  be  best  left  in  this  way,"  said  the  second  speaker,  as  he 
removed  the  pillow  to  the  proper  place,  and  raised  the  prostrate  gen 
tleman's  head  ;  "  I'll  take  off  his  choker  and  make  him  easy  about 
the  neck,  and  then  we'll  shut  him  up  and  leave  him.  Why  the 
beggar's  asleep  already !"  And  so  the  two  gentlemen  went  away, 
and  left  him  safe%  and  sleeping. 

It  is  conjectured,  however,  that  he  must  have  got  up  shortly  aftei 
this,  and  finding  himself  with  his  clothes  on,  must  have  considered 
that  a  lighted  candle  was  indispensably  necessary  to  undressSby ;  for 
when  Mrs.  Tester  came  at  her  usual  early  hour  to  light  the  fires  and 


AN  OXFOKD  FRESHMAN. 


73 


prepare  the  sitting-rooms,  she  discovered  him  lying,  on  the  carpet 

embracing  the  coal-skuttle,  with  a  candle  by  his  side.     The  good 

woman  raised  him,   and 

did  not  leave  him  until  she 

had,  in  the  most  motherly 

manner,  safely  tucked  him 

up  in  bed. 

*         #         # 

Clink,  clank !  clink, 
clank !  tingle,  tangle !  tin 
gle,  tangle !  Are  demons 
smiting  ringing  hammers 
into  Mr.  Verdant  Green's 
brain,  or  is  the  dreadful 
bell  summoning  him  to 
rise  for  morning  chapel  ? 

Mr.  Filcher  puts  an  end 
to  the  doubt  by  putting 
his  head  in  at  the  bed 
room  door,  and  saying, 
"Time  for  chapel,  sir  !  Chapel,"  thought  Mr.  Filcher;  "here  is  a 
chap  ill,  indeed  ! — Bain't  you  well,  sir  ?  Restless  you  look !" 

Oh,  the  shame  and  agony  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  felt !  The 
desire  to  buiy  Ins  head  under  the  clothes,  away  from  Robert's  and 
every,  one  else's  sight ;  the  fever  that  throbbed  his  brain  and  parched 
his  lips,  and  made  him  long  to  diink  up  Ocean  ;  the  eyes  that  felt  like 
burning  lead ;  the  powerless  hands  that  trembled  like  a  weak  old 
man's ;  the  voice  that  came  in  faltering  tones  that  jarred  the  brain  at 
every  word !  How  he  despised  himself ;  how  he  loathed  the  very 
idea  of  wine ;  how  he  resolved  never,  never  to  transgress  so  again  ! 
Bvt  perhaps  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  not  the  only  Oxford  freshman 
who  has  made  this  resolution. 

"  Bain't  you  well,  sir  ?"  repeated  Mr.  Filcher,  with  a  passing 
th  jught  that  freshmen  were  sadly  degenerating,  and  could  not  manage 
their  three  bottles  as  they  did  when  he  was  first  a  scout :  "  bain't 
you  well,  sir  ?" 

"  Not  very  well,  Robert,  thank  you.  I— my  head  aches,  and 
I'm  afraid  I  shall  not  be  able  to  get  up  for  chapel.  Will  the  Master 
be  very  angry  ?" 

"Well,  he  might  be,  you  see,  sir,"  replied  Mr.  Filcher,^ who 


wui  bring  you  your  Commons  just  the  same. 

4 


Will  that  do.  sir  T 


F4         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEK, 

"  Oh,  thank  you  ;  yes,  any  thing.  You  will  find  five  shillings  in 
my  waistcoat-pocket,  Robert ;  please  to  take  it ;  but  I  can't  eat." 

"  Thank'ee,  sir,"  said  the  scout,  as  he  abstracted  the  five  shil 
lings  ;  "  but  you'd  better  have  a  bit  of  something  sir ; — a  cup  of 
strong  tea,  or  somethin'.  Mr.  Smalls,  sir,  when  he  were  pleasant, 
he  always  had  beer,  sir  ;  but  p'raps  you  ain't  been  used  to  bein'  plea 
sant,  sir,  and  slops  might  suit  you  better,  sir." 

"  Oh,  any  thing,  any  thing  !"  groaned  our  poor,  unheroic  hero,  as 
he  turned  his  face  to  the  wall,  and  endeavoured  to  recollect  in  what 
way  he  had  been  "  pleasant"  the  night  before.  But,  alas !  the  wells 
of  his  memory  had,  for  the  time,  been  poisoned,  and  nothing  clear  or 
pure  could  be  drawn  therefrom.  So  he  got  up  and  looked  at  himself 
in  the  glass,  and  scarcely  recognised  the  tangled-haired,  sallow-faced 
wretch,  whose  bloodshot  eyes  gazed  heavily  at  him  from  the  mirror. 
So  he  nervously  drained  the  water-bottle,  and  buried  himself  once 
more  among  the  tossed  and  tumbled  bed-clothes. 

The  tea  really  did  him  some  good,  and  enabled  him  to  recover 
sufficient  nerve  to  go  feebly  through  the  operation  of  dressing ;  though 
it  was  lucky  that  nature  had  not  yet  brought  Mr.  Verdant  Green  to 
the  necessity  of  shaving,  for  the  handling  of  a  razor  might  have  been 
attended  with  suicidal  results,  and  have  brought  these  veracious 
memoirs  and  their  hero  to  an  untimely  end. 

He  had  just  sat  down  to  a  second  edition  of  tea,  and  was  reading 
a  letter  that  the  post  had  brought  him  from  his  sister  Mary,  in  which 
she  said,  "  I  dare  say  by  this  time  you  have  found  Mr.  Charles  Lar- 
kyns  a  very  delightful  companion,  and  I  am  sure  a  very  valuable 
one  ;  as,  from  what  the  rector  says,  he  appears  to  be  so  steady,  and 
has  such  nice  quiet  companions:" — our  hero  had  read  as  far  as  this, 
when  a  great  noise  just  without  his  door  caused  the  letter  to  drop 
from  his  trembling  hands  ;  and,  between  loud  fanfares  from  a  post- 
horn,  and  heavy  thumps  upon  the  oak,  a  voice  was  heard,  demanding 
"  Entrance  in  the  Proctor's  name." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  for  the  first  time  "  sported  his  oak." 
Under  any  circumstances  it  would  have  been  a  mere  form,  since  his 
bashful  politeness  would  have  induced  him  to  open  it  to  any  comer ; 
but,  at  the  dreaded  name  of  the  Proctor,  he  sprang  from  his  chair, 
and  while  impositions,  rustications,  and  expulsions  rushed  tumultu- 
ously  through  his  disordered  brain,  he  nervously  undid  the  spring- 
lock,  and  admitted — not  the  Proctor,  but  the  "  steady '  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns  and  his  "  nice  quiet  companion,"  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  who 
testified  his  joy  at  the  success  of  their  coup  d^etat,  by  blowing  on  hit 
horn  loud  blasts  that  might  have  been  borne  by  Fontarabian  echoes, 
and  which  rang  through  poor  Verdant's  head  with  indescribable  jar- 
rings. 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  7| 

"Well,  Verdant,"  said  Charles  Larkyns,  "how  do  you  find 
yourself  this  morning  ?  You  look  rather  shaky." 

"He  ain't  a  very  lively  picter,  is  he?"  remarked  little  Mr. 
Bouncer,  with  the  air  of  a  connoisseur ;  "  peakyish  you  feel,  don't 
you,  now,  with  a  touch  of  the  mulligrubs  in  your  collywobbles  1  Ah, 
I  know  what  it  is,  my  boy." 

It  was  more  than  our  hero  did ;  and  he  could  only  reply  that  he 
did  not  feel  very  well.  "I — I  had  a  class  of  claret  after  some 
lobster-salad,  and  I  think  it  disagreed  with  me." 

"  Not  a  doubt  of  it,  Verdant,"  said  Charles  Larkyns  very  gravely; 
"  it  would  have  precisely  the  same  effect  that  the  salmon  always  has 
at  a  public  dinner, — bring  on  great  hilarity,  succeeded  by  a  pleasing 
delirium,  and  concluding  in  a  horizontal  position,  and  a  demand  for 
soda-water." 

"  I  hope,"  said  our  hero,  rather  faintly,  "  that  I  did  not  conduct 
myself  in  an  unbecoming  manner  last  night ;  for  I  am  sorry  to  say 
that  I  do  not  remember  all  that  occurred." 

"  I  should  think  not,  Gig-lamps.  You  were  as  drunk  as  a  besom," 
said  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  with  a  side  wink  to  Mr.  Larkyns,  to  prepare 
that  gentleman  for  what  was  to  follow.  "  Why,  you  got  on  pretty 
well  till  old  Slowcoach  came  in,  and  then  you  certainly  did  go  it, 
and  no  mistake !" 

"  Mr.  Slowcoach  !"  groaned  the  freshman.  "  Good  gracious  !  is 
it  possible  that  he  saw  me  ?  I  don't  remember  it." 

"  And  it  would  be  lucky  for  you  if  he  didn't,"  replied  Mr. 
Bouncer.  "  Why  his  rooms,  you  know,  are  in  the  same  angle  of 
the  quad  as  Smalls' ;  so,  when  you  came  to  shy  the  empty  bottles 
out  of  Smalls'  window  at  his  window, — " 

"  Shy  empty  bottles  !  Oh  !"  gasped  the  freshman. 

"  Why,  of  course,  you  see,  he  couldn't  stand  that  sort  of  game, — 
it  wasn't  to  be  expected ;  so  he  puts  his  head  out  of  the  bedroom 
window, — and  then,  don't  you  remember  crying  out,  as  you  pointed 
to  the  tassel  of  his  night-cap  sticking  up  straight  on  end,  *  Tally-ho ! 
Unearth'd  at  last !  Look  at  his  brush  !'  Don't  you  remember  that, 
Gig-lamps  ?" 

"  Oh,  oh,  no  !"  groaned  Mr.  Bouncer's  victim ;  "  I  can't  remem 
ber,  —oh,  what  could  have  induced  me  !" 

"  By  Jove,  you  must  have  been  screwed  !  Then  I  daresay  you 
don't  remember  wanting  to  have  a  polka  with  him,  when  he  came 
ap  to  Smalls'  rooms  ?" 

«  A  polka !  Oh  dear !  Oh  no !  Oh !" 

"  Or  asking  him  if  life  mother  knew  he  was  out, — and  what  he'd 
take  for  his  cap  without  the  tassel ;  and  telling  him  that  he  was  the 
joy  of  your  heart, — and  that  you  should  never  be  happy  unless  he'd 


76 


THE  ADVENTUKES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


smile  as  lie  was  won't  to  smile,  and  would  love  you  then  as  now, 
— and  saying  all  sorts  of  bosh  ?  What,  not  remember  it !  *  Oh, 
what  a  noble  mind  is  here  o'erthrown !'  as  some  cove  says  in  Shak- 
speare.  But  how  screwed  you  must  have  been,  Gig-lamps  !" 

"  And  do  you  think,''  inquired  our  hero,  after  a  short  but  suffi 
ciently  painful  reflection, — "  do  you  think  that  Mr.  Slowcoach  will — 
oh  ! — expel  me  ?" 

"  Why,  it's  rather  a  shave  for  it,"  replied  his  tormentor ;  "  but 
the  best  thing  you  can  do  is  to  write  an  apology  at  once :  pitch  it 
pretty  strong  in  the  pathetic  Line, — say,  it's  your  first  offence,  and 
that  you'll  never  be  a  naughty  boy  again,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing. 
You  just  do  that,  Gig-lamps,  and  I'll  see  that  the  note  goes  to — the 
proper  place." 

"  Oh,  thank  you !"  said  the  freshman ;  and  while,  with  equal 
difficulty  from  agitation  both  of  mind  and  body,  he  composed  and 
penned  the  note,  Mr.  Bouncer  ordered  up  some  buttery  beer,  and 

Charles  Larkyns  pre 
pared  some  soda-water 
with  a  dash  of  brandy, 
which  he  gave  Verdant 
to  drink,  and  which 
considerably  refreshed 
that  gentleman.  "And 
I  should  advise  you," 
he  said,  "  to  go  out  for 
a  constitutional ;  for 
walking-time's  come, 
although  you  have  but 
just  done  your  break 
fast.  A  blow  up  Headington  Hill  will  do  you  good,  and  set  you  on 
your  legs  again." 

So  Verdant,  after  delivering  up  his  note  to  Mr.  Bouncer,  took 
his  friend's  advice,  and  set  out  for  his  constitutional  in  his  cap  and 
gown,  feeling  afraid  to  move  without  them,  lest  he  should  thereby 
trespass  some  law.  This,  of  course,  gained  him  some  attention  after 
he  had  crossed  Magdalen  Bridge  ;  and  he  might  have  almost  been 
taken  for  the  original  of  that  impossible  gownsman  who  appears  in 
Turner's  well-known  "  View  of  Oxford,  from  Ferry  Hincksey,"  as 
wandering — 

"  Remote,  unfriended,  solitary,  tlov," — 

in  a  corn-field,  in  the  company  of  an  umbrella! 

Among  the  many  pedestrians  and  equestrians  that  he  encoun 
tered,  our  freshman  espied  a  short  and  very  stout  gentleman,  whoM 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN. 


77 


shovel-hat,  short  apron,  and  general  decanical  ccstume,  proclaimed 
him  to  be  a  don  of  some  importance.  He  was  riding  a  pad-nLg,  wh« 
ambled  placidly  along,  without  so  much  as  hinting  at  an  outbreak 
into  a  canter ;  a  performance  that,  as  it  seemed,  might  have  been 
attended  with  disastrous  consequences  to  his  rider.  Our  hero  noticed 
that  the  trio  of  undergraduates  who  were  walking  before  him,  while 


they  passed  others,  who  were  evidently  dons,  without  the  slightest 
notice  (being  in  mufti),  yet  not  only  raised  their  hats  to  the  stout 
gentleman,  but  also  separated  for  that  purpose,  and  performed  the 
salute  at  intervals  of  about  ten  yards.  And  he  further  remarked, 
that  while  the  stout  gentleman  appeared  to  be  exceedingly  gratified 
at  the  notice  he  received,  yet  that  he  had  also  very  great  difficulty 
in  returning  the  rapid  salutations ;  and  only  accomplished  them  and 
retained  his  seat  by  catching  at  the  pommel  of  his  saddle,  or  the 
mane  of  his  steed, — a  proceeding  which  the  pad-nag  seemed  per 
fectly  used  to. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  returned  home  from  his  walk,  feeling  all  the 
better  for  the  fresh  air  and  change  of  scene ;  but  he  still  looked,  as 
his  neighbour,  Mr.  Bouncer,  kindly  informed  him,  "uncommon 
seedy  and  doosid  fishy  about  the  eyes ;"  and  it  was  some  days  even 
before  he  had  quite  recovered  from  the  novel  excitement  of  Mi. 
Smalls'"  quiet  party." 


78         THE  ADVENTUEES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GBZMI, 


CHAPTER  IX. 

ME.  VEEDANT  GEEEN  ATTENDS  LECTUEES,  AND,  IN  DESPITE  03? 
SEEMONS,  HAS  DEALINGS  WITH  FILTHY  LUCEE. 

OUE  freshman,  like  all  other  freshmen,  now  began  to  think  seriously 
of  work,  and  plunged  desperately  into  all  the  lectures  that  it  was  pos 
sible  for  him  to  attend,  beginning  every  course  with  a  zealousnesa 
that  showed  him  to  be  filled  with  the  idea  that  such  a  plan  was  emi 
nently  necessary  for  the  attainment  of  his  degree  ;  in  all  this  in  every 
respect  deserving  the  Humane  Society's  medal  for  his  brave  plunge 
into  the  depths  of  the  Pierian  spring,  to  fish  up  the  beauties  that 
had  been  immersed  therein  by  the  poets  of  old.  When  we  say  that 
our  freshman,  like  other  freshmen,  "  began"  this  course,  we  use  the 
verb  advisedly ;  for,  like  many  other  freshmen  who  start  with  a 
burst  in  learning's  race,  he  soon  got  winded,  and  fell  back  among  the 
ruck.  But  the  course  of  lectures,  like  the  course  of  true  love,  will 
not  always  ran  smooth,  even  to  those  who  undertake  it  with  the 
same  courage  as  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 

The  dryness  of  the  daily  routine  of  lectures,  which  varied  about 
as  much  as  the  steak-and-chop,  chop-and-steak  dinners  of  ancient 
taverns,  was  occasionally  relieved  by  episodes,  which,  though  not 
witty  in  themselves,  were  yet  the  cause  of  wit  in  others  ;  for  it  takes 
but  little  to  cause  amusement  in  a  lecture-room,  where  a  bad  con 
strue  ;  or  the  imaginative  excuses  of  late-comers ;  or  the  confusion 
of  some  young  gentleman  who  has  to  turn  over  the  leaf  of  his  Greek 
play  and  finds  it  uncut ;  or  the  pounding  of  the  same  gentleman  in 
the  middle  of  the  first  chorus ;  or  his  offensive  extrication  therefrom 
through  the  medium  of  some  Cumberland  barbarian  ;  or  the  officious- 
ness  of  the  same  barbarian  to  pursue  the  lecture  when  every  one 
else  has,  with  singular  unanimity,  "  read  no  further  f— all  these  cir 
cumstances,  although  perhaps  dull  enough  in  themselves,  are  never 
theless  productive  of  some  mirth  in  a  lecture-room. 

But  if  there  were  often  late-comers  to  the  lectures,  there  were 
occasionally  early-goers  from  them.  Had  Mr.  Four-in-hand  Fos- 
brooke  an  engagement  to  ride  his  horse  Tearaway  in  the  amateur 
steeple-chase,  and  was  he  constrained,  by  circumstances  over  which 
(as  he  protested)  he  had  no  control,  to  put  in  a  regular  appearance 
at  Mr  Slowcoach's  lectures,  what  was  it  necessary  for  him  to  do 
more  than  to  come  to  lecture  in  a  long  greatcoat,  put  his  handker 
chief  to  his  face  as  though  his  nose  were  bleeding,  look  appealingly 
at  Mr.  Slowcoach,  and,  as  he  made  his  exit,  pull  aside  the  long  great- 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN. 


coat,  and  display  to  his  admiring  colleagues  the  snowy  ccrds  and  t  pf 
that  would  soon  be  pressing  against  Tearaways  sides,  that  gallunt 
Animal  being  then  in  waiting,  with  its  trusty  groom,  in  the  alley  at 
the  back  of  Brasenface  ?  And  if  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  for  astute  rea 


sons  of  his  own,  wished  Mr.  Slowcoach  to  believe  that  he  (Mr.  B.) 
was  particularly  struck  with  his  (Mr.  S.'s)  remarks  on  the  force  of 
Kara  in  composition,  what  was  to  prevent  Mr.  Bouncer  from  feigning 
to  make  a  note  of  these  remarks  by  the  aid  of  a  cigar  instead  of  an 
ordinary  pencil  ? 

-       But  besides  the  regular  lectures  of  Mr.  Slowcoach,  our  hero  h 
also  the  privilege  of  attending  those  of  the  Rev.  Richard  Harmony. 
Much  learning,  though  it  had  not  made  Mr.  Harmony  mad,  had  at 
least  in  conjunction  with  his  natural  tendencies,  contributed  t 
him  extremely  eccentric;  while  to  much  perusal  of  Greek  ami  H, 
brew  MSS.  he  probably  owed  his  defective  vision.    These  infirmities, 
instead  of  being  regarded  with  sympathy,  as  wounds  received  by 
Mr  Harmony  in  the  classical  engagements  in  the  various  1 
literature,  were,  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  surprise,  much  impose 
upon ;  for  it  was  a  favourite  pastime  with  the  gentlemen  who 
tended  Mr.  Harmony's  lectures,  to  gradually  raise  up  the  lecture- 


80 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


table  by  a  concerted  action,  and  when  Mr.  Harmony's  book  had 
nearly  reacted  to  the  level  of  his  nose,  to  then  suddenly  drop  the 
table  to  its  original  level ;  upon  which  Mr.  Harmony,  to  the  immense 
gratification  of  all  concerned,  would  rub  his  eyes,  wipe  his  glasses, 
and  murmur,  "  Dear  me  !  dear  me  !  how  my  head  swims  this  morn 
ing  !"  And  then  he  would  perhaps  ring  for  his  servant,  and  order 
his  usual  remedy,  an  orange,  at  which  he  would  suck  abstractedly, 
nor  discover  any  difference  in  the  flavour  even  when  a  lemon  was 
surreptitiously  substituted.  And  thus  he  would  go  on  through  the 
lecture,  sucking  his  orange  (or  lemon),  explaining  and  expounding  in 
the  most  skilful  and  lucid  manner,  and  yet,  as  far  as  the  "  table- 
movement"  was  concerned,  as  unsuspecting  and  as  witless  as  a  little 
child. 


Mr.  Verdant  Green  not  only  (at  first)  attended  lectures  with  ex 
emplary  diligence  and  regularity,  but  he  also  duly  went  to  morning 
and  evening  chapel ;  nor,  when  Sundays  came,  did  he  neglect  to  turn 
his  feet  towards  St.  Mary's  to  hear  the  University  sermons.  Their 
effect  was  as  striking  to  him  as  it  probably  is  to  most  persons  who 
have  only  been  accustomed  to  the  usual  services  of  country  churches. 
Firat,  there  was  the  peculiar  character  of  the  congregation :  down 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  81 

below,  the  vice-chancellor  in  his  throne,  overlooking  the  other  dms 
in  their  stalls  (being  "  a  complete  realisation  of  stalled  Oxon ."  as 
Charles  Larkyns  whispered  to  our  hero),  who  were  relieved  in  colour 
by  their  crimson  or  scarlet  hoods ;  and  then,  "  upstairs,"  in  the  north 


and  the  great  west  galleries,  the  black  mass  of  undergraduates ;  whJi 
a  few  ladies'  bonnets  and  heads  of  male  visitors  peeped  from  the  pe- 
in  the  aisles,  or  looked  out  from  the  curtains  of  the  organ-gi 
where,  "  by  the  kind  permission  of  Dr.  Elvey,"  they  were  acco 
dated  with  seats,  and  watched  with  wonder,  while 


The  wild  wizard's  fingers, 
With  magical  skill, 

Made  music  that  lingers 
111  memory  still." 

4* 


82         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Then  there  was  the  bidding-prayer,  in  which  Mr.  Verdant  Greea 
was  somewhat  astonished  to  hear  the  long  list  of  founders  and  bene 
factors,  "  such  as  were,  Pliilip  Pluckton,  Bishop  of  Iffley  ;  King  Ed^ 
ward  the  Seventh ;  Stephen  de  Henley,  Earl  of  Bagley,  and  Maud 
his  wife ;  Nuneham  Courtney,  knight,"  with  a  long  et- cetera ; 
though,  as  the  preacher  happened  to  be  a  Brazenface  man,  our  hero 
found  that  he  was  "  most  chiefly  bound  to  praise  Clement  Abingdon, 
Bishop  of  Jericho,  and  founder  of  the  college  of  Brazenface ;  Richard 
Glover,  Duke  of  Woodstock  ;  Giles  Peckwater,  Abbot  of  Oseney ;  and 
Binsey  Green,  Doctor  of  Music ; — benefactors  of  the  same." 

Then  there  was  the  sermon  itself;  the  abstrusely  learned  and 
classical  character  of  which,  at  first,  also  astonished  him,  after  having 
been  so  long  used  to  the  plain  and  highly  practical  advice  which  the 
rector,  Mr.  Larkyns,  knew  how  to  convey  so  well  and  so  simply  to 
his  rustic  hearers.  But  as  soon  as  he  had  reflected  on  the  very 
different  characters  of  the  two  congregations,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  at 
once  recognised  the  appropriateness  of  each  class  of  sermons  to  its 
peculiar  hearers ;  yet  he  could  not  altogether  drive  away  the  thought, 
how  the  generality  of  those  who  had  on  previous  Sundays  been  his 
fellow-worshippers  would  open  their  blue  Saxon  eyes,  and  ransack 
their  rustic  brains,  as  to  "  what  could  ha'  come  to  rector,"  if  he  were 
to  indulge  in  Greek  and  Latin  quotations, — somewhat  after  the  fol 
lowing  style.  "  And  though  this  interpretation  may  in  these  days  be 
disputed,  yet  we  shall  find  that  it  was  once  very  generally  received. 
For  the  learned  St.  Chrysostom  is  very  clear  on  this  point,  where  he 
says,  *  Anna  virumque  cano,  rusticus  expectat,  sub  tegmine  fagi ;' 
of  which  the  words  of  Irenaeus  are  a  confirmation,  —  orororoto, 
7ra7ra7rc|oa£,  7rcXu0Ao/<r£oio  flaXacroTje."  Our  hero,  indeed,  could 
not  but  help  wondering  what  the  fairer  portion  of  the  congregation 
made  of  these  parts  of  the  sermons,  to  whom,  probably,  the  sentences 
just  quoW  would  have  sounded  as  full  of  meaning  as  those  they 
really  heard.  

il  Hallo,  Gig-lamps  !"  said  the  cheery  voice  of  little  Mr.  Bouncer, 
as  he  looked  one  morning  into  Verdant's  rooms,  followed  by  his  two 
bull-terriers  ;  "  why  don't  you  sport  something  in  the  dog  line  ?  Some 
thing  in  the  bloodhound  or  tarrier  way.  Ain't  you  fond  o'  dogs  ?" 

"  Oh,  very !"  replied  our  hero.  "  I  once  had  a  very  nice  one, — a 
King  Charles." 

"  Oh !"  observed  Mr.  Bouncer,  "  one  of  them  beggars  that  you 
have  to  feed  with  spring-chickens,  and  get  up  with  curling  tongs. 
Ah !  they're  all  very  well  in  their  way,  and  do  for  women  and  carriage- 
exercise  ;  but  give  me  this  sort  of  thing !"  and  Mr,  Bouncer  patted  one 
of  his  villanous-looking  pets,  who  wagged  his  corkscrew  tail  in 'reply, 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  83 

14 Now,  these  are  beauties,  and  no  mistake  !  What  you  call  useful 
and  ornamental ;  ain't  you,  Buzzy  ?  The  beggars  are  brothers ;  so  I 
call  them  Huz  and  Buz  : — Huz  his  first-born,  you  know,  and  Buz  his 
brother" 

"  I  should  like  a  dog,"  said  Verdant ;  "  but  where  could  I  keep 
one?" 

"  Oh,  anywhere !"  replied  Mr.  Bouncer  confidently.  "  I  keep 
these  beggars  in  tjie  little  shop  for  coal,  just  outside  the  door.  It 
ain't  the  law,  I  know  ;  but  what's  the  odds  as  long  as  they're  happy  ? 
They  think  it  no  end  of  a  lark.  I  once  had  a  Newfunland,  and 
tried  him  there ;  but  the  obstinate  brute  considered  it  too  small  for 
him,  and  barked  himself  in  such  an  unnatural  manner,  that  at  last 
he'd  got  no  wool  on  the  top  of  his  head, — just  the  place  where  the 
wool  ought  to  grow,  you  know ;  so  I  swopped  the  beggar  to  a  Skim  • 
mery*  man  for  a  regular  slap-up  set  of  pets  of  the  ballet,  framed  and 
glazed,  petticoats  and  all,  mind  you.  But  about  your  dog,  Gig- 
lamps  : — that  cupboard  there  would  be  just  the  ticket ;  you  could 
put  him  under  the  wine-bottles,  and  then  there'd  be  wine  above  and 
whine  below.  Videsne  puer  f  D'ye  twig,  young  'un  ?  But  if  you're 
squeamish  about  that,  there*  are  heaps  of  places  in  the  town  where 
you  could  keep  a  beast." 

So,  when  our  hero  had  been  persuaded  that  the  possession  of  an 
animal  of  the  terrier  species  was  absolutely  necessary  to  a  Univer 
sity  man's  existence,  he  had  not  to  look  about  long  without  having 
the  void  filled  up.  Money  will  in  most  places  procure  any  thing,  from 
a  grant  of  arms  to  a  pair  of  wooden  legs  ;  so  it  is  not  surprising  if,  in 
Oxford,  such  an  every-day  commodity  as  a  dog  can  be  obtained 
through  the  medium  of  "  filthy  lucre ;"  for  there  was  a  well-known 
dog-fancier  and  proprietor,  whose  surname  was  that  of  the  rich  sub 
stantive  just  mentioned,  to  which  had  been  prefixed  the  "  filthy"  ad 
jective,  probably  for  the  sake  of  euphony.  As  usual,  Filthy  Lucre 
was  clumping  with  his  lame  leg  up  and  down  the  pavement  just  in 
front  of  the  Brazenface  gate,  accompanied  by  his  last  "  new  and  ex 
tensive  assortment"  of  terriers  of  every  variety,  which  he  now  pulled 
up  for  the  inspection  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 

"  Is  it  a  long-aird  dawg,  or  a  smooth  'un,  as  you'd  most  fancy  ?" 
inquired  Mr.  Lucre.  "  Har,  sir !"  he  continued,  in  a  flattering  tone, 
as  he  saw  our  hero's  eye  dwelling  on  a  Skye  terrier ;  "  I  see  you're 
a  gent  as  does  know  a  good  style  of  dawg,  when  you  see  'un !  It 
ain't  often  as  you  see  a  Skye  sich  as  that,  sir !  Look  at  his  colour, 
sir,  and  the  way  he  looks  out  of  his  'air  !  He  answers  to  the  name 
of  Mop,  sir,  in  consekvence  of  the  length  of  his  'air ;  and  he's  cheap 

*  Oxford  slang  for  "  St.  Mary's  Hall.* 


84         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

as  dirt,  sir,  at  four-ten  !  It's  a  throwin'  of  him  away  at  the  price  *. 
and  I  shouldn't  do  it,  but  I've  got  more  dawgs  than  I've  room  for ; 
so  I'm  obligated  to  make  a  sacrifice.  Four-ten,  sir !  'Ad  the  dis 
temper,  and  everythink,  and  a  reg'lar  good  'un  for  the  varmin." 

His  merits  also  being  testified  to  by  Mr.  Larkyns  and  Mr.  Bouncer 
(who  was  considered  a  high  authority  in  canine  matters),  and  Verdant 
also  liking  the  quaint  appearance  of  the  dog,  Mop  eventually  be 
came  his  property,  for  "  four-ten"  minus  five  shillings,  but  plus  a 
pint  of  Buttery-beer,  which  Mr.  Lucre  always  pronounced  to  be  cus 
tomary  "  in  all  dealins  whatsum ever  atween  gentlemen."  Verdant 


ivas  highly  gratified  at  possessing  a  real  University  dog,  and  lie  pattec 
Mop,  and  said,  "  Poo  dog  !  poo  Mop !  poo  fellow  then  !"  and  thought 
what  a  pet  his  sisters  would  make  of  him  when  he  took  him  back 
aome  with  him  for  the  holi — the  Vacation  ! 

Mop  was  for  following  Mr.  Lucre,  who  had  clumped  away  up  the 
street;  and  his  new  master  had  some  difficulty  in  keeping  him  at  hia 
heels.  By  Mr.  Bouncer's  advice,  he  at  once  took  him  over  tiie  rive* 
to  the  field  opposite  the  Christ  Church  meadows,  in  order  tu  test  hia 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  85 

rat-killing  powers  How  this  could  be  clone  out  in  the  open  country, 
our  hero  was  at  a  loss  to  know ;  but  he  discreetly  held  his  tongue,  for 
he  was  gradually  becoming  aware  that  a  freshman  in  Oxford  must 
live  to  learn,  and  that,  as  with  most  men,  experientia  docet. 

They  had  just  been  punted  over  the  river,  and  Mop  had  been 
restored  to  terra  firma,  when  Mr.  Bouncer's  remark  of  "  There's  the 
cove  that'll  do  the  trick  for  you  !"  directed  Verdant' s  attention  to  an 
individual,  who,  from  his  general  appearance,  might  have  been  first 
cousin  to  "  Filthy  Lucre,"  only  that  his  live  stock  was  of  a  different 
description.  Slung  from  his  shoulders  was  a  large  but  shallow  wire 
cage,  in  which  were  about  a  dozen  doomed  rats,  whose  futile  endea 
vours  to  make  their  escape  by  running  up  the  sides  of  their  prison 


were  regarded  with  the  most  intense  earnestness  by  a  group  of  ter 
riers,  who  gave  way  to  various  phases  of  excitement.  In  his  hand 
he  carried  a  smaller  circular  cage,  containing  two  or  three  rats  foi 
immediate  use.  On  the  receipt  of  sixpence,  one  of  these  was  libe 
rated  ;  and  a  few  yards  start  being  (sportsmanlike)  allowed,  the  specu 
lator's  terrier  was  then  let  loose,  joined  gratuitously,  after  a  short 
interval,  by  a  perfect  pack  in  full  cry,  with  a  human  chorus  of  "  Hoo 
rat !  Too  loo !  loo  dog  1"  The  rat  turned,  twisted,  doubled,  be- 


86         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

came  confused,  was  overtaken,  and,  with  one  grip  and  a  shake,  wai 
dead ;  while  the  excited  pack  returned  to  watch  and  jump  at  the 
wire  cages  until  another  doomed  prisoner  was  tossed  forth  to  them. 
Gentlemen  on  their  way  for  a  walk  were  thus  enabled  to  wile  away 
d  few  minutes  at  the  noble  sport,  and  indulge  themselves  and  their 
dogs  with  a  little  healthy  excitement ;  while  the  boating  costume  of 
other  gentlemen  showed  that  they  had  for  a  while  left  aquatic  pur« 
suits,  and  had  strolled  up  from  the  river  to  indulge  in  "  the  sports  ol 
the  fancy." 

Although  his  new  master  invested  several  sixpences  on  Mops 
behalf,  yet  that  ungrateful  animal,  being  of  a  passive  temperament  of 
mind  as  regarded  rats,  and  a  slow  movement  of  body,  in  consequence 
of  hio  long  hair  impeding  his  progress,  rather  disgraced  himself  by 
allowing  the  sport  to  be  taken  from  his  very  teeth.  But  he  still 
further  disgraced  himself,  when  he  had  been  taken  back  to  Brazen- 
face,  by  howling  all  through  the  night  in  the  cupboard  where  he  had 
been  placed,  thereby  setting  on  Mr.  Bouncer's  two  bull-terriers,  Huz 
and  Buz,  to  echo  the  sounds  with  redoubled  fury  from  their  coal-hole 
quarters ;  thus  causing  loss  of  sleep  and  a  great  outlay  of  Saxon  ex 
pletives  to  all  the  dwellers  on  the  staircase.  It  was  in  vain  that  our 
hero  got  out  of  bed  and  opened  the  cupboard- door,  and  said,  "  Poo 
Mop  !  good  dog,  then !"  it  was  in  vain  that  Mr.  Bouncer  shied  boots 
at  the  coal-hole,  and  threatened  Huz  and  Buz  with  loss  of  life ;  it 
was  in  vain  that  the  tenant  of  the  attic,  Mr.  Sloe,  who  was  a  read 
ing-man,  and  sat  up  half  the  night,  working  for  his  degree, — it  was 
in  vain  that  he  opened  his  door,  and  mildly  declared  (over  the  banis 
ters),  that  it  was  impossible  to  get  up  Aristotle  while  such  a  noise 
was  being  made ;  it  was  in  vain  that  Mr.  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke, 
whose  rooms  were  on  the  other  side  of  Verdant's,  came  and  adminis 
tered  to  Mop  severe  punishment  with  a  tandem-whip  (it  was  a 
favourite  boast  with  Mr.  Fosbrooke,  that  he  could  flick  a  fly  from  his 
leader's  ear) ;  it  was  in  vain  to  coax  Mop  with  chicken-bones :  he 
would  neither  be  bribed  nor  frightened ;  and  after  a  deceitful  lull  of 
a  few  minutes,  just  when  every  one  was  getting  to  sleep  again,  his 
melancholy  howl  would  be  raised  with  renewed  vigour,  and  Huz  and 
Buz  would  join  for  sympathy. 

"  I  tell  you  what,  Gig-lamps,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer  the  next  morn 
ing;  "  this  game  '11  never  do.  Bark's  a  very  good  thing  to  take  in 
its  proper  way,  when  you're  in  want  of  it,  and  get  it  with  port  wine  ; 
but  when  you  get  it  by  itself  and  in  too  large  doses,  it  ain't  pleasant, 
you  know.  Huz  and  Buz  are  quiet  enough,  as  long  as  they're  let 
alone  ;  and  I  should  advise  you  to  keep  Mop  down  at  Spavin's  stables, 
or  somewhere.  But  first,  just  let  rue  give  the  brute  the  hiding  he 
deserves." 


AN  OXFOKD  FRESHMAN.  87 

Poor  Mop  underwent  his  punishment  like  a  martyr ;  and  in  the 
course  of  the  day  an  arrangement  was  made  with  Mr.  Spavin  for 
Mop's  board  and  lodging  at  his  stables.  But  when  Verdant  called 
there  the  next  day,  for  the  purpose  of  taking  him  for  a  walk,  there 
was  no  Mop  to  be  found ;  taking  advantage  of  the  carelessness  01 
one  of  Mr.  Spavin's  men,  he  had  bolted  through  the  open  door,  and 
made  his  escape.  Mr.  Bouncer,  at  a  subsequent  period,  declared  thai 
he  met  Mop  in  the  company  of  a  well-known  Regent-street  fancier  • 
but,  however  that  may  be,  Mop  was  lost  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 


CHAPTER  X. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  REFORMS  HIS  TAILORS'  BILLS  AND  RUNS  Ul 
OTHERS.  HE  ALSO  APPEARS  IN  A  RAPID  ACT  OF  HORSEMANSHIP. 
AND  FINDS  ISIS  COOL  IN  SUMMER. 

THE  state  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  outward  man  had  long  offended 
Mr.  Charles  Larkyns'  more  civilised  taste ;  and  he  one  day  took  occa 
sion  delicately  to  hint  to  his  friend,  that  it  would  conduce  more  to 
his  appearance  as  an  Oxford  undergraduate,  if  he  foreswore  the  pri 
mitive  garments  that  his  country-tailor  had  condemned  him  to  wear, 
and  adapted  the  "  build  "  of  his  dress  to  the  peculiar  requirements 
of  university  fashion. 

Acting  upon  this  friendly  hint,  our  freshman  at  once  betook  him 
self  to  the  shop  where  he  had  bought  his  cap  and  gown,  and  found 
its  proprietor  making  use  of  the  invisible  soap  and  washing  his  hands 
in  the  imperceptible  water,  as  though  he  had  not  left  off  that  act  of 
imaginary  cleanliness  since  Verdant  and  his  father  had  last  seen  him. 

"  Oh,  certainly,  sir ;  an  abundant  variety,"  was  his  reply  to 
Verdant's  question,  if  he  could  show  him  any  patterns  that  were 
fashionable  in  Oxford.  "  The  greatest  stock  hout  of  London,  I  should 
say,  sir,  decidedly.  This  is  a  nice  unpretending  gentlemanly  thing, 
sir,  that  we  make  up  a  good  deal !"  and  he  spread  a  shaggy  substance 
before  the  freshman's  eyes. 

"  What  do  you  make  it  up  for  ?"  inquired  our  hero,  who  thought 
it  more  nearly  resembled  the  hide  of  his  lamented  Mop  than  any 
other  substance. 

"  Oh,  morning  garments,  sir  !  Reading  and  walking-coats,  for 
erudition  and  the  promenade,  sir !  Looks  well  with  vest  of  the  same 
material,  sprinkled  down  with  coral  currant  buttons  1  We've  somf 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


sweet  things  in  vests,  sir ;  and  some  neat,  quiet  trouserings,  that  Fa 
sure  would  give  satisfaction."     And  the  tailor  and  robe-maker,  be* 

tween  washings  with  the  invi« 

..     ^L^IUfllll't  sible  soap,  so  visibly  "  soaped* 

our  hero  in  what  is  understood 
to  be  the  shop-sense  of  the 
word,  and  so  surrounded  him 
with  a  perfect  irradiation  of 
aggressive  patterns  of  oriental 
gorgeousness,  that  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green  became  bewil 
dered,  and  finally  made  choice 
of  one  of  the  unpretending 
gentlemanly  Jt/b/?-like  coats. 
and  "  vest  and  trouserings" 
of  a  neat,  quiet,  plaid-pattern, 
in  red  and  green,  which,  he 
was  informed,  were  all  the 
rage. 

When  these  had  been  sent 
home  to  him,  together  with  a 
neck-tie  of  Oxford-blue  from 
Randall's,  and  an  immaculate 
guinea  Lincoln  -  and  -  Bennett, 
our  hero  was  delighted  with 
the  general  effect  of  the  cos 
tume  ;  and  after  calling  in  at 
the  tailor's  to  express  his  ap 
probation,  he  at  once  sallied 
forth  to  "  do  the  High,"  and  display  his  new  purchases.  A  drawn  silk 
bonnet  of  pale  lavender,  from  which  floated  some  bewitching  ringlets, 
quickly  attracted  our  hero's  attention ;  and  the  sight  of  an  arch, 
French-looking  face,  which  (to  his  short-sighted  imagination)  smiled 
upon  him  as  the  young  lady  rustled  by,  immediately  plunged  him 
into  the  depths  of  first-love.  Without  the  slightest  encouragement 
being  given  him,  he  stalked  this  little  deer  to  her  lair,  and,  after 
some  difficulty,  discovered  the  enchantress  to  be  Mademoiselle  Mous- 
lin  de  Laine,  one  of  the  presiding  goddesses  of  a  fancy  hosiery 
warehouse.  There,  for  the  next  fortnight, — until  which  immense 
period  his  ardent  passion  had  not  subsided, — our  hero  was  daily  to 
be  seen  purchasing  articles  for  which  he  had  no  earthly  use,  but 
fully  recompensed  for  his  outlay  by  the  artless  (ill-natured  people 
said,  artful)  smiles,  and  engaging,  piquant  conversation  of  made 
moiselle.  Our  hero,  when  reminded  of  this  at  a  subsequent  period 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN. 


89 


protested  that  he  had  thus  acted  merely  to  improve  his  French, 
and  only  conversed  with  mademoiselle  for  educational  purposes.  Bat 
we  have  our  doubts.  Credat  Judceus! 

About  this  time  also 
our  hero  laid  the  nest- 
eggs  for  a  very  promis 
ing  brood  of  bills,  by 
acquiring  an  expensive 
habit  of  strolling  into 
shops,  and  purchasing 
"  an  extensive  assort 
ment  of  articles  of  every 
description,'"  for  no  other 
consideration  than  that 
he  should  not  be  called 
upon  to  pay  for  them 
until  he  had  taken  his 
degree.  He  also  deco 
rated  the  walls  of  his 
rooms  with  choice  spe 
cimens  of  engravings : 
for  the  turning  over  of 
portfolios  at  Eyman's, 
and  Wyatt's,  usually 
leads  to  the  eventual 

turning  over  of  a  considerable  amount  of  cash ;  and  our  hero  had 
not  yet  become  acquainted  with  the  cheaper  circulating-system  of 
pictures,  which  gives  you  a  fresh  set  every  term,  and  passes  on 
your  old  ones  to  some  other  subscriber.  But,  in  the  mean  time, 
it  is  very  delightful,  when  you  admire  any  thing,  to  be  able  to 
say,  "  Send  that  to  my  room  1"  and  to  be  obsequiously  obeyed,  "  no 
questions  asked,"  and  no  payment  demanded ;  and  as  for  the  future, 
why — as  Mr.  Larkyns  observed,  as  they  strolled  down  the  High — 
"  I  suppose  the  bills  will  come  in  some  day  or  other,  but  the  governor 
will  see  to  them  ;  and  though  he  may  grumble  and  pull  a  long  face, 
yet  he'll  only  be  too  glad  you've  got  your  degree,  and,  in  the  fulness 
of  his  heart,  he  will  open  his  cheque-book.  I  daresay  old  Horace 
gives  very  good  advice  when  he  says,  '  carpe  diem ;'  but  when  he 
acids,  '  quam  minimum  credula  postero,'*  about  "  not  giving  the 
least  credit  to  the  succeeding  day,"  it  is  clear  that  he  never  looked 
forward  to  the  Oxford  tradesmen  and  the  credit-system.  Do  you 
ever  read  Wordsworth,  Verdant?"  continued  Mr.  Larkyns,  ai 

•  Cor.  i.  od.  ri. 


90 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


they  stopped  at  the  corner  of  Oriel  Street,  to  look  in  at  a  spacious 
range  of  shop  windows,  that  were  crowded  with  a  costly  and  glit 
tering  profusion  of  papier  mache  articles,  statuettes,  bronzes,  glass, 
and  every  kind  of  "  fancy  goods"  that  could  be  classed  as  "  art- work 
manship." 


"  Why,  I've  not  read  mucL  of  Wordsworth  myself,"  replied  our 
hero ;  "  but  I've  heard  my  sister  Mary  read  a  great  deal  of  his 
poetry." 

"  Shows  her  taste,"  said  Charles  Larkyns.  "  Well,  this  shop 
—you  see  the  name — is  Spiers' ;  and  Wordsworth,  in  his  sonnet  to 
Oxford,  has  immortalised  him.  Don't  you  remember  the  lines  ? — 

*  0  ye  Spiers  of  Oxford  !  your  presence  overpowers 
The  soberness  of  reason  !'* 

It  was  very  queer  that  Wordsworth  should  ascribe  to  Messrs.  Spiers 

*  We  suspect  that  Mr.  Larkyns  is  a^ain  intentionally  deceiving  his  fresh 
man  friend ;  for  on  looking  into  our  Wordsworth  (Misc.  Son.  iii.  2)  we  find  that 
the  poet  does  not  refer  to  the  establishment  of  Messrs.  Spiers  and  Sou,  and  that 
the  fines,  truly  quoted,  are, 

"  0  ye  spires  of  Oxford  !  domes  and  towers ! 
Gardens  and  groves  !     Your  presence,"  fee, 

W«  bluah  for  Mr.  Larkyns ! 


AN  OXFOJ  D  FRESHMAN.  fil 

ill  the  intoxicatioi  of  ths  place;  but  diei  he  was  a  Cambridge  man, 
and  prejudiced.  Nice  shop,  though,  isn  t  it  ?  Particularly  useful, 
and  no  less  ornamental.  It's  one  of  the  greatest  lounges  of  the  place 
Let  us  go  in  and  have  a  look  at  what  Mrs.  Caudle  calls  the  articles 
of  bigotry  and  virtue." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  soon  deeply  engaged  hi  an  inspection  of 
those  papier-mache  "  remembrances  of  Oxford"  for  which  the  Messrs. 
Spiers  are  so  justly  famed;  but  after  turning  over  tables,  trays, 
screens,  desks,  albums,  portfolios,  and  other  things,  —  all  of  which 
displayed  views  of  Oxford  from  every  variety  of  aspect,  and  were 
executed  with  such  truth  and  perception  of  the  higher  qualities  of 
art,  that  they  formed  in  themselves  quite-;  a  small  but  gratuitous 
Academy  exhibition,  —  our  hero  became  so  confused  among  the  be 
wildering  allurements  around  him,  as  to  ffpl  quite  &ntembarras  de 
richesses,  and  to  be  in  a  state  of  mind  in  which  he  was  nearly  giving 
Mr.  Spiers  the  most  extensive  (and  expensive)  order  which  probably 
that  gentleman  had  ever  received  from.  an  undergraduate.  Fortu 
nately  for  his  purse,  his  attention  was  somewhat  distracted  by  per 
ceiving  that  Mr.  Slowcoach  was  at  his  elbow,  looking  over  ink 
stands  ami  reading-lamps,  and  also  by  Charles  Larkyns  calling  upon 
him  to  decide  whether  he  should  have  the  cigar-case  he  had  pur 
chased  emblazoned  with  the  heraldic  device  of  the  Larkyns,  or  illu 
minated  with  the  Euripidean  motto,  — 

To  ftaK^iKov  ^wpripa  Xa/3e,  tre  yap  <f>i\u>. 


WTien  this  point  had  been  decided.  Mr.  Larkyns  proposed  to  Ver 
dant  that  he  ihould  astonish  and  delight  his  governor  by  having  the 
Green  arms  emblazoned  on  a  fire-screen,  aud  taking  it  home  with 
him  as  a  gift.  "  Or  else,"  he  said,  "  order  one  with  the  garden  viev 
of  Brazenface,  and  then  they'll  have  more  satisfaction  in  looking  at 
that  than  at  one  of  those  offensive  cockatoos,  in  an  arabesque  land 
scape,  under  a  bronze  sky,  which  usually  sprawls  over  every  thing 
that  is  papier-mache.  But  you  won't  see  that  sort  of  thing  here  ; 
so  you  can't  well  go  wrong,  whatever  you  buy."  Finally,  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green  (N.B.  Mr.  Green,  senior,  would  have  eventually  to  pay 
the  bill)  ordered  a  fire-screen  *o  be  prepared  with  the  family-arms. 
as  a  present  for  his  father  ;  a  ditto,  with  the  view  of  his  college,  for 
his  mother;  a  writing-case,  with  the  High  Street  view,  for  his  aunt; 
a  netting-box,  card-case,  and  a  model  of  the  Martyrs'  Memorial,  for 
his  three  sisters;  and  having  thus  bountifully  remembered  his  family- 
circle,  he  treated  himself  with  a  modest  paper-knife,  and  was  treated 
in  return  by  Mr.  Spiers  with  a  perfect  bijou  of  art,  in  the  shape  of  "  a 
memorial  for  visitors  to  Oxford,"  in  which  the  chief  glories  of  that 


02        THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

city  were  set  forth  in  gold  and  colours,  in  the  most  attractive  form, 
and  which  our  hero  immediately  posted  off  to  the  Manor  Green. 

"  And  now,  Verdant,"  said  Mr.  Larkyns,  "  you  may  just  as  well 
get  a  hack,  and  come  for  a  ride  with  me.  You've  kept  up  you* 
riding,  of  course." 

*'  Oh,  yes — a  little !"  faltered  our  hero. 

Now,  the  reader  may  perhaps  rememher,  that  in  an  early  part  of 
our  veracious  chronicle  we  hinted  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  eques 
trian  performances  were  but  of  a  humble  character.  They  were,  in 
fact,  limited  to  an  occasional  ride  with  his  sisters  when  they  required 
a  cavalier;  but  on  these  occasions,  the  old  cob,  which  Verdant  called 
his  own,  was  warranted  not  to  kick,  or  plunge,  or  start,  or  do  any 
thing  derogatory  to  its  age  and  infirmities.  So  that  Charles  Larkyns' 
proposition  caused  him  slme  little  nervous  agitation ;  nevertheless,  as 
he  was  ashamed  to  confess  his  fears,  he,  in  a  moment  of  weakness, 
consented  to  accompany  his  friend. 

"  We'll  go  to  Symonds',"  said  Mr.  Larkyns;  "  I  keep  my  hack 
there  ;  and  you  can  depend  upon  having  a  good  one." 

So  they  made  their  way  to  Holywell  Street,  and  turned  under  a 
gateway,  and  up  a  paved  yard,  to  the  stables.  The  upper  part  of  the 
yard  was  littered  down  with  straw,  and  covered  in  by  a  light,  open 
roof;  and  in  the  stables  there  was  accommodation  for  a  hundred  horses. 
At  the  back  of  the  stables,  and  separated  from  the  Wadham  Gardens 
by  a  narrow  lane,  was  a  paddock ;  and  here  they  found  Mr.  Fos- 
brooke,  and  one  or  two  of  his  friends,  inspecting  the  leaping  abilities 
ef  a  fine  hunter,  which  one  of  the  stable-boys  was  taking  backwards 
and  forwards  over  the  hurdles  and  fences  erected  for  that  purpose. 

The  horses  were  soon  ready,  and  Verdant  summoned  up  enough 
courage  to  say,  with  the  Count  in  Mazeppa,  "  Bring  forth  the  steed !" 
And  when  the  steed  was  brought,  in  all  the  exuberance  of  (literally) 
animal  spirits,  he  felt  that  he  was  about  to  be  another  Mazeppa,  and 
perform  feats  on  the  back  of  a  wild  horse  ;  and  he  could  not  help 
saying  to  the  ostler,  "  He  looks  rather — vicious,  I'm  afraid !" 

"  Wicious,  sir,"  replied  the  groom ;  "  bless  you,  sir!  she's  as  sweet- 
tempered  as  any  young  ooman  you  ever  paid  your  intentions  to. 
The  mare's  as  quiet  a  mare  as  was  ever  crossed ;  this  ere's  ony  her 
pky  at  comin'  fresh  out  of  the  stable  !" 

Verdant,  however,  had  a  presentiment  that  the  play  would  soon 
become  earnest ;  but  he  seated  himself  in  the  saddle  (after  a  short 
delirious  dance  on  one  toe),  and  in  a  state  of  extreme  agitation,  not 
to  say  perspiration,  proceeded  at  a  walk,  by  Mr.  Larkyns'  side,  up 
Holywell  Street.  Here  the  mare,  who  doubtless  soon  understood 
what  sort  of  rider  she  had  got  on  her  back,  began  to  be  more  de« 
monstrative  of  the  "  fresh"ness  of  her  animal  spirits.  Broad  Street 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN. 


93 


was  scarcely  broad  enough  to  contain  the  series  of  tableaux  vivantt 
and  heraldic  attitudes  that  she  assumed.  "  Don't  pull  the  curb-rein 
so  !"  shouted  Charles  Larkyns  ;  but  Verdant  was  in  far  too  dreadful 
a  state  of  mind  to  understand  what  he  said,  or  even  to  know  which 
was  the  curb  -  rein  ; 
and  after  convulsively 
clutching  at  the  mane 
and  the  pommel,  in  his 
endeavours  to  keep  his 
seat,  he  first  "  lost  his 
head,"  and  then  his  seat, 
and  ignominiously  glid 
ing  ever  the  mare's  tail, 
found  that  his  lodging 
was  on  the  cold  ground. 
Relieved  of  her  burden, 
the  mare  quietly  trotted 
back  to  her  stables; 
while  Verdant,  finding 
himself  unhurt,  got  up, 
replaced  his  hat  and 
spectacles,  and  regis 
tered  a  mental  vow 
never  to  mount  an  Ox 
ford  hack  again. 

"  Never    mind,    old 
fellow !"    said   Charles 

Larkyns,  consolingly ;  "  these  little  accidents  will  opcur,  you  know, 
even  with  the  best-regulated  riders !  There  were  not  more  than  a 
dozen  ladies  saw  you,  though  you  certainly  made  very  creditable 
exertions  to  ride  over  one  or  two  of  them.  Well !  if  you  say  you 
won't  go  back  to  Symonds',  and  get  another  hack,  I  must  go  xm 
solus ;  but  I  shall  see  you  at  the  Bump-supper  to-night !  I  got  old 
Blades  to  ask  you  to  it.  I'm  going  now  in  search  of  an  appetite, 
and  I  should  advise  you  to  take  a  turn  round  the  Parks  and  do  the 
same.  Au  reservoir  /" 

So  our  hero,  after  he  had  compensated  the  livery-stable  keeper, 
followed  his  friend's  advice,  and  strolled  round  the  neatly-kept 
potato-gardens  denominated  "  the  Parks,"  looking  in  vain  for  the 
deer  that  have  never  been  there,  and  finding  them  represented  only 
by  nursery-maids  and — others. 

Mr.  Blades,  familiarly  known  as  "  old  Blades"  and  "  Billy,"  was 
a  gentleman  who  was  fashioned  somewhat  after  the  model  of  the 


94         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

torso  of  Hercules ;  and,  as  Stroke  of  the  Brazenface  boat,  was  held  ia 
high  estimation,  not  only  by  the  men  of  his  own  college,  but  also  by 
the  boating  men  of  the  University  at  large.  His  University  existence 
seemed  to  be  engaged  in  one  long  struggle,  the  end  and  aim  of  which 
was  to  place  the  Brazenface  boat  in  that  envied  position  known  in 
aquatic  anatomy  as  "  the  head  of  the  river ;"  and  in  this  struggle 
all  Mr.  Blades'  energies  of  mind  .and  body, — though  particularly  oj 
body, — were  engaged.  Not  a  freshman  was  allowed  to  enter  Brazen- 
face,  but  immediately  Mr.  Blades'  eye  was  upon  him ;  and  if  the  ex 
pansion  of  the  upper  part  of  his  coat  and  waistcoat  denoted  that  his 
muscular  development  of  chest  and  arms  was  of  a  kind  that  might 
be  serviceable  to  the  great  object  aforesaid — the  placing  of  the  Bra 
zenface  boat  at  the  head  of  the  river, — then  Mr.  Blades  came  and 
made  flattering  proposals  to  the  new-comer  to  assist  in  the  great 
work.  But  he  was  also  indefatigable,  as  secretary  to  his  college 
club,  in  seeking  out  all  freshmen,  even  if  their  thews  and  sinews  were 
not  muscular  models,  and  inducing  them  to  aid  the  glorious  cause  by 
becoming  members  of  the  club.  A  Bump-supper, — that  is,  0  ye  unin- 


itiated  !  a  supper  to  commemorate  the  fact  of  the  boat  of  one  college 
having,  in  the  annual  races,  bumped,  or  touched  the  boat  of  another 
college  immediately  in  its  front,  thereby  gaining  a  place  towards  the 
bead  of  the  river, — a  Bump-supper  was  a  famous  opportunity  for  dis 
covering  both  the  rowing  and  paying  capabilities  of  freshmc  n,  who, 
in  the  enthusiasm  of  the  moment,  would  put  down  their  two  or  threi 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  96 

guineas,  and  at  once  propose  their  names  to  be  enrolled  as  member* 
at  the  next  meeting  of  the  club. 

And  thus  it  was  with  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who,  before  the  evenr 
ing  was  over,  found  that  he  had  not  only  given  in  his  name  ("  pro 
posed  by  Charles  Larkyns,  Esq.,  seconded  by  Henry  Bouncer,  Esq."), 
but  that  a  desire  was  burning  within  his  breast  to  distinguish  himselj 
in  aquatic  pursuits.  Scarcely  any  thing  else  was  talked  of  during  the 
whole  evening  but  the  prospective  chances  of  Brazenface  bumping 
Balliol  and  Brasenose,  and  thereby  getting  to  the  head  of  the  river. 
It  was  also  mysteriously  whispered,  that  Worcester  and  Christ  Church 
were  doing  well,  and  might  prove  formidable ;  and  that  Exeter,  Lin 
coln,  and  Wadham  were  very  shady,  and  not  doing  the  things  that 
were  expected  of  them.  Great  excitement  too  was  caused  by  the 
announcement,  that  the  Balliol  stroke  had  knocked  up,  or  knocked 
down,  or  done  something  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green  concluded  he 
ought  not  to  have  done  ;  and  that  the  Brazenose  bow  had  been  seen 
with  a  cigar  in  his  mouth,  and  also  eating  pastry  in  Hall, — things 
shocking  in  themselves,  and  quite  contrary  to  all  training  principles. 
Then  there  were  anticipations  of  Henley ;  and  criticisms  on  the  new 
eight  out-rigger  that  Searle  was  laying  down  for  the  University  crew , 
and  comparisons  between  somebody's  stroke  and  somebody  else's 
spurt ;  and  a  good  deal  of  reference  to  Clasper  and  Coombes,  and 
Newall  and  Pococke,  who  mighi  have  been  heathen  deities  for  all 
that  our  hero  knew,  and  from  the  manner  in  which  they  were  men 
tioned. 

The  aquatic  desires  that  were  now  burning  in  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  breast  could  only  be  put  out  by  the  water ;  so  to  the  river 
ae  next  day  went,  and,  by  Charles  Larkyns'  advice,  made  his  first 
essay  in  a  "  tub"  from  Hall's.  Being  a  complete  novice  with  the 
oars,  our  hero  had  no  sooner  pulled  off  his  coat  and  given  a  pull,  than 
he  succeeded  in  catching  a  tremendous  "  crab,"  the  effect  of  which 
was  to  throw  him  backwards,  and  almost  to  upset  the  boat.  Fortu 
nately,  however,  "  tubs"  recover  their  equilibrium  almost  as  easily  as 
tombolas,  and  "the  Sylph"  did  not  belie  its  character;  so  the  fresh 
man  again  assumed  a  proper  position,  and  was  shoved  off  with  a  boat- 
hook.  At  first  he  made  some  hopeless  splashes  in  the  stream,  the 
only  effect  of  which  was  to  make  the  boat  turn  with  a  circular  move 
ment  towards  Folly  Bridge ;  but  Charles  Larkyns  at  once  came  to 
the  rescue  with  the  simple  but  energetic  compendium  of  boating  in 
struction,  "  Put  your  oar  in  deep,  and  bring  it  out  with  a  jerk !" 

Bearing  this  in  mind,  our  hero's  efforts  met  with  well-merited 
success ;  and  he  soon  passed  that  mansion  which,  instead  of  cellars, 
appears  to  have  an  ingenious  system  of  small  rivers  to  thoroughly 
irrigate  its  foundations.  One  by  one,  too,  he  passed  those  house- 


86  THE  ADVENTHIES  OF  MR    VEREANl  3REEN, 

boats  which  are  more  like  the  Noah's  arks  of  ;oy-shops  than  any 
thing  else,  and  sometimes   contain  quite  as  original  a  mixture  ol 


animal  specimens.  Warming  with  his  exertions,  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
passed  the  University  barge  in  great  style,  just  as  the  eight  was  pre 
paring  to  start ;  and  though  he  was  not  able  to  "  feather  his  oara 
with  skill  and  dexterity,"  like  the  jolly  young  waterman  in  the  song, 
yet  his  sleight-of-hand  performances  with  them  proved  nut  only  a 
source  of  great  satisfaction  to  the  crews  on  the  river,  but  also  to  the 
promenaders  on  the  shore. 

He  had  left  the  Christ  Church  meadows  far  behind,  and  was  be 
ginning  to  feel  slightly  exhausted  by  his  unwonted  exertions,  when 
he  reached  that  bewildering  part  of  the  river  termed  "  the  Gut."  So 
confusing  were  the  intestine  commotions  of  this  gut,  that,  after  passing 
a  chequered  existence  as  an  aquatic  shuttlecock,  and  being  assailed 
with  a  slang- dictionary-full,  of  opprobrious  epithets,  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  caught  another  tremendous  crab,  and  before  he  could  recover 
himself,  the  "  tub"  received  a  shock,  and,  with  a  loud  cry  of  "  Boat 
ahead !"  ringing  in  his  ears,  the  University  Eight  passed  over  the 
place  where  he  and  "  the  Sylph"  had  so  lately  disported  themselves. 

With  the  wind  nearly  knocked  out  of  his  body  by  the  blade  of 
the  bow-oar  striking  him  on  the  chest  as  he  rose  to  the  surface,  our 
unfortunate  hero  was  immediately  dragged  from  the  water,  in  a  con 
dition  like  that  of  the  child  in  The  Stranger  (the  only  joke,  by  the 
way,  in  that  most  dreary  play)  "  not  dead,  but  very  wet !"  and  forth 
with  placed  in  safety  in  his  deliverer's  boat. 

"  Hallo,  Gig-lamps !  who  the  doose  had  thought  of  seeing  you 
hare,  devouring  Isis  in  this  expensive  way  !"  said  a  voice  very  coolly 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  97 

And  our  hero  found  that  he  had  been  rescued  by  little  Mr.  Bouncer, 
who  had  been  tacking  up  the  river  in  company  with  Huz  and  Buz 
and  his  meerschaum.  "  You  have  been  and  gone  and  done  it  now, 
young  man  !"  continued  the  vivacious  little  gentleman,  as  he  surveyed 
our  hero's  draggled  and  forlorn  condition.  "  If  you'd  only  a  comb 
and  a  glass  in  your  hand,  you'd  look  distressingly  like  a  cross-breed 
with  a  mermaid!  You  ain't  subject  to  the  whatdyecallems — the 
rheumatics,  are  you  ?  Because,  if  so,  I  could  put  you  on  shore  at  a 


tidy  little  shop  where  you  can  get  a  glass  of  brandy-and-water,  and 
have  your  clothes  dried ;  and  then  mamma  won't  scold." 

"  Indeed,"  chattered  our  hero,  "  I  shall  be  very  glad  indeed  ;  for 
I  feel — rather  cold.  But  what  am  I  to  do  with  my  boat  ?" 

"  Oh,  the  Lively  Polly,  or  whatever  her  name  is,  will  find  her 
way  back  safe  enough.  There  are  plenty  of  boatmen  on  the  river 
who'll  see  -to  her  and  take  her  back  to  her  owner  ;  and  if  you  got 
her  from  Hall's,  I  daresay  shell  dream  that  she's  dreamt  in  marble 
halls,  like  you  did,  Gig-tamps,  that  night  at  Smalls',  when  you  got 
wet  in  rather  a  more  lively  style  than  you've  done  to-day.  Now  I'll 
tack  you  up  to  that  little  shop  I  told  you  of." 

So  there  our  hero  wus  put  on  shore,  and  Mr.  Bouncer  made  fog* 
5 


98 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


his  boat  and  accompanied  him  ;  and  did  not  leave  him  until  Le  hafl 
seen  him  between  the  blankets,  drinking  a  glass  of  hot  brandy- and- 
water,  the  while  his  clothes  were  smoking  before  the  fire. 

This  little  adventure  (for  a  time  at  least)  checked  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  aspirations  to  distinguish  himself  on  the  river ;  and  he  there 
fore  renounced  the  sweets  of  the  Isis,  and  contented  himself  by  prac 
tising  with  a  punt  on  the  Cherwell.  There,  after  repeatedly  over 
balancing  himself  in  the  most  suicidal  manner,  he  at  length  peacefully 
settled  down  into  the  lounging  blissfulness  of  a  "  Cherwell  water- 


lily  ;"  and  on  the  hot  days,  among  those  gentlemen  who  had  moored 
iheir  punts  underneath  the  overhanging  boughs  of  the  willows  and 
limes,  and  beneath  their  cool  shade  were  lying,  in  dolcefar  niente 
fashion,  with  their  legs  up  and  a  weed  in  their  mouth,  reading  the 
last  new  novel,  or  some  less  immaculate  work, — among  these  gentle 
men  might  haply  have  been  discerned  the  form  and  spectacles  of  Mr. 
Verdant  Green. 


AH  OXFORD  FRESHMAlf. 


CHAPTER  XI. 

MB.  VERDANT  GREEN'S  SPORTS  AND  PASTIMES. 

ARCHERY  was  all  the  fashion  at  Brazenface.  They  had  as  fine  a 
lawn  for  it  as  the  Trinity  men  had ;  and  all  day  long  there  wa* 
somebody  to  be  seen  making  holes  in  the  targets,  and  endeavouring 
to  realise  the  pose  of  the  Apollo  Belvidere  ;— rather  a  difficult  thing 
to  do,  when  you  come  to  wear  plaid  trousers  and  shaggy  coats.  As 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  felt  desirous  not  only  to  uphold  all  the  institu 
tions  of  the  University,  but  also  to  make  himself  acquainted  with 
the  sports  and  pastimes  of  the  place,  he  forthwith  joined  the  Archery 
and  Cricket  Clubs.  He  at  once  inspected  the  manufactures  of  Muir 
and  Buchanan ;  and  after  selecting  from  their  stores  a  fancy-wood 
bow,  with  arrows,  belt,  quiver,  guard,  tips,  tassels,  and  grease-pot, 
he  felt  himself  to  be  duly  prepared  to  represent  the  Toxophilite  cha 
racter.  But  the  sustaining  it  was  a  more  difficult  thing  than  he  had 
conceived  ;  for  although  he  thought  that  it  would  be  next  to  impos 
sible  to  miss  a  shot 
when  the  target  was  so 
large,  and  the  arrow 
went  so  easily  from  the 
bow,  yet  our  hero  soon 
discovered  that  even  in 
the  first  steps  of  arch 
ery  there  was  some 
thing  to  be  learnt,  and 
that  the  mere  stringing 
of  his  bow  was  a  per 
formance  attended  with 
considerable  difficulty. 
It  was  always  slipping 
from  his  instep,  or  twist 
ing  the  wrong  way,  or 
threatening  to  snap  in 
sunder,  or  refusing  to 
allow  his  fingers  to  slip  -^ 
the  knot,  or  doing  some 
thing  that  was  dread 
fully  uncomfortable,  and  productive  of  perspiration;  and  two  01 
three  times  he  was  reduced  to  the  abject  necessity  of  Asking  hii 
friends  to  string  his  bow  for 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


But  when  he  had 
tered  this  slight  difficulty,  h* 
found  that  the  arrows  (to  use 
Mr.  Bouncer  s  phrase) "  wob 
bled,"  and  haa  a  predilec 
tion  for  going  any  where  but 
into  the  target,  notwithstand 
ing  its  size;  and  unfortu 
nately  one  went  into  the  body 
of  the  Honourable  Mr.  Stor- 
mer  s  favourite  Skye  terrier, 
though,  thanks  to  its  shaggy 
coat  and  the  bluntness  of 
the  arrow,  it  did  not  do  a 
great  amount  of  mischief; 
nevertheless,  the  vials  ol 
Mr.  Stormers  wrath  were 
outpoured  upon  Mr.  Ver- 

_  dant  Green's  head ;  and  such 

epea  pteroenta  followed  the 

ringed  arrow,  that  our  hero  became  alarmed,  and  for  the  time  for- 
~vore  archery  practice. 

As  he  had  fully  equip 
ped  himself  for  archery, 
so  also  Mr.  Verdant 
o;~— s^.^  Green  (on  the  autho- 
'-^\^  A  rity  of  Mr-  Bouncer) got 
sfe-2,  himself  UP  for  cricket 
regardless  of  expense ; 
and  he  made  his  first 
appearance  in  the  field 
in  a  straw  hat  with  blue 
ribbon,  mid  "flannels," 
and  spiked  shoes  of  per 
fect,  propriety.  As  Mr. 
Bouncer  had  told  him 
that,  in  cricket,  attitude 
was  every  thing,  Ver- 
dant,  as  soon  a?  be  went 
in  for  his  innings,  took 
up  what  he  considered 
to  be  a  very  good  posi 
tion  at.  tlit1  wicket.  Lit 
tie  Mr.  Bouncer.  wh« 


AN  OXFOKD  FRESHMAN. 


101 


was  bowling,  delivered 
the  ball  with  a  swiftness 
that  seemed  rather  as 
tonishing  in  such  a 
small  gentleman.  The 
first  ball  was  "  wide ;" 
nevertheless,  Verdant 
(after  it  had  .passed) 
struck  at  it,  raising  his  // 
bat  high  in  the  air,  and 
bringing  it  straight  down 
to  the  ground  as  though 
it  were  an  executioner's 
axe.  The  second  ball 
was  nearer  to  the  mark ; 
but  it  came  in  with  such 
swiftness,  that,  as  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  was 
quite  new  to  round 
bowling,  it  was  rather 
too  quick  for  him,  and 
hit  him  severely  on  the ,  well,  never  mind,— on  the  trousers. 

"Hallo,  Gig-lamps  1"  shouted  the  delighted  Mr.  Bouncer,  "nu« 
thing  like  backing 
up ;  but  it's  no  use 
assuming  a  stern 
appearance;  you'll 
get  your  hand  in 
soon,  old  feller  1" 

But  Verdant 
found  that  before  he 
could  get  his  hand 
in,  the  ball  was  got 
into  his  wicket ; 
and  that  while  he 
was  preparing  for 
the  strike,  the  ball 
shot  by;  and,  as  Mr. 
Stumps,  the  wicket- 
keeper,  kindly  in 
formed  him, "  there 
was  a  row  in 
his  timber-yard." 
Thus  Verdant' s  ^ 
score  was  always  ~ 


102       THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

on  the  lucus  a  non  lucendo  principle  of  derivation,  for  not  even  to  a 
quarter  of  a  score  did  it  ever  reach  ;  and  he  felt  that  he  should 
never  rival  a  Mynn  or  be  a  Parr  with  any  one  of  the  "  All  Eng 
land"  players. 

Besides  these  out-of-door  sports,  our  hero  also  devoted  a  good 
deal  of  his  time  to  acquiring  in-door  games,  being  quickly  initiated 
into  the  mysteries  of  billiards,  and  plunging  headlong  into  pool.  It 
was  in  the  billiard-room  that  Verdant  first  formed  his  acquaintance 
with  Mr.  Fluke  of  Christ  Church,  well  known  to  be  the  best  player 
in  the  University,  and  who,  if  report  spoke  truly,  always  made  his 


five  hundred  a  year  by  his  skill  in  the  game.  Mr.  Fluke  kindly  put 
our  hero  "  into  the  way  to  become  a  player ;"  and  Verdant  soon  found 
the  apprenticeship  was  attended  with  rather  heavy  fees. 

At  the  wine-parties  also  that  he  attended  he  became  rather  a 
greater  adept  at  cards  than  he  had  formerly  been.  "  Van  John" 
was  .the  favourite  game  ;  and  he  was  not  long  in  discovering  that 
staking  shillings  and  half-crowns,  instead  of  counters  and  "  fish,"  and 
going  odds  on  the  colours,  and  losing  five  pounds  before  he  was  aware 
of  it,  was  a  very  different  thing  to  playing  vingt-et-un  at  home  with 
his  sisters  for  "  love" — (though  perhaps  cards  afford  the  only  way 
in  which  young  ladies  at  twenty-one  will  play  for  love). 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN. 


ioa 


In  returning  to 
Brazenface  late  from 
these  parties,  our  hero 
was  sometimes  fright 
fully  alarmed  by  sud 
denly  finding  himself 
face  to  face  with  a 
dreadful  apparition, 
to  which,  by  constant 
familiarity,  he  gradu 
ally  became  accus 
tomed,  and  learned 
to  look  upon  as  the 
proctor  with  his  mar 
shal  and  bull-dogs. 
At  lirst,  too,  he  was 
on  such  occasions 
greatly  alarmed  at 
finding  the  gates  of 
Brazenface  closed, 


104 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


obliging  him  thereby  to  "  knock-in ;"  and  not  only  did  he 
to  the  porter  for  troubling  him  to  open  the  wicket,  but  he  also  vo 
lunteered  elaborate  explanations  of  the  reasons  that  had  kept  him  out 
after  time, — explanations  that  were  not  received  in  the  spirit  with 
which  they  were  tendered.  When  our  freshman  became  aware  of 
the  mysteries  of  a  gate-bill,  he  felt  more  at  his  ease. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  learned  many  things  during  his  freshman's 
term,  and,  among  others,  he  discovered  that  the  quiet  retirement  of 
college-rooms,  of  which  he  had  heard  so  much,  was  in  many  cases  an 
unsubstantial  idea,  founded  on  imagination,  and  built  up  by  fancy. 
One  day  that  he  had  been  writing  a  letter  in  Mr.  Smalls'  rooms, 
which  were  on  the  ground-floor,  Verdant  congratulated  himself  that  his 

own  rooms  were  on  the  third  floor, 
and  were  thus  removed  from  the 
possibility  of  his  friends,  when  he 
had  sported  his  oak,  being  able  to 
get  through  his  window  to  "  chaff" 
him;  but  he  soon  discovered  that 
rooms  upstairs  had  also  objection 
able  points  in  their  private  charac 
ter,  and  were  not  altogether  such 
eligible  apartments  as  he  had  at  first 
anticipated.  First  there  was  the 
getting  up  and  down  the  dislocated 
staircase,  a  feat  which  at  night  was 
sometimes  attended  with  difficulty. 

Then,  when  he  had  accomplished  this  feat,  there  was  no  way  of 
escaping  from  the  noise  of  his  neighbours.  Mr.  Sloe,  the  reading- 
man  in  the  garret  above,  was  one  of  those  abominable  nuisances,  a 
peripatetic  student,  who  "  got  up"  every  sub 
ject  by  pacing  up  and  down  his  limited  apart 
ment,  and,  like  the  sentry,  "walked  his  dreary 
round''  at  unseasonable  hours  of  the  night, 
at  which  time  could  be  plainly  heard  the 
wretched  chuckle,  and  crackings  of  knuckles 
(Mr.  Sloe's  way  of  expressing  intense  delight), 
with  which  he  welcomed  some  miserable  joke 
of  Aristophanes,  painfully  elaborated  by  the 
help  of  Liddell-and-Scott ;  or  the  disgustingly 
sonorous  way  in  which  he  declaimed  his  Greek 
choruses.  This  was  bad  enough  at  night, 
but  in  the  day-time  there  was  a  still  greater 
nuisance.  The  rooms  immediately  beneath 
Verdant'g  were  possessed  by  a  gentleman  whose  musical  powers  wen 


\ 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  10| 

of  an  unusually  limited  description,  but  who,  unfortunately  for  hit 
neighbours,  possessed  the  idea  that  the  cornet-k-piston  was  a  beautiful 
instrument  for  pic-nics,  races,  boating-parties,  and  other  long-vaca 
tion  amusements,  and  sedulously  practised  "  In  my  cottage  near  a 
wood,"  "  Away  with  melancholy,"  and 
other  airs  of  a  lively  character,  in  a  dole 
ful  and  distracted  way,  that  would  have 
fully  justified  his  immediate  homicide,  or, 
at  any  rate,  the  confiscation  of  his  offend 
ing  instrument. 

Then,  on  the  one  side  of  Verdant's 
room,  was  Mr.  Bouncer,  sounding  his 
octaves,  and  M  going  the  complete  uni 
corn;"  and  his  bull-terriers,  Huz  and 
Buz,  all  and  each  of  whom  were  of  a 
restless  and  loud  temperament:  while, 
on  the  other  side,  were  Mr.  Four-in-hand 
Fosbrooke's  rooms,  in  which  fencing,  box 
ing,  single-stick,  and  other  violent  sports  were  gone  through,  with 
a  great  expenditure  of  "  Sa-ha !  sa-ha  ! "  and  stampings.  Verdant 
was  sometimes  induced  to  go  in,  and  never  could  sufficiently  admire 
the  way  in  which  men  could  be  rapped  with  single-sticks  without 
crying  out  or  flinching ;  for  it  made  him  almost  sore  even  to  look 
at  them.  Mr.  Blades,  the  stroke,  was  a  frequent  visitor  there,  and 
developed  his  muscles  in  the  most  satisfactory  manner. 


After  many  refusals,  our  hero  was  at  length  persuaded  to  put  on 
the  gloves,  and  have  a  friendly  bout  with  Mr.  Bkdes.  The  result 
was  as  might  have  been  anticipated ;  and  Mr.  Smalls  doubtless  gave 
a  very  correct  resume  of  the  proceeding  (foi.,  as  we  have  before  said, 
be  was  thoroughly  conversant  with  the  sporting  slang  of  Tintinnabw 

5 


106 


THE  .ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


lum's  Life),  when  he  told  Verdant,  that  his  claret  had  been  repeatedly 
tapped,  his  bread-basket  walked  into,  his  day -lights  darkened,  his 
ivories  rattled,  his  nozzle  barked,  his  whisker- bed  napped  heavily, 
his  kissing-trap  countered,  his  ribs  roasted,  his  nut  spanked,  and  hi* 


whole  person  put  in  chancery,  stung,  bruised,  fibbed,  propped,  fiddled, 
slogged,  and  otherwise  ill-treated.  So  it  is  hardly  to  be  wondered 
at  if  Mr.  Verdant  Green  from  thenceforth  gave  up  boxing,  as  a 
senseless  and  ungentlemanly  amusement. 

But  while  these  pleasures  (?)  of  the  body  were  being  attended  to, 
the  recreation  of  the  mind  was  not  forgotten.  Mr.  Larkyns  had  pro 
posed  Verdant's  name  at  the  Union ;  and,  to  that  gentleman's  great 
satisfaction,  he  was  not  black-balled.  He  daily,  therefore,  frequented 
•he  reading-room,  and  made  a  point  of  looking  through  all  the  maga- 
•tines  and  newspapers ;  while  he  felt  quite  a  pride  in  sitting  in  luxu 
rious  state  apstairs,  writing  his  letters  to  the  home  department  on  the 
very  best  note-paper,  and  sealing  them  extensively  with  "  the  Oxford 
Union"  seal ;  though  he  could  not  at  first  be  persuaded  that  trusting 
his  letters  to  a  wire  closet  was  at  all  a  safe  system  of  postage. 

He  also  attended  the  Debates,  which  were  then  held  in  the  long 
room  behind  Wyatt's;  and  he  was  particularly  charmed  with  the 
manner  in  which  vital  questions,  that  (as  he  learned  from  the  news 
papers)  had  proved  stumbling-blocks  to  the  greatest  statesmen  of  thfc 
land,  were  rapidly  solved  by  the  embryo  statesmen  of  the  Oxford 
Union.  It  was  quite  a  sight,  in  that  long  picture-room,  to  see  the 
rows  of  light  iron  seats  densely  crowded  with  young  men — some  of 
whom  weald  perhaps  rise  to  be  Cannings,  or  Peels,  or  Gladstones,— 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  1Q7 

and  to  hear  how  one  beardless  gentleman  would  call  another  beardless 
gentleman  his  "  honourable  friend,"  and  appeal  "  to  the  sense  of  the 
House,"  and  address  himself  to  "Mr.  Speaker;"  and  how  they  would 
all  juggle  the  same  tricks  of  rhetoric  as  their  fathers  were  doing  it 
certain  other  debates  in  a  certain  other  House.  And  it  was  curious, 
too,  to  mark  the  points  of  resemblance  between  the  two  Houses ;  and 
how  the  smaller  one  had,  on  its  smaller  scale,  its  Hume,  and  its  Lord 
John,  and  its  "Dizzy ;"  and  how  they  went  through  the  same  tra 
ditional  forms,  and  preserved  the  same  time-honoured  ideas,  and  de 
bated  in  the  fullest  houses,  with  the  greatest  spirit  and  the  greatest 
length,  on  such  points  as,  "  What  course  is  it  advisable  for  this  coun 
try  to  take  in  regard  to  the  government  of  its  Indian  possessions,  and 
the  imprisonment  of  Mr.  Jones  by  the  Rajah  of  Humbugpoopoonah  ?" 
Indeed,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  so  excited  by  this  interesting  debate 
that  on  the  third  night  of  its  adjournment  he  rose  to  address  the  House ; 
but  being  "no  orator  as  Brutus  is,"  his  few  broken  words  were  received 
with  laughter,  and  the  honourable  gentleman  was  coughed  down. 

Our  hero  had,  as  an  Oxford  freshman,  to  go  through  that  cheerful 
form  called  "  sitting  in  the  schools," — a  form  which  consisted  in  the 
following  ceremony.  Through  a  door  in  the  right-hand  corner  of 
the  Schools  Quadrangle, — (Oh,  that  door  !  does  it  not  bring  a  pang 
into  your  heart  only  to  think  of  it  ?  to  remember  the  day  when  you 
went  in  there  as  pale  as  the  little  pair  of  bands  in  which  you  were 
dressed  for  your  sacrifice ;  and  came  out  all  in  a  glow  and  a  chill 
when  your  examination  was  over ;  and  posted  your  bosom-friend 
there  to  receive  from  Purdue  the  little  slip  of  paper,  and  bring  you 
the  thrilling  intelligence  that  you  had  passed ;  or  to  come  empty- 
handed,  and  say  that  you  had  been  plucked  !  Oh,  that  door !  well 
might  be  inscribed  there  the  line  which,  on  Dante's  authority,  is 
assigned  to  the  door  of  another  place, — 

"  AUL  HOPE  ABANDON,  YE  WHO  ENTER  HERE  !") 

— entering  through  this  door  in  company  with  several  other  unfor 
tunates,  our  hero  passed  between  two  galleries  through  a  passage, 
6y  which,  if  the  place  had  been  a  circus,  the  horses  would  have  en 
tered,  and  found  himself  in  a  tolerably  large  room  lighted  on  either 
side  by  windows,  and  panelled  half-way  up  the  walls.  Down  the 
centre  of  this  room  ran  a  large  green-baize-covered  table,  on  the  one 
side  of  which  were  some  eight  or  ten  miserable  beings  who  were  then 
undergoing  examination,  and  were  supplied  with  pens,  ink,  blotting- 
pad,  and  large  sheets  of  thin  "  scribble-paper,"  on  which  they  were 
struggling  to  impress  their  ideas ;  or  else  had  a  book  set  before  them, 
out  of  which  they  were  construing,  or  being  racked  with  qwstion* 
&at  touched  now  on  one  subject  and  now  OD  another,  like  a  bee 


103 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


among  flowers.  The  large  table  was  liberally  supplied  with  all  the 
apparatus  and  instruments  of  torture ;  and  on  the  other  side  of  it  sat 
the  three  examiners,  as  dreadful  and  formidable  as  the  terrible  three 
of  Venice.  At  the  upper  end  of  the  room  was  a  chair  of  state  for 
the  Vice-Chancellor,  whenever  he  deigned  to  personally  superintend 
the  torture ;  to  the  right  and  left  of  which  accommodation  was  pro* 


vided  for  other  victims.    On  the  right  hand  of  the  room  was  a  small 

311  gallery  of  two  seats  (like  those  seen  in  infant  schools) ;  and  here, 

i  the  m«  >rning  till  4  in  the  afternoon,  with  only  the  interval  of 

a  quarter  ol  an  hour  for  luncheon,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  compelled 

watch  the  proceedings,  his  perseverance  being  attested  to  by 

a  cci  which  he  received  as  a  reward  for  his  meritorious  conduct. 

If  this     sitting  m  the  schools"*  was  established  as  an  in  terror** 

for  the  spectators    it  undoubtedly  generally  had  the  desired 

and  what  with  the  misery  of  sitting  through  a  whole  day  on 

bench  with  nothing  to  do,  and  the  agony  of  seeing  your  fellow- 

rtures  plucked,  and  having  visions  of  the  same  prospective  fate  for 

elf,  the  day  on  which  the  sitting  took  place  was  usually  regarded 

•  Thk  form  hM  been  abolbhed  (1863)  under  the  r,ew  regulations. 


AN  OXFOKD  FKESHMAN. 


108 


as  one  of  those  which,  "if 'twere  done,  'twere  well  it  should  be  done 
quickly." 

As  an  appropriate  sequel  to  this  proceeding,  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
attended  the  interesting  ceremony  of  conferring  degrees  ;  where  he 
discovered  that  the  apparently  insane  promenade  of  the  proctoi 


gave  rise  to  the  name  bestowed  on  (what  Mr.  Larkyns  called)  the 
equally  insane  custom  of  "  plucking.'"*  There  too  our  hero  saw 
the  Vice-Chancellor  in  all  his  glory  ;  and  so  agreeable  were  the 
proceedings,  that  altogether  he  had  a  great  deal  of  Bliss.-j- 


*  When  the  degrees  are  conferred,  the  name  of  each  person  is  read  out 
before  he  is  presented  to  the  Vice- Chancellor.  The  proctor  then  walks  onco 
up  and  down  the  room,  so  that  any  person  who  objects  to  the  decree  being 
granted  may  signify  the  same  by  pulling  or  "  plucking"  the  proctor's  robes 
Tliis  has  been  occasionally  done  by  tradesmen,  in  order  to  obtain  payment  ol 
their  "  little  bills  ;"  but  such  a  proceeding  is  very  rare,  and  the  proctor's  pro 
menade  is  usually  undisturbed. 

f  The  Rev.  Philip  Bliss,  D.C.L.,  after  holding  the  onerous  post  of  Iiegistral 
of  the  University  for  many  years,  and  discharging  its  duties  in  a  way  that  called 
forth  the  unanimous  thanks  of  the  University,  resigned  office  in  18c3. 


no 


THE  ADVENTURES  OlT  MB.  YEEDANT  GBEBST, 


CHAPTER 

MB.  VERDANT  GEEK1  TERMINATES  HIS  EXISTENCE  AS  AN  OXFQfBU 
FRESHMAN. 

•;  BEFORE  I  go  home,"  said  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  EL  he  expelled^ 
volume  of  smoke  from  his  lips,— for  he  had  overcome  his  first  weak 
ness,  and  now  "  took  his  weed"  regularly,—"  before  I  go  home,  I 
must  see  what  I  owe  in  the  place;  for  my  father  said  he  did  not  like 
for  me  to  run  in  debt,  but  wished  me  to  settle  my  bills  terminally." 
"What,  you're  afraid  of  having  what  we  call  bill-ious  fever,  I 
suppose,  eh  ?"  laughed  Charles  Larkyns.  "  AU  exploded  ideas,  my 
dear  fellow.  They  do  very  well  in  their  way,  but  they  don't  an 
swer  ;  don't,  pay,  in  fact ;  and  the  shopkeepers  don't  like  it  either. 
By  the  way,  I^an  show  you  a  great  curiosity; — the  autograph  ol 
an  Oxford  tradesman,  very  rare  I  I  think  of  presenting  it  to  the 


Ashmolean."  And  Mr.  Larkyus  opened  his  writing-desk,  and  took 
therefrom  an  Oxford  pastrycook's  bill,  on  which  appeared  the  magic, 
word,  "  Received." 

"  Now,  there  is  one  thing,"  continued  Mr.  Larkyns,  "which  you 
really  must  do  before  you  go  down,  and  that  is  to  see  Blenheim* 
And  the  lest  thing  that  you  can  do  is  to  join  Fosbrooke  and  Bouncer 
and  me,  in  a  trap  to  Woodstock  to-morrow.  \\  e'll  go  in  good  time, 
and  make  a  day  of  it." 

Yrnhmt.  readily  agreed  to  make  one  jof  the  party;  and  the  next 
morning,  after  a  breakfast  in  Charles  Larkyns'  rooms,  they  made 
their  way  to  a  side  street  leading  out  of  Beaumont  Street,  where  the 
dog-cart  was  in  waiting.  As  it  was  drawn  by  two  horses,  placed  in 
taudein  fashion,  Mr  Fosbrooke  had  an  opportunity  of  displaying  nil 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN.  HI 

Jehu  powers;  which  he  did  to  great  advantage,  int  allowing  hia 
leader  to  rim  his  nose  into  the  cart,  and  being  enabled  to  turn  sharp 
corners  without  chipping  the  bricks,  or  running  the  wheel  up  the 
bank. 

They  reached  Woodstock  after  a  very  pleasant  ride,  and  clat 
tered  up  its  one  long  street  to  the  principal  hotel ;  but  Mr.  Fos- 
brooke  whipped  into  the  yard  to  the  left  so  rapidly,  that  our  hero, 
who  was  not  much  used  to  the  back  seat  of  a  dog-cart,  flew  off  by 
some  means  at  a  tangent  to  the  right,  and  was  consequently  degraded 
in  the  eyes  of  the  inhabitants. 


After  ordering  for  dinner  every  thing  that  the  house  was  enabled 
to  supply,  they  made  their  way  in  the  first  place  (as  it  could  only  be 
seen  between  11  and  1)  to  Blenheim  ;  the  princely  splendours  of 
which  were  not  only  costly  in  themselves,  but,  as  our  hero  soon  found, 
costly  also  to  the  sight-seer.  The  doors  in  the  suite  of  apartments 
were  all  opposite  to  each  other,  so  that,  as  a  crimson  cord  was  passed 
from  one  to  the  other,  the  spectator  was  kept  entirely  to  the  one  side 
of  the  room,  and  merely  a  glance  could  be  obtained  of  the  Raffaelle, 
the  glorious  Rubens's,*  the  Vandycks,  and  the  almost  equally  fine 
Sir  Joshuas.  But  even  the  glance  they  had  was  but  a  passing  one, 

*  Dr.  Waagen  says  that  the  Rubens  collection  at  Blenheim  is  only  surpassed 
by  the  royal  galleries  of  Munich,  Vienna,  Madrid,  and  Paris. 


112        THE  ADVENTUEES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

aa  the  sen-ant  trotted  them  through  the  rooms  with  the  rapidity  ol 
locomotion  and  explanation  of  a  Westminster  Abbey  verger  ;  and  he 
made  a  fierce  attack  on  Verdant,  who  had  lagged  behind,  and  was 
short-sightedly  peering  at  the  celebrated  "  Charles  the  First"  of  Van- 
dyck,  as  though  he  had  lingered  in  order  to  surreptitiously  appro 
priate  some  of  the  tables,  couches,  and  other  trifling  articles  that 
ornamented  the  rooms.  In  this  way  they  went  at  railroad  pace 
through  the  suite  of  rooms  and  the  library, — where  the  chief  thing 
poiiued  out  appeared  to  be  a  grease-mark  on  the  floor  made  by  some 
body  at  somebody  else's  wedding-breakfast, — and  to  the  chapel, 
where  they  admired  the  ingenuity  of  the  sparrows  and  other  birds 
that  built  about  Rysbrach's  monumental  mountain  of  marble  to  the 
memory  of  the  Duke  and  Duchess  of  Marlborough  ; — and  then  to  the 
so-called  "  Titian  room,"  (shade  of  mighty  Titian,  forgive  the  insult!) 
where  they  saw  the  Loves  of  the  Gods  represented  in  the  most. un 
loveable  manner,*  and  where  a  flunkey  lounged  lazily  at  the  door, 
and.  in  spite  of  Mr.  Bouncer's  expostulatory  "  chaff,"  demanded 
half-a-crown  for  the  sight. 

Indeed,  the  sight-seeing  at  Blenheim  seemed  to  be  a  system  of 
half-crowns.  The  first  servant  would  take  them  a  little  way,  and 
then  say,  "  I  don't  go  any  further,  sir ;  half-a-crown !"  and  hand 
them  over  to  servant  number  two,  who,  after  a  short  interval,  would 
pass  them  on  (half-a-crown!)  to  the  servant  who  showed  the  chapel 
[half-a-crown !),  who  would  forward  them  on  to  the  "  Titian"  Gallery 
(half-a-crown  11  who  would  hand  them  over  to  the  flower-garden 
(half-a-crown !),  who  would  entrust  them  to  the  rose-garden  (half-a- 
crown  ! ),  who  would  give  them  up  to  another,  who  showed  parts  of 
the  Park,  and  the  rest  of  it.  Somewhat  in  this  manner  an  Oxford 
party  sees  Blenheim  (the  present  of  the  nation)  ;  and  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  found  it  the  most  expensive  show-place  he  had  ever  seen. 

Some  of  the  Park,  however,  was  free  (though  they  were  two  or 
three  times  ordered  tc  "  get  off  the  grabs") ;  and  they  rambled  about 
um<.ng  the  noble  trees,  and  admired  the  fine  views  of  the  Hall,  and 
smoked  their  weeds,  and  became  very  pathetic  at  Rosamond's  Spring. 
They  then  came  back  into  Woodstock,  which  they  found  to  be  like 
all  Oxford  towns,  only  rather  duller  perhaps,  the  principal  signs  of 
life  k'injr  some  fowls  lazily  pecking  about  in  the  grass-grown  street, 
and  t\v.  ruts  sporting  without  fear  of  interruption  from  a  dog,  who  was 
too  much  overcome  by  the  ennui  of  the  place  to  interfere  with  them. 

*  The  ladies  alone  would  repel  one  by  their  eraunt  ugliness,  their  flesh  being 
apparent! y  composed  of  the  article  on  which  the  pictures  are  painted— leather. 
The  only  picture  net  by  "  Titian"  in  this  room  is  a  Rubens,—"  tho  Rape  ol 
Ptv.scrpn. :.-,  ••— to  soe  whicb  is  well  worth  the  half-crown  cltaraed  for  the  sight 
3f  the  others. 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN. 


113 


Mr.  Bouncer  then  led  the  way  to  an  inn,  where  the  bar  was  pre 
Bided  over  by  a  young  lady,  "  on  whom,"  he  said,  "  he  was  desper 
ately  sweet,"  and  with  whom  he  conversed  in  the  most  affable  and 
brotherly  manner,  and  for  whom  also  he  had  brought,  as  an  appro 
priate  present,  a  Book  of  Comic  Songs ;  "  for,"  said  the  little  gen 
tleman,  "  hang  it !  she's  a  girl  of  what  you  call  mind,  you  know !  and 
she's  heard  of  the  opera,  and  begun  the  piano, — though  she  don't 
get  much  time,  you  see,  for  it  in  the  bar, — and  she  sings  regular 
slap-up,  and  no  mistake  !" 

So  they  left  this  young  lady  drawing  bitter  beer  for  Mr.  Bouncer, 
and  otherwise  attending  to  her  adorer's  wants,  and  endeavoured  to 
have  a  game  of  billiards  on  a  wooden  table  that  had  no  cushions, 
with  curious  cues  that  had  no  leathers.  Slightly  failing  in  this 
difficult  game,  they  strolled  about  till  dinner-time,  when  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  became  mysteriously  lost  for  some  time,  and  was  eventually  found 
by  Charles  Larkyns  and  Mr.  Fosbrooke  in  a  glover's  shop,  where  he 
was  sitting  on  a  high  stool,  and  basking  in  the  sunshiny  smiles  of  two 
"  neat  little  glovers."  Our  hero  at  first  feigned  to  be  simply  making 


purchases  of  Woodstock  gloves  and  purses,  as  souvenirs  of  his  visit, 
and  presents  for  his  sisters  ;  but  in  the  course  of  the  evening,  being 
greatly  "  chaffed"  on  the  subject,  he  began  to  exercise  his  imagination, 
and  talk  of  the  "  great  fun"  he  had  had ;— though  what  particultil 


114       THE  ADVENTUEES  OF  ME.  VEBDANT  GKEEN, 

fun  there  may  be  in  smiling  amiably  across  a  counter  at  a  feminine 
shopkeeper  who  is  selling  you  gloves,  it  is  hard  to  say  perhaps  Dn 
Sterne  could  help  us  to  an  answer. 

They  spent  altogether  a  very  lively  day ;  and  aftei  a  rather  pro 
tracted  sitting  over  their  wine,  they  returned  to  Oxford  with  great 
hilarity,  Mr.  Bouncer's  post-horn  coming  out  with  great  effect  in  the 
stillness  of  the  moonlight  night.  Unfortunately  their  mirth  was 
somewhat  checked  when  they  had  got  as  far  as  Peyman's  Gate  ;  for 
the  proctor,  with  mistaken  kindness,  had  taken  the  trouble  to  meet 
them  there,  lest  they  should  escape  him  by  entering  Oxford  by  any 
devious  way ;  and  the  marshal  and  the  bull-dogs  were  at  the  leader's 
head  just  as  Mr.  Fosbrooke  was  triumphantly  guiding  them  through 
the  turnpike..  Verdant  gave  up  his  name  and  that  of  his  college 
with  a  thrill  of  terror,  and  nearly  fell  off  the  drag  from  fright,  when 
he  was  told  to  call  upon  the  proctor  the  next  morning. 

"Keep  your  pecker  up,  old  feller!"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  in  an 
encouraging  tone,  as  they  drove  into  Oxford,  "  and  don't  be  down  in 
the  mouth  about  a  dirty  trick  like  this.  He  won't  hurt  you  much, 
Gig-lamps!  Gate  and  chapel  you;  or  give  you  some  olcl  Greek 
party  to  write  out ;  or  send  you  down  to  your  mammy  for  a  twelve 
month  ;  or  some  little  trifle  of  that  sort.  I  only  wish  the  beggar 
would  come  up  our  staircase !  if  Huz,  and  Buz  his  brother,  didn't  do 
their  duty  by  him,  it  would  be  doosid  odd.  Now,  don't  you  go  and 
get  bad  dreams,  Gig-lamps !  because  it  don't  pay ;  and  you'll  soon  get 
used  to  these  sort  of  things :  and  what's  the  odds,  as  long  as  you're 
happy  ?  I  like  to  take  things  coolly,  I  do." 

To  judge  from  Mr.  Bouncer's  serenity,  and  the  far-from-nervoua 
manner  in  which  he  "  sounded  his  octaves,"  he  at  least  appeared  to 
be  thoroughly  used  to  "  that  sort  of  thing,"  and  doubtless  slept  as 
tranquilly  as  though  nothing  wrong  had  occurred.  But  it  was  far 
different  with  our  hero,  who  passed  a  sleepless  night  of  terror  as  to 
his  probable  fate  on  the  morrow. 

And  when  the  morrow  came,  and  he  found  himself  in  the  dreaded 
presence  of  the  constituted  authority,  armed  with  all  the  power  of  the 
law,  he  was  so  overcome,  that  he  fell  on  his  knees  and  made  an  ab- 
jcrt  spectacle  of  himself,  imploring  that  he  might  not  be  expelled, 
and  bring  down  his  father's  grey  hairs  in  the  usually  quoted  manner. 
To  his  immense  relief,  however,  he  was  treated  in  a  more  lenient 
way ;  and  as  the  term  had  nearly  expired,  his  punishment  could  not 
be  of  long  duration ;  and  as  for  the  impositions,  why,  as  Mr.  Bouncer 
laid,  ^  Ain't  there  coves  to  barberise  'em*  for  you,  Gig-lamps?" 

Thus  our  freshman  gained  experience  daily ;  so  that  by  the  end 

•  Impositions  are  often  performed  by  deputy. 


AN  OXFOED  FRESHMAN. 


115 


uf  the  term,  he  found 
that  short  as  the  time  had 
been,  it  had  been  long 
enough  for  him  to  learn 
what  Oxford  life  was  like, 
and  that  there  was  in  it 
a  great  deal  to  be  copied, 
as  well  as  some  things  to 
be  shunned.  The  fresh 
ness  he  had  so  freely 
shown  on  entering  Oxford 
had  gradually  yielded  as 
the  term  went  on  ;  and, 
when  he  had  run  hallo 
ing  the  Brazenface  boat 
all  the  way  up  from  Iffley, 
and  had  seen  Mr.  Blades 
realise  his  most  sanguine 
dreams  as  to  "  the  head 
of  the  river ;"  and  when, 
from  the  gallery  of  the  theatre,  he  had  taken  part  in  the  licensed  sa 
turnalia  of  the  Commemoration,  and  had  cheered  for  the  ladies  in 
pink  and  blue,  and  even  given  "  one  more"  for  the  very  proctor 
who  had  so  lately  interfered  with  his  liberties ;  and  when  he  had 
gone  to  a  farewell  pass-party  (which  Charles  Larkyns  did  not 
give),  and  had  assisted  in  the  other  festivities  that  usually  mark 
the  end  of  the  academical  year, — Mr.  Verdant  Green  found  him 
self  to  be  possessed  of  a  considerable  acquisition  of  knowledge  of  a 
most  miscellaneous  character;  and  on  the  authority,  and  in  the 
figurative  eastern  language  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  "  he  was  sharpened  up 
no  end,  by  being  well  rubbed  against  university  bricks.  So,  good 
by,  old  feller  !"  said  the  little  gentleman,  with  a  kind  remembrance 
of  imaginary  individuals,  "  and  give  my  love  to  Sairey  and  the  little 
uns "  And  Mr.  Bouncer  "  went  the  complete  unicorn,"  for  the  last 
time  in  that  term,  by  extemporising  a  farewell  solo  to  Verdant, 
which  was  of  such  an  agonising  character  of  execution,  that  Huz 
and  Buz  his  brother,  lifted  up  their  noses  and  howled. 

"  Which  they're  the  very  moral  of  Christyuns,  sir !"  observed 
Mrs.  Tester,  who  was  dabbing  her  curtseys  in  thankfulness  for  the 
large  amount  with  which  our  hero  had  "  tipped"  her.  "  And  has 
ears  for  moosic,  sir.  With  grateful  thanks  to  you,  sir,  for  the  same. 
And  it's  obleeged  I  feel  in  my  art.  Which  it  reelly  were  like  what 
my  own  son  would  do,  sir.  As  was  found  in  drink  for  his  rewing. 
were  took  to  the  West  Injies  for  a  sojer.  Which  he  were— 


116        THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

ugh !  oli,  oh !  Which  you  be'old  me  a  hafflicted  martyr  to  thes« 
spazzums,  sir.  And  how  I  am  to  get  through  tnein  doorin'  the 
veecation.  Without  a  bavin'  'em  eased  by  a-goiii'  to  your  cupboard, 
sir.  For  just  three  spots  o'  brandy  on  a  lump  o'  sugar,  sir.  Is  a 
summut  as  I'm  afeered  to  think  on.  Oh  !  ugh  !"  Upon  which  Mrs. 
Tester's  grief  and  spasms  so  completely  overcame  her,  that  our  hero 
presented  her  with  an  extra  half-sovereign,  wherewith  to  purchase 
the  medicine  that  was  so  peculiarly  adapted  to  her  complaint.  Mr. 
Robert  Filcher  was  also  "  tipped"  in  the  same  liberal  manner  ;  and 
our  hero  completed  his  first  term's  residence  in  Brazenface  by  estab 
lishing  himself  as  a  decided  favourite. 

Among  those  who  seemed  disposed  to  join  in  this  opinion  was  the 
Jehu  of  the  Warwickshire  coach,  who  expressed  his  conviction  to  our 
delighted  hero,  that  "  he  wos  a  young  gent  as  had  much  himproved 
hisself  since  he  tooled  him  up  to  the  'Varsity  with  his  guvnor."  To 
fully  deserve  which  high  opinion,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  tipped  for  the 
box-"eat,  smoked  more  than  was  good  for  him,  and  besides  finding  the 
»Aft/-hmaii  in  weeds,  drank  with  him  at  every  "  change"  on  the  road. 


The  carriage  met  him  at  the  appointed  place,  and  his  luggage  (no 
longer  encased  in  canvas,  after  the  manner  of  females)  was  soon  trans 
ferred  to  it ;  and  away  went  our  hero  to  the  Manor  Green,  where  he 
was  received  with  the  greatest  demonstrations  of  delight.  Restored 
to  the  bosom  of  his  family,  our  hero  was  converted  into  a  kind  of 
domestic  idol ;  while  it  was  proposed  by  Miss  Mary  Green,  seconded 
by  Miss  Fanny,  and  carried  by  unanimous  acclamation,  that  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green's  University  career  had  greatly  enhanced  his  attractions. 

The  opinion  of  the  drawing-room  was  echoed  from  the  servants' - 
hall,  the  ladies'  maid  in  particular  being  heard  freely  to  declare, 
that  "Oxford  College  bid  made  quite  a  man  of  Master  Verdant!" 

As  the  little  circumstance  on  which  she  probably  grounded  her 
encomium  had  fallen  under  the  notice  of  Miss  Virginia  Verdant,  it 
may  have  accounted  for  that  most  correct-minded  lady  being  inor« 


AN  OXFORD  FRESHMAN. 


117 


teserved  in  expressing  her  opinion 
of  her  nephew's  improvement  than 
were  the  rest  of  the  family ;  but 
she  nevertheless  thought  a  great 
deal  on  the  subject. 

"Well,  Verdant!"  said  Mr. 
Green,  after  hearing  divers  anec 
dotes  of  his  son's  college-life,  care 
fully  prepared  for  home-consump 
tion  ;  "  now  tell  us  what  you've 
learnt  in  Oxford." 

"  Why,"  replied  our  hero,  as 
he  reflected  OD  his  freshman's 
career,  "  I  have  learnt  to  think 
for  myself,  and  not  to  believe 
every  thing  that  I  hear ;  and  I 
think  I  could  fight  my  way  in 
the  world;  and  I  can  chaff  a 
cad— " 

"  Chaff  a  cad !  oh !"  groaned  Miss  Virginia  to  herself,  thinking 
it  was  something  extremely  dreadful. 


"  And  I  have  learnt  to  row — at  least,  not  quite ;    but  I  can 
smoke  a  weed — a  cigar,  you  know.     I've  learnt  that." 

"  Oh,  Verdant,  you  naughty  boy I"  said  Mrs.  Green,  with  ma- 


118        THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

ternal  fondness.     "  I  was  sadly  afraid  that  Charles  Larkjns  would 
teach  you  all  his  wicked  school  habits !" 

"  Why,  mama,"  said  Mary,  who  was  sitting  on  a  footstool  at 
her  brother's  knee,  and  spoke  up  in  defence  of  his  college  friend  j 
"  why,   mama,  all  gentlemen  smoke ;    and  of  course  Mr.   Charles 
Larkyns  and  Verdant  must  do  as  others  do.     But  I  dare  say,  Ver 
dant,  he  taught  you   more  useful  things  than  that,  did  he  not  ?" 
"  Oh,  yes,"  replied  Verdant ;   "  he  taught  me  to  grill  a  devil,  " 
"  Grill  a  devil !"  groaned  Miss  Virginia.  "  Infatuated  young  man  !*' 
"  And  to  make  shandy-gaff  and  sherry-cobbler,  and  brew  bishop 
and  egg-flip :  oh,  its  capital !  I'll  teach  you  how  to  make  it ;  and 
we'll  have  some  to-night !" 

And  thus  the  young  gentleman  astonished  his  family  with  the 
extent  of  his  learning,  and  proved  how  a  youth  of  ordinary  natural 
attainments  may  acquire  other  knowledge  in  his  University  career 
than  what  simply  pertains  to  classical  literature. 

And  so  much  experience  had  our  hero  gained  during  his  fresh> 
man's  term,  that  when  the  pleasures  of  the  Long  Vacation  were  at 
an  end,  and  he  had  returned  to  Brazenface,  with  his  firm  and  fast 
friend  Charles  Larkyns,  he  felt  himself  entitled  to  assume  a  patronis 
ing  air  to  the  freshmen  who  then  entered,  and  even  sought  to  impoee 
upon  their  credulity  in  ways  which  his  own  personal  experience  sug- 


It  was  clear  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  made  his  farewell  bo* 
aa  an  Oxford  Freshman. 


THE    FURTHER   ADVENTURES 


OP 


MR.    VERDANT    GREEN 

PART     II. 


CHAPTER  I. 

MB.    VERDANT    GREEN    RECOMMENCES     HIS   EXISTENCE   AS   AH 
OXFORD     UNDERGRADUATE. 

HE  intelligent  reader — which 
epithet  I  take  to  be  a  synonym 
for  every  one  who  has  perused 
the  first  part  of  the  Adven 
tures  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green, 
— will  remember  the  state 
ment,  that  the  hero  of  the 
narrative  "  had  gained  so 
much  experience  during  his 
Freshman's  term,  that,  when 
the  pleasures  of  the  Long 
Vacation  were  at  an  end,  and 
he  had  returned  to  Brazenface 
with  his  firm  and  fast  friend  Charles  Larkyns,  he  felt  himself 
entitled  to  assume  a  patronising  air  to  the  Freshmen,  who  then 
entered,  and  even  sought  to  impose  upon  their  credulity  in 
ways  which  his  own  personal  experience  suggested."  And  the 
intelligent  reader  will  further  call  to  mind  the  fact  that  the 
first  part  of  these  memoirs  concluded  with  the  words — "  it  was 
clear  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  made  his  farewell  bow  as  an 
Oxford  Freshman." 

But,  although  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  of  necessity  ceased 


2     THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR  VERDANT  GREEN, 

to  be  "  a  Freshman  "  as  soon  as  he  had  entered  upon  his  second 
term  of  residence, — the  name  being  given  to  students  in  their 
first  term  only, — yet  this  necessity,  which,  as  we  all  know,  non 
fiabet  leges,  will  occasionally  prove  its  rule  by  an  exception  ;  and 
if  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  no  longer  a  Freshman  in  name,  he 
still  continued  to  be  one  by  nature.  And  the  intelligent  reader 
will  perceive  when  he  comes  to  study  these  veracious  memoirs, 
that,  although  their  hero  will  no  longer  display  those  peculiarly 
virulent  symptoms  of  freshness,  which  drew  towards  him  so 
much  friendly  sympathy  during  the  earlier  part  of  his  University 
career, 'yet  that  he  will  still,  by  his  innocent  simplicity  and 
credulity,  occasionally  evidence  the  truth  of  the  Horatian 
maxim, — 

"  Quo  semel  est  imbuta  recens,  servabit  odorem 
Testa  diu  ;"* 

which,  when  Smart-\y  translated,  means,  "  A  cask  will  long 
preserve  the  flavour,  with  which,  when  new,  it  was  once 
impregnated ; "  and  which,  when  rendered  in  the  Saxon  vulgate, 
signineth,  "  What  is  bred  in  the  bone  will  come  out  in  the 
flesh." 

It  would,  indeed,  take  more  than  a  Freshman's  term, — a  two 
months'  residence  in  Oxford, — to  remove  the  simple  gaucheriea 
of  the  country  Squire's  hobbodehoy,  and  convert  the  girlish 
rjuth,  the  pupil  of  that  Nestor  of  Spinsters,  Miss  Virginia 
verdant,  into  the  MAN  whose  school  was  the  University,  whose 
Alma  Mater  was  Oxonia  herself.  We  do  not  cut  our  wise 
teeth  in  a  day ;  some  people,  indeed,  are  so  unfortunate  as 
never  to  cut  them  at  all ;  at  the  best,  two  mouths  is  but  a  brief 
space  in  which  to  get  through  this  sapient  teething  operation, 
a  short  time  in  which  to  graft  our  cutting  on  the  tree  of 
^Visdora,  more  especially  when  the  tender  plant  happens  to  be 
a  Verdant  Green.  The  golden  age  is  past  when  the  full- 
formed  goddess  of  Wisdom  sprang  from  the  brain  of  Jove 
complete  in  all  her  parts.  If  our  Vulcans  now-a-days  were  to 
trepan  the  heads  of  our  Jupiters,  they  would  find  nothing  in 
them !  In  these  degenerate  times  it  will  take  more  than  one 
splitting  headache  to  produce  our  wisdom. 

So  it  was  with  our  hero.  The  splitting  headache,  for  example, 
which  had  wound  up  the  pleasures  of  Mr.  Small's  "quiet 
party,"  had  taught  him  that  the  good  things  of  this  life  were 
not  given  to  be  abused,  and  that  he  could  not  exceed  the  boundi 
of  temperance  andf  mo  deration  without  being  made  to  pay  the 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  8 

penalty  of  the  trespass.  It  had  taught  him  that  kind  of 
wisdom  which  even  "  makes  fools  wise ; "  for  it  had  taught  him 
Experience.  And  yet,  it  was  but  a  portion  of  that  lesson  of 
Experience  which  it  is  sometimes  so  hard  to  learn,  but  which, 
when  once  got  by  heart,  is  like  the  catechism  of  our  early 
days, — it  is  never  forgotten, — it  directs  us,  it  warns  us,  it 
advises  us  ;  it  not  only  adorns  the  tale  of  our  life,  but  it  points 
the  moral  which  may  bring  that  tale  to  a  happy  and  peaceful 
end. 

Experience !  Experience !  "What  will  it  not  do  ?  It  is  a 
staff  which  will  help  us  on  when  we  are  jostled  by  the  designing 
crowds  of  our  Vanity  Fair.  It  is  a  telescope  that  will  reveal 
to  us  the  dark  spots  on  what  seemed  to  be  a  fair  face.  It  is  & 
finger-post  to  show  us  whither  the  crooked  paths  of  worldly 
ways  will  lead  us.  It  is  a  scar  that  tells  of  the  wound  which 
the  soldier  has  received  in  the  battle  of  life.  It  is  a  light 
house  that  warns  us  off  those  hidden  rocks  and  quicksands 
where  the  wrecks  of  long  past  joys  that  once  smiled  so  fairly, 
and  were  loved  so  dearly,  now  lie  buried  in  all  their  ghastliness, 
stripped  of  grace  and  beauty,  things  to  shudder  at  and  dread. 
Experience !  Why,  even  Alma  Mater's  doctors  prescribe  it  to 
be  taken  in  the  largest  quantities!  "Experientia — dose  it!" 
they  say  :  and  very  largely  some  of  us  have  to  pay  for  the  dose. 
Put  the  dose  does  us  good ;  and  (for  it  is  an  allopathic  remedy), 
the  greater  the  dose,  the  greater  is  the  benefit  to  be  derived. 

The  two  months'  allopathic  dose  of  Experience,  which  had 
been  administered  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  chiefly  through  the 
agency  of  those  skilful  professors,  Messrs.  Larkyns,  Fosbrooke, 
Smalls,  and  Bouncer,  had  been  so  far  beneficial  to  him,  that,  in 
the  figurative  Eastern  language  of  the  last-named  gentleman,  he 
had  not  only  been  "  sharpened  up  no  end  by  being  well  rubbed 
against  University  bricks,"  but  he  had,  moreover,  "become  so 
considerably  wide-awake,  that  he  would  very  soon  be  able  to  take 
the  shine  out  of  the  old  original  Weazel,  whom  the  pages  of 
History  had  recorded  as  never  having  been  discovered  in  a  state 
of  somnolence." 

Now,  as  Mr.  Bouncer  was  a  gentleman  of  considerable  expe 
rience  and  was,  too,  (although  addicted  to  expressions  not  to  bo 
found  in  "the  Polite  Preceptor,")  quite  free  from  the  vulgar 
labit  of  personal  flattery, — or,  as  he  thought  fit  to  express  it,  in 
tfords  which  would  have  taken  away  my  "Lord  Chesterfield's  jip- 
petite,"  buttering  a  party  to  his  face  in  the  cheekiest  mauner,"- 
we  may  fairly  presume,  on  this  strong  evidence,  that  Mr.  Verdant 
(rr«en  had  really  gained  a  considerable  amount  of  experienct 


4     THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEK, 

during  his   Freshman's  term,  although  there  were   still   lef> 
in  his  character  and  conduct  many  marks  of  viridity  which — 
"Time's  effacing  fingers," 

assisted  by  Mr.  Bouncer's  instructions,  would  gradually  remove 
However,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had,  at  any  rate,  ceased  to  be  "  3 
Freshman  "  in  name ;  and  had  received  that  University  promo 
tion,  which  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  commemorated  by  the 
following  affiche,  which  our  hero,  on  his  return  from  his  first 
morning  chapel  in  the  Michaelmas  term,  found  in  a  conspicuous 
position  on  his  oak. 

COMMISSION  SIGNED  BY  THE  VICE-CHANCELLOR  OF  THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  OXFOBD. 

MB.  VEBDANT  QBEEN  to  be  an  Oxford  Undergraduate,  vice  Oxford 
Freshman,  SOLD  out. 

It  is  generally  found  to  be  the  case',  that  the  youthful  Under 
graduate  first  seeks  to  prove  he  is  no  longer  a  "  Freshman," 
by  endeavouring  to  impose  on  the  credulity  of  those  young 
gentlemen  who  come  up  as  Freshmen  in  his  second  term.  And, 
in  this,  there  is  an  analogy  between  the  biped  and  the  quad 
ruped  ;  for,  the  wild,  gambolling,  schoolboy  elephant,  when  he 
has  been  brought  into  a  new  circle,  and  has  been  trained  to 
new  habits,  will  take  pleasure  in  ensnaring  and  deluding  hia 
late  companions  in  play. 

The  "  sells  "  by  which  our  hero  had  been  "  sold  out "  as  a 
Freshman,  now  formed  a  stock  in  trade  for  the  Undergraduate, 
which  his  experience  enabled  him  to  dispose  of  (with  consider 
able  interest)  to  the  most  credulous  members  of  the  generations 
of  Freshmen  who  came  up  after  him.  Perhaps  no  Freshman 
had  ever  gone  through  a  more  severe  course  of  hoaxing — to 
survive  it — than  Mr.  Verdant  Green  ;  and  yet,  by  a  system  oi 
retaliation,  only  paralleled  by  the  quadrupedal  case  of  the 
before-mentioned  elephant,  and  the  biped-beadle  case  of  the 
illustrious  Mr.  Bumble,  who  after  having  his  own  ears  boxed  by 
the  late  Mrs.  Corney,  relieved  his  feelings  by  boxing  the  ears 
of  the  small  boy  who  opened  the  gate  for  him, — our  hero  took 
the  greatest  delight  in  seeking  every  opportunity  to  play  of} 
upon  a  Freshman  some  one  of  those  numerous  hoaxes  which 
had  been  so  successfully  practised  on  nimself.  And  while,  in 
referring  to  the  early  part  of  his  University  career,  he  omitted 
all  mention  of  such  anecdotes  as  displayed  his  own  personal 
credulity  in  the  strongest  light  —  which  anecdotes  the  faith- 
fill  historian  has  thought  fit  to  record, — he,  nevertheless, 
dwelt  with  extreme  pleasure  on  the  reminiscences  of  a  fe\» 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE  6 

jK>lated  facts,  in  which  he  himself  appeared  in  the  character 
of  the  hoaxer. 

These  facts,  when  neatly  garnished  with  a  little  fiction, 
made  very  palatable  dishes  for  University  entertainment,  and 
were  served  up  by  our  hero,  when  he  went  "  down  into  the 
country,"  to  select  parties  of  relatives  andfriends  (N.B. — Females 
preferred).  On  such  occasions,  the  following  hoax  formed 
Mr.  Verdant  Green' s  piece  de  resistance. 


CHAPTEE  II. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  DOES  AS  HE  HAS  BEEN  DONE  BY 

ONE  morning,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Mr.  Bouncer  were 
lounging  in  the  venerable  gateway  of  Brazenface.  The  former 
gentleman,  being  of  an  amiable,  tame-rabbit-keeping  disposi 
tion,  was  making  himself  very  happy  by  whistling  popular  airs 
to  the  Porter's  pet  bullfinch,  who  was  laboriously  engaged  on  a 
small  tread-mill,  winding  up  his  private  supply  of  water.  Mr. 
Bouncer,  being  of  a  more  volatile  temperament,  was  amusing 
himself  by  asking  the  Porter's  opinion  on  the  foreign  policy  of 
Great  Britain,  and  by  making  very  audible  remarks  on 
the  passers-by.  His  attention  was  at  length  riveted  by  the 
•appearance  on  the  other  side  of  the  street,  of  a  modest- looking 
young  gentleman,  who  appeared  to  be  so  ill  at  ease  in  his 
frock-coat  and  "  stick-up  "  collars,  &s  to  lead  to  the  strong 
presumption  that  he  wore  those  articles  of  manly  dress  for  the 
first  time. 

"  I'll  bet  you  a  bottle  of  blacking,  Giglamps,"  said  little 
Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he  directed  our  hero's  attention  to  the  stran 
ger,  "  that  this  respected  party  is  an  intending  Freshman. 
Look  at  his  customary  suits  of  solemn  black,  as  Othello,  or 
Hamlet,  or  some  other  swell,  says  in  Shakspeare.  And,  besides 
his  black  go-to-meeting  bags,  please  to  observe,"  continued  the 
little  gentleman,  in  the  tone  of  a  wax- work  showman ;  "  please  to 
^observe  the  pecooliarity  hof  the  hair-chain,  likewise  the  straps 
of  the  period.  Look !  he's  coming  this  way.  Giglamps,  I 
vote  we  take  a  rise  out  of  the  youth.  Hem !  Good  morning,' 
Can  we  have  the  pleasure  of  assisting  you  in  anything." 

"  Yes,  sir !   thank  you,  sir,"  replied  the  youthful  stranger 


6  THE    FURTHER   ADVENTURES    OF   MR     VEfcDANT    GREEN, 

who  was  flushing  like  a  girl  up  to  the  very  roots  of  lit 
curly,  auburn  hair ;  "  perhaps,  sir,  you  can  direct  me  to  Brazen- 
face  College,  sir  P" 

"  Well,  sir  !  it's  not  at  all  improbable,  sir,  but  what  I  could, 
sir ;  "  replied  Mr.  Bouncer ;  "  but,  perhaps,  sir,  you'll  first 
favour  me  with  your  name,  and  your  business  there,  sir." 

"Certainly,  sir!"  rejoined  the  stranger;  and,  while  he 
fumbled  at  his  card-case,  the  experienced  Mr.  Bouncer  whis 
pered  to  our  hero,  "  Told  you  he  was  a  sucking  Freshman, 
Giglamps !  He  has  got  a  bran  new  card-case,  and  says  *  sir  '  at 
the  sight  of  the  academicals."  The  card  handed  to  Mr.  Bouncer, 
bore  the  name  of  "  MR.  JAMES  PUCKER  ; "  and,  in  smaller 
characters  in  the  corner  of  the  card,  were  the  words,  "  ^Brazen- 
face  College,  Oxford:' 

"  I  came,  sir,"  said  the  blushing  Mr.  Pucker,  "  to  enter  foi 
my  matriculation  examination,  and  I  wished  to  see  the  gentle- 
ican  who  will  have  to  examine  me,  sir." 

"  The  doose  you  do !  "  said  Mr.  Bouncer  sternly  ; 
"  then  young  man,  allow  me  to  say,  that  you've  regularly 
been  and  gone  and  done  it,  and  put  your  foot  in  it  most 
completely." 

"  How-ow-ow,  how,  sir?  "  stammered  the  dupe. 

"  How  ?  "  replied  Mr.  Bouncer,  still  more  sternly ;  "  do  you 
mean  to  brazen  out  your  offence  by  asking  how  ?  What  could 
have  induced  you,  sir,  to  have  had  printed  on  this  card  the 
name  of  this  College,  when  you've  not  a  prospect  of  belonging 
to  it — it  may  be  for  years,  it  may  be  for  never,  as  the  bard  says. 
You've  committed  a  most  grievous  offence  against  the  Univer 
sity  statutes,  young  gentleman  ;  and  so  this  gentleman  here — 
Mr.  Pluckem,  the  junior  examiner— will  tell  you !  "  and  with 
that,  little  Mr.  Bouncer  nudged  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who  took 
his  cue  with  astonishing  aptitude,  and  glared  through  his  glasses 
at  the  trembling  Mr.  Pucker,  who  stood  blushing,  and  bowing, 
and  heartily  repenting  that  his  school-boy  vanity  had  led  him 
to  invest  four-and-sixpence  in  "  100  cards',  and  plate,  engraved 
with  name  and  address." 

"  Put  the  cards  in  your  pocket,  sir,  and  don't  let  me  see 
them  again!"  said  our  hero  in  his  newly-confirmed  title  of 
the  junior  examiner ;  quite  rejoiced  at  the  opportunity  afforded 
him  of  proving  to  his  friend  that  he  was  no  longer  a 
Freshman. 

•''  He  forgives  you  for  the  sake  of  your  family,  young  man !  " 
said  Mr.  Bouncer  with  pathos ;  "  you've  come  to  the  right  shopj 
for  this  is  Brazenface ;  and  you've  come  just  at  the  right  tune 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  7 

lor  here  is  the  gentleman  who  will  assist  Mr.  Piuckem  in 
examining  you  ;  "  and  Mr.  Bouncer  pointed  to  Mr.  Four-in- 
hand  Fosbrooke,  who  was  coming  up  the  street  on  his  way  from 
the  Schools,  where  he  was  making  a  very  laudable  (but  as  it 
proved,  futile)  endeavour  "  to  get  through  his  smalls,"  or,  in 
other  words,  to  pass  his  Little-go  examination.  The  hoax  which 
had  been  suggested  to  the  ingenious  mind  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  was 
based  upon  the  fact  of  Mr.  Fosbrooke' s  being  properly  got-up 
for  his  sacrifice  in  a  white  tie,  and  a  pair  of  very  small  bands — • 
the  two  articles,  which,  with  the  usual  academicals,  form  the 
costume  demanded  by  Alma  Mater  of  all  her  children  when 
they  take  their  places  in  her  Schools.  And,  as  Mr.  Fosbrooke 
was  far  too  politic  a  gentleman  to  irritate  the  Examiners  by 
appearing  in  a  "  loud  "  or  sporting  costume,  he  had  carried  out 
the  idea  of  clerical  character  suggested  by  the  bands  and  choker, 
by  a  quiet,  gentlemanly  suit  of  black,  which,  he  had  fondly 
hoped,  would  have  softened  his  Examiners'  manners,  and  not 
permitted  them  to  be  brutal. 

Mr.  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke,  therefore,  to  the  unsophisti 
cated  eye  of  the  blushing  Mr.  Pucker,  presented  a  very  fine 
specimen  of  the  Examining  Tutor  ;  and  this  impression  on  Mr. 
Pucker's  mind  was  heightened  by  Mr.  Fosbrooke,  after  a  few 
minutes'  private  conversation  with  the  other  two  gentlemen, 
turning  to  him,  and  saying,  "  It  will  be  extremely  inconve 
nient  to  rne  to  examine  you  now ;  but  as  you  probably  wish  to 
return  home  as  soon  as  possible,  I  will  endeavour  to  conclude 
the  business  at  once — this  gentleman,  Mr.  Piuckem,"  pointing 
to  our  hero,  "having  kindly  promised  to  assist  me.  Mr,  Bouncer, 
will  you  have  tne  goodness  to  follow  with  the  young  gentleman 
to  my  rooms  ?  " 

Leaving  Mr.  Pucker  to  express  his  thanks  for  this  great 
kindness,  and  Mr.  Bouncer  to  plunge  him  into  the  depths  of 
trepidation  by  telling  him  terrible  stories  of  the  Examiner's 
fondness  for  rejecting  the  candidates  for  examination,  Mr.  Fos 
brooke  and  our  hero  ascended  to  the  rooms  of  the  former,  where 
they  hastily  cleared  away  cigar-boxes  and  pipes,  turned  certain 
French  pictures  with  their  faces  to  the  wall,  and  covered  over 
with  an  outspread  Times  a  regiment  of  porter  and  spirit  bottles 
which  had  just  been  smuggled  in,  and  were  drawn  up  rank-and- 
file  on  the  sofa.  Having  made  this  preparation,  and  furnished 
the  table  with  pens,  ink,  and  scribble-paper,  Mr.  Bouncer  and 
the  victim  were  admitted. 

"Take  a  seat,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Fosbrooke,  gravely;  and  Mr. 
Pucker  put  his  hat  on  the  ground,  and  sat  down  at  the  table  in 


8 


THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEK, 


a  state  of  blushing  nervousness.  "  Have  you  been  at  a  pubL« 
school  ?  " 

"Yes,  sir,"  stammered  the  victim;  "a  very  public  one,  sir  j 
it  was  a  boarding-school,  sir ;  forty  boarders,  and  thirty  day 
boys,  sir ;  I  was  a  day-boy,  sir,  and  in  the  first  class." 

"First  class  of  an  uncommon  slow  train!"  muttered  Mr. 
Bouncer. 

"  And  are  you  going  back  to  the  boarding-school  ?  "  asked 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  with  the  air  of  an  assistant  judge. 

"No,  sir,"  replied  Mr.  Pucker,  "I  have  just  done  with  it; 
quite  done  with  school,  sir,  this  last  half;  and  papa  is  going  to 
put  me  to  read  with  a  clergyman  until  it  is  time  for  me  to  come 
to  college." 

"  Eet'reshing  innocence !  "  murmured  Mr.  Bouncer ;  while 
Mr.  Fosbrooke  and  our  hero  conferred  together,  arid  hastily 
wrote  on  two  sheets  of  the  scribble-paper. 


"Now,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Fosbrooke  to  the  victim,  after  a  paper 
had  been  completed,  "let  us  see  what  your  Latin  writing  is 
like.  Have  the  goodness  to  turn  what  I  have  written  into 
Latin  ;  and  be  very  careful,  sir,"  added  Mr.  Fosbrooke,  sternly, 
'be  very  careful  that  it  is  Cicero's  Latin,  sir!  "  and  he  handed 
Mr.  Pucker  a  sheet  of  paper,  on  which  he  had  scribbled  the 
Hollowing : 

"  To  BE  TRANSLATED  INTO  PHOSE-Y  LATIN,  IN  THE  MANNER  OF 

CICERO'S  ORATIONS  AFTER  DINNER. 

If,  therefore,  any  on  your  bench,  my  luds,  or  in  this  assembly,  should 
entertain  an  opinion  that  the  proximate  parts  of  a  mellifluous  mind 


AN   OXFOBD    UNDERGRADUATE.  9 

are  for  ever  conjoined  and  unconnected,  I  submit  to  you,  my  lud^ 
that  it  will  of  necessity  follow,  that  such  clandestine  conduct  being 
a  mere  nothing, — or,  in  the  noble  language  of  our  philosophers, 
bosh, — every  individual  act  of  overt  misunderstanding  will  bring 
interminable  limits  to  the  empiricisim  of  thought,  and  will  rebound 
in  the  very  lowest  degree  to  the  credit  of  the  malefactor." 

"To  BE  TURNED  INTO  LATIN  AFTER  THE  MANNER  OF  THE  ANIMAIS 
OF  TACITUS. 

"  She  went  into  the  garden  to  cut  a  cabbage  to  make  an  apple-pie.  Just 
then,  a  great  she-bear  coming  down  the  street,  poked  its  nose  into 
the  shop-window.  '  What !  no  soap  ? '  So  he  died,  and  she  (very 
imprudently)  married  the  barber.  And  there  were  present  at  the 
wedding  the  Joblillies,  and  the  Piccannies,  and  the  Gobelitee,  and 
the  great  Panjandrum  himself,  with  the  little  button  on  top.  So 
they  all  set  to  playing  Catch-who-catch-can,  till  the  gunpowder  ran 
out  at  the  heels  of  their  boots." 

It  was  well  for  the  purposes  of  the  hoaxers  that  Mr.  Pucker's 
trepidation  prevented  him  from  making  a  calm  perusal  of  the 
paper ;  and  he  was  nervously  doing  his  best  to  turn  the  non 
sensical  English  word  bj  word  into  equally  nonsensical  Latin, 
when  his  limited  powers  of  Latin  writing  were  brought  to  a 
full  stop  by  the  untranslateable  word  "  Bosh."  As  he  could 
make  nothing  of  this,  he  wiped  the  perspiration  from  his  fore 
head,  and  gazed  appealingly  at  the  benignant  features  of  Mr. 
Verdant  Green.  The  appealing  gaze  was  answered  by  our  hero 
ordering  Mr.  Pucker  to  hand  in  his  paper  for  examination,  and 
to  endeavour  to  answer  the  questions  which  he  and  his  brother 
examiner  had  been  writing  down  for  him. 

Mr.  Pucker  took  the  two  papers  of  questions,  and  read  as 
follows : 

"  HISTORY. 
•*!.  Draw  a  historical  parallel  (after  the  manner  of  Plutarch)  between 

Hannibal  and  Annie  Laurie. 
"  2.  What  internal  evidence  does  the  Odyssey  afford,  that  Homer  sold  hid 

Trojan  war-ballads  at  three  yards  an  obolus  ? 
"8.  Show  the  strong  presumption  there  is,  that  Nox  was  the  god  of 

battles. 
"  4.  State  reasons  for  presuming  that  the  practice  of  lithography  may  bo 

traced  back  to  the  time  of  Perseus  and  the  Gorgon's  head. 
"  5,  In  what  way  were  the  shades  on  the  banks  of  the  Styx  supplied  with 
spirits  ? 

*  6.  Show  the  probability  of  the  College  Hornpipe  having  been  used  by  th« 

students  of  the  Academia  ;  and  give  passages  from  Thucydides  and 
Tennyson  in  support  of  your  answer. 

"7.  Give  a  brief  account  of  the  Roman  Emperors  who  visited  the  United 
States,  and  state  what  they  did  there. 

*  8.  Show  from  the  redundancy  of  the  word  yas  in  Sophocles,  that  ga« 

must  have  been  used  by  the  Athenians  ;  also  state,  if  the  expressior 
ol  Bdp&apoi  would  seem  to  signify  that  they  were  close  shavers. 
6* 


10    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GRKEH, 

**  9.  Show  from  the  words  '  Hoc  erat  in  votis,'    (Sat.  VI.,  Lib.  II.,)  thai 

Horace's  favourite  wine  was  hock,  and  that  he  meant  to  say  '  h« 

always  voted  for  hock.' 
*  10.  Draw  a  parallel  between  the  Children  in  the  "Wood  and  Achilles  in 

the  Styx. 
"  11.  When  it  is  stated  that  Ariadne,  being  deserted  by  Theseus,  fell  in 

love  with  Bacchus,  is  it  the  poetical  way  of  asserting  that  she  took 

to  drinking  to  drown  her  grief  1 
"12.  Name  thepHma  donnas  who  have  appeared  in  the  operas  of  Virgil 

and  Horace  since  the '  Virgilii  Opera,'   and  'Horatii  Opera'  were 

composed." 

"EUCLID,  AKITHMETIC,  and  ALGEBRA. 

"  1.    The  extremities  of  a  line  are  points.'     Prove  this  by  the  rule  of 

railways. 
"  2.  Show  the  fallacy  of  denning  an  angle,  as  '  a  worm  at  one  end  and  a  fool 

at  the  other.' 
"  3.  If  one  side  of  a  triangle  be  produced,  what  is  there  to  prevent  the 

other  two  sides  from  also  being  brought  forward  ? 
"  4.  Let  A  and  B  be  squares  having  their  respective  boundaries  in  E  and 

AV.  ends,  and  let  C  and  D  be  circles  moving  in  them ;  the  circle  D 

will  be  superior  to  the  circle  C. 
"  5.  In  equal  circles,  equal  figures  from  various  squares   will  stand  upon 

the  same  footing. 

"  6.  If  two  parts  of  a  circle  fall  out,  the  one  part  will  cut  the  other. 
"  7.  Describe  a  square  which  shall  be  larger  than  Belgrave  Square. 
"  8.  If  the  gnomon  of  a  sun-dial  be  divided  into  two  equal,  and  also  into 

two  unequal  parts,  what  would  be  its  value  ] 

"  9.  Describe  a  perpendicular  triangle  having  the  squares  of  the  semi 
circle  equal  to  half  the  extremity  between  the  points  of  section. 
*'  10.  If  an  Austrian  florin  is  worth  5.61  francs,  what  will  be  the  value  of 

Pennsylvanian  bonds  ]     Prove  by  rule-of-three  inverse. 
"11.  If  seven  horses  eat  twenty-five  acres  of  grass  in  three  days,  what 

will  be  their  condition  on  the  fourth  day  ?     Prove  by  practice. 
"lj<   If  a  coach-wheel,  6-fa  in  diameter  and  5-fr  in  circumference,  makes 

240^  revolutions  in  a  second,  how  many  men  will  it  take  to  do  the 

same  piece  of  work  in  ten  days  ? 
"  13.  Find  the  greatest  common  measure  of  a  quart  bottle  of  Oxford 

port. 

''  14.  Find  the  value  of  a  'bob,'  a  '  tanner,'  a  'joey,'  and  a  'tizzy.' 
''15.  Explain    the    common    denominators     'brick,'    'trump,'    "spoon,* 

'  muff,'  and  state  what  was  the  greatest  common   denominator   in 

the  last  term. 

"  16.  "Reduce  two  academical  years  to  their  lowest  terms. 
4  17.  lleduce  a  Christ  Church  tuft  to  the  level  of  a  Teddy  Hall  man. 
a  1&,  If  a   freshman    A    have    any    mouth    x,   and    a    bottle    of   wine 

y,    show    how     many    applications   of   x  to  y  will  place    y+y 

before  A" 

Mr.  Pucker  did  not  know  what  to  make  of  such  extraordinary 
and  unexpected  questions.  He  blushed,  attempted  to  write, 
fingered  his  curls,  tried  to  collect  his  faculties,  and  then 
appeared  to  give  himself  over  to  despair ;  whereupon  little  Mr 


AN    OXFORD    DNDEBGRADUATE.  U 

Bouncer  was  seized  with  an  immoderate  fit  of  coughing  which 
had  well  nigh  brought  the  farce  to  its  denouement. 

"  I'm  afraid,  young  gentleman,"  said  Mr.  Four-in-hand  Fos- 
brooke,  as  he  carelessly  settled  his  white  tie  and  bands,  "  I  am 
afraid,  Mr.  Pucker,  that  your  learning  is  not  yet  up  to  the 
Brazenface  standard.  We  are  particularly  cautious  about 
admitting  any  gentleman  whose  acquirements  are  not  of  the 
highest  order.  But  we  will  be  as  lenient  to  you  as  we  are  able, 
and  give  you  one  more  chance  to  retrieve  yourself.  We  will 
try  a  little  viva  voce,  Mr.  Pucker.  Perhaps,  sir,  you  will  favour 
me  with  your  opinions  on  the  Fourth  Punic  War,  and  will  also 
give  me  a  slight  sketch  of  the  constitution  of  ancient 
Heliopolis." 

Mr.  Pucker  waxed,  if  possible,  redder  and  hotter  than  before, 
he  gasped  like  a  fish  out  of  water;  and,  like  Dryden's  prince, 
"  unable  to  conceal  his  pain,"  he 

"  Sigh'd  and  look'd,  sigh'd  and  look'd, 
Sigh'd  and  look'd,  and  sigh'd  again." 

But  all  was  to  no  purpose :  he  was  unable  to  frame  an  answer 
to  Mr.  Fosbrooke's  questions. 

"  Ah,  sir,"  continued  his  tormentor,  "  I  see  that  you  will  not 
do  for  us  yet  awhile,  and  I  am  therefore  under  the  painful 
necessity  of  rejecting  you.  I  should  advise  you,  sir,  to  read 
hard  for  another  twelvemonths,  and  endeavour  to  master  those 
subjects  in  which  you  have  now  failed.  For,  a  young  man, 
Mr.  Pucker,  who  knows  nothing  about  the  Fourth  Punic  War, 
and  the  constitution  of  ancient  Heliopolis,  is  quite  unfit  to  be 
enrolled  among  the  members  of  such  a  learned  college  as 
Brazenface.  Mr.  Pluckem  quite  coincides  with  me  in  this 
decision."  (Here  Mr.  Verdant  Green  gave  a  Burleigh  nod.) 
"  We  feel  vecy  sorry  for  you,  Mr.  Pucker,  and  also  for  your 
unfortunate  family;  but  we  recommend  you  to  add  to  your 
present  stock  of  knowledge,  and  to  keep  those  visiting-cards  foi 
another  twelvemonth."  And  Mr.  Fosbrooke  and  our  hero — 
disregarding  poor  Mr.  Pucker's  entreaties  that  they  would  con 
sider  his  pa  and  ma,  and  would  please  to  matriculate  him  this 
once,  and  he  would  read  very  hard,  indeed  he  would— turned 
to  Mr.  Bouncer  and  gave  some  private  instructions,  which 
caused  that  gentleman  immediately  to  vanish,  and  seek  out 
Mr.  liobert  Filcher. 

Five  minutes  after,  that  excellent  Scout  met  the  dejected 
Mr.  Pucker  as  he  was  crossing  the  Quad  on  his  way  from  Mr, 
Fosbrooke's  rooms. 

"  Beg  your  pardon,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Filcher,  touching  his  for* 


THE    FITRTHEB  ADVENTURES   OF   MB.    VERDANT    GREEN, 


T 


head ;  for,  as  Mr.  Filcher,  after  the  manner  of  his  tribe,  nevei 
was  seen  in  a  head-covering,  he  was  unable  to  raise  his  hat  01 
cap  ;  "  beg  your  pardon,  sir !  but  was  you  a  lookin'  for  the 
party  as  examines  the  young  gents  for  their  matriekylation  ?  '' 
"  Eh  ? — no  !  I  have  just  come  from  him,"  replied  Mr. 
Pucker,  dolefully. 

"  Beg  your  pardon,  sir,"  remarked  Mr.  Filcher,  "but  his  rooms 

ain't  that  way  at  all.   Mr.  Slowcoach,  as  is  the  party  you  ought  to 

have  seed,  has  his  rooms  quite  inahopposite  direction,  sir;  and 

he's  the  honly  party  as  examines  the  matrickylatin'  gents." 

"  But  I  have  been  examined,"  observed  Mr.  Pucker,  with  the 

air  of  a  plucked  man : 
"  and  I  am  sorry  to  say 
that  I  was  rejected, 

and" 

"  I  dessay,  sir,"  inter 
rupted  Mr.  Filcher;  "but 
I  think  it's  a  'oax,  sir !  " 
"  A    what  ?  "     stam 
mered  Mr.  Pucker. 

"  A  'oax  —  a  sell ; " 
replied  the  Scout,  con- 
"I  "  fidentially.  "You  see, 
1 1  %  sir,  I  think  some  of  the 
e?\Jr  gents  have  been  makin' 
a  little  game  of  you, 
sir ;  they  often  does  with 
fresh  parties  like  you, 
sir,  that  seem  fresh  and 
hinnocent  like ;  and  I 
dessay  they've  been  makin'  believe  to  examine  you,  sir,  and  a 
pretendin'  that  you  wasn't  clever  enough.  But  they  don't 
mean  no  harm,  sir  ;  it 's  only  their  play,  bless  you !" 

Then,"  said  Mr.  Pucker,  whose  countenance  had  been 
gradually  clearing  with  every  word  the  Scout  spoke ;  "  then 
I  'm  not  really  rejected,  but  have  still  a  chance  of  passing  my 
examination  ?  " 

"Percisely  so,  sir,"  replied  Mr.  Filcher;  "and— hescuse 
me,  sir,  for  a  hintin'  of  it  to  you,— but,  if  you  would  let  me 
adwise  you,  sir,  you  wouldn't  go  for  to  mention  anythin'  about 
the  oax  to  Mr.  Slowcoach ;  he  wouldn't  be  pleased,  sir,  and 
you'd  only  get  laughed  at.  If  you  like  to  go  to  him  new,  sir, 
know  he's  in  his  rooms,  and  I  '11  show  you  the  way  there 
with  the  greatest  of  pleasure." 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE.  13 

Mr.  Pucker,  immensely  relieved  in  mind,  gladly  put  himself 
ander  the  Scout's  guidance,  and  was  admitted  into  the  presence 
of  Mr.  Slowcoach.  In  twenty  minutes  after  this  he  issued 
from  the  examining  tutor's  rooms  with  a  joyful  countenance, 
and  again  encountered  Mr.  .Robert  Filcher. 

"  Hope  you've  done  the  job  this  time,  sir,"  said  the  Scout. 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  radiant  Mr.  Pucker ;  "  and  at  two  o'clock 
I  am  to  see  the  Vice-chancellor ;  and  I  shall  be  able  \,o  come 
to  college  this  time  next  year." 

"  Werry  glad  of  it,  indeed,  sir !  "  observed  Mr.  Filcher,  with 
genuine  emotion,  and  an  eye  to  future  perquisites;  "and 
I  suppose,  sir,  you  didn't  say  a  word  about  the  'oax  ?  " 

"  Not  a  word !  "  replied  Mr.  Pucker. 

"Then,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Filcher,  with  enthusiasm,  "hexcuse 
me,  but  you're  a  trump,  sir !  And  Mr.  Fosbrooke's  compli 
ments  to  you,  sir,  and  he  '11  be  'appy  if  you  '11  come  up  into  his 
rooms,  and  take  a  glass  of  wine  after  the  fatigues  of  the  exami 
nation.  And, — hexcuse  me  again,  sir,  for  a  hintin'  of  it  to 
you,  but  of  course  you  can't  be  aweer  of  the  customs  of  the 
place,  unless  somebody  tells  you  on  'em, — I  shall  be  werry 
glad  to  drink  your  werry  good  health,  sir." 

Need  it  be  stated  that  the  blushing  Mr.  Pucker,  delirious 
with  joy  at  the  sudden  change  in  the  state  of  affairs,  and  the 
delightful  prospect  of  being  a  member  of  the  University,  not 
only  tipped  Mr.  Filcher  a  five-shilling  piece,  but  also  paid  a 
second  visit  to  Mr.  Fosbrooke's  rooms,  where  he  found  that 
gentleman  in  his  usual  costume,  and  by  him  was  introduced 
to  the  Mr.  Pluckem,  who  now  bore  the  name  of  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  ?  Need  it  be  stated  that  the  nervous  Mr.  Pucker 
blushed  and  laughed,  and  laughed  and  blushed,  while  his  two 
pseudo-examiners  took  wine  with  him  in  the  most  friendly 
manner;  Mr.  Bouncer  pronouncing  him  to  be  "an  out-and- 
outer,  and  no  mistake !  "  And  need  it  be  stated  that,  after 
this  undergraduate  display  of  hoaxing,  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
would  feel  exceedingly  offended  were  he  atill  to  be  called  "an 
Oxford  Fresuuian  ?  " 


14    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GBEEW, 


CHAPTEB    III. 

KB.    VERDANT   GREEN   ENDEAVOURS   TO   KEEP   EIS   SPIRITS     UI     Bt 
POURING    SPIRITS    DOWN. 

IT  was  the  evening  of  the  fifth  of  November;  the  day  wLich 
the  Protestant  youth  of  England  dedicate  to  the  memory  of 
that  martyr  of  gunpowder,  the  firework  Faux,  and  which  the 
youth  of  Oxford,  by  a  three  months'  anticipation  of  the 
calendar,  devote  to  the  celebration  of  those  scholastic  sports 
for  which  the  day  of  St.  Scholastica  the  Virgin  was  once  so 
famous.* 

Humour  with  its  hundred  tongues  had  spread  far  and  wide 
the  news,  that  a  more  than  ordinary  demonstration  would  be  made 
of  the  might  of  Town,  and  that  this  demonstration  would  be 
met  by  a  corresponding  increase  of  prowess  on  the  side  of 
Gown.  It  was  darkly  whispered  that  the  purlieus  of  Jericho 
would  send  forth  champions  to  the  fight.  It  was  mentioned 
that  the  Parish  of  St.  Thomas  would  be  powerfully  represented 
by  its  Bargee  lodgers.  It  was  confidently  reported  that 

*  Town  and  Gown  disturbances  are  of  considerable  antiquity.  Fuller 
and  Matthew  Paris  give  accounts  of  some  which  occurred  as  early  as  the 
year  1238.  These  disputes  not  unfrequently  terminated  fatally  to  some, 
of  the  combatants.  One  of  the  most  serious  Town  and  Gowu  rows  on 
record  took  place  on  the  day  of  St.  Scholastica  the  Virgin,  February  10th, 
1345,  when  several  lives  were  lost  on  either  side.  The  University  was  at 
that  time  in  the  Lincoln  diocese ;  and  Grostete,  the  Bishop,  placed  the 
townspeople  under  an  interdict,  from  which  they  were  not  released  till 
1357,  and  then  only  on  condition  that  the  mayor  and  sixty  of  the  chief 
burgesses  should,  on  every  anniversary  of  the  day  of  St.  Scholastica, 
attend  St.  Mary's  Church  and  offer  up  mass  for  the  souls  of  the  slain 
scholars ;  und  should  also  individually  present  an  offering  of  one  penny 
at  the  higb  altar.  They,  moreover,  paid  a  yearly  fine  of  100  marks  to  the 
University,  with  the  penalty  of  an  additional  fine  of  the  same  sum  for 
every  omission  in  attending  at  St.  Mary's.  This  continued  up  to  the  time 
of  the  Reformation,  when  it  gradually  feiliuto  abeyance.  In  the  fifteenth 
year  of  Elizabeth,  however,  the  University  asserted  their  claiui  to  all 
arrears.  The  matter  being  brought  to  trial,  it  was  decided  that  the  town 
should  continue  the  annual  fine  and  penance,  though  the  arrears  were 
forgiven.  The  fine  was  yearly  paid  on  the  10th  of  February  UP  to  our 
own  time  :  the  mayor  and  chief  burgesses  attended  at  St.  Mary's,  and 
made  the  offering  at  the  conclusion  of  the  litany,  which,  on  that  occasion, 
was  read  from  the  altar.  This  was  at  length  put  an  end  to  by  Convocation 
hi  the  year  1825. 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  18 

St.  Aldate's*  would  come  forth  in  all  its  olden  strength.  It 
was  told  as  a  fact  that  St.  Clement's  had  departed  from  the 
spirit  of  clemency,  and  was  up  in  arms.  From  an  early  hour 
of  the  evening,  the  Townsmen  had  gathered  in  threatening 
groups ;  and  their  determined  aspect,  and  words  of  chaff, 
had  told  of  the  coming  storm.  It  was  to  be  a  tremendous 
Town  and  Grown! 

The  Poet  has  forcibly  observed — 

"  Strange  that  there  should  such  diffrence  be, 
'Twixt  Tweedledum  and  Tweedledee  !" 

But  the  difference  between  Town  and  Q-own,  is  not  to  be 
classed  with  the  Tweedledum  and  Tweedledee  difference.  It  is 
something  more  than  a  mere  difference  of  two  letters.  The 
lettered  Grown  lorded  it  over  the  unlettered  Town:  the 
plebeian  Town  was  perpetually  snubbed  by  the  aristocratic 
Grown.  If  Gown  even  wished  to  associate  with  Town,  he  could 
only  do  so  under  certain  restrictions  imposed  by  the  statutes  ; 
and  Town  was  thus  made  to  feel  exceedingly  honoured  by  the 
gracious  condescension  of  Grown.  But  Town,  moreover,  main 
tained  its  existence,  that  it  might  contribute  to  the  pleasure 
and  amusements,  the  needs  and  necessities,  of  Gown.  And 
very  expensively  was  Town  occasionally  made  to  pay  for  its 
existence ;  so  expensively  indeed,  thab  if  it  had  not  been  for 
the  great  interest  which  Town  assumed  on  Gown's  account, 
the  former's  business-life  would  have  soon  failed.  But,  on 
many  accounts,  or  rather,  in  many  accounts,  Gown  was  deeply 
indebted  to  Town ;  and,  although  Gown  was  often  loth  to  own 
the  obligation,  yet  Town  never  forgot  it,  but  always  placed  it 
to  Gown's  credit.  Occasionally,  in  his  earlv  freshness,  Gown 
would  seek  to  compensate  Town  for  his  obliging  favours ;  but 
Town  would  gently  run  counter  to  this  wish,  and  preferred 
that  the  evidences  of  Gown's  friendly  intercourse  with  him 
should  accumulate,  until  he  could,  with  renewed  interest  (as  we 
understand  from  the  authority  of  an  aged  pun),  obtain  his  pay 
ments  by  Degrees. 

When  Gown  was  absent,  Town  was  miserable:  it  was  dull  ; 
it  did  nothing ;  it  lost  its  customer-y  application  to  business. 
When  Gown  returned,  there  was  no  small  change,  —the  benefit 
was  a  sovereign  one  to  Town.  Notes,  too,  passed  between 
them ;  of  which,  those  received  by  Town  were  occasionally  of 
intrinsic  value.  Town  thanked  Gown  for  these,— even  thankea 

*  Corrupted  by  Oxford  pronunciation  (which  makes  Magdalen  MaudUa 
fnto  St.  Old'*. 


16    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEK, 

him  when  his  civility  had  only  been  met  by  checks, — and 
smirked,  and  fawned,  and  nattered ;  and  Gown  patronised 
Town,  and  was  offensively  condescending.  "What  a  relief  then 
must  it  have  been  to  the  pent-up  feelings  of  Town,  when  the 
Saturnalia  of  a  Guy-Faux  day  brought  its  usual  license,  and 
Town  could  stand  up  against  Gown  and  try  a  game  of  fisti 
cuffs  !  And  if,  when  there  was  a  cry  "To  arms  !  "  we  could 
always  settle  the  dispute  in  an  English  fashion  with  those  arms 
with  which  we  have  been  supplied  by  nature,  there  would  then, 
perhaps,  be  fewer  weeping  widows  and  desolate  orphans  in  the 
world  than  there  are  just  at  \  resent. 

On  the  evening  of  the  fifth  of  November,  then,  Mr. 
Bouncer's  rooms  were  occupied  by  a  wine-party ;  and,  among; 
the  gentlemen  assembled,  we  noticed  (as  newspaper  reporters 
Bay),  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  Mr.  Charles  Larky ns,  Mr.  Fos- 
brooke,  Mr.  Smalls,  and  Mr.  Blades.  The  table  was  liberally 
supplied  with  wine ;  and  a  "  desert  at  eighteen -pence  per 
head,"  —  as  Mr.  Bouncer  would  afterwards  be  informed 
through  the  medium  of  his  confectioner's  bill  ;-r-and,  while  an 
animated  conversation  was  being  held  on  the  expected  Town 
and  Gown,  the  party  were  fortifying  themselves  for  the  emeute 
by  a  rapid  consumption  of  the  liquids  before  them.  Our  hero, 
and  some  of  the  younger  ones  of  the  party,  who  had  not  yet 
left  off  their  juvenile  likings,  were  hard  at  work  at  the  dessert 
in  that  delightful,  disregardless-of-dyspepsia  manner,  in  which 
boys  so  love  to  indulge,  even  when  they  have  passed  into 
University  men.  As  usual,  the  bouquet  of  the  wine  was  some 
what  interfered  with  by  those  narcotic  odours,  which,  to  a 
amoker,  are  as  the  gales  of  Araby  the  Blest. 

Mr.  Blades  was  conspicuous  among  the  party,  not  only  from 
his  dimensions, — or,  as  he  phrased  it,  from  "  his  breadth  of 
beam," — but  also  from  his  free-and-easy  costume.  "  To  get 
himself  into  wind,"  as  he  alleged,  Mr.' Blades  had  just  been 
knocking  the  wind  out  of  the  Honourable  Flexible  Shanks 
(youngest  son  of  the  Earl  of  Buttonhole),  a  Tuft  from  Christ 
Church,  who  had  left  his  luxurious  rooms  in  the  Canterbury 
Quad  chiefly  for  the  purpose  of  preparing  himself  for  the  forth 
coming  Town  and  Gown,  by  putting  on  the  gloves  with  his 
boating  friend.  The  bout  having  terminated  by  Mr.  Flexible 
Shanks  having  been  sent  backwards  into  a  tray  of  wine-glasses 
with  which  Mr.  Filcher  was  just  entering  the  room,  the  gloves 
were  put  aside,  and  the  combatants  had  an  amicable  set-to  at  a 
bottle  of  Carbonell's  "  Forty-four,"  which  Mr.  Bounce? 
brought  out  of  a  wine-closet  in  his  bed-room  for  their  especial 


AN    OXFOBD   UNDERGRADUATE.  H 

delectation.  Mr.  Blades,  who  was  of  opinion  that,  in  dress,  ease 
should  always  be  consulted  before  elegance,  had  not  resumed 
that  part  of  his  attire  of  which  he  had  divested  himself  for 
fistianic  purposes ;  and,  with  a  greater  display  of  linen  than  is 
usually  to  be  seen  in  society,  was  seated  comfortably  in  a 
lounging  chair,  smoking  the  pipe  of  peace.  Since  he  had 
achieved  the  proud  feat  of  placing  the  JBrazenface  boat  at  the 
head  of  the  river,  Mr.  Blades  had  gained  increased  renown, 
more  especiallv  in  his  own  college,  where  he  was  regarded  in  the 
light  of  a  tutelary  river  deity  ;  and,  as  training  was  not  going 
on,  he  was  now  enabled  to  indulge  in  a  second  glass  of  wine, 
and  also  in  the  luxury  of  a  cigar.  Mr.  Blades's  shirt-sleeves 
were  turned  up  so  as  to  display  the  anatomical  proportion  of 
his  arms  ;  and  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  with  the  grave  aspect  of  a 
doctor  feeling  a  pulse,  was  engaged  in  fingering  his  deltoid  and 
biceps  muscles,  and  in  uttering  panegyrics  on  his  friend's  torso- 
of-Hercules  condition. 

"  My  gum,  Billy  !  "  (it  must  be  observed,  en  passant,  that, 
although  the  name  given  to  Mr.  Blades  at  an  early  age  was 
Frank,  yet  that  when  he  was  not  called  "  old  Blades,"  he  was 
always  addressed  as  "Billy," — it  being  a  custom  which  has 
obtained  in  universities,  that  wrong  names  should  be  familiarly 
given  to  certain  gentlemen,  more  as  a  mark  of  friendly  intimacy 
than  of  derision  or  caprice.)  "  My  gum,  Billy  !"  observed  Mr. 
Bouncer,  "  you  're  as  hard  as  nails !  What  an  extensive 
assortment  of  muscles  you  Ve  got  on  hand, — to  say  nothing 
about  the  arms.  I  wish  I  *d  got  such  a  good  stock  in  trade 
for  our' customers  to-night;  I  'd  soon  sarve  'em  out,  and  make 
'em  sing  peccavi." 

"The  fact  is,"  said  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks,  who  was  leaning 
smoking  against  the  mantelpiece  behind  him,  "  Billy  is 
like  a  respectable  family  of  bivalves — he  is  nothing  but 
mussels." 

"  Or  like  an  old  Turk,"  joined  in  Mr.  Bouncer,  "  for  he  's  a 
regular  Mussulman." 

"  Oh  !  Shanks  !  Bouncer !  "  cried  Charles  Larkyns,  "  what 
stale  jokes !  Do  open  the  window,  somebody ,— it 's  really 
offensive." 

"  Ah  !  "  said  Mr.  Blades,  modestly,  "  you  only  just  wait 
till  Footelights  brings  the  Pet,  and  then  you'll  see  reaJ 
muscles." 

"  It  was  rather  a  good  move,"  said  Mr.  Cheke,  a  gentleman 
Commoner  of  Corpus,  who  was  lounging  in  an  easy  chan; 
smoking  a  meerschaum  through  an  elastic  tube  a  yard  long,— 


18    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"  H  was  rather  a  good  move  of  yours,  Fossy,"  he  said,  address* 
ing  himself  to  Mr.  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke,  "  to  secure  th« 
Pet's  services.  The  feller  will  do  us  some  service,  and  wiU 
astonish  the  oi  polloi  no  end." 

"  Oh!  how  prime  it  will  be,"  cried  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  in 
ecstacies  with  the  prospect  before  him,  "  to  see  the  Pet 
pitching  into  the  cads,  and  walking  into  their  small  affectioni 
with  his  one,  two,  three  !  And  don't  I  just  pity  them  when 
he  gets  them  into  Chancery!  Were  you  ever  in  Chancery, 


get 
Giglamps  ?  " 

"  No,  indeed !  "  replied  the  innocent  Mr.  Verdant  Green  ; 
"  and  I  hope  that  I  shall  always  keep  out  of  it :  lawsuits  are  so 
very  disagreeable  and  expensive." 

Mr.  Bouncer  had  only  time  to  remark  sotto  voce  to  Mr. 
Flexible  Shanks,  "  it  is  so  jolly  refreshing  to  take  a  rise  out  of 
old  Giglamps !  "  when  a  knock  at  the  oak  was  heard  ;  and,  aa 
Mr.  Bouncer  roared  out,  "Come  in!"  the  knocker  entered. 
He  was  rather  dressy  in  his  -style  of  costume,  and  wore  hia 
long  dark  hair  parted  in  the  middle.  Opening  the  door,  and 


/  riking  into  an  attitude,  he  exclaimed  in  a  theatrical  tone  and 
f  anner  :  "  Scene,  Mr.  Bouncer's  rooms  in  Brazenface  ;  in  the 
«  ntre  a  table,  at  which  Mr.  B.  and  party  are  discovered 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  16 

drinking  log-juice,  and  smoking  cabbage-leaves.  Door,  left, 
third  entrance;  enter  the  Putney  Pet.  Slow  music;  lights 
half-down."  And  standing  on  one  side,  the  speaker  motioned 
to  a  second  gentleman  to  enter  the  room. 

There  was  no  mistaking  the  profession  of  this  gentleman ; 
even  the  inexperience  of  Mr,  Verdant  Green  did  not  require 
to  be  informed  that  the  Putney  Pet  was  a  prizefighter. 
"  Bruiser ' '  was  plainly  written  in  his  personal  appearance, 
from  his  hard-featured,  low-browed,  battered,  hang-dog  face, 
to  his  thickset  frame,  and  the  powerful  muscular  development 
of  the  upper  part  of  his  person.  His  close-cropped  thatch  of 
hair  was  brushed  down  tightly  to  his  head,  but  was  permitted 
to  burst  into  the  luxuriance  of  two  small  ringlets,  which 
dangled  in  front  of  each  huge  ear,  and  were  as  carefully  curled 
and  oiled  as  though  they  had  graced  the  face  of  beauty.  The 
Pet  was  attired  in  a  dark  olive-green  cutaway  coat,  buttoned 
over  a  waistcoat  of  a  violent-coloured  plaid, — a  pair  of  white 
cord  trousers  that  fitted  tightly  to  the  leg, — and  a  white- 
spotted  blue  handkerchief,  which  was  twisted  round  a  neck 
that  might  have  served  as  a  model  for  the  Minotaur's.  In 
his  mouth,  the  Pet  cherished,  according  to  his  wont,  a  sprig  of 
parsley  ;  small  fragments  of  which  herb  he  was  accustomed  to 
chew  and  spit  out,  as  a  pleasing  relief  to  the  monotony  of 
conversation. 

The  Pet,  after  having  been  proclaimed  victor  in  more  than 
one  of  those  playfully  frolicsome  "  Frolics  of  the  Fancy,"  in 
which  nobly  born  but  ignobly-minded  "  Corinthians  "  formerly 
invested  so  much  interest  and  money,  had  at  length  matched 
his  powers  against  the  gentleman  who  bore  the  title  of  "  the 
champion  of  the  ring ;  "  but,  after  a  protracted  contest  of  two 
hours  and  a  half,  in  which  one  hundred  and  nineteen  rounds 
had  been  fought,  the  Pet's  eyes  had  been  completely  closed 
up  by  an  amusing  series  of  blows  from  the  heavy  fists  of  the 
more  skilful  champion;  and  as  the  Pet,  moreover,  was  so 
battered  and  bruised,  and  was  altogether  so  "  groggy  "  that  he 
was  barely  able  to  stand  up  to  be  knocked  down,  his  humane 
second  had  thrown  up  the  sponge  in  acknowledgment  of  his 
defeat.  But  though  unable  to  deprive  the  champion  of  his 
belt,  vet-^-as  Tintinnabulum' s  Life  informed  its  readers  on  the 
following  Sunday,  in  its  report  of  this  "  matchless  encounter,  " 
—  the  Putney  Pet  had  "  established  a  reputation ; "  and  a  re 
putation  is  a  reputation,  even  though  it  be  one  which  may 
be  offensive  to  the  nostrils.  Eetiring,  therefore,  from  the 
more  active  public  duties  of  his  profession,  he  took  unto  him 


20     THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

lelf  a  wife  and  a  beershop, — for  it  seems  to  be  a  freak  of  "  the 
Fancy,"  when  they  retire  from  one  public  line  to  go  into 
another, — and  placing  the  former  in  charge  of  the  latter,  the 
Pet  came  forth  to  the  world  as  a  "  Professor  of  the  noble  art 
of  Self-defence." 

It  was  in  this  phase  of  his  existence,  that  Mr.  Fosbrooke  had 
the  pleasure  of  forming  his  acquaintance.  Mr.  Fosbrooke  had 
received  a  card,  which  intimated  that  the  Pet  would  have  great 
pleasure  in  giving  him  "  lessons  in  the  noble  and  manly  art  of 
Self-defence,  either  at  the  gentleman's  own  residence,  or  at  the 
Pet's  spacious  Sparring  Academy,  5,  Cribb  Court,  Drury  Lane, 
which  is  fitted  up  with  every  regard  to  the  comfort  and  conve 
nience  of  his  pupils.  Gloves  are  provided.  2T.B. — Ratting 
sports  at  the  above  crib  every  evening.  Plenty  of  rats  always  on 
hand.  Use  of  the  Pit  gratis"  Mr.  Fosbrooke,  having  come 
to  the  wise  conclusion  that  every  Englishman  ought  to  know 
how  to  be  able  to  use  his  fists  in  case  of  need,  and  being  quite 
of  the  opinion  of  the  gentleman  who  said  : — "  my  son  should 
even  learn  to  box,  for  do  we  not  meet  with  imposing  toll- 
keepers,  and  insolent  cabmen  ?  and,  as  he  can't  call  them  out, 
he  should  be  able  to  knock  them  down,"  *  at  once  put  himself 
under  the  Pet's  tuition  ;  and,  as  we  have  before  seen,  still  kept 
up  his  practice  with  the  gloves,  when  he  had  got  to  his  own 
rooms  at  Brazenface. 

But  the  Pet  had  other  Oxford  pupils  than  Mr.  Fosbrooke  ; 
and  he  took  such  an  affectionate  interest  in  their  welfare,  that 
he  came  down  from  Town  two  or  three  times  in  each  term,  to 
see  if  his  pupils'  practice  had  made  them  perfect  in  the  art.  One 
of  the  Pet's  pupils,  was  the  gentleman  who  had  now  introduced 
him  to  Mr.  Bouncer's  rooms.  His  name  was  Foote,  but  he  was 
commonly  called  "  Footelights ; "  the  addition  having  been 
made  to  his  name  by  way  of  sobriquet  to  express  his  unusual 
fondness  for  the  stage,  which  amounted  to  so  great  a  passion, 
that  his  very  conversation  was  redolent  of  "  the  footlights.'1 
He  had  only  been  at  St.  John's  a  couple  of  terms,  and  Mr. 
Fosbrooke  had  picked  up  his  acquaintance  through  the  medium 
of  the  Pet,  and  had  afterwards  made  him  known  to  most  of  the 
men  who  were  now  assembled  at  Mr.  Bouncer's  wine. 

"  Tour  servant,  gents  !  "  said  the  Pet,  touching  his  forehead, 
and  making  a  scrape  with  his  leg,  by  way  of  salutation. 

"  Hullo,  Pet !  "  returned  Mr.  Bouncer ;  "  bring  yourself  to 
an  anchor,  my  man."  The  Pet  accordingly  anchored  himself 

*  "A  Bachelor  of  Arts,"  Act  L 


AN   OXFORD  UNDERGRADUATE,  2i 

by  dropping  on  to  the  edge  of  a  chair,  and  placing  h*«  nat 
underneath  it ;  while  Huz  and  Buz  smelt  suspiciously  round  his 
legs,  and  looked  at  him  with  an  expression  of  countenance  which 
bore  a  wonderful  resemblance  to  that  which  they  gazed  upon. 

"Never  mind  the  dogs;  they're  amiable  little  beggars," 
observed  Mr.  Bouncer,  "  and  they  never  bite  any  one  except  in 
play.  Now  then,  Pet,  what  sort  of  liquors  are  you  given  to  ? 
Here  are  Claret/  liquors,  Port  liquors,  Sherry  liquors,  egg-flip 
liquors,  Cup  liquors.  You  pays  your  money,  and  you  takee 
your  choice !  " 

"Well,  sir,  thankee!"  replied  the  Pet,  "  I  ain't  no  ways 
pertikler,  but  if  you  have  sich  a  thing  as  a  glass  o'  sperrits, 
I'd  prefer  that — if  not  objectionable." 

"  In  course  not,  Pet !  always  call  for  what  you  like.  We 
keep  all  sorts  of  liquors,  and  are  allowed  to  get  drunk  on 
the  premises.  Ain't  we,  IGriglamps  ? "  Firing  this  raking 
shot  as  he  passed  our  hero,  little  Mr.  Bouncer  dived  into 
the  cupboard  which  served  as  his  wine-bin,  and  brought  there 
from  two  bottles  of  brandy  and  whiskey  which  he  set  before 
the  Pet.  "  If  you  like  gin  or  rum,  or  cherry-brandy,  or  old- 
torn,  better  than  these  liquors,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  astonish 
ing  the  Pet  with  the  resources  of  a  College  wine-cellar,  "just 
say  the  word,  and  you  shall  have  them.  '  I  can  call  spirits 
from  the  vasty  deep  ; '  as  Shikspur  says.  How  will  you  take 
it,  Pet  ?  Neat,  or  adulterated  ?  Are  you  for  caUidum  cum, 
orfriffidum  sine — for  hot-with,  or  cold- without  ?  " 

"  I  generally  takes  my  sperrits  'ot,  sir — if  not  objectionable ;  " 
replied  the  Pet  deferentially.  Whereupon  Mr.  Bo 
seizing  his  speaking-trumpet,  roared  through  it  from  the 
top  of  the  stairs,  "Rob-ert!  Eob-ert ! "  But,  as  Mr. 
Filcher  did  not  answer  the  summons,  Mr.  Bouncer  threw  up 
the  window  of  his  room,  and  bellowed  out  "Eob-ert"  in 
tones  which  must  have  been  perfectly  audible  in  the  High 
Street.  "Doose  take  the  feller,  he's  always  over  at  the 
Buttery  ; "  said  the  incensed  gentleman. 

"I'll  go  up  to  old  Sloe's  room,  and  get  his  kettle,"  said 
Mr.  Smalls  ;  "  he  teas  all  day  long  to  keep  himself  awake  for 
reading.  If  he  don't  mind,  he'll  blow  himself  up  with  hit 
gunpowder  tea  before  he  can  take  his  doable-first." 

By  the  time  Mr.  Smalls  had  re-appeared  with  the  kettle, 
Mr/Filcher  had  thought  it  prudent  to  answer  his  master's 
summons. 

"Did  you  call,  sir?"  asked  the  scout,  as  though  he  waa 
doubtful  on  that  point 


42    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"  Call ! "  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  with  great  irony  ;  "  oh,  no  oi 
course  not !  I  should  rather  think  not !  Do  you  suppose  that 
you  are  kept  here  that  parties  may  have  the  chance  of  hollering 
out  their  lungs  for  you  ?  Don't  answer  ine,  sir !  but  get  some 
hot  water,  and  some  more  glasses ;  and  be  quick  about  it." 
Mr.  Filcher  was  gone  immediately;  and,  in  three  minutes, 
everything  was  settled  to  Mr.  Bouncer's  satisfaction,  and  he 
gave  Mr.  Eilcher  farther  orders  to  bring  up  coffee  and  anchovy 


toast,  at  half-past  eight  o'clock.  "  Now,  Pet,  my  beauty ! " 
said  the  little  gentleman,  "  you  just  walk  into  the  liquors ; 
because  you've  got  some  toughish  work  before  you,  you 
knqw." 

The  Pet  did  not  require  any  pressing,  but  did  as  he  was  told  j 
and,  bestowing  a  collective  nod  on  the  company,  drank  their 
healths  with  the  prefatory  remark,  "I  looks  to-wards  you  gents!" 

"  Will  you  poke  a  smipe,  Pet  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Bouncer,  rather 
enigmatically ;  but,  as  he  at  the  same  time  placed  before  the 
Pet  a  "  yard  of  clay  "  and  a  box  of  cigars,  the  professor  of  the 
art  of  self-defence  perceived  that  he  was  asked  to  smoke  a  pipe. 

"  That's  right,  Pet !  "  said  the  Honourable  Flexible  Shanks, 
condescendingly,  as  the  prizefighter  scientifically  filled  the 
bowl  of  his  pipe ;  "  I'm  glad  to  see  you  join  us  in  a  bit  (A 
smoke.  We're  all  .Bawy-nalians  now !  " 

"Shanks,  you're  incorrigible  !"  said  Charles  Larkyns  ;  "  and 
don't  you  remember  what  the  Oxford  Parodies  say?"  and  ia 
his  clear,  rich  voice,  Mr.  Larkyns  sang  the  two  following  verses 
to  the  air  of  "  Love  not :" — 

Smoke  not,  smoke  not,  your  weeds  nor  pipes  of  clay ; 
Cigars  they  are  made  from  leaves  of  cauliflowers  j— • 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  29 

Things  that  are  doomed  no  duty  e'er  to  pay; — 
Grown,  made,  and  smoked  in  a  few  short  hours. 

Smoke  not — smoke  not ! 
Smoke  not,  smoke  not,  the  weed  you  smoke  may  change 

The  healthfulness  of  your  stomachic  tone ; 
Things  to  the  eye  grow  queer  and  passing  strange ; 
All  thoughts  seem  undefined — save  one — to  be  aloue  f 
Smoke  not — smoke  not ! 

"I  know  what  you're  thinking  about,  Griglamps,"  said  Mr, 
Bouncer,  as  Charles  Larkyns  ceased  his  parody  amid  an 
approving  clatter  of  glasses ;  "  you  were  thinking  of  your  first 
weed  on  the  night  of  Small's  quiet  party :  wer'nt  you  now,  old 
feller?  Ah,  you've  learnt  to  poke  a  smipe,  beautiful,  sinee 
then.  Pet,  here's  your  health.  I'll  give  you  a  toast  and  sra- 
fciment,  gentlemen.  May  the  Grown  give  the  Town  a  jolly  good 
hiding !  "  The  sentiment  was  received  with  great  applause,  and 
the  toast  was  drunk  with  all  the  honours,  and  followed  by  the 
customary  but  inappropriate  chorus,  "  For  he's  a  jolly  good 
fellow  !  "  without  the  singing  of  which  Mr.  Bouncer  could  not 
allow  any  toast  to  pass. 

"  How  many  cads  could  you  lick  at  once,  one  off  and  the 
other  on  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Fosbrooke  of  the  Pet,  with  the  air  of 
Boswell  when  he  wanted  to  draw  out  the  Doctor. 

"  Well,  sir,"  said  the  Pet,  with  the  modesty  of  true  genius, 
"I  wouldn't  be  pertickler  to  a  score  or  so,  as  long  as  I'd  got 
my  back  well  up  agin  some'ut,  and  could  hit  out." 

"  What  an  effective  tableau  it  would  be ! "  observed  Mr. 
Foote,  who  had  always  an  eye  to  dramatic  situations.  "  Enter 
the  Pet,  followed  by  twenty  townspeople.  First  T.P.— Yield, 
traitor !  Pet — Never!  the"  man  who  would  yield  when  ordered 
to  do  so,  is  unworthy  the  name  of  a  Pet  and  an  Englishman ! 
Floors  the  twenty  T.P.'s  one  after  the  other.  Tableau,  blue 
fire.  Why,  it  would  surpass  the  British  sailor's  broadsword 
combat  for  six,  and  bring  down  the  house." 

"Talking  of  bringing  down,"  said  Mr.  Blades,  "did  you 
remember  to  bring  down  a  cap  and  gown  for  the  Pet,  as  1  told 
you?" 

"  Well,  I  believe  those  were  the  stage  directions,"  answered 
Mr.  Foote  ;  "  but,  really,  the  wardrobe  was  so  ill  provided  that 
•>•  would  only  supply  a'  cap.  But  perhaps  that  will  do  for  a 

11  DAI* 

"  If  by  a  super  you  mean  a  supevnumerary,  Footelights,"  said 
Mr.  Cheke,  the  gentleman-commoner  of  Corpus,  "  then  the  Pet 
isn't  one.  He's  the  leading  cluiracter  of  what  you  would  call 
the  dramatis  jjersonce." 


24   THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GBEEN, 

"  True,"  replied  Mr.  Foote,  "  he's  cast  for  the  hero  ;  though 
he  will  create  a  new  role  as  the  walking-into-them  gentleman." 

"You  see,  Foofcelights,"  said  Mr.  Blades,  "  that  the  Pet  is  to 
lead  our  forces;  and  we  depend  upon  him  to  help  us  on  to 
victory:  and  we  must  put  him  into  academicals,  not  only 
because  the  town  cads  must  think  he  is  one  of  us,  but  also 
because  the  proctors  might  otherwise  deprive  us  of  his  services 
— and  old  Towzer,  the  Senior  Proctor,  in  particular,  is  sure  to 
be  all  alive.  Who's  got  an  old  gown  ?  " 

"  I  will  lend  mine  with  pleasure,"  said  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 

"  But  you'll  want  it  yourself,  said  Mr.  Blades. 

"  Why,  thank  you,"  faltered  our  hero,  "  I'd  rather,  I  think, 
keep  within  college.  I  can  see  the — the  fun — yes,  the  fun — 
from  the  window." 

"  Oh,  blow  it,  Q-iglamps!"  ejaculated  Mr.  Bouncer,  "you'll 
never  go  to  do  the  mean,  and  show  the  white  feather,  will 
you?" 

"  Music  expressive  of  trepidation,"  murmured  Mr.  Foote,  by 
way  of  parenthesis. 

"  But,"  pursued  our  hero,  apologetically,  "  there  will  be,  I 
dare  say,  a  large  crowd." 

"  A  very  powerful  caste,  no  doubt,"  observed  Mr.  Foote. 

"  And  I  may  get  my — yes,  my  spectacles  broken ;  and 
then" 

"And  then,  Giglamps,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  "why,  and  then 
you  shall  be  presented  with  another  pair  as  a  testimonial  of 
affection  from  yours  truly.  Come,  Griglamps,  don't  do  the 
mean !  a  man  of  your  standing,  and  with  a  chest  like  that !  " 
and  the  little  gentleman  sounded  on  our  hero's  shirt-front,  aa 
doctors  do  when  they  stethoscope  a  patient.  "  Come,  Gig- 
lamps,  old  feller,  you  mustn't  refuse.  You  didn't  ought  to 
was,  as  Shakspeare  says." 

"  Pardon  me  !  Not  Shakspeare,  but  Wright,  in  the  '  Green 
Bushes,' "  interrupted  Mr.  Foote,  who  was  as  painfully  anxious 
as  Mr.  Payne  Collier  himself  that  the  text  of  the  great  poet 
should  be  free  from  corruptions. 

So  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  reluctantly,  it  must  be  confessed, 
suffered  himself  to  be  persuaded  to  join  that  section  of  the 
Gown  which  was  to  be  placed  under  the  leadership  of  the 
redoubted  Pet ;  while  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  who  had  gone  up  into 
Mr.  Sloe's  rooms,  and  had  vainly  endeavoured  to  persuade  that 
gentleman  to  join  in  the  forthcoming  melee,  returned  with  an 
undergraduate's  gown,  and  forthwith  invested  the  Pet  with  it. 

"I  don't  mind  this 'ere  mortar-board,  sir,"  remarked  the 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE  26 

professor  of  the  noble  art  of  self-defence,  as  he  pointed  to  the 
academical  cap  which  surmounted  his  head,  "  I  don't  mind  the 
mortar-board,  sir  ;  but  I  shall  never  be  able  to  do  nothink  with 
this  'ere  toggery  on  my  shudders.  I  couldn't  use  my  inawleys 
no  how ! "  And  the  Pet  illustrated  his  remark  in  a  pro 
fessional  manner,  by  sparring  at  an  imaginary  opponent  in  a 
feeble  and  unscientific  fashion. 

"  But  you  can  tie  the  tail-curtain  round  your  shoulders — • 
like  this  !  "  said  Mr.  Fosbrooke,  as  he  twisted  his  own  gown 
tightly  round  him. 

But  the  Pet  had  taken  a  decided  objection  to  the  drapery : 
"  The  costume  would  interfere  with  the  action,"  as  Mr.  Foote 
remarked,  "  and  the  management  of  a  train  requires  great 
practice." 

"  You  see,  sir,"  said  the  Pet,  "  I  ain't  used  to  the  feel  of  it, 
and  I  couldn't  go  to  business  properly,  or  give  a  straight 
aosender  no  how.  But  the  mortar-board  ain't  of  so  much  con- 
sekvence."  So  a  compromise  was  made;  and  it  was  agreed 
that  the  Pet  was  to  wear  the  academicals  until  he  had  arrived 
at  the  scene  of  action,  where  he  could  then  pocket  the  gown, 
and  resume  it  on  any  alarm  of  the  Proctor's  approach. 

"  Here,  Griglamps,  old  feller !  get  a  priming  of  fighting- 
powder  ! "  said  little  Mr.  Bouncer  to  our  hero,  as  the  party 
were  on  the  point  of  sallying  forth ;  "  it  '11  make  you  hit  out 
from  your  shoulder  like  a  steam-engine  with  the  chill  oif." 
iind,  as  Mr.  Bouncer  whispered  to  Charles  Larkyns, 

"  So  he  kept  his  spirits  up 
By  pouring  spirits  down," 

Verdant — who  felt  extremely  nervous,  either  from  excitement 
jr  from  fear,  or  from  a  pleasing  mixture  of  both  sensations — 
drank  off  a  deep  draught  of  something  which  was  evidently  not 
drawn  from  Nature's  spring  or  the  college  pump ;  for  it  first 
u  ok  away  his  breath,  and  made  his  eyes  water;  and  it  next 
n  a  le  him  cough,  and  endeavour  to  choke  himself;  and  it  then 
ii  ade  his  face  flush,  and  caused  him  to  declare  that  "  the  first 
snob  who  'suited  him  should  have  a  sound  whopping." 

"  Brayvo,  Griglamps  !  "  cried  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he  patted 
him  on  the  shoulder  ;  "  come  along !  You're  the  right  sort  of 
fellow  for  a  Town  and  Gown,  after  all ! " 

1 


26    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OJT  MR.  YEBDANT 


CHAPTEE  IV.       , 

MB.    VERDANT  GREEN  DISCOVERS   THE    DIFFERENCE   BETWEEN 
TOWN    AND    GOWN, 

IT  was  ten  minutes  past  nine,  and  Tom,*  with  sonorous  voice^ 
was  ordering  all  College  gates  to  be  shut,  when  the  wine  party ; 
which  had  just  left  Mr.  Bouncer's  room,  passed  round  the  corner 
of  St.  Mary's,  and  dashed  across  the  High.  The  Town  and 
Gown  had  already  hegun. 

As  usual,  the  Town  had  taken  the  initiative ;  and,  in  a  dense 
body,  had  made  their  customary  sweep  of  the  High  Street, 
driving  all  before  them.  After  this  gallant  exploit  had  been 
accomplished  to  the  entire  satisfaction  of  the  oppidans,  the 
Town  had  separated  into  two  or  three  portions,  which  had 
betaken  themselves  to  the  most  probable  fighting  points,  and 
had  gone  where  glory  waited  them,  thirsting  for  the  blood,  or,  at 
any  rate,  for  the  bloody  noses  of  the  gowned  aristocrats.  Woi 
betide  the  luckless  gownsman,  who,  on  such  an  occasion,  ventures 
abroad  without  an  escort,  or  trusts  to  his  own  unassisted  powers 
to  defend  himself !  He  is  forthwith  pounced  upon  by  some 
score  of  valiant  Townsmen,  who  are  on  the  watch  for  these 
favourable  opportunities  for  a  display  of  their  personal  prowess, 
and  he  may  consider  himself  very  fortunate  if  he  is  able  to  get 
back  to  his  College  with  nothing  worse  than  black  eyes  and 
bruises.  It  is  so  seldom  that  the  members  of  the  Oxford 
snobocracy  have  the  privilege  afforded  them  of  using  their  fists 
on  the  faces  and  persons  of  the  members  of  the  Oxford  aris 
tocracy,  that  when  they  do  get  the  chance,  they  are  unwilling 
to  let  it  slip  through  their  fingers.  Dark  tales  have,  indeed, 
been  told,  of  solitary  and  unoffending  undergraduates  having, 
on  such  occasions,  not  only  received  a  severe  handling  from 
those  same  fingers,  but  also  having  been  afterwards,  through 
their  agency,  bound  by  their  own  leading  strings  to  the  rails  of 
the  Eadcliffe,  and  there  left  ignominiou&ly  to  struggle,  and 

*  The  great  bell  of  Christ  Church.  It  tolls  101  times  eacli  evening  at 
ten  nrinuteapast  nine  o'clock  (there  being  101  students  on  the  foundation) 
and  marks  the  time  for  the  closing  of  the  college  gates.  "  Tom  "  is  one 
of  the  lions  of  Oxford.  It  formerly  belonged  to  Oseney  Abbey,  and 
weighs  about  17,000  pounds,  being  more  than  double  tL*  weight  of 
the  great  bell  of  St.  Paul's. 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE. 


27 


shout  for  assistance.  And  darker  tales  still  have  been  told  of 
luckless  Gownsmen  having  been  borne  "  leg  and  wing  "  fashion 
to  the  very  banks  of  the  Isis,  and  there  ducked,  amidst  the 
jeers  and  taunts  of  their  persecutors.  But  such  tales  as  these 
are  of  too  dreadful  a  nature  for  the  conversation  of  Gownsmen, 
and  are  very  properly  believed  to  be  myths  scandalously 
propagated  by  the  Town. 

The  crescent  moon  shone  down  on  Mr.  Bouncer's  party,  and 
gave  ample  light 

To  light  them  on  their  prey. 

A  noise  and  shouting, — which  quickly  made  our  hero's  Bob- 
Acreish  resolutions  ooze  out  at  his  fingers'  ends,  —  waa 
heard  coming  from  the  direction  of  Oriel  Street ;  and  a  small 
knot  of  Gownsmen,  who  had  been  cut  off  from  a  larger  body, 
appeared,  manfully  retreating  with  their  faces  to  the  foe, fighting 
as  they  fell  back,  but  driven  by  superior  numbers  up  the  narrow 
street,  by  St.  Mary's  Hall, 
and  past  the  side  of  Spiers's 
shop  into  the  High  Street. 

"  Gown  to  the  rescue !  " 
shouted  Mr.  Blades,  as  he 
dashed  across  the  street ; 
"  come  on,  Pet !  here  we 
are  in  the  thick  of  it,  just 
in  the  nick  of  time !  "  and, 
closely  followed  by  Charles 
Larkyns,  Mr.  Fosbrooke, 
Mr.  Smalls,  Mr.  Bouncer, 
Mr.  Flexible  Shanks,  Mr. 
Cheke,  Mr.  Foote,  and 
our  hero,  and  the  rest 
of  the  party,  they  soon 
plunged  in  madias  res. 

The  movement  was  par 
ticularly  v;ell-timed,  for  the 
small  body  of  Gownsmen 
were  beginning  to  get 
roughly  handled  ;  but  the 
succour  afforded  by  the 
Pet  and  his  party  soon 
changed  the  aspect  of 
affairs ;  and,  after  a  brief 
skirmish,  there  was  a  tem 
porary  cessation  of  hostilities. 


As   reinforcements    poursd 


18  FURTHER   ADVENTURES    OF   MR.    VERDANT   OREEN, 

Jn  on  either  side,  the  mob  which  represented  the  Town, 
wavered,  and  spread  themselves  across  on  each  side  of  the  High ; 
while  a  huge,  lumbering  bargeman,  who  appeared  to  be  the  gene 
ralissimo  of  their  forces,  delivered  himself  of  a  brief  but  energetic 
speech,  in  which  he  delivered  his  opinion  of  Gownsmen,  in 
general,  and  his  immediate  foes  in  particular,  in  a  way  which 
would  have  to  be  expressed  in  proper  print  chiefly  by  blanks^ 
and  which  would  have  assuredly  entailed  upon  him  a  succession 
of  five-shilling  fines,  had  he  been  in  a  court  of  justice,  aad 
before  a  magistrate. 

"  Here's  a  pretty  blank,  I  don't  think ! "  he  observed  in 
conclusion,  as  he  pointed  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who  was 
nervously  settling  his  spectacles,  and  wishing  himself  safe  back 
in  his  own  rooms  ;  "  I  would'nt  give  a  blank  for  such  a  blank 
blank.  I'm  blank,  if  he  don't  look  as  though  he'd  swaller'd  a 
blank  codfish,  and  had  bust  out  into  blank  barnacles  ! "  As  the 
Bargee  was  apparently  regarded  by  his  party  as  a  gentleman  of  in 
finite  humour,  his  highly-flavoured  blank  remarks  were  received  by 
them  with  shouts  of  laughter ;  while  our  hero  obtained  far  more 
of  the  digito  monstrari  share  of  public  notice  than  he  wished  for. 

For  some  brief  space,  the  warfare  between  the  rival  parties 
of  Town  and  G-own  continued  to  be  one  merely  of  words — a 
mutual  discharge  of  epea  pteroenta  (yulgariter  "chaff""),  in 
which  a  small  amount  of  sarcasm  was  mingled  with  a  large 
share  of  vituperation,  At  length,  a  slang  rhyme  of  peculiar 
offensiveness  was  used  to  a  Wadham  gentleman,  which  so 
exasperated  him  that  he  immediately,  by  way  of  a  forcible 
reply,  sent  his  fist  full  into  the  speaker's  face.  On  this,  a 
collision  took  place  between  those  who  formed  the  outside  of 
the  crowd ;  and  the  Crowns  flocked  together  to  charge  en  masse. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  not  quite  aware  of  this  sudden  move 
ment,  and,  for  a  moment,  was  cut  off  from  the  rest.  This  did 
not  escape  the  eyes  of  the  valiant  Bargee,  who  had  already 
singled  out  our  hero  as  the  one  whom  he  could  most  easily 
punish,  with  the  least  chance  of  getting  quick  returns  for  his 
small  profits.  Forthwith,  therefore,  he  rushed  to  his  victim, 
and  aimed  a  heavy  blow  at  him,  which  Verdant  only  half 
avoided  by  stooping.  Instinctively  doubling  his  fists,  our  hero 
found  that  Necessity  was,  indeed,  the  mother  of  Invention; 
and,  with  a  passing  thought  of  what  would  be  his  mother's 
and  Aunt  Virginia's  feelings  could  they  see  him  fighting  in  the 
public  streets  with  a  common  bargeman,  he  contrived  to  guard 
off  the  second  blow.  But  at  the  next  furious  lounge  of  the 
Bargee  he  was  not  qtiite  so  fortunate,  and,  receiving  that 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE 


gentleman's  heavy  fist  full  in  his  forehead,  he  staggered  back 
wards,  and  was  only  prevented  from  measuring  his  length  on 


the  pavement  by  falling  against  the  iron  gates  of  St.  Mary's. 
The  delighted  Bargee  was  just  on  the  point  of  putting  the 
cotvp  de  grace  to  his  attack,  when,  to  Verdant's  inexpressible 
delight  and  relief,  his  lumbering  antagonist  was  sent  sprawling 
by  a  well-directed  blow  on  his  right  ear.  Charles  Larkyns, 
who  had  kept  a  friendly  eye  on  our  hero,  had  spied  his  con 
dition,  and  had  sprung  to  his  assistance.  He  was  closely 
followed  by  the  Pet,  who  had  divested  himself  of  the  gown 
which  had  encumbered  his  shoulders,  and  was  now  freely 
striking  out  in  all  directions.  The  fight  had  become  general, 
and  fresh  combatants  had  sprung  up  on  either  side. 

"  Keep  close  to  me,  Verdant,"  said  Charles  Larkyns, — quite 
unnecessarily,  by  the  way,  as  our  hero  had  no  intention  of 
doing  otherwise  until  he  saw  a  way  to  escape ;  "  keep  close  to 
me,  and  I'll  take  care  you  are  not  hurt." 

"Here  ye  are !  "  cried  the  Pet,  as  he  set  his  back  against  the 
stone-work  flanking  the  iron  gates  of  the  church,  immediately 
in  front  of  one  of  the  curiously  twisted  pillars  of  the  Porch  ;  * 
"come  on,  half  a  dozen  of  ye,  and  let  me  have  a  rap  at  your 
smellers !  "  and  he  looked  at  the  mob  in  the  "  Come  one,  come 

*  The  porch  was  erected  in  1637  by  order  of  Archbishop  Laud.  In 
the  centre  of  the  porch  is  a  statue  of  the  Virgin  with  the  Child  in  her  arms, 
holding  a  small  crucifix  ;  which  at  the  time  of  its  erection  gave  such 
offence  to  the  Puritans  that  it  waa  included  in  the  articles  of  impeachment 
Archbishop.  The  statue  remains  to  this  day. 


00    1HB  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

all  defiant"    fashion  of   Fitz-James ;    while  Charles  Larkyni 


and  Verdant  set  their   backs   against  the  church  gates,    and 
prepared  for  a  rush. 

The  Bargee  came  up  furious,  and  hit  out  wildly  at  Charles 
Larkyns  ;  but  science  was  more  than  a  match  for  brute  force ; 
and,  after  receiving  two  or  three  blows  which  caused  him  to 
shake  his  head  in  a  don't-like-it  sort  of  way,  he  endeavoured  to 
iurn  his  attention  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who,  with  head  in 
iir,  was  taking  the  greatest  care  of  his  spectacles,  and  t-ndea- 
vouring  to  ward  off  the  indiscriminate  lunges  of  half  a  dozen 
townsmen.  The  Bargee's  charitable  designs  on  our  hero,  were, 
however,  frustrated  by  the  opportune  appearance  of  Mr.  Blades 
and  Mr.  Cheke,  the  gentleman-commoner  of  Corpus,  who,  in 
their  turn,  were  closely  followed  by  Mr.  S;nalls  and  Mr 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE  3^ 

Flexible  Shanks ;  and  Mr.  Blades  exclaiming,  "  T:.ere;g  a 
smasher  for  your  ivories,  my  fine  fellow !  "  followed  up  the 
remark  with  a  practical  application  of  his  fiat  to  the  part 
referred  to;  whereupon  the  Bargee  fell  back  with  a  howl, 
and  gave  vent  to  several  curse-ory  observations,  and  blank 
remarks. 

All  this  time  the  Pet  was  laying  about  him  in  the  most 
determined  manner;  and,  to  judge  from  his  professional 
observations,  his  scientific  acquirements  were  in  full  play.  He 
had  agreeable  remarks  for  each  of  his  opponents ;  and,  doubt 
less,  the  punishment  which  they  received  from  his  stalwart 
arms  came  with  more  stinging  force  when  the  parts  affected 
were  pointed  out  by  his  illustrative  language.  To  one  gentle 
man  he  would  pleasantly  observe,  as  he  tapped  him  on  the 
chest,  "  Bellows  to  mend  for  you,  my  buck  !  "  or  else,  "There's 
a  regular  rib-roaster  for  you!"  or  else,  in  the  still  more 
elegant  imagery  of  the  Ring,  "There's  a  squelcher  in  the 
bread-basket,  that'll  stop  your  dancing,  my  kivey  !  "  While 
to  another  he  would  cheerfully  remark,  "  Tour  head-rails  were 
loosened  there,  wasn't  they?"  or,  "How  about  the  kissing- 
trap  ?  "  or,  "  That  draws  the  bung  from  the  beer-barrel  I'm  a 
thinkin'."  While  to  another  he  would  say,  as  a  fact  not  to  be 
disputed,  "  You  napp'd  it  heavily  on  your  whisker-bed,  didn't 
you  ?  "  or,  "  That'll  raise  a  tidy  mouse  on  your  ogle,  my  lad  !  " 
or,  "  That'll  take  the  bark  from  your  nozzle,  and  distil  the 
Dutch  pink  for  you,  won't  it  ?  "  While  to  another  he  would 
mention  as  an  interesting  item  of  news,  "  Now  we'll  tap  your 
best  October!  "  or,  " There's  a  crack  on  your  snuff-box  ! "  or, 
"  That'll  damage  your  potato-trap  !  "  Or  else  he  would  kindly 
inquire  of  one  gentleman,  "What  d'ye  ask  a  pint  for  your 
cochineal  dye  ?  "or  would  amiably  recommend  another  that,  as 
his  peepers  were  a  goin'  fast,  he'd»  best  put  up  the  shutters, 
because  the  early-closing  movement  ought  to  be  follered  out. 
All  this  was  done  in  the  cheeriest  manner ;  while,  at  the  same 
time,  the  Pet  proved  himself  to  be  not  only  a  perfect  master 
of  his  profession,  but  also  a  skilful  adept  in  those  figures  of 
speech,  or  "nice  derangements  of  epitaphs,"  as  Mrs.  Malaprop 
calls  them,  in  which  the  admirers  of  the  fistic  art  so  much 
delight.  At  every  blow,  a  fresh  opponent  either  fell  or  stag 
gered  off;  the  supremacy  of  the  Pet  was  complete,  and  hia 
claim  to  be  considered  a  Professor  of  the  noble  and  ui&Uy  art 
of  Self-defence  was  triumphantly  established.  "  Th«a  Putney 
Pet  "  was  a  decidedly  valuable  acquisition  to  the  side  of  Gown 

Soon  the  crowd  becair.e  thinner,  as  those  of  the  Town  who 


82     THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

liked  to  give,  but  not  to  receive  hard  blows,  stole  off  to  othei 
quarters;  and  the  Pet  and  his  party  would  have  been  left 
peaceably  to  themselves.  But  this  was  not  what  they  wanted, 
as  long  as  fighting  was  going  on  elsewhere  ;  even  Mr.  Verdant 
Green°began  to  feel  desperately  courageous  as  the  Town  took 
to  their  heels,  and  fled;  and,  having  performed  prodigies  of 
valour  in  almost  knocking  down  a  small  cad  who  had  had  the 
temerity  to  attack  him,  our  hero  felt  himself  to  be  a  hero 
indeed,  and  announced  his  intention  of  pursuing  the  mob,  and 
sticking  close  to  Charles  Larkyns,— taking  especial  care  to  do 
the  latter. 

"  All  the  savage  soul  of  fight  was  up ;" 

and  the  Gown  following  the  scattered  remnant  of  the  flying 
Town,  ran  them  round  by  All  Saints'  Church,  and  up  the 
Turl. 


Here  another  Town  and  Gown  party  had  fought  their  way 
from  the  Corn-market;  and  the  Gown,  getting  considerably 
the  worst  of  the  conflict,  had  taken  refuge  within  Exeter 
College  by  the  express  order  of  the  Senior  Proctor,  the  Rev 
Thomas  Tozer,  more  familiarly  known  as  "  old  Towzei-."  He 
had  endeavoured  to  assert  his  proctorial  authority  over  the 
mob  of  the  townspeople ;  but  the  profanum  vulgus  had  not 
only  scoffed  and  jeered  him,  but  had  even  torn  his  gown,  and 
treated  his  velvet  sleeves  with  the  indignity  of  mud ;  while  the 
only  fireworks  which  had  been  exhibited  on  that  evening  had 
been  let  off  in  his  very  face.  Pushed  on,  and  hustled  by  the 


AN    OXFOBD    UNDERGRADUATE.  39 

mob,  and  only  partially  protected  by  his  Marshal  and  Bull 
dogs,*  he  was  saved  from  further  indignity  by  the  arrival  of  a 
small  knot  of  Gownsmen,  who  rushed  to  his  rescue.  Their 
number  was  too  small,  however,  to  make  head  against  the 
mob,  and  the  best  that  they  could  do  was  to  cover  the  Proctor's 
retreat.  Now,  the  Rev.  Thomas  Tozer  was  short,  and  inclined 
to  corpulence,  and,  although  not  wanting  for  courage,  yet  the 
exertion  of  defending  himself  from  a  superior  force,  was  not 
only  a  fruitless  one,  but  was,  moreover,  productive  of  much 
unpleasantness  and  perspiration.  Deeming,  therefore,  that 
discretion  was  the  better  part  of  valour,  he  fled  (like  those 
who  tended,  or  ought  to  have  attended  to,  the  flocks  of  Mr. 
Norval,  Sen.) 

"  for  safety  and  for  succour ;" 

and,  being  rather  short  of  the  necessary  article  of  wind,  by  the 
time  that  he  had  reached  Exeter  College,  he  had  barely  breath 
enough  left  to  tell  the  porter  to  keep  the  gate  shut  until  he 
had  assembled  a  body  of  Gownsmen  to  assist  him  in  capturing 
those  daring  ringleaders  of  the  mob  who  had  set  his  authority 
at  defiance.  This  was  soon  done ;  the  call  to  arms  was  made, 
and  every  Exeter  man  who  was  not  already  out,  ran  to  "  old 
Towzer's  "  assistance, 

"Now,  Porter,"  said  Mr.  Tozer,  "unbar  the  gate  without 
noise,  and  I  will  look  forth  to  observe  the  position  of  the 
mob.  Gentlemen,  hold  yourselves  in  readiness  to  secure  the 
ringleaders." 

The  porter  undid  the  wicket,  and  the  Rev.  Thomas  Tozer 
cautiously  put  forth  his  head.  It  was  a  rash  act ;  for,  no 
sooner  had  his  nose  appeared  round  the  edge  of  the  wicket, 
than  it  received  a  flattening  blow  from  the  fist  of  an  active 
gentleman  who,  like  a  clever  cricketer,  had  been  on  the  look 
out  for  an  opportunity  to  get  in  to  his  adversary's  wicket. 

"  Oh,  this  is  painful !  this  is  very  painful !  "  ejaculated  Mr. 
Tozer,  as  he  rapidly  drew  in  his  head.  "  Close  the  wicket 
directly,  porter,  and  keep  it  fast."  It  was  like  closing  the 
gates  of  Hougomont.  The  active  gentleman  who  had 
damaged  Mr.  Tozer's  nose  threw  himself  against  the  wicket, 
his  comrades  assisted  him,  and  the  porter  had  some  difficulty 
in  obeying  the  Proctor's  orders. 

"  Oh,  this  is  painful !  "  murmured  the  Rev.  Thomas  Tozer, 
as  he  applied  a  handkerchief  to  his  bleeding  nose ;  "this  is 

*  The  Marshal  is  the  Proctor'*  chief  officer.  The  name  of  '  Bull-dogs ' 
kg  given  to  the  two  inferior  officers  who  attend  the  Proctor  iu  hia  nigltljf 
rounds. 

7* 


84 


THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREIN. 


painful,  this  is  very  painful !  this  is  exceedingly  painful, 
gentlemen ! " 

He  was  immediately  surrounded  by  sympathising  under 
graduates,  who  begged  him  to  allow  them  at  once  to  charge 
the  Town ;  but  "  old  Towzer's  "  spirit  seemed  to  have  been 
aroused  by  the  indignity  to  which  he  had  been  forced  so 
publicly  to  submit,  and  he  replied  that,  as  soon  as  the 
bleeding  had  ceased,  he  would  lead  them  forth  in  person.  An 
encouraging  cheer  followed  this  courageous  resolve,  and 
was  echoed  from  without  by  the  derisive  applause  of  the  Town. 

When  Mr.  Tozer's  nose  had  ceased  to  bleed,  the  signal  was 
given  for  the  gates  to  be  thrown  open;  and  out  rushed  Proctor, 
Marshall,  Bull-dogs,  and  undergraduates.  The  Town  was  in 
great  force,  and  the  fight  became  desperate.  To  the  credit  oi 
the  Town,  be  it  said,  they  discarded  bludgeons  and  stones, 
and  fought,  in  John  Bull  fashion,  with  their  fists.  Scarcely  a 
stick  was  to  be  seen.  Singling  out  his  man,  Mr.  Tozer  made 


at  him  valiantly,  supported  by  his  Bull-dogs,  and  a  small  band 
of  Gownsmen.  But  the  heavy  gown  and  velvet  sleeves  were  a 
grievous  hindrance  to  the  Proctor's  prowess ;  and,  although 
supported  on  either  side  by  his  two  attendant  Bull-dogs,  yet 
the  weight  of  his  robes  made  poor  Mr.  Tozer  almost  as  harm- 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE  85 

iess  as  the  blind  King  of  Bohemia  between  his  two  faithful 
knighte  at  the  battle  of  Crecy ;  and,  as  each  of  the  party  had 
to  look  to,  and  fight  for  himself,  the  Senior  Proctor  soon  found 
himself  in  an  awkward  predicament. 

The  cry  of  "Gown  to  the  rescue !  "  therefore,  fell  pleasantly 
on  his  ears  ;  and  the  reinforcement  headed  by  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns  and  his  party,  materially  improved  the  aspect  of  affairs 
on  the  side  of  Gown.  Knocking  down  a  cowardly  fellow,  who 
was  using  his  heavy-heeled  boots  on  the  body  of"  a  prostrate 
undergraduate,  Mr.  Blades,  closely  followed  by  the  Pet,  dashed 
in  to  the  Proctor's  assistance ;  and  never  in  a  Town  and  Gown 
was  assistance  more  timely  rendered ;  for  the  Eev.  Thomas 
Tozer  had  just  received  his  first  knock-down  blow !  By  the 
help  of  Mr.  Blades  the  fallen  chieftain  was  quickly  replaced 
upon  his  legs ;  while  the  Pet  stepped  before  him,  and  struck 
out  skilfully  right  and  left.  Ten  more  minutes  of  scientific 
pugilism,  and  the  fate  of  the  battle  was  decided.  The  Town 
fled  every  way ;  some  round  the  corner  by  Lincoln  College ; 
some  up  the  Turl  towards  Trinity  ;  some  down  Ship  Street ; 
and  some  down  by  Jesus  College',  and  Market  Street.  A  few 
of  the  more  resolute  made  a  stand  in  Broad  Street ;  but  it  was 
of  no  avail ;  and  they  received  a  sound  punishment  at  the  hands 
of  the  Gown,  on  the  spot,  where,  some  three  centuries  before, 
certain  mitred  Gownsmen  had  bravely  suffered  martyrdom.* 

JSTow,  the  Eev.  Thomas  Tozer  was  a  strict  disciplinarian,  and, 
although  he  had  so  materially  benefited  by  the  Pet's  assistance, 
yet,  when  he  perceived  that  that  pugilistic  gentleman  was  not 
possessed  of  the  full  complement  of  academical  attire,  the 
duties  of  the  Proctor  rose  superior  to  the  gratitude  of  the 
Man ;  and,  with  all  the  sternness  of  an  ancient  Roman  Father, 
he  said  to  the  Pet,  "  Why  have  you  not  on  your  gown,  sir  ?  " 

"  I  ax  your  pardon,  guv'nor  !  "  replied  the  Pet,  deferentially  , 
"  I  didn't  so  much  care  about  the  mortar-board,  but  I  couldn't 
do  nothin'  nohow  with  the  t'other  thing,  so  I  pocketted  him  ; 
but  some  cove  must  have  gone  and  prigged  him,  for  he  ain't 
here." 

"  I  am  unable*to  comprehend  the  nature  of  your  language, 
sir,"  observed  the  Eev.  Thomas  Tozer,  angrily ;  for,  what  with 

*  The  exact  spot  where  Archbishop  Cranmer  and  Bishops  Ridley  and 
Latimer  suffered  martyrdom  is  not  known.  "  The  most  likely  supposition 
is,  that  it  was  in  the  town  ditch,  the  site  of  which  is  now  occupied  by  th« 
houses  in  Broad  Street,  which  are  immediately  opposite  the  gateway  of 
Balliol  College,  or  tba  footpath  in  front  of  them,  where  an 
layer  of  wood-ashes  is  known  to  remain." — (Parker.) 


86         THE    FURTHER    ADVENTURES    OF   MR.    VEKDAWT    GREEN, 

his  own  excitement,  and  the  shades  of  evening  which  had  stolen 
over  and  obscured  the  Pet's  features,  he  was  unable  to  read 
that  gentleman's  character  and  profession  in  his  face,  and  there 
fore  came  to  the  conclusion  that  he  was  being  chaffed  by  some 
impudent  undergraduate.  "  I  don't  in  the  least  under 
stand  you,  sir ;  but  I  desire  at  once  to  know  your  name,  and 
College,  sir ! " 

The  Putney  Pet  stared.  If  the  Rev.  Thomas  Tozer  had  asked 
him  for  the  name  of  his  Academy,  he  wo  old  have  been  able  to 
have  referred  him  to  his  spacious  and  convenient  Sparring 
Academy,  5,  Cribb  Court,  Drury  Lane ;  but  the  enquiry  for 
his  "  College,"  was,  in  the  language  of  his  profession,  a  "  regular 
floorer."  Mr.  Blades,  however,  stepped  forward,  and  explained 
matters  to  the  Proctor,  in  a  satisfactory  manner. 

"  Well,  well !  "  said  the  pacified  Mr.  Tozer  to  the  Pet ;  "  you 
have  used  your  skill  very  much  to  our  advantage,  and  displayed 
pugilistic  powers  not  unworthy  of  the  athletes,  and  xystics  of 
the  noblest  days  of  Rome.  As  a  palaestrite  you  wo'ild 


gamea  palms  in  the  gymnastic  exercises  of  the  Circus  Maxinus. 
You  might  even  have  proved  a  formidable  rival  to  Dares,  A'ho, 
as  you,  Mr.  Blades,  will  remember,  caused  the  death  of  Butei 


AN    OXFORD    UNDEKGRADUATE.  81 

at  Hector's  tomb.  You  will  remember,  Mr.  Blades,,  that 
Virgil  makes  mention  of  his  '  humeros  latos,'  and  says : — 

'  Nee  quisquam  ex  agmine  tanto 
Audet  adire  virum,  manibusque  inducere  csestus  ;'* 

which,  in  our  English  idiom,  would  signify,  that  every  one  was 
afraid  to  put  on  the  gloves  with  him-  And,  as  your  skill," 
resumed  Mr.  Tozer,  turning  to  the  Pet,  "  has  been  exercised 
in  defence  of  my  person,  and  in  upholding  the  authority  of  the 
University,  I  will  overlook  your  oifence  in  assuming  that  por 
tion  of  the  academical  attire,  to  which  you  gave  the  offensive 
epithet  of  "  mortar-board ;  "  more  especially,  as  you  acted  at  the 
suggestion  and  bidding  of  those  who  ought  to  have  known 
better.  And  now,  go  home,  sir,  and  resume  your  customary 
head-dress  ;  and — stay  !  here's  five  shillings  for  you." 

"  I'm  much  obleeged  to  you,  guv'nor,"  said  the  Pet,  who 
had  been  listening  with  considerable  surprise  to  the  Proctor's 
quotations  and  comparisons,  and  wondering  whether  the  gen 
tleman  named  Dares,  who  caused  the  death  of  beauties,  was  a 
member  of  the  P.R.,  and  whether  they  made  it  out  a  case  of 
manslaughter  against  him  ?  and  if  the  gaining  palms  in  a 
circus  was  the  customary  "  flapper-shaking  "  before  "  toeing 
the  scratch  for  business?" — "I'm  much  obleeged  to  you, 
guv'nor,"  said  the  Pet,  as  he  made  a  scrape  with  his  leg ; 
"  and,  whenever  you  does  come  up  to  London,  I  'ope  you'll 
drop  in  at  Cribb  Court,  and  have  a  turn  with  the  gloves !  " 
And  the  Pet,  very  politely,  handed  one  of  his  professional 
cards  to  the  Rev.  Thomas  Tozer. 

A  little  later  than  this,  a  very  jovial  supper  party  might 
have  been  seen  assembled  in  a  principal  room  at  "  the 
Roebuck."  To  enable  them  to  be  back  within  their  college 
walls,  and  save  their  gates,  before  the  hour  of  midnight  should 
arrive,  the  work  of  consuming  the  grilled  bones  and  welch- 
rabbits  was  going  on  with  all  reasonable  speed,  the  heavier 
articles  boing  washed  down  by  draughts  of  "  heavy."  After 
the  cloth  was  withdrawn,  several  songs  of  a  miscellaneous 
character  were  sung  by  "  the  professional  gentlemen  present," 
including,  "  by  particular  request,"  the  celebrated  "  Marble 
Halls  "  song  of  our  hero,  which  was  given  with  more  coherency 
than  on  a  previous  occasion,  but  was  no  less  energetically  led  in 
its  "  you-loved-me-still-the-same  "  chorus  by  Mr.  Bouncer.  The 
Pet  was  proudly  placed  on  the  right  hand  of  the  chairman,  Mr. 
Blades  ;  and,  when  his  health  was  proposed,  "  with  many  thanks 
to  him  for  the  gallant  and  plucky  manner  in  which  he  had  lad 
•  .En.,  Book  v.,  373. 


88    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

on  the  Grown  to  a  glorious  victory,"  the  "  three  times  three," 
and  the  "  one  cheer  more,"  and  the  "  again,"  and  "  again," 
and  the  "  one  other  little  un !  "  were  uproariously  given  (as 
Mr.  Foote  expressed  it)  "  by  the  whole  strength  of  the 
company,  assisted  by  Messrs.  Larkyns,  Smalls,  Fosbrooke, 
Flexible  Shanks,  Cheke,  and  Verdant  Green." 

The  forehead  of  the  last-named  gentleman  was  decorated 
with  a  patch  of  brown  paper,  from  which  arose  an  aroma,  as 
though  of  vinegar.  The  battle  of  "Town  and  Gown  "  was  over  ; 
and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  among  the  number  of  the  wounded. 


CHAPTEE  V. 


MB.  VERDANT  GREEN  IS  FAVOURED  WITH  MB.  BOUNCES  8 
OPINIONS  REGARDING  AN  UNDERGRADUATE'S  EPISTOLABt 
COMMUNICATIONS  TO  HIS  MATERNAL  RELATIVE. 

"  COME  in,  whoever  you  are !  don't  mind  the  dogs  ! " 
shouted  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he  lay,  in  an  extremely 

inelegant  attitude,  in 
a  red  morocco  chair, 
which  was  considerably 
the  worse  for  wear, 
chiefly  on  account  of 
the  ill-usage  it  had  to 
put  up  with,  in  being 
made  to  represent  ita 
owner's  antagonist, 
whenever  Mr.  Bouncer 
thought  fit  to  practise 
his  fencing.  "  Oh  !  it's 
you  and  Giglamps,  is 
it,  Charley?  I'm  just 
refreshing  myself  with 
a  weed,  for  I've  been 
desperately  hard  set  work." 

"  What !  Harry  Bouncer  devoting  himself  to  study !  But 
this  is  the  age  of  wonders,"  said  Charles  Larkyns,  who  entered 
the  room  in  company  with  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  whose  fore 
head  still  betrayed  the  effects  of  the  blow  he  had  received  a 
few  nights  before. 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE 


39 


It  ain't  reading  that  I  meant,"  replied  Mr.  Bourcer 
"though  that  always  does  floor  me,  and  no  mistake !  and  what's 
the  use  of  their  making  us  peg  away  so  at  Latin  and  Greek,  I 
can't  make  out.  When  I  go  out  into  society,  I  don't  want  to 
talk  about  those  old  Greek  and  Latin  birds  that  they  make  us 
get  up.  I  dont  want  to  ask  any  old  dowager  I  happen  to  fall 
in  with  at  a  tea-fight,  whether  she  believes  all  the  crammera 
that  Herodotus  tells  us,  or  whether  she's  well  up  in  the 
naughty  tales  and  rummy  nuisances  that  we  have  to  pass  no 
end  of  our  years  in  getting  by  heart.  And  when  I  go  to  a 
ball,  and  do  the  light  fantastic,  I  don't  want  to  ask  my  partner 
what  she  thinks  about  Euripides,  or  whether  she  prefers  Ovid's 
Metamorphoses  to  Ovid's  Art  of  Love,  and  all  that  sort  of 
thing;  and  as  for  request 
ing  her  to  do  me  a  problem 
of  Euclid,  instead  of  work 
ing  me  any  glorified  slippers 
or  woolleries,  I'd  scorn  the 
faction.  I  ain't  like  you, 
Charley,  and  I'm  not  guv 
in  the  classics :  I  saw  too 
much  of  the  beggars  while 
I  was  at  Eton  to  take 
kindly  to  'em  ;  and  just  let 
me  once  get  through  my 
Greats,  and  see  if  I  don't 
precious  soon  drop  the  ac 
quaintance  of  those  old 
classical  parties !  " 

"  No  you  won't,  old  fel 
low  !  "  said  Charles  Lar- 
kyns ;  "  you'll  find  that 
they'll  stick  to  you  through 
life,  just  like  poor  relations, 
and  you  won't  be  able  to 
shake  them  off.  And  you 
ought  not  to  wish  to  do  so, 
more  especially  as, in  the  end, 
you  will  find  them  to  have 
been  very  rich  relations." 

"  A  sort  of  *  O  my  prophetic  soul,  my  uncle !  '  I  sup 
pose,  Master  Charley,"  observed  M-  Bouncer  ;  "  but 
what  I  meant  when  I  said  that  I  ha«  oeen  hard  at  work^ 
was,  that  I  had  been  writing  a  letter ;  and,  though  I  say  il 


40    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEK, 

that  ought  not  to  say  it,  I  flatter  myself  it's  no  end  of  9 
good  letter." 

"Is  it  a  love-letter?"  asked  Charles  Larkyns,  who  waa 
leaning  against  the  mantel-piece,  amusing  himself  with  a 
cigar  which  he  had  taken  from  Mr.  Bouncer's  hox. 

"  A  love-letter?"  replied  the  little  gentleman,  contemptuously 
— "  my  gum !  no ;  I  should  rayther  think  not !  I  may  have  done 
many  foolish  things  in  my  life,  but  I  can't  have  the  tender  passion 
laid  *to  my  charge.  No  !  I've  been  writing  my  letter  to 
tbe  Mum  :  I  always  write  to  her  once  a  term."  Mr.  Bouncer, 
it  must  be  observed,  always  referred  to  his  maternal  relative 
(his  father  had  been  long  dead)  by  the  epithet  of  "  the  Mum." 

"  Once  a  term ! "  said  our  hero,  in  a  tone  of  surprise ; 
"  why  I  always  write  home  once  or  twice  every  week." 

"  You  don't  mean  to  say  so,  Giglamps  !  "  replied  Mr. 
Bpuncer,  with  admiration.  "  Well,  some  fellers  have  what 
you  call  a  genius  for  that  sort  of  thing,  you  see,  though  what 
you  can  find  to  tell  ''em  I  can't  imagine.  But  if  I'd  gone  at 
that  pace  I  should  have  got  right  through  the  Guide  Book  by 
this  time,  and  then  it  would  have  been  all  U  P,  and  I  should 
have  been  obleeged  to  have  invented  another  dodge.  You  don't 
seem  to  take,  Giglamps  ?  " 

"  Well,  I  really  don't  know  what  you  mean,"  answered  our 
hero. 

"  Why,"  continued  Mr.  Bouncer,  "  you  see,  there's  only  the 
Mum  and  Fanny  at  home:  Fanny's  my  sister,  Giglamps — a 
regular  stunner — just  suit  you! — and  they,  you  understand, 
don't  care  to  hear  about  wines,  and  Town  and  Gowns,  and  all 
that  sort  of  thing ;  and,  you  see,  I  ain't  inventive  and  that, 
and  can't  spin  a  yarn  about  nothing;  so,  as  soon  as  ever  I 
came  up  to  Oxford,  I  invested  money  in  a  Guide  Book  ;  and  I 
began  at  the  beginning,  and  I  gave  the  Mum  three  pages  of 
Guide  Book  in  each  letter.  Of  course,  you  see,  the  Mum 
imagines  it's  all  my  own  observation  ;  and  she  thinks  no  end 
of  my  letters,  and  says  that  they  make  her  know  Oxford 
almost  as  well  as  if  she  lived  here  ;  and  she,  of  course,  makes 
a  good  deal  of  me ;  and  as  Oxford's  the  place  where  I  hang 
out,  you  see,  she  takes  an  interest  in  reading  something  about 
the  jolly  old  place." 

"  Of  course,"  observed  Mr.  Verdant  Green  ;  "  my  mamma — 
mother,  at  least — and  sisters,  always  take  pleasure  in  bearing 
about  Oxford  ;  but  your  plan  never  occurred  to  me." 

"  It's  a  first-rater,  and  no  mistake,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer, 
confidently,  "  and  saves  a  deal  of  trouble.  I  think  of  taking 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  41 

out  a  patent  for  it — 'Bouncer's  Complete  Letter-Writer'— or 
get  some  literary  swell  to  put  it  into  a  book,  '  with  a  portrait 
of  the  inventor  ; '  it  would  be  sure  to  sell.  You  see,  it's  what 
you  call  amusement  blended  with  information;  and  that'a 
more  than  you  can  say  of  most  men's  letters  to  the  Home 
department." 

"  Cocky  Palmer's,  for  instance,"  said  Charles  Larkyns, 
"  which  always  contained  a  full,  true,  and  particular  account  of 
his  Wheatley  doings.  He  used  to  go  over  there,  Verdant,  to 
indulge  in  the  noble  sport  of  cock-fighting,  for  which  he  had  a 
most  uuamiable  and  unenviable  weakness  ;  that  was  the  reason 
why  he  was  called  '  Cocky '  Palmer.  His  elder  brother — who 
was  a  Pembroke  man  —  was  distinguished  by  the  pronomen 
Snuffy,'  to  express  his  excessive  partiality  for  that  titillating 
compound." 

"  And  Snuffy  Palmer,"  remarked  Mr.  Bouncer,  "was  a  long 
sight  better  feller  than  Cocky,  who  was  in  the  very  worst  set 
in  Brazenface.  But  Cocky  did  the  Wheatley  dodge  once  too 
often,  and  it  was  a  good  job  for  the  King  of  Oude  when  his 
friend  Cocky  came  to  grief,  and  had  to  take  his  name  off  the 
books." 

"You  look  as  though  you  wanted  a  translation  of  this,"  said 
Charles  Larkyns  to  our  hero,  who  had  been  listening  to  the 
conversation  with  some  wonderment, — understanding  about  as 
much  of  it  as  many  persons  who  attend  the  St.  James's  Theatre 
understand  the  dialogue  of  the  French  Plays.  "  There  are 
College  cabalia,  as  well  as  Jewish ;  and  College  surnames  are 
among  these.  *  The  King  of  Oude '  was  a  man  of  the  name  of 
Towlinson,  who  always  used  to  carry  into  Hall  with  him  a  bottle 
of  '  the  King  of  Oude 's  Sauce]  for  which  he  had  some 
mysterious  liking,  and  without  which  he  professed  himself 
unable  to  get  through  his  dinner.  At  one  time  he  was  a  great 
friend  of  Cocky  Palmer's,  and  used  to  go  with  him  to  the  cock- 
tights  at  Wheatley — that  village  just  on  the  other  side  Shotover 
Hill — where  we  did  a  '  constitutional '  the  other  day.  Cocky,  as 
our  respected  friend  says,  '  came  to  grief,'  but  was  allowed  to 
save  himself  from  expulsion  by  voluntarily,  or  rather  in-volun- 
tarily,  taking  his  name  off  the  books.  When  his  connection 
with  Cocky  had  thus  been  ruthlessly  broken,  '  the  King '  got 
into  a  better  set,  and  retrieved  his  character." 

"  The  moral  of  which,  my  beloved  Giglamps,"  observed  Mr. 
Bouncer,  "  is,  that  there  are  as  many  sets  of  men  in  a  College 
as  there  are  of  quadrilles  in  a  ball-room,  and  that  it's  just  aa 
easy  to  take  your  place  in  one  as  it  is  in  another;  but,  that 


42    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR  VERDANT  GREEN, 


when  you've  once  taken  up  your  position,  you'll  find  it  ain't  an 
easy  thing,  you  see,  to  make  a  change  for  yourself,  till  the  set 
is  broken  up.  Whereby,  Giglamps,  you  may  comprehend  what 
a  grateful  bird  you  ought  to  be,  for  Charley's  having  put  you 
into  the  best  set  in  Brazenface." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  heard  to  murmur,  "  sensible  ol 
honour, — grateful  for  kindness, — endeavours  to  deserve," — and 
the  other  broken  sentiments  which  are  commonly  made  use  01 
by  gentlemen  who  get  upon  their  legs  to  return  thanks  for 
having  been  "tea-potted." 

"If  you  like  to  hear  it,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  "  I'll  read  you 

my  letter  to  the  Mum.  It 
ain't  very  private  ;  and  I 
natter  myself,  Giglamps 
that  it'll  serve  you  as  a 
model." 

"  Let's  have  it  by  all 
means,  Harry,"  said 
Charles  Larkyns.  "  It 
must  be  an  interesting 
document ;  and  I  am  cu 
rious  to  hear  what  it  it 
that  you  consider  a  model 
for  epistolary  communi 
cation  from  an  under 
graduate  to  his  maternal 
relative." 

"  Off  she  goes  then  ;  " 
observed  Mr.  Bouncer  ;  "  lend  me  your  ears — list,  list,  O  list ! 
as  the  recruiting-sergeant  or  some  other  feller  says  in  the  Play. 
'  Now,  my  little  dears  !  look  straight  for'ard — blow  your  noses, 
and  don't  brathe  on  the  glasses  ! '"  and  Mr.  Bouncer  read  the 
Better,  interspersing  it  with,  explanatory  observatigns  : — 

" '  My  dearest  mother, — I  have  been  quite  well  since  I  left 
you,  and  I  hope  you  and  Fanny  have  been  equally  salubrious.' — 
That's  doing  the  civil,  you  see :  now  we  pass  on  to  statistics, 
— '  We  had  rain  the  day  before  yesterday,  but  we  shall  have  a  new 
moon  to-night' — You  see,  the  Mum  always  likes  to  hear  about 
the  weather,  so  I  get  that  out  of  the  Almanack.  Now  we  get 
on  to  the  interesting  part  of  the  letter. — '  1  will  now  tell  you  a 
little  about  Merton  OolleyeS — That's  where  I  had  just  got  to. 
We  go  right  through  the  Guide  Book,  you  understand. — '  The, 
history  of  this  establishment  is  of  peculiar  importance,  as 
exhibiting  the  primary  model  of  all  the  collegiate  bodies  in  Oxford 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  48 

»nd  Cambridge.  TJie  statutes  of  Walter  de  Merton  had  been 
more  or  less  copied  by  all  other  founders  in  succession ;  and  the 
whole  constitution  of  both  Universities,  as  we  now  behold  them, 
may  be,  not  without  reason,  ascribed  to  the  liberality  and  munifi 
cence  of  this  truly  great  man' — Truly  great  man  !  that's  no  end 
good,  ain't  it  ?  observed  Mr.  Bouncer,  in  the  manner  of  the 
'  mobled  queen  is  good '  of  Polonius. — *  His  sagacity  and  wisdom 
led  him  to  profit  by  the  spirit  of  the  times  ;  his  opulence  enabled 
him  to  lay  the  foundation  of  a  nobler  si/stem  ;  and  the  splendour 
of  his  example  induced  others,  in  subsequent  ages,  to  raise  a 
superstructure  at  once  attractive  and  solid.' — That's  piling  it  up 
mountaynious,  ain't  it  ? — '  The  students  were  no  longer  dispersed 
through  the  streets  and  lanes  of  the  city,  dwelling  in  insulated 
houses,  halls,  inns,  or  hostels,  subject  to  dubious  control  and 
precarious  discipline.'' — That's  stunnin',  is'nt  it  ?  just  like  those 
Times  fellers  write. — *  But  placed  under  the  immediate  superin 
tendence  of  tutors  and  governors,  and  lodged  in  comfortable 
chambers.  Tttis  was  little  less  than  an  academical  revolution  ; 
and  a  new  order  of  things  may  be  dated  from  this  memorable  era. 
Love  to  Fanny ;  and,  believe  me  your  affectionate  Son,  Henry 
Bouncer' — If  the  Mum  don't  say  that's  first- rate,  I'm  a  Dutch 
man.  !  You  see,  I  don't  write  very  close,  so  that  this  respectably 
fills  up  three  sides  of  a  sheet  of  note-paper.  Oh,  here's  some 
thing  over  the  leaf.  '  P.S.  I  hope  Stump  and  Howdy  have  got 
something  for  me,  because  I  want  some  tin  very  bad'  That's  all ! 
Well,  Griglamps  !  don't  you  call  that  quite  a  model  letter  for  a 
University  man  to  send  to  his  tender  parieut  ?  " 

"  It  certainly  contains  some  interesting  information,"  said 
our  hero,  with  a  Quaker-like  indirectness  of  reply. 

"It  seems  to  me,  Harry,"  said  Charles  Larkyns,  "that  the 
pith  of  it,  like  a  lady's  letter,  lies  in  the  postscript — the  demand 
for  money." 

"You  see,"  observed  the  little  gentleman  in  explanation, 
"  Stump  and  Rowdy  are  the  beggars  that  have  got  all  my 
property  till  I  come  of  age  next  year ;  and  they  only  let  me 
have  money  at  certain  times,  because  it's  what  they  facetiously 
call  tied-up  :  though  why  they've  tied  it  up,  or  where  they've 
tied  it  up,  I  hav'nt  the  smallest  idea.  So,  though  I  tick  for 
nearly  everything,— for  men  at  College,  Griglamps,  go  upon  tick 
as  naturally  as  the  crows  do  on  the  sheep's  backs, — I  sometimes 
am  rather  hard  up  for  ready  dibs  ;  arid  then  I  give  the  Mum  a 
gentlemanly  hint  of  this,  and  she  tips  me.  By-the-way,"  con 
tinued  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he  re-read  his  postscript,  "  I  must  altei 
the  word  '  tin  '  into  '  money  ' ;  or  else  she'll  be  taking  it  literally 


ill*    M     *hriid    With    the 


what   a  pony  ia. 


I   do,"   replied  Mr,  Yerdanfc  Green; 
^^?^*J?™*3*<**'  •»*"*«•  Ennoor  pony,— a 

Yo«Tl  be  the  death  of  me  some  fine  day," 

V  a»  be  tlowiy  re- 

You're  a/  hart  a.-,  the 
twenty-fire  i>oand,  old  fel    r 

M  IM 


r>VV.      :.'.      :;/...-'•      '.v     ;/;     '.:' 


e,  that  I 

My,th^with 


41    U     ,  .^-_    twft 

a  !^i&^v 


•be  do,  bat  write 
MM^  Ik  W  proawW  fin 

tWy  wMdd  Mit  «/Sr  As^beiWe  I  ^  time  to  fendber 
V  the  two  Kttle  beggars  cane.     Well,  I  c 
ride  them  both  at  OIK- 

. 
"  left  one  at 

^pjparf^^r 

^\TT   '..j     'vj — n  r     the    H^h,    ^^     e»d    a.i    a 

^    -,    '.       ^/^-*.  \\        NMWriier.     Voii  H':':.  t::0  ij/l'i 

•HP ]  A-\/ 

n3 

..jft*:r  and 
froctor 

;  i     ^ou.^n'f: 

any 

Tollit    wan     obliged    to    get 
. 

frarryriaidCtorl'  .that 

a*  yo«  keep  your  horse  the?*,    We  want  you 


n 
V 


M 

% 


What!"  «5ried  out  Mr.  Bonn/ 

»»O*fordh*  -^  !      WTiy,  I  tbcmgkt  yon'd 

A  vo*  tw.r  t/>  rU,  40  aj/air.  ?" 

flreenj 
*b»t  Vtmtk*  lAtJkym,  durn  ".  "t 

10    I 

* 


•And  ToudontiemuietobefltranpeaaQ,<*toget 
and  pull  down  the  bfcndaF'  uqriiedm  Bouncer. 

«0h  dear,  no!" 

Tne  fact  waa»  tfcat  during  the  long 
had  paid   considerable  attention    to 
txeitmea;  not  so  much,  it  musk  be  oani^^  out  of  fir^adbJiiji 
:>r  IM  ftmd,  M  0M  N  M^M  ' 


tamed  somethin   more  than  a 


Mr.  Chariea  Larkjna  ahowed  both  taaito  and  judgment*  Fo» 
there  mar  be  many  tninga  ka»  nkftsant  in  tke  vorid  than 
cantering  down  a  gwen  Wanriekshire  Une  on  BUM  wft 


a»d 

u>h 
of  aM  the 

e 


the 

bv  «tde  with  a 
ihe 


-.*  « 


ar 


that  ****>$  t^ 


iM  I 


46    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

loosened  ringlets  reeling  with  the  motion  of  the  ride.  Pleasant 
it  is  to  canter  on  from  lane  to  lane  over  soft  moss,  and  springy 
turf,  between  the  high  honeysuckle  hedges,  and  the  broad- 
branched  beeches  that  meet  overhead  in  a  tangled  embrace.  But 
Eleasanter  by  far  than  all  is  it,  to  hug  to  one's  heart  the  darling 
mcy  that  she  who  is  cantering  on  by  your  side  in  all  the 
witchery  of  her  maiden  beauty,  holds  you  in  her  dearest 
thoughts,  and  dowers  you  with  all  her  wealth  of  love.  Pleasant 
rides  indeed,  pleasant  fancies,  and  pleasant  day-dreams,  had  the 
long  vacation  brought  to  Charles  Larkyns  ! 

"  Well,  come  along,  Verdant,"  said  Mr.  Larkyns,  "  we'll  go 
to  Charley  Symonds'  and  get  our  hacks.  You  can  meet  us, 
Harry,  just  over  the  Maudlin  Bridge ;  and  we'll  have  a  canter 
along  the  Henley  road." 

So  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  his  friend  walked  into  Holywell 
Street,  and  passed  under  the  archway  up  to  Symonds'  stables. 
But  the  nervous  trepidation  which  our  hero  had  felt  in  the 
same  place  on  a  previous  occasion  returned  with  full  force  when 
his  horse  was  led  out  in  an  exuberantly  playful  and  "  fresh  " 
condition.  The  beast  he  had  bestridden  during  his  long 
vacation  rides,  with  his  sister  and  his  (and  sister's)  friend,  was 
a  cob-like  steed,  whose  placidity  of  temper  was  fully  equalled 
by  its  gravity  of  demeanour;  aud  who  would  as  soon  have 
thought  of  flying  over  a  five-bar  gate  as  he  would  of  kicking  up 
his  respectable  heels  both  behind  and  before  in  the  , low-lived 
manner  recorded  of  the  Ethiopian  "  Old  Joe."  But,  if 
"  Charley  Symonds'  "  hacks  had  been  of  this  pacific  and  easy 
going  kind,  it  is  highly  probable  that  Mr.  C.  S.  and  his  stud 
would  not  have  acquired  that  popularity  which  they  had 
deservedly  achieved.  For  it  seems  to  be  a  sine-qud-non  with  an 
Oxford  hack,  that  to  general  showiness  of  exterior,  it  must  add 
the  power  of  enduring  any  amount  of  hard  riding  and  rough 
treatment  in  the  course  of  the  day  which  its  pro-tern,  proprietor 
may  think  fit  to  inflict  upon  it;  it  being  an  axiom  which  has 
obtained,  as  well  in  Universities  as  in  other  places,  that  it  is  of 
no  advantage  to  hire  a  hack  unless  you  get  out  of  him  as  much 
as  you  can  for  your  money  ;  you  won't  want  to  use  him  to 
morrow,  so  you  don't  care  about  over- riding  him  to-day. 

But,  all  this  time,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  is  drawing  on  his 
gloves,  in  the  nervous  manner  that  tongue-tied  gentlemen  go 
through  the  same  performance  during  the  conversational  spasms 
of  the  first-set  of  Quadrilles ;  the  groom  is  leading  out  the 
exuberantly  playful  quadruped  on  whose  back  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  is  to  disport  himself ;  Charles  Larkyns  is  mounted  ;  the 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE. 


4? 


November  sun  is  shining  brightly  on  the  perspective  of  the 
yard  and  stables,  and  the  tower  of  New  College  ;  the  dark  arch 
way  gives  one  a  peep  of  Holy  well  Street ;  while  the  cold  blue 
sky  is  flecked  with  gleaming  pigeons. 


At  last,  Mr.  Yerdant  Green  has  scrambled  into  his  saddle, 
and  is  riding  cautiously  down  the  yard,  while  his  heart  beats  in 
an  alarming  alarum-like  way.  As  they  ride  under  the  arch 
way,  there,  in  the  little  room  underneath  it,  is  Mr.  Four-in- 
hand  Fosbrooke,  selecting  his  particular  tandem-whip  from  a 
group  of  some  two  score  of  similar  whips  kept  there  in 
readiness  for  their  respective  owners. 

"Charley,  you're  a  beast!"  says  Mr.  Fosbrooke,  politely 
addressing  himself  to  Mr.  Larky ns ;  "  I  wanted  Bouncer  to 
come  with  me  in  the  cart  to  Abingdon,  and  I  find  that  the  little 
man  is  engaged  to  you."  Upon  which,  Mr.  Fosbrooke  play 
fully  raising  his  tandem-whip,  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  horse 
plunges,  and  brings  his  rider's  head  into  concussion  with  the 
lamp  which  hangs  within  the  gateway  ;  whereupon,  the  hat 
falls  off,  and  our  hero  is  within  an  ace  of  following  his  hat'g 
example. 


48    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

By  a  powerful   exertion,  however,  he  recovers  his  proper 


position  in  the  saddle,  and 
proceeds  in  an  agitated  and 
jolted  condition,  by  Charles 
Larkyns's  side,  down  Holywell 
Street,  past  the  Music  Room,* 
and  round  by  the  Long  Wall, 
and  over  Magdalen  Bridge. 
Here  they  are  soon  joined  by 
Mr.  Bouncer,  mounted,  ac 
cording  to  the  custom  of  small 
men,  on  one  of  Tollitt's  tallest 
horses,  of  ever-so-many  hands 
high.  As  by  this  time  our 
hero  has  got  more  accustomed 
to  his  steed,  his  courage  gra 
dually  returns,  and  he  rides  on 
with  his  companions  very  plea 
santly,  enjoying  the  magnificent  distant  view  of  his  University. 
When  they  have  passed  Cowley,  some  very  tempting  fences 
are  met  with  ;  and  Mr.  Bouncer  and  Mr.  Larkyns,  being  unable 
to  resist  their  fascinations,  put  their  horses  at  them,  and  leap 
in  and  out  of  the  road  in  an  insane  Vandycking  kind  of  way  ; 
while  an  excited  agriculturist,  whose  smock-frock  heaves  with 
indignation,  pours  down  denunciations  on  their  heads. 

"  Blow  that  bucolical  party  !  "  says  Mr.  Bouncer  ;  "  he's  no 
right  to  interfere  with  the  enjoyments  of  the  animals.  If  they 
break  the  fences,  it  ain't  their  faults ;  it's  the  fault  of  the 
farmers  for  not  making  the  fences  strong  enough  to  bear  them. 
Come  along,  Giglamps  !  put  your  beast  at  that  hedge  !  he'll 
take  you  over  as  easy  as  if  you  were  sitting  in  an  arm-chair." 

But  Mr.  Verdant  Green  has  doubts  about  the  performance 
of  this  piece  of  equestrian  upholstery  ;  and,  thinking  that  the 
arm-chair  would  soon  become  a  reclining  one,  he  is  firm  in  his 
refusal  to  put  the  leaping  powers  of  his  steed  to  the  test.  But 
having,  afterwards,  obtained  some  "jumping  powder"  at  a 
certain  smail  road-side  hostelry  to  whNich  Mr.  Bouncer  has 
piloted  the  party,  our  hero,  on  his  way  back  to  Oxford,  screws 
up  his  courage  sufficiently  to  gallop  his  steed  desperately  at  a 
ditch  which  yawns,  a  foot  wide,  before  him.  But  to  his  immense 
astonishment — not  to  say,  disgust — the  obtuse-minded  quad 
ruped  gives  a  leap  which  would  have  taken  him  clear  over  a 


*  Now  used  for  the  Museum  of  the  Oxford  Architectural  Society* 


11?   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


4* 

anal ;  and  our  hero,  not  being  prepared  for  this  very  needless 
display  of  agility,  flies  off  the  saddle  at  a  tangent,  and  finds 


that  his  "  vaulting  ambition,"  had  o'erleap'd  itself,  and  fallen 
on  the  other  side — of  the  ditch. 

"  It  ain't  your  fault,  Giglamps ! "  says  Mr.  Bouncer,  when 
he  has  galloped  after  Verdant's  steed,  and  has  led  it  up  to 
him,  and  when  he  has  ascertained  that  his  friend  is  not  in 
the  least  hurt;  but  has  only  broken — his  glasses;  "it  ain't 
your  fault,  Giglamps,  old  feller !  it's  the  clumsinesd  of  the 
hack.  He  tossed  you  up,  and  could'nt  cafcch  you  again  !  " 

And  so  our  hero  rides  back  to  Oxford.  But,  before  the 
Term  has  ended,  he  has  become  more  accustomed  to  Oxford 
hacks,  and  has  made  himself  acquainted  with  the  respective 
merits  of  the  stables  of  Messrs.  Symonds,  Tollitt,  and  Pigg; 
and  has,  moreover,  ridden  with  the  drag,  and,  in  this  way, 
hunted  the  fabled  foxes  of  Bagley  Wood,  and  Whichwood 
.Forest. 


50    THE  FUBTHEB  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  YEBDANT  GBEKK, 


CHAPTER  VI. 

MB.    VERDANT   GBEEN    FEATHERS    HIS    GABS    WITH   SKILL    *KD 
DEXTEBITY. 

NOVEMBER  is  not  always  the  month  of  fog  and  mi&t  and 
dulness.  Oftentimes  there  are  brilliant  exceptions  to  that 
generally-received  rule  of  depressing  weather,  which,  in  this 
month  (according  to  our  lively  neighbours),  induces  the  natives 
of  our  English  metropolis  to  leap  in  crowds  from  the  Bridge  of 


Waterloo.     There  are  in  November,  days  of  calm  beauty,  which 
are  peculiar  to  that  mo.ith — that  kind  of  calm  beauty  which  is 

ten  SI-CM  as  the  In- raid  of  decay. 
But,  whatever  weather  the  month  may  bring  to  Oxford,  it 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  Bl 

never  brings  gloom  or  despondency  to  Oxford  men.  They  are 
a  happily  constituted  set  of  beings,  and  can  always  create  their 
own  amusements ;  they  crown  Minerva  with  flowers  without 
heeding  her  influenza,  and  never  seem  to  think  that  the  rosy- 
bosomed  Hours  may  be  laid  up  with  bronchitis.  Winter  and 
summer  appear  to  be  pretty  much  the  same  to  them :  reading 
and  recreation  go  hand-in-hand  all  the  year  round ;  and,  among 
other  pleasures,  that  of  boating  finds  as  many  votaries  in  cold 
November,  as  it  did  in  sunny  June — indeed,  the  chilness  of 
the  air,  in  the  former  month,  gives  zest  to  an  amusement  which 
degenerates  to  hard  labour  in  the  dog-days.  The  classic  Isis 
in  the  month  of  November,  therefore,  whenever  the  weather  ia 
anything  like  favourable,  presents  an  animated  scene.  Eight- 
oars  pass  along,  the  measured  pull  of  the  oars  in  the  rowlocks 
marking  the  time  in  musical  cadence  with  their  plashing  dip  in 
the  water ;  perilous  skiffs  flit  like  fire-flies  over  the  glassy  sur 
face  of  the  river ;  men  lounge  about  in  the  house-boats  and 
barges,  or  gather  together  at  King's,  or  Hall's,  and  indus 
triously  promulgate  small  talk  and  tobacco-smoke.  All  is  gay 

•j 


and  bustling.  Although  the  feet  of  the  strollers  in  the  Christ- 
Church  meadows  rustle  through  the  sere  and  yellow  leaf,  yet 
rich  masses  of  brown  and  russet  foliage  still  hang  upon  the 
trees,  and  light  up  into  gold  in  the  sun.  The  sky  is  of  a  cold 
but  bright  blue;  the  distant  hills  and  woods  are  mellowed 


52    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

into  sober  purplish-gray  tints,  but  over  them  the  s'in  look? 
down  with  that  peculiar  red  glow  which  is  only  seen  in 
November. 

It  was  one  of  these  bright  days  of  "  the  month  of  gloom," 
that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  being  in 
the  room  of  their  friend  Mr.  Bouncer,  the  little  gentleman 
jiquired,  "  Now  then  I  what  are  you  two  fellers  up  to  ?  I'm 
game  for  anything,  I  am !  from  pitch-and-toss  to  man 
slaughter." 

"  I'm  afraid,"  said  Charles  Larkyns,  "  that  we  can't  accom 
modate  you  in  either  amusement,  although  we  are  going  down 
to  the  river,  with  which  Yerdant  wishes  to  renew  his  acquaint 
ance.  Last  term,  you  remember,  you  picked  Inim  up  in  the 
Gut,  when  he  had  been  played  with  at  pitch-and-toss  in  a  way 
that  very  nearly  resembled  manslaughter." 

"  I  remember,  I  remember,  how  old  Griglamps  floated 
by!  "  said  Mr.  Bouncer;  you  looked  like  a  half-bred  mermaid 
Giglamps." 

"  But  the  gallant  youth,"  continued  Mr.  Larkyns,  "  undis 
mayed  by  the  perils  from  which  he  was  then  happily  preserved, 
has  boldly  come  forward  and  declared  himself  a  worshipper  of 
I  sis,  in  a  way  worthy  of  the  ancient  Egyptians,  or  of  Tom 
Moore's  Epicurean." 

"  Well !  stop  a  minute  you  fellers,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer ;  "I 
must  have  my  beer  first :  I  can't  do  without  my  Bass  relief. 
I'm  like  the  party  in  the  old  song,  and  I  likes  a  drop  of  good 
beer."  Aud  as  he  uncorked  a  bottle  of  Bass,  little  Mr. 
Bouncer  sang,  in  notes  as  musical  as  those  produced  from  hia 
own  tin  horn — 

'Twixt  wet  and  diy  I  always  try 
Between  the  extremes  to  steer; 

Though  I  always  shrunk  from  getting intoxicated, 

I  was  always  fond  of  my  beer  ! 

For  I  likes  a  drop  of  good  beer  ! 
Im  particularly  partial  to  beer  ! 
Porter  and  swipes 

Always  give  me  the — -stomach-ache  1 
But  that's  never  the  case  with  beer ! " 

"  Bravo,  Harry  !  "  cried  Charles  Larkyns  ;  "  you  roar  us 
an'  twere  any  nightingale.  It  would  do  old  Bishop  Still's 
heart  good  to  hear  you  ;  and  '  sure  /think,  that  you  can  drink 
with  any  that  wears  a  hood,'  or  that  will  wear  a  hood  when 
you  take  your  Bachelor's,  and  put  on  your  gown/'  And 
Charles  Larkyns  sang,  rather  more  musically  than  Mr 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE*  58 

Bouncer  had  done,  from  that  song  which,  three  centuries  ago, 
the  Bishop  had  written  in  praise  of  good  ale, — 

Let  back  and  side  go  bare,  go  bare, 

Both  hand  and  foot  go  cold  : 
But.  belly,  God  send  thee  good  ale  enough, 

Whether  it  be  new  or  old. 

They  were  soon  down  at  the  river  side,  where  Verdant  was 
carefully  put  into  a  tub  (alas !  the  dear,  awkward,  safe,  old 
things  are  fast  passing  away ;  they  are  giving  place  to  suicidal 
skiffs,  and  will  soon  be  numbered  among  the  boats  of  other 
days  !) — and  was  started  off  with  almost  as  much  difficulty  aa 
on  his  first  essay.  The  tub — which  was,  indeed,  his  old  friend 
the  Sylph, — betrayed  an  awkward  propensity  for  veering  round 
towards  Folly  Bridge,  which  our  hero  at  first  failed  to  over 
come  ;  and  it  was  not  until  he  had  performed  a  considerable 
amount  of  crab-catching,  that  he  was  enabled  to  steer  himselt 
in  the  proper  direction.  Charles  Larkyns  had  taken  his  seat 
in  an  outrigger  skiff  (so  frail  and  shaky  that  it  made  Verdant 
nervous  to  look  at  it),  and,  with  one  or  two  powerful  strokes, 
had  shot  ahead,  backed  water,  turned,  and  pulled  back  round 
the  tub  long  before  Verdant  had  succeeded  in  passing  that 
eccentric  mansion,  to  which  allusion  has  before  been  made,  as 


possessing  in  the  place  of  cellars,  an  ingenious  system  of  smnll 
rivers  to  thoroughly  irrigate  its  foundation  — a  hydropathic 
treatment  which  may  (or  may  not)  be  agreeable  in  Venice,  but 
strikes  one  as  being  decidedly  cold  and  comfortless  when 
applied  to  Oxford, — at  any  rate,  in  the  month  of  November. 
Walking  on  the  lawn  which  stretched  from  this  house  towardi 


54    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  OBEES, 

the  river,  our  hero  espied  two  extremely  pretty  young  ladies, 
whose  hearts  he  endeavoured  at  once  to  take  captive  by 
displaying  all  his  powers  in  that  elegant  exercise  in  which  they 
saw  him  engaged.  It  may  reasonably  be  presumed  that  Mr. 
Verdant  Green's  hopes  were  doomed  to  be  blighted. 

Let  us  leave  him,  and  take  a  look  at  Mr.  Bouncer. 

Mr.  Bouncer  had  been  content  to  represent  the  prowess  of 
his  college  in  the  cricket-field,  and  had  never  aspired  to  any 
fame  as  an  oar.  The  exertions,  as  well  as  the  fame,  of  aquatic 
honours,  he  had  left  to  Mr.  Blades,  and  those  others  like  him 
who  considered  it  a  trifle  to  pull  down  to  Iffley  and  back  again, 
two  or  three  times  a  day,  at  racing  pace  with  a  fresh  spurt  put 
on  every  five  minutes.  Mr.  Bouncer,  too,  had  an  antipathy  to 
eat  beefsteaks  otherwise  than  in  the  state  in  which  they  are 
usually  brought  to  table ;  and,  as  it  seemed  a  sine  qu3,  non 
with  the  gentleman  who  superintended  the  training  for  the 
boat-races,  that  his  pupils  should  daily  devour  beefsteaks  which 
had  merely  looked  at  the  fire,  Mr.  Bouncer,  not  having  been 
brought  up  to  cannibal  habits,  was  unable  to  conform  himself 
to  this,  and  those  other  vital  principles  which  seemed  to  regu 
late  the  science  of  aquatic  training.  The  little  gentleman 
moreover,  did  not  join  with  the  "  Torpids  "  (as  the  second  boats 
of  a  college  are  called),  either,  because  he  had  a  soul  above 
them, — he  would  be  aut  Ccesar,  aut  nullus  ;  either  in  the  eight, 
or  nowhere, — or  else,  because  even  the  Torpids  would  cause 
him  more  trouble  and  pleasurable  pain  than  would  be  agreeable 
to  him.  When  Mr.  Bouncer  sat  down  on  any  hard  substance, 
he  liked  to  be  able  to  do  so  without  betraying  any  emotion 
that  the  action  caused  him  personal  discomfort ;  and  he  had 
noticed  that  many  of  the  Torpids — not  to  mention^  one  or  two 
of  the  eight — were  more  particular  than  young  men  usually 
are  about-  having  a  very  easy,  soft,  and  yielding  chair  to 
sit  on. 

Mr.  Bouncer,  too,  was  of  opinion  that  continued  blistera 
were  both  unsightly  and  unpleasant ;  and  that  rawness  was 
bad  enough  when  taken  in  conjunction  with  beefsteaks,  without 
being  extended  to  one's  own  hands.  He  had  also  a  summer 
passion  for  ices  and  creams,  which  were  forbidden  luxuries  to 
one  in  training, — although  (paradoxical  as  it  may  seem  to  say 
so)  they  trained  on  Isis  !  He  had  also  acquired  a  bad  habit  of 
getting  up  in  one  day,  and  going  to  bed  in  the  next, — keeping 
late  hours,  and  only  rising  early  when  absolutely  compelled  to 
do  so  in  order  to  keep  morning  chapel — a  habit  which  the 
trainer  would  have  interfered  with  considerably  to  the  littla 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE 


51 


gentleman's  advantage.  He  had  also  an  amiable  weakness 
for  pastry,  port,  claret,  "  et  hock  genus  omne ; "  and  would 
have  felt  it  a  cruelty  to  have  been  deprived  of  his  daily 
modicum  of  "  smoke ; "  and  in  all  these  points,  boat- training 
would  have  materially  interfered  with  his  comfort. 

Mr.  Bouncer,  therefore,  amused  himself  equally  as  much  to 
his  own  satisfaction  as  if  he  had  been  one  of  the  envied  eight, 
by  occasionally  paddling  about  with  Charles  Larkyns  in  an  old 
pair-oar,  built  by  Davis  and  King,  and  bought  by  Mr.  Bouncer 
of  its  late  Brazenfacian  proprietor,  when  that  gentleman,  after 
a  humorous  series  of  plucks,  rustications,  and  heavy  debts, 
had  finally  been  compelled  to  migrate  to  the  King's  Bench, 
for  that  purification  of  purse  and  person  commonly  designated 
"  whitewashing."  When  Charles  Larkyns  and  his  partner 
did  not  use  their  pair-oar,  the  former  occupied  his  outrigger 
skiff;  and  the  latter,  taking  Huz  and  Buz  on  board  a  sailing 
boat,  tacked  up  and  down  the  river  with  great  skill,  the  smoke 
gracefully  curling  from  his  meerschaum  or  short  black  pipe, — 
for  Mr.  Bouncer  disapproved  of  smoking  cigars  at  those  times 
when  the  wind  would  have  assisted  him  to  get  through  them. 

"  Hullo,  Giglamps !  here  we  are!  as  the  clown  savs  in  the 
pantermime,"  sung  out  the  little  gentleman  as  he  came  up 


with  our  hero,  who  was  performing  some  extraordinary  feats  in 
full  sight  of  the  University  crew,  who  were  just  starting  from 
their  barge ;  "  you  get  no' end  of  exercise  out  of  your  tub,  J 
should  think,  by  the  style  you  work  those  paddles.  They  gc 
in  and  out  beautiful!  Splish,  splash;  splish,  splash!  You 
must  be  one  of  the  wherry  identical  Kow-brothers-row,  whose 


56    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT 

voices  kept  tune  and  whose  oars  kept  time,  von  know. 
You  ought  to  go  and  splish-splash  in  the  Freshman's 
River,  Giglamps ; — but  I  forgot — you  ain't  a  freshman  now, 
are  you,  old  feller  ?  Those  swells  in  the  University  boats  look 
as  though  they  were  bursting  with  envy — not  to  say,  with 
laughter,"  added  Mr.  Bouncer,  sotto  voce.  "Who  taught  you 
to  do  the  dodge  in  such  a  stunning  way,  Giglamps  ?  " 

"Why,  last  term,  Charles  Larkyns  did,"  responded  Mr. 
Verdant  Green,  with  the  freshness  of  a  Freshman  still  liugering 
lovingly  upon  him.  "  I  've  not  forgotten  what  he  told  me, — to 
put  in  my  oar  deep,  and  to  bring  it  out  with  a  jerk.  But 
though  I  make  them  go  as  deep  as  I  can,  and  jerk  them  out  as 
much  as  possible,  yet  the  boat  will  keep  turning  round,  and  I 
can't  keep  it  straight  at  all ;  and  the  oars  are  very  heavy  and 
unmanageable,  and  keep  slipping  out  of  the  rowlocks — " 

"  Commonly  called  rullocks"  put  in  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  a 
parenthetical  correction,  or  marginal  note  on  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  words. 

"  And  when  the  Trinity  boat  went  by,  T  could  scarcely  get 
out  of  their  way;  and  they  said  very  unpleasant  things 
to  me ;  and,  altogether,  I  can  assure  you  that  it  has  made  me 
very  hot." 

"  And  a  capital  thing,-  too,  Giglamps,  this  cold  November 
day,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer ;  "  I  'm  obliged  to  keep  my  coppers 
warm  with  this  pea-coat,  and  my  pipe.  Charley  came  along 
side  me  just  now,  on  purpose  to  fire  off  one  of  his  poetical 
quotations.  He  said  that  I  reminded  him  of  Beattie's  Min 
strel  :— 

'  Dainties  he  heeded  not,  nor  gaud,  nor  toy, 
Save  one  short  pipe.' 

I  think  that  was  something  like  it.  But  you  see,  Giglamps, 
I  haven't  got  a  figure-head  for  these  sort  of  things  like  Charley 
has,  so  I  couldn't  return  his  shot ;  but  since  then,  to  me  deeply 
pondering,  as  those  old  Greek  parties  say,  a  fine  sample  of  our 
superior  old  crusted  jokes  has  come  to  hand;  and  when 
Charley  next  pulls  alongside,  I  shall  tell  him  that  I  am  like  that 
beggar  we  read  about  in  old  Slowcoach's  lecture  the  other  day, 
and  that,  if  I  had  been  in  the  humour,  I  could  have  sung  out, 
lo  Bacche  !  *  7  owe  baccy— d'ye  see,  Giglamps  ?  Weil,  old 
feller !  you  look  rather  puffed,  so  clap  on  your  coat ;  and,  if 
there's  a  rope's  end,  or  a  chain,  in  your  tub,  and  you  '11  just 
pay  it  out  here,  I  '11  make  you  fast  astern,  and  pull  you  down  the 

* "  Si  collibuisset.  ab  ovo 

"  Usque  ad  mala  citaret,  lo  Bacche  !  "— Hor.  Sat.  Lib.  L  8. 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE. 


river ;  and  then  you  '11  be  in  prime  condition  to  work  yourself 
up  again.  The  wind's"  in  our  back,  and  we  shall  get  or.  jolly." 
So  our  hero  made  fast  the  tub  to  his  friend's  sailing-boat, 
and  was  towed  as  far  as  the  Haystack.  During  the  voyage 
Mr.  Bouncer  ascertained  that  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  had 
improved  some  of  the  shining  hours  of  the  long  vacation  con 
siderably  to  Mr.  Yerdant  Green's  benefit,  by  teaching  him  the 
art  of  swimming — a  polite  accomplishment  of  which  our  hero 
had  been  hitherto  ignorant.  Little  Mr.  Bouncer,  therefore, 
felt  easier  in  his  mind,  if  any  repetition  of  his  involuntary  bath 
in  the  Gut  should  befal  our  hero  ;  and,  after  giving  him  (won 
derful  to  say)  some  correct  advice  regarding  the  management 
of  the  oars,  he  cast  off  the  Sylph,  and  left  her  and  our  here 
to  their  own  devices.  But, 
profiting  by  the  friendly  hints 
which  he  had  received,  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  made  con 
siderable  progress  in  the  skill 
and  dexterity  with  which  he 
feathered  his  oars ;  and  he 
sat  in  his  tub  looking  as  wise 
as  Diogenes  may  (perhaps) 
have  done  in  his.  He  more 
over  pulled  the  boat  back  to 
Hall's  without  meeting  with 
any  accident  worth  mention 
ing  ;  and  when  he  had  got 
on  shore  he  was  highly  com 
plimented  by  Mr.  Blades  and 
a  group  of  boating  gentlemen 
"  for  the  admirable  display  of 
science  which  he  had  aftbrded 
them." 

Mr.   Verdant    Green   was 
afterwards  taken  alternately 
by  Charles  Larkyns  and  Mr. 
Bouncer  in  their  pair-oar ;  so  that,  by  the  end  of  the  term,  h< 
at  any  rate  knew  more  of  boating  than  to  accept  as  one  of 
fundamental  rules,  "put  your  oar  in  deep,  and  bring  r 
with  a  jerk."  .        e 

In  the  first  week  in  December  he  had  an  opportunity  of 
pulling  over  a  fresh  piece  of  water.  One  of  those  inundations 
occurred  to  which  Oxford  is  so  liable,  and  the  meadow-land  to 
the  south  and  west  of  the  city  was  covered  by  the  flood.  . 


58    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VEBDAN1  GREEN, 

plied  to  and  from  the  railway  station  in  place  of  omnibuses ; 
the  Great  Western  was  not  to  be  seen  for  water ;  and,  at  the 
Abingdon-road  bridge,  at  Cold-harbour,  the  rails  were  washed 
away,  and  the  trains  brought  to  a  stand-still.  The  Isis  was 
amplified  to  the  width  of  the  Christchurch  meadows  ,  the 
Broad  Walk  had  a  peep  of  itself  upside  down  in  the  glassy 
mirror ;  the  windings  of  the  Cherwell  could  only  be  traced  by 
the  trees  on  its  banks.  There  was 

"  Water,  water  everywhere ;  " 

and  a  disagreeable  quantity  of  it  too,  as  those  Christchurch 
men  whose  ground-floor  rooms  were  towards  the  meadows  soon 
discovered.  Mr.  Bouncer  is  supposed  to  have  brought  out  one 
of  his  "  fine,  old,  crusted  jokes,"  when  he  asserted  in  reference 
to  the  inundation,  that  "Nature  had  assumed  a  lake  com 
plexion."  Posts  and  rails,  and  hay,  and  a  miscellaneous 
collection  of  articles,  were  swept  along  by  the  current,  together 
with  the  bodies  of  hapless  sheep  and  pigs.  But,  in  spite  of 
these  incumbrances,  boats  of  all  descriptions  were  to  be  seen 
sailing,  pulling,  skiffing,  and  punting,  over  the  flooded  meadows. 


Numerous  were  the  disasters,  and  many  were  the  boats  that 
were  upset. 

Indeed,  the  adventures  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green  would 
probably  have  here  terminated  in  a  misadventure,  had  he  not 
(thanks  to  Charles  Larky  ns)  mastered  the  art  of  swimming ; 
for  he  was  in  Mr.  Bouncer's  sailing-boat,  which  was  sailing 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE  59 

'  -Ver  the  fl°°d'  when  its  merriness  ^as  suddenly 
checked  by  its  grounding  on  the  stump  of  a  lopped  pollard 
willow,  and  forthwith  capsizing.  Our  hero,  who  had  been 
sitting  m  the  bows,  was  at  once  swept  over  by  the  sail  and 

f?oArmen>  T  ln  great  Perll;  but'  disengaging  himself 
from  the  cordage,  he  struck  out,  and  swam  to  a  willow  whose 
friendly  boughs  and  top  had  just  formed  an  asylum  for  Mr. 
Bouncer,  who  m  great  -anxiety  was  coaxing  Huz  and  Buz  to 
iwim  to  the  same  ark  of  safety. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Mr.  Bouncer  were  speedily  rescued 
trom  their  position,  and  were  not  a  little  thankful  for  their 

ft«nanp 


CHAPTER  VII. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  PARTAKES  OF  A  DOVE-TABT  AND  A 
SPREAD-EAGLE. 

"HTTLLO,  Giglamps,  you  lazy  beggar!"  said  the  cheery 
voice  of  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he  walked  into  our  hero's  bed 
room  one  morning  towards  the  end  of  term,  and  found  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  in  bed,  though  sufficiently  awakened  by  the 
Bounding  of  Mr.  Bouncer's  octaves  for  the  purposes  of  conversa 
tion  ;  "  this  '11  never  do,  you  know,  Giglamps  !  Cutting  chapel 
to  do  the  downy  !  Why,  what  do  you  mean,  sir  ?  Didn't  you 
ever  learn  in  the  nursery  what  happened  to  old  Daddy  Long* 
legs  when  he  wouldn't  say  his  prayers  ?  " 

"  Robert  did  call  me,"  said  our  hero,  rubbing  his  eyes  ;  "  but 
I  felt  tired,  so  I  told  him  to  put  in  an  <£ger" 

"  Upon  my  word,  young  'un,"  observed  Mr.  Bouncer, 
"  you're  a  coming  it,  you  are !  and  only  in  your  second  term, 
too.  What  makes  you  wear  a  nightcap,  Giglamps  ?  Is  it  to 
make  your  hair  curl,  or  to  keep  your  venerable  head  warm  ? 
Nightcaps  ain't  healthy ;  they  are  only  fit  for  long-tailed 
babbies,  and  old  birds  that  are  as  bald  as  coots  ;  or  else  for 
gents  that  grease  their  wool  with  'thine  incomparable  *  oil, 
Macassar/  as  the  noble  poet  justly  remarks." 

"  It  ain't  always  pleasant,"  continued  the  little  gentleman, 
who  was  perched  up  on  the  side  of  the  bed,  and  seemed  in  a 
Communicative  disposition,  "it  ain't  always  pleasant  to  turn  out 
for  morning  chapel,  is  it.  Giglamps  ?  But  it's  just  like  the  eela 
With  their  skinning  :  it  goes  against  the  grain  at  first,  but  you 


60    THE  FUBTHEB  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VEBDANT  GBEEN, 


soon  get  used  to  it.      When  I  first  came  up,  I  was  a  frightful 
lazy  beggar,  and  I  got  such  a  heap  of  impositions  for  not  keep. 


ing  my  morning  chapels,  that  I  was  obliged  to  have  three 
fellers  constantly  at  work  writing  'em  out  for  me.  This  was 
rather  expensive,  you  see ;  and  then  the  dons  threatened  to 
take  away  my  term  altogether,  and  bring  me  to  grief,  if  I  didn't 
be  more  regular.  So  I  was  obliged  to  make  a  virtuous  resolu 
tion,  and  I  told  Eobert  that  he  was  to  insist  on  my  getting  up 

in  a  morning,  and  I 
should  tip  him  at  the 
end  of  term  if  he  suc 
ceeded.  So  at  first 
he  used  to  come  and 
hammer  at  the  door ; 
but  that  was  no  go.  So 
then  he  used  to  come 
in  and  shake  me,  and 
try  to  pull  the  clothes 
off;  but,  you  see,  I 
always  used  to  prepare 
for  him,  by  taking  a 
good  supply  of  boots 
and  things  to  bed  with 
to  take  shies  at  the  beggar  till  he 


me ;     so   I  was  able 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE  61 

vanished,  and  left  me  to  snooze  peaceably.  You  see,  it 
ain't  every  feller  as  likes  to  have  a  Wellington  boot  at 
his  head ;  but  that  rascal  of  a  Eobert  is  used  to  those  trifles, 
and  I  was  obliged  to  try  another  dodge.  This  you  know 
was  only  of  a  morning  when  I  was  in  bed.  When  1  had 
had  my  breakfast,  and  got  my  imposition,  and  become 
Tirtuous  again,  I  used  to  slang  him  awful  for  having  let 
aae  cut  chapel ;  and  then  I  told  him  that  he  must  always  stand 
at  the  door  until  he  heard  me  out  of  bed.  But,  when 
the  morning  came,  it  seemed  running  such  a  risk,  you  see 
to  one's  lungs  and  a  1  those  sort  of  things  to  turn  out 
of  the  warm  bed  into  the  cold  chapel,  that  I  would  answer 
Eobert  when  he  hammered  at  the  door ;  but,  instead  of  getting 
ap,  I  would  knock  my  boots  against  the  floor,  as  though  I  was 
out  of  bed,  don't  you  see,  and  was  padding  about.  But  that 
wretch  of  a  Eobert  was  too  old  a  bird  to  be  caught  with  this 
dodge  ;  so  he  used  to  sing  out,  '  You  must  show  a  leg,  sir  ! ' 
and,  as  he  kept  on  hammering  at  the  door  till  I  did — for,  you 
see,  GKglamps,  he  was  looking  out  for  the  tip  at  the  end  of 
term,  so  it  made  him  persevere — and  as  his  beastly  hammering 
used,  of  course,  to  put  a  stopper  on  my  going  to  sleep  again,  I 
used  to  rush  out  in  a  frightful  state  of  wax,  and  show  a  leg. 
And  then,  being  well  up,  you  see,  it  was  no  use  doing  the 
downy  again,  so  it  was  just  as  well  to  make  one's  twilight  and 
go  to  chapel.  Don't  gape,  G-iglamps  ;  it's  beastly  rude,  and  I 
havn't  done  yet.  I'm  going  to  tell  you  another  dodge — one  ot 
old  Small's.  He  invested  money  in  an  alarum,  with  a  string 
from  it  tied  on  to  the  bed-clothes,  so  as  tc  pull  them  off  at 
whatever  time  you  chose  to  set  it.  But  I  never  saw  the  fun  of 
being  left  high  and  dry  on  your  bed  :  it  would  be  a  shock  to 
the  system  which  I  couldn't  stand.  But  even  this  dreadful 
expedient  would  be  better  than  posting  an  ceger ;  which,  you 
know,  you  didn't  ought  to  was,  Giglamps.  Well,  turn  out,  old 
feller !  I've  told  Eobert  to  take  your  commons  *  into  my 
room.  Smalls  and  Charley  are  coming,  and  I've  got  a  dove- 
tart  and  a  spread-eagle." 

"  Whatever  are  they  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 

*  The  rations  of  bread,  butter,  and  milk,  supplied  from  the  buttery 
Th«  breakfast-giver  tells  his  scout  the  names  of  those  ira-college  men  who 
are  coming  to  breakfast  with  him.  The  scout  then  collects  their  commons, 
which  thus  forms  the  substratum  of  the  entertainment  The  other 
things  are  of  course  supplied  by  the  giver  of  the  breakfast,  and  are  sen* 
in  by  the  confectioner.  As  to  the  knives  and  forks  and  crockery,  th* 
•cout  produces  them  from  his  common  stock. 


THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEK, 


"  Not  know  what  they  are !  "  cried  Mr.  Bouncer  ;  "  why  a 
dove-tart  is  what  mortals  call  a  pigeon-pie.  I  ain't  much  in 
Tennyson's  line,  but  it  strikes  me  that  dove-tarts  are  more 
poetical  than  the  other  thing  ;  spread-eagle  is  a  barn-door  fowl 
smashed  out  flat,  and  made  jolly  with  mushroom  sauce,  and  nc 
end  of  good  things.  I  don't  know  how  they  squash  it,  but 
I  should  say  that  they  sit  upon  it ;  I  daresay,  if  we  were  to 
inquire,  we  should  find  that  they  kept  a  fat  feller  on  purpose. 
But  you  just  come,  and  try  how  it  eats."  And,  as  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  bedroom  barely  afforded  standing  room,  even  for  one, 
Mr.  Bouncer  walked  into  the  sitting-room,  while  his  friend 
arose  from  his  couch  like  a  youthful  Adonis,  and  proceeded  to 

bathe  his  ambrosial  person, 
by  taking  certain  sanatory 
measures  in  splashing  about 
in  a  species  of  tub — a  per 
formance  which  Mr.  Bouncer 
was  wont  to  term  "  doing 
tumbies." 

«  What'll  you  take  for 
your  letters,  Giglamps  ?" 
called  out  the  little  gen 
tleman  from  the  other 
room  ;  "  the  Post's  in, 
and  here  are  three  for  you. 
Two  are  from  women, — 
young  uns  I  should  say, 
from  the  regular  ups  and 
downs,  and  right  angles : 
they  look  like  billy  duxes. 
Give  you  a  bob  for  them,  at 
a  venture  !  they  may  be  funny.  The  other  is  suspiciously 
like  a  tick,  and  ought  to  be  looked  shy  on.*  1  should 
advise  you  not  to  open  it,  but  to  pitch  it  in  the  tire :  it 
may  save  a  lit  of  the  blues.  It'  you  want  any  help  over 
shaving,  just  say  so,  Giglamps,  will  you,  before  I  go  ;  and 
then  I'll  hold  your  nose  for  you,  or  do  anything  else  that's 
civil  and  accommodating.  And,  when  you've  done  your 
tumbies,  come  in  to  the  dove-tart  and  the  spread-eagle."  And 
off  went  Mr.  Bouncer,  making  terrible  noises  with  his  post- 
horn,  in  his  strenuous  but  futile  endeavours  to  discover  the 
octaves. 

Our  hero  soon  concluded  his  "  tumbies  "  and  his  dressing 
(not  including  the  shaving),  and  made  his  way  to  Mr.  Bouncer'e 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  gjj 

rooms,  where  he  did  full  justice  to  the  dove-tart,  and  admired 
the  spread-eagle  so  much,  that  he  thought  of  bribing  the 
confectioner  for  the  recipe  to  take  home  as  a  Christmas-boi 
for  his  mother. 

"  Well,  Griglamps,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  when  breakfast  wag 
over,  "  to  spare  the  blushes  on  your  venerable  cheeks,  I  won't 
even  so  much  as  refer  to  the  billy  duxes ;  but,  I'll  only  ask,  what 
was  the  damage  of  the  tick  ?  " 

"  Oh !  it  was  not  a  bill,"  replied  Mr.  Verdant  Green ;  "  it 
was  a  letter  about  a  dog  from  the  man  of  whom  I  bought  Mop 
last  term." 

"  What!  Pithy  Lucre?"  cried  Mr.  Bouncer;  -'well,  I  thought, 
somehow,  I  knew  the  fist!  he  writes  just  as  if  he'd  learnt  from 
imitating  his  dogs'  hind-legs.  Let's  have  a  sight  of  it  if  it  ain't 
private  and  confidential !  " 

"Oh  dear  no  !  on  the  contrary,  I  was  going  to  show  it  to 
you,  and  ask  your  advice  on  the  contents."  And  Verdant 
handed  to  Mr.  Bouncer  a  letter,  which  had  been  elaborately 
sealed  with  the  aid  of  a  key,  and  was  directed  high  up  in  tbo 
left-hand  corner  to 

"  Virdon  grene  esqrc  braisenface 
collidge  Oxford." 

"  You  look  beastly  lazy,  Charley  !"  said  Mr.  Bouncer  to  Mr. 
Charles  Larky ns ;  "so,  while  1  fill  my  pipe,  just  spit  out  the 
letter,  pro  bono."  And  Charles  Larkyns,  lying  in  Mr.  Bouncer's 
easiest  lounging  chair,  read  as  follows  : — 

"  Onnerd  sir  i  tak  the  libbaty  of  a  Dressin  of  you  in  respex  of  A  dog 
which  i  wor  sorry  For  to  ear  of  your  Loss  in  mop  which  i  had  The  pleshur 
of  Sellin  of  2  you  onnerd  sir  A  going  astray  And  not  a  turnin  hup 
Bein  of  A  unsurtin  Tempor  and  guv  to  A  folarin  of  strandgers  which 
wor  maybe  as  ow  You  wor  a  lusein  on  him  onnerd  Sir  bein  Overdogd 
at  this  ere  present  i  can  let  you  have  A  rale  good  teryer  at  A  barrgiug 
which  wold  giv  sattefacshun  onnered  Sir  it  wor  12  munth  ago  i  Sold  to 
Bounser  esqre  a  red  smooth  air  terier  Dog  anserin  2  nam  of  Tug  as  wor 
rite  down  goodun  and  No  mistake  onuerd  Sir  the  purpurt  Of  this  ere 
is  too  say  as  ow  i  have  a  Hone  brother  to  Tug  black  tann  and  ful  ears  and 
If  you  wold  like  him  i  shold  bee  prowd  too  wate  on  you  onnerd  Sir  he 
wor  by  rcbbingsons  Twister  out  of  mister  jones  of  abingdons  Fan  of  witch 
brede  Bounser  esqre  nose  on  the  merritts  onuerd  Sir  he  is  very  Smal  and 
smooth  air  and  most  xlent  aither  for  wood  Or  warter  a  liter  before  Tug 
onnerd  Sir  is  nam  is  Vermin  and  he  hant  got  his  nam  by  no  mistake  as 
No  Vermin  not  even  poll  katts  can  live  long  before  him  onnerd  Sir  I 
considders  as  vermin  is  very  sootble  companniou  for  a  Gent  indors  or 
hout  and  bein  lively  wold  give  amoosement  i  shall  fele  it  A  plesmre  a 
waitin  on  you  onnerd  Sir  opin  you  will  pardin  the  libbaty  of  a  Dressir 
of  you  but  my  head  wor  ful  of  vermin  and  i  wishd  to  tel  you 
"  onnerd  Sir  yures 

2  komand  j.  Looker." 


04    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

"  The  nasty  beggar!  "  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  in  reference  to  the 

last  paragraph.     "  Well,   Giglamps  !  Filthy   Lucre  doen'nt  tell 


fibs  when  he  says  that  Tug  came  of  a  good  breed :  but  he  was 
BO  doosed  pugnacious,  that  he  was  always  having  set-to's  with 
Huz  and  Buz,  in  the  coal-shop  just  outside  the  door  here  ;  and 
so,  as  I'd  nowhere  else  to  stow  them,  I  was  obliged  to  give  Tug 
away.  Dr.  What's-his-name  says,  '  Let  dogs  delight  to  bark 
and  bite,  for  'tis  their  nature  to.'  But  then,  you  see,  it's  only 
a  delight  when  they  bite  somebody  elses  dog  ;  and  if  Dr.  What's 
his-name  had  had  a  kennel  of  his  own,  he  would'nt  have  took  it 
so  coolly ;  and,  whether  it  was  their  nature  so  to  do  or  not,  he 
would'nt  have  let  the  little  beggars,  that  he  fork'd  out  thirteen 
bob  a-year  for  to  the  government,  amuse  themselves  by  biting 
each  other,  or  tearing  out  each  other's  eyes ;  he'd  have  turn'd 
them  over,  don't  you  see,  to  his  neighbours'  dogs,  and  have  let 
them  do  the  biting  department  on  them.  And,  altogether, 
Giglamps,  I'd  advise  you  to  let  Filthy  Lucre's  Vermin  alone, 
and  have  nothing  to  do  with  the  breed!" 

So  Mr.  Verdant  Green  took  his  friend's  advice,  and  then  took 
himself  off  to  learn  boxing  at  the  hands,  and  gloves,   of  the 


AW   OXFORD   UNDERGEADUATE.  65 

Pi.tney  Pet ;  for  our  hero,  at  the  suggestion  of  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns,  had  thought  it  advisable  to  receive  a  few  lessons  in 
the  fistic  art,  in  order  that  he  might  be  the  better  able  to  defend 
himself,  should  he  be  engaged  in  a  second  Town  and  Gown.  He 
found  the  Pet  in  attendance  upon  Mr.  Foote  ;  and,  by  their 
mutual  aid,  speedily  mastered  the  elements  of  the  Art  of  Self- 
defence. 

Mr.  Foote's  rooms  at  St.  John's  were  in  the  further  corner  to 
the  right-hand  side  of  the  Quad,  and  had  windows  looking  into 
the  gardens.  When  Charles  had  held  his  Court  at  St.  John's, 
and  when  the  loyal  College  had  melted  down  its  plate  to  coin 
into  money  for  the  King's  necessities,  the  Royal  visitor  had 
occupied  these  very  rooms.  But  it  was  not  on  this  account 
alone  that  they  were  the  show  rooms  of  the  College,  and  that 
tutors  sent  their  compliments  to  Mr.  Foote,  with  the  request 
that  he  would  allow  a  party  of  friends  to  see  his  rooms.  It  was 
chiefly  on  account  of  the  lavish  manner  in  which  Mr.  Foote  had 
furnished  his  rooms,  with  what  he  theatrically  called  "  proper 
ties,"  that  made  them  so  sought  out:  and  country  lionisers  of 
Oxford,  who  took  their  impressions  of  an  Oxford  student's  room 
from  those  of  Mr.  Foote,  must  have  entertained  very  highly 
coloured  ideas  of  the  internal  aspect  of  the  sober-looking  old 
Colleges. 

The  sitting-room  was  large  and  lofty,  and  was  panelled  with 
oak  throughout.  At  the  further  end  was  an  elaborately  carved 
book-case  of  walnut  wood,  filled  with  books  gorgeously  bound 
in  every  tint  of  morocco  and  vellum,  with  their  backs  richly 
tooled  in  gold.  It  was  currently  reported  in  the  College  that 
"  Footelights  "  had  given  an  order  for  a  certain  number  of  feet 
of  books, — not  being  at  all  proud  as  to  their  contents, — and  had 
.aid  down  the  sum  of  a  thousand  pounds  (or  thereabouts)  for 
their  binding.  This  might  have  been  scandal ;  but  the  fact  of 
his  father  being  a  Colossus  of  (the  iron)  Roads,  and  indulging  his 
son  and  heir  in  every  expense,  gave  some  colour  to  the  rumour. 

The  panels  were  covered  with  the  choicest  engravings  (all 
proofs-before-letters),  and  with  water-colour  drawings  by 
Cattermole,  Cox,  Fripp,  Hunt,  and  Frederick  Tayler — their 
wide,  white  margins  being  sunk  in  light  gilt  frames.  Above 
these  gleamed  groups  of  armour,  standing  out  effectively  (and 
theatrically),  against  the  dark  oak  panels,  and  full  of  "  reflected 
lights,"  that  would  have  gladdened  the  heart  of  Macjise.  There 
were  couches  of  velvet,  and  lounging  chairs  of  every  variety  and 
shape.  There  was  a  Broadwood's  grand  piano-forte,  on  which 
Mr.  Foote,  although  uninstructed,  could  play  skilfully.  Then 


66    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VEKDANT  GREEN, 

were  round  tables  and  square  tables,  and  \vriting  tables  and 
there  were  side  tables  with  statuettes,  and  Swiss  carvings,  and 
old  china,  and  gold  apostle-spoons,  and  lava  ware,  and  Etruscan 
vases,  and  a  swarm  of  Spiers's  elegant  knick-knackeries.  There 
were  reading-stands  of  all  sorts  ;  Briarean-armed  brazen  onea 
that  fastened  on  to  the  chair  you  sat  in, — sloping  ones  to  rest 
on  the  table  before  you,  elaborately  carved  in  open  work,  and 
an  upright  one  of  severe  Gothic,  like  a  lectern,  where  you  were 
to  stand  and  read  without  contracting  your  chest.  Then 
there  were  all  kinds  of  stands  to  hold  books :  sliding  ones, 
expanding  ones,  portable  ones,  heavy  fixture  ones,  plain  maho 
gany  ones,  and  oak  ones  made  glorious  by  Margetts  with  the 
arms  of  Oxford  and  St.  John's,  carved  and  emblazoned  on 
the  ends. 

Mr.  Foote's  rooms  were  altogether  a  very  gorgeous  instance 
of  a  Collegian's  apartment ;  and  Mr.  Foote  himself  was  a  very 
striking  example  of  the  theatrical  undergraduate.  Possessing 
great  powers  of  mimicry  and  facial  expression,  he  was  able  to 
imitate  any  peculiarities  which  were  to  be  observed  either  in 
Dons  or  Undergraduates,  in  Presidents  or  Scouts.  He  could 
sit  down  at  his  piano,  and  give  you — after  the  manner  of 
Theodore  Hook,  or  John  Parry — a  burlesque  opera ;  singing 
high  up  in  his  head  for  the  prima  donna,  and  going  down  to 
his  boots  for  the  basso  profondo  of  the  great  Lablache.  He 
could  also  draw  corks,  saw  wood,  do  a  bee  in  a  handkerchief, 
and  make  monkeys,  cats,  dogs,  a  farm-yard,  or  a  full  band,  with 
equal  facility.  He  would  also  give  you  Mr.  Keeley,  in  "  Betsy 


Baker ;  "  Mr.  Paul  Bedford,  as  "  I  believe  you  my  bo-o-oy  .  * 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  «7 

Mr.  Buckstone,  as  Cousin  Joe,  and  "  Box  and  Cox ;  "  or  Mr. 
Wright,  as  Paul  Pry,  or  Mr.  Felix  Fluffy.  Besides  the 
comedians,  Mr.  Footelights  would  also  give  you  the  leading 
tragedians,  and  would  favour  you  (through  his  nose)  with  the 
popular  burlesque  imitation  of  Mr.  Charles  Kean,  as  Hallet, 
He  would  fling  himself  down  on  the  carpet,  and  grovel  there, 
as  Hamlet  does  in  the  play-scene,  and  would  exclaim,  with 
frantic  vehemence,  "He  poisods  hib  i'  the  garded,  for  his 
estate.  His  dabe's  Godzago :  the  story  is  extadt,  ad  writted 
id  very  choice  Italiad.  You  shall  see  adod,  how  the  burderer 
gets  the  love  of  Godzago's  wife."  Moreover,  as  his  room 
possessed  the  singularity  of  a  trap-door  leading  down  into  a 
wine-cellar,  Mr.  "  Footelights  "  was  thus  enabled  to  leap  down 
into  the  aperture,  and  carry  on  the  personation  of  Hamlet  in 
Ophelia's  grave.  As  the  theatrical  trait  in  his  character  wag 
productive  of  much  amusement,  and  as  he  was  also  considered 
to  be  one  of  those  hilarious  fragments  of  masonry,  popularly 
known  as '"jolly  bricks,"  Mr.  Foote's  society  was  greatly  cul 
tivated  ;  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  struck  up  a  warm  friendship 
with  him. 

But  the  Michaelmas  term  was  drawing  to  its  close.  Buttery 
and  kitchen  books  were  adding  up  their  sums  total ;  bursars 
were  preparing  for  battels  ;  *  witless  men  were  cramming  for 
Collections  ;  f  scouts  and  bedmakers  were  looking  for  tips  -, 
and  tradesmen  were  hopelessly  expecting  their  little  accounts. 
And,  in  a  few  days,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  might  have  been  seen 
at  the  railway  station,  in  company  with  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns 
and  Mr.  Bouncer,  setting  out  for  the  Manor  Green,  vid 
London — this  being,  as  is  well  known,  the  most  direct  route 
from  Oxford  to  Warwickshire. 

Mr.  Bouncer,  who  when  travelling  was  never  easy  in  his 
mind  unless  Huz  and  Buz  were  with  him  in  the  same  carriage, 
had  placed  these  two  interesting  specimens  of  the  canine 
species  in  a  small  light  box,  partially  ventilated  by  means  ol 
holes  drilled  through  the  top.  But  Huz  and  Buz,  not  much 
admiring  this  contracted  mode  of  conveyance,  and  probably 
suffering  from  incipient  asphyxia,  in  spite  of  the  admonitory 

*  Battels  are  the  accounts  of  the  expenses  of  each  student.  It  is  stated 
in  Todd's  Johmon  that  this  singular  word  is  derived  from  the  Saxon  verb, 
meaning  "  to  count  or  reckon."  But  it  is  stated  in  the  Gentleman's  Maga 
zine  for  1792,  that  the  word  may  probably  be  derived  from  the  Low-Ger 
man  word  bettahlen,  "to  pay,"  whence  may  come  our  English  word; 
tefe  or  score. 

f  College  Terminal  Examinations. 


68    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Kicks  against  their  box,  gave  way  to  dismal  howls,  at  the 
very  moment  when  the  guard  came  to  look  at  the  tickets. 

"  Can't  allow  dogs  in  here,  sir  !  they  must  go  in  the  locker," 
said  the  guard. 

"  Dogs  ?  "  cried  Mr.  Bouncer,  in  apparent  astonishment : 
"  they're  rabbits  !  " 

"  llabbits  ! "  ejaculated  the  guard,  in  his  turn.  "  Oh,  come, 
sir !  what  makes  rabbits  bark  ?  " 

"  What  makes  'em  bark  ?  Why,  because  they've  got  the 
pip,  poor  beggars!"  replied  Mr.  Bouncer,  promptly.  At 
which  the  guard  graciously  laughed,  and  retired ;  probably 
thinking  that  he  should,  in  the  end,  be  a  gainer  if  he  allowed 
Huz  and  Buz  to  journey  in  the  same  first-class  carriage  with 
their  master. 


CHAPTER    VIII. 

MB.  VERDAHT    GBEEN    SPENDS    A  MERRY    CHRISTMAS    AND    A   HAPP1 
NEW    YEAR. 

CHRISTMAS  had  come  ;  the  season  of  kindness,  and  hospita 
lity  ;  the  season  when  the  streams  of  benevolence  flow  full  in 
their  channels  ;  the  season  when  the  Honourable  Miss  Hyems 
indulges  herself  with  ice,  while  the  vulgar  Jack  Frost  regales 
himself  with  cold-without.  Christmas  had  come,  and  had 
brought  with  it  an  old  fashioned  winter  ;  and,  as  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  stands  with  his  hands  in  his  pockets,  and  gazes  from 
the  drawing-room  of  his  paternal  mansion,  he  looks  forth  upon 
a  white  world. 

The  snow  is  everywhere.  The  shrubs  are  weighed  down  by 
masses  of  it ;  the  terrace  is  knee-deep  in  it ;  the  plaster  Apollo, 
in  the  long-walk,  is  more  than  knee-deep  in  it,  and  is  furnished 
\\ith  a  surplice  and  wig,  like  a  half- blown  Bishop.  The 
distant  country  looks  the  very  ghost  of  a  landscape:  the  white- 
\\  ailed  cottages  seem  part  and  parcel  of  the  snow-drifts  around 
them, — drifts  that  take  every  variety  of  form,  and  are  swept  by 
die  wind  into  faery  Wreaths,  and  fantastic  caves.  The  old  mill- 
Vv  heel  is  locked  fast,  and  gemmed  with  giant  icicles ;  its  slippery 
tuairs  are  more  slippery  than  ever.  Golden  gorse  and  purple 
heather  are  now  all  of  a  colour ;  orchards  puts  forth  blossoms 
of  real  snow  ;  the  gently  swellmg  hills  look  bright  and  dazzling 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE 


09 


m  the  wintry  sun ;  the  grey  church  tower  has  grown  from 
grey  to  white ;  nothing  looks  black,  except  the  swarms  of 
rooks  that  dot  the  snowy  fields,  or  make  their  caws  (long 
as  any  Chancery-suit)  to  be  heard  from  among  the  dark 
branches  of  the  stately  elms  that  form  the  avenue  to  the 
Manor-Green. 

It  is  a  rare  busy  time  for  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole  the 
gardener !  he  is  always  sweeping  at  that  avenue,  and,  do  what  he 
will,  he  cannot  keep  it  clear  from  snow.  As  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  looks  forth  upon  the  white  world,  his  gaze  is  more  par 
ticularly  directed  to  this  avenue,  as  though  the  form  of  the  in 
telligent  Mr.  Mole  was  an  object  of  interest.  From  time  to  time 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  consults  his  watch  in  a  nervous  manner, 
and  is  utterly  indifferent  to  the  appeals  of  the  robin- 
redbreast  who  is  hopping 
about  outside,  in  expecta 
tion  of  the  dinner  which 
has  been  daily  given  to 
him. 

Just   when   the    robin, 
emboldened  by  hunger,  has 
oegun  to  tap  fiercely  with 
his  bill  against  the  win- 
do  w-paiie,  as  a  gentle  hint 
that    the    smallest     dona 
tions  of  crumbs  of  comfort 
will  be  thankfully  received, 
— Mr.  Verdant  Green,  ut 
terly  oblivious  of  robins  in 
general,  and  of  the  sharp 
pecks  of  this  one  in  parti 
cular,  takes  no  notice  of 
the  little  redbreast  waiter 
with  the  bill,  but,  slightly 
colouring  up,  fixes  his  gaze 
•upon  the  lodge-gate  through  which  a  group  of  ladies  and  gentle 
men  are  passing.     Stepping  back  for  a  moment,  and  stealing  a 
glance  at  himself  in  the  mirror,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  hurriedly  ar 
ranges  and  disarranges  his  hair — pulls  about  his  collar — ties  and 
unties  his  neck-handkerchief— buttons  and  then  unbuttons 
coat— takes  another  look  from  the  window— sees  the  intelli 
Mr.  Mole  (besom    in    hand)  salaaming  the    party,  and 
makes  a  rush  for  the  vestibule,  to  be  at  the  door  to  recei 
them. 


TO    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR,  VERDANT  OREENr 

Let  us  take  a  look  at  them  as  they  come  up  the  avenue. 
Place  auoc  dames,  is  the  proper  sort  of  thing;  but  as  there 
is  no  rule  without  its  exception,  and  no  adage  without  ita 
counter-proverb,  we  will  give  the  gentlemen  the  priority  of 
description. 

Hale  and  hearty,  the  picture  of  amiability  and  gentlemanly 
feeling,  comes  the  Rector,  Mr.  Larkyns,  sturdily  crunching  the 
frozen  snow,  which  has  defied  all  the  besom  powers  of  the  intel 
ligent  Mr.  Mole.  Here,  too,  is  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns,  and, 
moreover,  his  friend  Henry  Bouncer,  Esq.,  who  has  come  to 
christmas  at  the  Rectory.  Following  in  their  wake  is  a  fourth 
gentleman  attired  in  the  costume  peculiar  to  clergymen, 
dissenting  ministers,  linen-drapers'  assistants,  and  tavern 
waiters.  He  happens  to  belong  to  the  first-named  section,  and 
is  no  less  a  person  than  the  Rev.  Josiah  Meek,  B.A.,  (St. 
Christopher's  Coll.,  Oxon.) — who,  for  the  last  three  months, 
has  officiated  as  Mr.  Larkyns's  curate.  He  appears  to  be  of  a 
peace-loving,  lamb-like  disposition ;  and,  though  sportive  as  a 
lamb  when  occasion  requires,  is  yet  of  timid  ways  and  manners. 
He  is  timid,  too,  in  voice, — speaking  in  a  feeble  treble  ;  he  ia 
timid,  too,  in  his  address, — more  particularly  as  regards 
females  ;  and  he  has  mild-looking  whiskers,  that  are  far  too 
timid  to  assume  any  decided  or  obtrusive  colour,  and  have 
fallen  back  on  a  generalised  whitey-brown  tint.  But,  though 
timid  enough  in  society,  he  was  bold  and  energetic  in  the  dis 
charge  of  his  pastoral  duties,  and  had  already  won  the  esteem 
of  every  one  in  the  parish.  So,  Verdant  had  been  told,  when, 
on  his  return  from  college,  he  had  asked  his  sisters  how  they 
liked  the  new  curate.  They  had  not  only  heard  of  his  good 
deeds,  but  they  had  witnessed  many  of  them  in  their  visita 
to  the  schools  and  among  the  poor.  Mary  and  Fanny  were 
loud  in  his  praise  ;  and  if  Helen  said  but  little,  it  was  perhaps 
because  she  thought  the  more ;  for  Helen  was  now  of  the  sus 
ceptible  age  of  "sweet  seventeen,"  an  age  that  not  only  feels 
warmly  but  thinks  deeply  ;  and,  who  shall  say  what  feelings  and 
thoughts  may  lie  beneath  the  pure  waters  of  that  sea  of 
maidenhood  whose  surface  is  so  still  and  calm  ?  Love  alone 
can  tell : — Love,  the  bold  diver,  who  can  cleave  that  still  surface, 
and  bring  up  into  the  light  of  heaven  the  rich  treasures  that 
are  of  Heaven's  own  creation. 

With  the  four  gentlemen  come  two  ladies — young  ladies, 
moreover,  who,  as  penny-a-liners  say,  are  "  possessed  of  con 
siderable  personal  attractions."  These  are  the  Misses  Honey- 
wood,  the  blooming  daughters  of  the  rector's  only  sister;  and 


AN  OXFORD    DNDEBGIUDDATEL 


71 


they  have  come  from  the  far  laud  of  the  North,  and  are  ook. 
mg  as  fresh  and  sweet  as  their  own  heathery  hills.  The  rose* 
ol  health  that  bloom  upon  their  cheeks  have  been  brought 
into  full  blow  by  the  keen,  sharp  breeze;  the  shepherd's- 
plaid  shawls  drawn  tightly  around  them  give  the  outline  of 
ngures  that  gently  swell  into  the  luxuriant  line  of  beauty  and 
grace.  Altogether,  they  are  damsels  who  are  pleasant  to  the 
eye^  and  very  fair  to  look  upon. 

Since  they  had  last  visited  their  uncle  four  years  had 
passed,  and,  in  that  time,  they  had  shot  up  to  womanhood 
although  they  were  not  yet  out  of  their  teens.  Their 
father  was  a  landed  proprietor  living  in  north  Northumber 
land  ;  and,  like  other  landed  proprietors  who  live  under  the 
shade  of  the  Cheviots,  was 
rich  in  his  flocks,  and  his 
herds,  and  his  men-servants 
and  his  maid-servants,  and 
his  he-asses  and  his  she- 
asses,  and  was  quite  a 
modern  patriarch.  During 
the  past  summer,  the  rector 
had  taken  a  trip  to  North 
umberland,  in  order  to  see 
his  si«ter,  and  refresh  him 
self  with  a  clergyman's  fort 
night  at  Honeywood  Hall, 
and  he  would  not  leave 
his  sister  and  her  husband 
until  he  had  extracted  from 
them  a  promise  that  they 
would  bring  down  their  two 
eldest  daughters  and  christ- 
Kias  in  Warwickshire.  This 
was  accordingly  agreed  to, 
and,  more  than  that,  acted 
upon ;  and  little  Mr. 
Bouncerand  his  sister  Fanny 
were  asked  to  meet  them; 
but,  to  relieve  the  rector  of 
a  superfluity  of  lady  guests, 
Miss  Bouncer's  quarters  had  been  removed  to  the  Manoi 
Green- 
It  was  quite  an  event  in 
his  sisters.  Four  years  ago 


the   history  of  our  hero  and 
and  Kitty   and    Patty 


they, 


THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEK, 


Honeywood,  were  mere  chits,  for  whom  dolls  had  not  altogethei 
lost  their  interest,  and  who  considered  it  as  promotion  when  they 
satin  the  drawing-room  on  company  evenings,  instead  of  being 
shown  up  at  dessert.  Four  years  at  this  period  of  life  makes 
a  vast  change  in  young  ladies,  and  the  Green  and  Honeywood 
girls  had  so  altered  since  last  they  met,  that  they  had  almost 
needed  a  fresh  introduction  to  each  other.  But  a  day 'a 
intimacy  made  them  bosom  friends  ;  and  the  Manor  Green 
BOOH  saw  such  revels  as  it  had  not  seen  for  many  a  long  year. 

Every  night  there  were  (in  the  language  of  the  play-bills  of 
provincial  theatres)  "  singing  and  dancing,  with  a  variety  of 
other  entertainments  ;  "  the  "  other  entertainments"  occasion- 
allv  consisting  fas  is  scandalously  affirmed)  of  a  very  favourite 
jlass  of  entertainment — popular  at  all  times,  but  running  mad 
riot  at  the  Christmas  season — wherein  two  performers  of 
either  sex  take  their  places  beneath  a  wrhite-berried  bough 

and  go  through  a  species 
of  dance,  or  pas  de  fas 
cination,  accompanied  by 
mysterious  rites  and  so 
lemnities  that  have  been 
scrupulously  observed,  and 
handed  down  to  us,  from 
the  earliest  age.  » 

Mr.  Verdant  Green,  dur 
ing  the  short  —  alas  !  too 
short  —  Christmas  '  week, 
had  performed  more  polkas 
than  he  had  ever  danced 


in  his  life ;  and,  under 
the  charming  tuition  of 
Miss  Patty  Honeywood, 
was  fast  becoming  a  pro 
ficient  in  the  valse  a  deux 
temps.  As  yet,  the  whirl 
of  the  dance  brought  on  a 
corresponding  rotatory  mo 
tion  of  the  brain,  that  made 
everything  swim  before  his 
spectacles  in  a  way  winch 
will  be  easily  understood 
by  all  bad  travellers  wrho 
have  crossed  from  Dover  to 
Calais  with  a  chopping  sea  and  a  gale  of  wind.  But  Miss  Pavty 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE. 


71 


Honeywood  was  both  good-natured  and  persevering :  and  she 
allowed  our  hero  to  dance  on  her  feet  without  a  murmur 
and  watchfully  guided  him  when  his  giddy  vision  would  have 
led  them  into  contact  with  foreign  bodies. 

It  is  an  old  saying,  that  Gratitude  begets  Love.  Mr 
Verdant  Green  had  already  reached  the  first  part  of  tl\u 
dangerous  creation,  for  he  felt  grateful  to  the  pretty  Patty  foi 
the  good-humoured  trouble  she  bestowed  on  the  awkwardness 
which  he  now,  for  the  first  time,  began  painfully  to  perceive 
But,  what  his  gratitude  might  end  in,  he  had  perhaps  neve, 
taken  the  trouble  to  inquire.  It  was  enough  to  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  that  he  enjoyed  the  present ;  and,  as  to  the  future,  he 
fully  followed  out  the  Horatian  precept — 

Quid  sit  futurum  eras,  fuge  quserere ; 
*        *        *        nee  dulces  amores 

Sperne,  puer,  neque  tu  choreas. 

It  was  perhaps  ungrateful  in  our  hero  to  prefer  Miss  Patty 
Honeywood  to  Miss  Fanny  Bouncer,  especially  when  the 
latter  was  staying  in  the  house,  and  had  been  so  warmlj 
recommended  to  his  notice  by  her  vivacious  brother.  Especially 
too,  as  there  was  nothing  to  be  objected  to  in  Miss  Bouncer 
saving  the  fact  that  some  might  have  affirmed  she  was  a  trine 
too  much  inclined  to  embonpoint,  and  was  indeed  a  bouncer  iu 
person  as  well  as  in  name.  Especially,  too,  as  Miss  Fanny 


v  f 


Bouncer  was  both   good-humoured   and   clever,   and,  besiJt 

9 


74    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

being  mistress  of  the  usual  young-lady  accomplishments,  waa 
a  clever  proficient  in  the  fascinating  art  of  photography,  and 
had  brought  her  camera  and  chemicals,  and  had  not  only 
calotyped  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  but  had  made  no  end  of  dupli 
cates  of  him,  in  a  manner  that  was  suggestive  of  the  deepest 
admiration  and  affection.  But  these  sort  of  likings  are  not 
made  to  rule,  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  could  see  Miss  Fanny 
Bouncer  approach  without  betraying  any  of  those  symptoms 
of  excitement,  under  the  influence  of  which  we  had  the 
privilege  to  see  him,  as  he  gazed  from  the  window  of  his 
paternal  mansion,  and  then,  on  beholding  the  approaching  form 
of  Miss  Patty  Honeywood,  rush  wildly  to  the  vestibule. 

The  party  had  no  occasion  to  ring,  for  the  hall  door  was 
already  opened  for  them,  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  soon 
exchanging  a  delightful  pressure  of  the  hand  with  the  blooming 
Patty. 

"  We  were  such  a  formidable  party,"  said  that  young  lady, 
as  she  laughed  merrily,  and  thereby  disclosed  to  the  enrap 
tured  gazer  a  remarkably  even  set  of  white  teeth  ("  All  her 
own,  too! "  as  little  Mr.  Bouncer  afterwards  remarked  to  the 
enraptured  gazer)  ;  "  we  were  such  a  formidable  party,"  said 
Miss  Patty,  "that  papa  and  mamma  declared  they  would 
stay  behind  at  the  Rectory,  and  would  not  join  in  such  a 
visitation." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  replies,  "  Oh  dear !  I  am  very  sorry," 
and  looks  remarkably  delighted  —  though  it  certainly  may 
not  be  at  the  absence  of  the  respected  couple ;  and  he  then 
proclaims  that  everything  is  ready,  and  that  Miss  Bouncer 
a iid  his  sisters  had  found  out  some  capital  words. 

"What  a  mysterious  communication,  Verdant!"  remarks 
the  rector,  as  they  pass  into  the  house.  But  the  rector  is 
only  to  be  let  so  far  into  the  secret  as  to  be  informed  that,  at 
the  evening  party  which  is  to  be  held  at  the  Manor  Green 
that  night,  a  charade  or  two  will  be  acted,  in  order  to  diversify 
the  amusements.  The  Misses  Honeywood  are  groat  adepts  in 
this  sort  of  pastime ;  so,  also,  are  Miss  Bouncer  and  her 
brother.  For  although  the  latter  does  not  shine  as  a  mimic, 
yet,  as  he  is  never  deserted  by  his  accustomed  coolness,  he  has 
plenty  of  the  nonchalance  and  readiness  which  is  a  requisite 
for  charade  acting.  The  Miss  Honeywoods  and  Mr.  Bouncer 
bave  therefore  suggested  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  hia 
Bibters,  that  to  get  up  a  little  amateur  performance  would 
be  "  great  fun  ; "  and  the  suggestion  has  met  with  a  warm 
approval. 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  75 

The  drawing-room  at  the  Manor  Green  opened  by  large 
folding-doors  to  the  library  ;  so  (as  Mr.  Bouncer  observed  to 
our  hero),  "  there  you've  got  your  stage  and  your  drop-scene 
as  right  as  a  trivet ;  and,  if  you  stick  a  lot  of  candles  and 
lights  on  each  side  of  the  doors  in  the  library,  there  you'll 
have  a  regular  flare-up  that'll  show  off  your  venerable  gig- 
lamps  no  end." 

So  charades  were  determined  on ;  and,  when  words  had  been 
hunted  up,  a  council  of  war  was  called.  But,  as  the  ladies 
and  gentlemen  hold  their  council  with  closed  doors,  we 
cannot  intrude  upon  them.  We  must  therefore  wait  till  the 
evening,  when  the  result  of  their  deliberations  will  be  publicly 
manifested. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

*R     VERDANT   GREEN    MAKES    HIS    FIRST   APPEARANCE    ON  ANY 
BOARDS 

IT  is  the  last  night  of  December.      The  old  year,  worn  out 
and  spent  with  age,  lies  a 
dying,  wrapped  in  sheets  of 
snow. 

A  stern  stillness  reigns 
around.  The  st^ps  of  men 
are  muffled ;  no  echoing 
footfalls  disturb  the  solemn 
nature  of  the  time.  The 
little  runnels  weep  icy 
tears.  The  dark  pines  hang 
out  their  funereal  plumes, 
and  nod  with  their  weight 
of  snow.  The  elms  have 
thrown  off  their  green  robes 
of  joy,  and,  standing  up  in 
gaunt  nakedness,  wildly  toss 
to  heaven  their  imploriug 
arms.  The  old  year  lies  a 
dying. 

Silently  through  the  snow 
steal  certain  carriages  to  the  portals  of  the  Manor  Green. 


76    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

and,  with  a  ringing  of  bells  and  a  banging  of  steps,  the 
occupants  disappear  in  a  stream  of  light  that  issues  from  the 
hall  door.  Mr.  Green's  small  sanctum  to  the  right  of  the  hall 
has  been  converted  into  a  cloak-room,  and  is  fitted  up  with  a 
ladies'-maid  and  a  looking-glass,  in  a  manner  not  to  be  re 
membered  by  the  oldest  inhabitant. 

There  the  finishing  stroke  of  ravishment  is  given  to  the 
toilette  disarranged  by  a  long  drive  through  the  impeding  snow. 
There  Miss  Parkington  (whose  papa  has  lately  revived  his  old 
school  friendship  with  Mr.  Green)  discovers,  to  her  unspeak 
able  disgust,  that  the  ten  mile  drive  through  the  cold  has 
invested  her  cheek  with  purple  tin-ts,  and  given  to  her  retrousse 
(ill-natured  pedple  call  it  "  pug  ")  nose  a  hue  that  mocks 

The  turkey's  crested  fringe. 

There,  too,  Miss  Waters  (whose  paternities  had  hitherto  only 
been  on  morning-call  terms  with  the  Manor  Green  people,  but 
had  brushed  up  their  acquaintance  now  that  there  was  a  son  of 
marriageable  years  and  heir  to  an  independent  fortune) 


discovers  to  her  dismay  that  the  joltings  received  dimug  a 
»ix-mile  drive  through  snowed-up  lanes,  have  somewhat 
deteriorated  the  very  full-dress  aspect  of  her  attire,  and  con- 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE. 


siderably  flattened  its  former  balloon-like  dimensions.  And 
there,  too,  Miss  Brindle  (whose  family  have  been  hunted  up 
for  the  occasion)  makes  the  alarming  discovery  that,  in  the 
lurch  which  their  hack-fly  had  made  at  the  cross  roads,  hei 
brother  Alfred's  patent  boots  had  not  only  dragged  oft'  some 
yards  (more  or  less)  of  her  flounces,  but  had  also — to  use  her 
own  mystical  language — "torn  her  skirt  at  the  gathers  !" 

All,  however,  is  put  right  as  far  as  possible.  A  warm  at  the 
sanctum's  fire  diminishes  the  purple  in  Miss  Parkingtou's 
cheeks ;  and  the  maid,  by  some  hocus-pocus  peculiar  to  her 
craft,  again  inflates  Miss  Waters  into  a  balloon,  and  stitches  up 
Miss  Brindle's  flounces  and  "gathers."  The  ladies  join  their 
respective  gentlemen,  who  have  been  cooling  their  toes  and 
uttering  warm  anathemas  in  the  hall ;  and  the  party  sail,  arm- 
in-arm,  into  the  drawing-room,  and  forthwith  fall  to  livelj 
remarks  on  that  neutral  ground  of  conversation,  the  weather. 


Mr.  Verdant  Green  is  there,  dressed  with  elaborate  n.agni 


78    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

ficence  ;  but  he  continues  in  a  state  of  listless  apathy,  and  ia 
indifferent  to  the  "  lively  "  rattle  of  the  balloon-like  Miss 
Waters,  until  John  the  footman-  (who  is  suffering  from 
influenza)  rouses  him  into  animation  by  the  magic  talisman 
"  Bister,  Bissis,  an'  the  Biss  'Oneywoods ;"  when  he  beams 
through  his  spectacles  in  the  most  benign  and  satisfied  manner. 
The  Misses  Houeywood  are  as  blooming  as  usual:  the  cold 
air,  instead  of  spoiling  their  good  looks,  has  but  improved  their 
healthy  style  of  beauty  ;  and  they  smile,  laugh,  and  talk  in  a 
perfectly  easy,  unaffected,  and  natural  manner.  Mr.  Yerdan/ 
Green  at  once  makes  his  way  to  Miss  Patty  Honey  wood's  side, 
and,  gracefully  standing  beside  her,  coffee-cup  in  hand,  plunges 
headlong  into  the  depths  of  a  tangled  conversation. 

Meanwhile,  the  drawing-room  of  the  Manor  Green  becomes 
filled  in  a  way  that  has  not  been  seen  for  many  a  long  year ; 
and  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole,  the  gardener  (who  has  been 
impressed  as  an  odd  man  for  the  occasion,  and  is  served  up  in 
a  pseudo-livery  to  make  him  more  presentible),  sees  more 
"  genteel "  people  than  have,  for  a  long  time,  been  visible  to 
his  naked  eye.  The  intelligent  Mr.  Mole,  when  he  has  after 
wards  been  restored  to  the  bosom  of  Mrs.  Mole  and  his  family, 
confides  to  his  equally  intelligent  helpmate  that,  m  his  opinion, 
"Master  has  guv  the  party  to  get  husbands  for  the  young 
ladies  " — an  opinion  which,  though  perhaps  not  founded  on 
fact  so  far  as  it  related  to  the  party  which  was  the  subject 
of  Mr.  Mole's  remark,  would  doubtless  be  applicable  to  many 
similar  parties  given  under  somewhat  similar  circumstances. 

It  is  not  improbable  that  the  intelligent  Mr.  Mole  may 
have  based  his  opinion  on  a  circumstance — which,  to  a  gentle 
man  of  his  sagacity,  must  have  carried  great  weight — namely, 
that  whenever  in  the  course  of  the  evening  the  hall  was  made 
the  promenade  for  the  loungers  and  dancers,  he  perceived, 
firstly,  that  Miss  Green  was  invariably  accompanied  by  Mr. 
Charles  Larkyns ;  secondly,  that  the  Rev.  Josiah  Meek  kept 
Miss  Helen  dallying  about  the  wine  and  lemonade  tray  much 
longer  than  was  necessary  for  the  mere  consumption  of  the 
cooling  liquids ;  arid  thirdly,  that  Miss  Fanny,  who  was  a  pert, 
tafkative  Miss  of  sixteen,  was  continually  to  be  found  there 
with  either  Mr.  Henry  Bouncer  or  Mr.  Alfred  Brindle  dancing 
attendance  upon  her.  But,  he  this  as  it  may,  the  intelligent 
Mr.  Mole  was  impressed  with  the  conviction  that  Mr.  Green 
nad  called  his  young  friends  together  as  to  a  matrimonial 
auction,  and  that  his  daughters  were  to  be  put  up  without 
reserve,  and  knocked  down  to  the  highest  bidder. 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE. 


7S 


All  the  party  have  arrived.  The  weather  has  been  talked 
Dver  for  the  last  time  (for  the  present)  ;  a  harp,  violin,  and 
a  cornet»a-piston  from  the  county  town,  influenced  by  the 
spirit  of  gin-and- water,  are  heard  discoursing  most  eloquent 
music  in  the  dining-room,  whicL  has  been  cleared  cut  for  the 
dance.  Miss  Patty  Honeywood,  accepting  the  offer  of  Mr. 
Verdant  GTreen's  arm,  swims  joyously  out  of  the  room  ;  other 
ladies  and  gentlemen  pair,  and  follow  :  the  ball  is  opened. 

A  polka  follows  the  quadrille  ;  and,  while  the  dancers  rest 
awhile  from  their  exertions,  or  crowd  around  the  piano  in  the 
drawing-room  to  hear  the  balloon-like  Miss  Waters  play  a 
firework  piece  of  music,  in  which  execution  takes  the  place  of 
melody,  and  chromatic  scales  are  discharged  from  her  fingera 
like  showers  of  rockets,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  mysteriously 
weeds  out  certain  members  of  the  party,  and  vanishes  with 
them  up-stairs. 

"When  Miss  Waters  has  discharged  all  her  fireworks,  and 
has  descended  from  the  throne  of  her  music-stool,  a  set  o 
Lancers  is  formed ;  and,  while  the  usual  mistakes  are  being 
made  in  the  figures,  the  dancers  find  a  fruitful  subject  of  con 


versation  in   surmises   that  a  charade  is  going  to  be  acted 
The  surmise  proves  to  be  correct :  lor  when  the  set  b»f»  beon 


60    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

brought  to  an  end  with  that  peculiar  in-and-oub  turn-tun** 
tiddle-iddle-tum-tum-tum  movement  which  characterises  the 
last  figure  of  Les  Landers,  the  trippers  on  the  light  fantastic 
toe  are  requested  to  assemble  in  the  drawing-room,  where  the 
chairs  and  couches  have  been  pulled,  up  to  face  the  folding 
doors  that  lead  into  the  library.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  appears; 
and,  after  announcing  that  the  word  to  be  acted  will  be  one  of 
three  syllables,  and  that  each  syllable  will  be  represented  by 
itself,  and  that  then  the  complete  word  will  be  given,  throws 
open  the  folding  doors  for 

SCEFE  I.  Syllable  1. — Enter  the  Miss  Honeywoods,  dressed 
in  fashionable  bonnets  and  shawls.  They  are  shown  in  by 
a  footman  (Mr.  Bouncer)  attired  in  a  peculiarly  ingenious  and 
effective  livery,  made  by  pulling  up  the  trousers  to  the  knee, 
and  wearing  the  dress-coat  inside  out,  so  .as  to  display  the 
crimson  silk  linings  of  the  sleeves  :  the  effect  of  Mr.  Bouncer's 
appearance  is  considerably  heightened  by  a  judicious  outlay  of 
flour  sprinkled  over  his  hair.  Mr.  Bouncer  (as  footman)  gives 
the  ladies  chairs,  and  inquires,  "  What  name  shall  I  be  pleased 
to  say,  mem  ?  "  Miss  Patty  answers  in  a  languid  and  fashion 
able  voice,  "  The  Ladies  Louisa  and  Arabella  Mountfidget." 
Mr.  Bouncer  evaporates  with  a  low  bow,  leaving  the  ladies  to 
play  with  their  parasols,  and  converse.  Lady  Arabella  (Miss 
Patty)  then  expresses  a  devout  wish  that  Lady  Trotter  (wife 
of  Sir  Lambkin  Trotter,  Bart.),  in  whose  house  they  are  sup 
posed  to  be,  will  not  keep  them  waiting  as  long  as  she  detained 
her  aunt,  Lady  Bellwether,  when  the  poor  old  lady  fell  asleep 
from  sheer  fatigue,  and  was  found  snoring  on  the  sofa.  Lady 
Louisa  then  falls  to  an  inspection  of  the  card-tray,  and  reads 
the  paste-boards  of  some  high-sounding  titles  not  to  be  found 
m  Debrett,  and  expresses  wonder  as  to  where  Lady  Trotter 
can  have  picked  up  the  Duchess  of  Ditchwater's  card,  as  she 
(Lady  Louisa)  is  morally  convinced  that  her  Grace  can  never 
have  condescended  to  have  even  sent  in  her  card  by  a  footman. 
Becoming  impatient  at  the  non-appearance  of  Lady  Trotter, 
Miss  Patty  Honeywood  then  rings  the  bell,  and,  with  much 
asperity  c£  manner,  inquires  of  Mr.  Bouncer  (as  footman)  if 
Lady  Trotter  is  informed  that  the  Ladies  Louisa  and  Arabella 
Mountfidget  are  waiting  to  see  her  ?  Mr.  Bouncer  replies, 
with  a  footman's  bow,  and  a  footman's  ^exasperation  of  his  h's, 
"  Me  lady  is  haweer  hof  your  ladyships'  visit ;  but  me  lady  is 
at  present  hunable  to  happear:  me  lady,  'owever,  has  give 
me  a  message,  which  she  hasks  me  to  deliver  to  your  lady 
ships.'*  "Then  why  don't  you  deliver  it  at  oflce,"  says  Miss 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  81 

Patty,  "  and  not  waste  the  valuable  time  of  the  Ladies  Louisa 
and  Arabella  Mountfidget  ?  What  is  the  message  ?  "  "  Me 
lady,"  replies  Mr.  Bouncer,  "  requests  me  to  present  ber 
compliments  to  your  ladyships,  and  begs  me  to  hinform  you 
that  me  lady  is  a  cleaning  of  herself!  "  Amid  great  laughter 
from  the  audience,  the  Ladies  Mountfidget  toss  4heir  heada 
and  flutter  grandly  out  of  the  room,  followed  by  the  floured 
footman  ;  while  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  unseen  by  those  in  front, 
pushes-to  the  folding  doors,  to  show  that  the  first  syllable  is 
performed. 

Praises  of  the  acting,  and  guesses  at  the  word,  agreeably  fill 
up  the  time  till  the  next  scene.  The  Eevd.  Josiah  Meek,  who 
is  not  much  used  to  charades,  confides  to  Miss  Helen  Green 
that  he  surmises  the  word  to  be,  either  "  visitor  "  or  "  impu 
dence  ; "  but,  as  the  only  ground  to  this  surmise  rests  on  these 
two  words  being  words  of  three  syllables,  Miss  Helen  gently 
repels  the  idea,  and  sagely  observes,  "  we  shall  see  more  in  the 
next  scene." 

SCENE  II.  Syllable  2. — The  folding-doors  open,  and  discover 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  as  a  sick  gentleman,  lying  on  a  sofa,  in  a 
dressing-gown,  with  pillows  under  his  head,  and  Miss  Patty 
Honey  wood  in  attendance  upon  him.  A  table,  covered  with 
glasses  and  medicine  bottles,  is  drawn  up  to  the  sufferer's  couch 
in  an  inviting  manner.  Miss  Patty  informs  the  sufferer  that 
the  time  is  come  for  him  to  take  his  draught.  The  sufferer 

f  roans  in  a  dismal  manner,  and  says,  "  Oh  !  is  it,  my  dear  ?  " 
he  replies,  "  Yes  !  you  must  take  it  now  ;  "  and  sternly  poura 
some  sherry  wine  out  of  the  medicine  bottle  into  a  cup.  The 
sufferer  makes  piteous  faces,  and  exclaims,  "  It  is  so  nasty,  I 
can't  take  it,  my  love  !  "  (It  is  to  be  observed  that  Mr.  Verdant 
Green,  skilfully  taking  advantage  of  the  circumstance  that  Miss 
Patty  Honeywood  is  supposed  to  represent  the  wife  of  the 
sufferer,  plentifully  besprinkles  his  conversation  with  endearing 
epithets.)  When,  after  much  persuasion  and  groaning,  the 
sufferer  has  been  induced  to  take  his  medicine,  his  spouse 
announces  the  arrival  of  the  doctor ;  when,  enter  Mr.  Bouncer, 
still  floured  as  to  his  head,  but  wearing  spectacles,  a  long  black 
coat,  and  a  shirt-frill,  and  having  his  dress  otherwise  altered  so 
as  to  represent  a  medical  man  of  the  old  school.  The  doctor 
asks  what  sort  of  a  night  his  patient  has  had,  inspects  his 
tongue  with  professional  gravity,  feels  his  pulse,  looks  at  his 
watch,  and  mysteriously  shakes  his  head.  He  then  commencrs 
thrusting  and  poking  Mr.  Verdant  Green  in  var'ous  parts  of  his 
body, — after  the  manner  of  doctors  with  their  victims,  and 

9* 


82    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

farmers  with  their  beasts,  —  enquiring  between  each  poke, 
"  Does  that  hurt  you  ?  "  and  being  answered  by  a  convulsive 
"  Oh  !  "  and  a  groan  of  agony.  The  doctor  then  prescribes  a 
draught  to  be  taken  every  half-hour,  with  the  pills  and  blister 
at  bed-time  ;  and,  after  covering  his  two  fellow-actors  with 
confusion,  by  observing  that  he  leaves  his  patient  in  admirable 
hands,  and,  that  in  an  affection  of  the  heart,  the  application  ol 
lip-salve  and  warm  treatment  will  give  a  decided  tone  to  the 
system,  and  produce  soothing  and  grateful  emotions — takes  his 
leave ;  and  the  folding-doors  are  closed  on  the  blushes  of  Miss 
Patty  Honeywood,  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 

More  applause :  more  agreeable  conversation  :  more  ingenious 


speculations.  The  Eevd.  Josiah  Meek  is  now  of  opinion  that 
the  word  is  either  "  medicine  "  or  "  suffering."  Miss  Helen 
still  sagely  observes,  "  we  shall  see  more  in  the  next  scene." 

SCENE  III.  Syllable  8. — Mr.  Verdant  Green  discovered 
sitting  at  a  table  furnished  with  pens  and  ink,  books,  and  rolls 
of  paper.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  wears  on  his  head  a  Chelsea 
pensioner's  cocked-hat  (the  "  property  "  of  the  Family, — as  Mr, 
Footelights  would  have  said),  folded  into  a  shovel  shape ;  and 
ie  supposed  to  accurately  represent  the  outside  of  a  Londor 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  gg 

publisher.    To  him  enter  Mr.  Bouncer — the  flour  off  his  head 

coat  buttoned  tightly  to  the  throat,  no  visible  linen,  and 
wearing  in  his  face  and  appearance  generally,  "the  garb  of 
humility."  Says  the  publisher  "  Now,  sirj  please  to  state  your 
business,  and  be  quick  about  it :  I  am  much  engaged  in  looking* 
over  for  the  press  a  work  of  a  distinguished  author,  which  1 
am  just  about  to  publish."  Meekly  replies  the  other,  as  he  holda 
under  his  arm  an  immense  paper  packet :  "  It  is  about  a  work 
of  my  own,  sir,  that  I  have  now  ventured  to  intrude  upon  you. 
I  have  here,  sir,  a  small  manuscript,"  (producing  his  roll  of  a 
book),  "  which  I  am  ambitious  to  see  given  to  the  world  through 
the  medium  of  your  printing  establishment."  To  him,  the 
Publisher — "  Already  am  I  inundated  with  manuscripts  on  all 
possible  subjects,  and  cannot  undertake  to  look  at  any  more  for 
some  time  to  come.  What  is  the  nature  of  your  manuscript  ?  " 
Meekly  replies  the  other — "  The  theme  of  my  work,  sir,  is  a 
History  of  England  before  the  Flood.  The  subject  is  both  new 
and  interesting.  It  is  to  be  presumed  that  our  beloved  country 
existed  before  the  Flood :  if  so,  it  must  have  had  a  history.  I 
have  therefore  endeavoured  to  fill  up  what  is  lacking  in  the 
annals  o'f  our  land,  by  a  record  of  its  antediluvian  state,  adapted 
to  the  meanest  comprehension,  and  founded  on  the  most 
baseless  facts.  I  am  desirous,  sir,  to  see  myself  in  print.  I 
should  like  my  work,  sir,  to  appear  in  large  letters ;  in  very 
large  letters,  sir.  Indeed,  sir,  it  would  give  me  joy,  if  you 
would  condescend  to  print  it  altogether  in  capital  letters  :  my 
magnum  opus  might  then  be  called  with  truth,  a  capital  work." 
To  him,  the  Publisher — "  Much  certainly  depends  on  the 
character  of  the  printing."  Meekiy  the  author — "  Indeed,  sir, 
it  does.  A  great  book,  sir,  should  be  printed  in  great  letters. 
If  you  will  permit  me,  I  will  show  you  the  size  of  the  letters  in 
which  I  should  wish  my  book  to  be  printed."  Mr.  Bouncer 
then  points  out  in  some  books  on  the  table,  the  printing  he 
most  admires ;  and,  beseeching  the  Publisher  to  read  over  his 
manuscript,  and  think  favourably  of  his  History  of  England 
before  the  Flood,  makes  his  bow  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and 
the  Chelsea  pensioner's  cocked  hat. 

More  applause,  and  speculations.  The  Eevd.  Josiah  Meek 
confident  that  he  has  discovered  the  word.  It  must  be  either 
"  publisher"  or  "  authorship."  Miss  Helen  still  sage. 

SCENE  IV.  The  Word. — Miss  Bouncer  discovered  with  her 
camera,  arranging  her  photographic  chemicals.  She  soliloquises. 
"  There  !  now,  all  is  ready  for  my  sitter."  She  calls  the  footman 
(Mr.  Verdant  Green),  and  says,  "John,  you  may  show  the 


84    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

Lady  Fitz-Canute  upstairs."  The  footman  shows  in  Miss 
Honeywood,  dressed  in  an  antiquated  bonnet  and  mantle, 
waving  a  huge  fan.  ^John  gives  her  a  chair,  into  which  ska 
drops,  exclaiming,  "  What  an  insufferable  toil  it  is  to  ascend  to 
these  elevated  Photographic  rooms  ;  "  and  makes  good  use  oi 
her  fan.  Miss  Bouncer  then  fixes  the  focus  of  her  camera,  and 
begs  the  Lady  Eitz-Canute  to  sit  perfectly  still,  and  to  call  up 
an  agreeable  smile  to  her  face.  Miss  Honeywood  thereupon 
disposes  her  face  in  ludicrous  "  wreathed  smiles  ;  "  and  Miss 
Bouncer's  head  disappears  under  the  velvet  hood  of  the 
camera.  "  I  am  afraid,"  at  length  says  Miss  Bouncer,  "  I  am 
afraid  that  I  shall  not  be  able  to  succeed  in  taking  a  likeness  of 
your  ladyship  this  morning."  "  And  why,  pray  ?  "  asks  her 
ladyship  with  haughty  surprise.  "  Because  it  is  a  gloomy  day," 
replies  the  Photographer,  "  and  much  depends  upon  the  rays 
of  light."  "  Then  procure  the  rays  of  light !  "  "  That  is  more 
than  I  can  do."  "  Indeed  !  I  suppose  if  the  Lady  Fitz- Canute 
wishes  for  the  rays  of  light,  and  condescends  to  pay  for  the  rays 
of  light,  she  can  obtain  the  rays  of  light."  Miss  Bouncer 
considers  this  too  exigewit,  and  puts  her  sitter  off  by  promising 
to  complete  a  most  fascinating  portrait  of  her  or  joine  more 
favourable  day.  Lady  Fitz- Canute  appears  to  be  somewhat 
mollified  at  this,  and  is  graciously  pleased  to  observe,  "  Then  I 
will  undergo  the  fatigue  of  ascending  to  these  elevated  Photo 
graphic-rooms  at  some  future  period.  But,  mind,  when  I  next 
come,  that  you  procure  the  rays  of  light !  "  So  she  is  shown 
out  by  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  and  the  folding-doors  are  closed 
amid  applause,  and  the  audience  distract  themselves  with  guesses 
as  to  the  word. 

"  Photograph "  is  a  general  favourite,  but  is  found  not  to 
agree  with  the  three  first  scenes,  although  much  ingenuity  is 
expended  in  endeavouring  to  make  them  fit  the  word.  The 
Curate  makes  a  headlong  rush  at  the  word  "  Daguerreotype," 
and  is  confident  that  he  has  solved  the  problem,  until  he  is 
informed  that  it  is  a  word  of  more  than  three  syllables.  Charles 
Larkyns  has  already  whispered  the  word  to  Mary  Green ;  but 
they  keep  their  discovery  to  themselves.  At  length,  the  Revd. 
Josiah  Meek,  in  a  moment  of  inspiration,  hits  upon  the  word, 
and  proclaims  it  to  be  CALOTT.PE  ("  Call — oh ! — type  ;  ")  upon 
which  Mr.  Alfred  Brindle  declares  to  Miss  Fanny  Green  that 
he  had  fancied  it  must  be  that,  all  along,  and,  in  fact,  was  just 
on  the  point  of  saying  it :  and  the  actors,  coming  in  in  a  body, 
receive  the  violet-crowns  and  laurel -wreaths  of  praise  as  the 
meed  of  their  exertions.  Perhaps,  the  Miss  Honey woo&»  and 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE. 


85 


Mr.  Bouncer  receive  larger  crowns  than  the  otaers,  but  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  gets  his  due  share,  and  is  fully  satisfied  with  his 
first  appearance  on  "the  boards." 

Dancing  then  succeeds,  varied  by  songs  from  the  younp; 
ladies,  and  discharges  of  chromatic  fireworks  from  the  fingers  of 
Miss  Waters,  for  whom  Charles  Larkyns  does  the  polite,  in 
turning  over  the  leaves  of  her  music.  Then  some  carol-singers 
come  to  the  Hall-door,  and  the  bells  of  the  church  proclaim,  in 


joyful  peals,  the  birth  of  the  New  Year ;— a  new  year  of  hop.  s, 
and  joys,  and  cares,  and  griefs,  and  unions,  and  partings  ;— a 
new  year  of  which,  who  then  present  shall  see  the  end  ?  who 
shall  be  there  to  welcome  in  its  successor  ?  who  shall  ^  IR' 
absent,  laid  in  the  secret  places  of  the  earth  ?  Ah,  who  ?  1  or, 
even  in  the  midst  of  revelry  and  youth,  the  joy-peals  of  thus.- 
old  church  bells  can  strike  the  key-note  of  a  wail  of  grief. 

Another  charade  follows,  in  which  new  actors  join, 
comes  a  merry  supper,  in  which  Mr.  Alfred  Brindle,  in  oroei 
give  himself  courage  to  appear  in  the  next  charade,  takes  more 


86    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEK. 

champagne  than  is  good  for  him ;  in  which,  too  (probably, 
from  similar  champagney  reasons),  Miss  Parkington  s  unfortu« 
nately  self-willed  nose  again  assumes  a  more  roseate  Hue  than 
is  becoming  to  a  maiden  ;  in  which,  too,  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
being  called  upon  to  return  thanks  for  "  the  ladies  " — (toast, 
proposed  in  eloquent  terms  by  H.  Bouncer,  Esq.,  and  drunk 
"with  the  usual  honours/') — is  so  alarmed  at  finding  him seli 
upon  his  legs,  that  his  ideas  altogether  vanish,  and  in  great 
confusion  of  utterance,  he  observes, — "  I- — I — ladies  and  gentle 
men — feel— I — I — a — feel— assure  you — grattered  and  flat* 
tified — 'I  mean,  flattered  and  gratified— being  called  on — return 
thanks— I — I — a — the  ladies — give  a  larm  to  chife — I  mean, 
charm  to  life — (applause) — and^a — a — grace  by  their  table 
this  presence, — I  mean— a — a — (applause), — and  joytened  our 
eye — I  mean,  heighted  our  joy,  to»night — (applause) , — in  their 
name — thanks — honour.''  Mr.  Verdant  Green  takes  advantage 
of  the  applause  which  follows  these  incoherent  remarks,  aud 
sits  down,  covered  with  confusion,  but  thankful  that  the 
struggle  is  over. 

More  dancing  follows.  Our  hero  performs  prodigies  in  the 
valse  a  deux  temps,  and  twirls  about  until  he  has  not  a  leg  left 
to  stand  upon.  The  harp,  the  violin,  and  the  cornet-a-piston, 
from  the  county-town,  play  mechanically  in  their  sleep,  and 
can  only  be  roused  by  repeated  applications  of  gin-and-water. 
Carriages  are  ordered  round :  wraps  are  in  requisition :  the 
mysterious  rites  under  the  white-berried  bush  are  stealthily 
repeated  for  the  last  time  :  the  guests  depart,  as  it  were,  in  a 
heap  ;  the  Rectory  party  being  the  last  to  leave.  The  intel 
ligent  Mr.  Mole,  who  has  fuddled  himself  by  an  injudicious 
mixture  of  the  half-glasses  of  wine  left  on  the  supper-table,  is 
exasperated  with  the  butler  for  not  allowing  him  to  assist  in 
putting  away  the  silver ;  and  declares  that  he  (the  butler)  is 
"a  hold  himage,"  for  which,  he  (the  intelligent  Mr.  M.), 
"  don't  care  a  button!  "  and,  as  the  epithet  "  image"  appears 
to  wondrously  offend  the  butler,  Mr.  Mole  is  removed  from 
further  consequences  by  his  intelligent  wife,  who  is  waiting  to 
conduct  her  lord  and  master  home. 

At  length,  the  last  light  is  out  in  the  Manor- Green, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  is  lying  uncomfortably  upon  his  back, 
and  is  waltzing  through  Dreamland  with  the  blooming  Patty 
Honey  wood. 


AK  OXFORD    UKDEBQRADUATB 


CHAPTEE   X. 

MB.    VERDANT   GREEN   ENJOYS   A   REAL   CIGAR. 

THE  Christmas  vacation  passed  rapidly  away ;  the  Honey* 
wood  family  returned  to  the  far  north;  and,  once  more, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  found  himself  within  the  walls  of  Brazen- 
face.  He  and  Mr.  Bouncer  had  together  gone  up  to  Oxford, 
leaving  Charles  Larkyns  behind  to  keep  a  grace-term. 

Charles  Larkyns  had  determined  to  take  a  good  degree.  For 
Borne  time  past,  he  had  been  reading  steadily  ;  and,  though  only 
a  few  hours  in  each  day  may  be  given  to  books — yet,  when  that 
is  done,  with  regularity  and  painstaking,  a  real  and  sensible 
progress  is  made.  He  knew  that  he  had  good  abilities,  and  he 
had  determined  not  to  let  them  remain  idle  any  longer,  but  to 
make  that  use  of  them  for  which  they  were  given  to  him.  His 
examination  would  come  on  during  the  next  term ;  and  he 
hoped  to  turn  the  interval  to  good  account,  and  be  able  in  the 
end  to  take  a  respectable  degree.  He  was  destined  for  the 
Bar  ;  and,  as  he  had  no  wish  to  be  a  briefless  Barrister,  he  knew 
that  college  honours  would  be  of  great  advantage  to  him  in  his 
after  career.  He,  at  once,  therefore,  set  bodily  to  work  to  read 
up  his  subjects ;  while  his  father  assisted  him  in  his  labours, 
and  Mary  Green  smiled  a  kind  approval. 

Meanwhile,  his  friends,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Mr.  Henry 
Bouncer,  were  enjoying  Oxford  life,  and  disporting  themselves 
among  the  crowd  of  skaters  in  the  Christ  Church  meadows. 
And  a  very  different  scene  did  the  meadows  present  to  the  time 
when  they  had  last  skimmed  over  its  surface.  Then,  the  green 
fields  were  covered  with  sailing-boats,  out-riggers,  and  punts, 
and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  nearly  come  to  an  untimely  end  in 
the  waters.  But  now  the  scene  was  changed !  Jack  Frost  had 
stepped  in,  and  had  seized  the  flood  in  his  frozen  fingers,  and 
had  bound  it  up  in  an  icy  breast-plate. 

And  a  capital  place  did  the  meadows  make  for  any  Under 
graduate  who  was  either  a  professed  skater,  or  whose 
skating  education  (as  in  the  case  of  our  hero)  had  been  alto 
gether  neglected.  For  the  water  was  only  of  a  moderate 
depth  ;  so  that,  in  the  event  of  the  ice  giving  way,  there  was 
nothing  to  fear  beyond  a  slight  and  partial  ducking.  This  was 


88    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  AIR  VERDANT  GREEN, 

especially  fortunate  for  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who,  after  having 
experienced  total  submersion  and  a  narrow  escape  from  drown 
ing  on  that  very  spot,  would  never  have  been  induced  to  again 
commit  himself  to  the  surface  of  the  deep,  had  he  not  been 
fully  convinced  that  the  deep  had  now  subsided  into  a  shallow. 
With  his  breast  fortified  by  this  resolution,  he  therefore  fell  a 
victim  to  the  syren  tongue  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  when  that  gentle 
man  observed  to  him  with  sincere  feeling,  "  Giglamps,  old 
fellow  !  it  would  be  a  beastly  shame,  when  there's  such  jolly  ice, 
if  you  did  not  learn  to  skate ;  especially,  as  I  can  show  you  the 
trick." 

For,  Mr.  Bouncer  was  not  only  skilful  with  his  hands  and 
arms,  but  could  also  perform  feats  with  his  feet.  He  could  not 
only  dance  quadrilles  in  dress  boots  in  a  ball-room,  but  he 
could  also  go  through  the  figures  on  the  ice  in  a  pair  of  skates. 
He  could  do  the  outside  edge  at  a  more  acute  angle  than  the 
generality  of  people ;  he  could  cut  figures  of  eight  that  were 
worthy  of  Cocker  himself,  he  could  display  spread-eagles  that 
would  have  astonished  the  Fellows  of  the  Zoological  Society. 
He  could  skim  over  the  thinnest  ice  in  the  most  don't-care 
way ;  and,  when  at  full  speed,  would  stoop  to  pick  up  a  stone. 
He  would  take  a  hop-skip-and-a-jump;  and  would  vault  over 
walking-sticks,  as  easily  as  if  he  were  on  dry  land, — an  accom 
plishment  which  he  had  learnt  of  the  Count  Doembrownski,  a 
Russian  gentleman,  who,  in  his  own  country,  lived  chiefly  on 
skates,  and,  in  this  country,  on  pigeons,  and  whose  short  resi 
dence  in  Oxford  was  suddenly  brought  to  a  full  stop  by  the 
arbitrary  power  of  the  Vice- Chancellor.  So,  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  was  persuaded  to  purchase,  and  put  on  a  pair  of  skates, 
and  to  make  his  first  appearance  as  a  skater  in  the  Christ 
Church  meadows,  under  the  auspices  of  Mr.  Bouncer. 

The  sensation  of  first  finding  yourself  in  a  pair  of  skates  is 
peculiar.  It  is  not  unlike  the  sensation  which  must  have  been 
felt  by  the  young  bear,  when  he  was  dropped  from  his  mamma's 
mouth,  and,  for  the  first  time,  told  to  walk.  The  poor  little  bear 
felt,  that  it  was  all  very  well  to  say  "  walk," — but  how  was  he 
to  do  it?  Was  he  to  walk  with  his  right  fore-leg  only  ?  or, 
with  his  left  fore-leg  ?  or,  with  both  his  fore-legs  ?  or,  was  he 
to  walk  with  his  right  hind-leg  ?  or,  with  his  left  hind-leg  ?  or, 
with  both  his  hind-legs  ?  or,  was  he  to  make  a  combination  oi 
hind  and  fore-legs,  and  walk  with  all  i<  ur  at  once  ?  or,  what 
was  he  to  do  ?  So  he  tried  each  of  thete  ways  ;  and  they  all 
failed.  Poor  little  bear  ! 

Mr.    Verdant    Green   felt  very   much  in  the  little   bear's 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE 

condition.     He  was  undecided  whether  to  skate  with  his  H 

leg,  or  with  his  left  leg,  or 

with    both   his   legs.      He 

tried  his  right  leg,  and  im 
mediately  it  glided  off  at 

right  angles  with  his  body, 

while  his  left  leg  performed 

a  similar  and  spontaneous 

movement  in  the  contrary 

direction.  Having  captured 

his  left  leg,  he  put  it  cau 
tiously  forwards,  and  im 
mediately  it  twisted  under 

him,   while   his    right    leg 

amused  itself  by  describing 

an  altogether  unnecessary 

circle.      Obtaining  a  brief 

mastery    over    both    legs, 

he    put  them  forwards   at 

the     same     moment,    and 

they     fled    from     beneath 

him,  and  he  was  flung — bump ! — on  his  back.    Poor  little  bear  ! 
But,  if  it  is  hard  to  make  a  start  in  a  pair  of  skates  when 

Jou  are  in  a  perpendicular  position,  how  much  is  the  difficulty 

increased  when  your  position  has  become  a  horizontal  one! 

You  raise  yourself  on  your  knees, — you  assist  yourself  with 
your  hands, — and,  no  sooner  have  you  got  one  leg  right,  than 

away  slides  the  other,  and  down  you  go.  It  is  like  the  move 
ment  in  that  scene  with  the  pair  of  short  stilts,  in  which  the 
French  clowns  are  so  amusing,  and  it  is  almost  as  difficult  to 
perform.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  soon  found  that  though  he  might 
be  ambitious  to  excel  in  the  polite  accomplish ment  of  skating, 
yet  that  his  ambition  was  destined  to  meet  with  many  a  fall. 
But  he  persevered,  and  perseverance  will  achieve  wonders, 
especially  when  a'ded  by  the  tuition  of  such  an  indefatigable 
gentleman  as  Mr.  Bouncer. 

"  You  get  on  stunningly,  Giglamps,"  said  the  little  gentle 
man,  "  and  hav'nt  been  on  your  beam  ends  more  than  once  a 
minute.  But  I  should  advise  you,  old  fellow,  to  get  your  sit- 
upons  seated  with  wash-leather, — just  like  the  eleventh  hussara 
do  with  their  cherry-coloured  pants.  It  '11  come  cheaper  in 
the  end,  and  may  be  productive  of  comfort.  And  now,  after  all 
these  exciting  ups  and  downs,  let  us  go  and  have  a  quiet  hand 
at  billiards."  So  the  two  friends  strolled  up  the  High,  where 


SO    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

they  saw  two  Queensmen  *'  confessing  their  shame,"  as  Mr, 
Bouncer  phrased  it,  by  standing  under  the  gateway  of  thei/ 
college ;  and  went  on  to  Bickerton's,  where  they  found  all  the 
tables  occupied,  and  Jonathan  playing  a  match  with  Mr. 
Fluke  of  Christchureh.  So,  after  watching  the  celebrated 
marker  long  enough  to  inspire  them  with  a  desire  to  accom 
plish  similar  feats  of  dexterity,  they  continued  their  walk  to 
Broad  Street,  and,  turning  up  a  yard  opposite  to  the  Clarendon, 
found  that  Betteris  had  an  upstair  room  at  liberty.  Here  they 
accomplished  several  pleasing  mathematical  problems  with  the 


balls,  and  contributed  their  modicum  towards  the  smoking  of 
the  ceiling  of  the  room. 

Since  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  acquired  the  art  of  getting 
through  a  cigar  without  making  himself  ill,  he  had  looked  upon 
himself  as  a  genuine  smoker ;  and  had,  from  time  to  time, 
bragged  of  his  powers  as  regarded  the  fumigation  of  "  the  herb 
JSficotiana,  commonly  called  tobacco,"  (as  the  Oxford  statute 
tersely  says).  This  was  an  amiable  weakness  on  his  part  that 
had  not  escaped  the  observant  eye  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  who  had 
frequently  taken  occasion,  in  the  presence  of  his  friends,  to 
defer  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  judgment  in  the  matter  oi 
cigars.  The  train  of  adulation  being  thus  laid,  an  opportunity 
was  only  needed  to  fire  it.  It  soon  came. 

"  Once  upon  a  time,"  as  the  story-books  say,  it  chanced  that 
Mr.  Bouncer  was  consuming  his  minutes  and  cigars  at  his 
tobacconist's,  when  his  eye  lighted  for  the  thousandth  time  on 
the  roll  of  cabbage-leaves,  brown  paper,  and  refuse  tobacco^ 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE 


01 


which  being  done  up  into  the  form  of  a  monster  cigar  (a  foot 
long,  and  of  proportionate  thickness),  was  hung  in°the  shop- 
window,  and  did  duty  as  a  truthful  token  of  the  commodity 
vended    within.       Mr. 
Bouncer  had  looked  at 
this    implement    nine 
hundred   .and     ninety 
nine  times,  without  its 
suggesting      anything 
else  to  his  mind,  than 
its  being  of  the  same 
class    of    art    as    the 
monster  mis-represen 
tations    outside    wild- 
beast   shows ;    but    he 
now    gazed    upon     it 
with    new   sensations. 
In  short,  Mr.  Bouncer 
took  such  a  fancy  to 
the  thing,  that  he  pur 
chased  it,  and  took  it 
off  to  his  rooms, — though  he  did  not  mention  this  fact  to  his 
friend,  Mr.  Verdant   Green,  when    he    saw  him    soon  after- 
wards,  and  spoke  to  him  of  his  excellent  judgment  in  tobacco. 


judge  of  smoke  ;  it 's  a  gift  with  you,  don't  you  see ;  and  you 
could  no  more  help  knowing  a  good  weed  from  a  bad  one,  than 
you  could  help  waggling  your  tail  if  you  were  a  baa-lamb." 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  bowed,  and  blushed,  in  acknowledgment 
of  this  delightful  flattery. 

"  Now,  there  's  old  Footelights,  you  know ;  he  's  got  an  uncle, 
who  's  a  governor,  or  some  great  swell,  out  in  Barbadoes.  Well, 
every  now  and  then  the  old  trump  sends  Footelights  no  end  of  a 
box  of  weeds;  not  common  ones,  you  understand,  butregular  tip- 
toppers  ;  but  they  're  quite  thrown  away  on  poor  Footelights, 
who'd  think  as  much  of  cabbage-leaves  as  he  wouldof  realHa\;m- 
nuhs,  so  he's  always  obliged  to  ask  somebody  else's  opinion  about 
them.  Well,  he  's  got  a  sample  of  a  weed  of  a  most  terrific  kind : 
— Magnijico  Pomposois  the  name; — no  end  uncommon,  and  at 
least  a  foot  lonor.  We  don't  meet  with  'em  in  England  because 
they're  too  expensive  to  import.  Well,  it  would'nt  do  to 
throw  away  such  a  weed  as  this  on  any  one ;  so,  Footelightf 


92    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERB  ANT  GREEN, 

wants  to  have  the  opinion  of  a  man  who  's  really  a  judge  of 
what  a  good  weed  is.  I  refused,  because  my  taste  has  been 
rather  out  of  order  lately ;  and  Billy  Blades  is  in  training  for 
Henley,  so  he  's  obliged  to  decline ;  so  I  told  him  of  you, 
Giglamps,  and  said,  that  if  there  was  a  man  in  Brazenface  that 
could  tell  him  what  his  Mngnifico  Pomposo  was  worth,  that 
man  was  Verdant  Green.  Don't  blush,  old  feller !  you  can't 
help  having  a  fine  judgment,  you  know  ;  so  don't  be  ashamed 
'of  it.  Now,  you  must  wine  with  me  this  evening ;  Footelights 
and  some  more  men  are  coming ;  and  we  're  all  anxious  to  hear 
your  opinion  about  these  new  weeds,  because,  if  it 's  favour 
able  we  can  club  together,  and  import  a  box."  Mr.  Bouncer's 
victim,  being  perfectly  unconscious  of  the  trap  laid  for  him, 
promised  to  come  to  the  wine,  and  give  his  opinion  on  this 
weed  of  fabled  size  and  merit. 

When  the  evening  and  company  had  come,  he  was  rather 
staggered  at  beholding  the  dimensions  of  the  pseudo-cigar ; 
but,  rashly  judging  that  to  express  surprise  would  be  to  betray 
ignorance,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  inspected  the  formidable 
monster  with  the  air  of  a  connoisseur,  and  smelt,  pinched,  and 
rolled  his  tongue  round  it,  after  the  manner  of  the  best  critics. 
If  this  was  a  diverting  spectacle  to  the  assembled  guests  of  Mr. 

Bouncer,  how  must  the 
humour  of  the  scene  have 
been  increased,  when  our 
hero,  with  great  difficulty, 
lighted  the  cigar,  and,  with 
still  greater  difficulty,  held 
it  in  his  mouth,  and  endea 
voured  to  smoke  it !  As 
Mr.  Foote  afterwards  ob 
served,  "  it  was  a  situation 
for  a  screaming  farce." 

"  It  doesn't  draw  well !  " 
faltered  the  victim,  as  the 
bundle  of  rubbish  went  out 
for  the  fourth  time. 
"  Why,  that 's  always  the  case  with  the  Barbadoes  baccy  !  ' 
said  Mr.  Bouncer;  "it  takes  a  long  pull,  and  a  strong  pull, 
arid  a  pull  all  together  to  get  it  to  make  a  start ;  but  when 
once  it  does  go,  it  goes  beautiful— like  a  house  a-fire.  But 
you  can't  expect  it  to  be  like  a  common  threepenny  weed. 
Here  !  let  me  light  him  for  you,  Giglamps ;  I  '11  give  the 
beggar  a  dig  in  his  ribs,  as  a  gentle  persuader."  Mr.  Bouncei 


AN   OXFORD   UNDERGRADUATE  98 

thereupon  poked  his  pen-knife  through  the  rubbish,  and  after 
a  time  induced  it  to  "  draw  ;  "  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  pilled 
at  it  furiously,  and  made  his  eyes  water  with  the  unusual  cloud 
of  smoke  that  he  raised. 

"  And  now,  what  d'ye  think  of  it,  my  beauty  ?  "  inquired 
Mr.  Bouncer.  "  It 's  something  out  of  the  common,  ain't  it  ?  " 

"  It  has  a  beautiful  ash  !  "  observed  Mr.  Smalls. 

"  And  diffuses  an  aroma  that  makes  me  long  to  defy  the 
trainer,  and  smoke  one  like  it !  "  said  Mr.  Blades. 

"  So  pray  give  me  your  reading — at  least,  your  opinion, — on 
my  Magnifico  Pomposo!  "  asked  Mr.  Foote. 

"Well,"  answered  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  slowly — turning  very 
pale  as  he  spoke, — "  at  first,  I  thought  it  was  be-yew-tiful ; 
but,  altogether,  I  think — that — the  Barbadoes'  tobacco — 
doesn't  quite — agree  with — my  stom — "  the  speaker  abruptly- 
concluded  by  dropping  the  cigar,  putting  his  handkerchief  to 
his  mouth,  and  rushing  into  Mr.  Bouncer's  bed-room.  The 
Magnifico  Pomposo  had  been  too  much  for  him,  and  had 
produced  sensations  accurately  interpreted  by  Mr.  Bouncer, 
who  forthwith  represented  in  expressive  pantomine,  the  actions 
of  a  distressed  voyager,  when  he  feebly  murmurs  "  Steward  !  " 

To  atone  for  the  "  chaffing"  which'he  had  been  the  means 
of  inflicting  on  his  friend,  the  little  gentleman,  a  few  days 
afterwards,  proposed  to  take  our  hero  to  the  Chipping  Norton 
Steeple-chase, — Mr.  Smalls  and  Mr.  Fosbrooke  making  up  the 
quartet  for  a  tandem.  It  was  on  their  return  from  the  races, 


that,  after  having  stopped  at  The  Bear  at  Woodstock,  "to  wash 
out  the  norses'  mouths,"  and  having  done  this  so  effectually 


f)4    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

that  the  horses  had  appeared  to  have  no  mouths  left,  and  had 
refused  to  answer  the  reins,  and  had  smashed  the  cart  against 
a  house,  which  had  seemed  to  have  danced  into  the  middle  of 
the  road  for  their  diversion, — and,  after  having  put  back  to 
The  Bear,  and  prevailed  upon  that  animai  to  lend  them  a  non 
descript  vehicle  of  the  "pre-adamifce  buggy  "  species,  described 
by  Sidney  Smith, — that,  much  time  having  been  consumed  by 
the  progress  of  this  chapter  of  accidents,  they  did  not  reach 
Peyman's  Grate  until  a  late  hour ;  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
found  that  he  was  once  more  in  difficulties.  For  they  had  no 
sooner  got  through  the  gate,  than  ihe  wild  octaves  from  Mr. 
Bouncer's  post-horn  were  suddenly  brought  to  a"  full  «top,  and 
Mr.  Fosbrooke,  who  was  the  "  waggoner,"  was  brought  to 
Woh !  and  was  compelled  to  pull  up  in  obedience  to  the 
command  of  the  proctor,  who,  as  on  a  previous  occasion, 
suddenly  appeared  from  behind  the  toll-house,  in  company  with 
his  marshall  and  bull-dogs. 

The  Sentence  pronounced  on  our  hero  the  next  day,  was, 
«  Sir  f — You  will  translate  all  your  lectures  ;  have  your  name 
crossed  on  the  buttery  and  kitchen  books  ;  and  be  confined  to 
chapel,  hall,  and  college." 

This  sentence  was  chiefly  annoying,  inasmuch  as  it  somewhat 
interfered  with  the  duties  and  pleasures  attendant  upon  his 
boating  practice.  For,  wonderful  to  relate,  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  had  so  much  improved  in  the  science,  that  he  was  now 
"  Number  3 "  of  his  college  "  Torpid,"  and  was  in  hard 
training.  The  Torpid  races  commenced  on  March  10th,  and 
were  continued  on  the  following  days.  Our  hero  sent  his 
father  a  copy  of  "  Tintinnabulum 's  Life"  which — after  in 
forming  the  Manor  Green  family  that  "  the  boats  took  up 
positions  in  the  following  order  :  "  Brazenose,  Exeter  1, 
Wadham,  Baliol,  St.  John's,  Pembroke,  University,  Oriel, 
Brazenface,  Christ  Church  1,  Worcester,  Jesus,  Queen's, 
Christ  Church  2,  Exeter  2  " — proceeded  to  enter  into  par 
ticulars  of  each  day's  sport,  of  which  it  is  only  necessary  to 
record  such  as  gave  interest  to  our  hero's  family. 

"  First  day.  *  *  *  Brazenface  refused  to  acknowledge  the 
bump  by  Christ  Church  (1)  before  they  came  to  the  Cherwell. 
There  is  very  little  doubt  but  that  they  were  bumped  at  the 
Gut  and  the  Willows.  *  *  * 

"  Second  day.  *  *  *  Brazenface  rowed  pluckily  away  from 
Worcester.  *  *  * 

"  Third  day.  *  *  *  A  splendid  race  between  Brazenfac« 
and  Worcester ;  and,  at  the  flag,  the  latter  were  within  a  foot,' 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  QJ 

they  did  not,  however,  succeed  in  bumping.  The  cheering 
from  the  Brazenface  barge  was  vociferous.  *  *  * 

"  Fourth  day.  *  *  *  Worcester  was  more  fortunate, 
and  succeeded  in  making  the  bump  at  the  Cherwell,  in  conse 
quence  of  No.  3  of  the  Brazenface  boat  fainting  from  fatigue  " 

Under  "  No.  3  "  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  drawn  a  pencl 
line,  and  had  written  "  Y.  GK"  He  shortly  after  related  to 
his  family  the  gloomy  particulars  of  the  bump,  when  he 
returned  home  for  the  Easter  vacation. 


CHAPTER  XI. 

MB.  VEBDANT  GREEN  GETS  THROUGH  HIS  SMALLS 

DESPITE  the  hindrance  which  the  grande  passion  is  supposed 
to  bring  to  the  student,  Charles  Larkyns  had  made  very  good 
use  of  the  opportunities  afforded  him  by  the  leisure  of  hia 
grace-term.  Indeed,  as  he  himself  observed, 

"  Who  hath  not  owned,  with  rapture-smitten  frame, 
The  power  of  grace  /" 

And  as  he  felt  that  the  hours  of  his  grace-term  had  not  been 
wasted  in  idleness,  but  had  been  turned  to  profitable  account, 
it  is  not  at  all  unlikely  that  his  pleasures  of  hope  regarding  hia 
Degree-examination,  and  the  position  his  name  would  occupy 
in  the  Class-list,  were  of  a  roseate  hue.  He  therefore,  when 
the  Easter  vacation  had  come  to  an  end,  returned  to  Oxford  in 
high  spirits,  with  our  hero  and  his  friend  Mr.  Bouncer,  who. 
after  a  brief  visit  to  "the  Mum,"  had  passed  the  remainder 
of  the  vacation  at  the  Manor  Green.  During  these  few 
holiday  weeks,  Charles  Larkjns  had  acted  as  private  tutor  to 
his  two  friends,  and  had,  in  the  language  01  Mr.  Bouncer, 
"  put  them  through  their  paces  uncommon ; "  for  the  little 
gentleman  was  going  in  for  his  Degree,  alias  Great-go,  alias 
Greats ;  and  our  hero  for  his  first  examination  in  liferis 
himanioribus,  alias  Besponsions,  alias  Little-go,  alias  Smalls. 
Thus  the  friends  returned  to  Oxford  mutually  benefited  ; 
but,  as  the  time  for  examination  drew  nearer  and  still  nearer, 
the  fears  of  Mr.  Bouncer  rose  in  a  gradation  of  terrors,  thai 
threatened  to  culminate  in  an  actual  panic. 

"  You  see,"  said  the  little  gentleman,  "  the  Mum's  set  her 
heart  on  iny  getting  through,  and  1  must  read  like  the  dooats 


96    THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  QREE!?, 

And  I  havn't  got  the  head,  you  see,  for  Latin  and  Greek  ;  and 
that  beastly  Euclid  altogether  stumps  me ;  and  I  feel  as 
though  I  should  come  to  grief.  I'm  blowed,"  the  little 
gentleman  would  cry,  earnestly  and  sadly,  u  I'm  blow'd  if  I 
don't  think  they  must  have  given  me  too  much  pap  when  I 
was  a  babby,  and  softened  my  brains !  or  else,  why  can't  I 
walk  into  these  classical  parties  just  as  easy  as  you,  Charley, 
or  old  Giglamps-there  ?  But  I  can't,  you  see  :  my  brains  are 
addled.  They  say  it  ain't  a  bad  thing  for  reading  to  get  your 
head  shaved.  It  cools  your  brains,  and  gives  full  play  to  what 
you  call  your  intellectual  faculties.  I  think  I  shall  try  the 
dodge,  and  get  a  gent's  real  head  of  hair,  till  after  the  exam.  • 
and  then,  when  I've  stumped  the  examiners,  I  can  wear  my 
own  luxuriant  locks  again." 

And,  as  Mr.  Bouncer  professed,  so  did  he ;  and,  not  many 
days  after,  astonished  his  friends  and  the  University  generally 
by*  appearing  in  a  wig  of  curly  black  hair.  It  was  a  pleasing 
light  to  see  the  little  gentleman  with  a  scalp  like  a  billiard 


ball,  a  pipe  in  his  mouth,  and  the  wig  mounted  on  a  block, 
with  books  spread  before  him,  endeavouring  to  persuade 
himself  that  he  was  working  up  his  subjects.  It  was  still 
more  pleasing  to  view  him,  in  moments  of  hilarity,  divest 
himself  of  his  wig,  and  hurl  it  at  the  scout,  or  any  other 
offensive  object  that  appeared  before  him.  And  it  was  a  sight 
not  to  be  forgotten  by  the  beholders,  when,  after  too  recklessly 
partaking  of  an  indiscriminate  mixture  of  egg-flip,  sangaree, 
»nd  cider-cup,  he  feebly  threw  his  wig  at  the  spectacles  of 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  and,  overbalanced  by  the  exertion,  fell 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  Qf) 

back  into  the  coal-scuttle,  where  he  lay, bald-headed  and  helpless, 
laughing  and  weeping  by  turns,  and  caressed  by  H'iz  and  Buz! 

But  the  shaving  of  his  head  was  not  the  only  feature  (or, 
rather,  loss  of  feature)  that  distinguished  Mr.  Bouncer's 
reading  for  his  degree.  The  gentleman  with  the  limited 
knowledge  of  the  cornet-a-piston,  who  had  the  rooms  imme 
diately  beneath  those  of  our  hero  and  his  friend,  had  made 
such  slow  progress  in  his  musical  education,  that  he  had  even 
now  scarcely  got  into  his  "  Cottage  near  a  Wood."  This  gentle 
man  was  Mr.  Bouncer's  Frankenstein.  He  was  always  rising 
up  when  he  was  not  wanted.  When  Mr.  Bouncer  felt  as  if 
he  could  read,  and  sat  down  to  his  books,  wigless  and  deter 
mined,  the  doleful  legend  of  the  cottage  near  a  wood  was 
forced  upon  him  in  an  unpleasingly  obtrusive  and  distracting 
manner.  It  was  in  vain  that  Mr.  Bouncer  sounded  his 
octaves  in  all  their  discordant  variations ;  the  gentleman  had 
no  ear,  and  was  not  to  be  put  out  of  his  cottage  on  any 
terms :  Mr.  Bouncer's  notices  of  ejectment  were  always  dis 
regarded.  He  had  hoped  that  the  ears  of  Mr.  Slowcoach 
(whose  rooms  were  in  th'e  angle  of  the  Quad)  would  have 
been  pierced  by  the  noise,  and  that  be  would  have  put  a  stop 
to  the  nuisance ;  but,  either  from  its  being  too  customary  a 
custom,  or  that  the  ears  of  Mr.  Slowcoach  had  grown  callous, 
the  nuisance  was  suffered  to  continue  urireproved. 

Mr.  Bouncer  resolved,'  therefore,  on  some  desperate  method 
of  calling  attention  to  one  nuisance,  by  creating  another  of  a 
louder  description  ;  and,  as  his  octaves  appeared  to  fail  in  this, 
— notwithstanding  the  energy  and  annoying  ability  that  he 
threw  into  them, — he  conceived  the  idea  of  setting  up  a  drum ! 
The  plan  was  no  sooner  thought  of  than  carried  out.  He  met 
with  an  instrument  sufficiently  large  and  formidable  for  his 
purpose,— hired  it,  and  had  it  stealthily  conveyed  into  college 
(like  another  Falstaff)  in  a  linen  "  buck-basket."  He  waited 
his  opportunity  ;  and,  the  next  time  that  the  gentleman  in  the 
rooms  beneath  took  his  cornet  to  his  cottage  near  a  wood,  Mr. 
Bouncer,  stationed  on  the  landing  above,  played  a  thundering 
accompaniment  on  his  big  drum. 

The  echoes  from  the  tightened  parchment  rolled  round  the 
Quad,  and  brought  to  the  spot  a  rush  of  curious  and  excited 
undergraduates.  Mr.  Bouncer,— after  taking  off  hk  wig  in 
tionour  of  the  air, — then  treated  them  to  the  Rational  Anthem, 
arranged  as  a  drum  solo  for  two  sticks,  the  chorus  being 
sustained  by  the  voices  of  those  present ;  when  in  the  midst  of 
the  entertainment,  the  reproachful  features  of  Mr.  Slowcoach 

10 


98 


THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 


appeared  upon  the  scene.  Sternly  the  tutor  demanded  the  lea* 

son  of  the  strange  hubbub^ 
and  was  answered  by  Mr. 
Bouncer,  that,  as  one  gen 
tleman  was  allowed  to  play 
his  favourite  instrument 
whenever  he  chose,  for  his 
own  but  no  one  else's  gra 
tification,  he  could  not  see 
why  he  (Mr,  Bouncer) 
might  not  also,  whenever 
he  pleased,  play  for  his 
own  gratification  his  fa- 
\'A  vourite  instrument  —  the 
IX  big  drum.  This  specious 
excuse,  although  logical, 
was  not  altogether  satis 
factory  to  Mr.  Slowcoach; 
and,  with  some  asperity, 
he  ordered  Mr.  Bouncer 
never  again  to  indulge 
In.  what  he  termed  (in  reference  probably  to  the  little  gentle 
man's  bald  head),  "  such  an  indecent  exhibition."  But,  as  he 
further  ordered  that  the  cornet-a-piston  gentleman  was  to 
instrumentally  enter  into  his  cottage  near  a  wood,  only  at 
stated  hours  in  the  afternoon,  Mr.  Bouncer  had  gained  his 
point  in  putting  a  stop  to  the  nuisance  so  far  as  it  interfered 
with  his  reading ;  and,  thenceforth,  he  might  be  seen  on  brief 
occasions  persuading  himself  that  he  was  furiously  reading 
and  getting  up  his  subjects  by  the  aid  of  those  royal  roads  tc 
knowledge,  variously  known  as  cribs,  crams,  plugs,  abstracts, 
analyses,  or  epitomes. 

But,  besides  the  assistance  thus  afforded  to  him  out  of 
the  schools,  Mr.  Bouncer,  like  many  others,  idle  as  well  as 
ignorant,  intended  to  assist  himself  when  in  the  schools  by  any 
contrivance  that  his  ingenuity  could  suggest,  or  his  audacity 
carry  out. 

"It's  quite  fair,"  was  the  little  gentleman's  argument,  "to 
do  the  examiners  in  any  way  that  you  can,  as  long  as  you  only 
go  in  for  a  pass.  Of  course,  if  you  were  going  in  for  a  class, 
or  a  scholarship,  or  anything  of  that  sort,  it  would  be  no  end 
mean  and  dirty  to  crib ;  and  the  gent  that  did  it  ought  to  be 
kicked  out  of  the  society  of  gentlemen.  But  when  you  only  go 
in  for  a  pass,  aud  ain't  doing  any  one  any  harm  by  a  little  bit 


AX   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  99 

of  cribbing,  but  choose  to  run  the  risk  to  save  yourself  the 
bothei  of  being  ploughed,  why  then,  I  think,  a  feller's  bound 
to  do  what  he  can  for  himself.  And,  you  see,  in  my  case, 
Giglamps,  there's  the  Mum  to  be  considered ;  she'd  cut  up 
doosid,  if  I  didn't  get  through  ;  so  I  must  crib  a  bit,  if  it's  only 
for  Tier  sake." 

But  although  the  little  gentleman  thus  made  filial  tenderness 
the  excuse  for  his  deceit,  and  the  salve  for  his  conscience,  yet 
he  could  neither  persuade  Mr.  Verdant  Green  to  follow  his 
example,  nor  to  be  a  convert  to  his  opinions ;  nor  would  he  be 
persuaded  by  our  hero  to  relinquish  his  designs. 

"Why,  look  here,  Giglamps!"  Mr.  Bouncer  would  say; 
"how  can  I  relinquish  them,  after  having  had  all  this  trouble  i 
I'll  put  you  up  to  a  few  of  my  dodges— free,  gratis,  for 
nothing.  In  the  first  place,  Giglamps,  you  see  here's  a  small 
circular  bit  of  paper,  covered  with  Peloponnesian  and  Punic 
wars,  and  no  end  of  dates, — written  small  and  short,  you  see, 
but  quite  legible, — with  the  chief  things  done  in  red  ink. 
Well,  this  gentleman  goes  in  the  front  of  my  watch,  under  the 
glass  ;  and,  when  I  get  stumped  for  a  date,  out  comes  the 
watch  ; — I  look  at  the  time  of  day — you  understand,  and  down 
goes  the  date.  Here's  another  dodge  !  "  added  the  little  gen 
tleman — who  might  well  have  been  called  "the  Artful 
Dodger  " — as  he  produced  a  shirt  from  a  drawer.  "  Look  here, 
at  the  wristbands  !  Here  are  all  the  Kings  of  Israel  and  Judahj 
with  their  dates  and  prophets,  written  down  in  India-ink,  so  aa 
to  wash  out  again.  Tou  twitch  up  the  cuff  of  your  coat,  quite 
accidentally,  and  then  you  book  your  king.  Tou  see,  Giglamps, 
I  don't  like  to  trust,  as  some  fellows  do,  to  having  what  you 
want,  written  down  small  and  shoved  into  a  quill,  and  passed  to 
you  by  some  man  sitting  in  the  schools  ;  that's  dangerous,  don't 
you  see.  And  I  don't  like  to  hold  cards  in  my  hand ;  I've 
improved  on  that,  and  invented  a  first-rate  dodge  of  my  own, 
that  I  intend  to  take  out  a  patent  for.  Like  all  truly  great 
inventions,  it's  no  end  simple.  In  the  first  place,  look  straight 
afore  you,  my  little  dear,  and  you  will  see  this  pack  of  cards, — 
all  made  of  a  size,  nice  to  hold  in  the  palm  of  your  hand  ; 
they're  about  all  sorts  of  rum  things, — everything  that  I  want. 
And  you  see  that  each  beggar's  got  a  hole  drilled  in  him. 
And  you  see,  here's  a  longish  string  with  a  little  bit  of  hooked 
wire  at  the  end,  made  so  that  I  can  easily  hang  the  card  on  it. 
Well,  I  pass  the  string  up  my  coat  sleeve,  and  down  under  my 
waistcoat ;  and  here,  you  see,  I've  got  the  wire  end  in  the 
palm  of  my  hand.  Then,  I  slip  out  the  card  I  want,  and  hook 


100   THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

it   on  to  the  wire,  so  that  I  can   have   it   just  before   me   aa 
I  write.      Then,  if  any  of  the  examiners  look  suspicious,  or 


if  one  of  them  comes  round  to  spy,  I  just  pull  the  bit  ol 
string  that  hangs  under  the  bottom  of  my  waistcoat,  and 
away  flies  the  card  up  my  coat  sleeve ;  and  when  the 
examiner  comes  round,  he  sees  tljat  my  hand's  never  moved, 
and  that  there's  nothing  in  it !  So  he  walks  off  satisfied ;  and 
then  I  shake  the  little  beggar  out  of  my  sleeve  again,  and 
the  same  game  goes  on  as  before.  And  when  the  string's 
tight,  even  straightening  your  body  is  quite  sufficient  to 
hoist  the  card  into  your  sleeve,  without  moving  either  of  your 
hands.  I've  got  an  Examination-coat  made  on  purpose,  with 
a  heap  of  pockets,  in  which  I  can  stow  my  cards  in  regular 
order.  These  three  pockets,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he 
produced  the  coat,  "  are  entirely  for  Euclid.  Here's  each 
problem  written  right  out  on  a  card  ;  they're  laid  regularly  in 
order,  and  I  turn  them  over  in  my  pocket,  till  I  get  hold 
of  the  one  I  want,  and  then  I  take  it  out,  and  work  it.  So 
you  see,  Giglamps,  I'm  safe  to  get  through  ! — it's  impossible  for 
them  to  plough  me,  with  all  these  contrivances.  That's  a  con- 
aolation  for  a  cove  in  distress,  ain't  it,  old  feller  ?  " 

Both  our  hero  and  Charles  Larkyns  endeavoured  to  persuade 
Mr.  Bouncer  that  his  conduct  would,  at  the  very  least,  be  fool 
hardy,  and  that  he  had  much  better  throw  his  pack  of  cards  into 
the  fire,  wash  the  Kings  of  Israel  and  Judah  off"  his  shirt, 
destroy  his  strings  and  hooked  wires,  and  keep  his  Examination-' 
coat  for  a  shooting  one.  But  all  their  arguments  were  in  vain 


AN    OXFORL    UNDERGRADUATE.  10V 

nnd  the  infatuated  little  gentleman,  like  a  deaf  adder,  shut  his 
ears  at  the  voice  of  the  charmer. 

What  between  the  Cowley  cricketings,  and  the  Isis  boatings, 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  only  read  by  spasmodic  fits ;  b  »t,  as  he 
was  very  fairly  up  in  his  subjects — thanks  to  Charles  Larkyns 
and  the  Rector — and  as  the  Little-go  was  not  such  a  very  for 
midable  affair,  or  demanded  a  scholar  of  first-rate  calibre,  the 
only  terrors  that  the  examination  could  bring  him  were  those 
which  were  begotten  of  nervousness.  At  length  the  lists 
were  out ;  and  our  hero  read  among  the  names  of  candidates, 
that  of 

"  GREEN,  Verdant,  e  Coll.  ^h.  Fac." 

There  is  a  peculiar  sensation  on  first  seeing  your  name  ID 
print.  Instances  are  on  record  where  people  have  taken  a 
world  of  trouble  merely  that  they  may  have  the  pleasure  of 
perusing  their  names  "  among  the  fashionables  present  "  at  tne 
Countess  of  So-and-so's  evening-reception ;  and  cases  are  not 
wanting  where  young  ladies  and  gentlemen  have  expended  no 
small  amount  of  pocket-money  in  purchasing  copies  of  The 
Times  (no  reduction,  too,  being  made  on  taking  a  quantity  !  ) 
in  order  that  their  sympathising  friends  might  have  the  pride  of 
seeing  their  names  as  coming  out  at  drawing-rooms  and  levees. 
When  a  young  M.P.  has  stammered  out  his  coup-cTessai  in  the 
House,  he  views,  with  mingled  emotions,  his  name  given  to  the 
world,  for  the  first  time,  in  capital  letters.  When  young 
authors  and  artists  first  see  their  names  in  print,  is  it  not  a 
pleasure  to  them  ?  \V  hen  Ensign  Dash  sees  himself  gazetted, 
does  he  not  look  on  his  name  with  a  peculiar  sensation,  and 
forthwith  send  an  impression  of  the  paper  to  Master  Jones,  who 
was  flogged  with  him  last  week  for  stealing  apples  ?  Whem 
Mr.  Smith  is  called  to  the  Bar,  and  Mr.  Robinson  can  dub 
himself  M.R.  C.  S.,  do  they  not  behold  their  names  in  print 
with  feelings  of  rapture  ?  'And  when  Miss  Brown  has  been 
to  her  first  ball,  does  she  not  anxiously  await  the  coming  of  the 
next  county  newspaper,  in  order  to  have  the  happiness  of 
reading  her  name  there  ? 

But,   different  to  these  are  the  sensations  that  attend 
seeing  your  name  first  in  print  in  a  College  examination-Hi 
They  are,  probably,  somewhat  similar  to  the  sensations  yo 
would  feel    on  seeing  your  name  in  a  death-warrant,     loui 
blood  runs  hot,  then  cold,  then  hot  again;  your  pulse  g6e* 
fever  pace;  the    throbbing  arteries   of  your  brow  almost  jrr 
your  cap  off.     You  know  that  the  worst  is  come,— that 
of  the  Dons,  which  altereth  not,  has  fixed  your  name  there,  and 


102   THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEK, 

that  there  is  no  escape.  The  courage  of  despair  then  takei 
possession  of  your  soul,  and  nerves  y-u  for  the  worst.  You 
loin  the  crowd  of  nervous  fellow-sufferers  who  are  thronging 


round  the  buttery-door  to  examine  the  list,  and  you  begin  with 
them  calmly  to  parcel  out  the  names  by  sixes  and  eights, 
and  then  to  arrive  at  an  opinion  when  your  day  of  execution 
will  be.  If  your  name  comes  at  the  head  of  the  list,  you  wish 
that  you  were  " YOUNG,  Carolus,  e  Coll.  Vigorn"  that  you 
might  have  a  reprieve  of  your  sentence.  If  your  name  is  at 
the  end  of  the  list,  you  wish  that  you  were  "  ADAMS,  Edvardut 
Jacobus,  e  Coll.  TTniv."  that  you  might  go  in  at  once,  and  be 
put  out  of  your  misery.  If  your  name  is  in  the  middle  of  the 
list,  you  wish  that  it  were  elsewhere :  and  then  you  wish  that 
it  were  out  of  the  list  altogether. 

Through  these  varying  shades  of  emotion  did  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  pass,  until  at  length  they  were  all  lost  in  the  deeper 
eloom  of  actual  entrance  into  the  schools.  When  once  there, 
nis  fright  soon  passed  away.  He-assured  by  the  kindly  voice  of 
the  examiner,  telling  him  to  read  over  his  Greek  before  con 
struing  it,  *ur  hero  recovered  his  equanimity,  and  got  throngh 
his  viva  voce  with  flying  colours ;  and,  on  glancing  over  his 
paper-work,  soon  saw  that  the  questions  were  within  his  scope, 
and  that  he  could  answer  most  of  them.  Without  hazarding 
his  success  by  making  "  bad  shots,"  he  contented  himself  by 
answering  those  questions  only  on  which  he  felt  sure ;  and, 
when  his  examination  was  over,  he  left  the  schools  with  a 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  108 

pretty  safe  conviction  that  he  was  safe,  "  and  was  well  through 
his  smalls." 

He  could  not  but  help,  however,  feeling  some  anxiety  on  the 
subject,  until  he  was  relieved  from  all  further  fears,  by  the 
arrival  of  Messrs.  Fosbrooke,  Smalls,  and  Blades,  with  a  slip 
of  paper  (not  unlike  those  which  Mr.  Levi,  the  sheriff's  officer, 
makes  use  of),  on  which  was  written  and  printed  as  follows;  — 

"GREEN,  VERDANT,  It  COLL.  J3N.  FAC. 
Qusostionibus  Magistrorum  Scholarum  in  Parviso  pro  forma  respondit, 

' 


Junii  7,  18—." 

Alas  for  Mr.  Bouncer  !  Though  he  had  put  in  practice  all 
the  ingenious  plans  which  were  without  a  doubt  to  ensure  hii 
success  ;  and  though  he  had  worked  his  cribs  with  consummate 
coolness,  and  had  not  been  discovered  ;  yet,  nevertheless,  his 
friends  came  to  him  empty-handed.  The  infatuated  little  gen 
tleman  had  either  trusted  too  much  to  his  own  astuteness,  or 
else  he  had  over-reached  himself,  and  had  used  his  card-know 
ledge  in  wrong  places  ;  or,  perhaps,  the  examiners  may  have 
suspected  his  deeds  from  the  nature  of  his  papers,  and  may 
have  refused  to  pass  him.  But  whatever  might  be  the  cause, 
the  little  gentleman  had  to  defer  taking  his  degree  for  some 
months  at  least.  In  a  word  —  and  a  dreadful  word  it  is  to  all 
undergraduates  —  Mr.  Bouncer  was  PLUCKED  !  He  bore  his 
unexpected  reverse  of  fortune  very  philosophically,  and  pro 
fessed  to  regret  it  only  for  "  the  Mum's  "  sake  ;  but  he  seemed 
to  feel  that  the  Dons  of  his  college  would  look  shy  upon  him, 
and  he  expressed  his  opinion  that  it  would  be  better  for  him  to 
migrate  to  the  Tavern.* 

But,  while  Mr.  Bouncer  was  thus  deservedly  punished  for 
his  idleness  arid  duplicity,  Charles  Larkyns  was  rewarded  for  all 
his  toil.  He  did  even  better  than  he  had  expected  :  for,  not 
only  did  his  name  appear  in  the  second  class,  but  the  following 
extra  news  concerning  him  was  published  in  the  daily 
papers,  under  the  very  appropriate  heading  of  "  University 
Intelligence.'" 

"OXFORD,  June  9.—  The  Chancellor's  prizes  have  been  awarded  oi 
follows  :  — 

"  Latin  Essay,  Charles  Larkyns,  Commoner  of  Bnfteuface.  The  New 
digate  Prize  for  English  Verse  was  also  awarded  to  the  same  geutiemau."1 

»  A  name  given  to  New  Inn  Hall,  not  only  from  its  title,  "  New 
Inn,"  but  also  because  the  buttery  is  open  all  day.  and  the  members  ol 
the  Hall  can  call  for  what  they  please  at  any  hour,  the  same  as  in  • 
tavern. 


104   THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

His  writing  for  the  prize  poem  had  been  a  secret.  He  had 
conceived  the  idea  of  doing  so  when  the  subject  had  been 
given  out  in  the  previous  "  long :"  he  had  worked  at  the  subject 
privately,  and,  when  the  day  (April  1)  on  which  the  poems  had 
to  be  sent  in,  had  come,  he  had  watched  his  opportunity, 
and  secretly  dropped  through  the  wired  slit  in  the  door  of 
the  registrar's  office  at  the  Clarendon,  a  manuscript  poem, 
distinguished  by  the  motto  : — 

"  Oh  for  the  touch  of  a  vanish'd  hand 
And  the  sound  of  a  voice  that  is  still." 

We  may  be  quite  sure  that  there  was  great  rejoicing  at  the 
1VJ  anor  Green  and  the  Eectory,  when  the  news  arrived  of  tie 
success  of  Charles  Larkyns  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

MR.    VERDANT    GREEN  AND    HIS    FRIENDS    ENJOY   THE 
COMMEMORATION. 

THE  Commemoration  had  come ;  and,  among  the  people  who 
were  drawn  to  the  sight  from  all  parts  of  the  country,  the 
Warwickshire  coach  landed  in  Oxford  our  friends  Mr.  Green, 
his  two  eldest  daughters,  and  the  Rector — for  all  of  whom 
Charles  Larkyns  had  secured  very  comfortable  lodgings  in 
Oriel  Street. 

The  weather  was  of  the  finest ;  and  the  beautiful  city  of  col 
leges  looked  at  its  best.  While  the  Rector  met  with  old  friends, 
and  heard  his  son's  praises,  and  renewed  his  acquaintance  with 
his  old  haunts  of  study,  Mr.  Green  again  lionised  Oxford 
in  a  much  more  comfortable  and  satisfactory  manner  than  he 
had  previously  done  at  the  heels  of  a  professional  guide.  As 
for  the  young  ladies,  they  were  charmed  with  everything ;  for 
they  had  never  before  been  in  an  University  town,  and  all 
hings  had  the  fascination  of  novelty.  Great  were  the  luncheons 
i  eld  in  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  and  Charles  Larkyns'  rooms ; 
i;  usical  was  the  laughter  that  floated  merrily  through  the  grave 
eld  quads  of  Brazenface;  happy  were  the  two  hearts  that  held 
converse  with  each  other  in  those  cool  cloisters  and  shady 
gardens.  How  a  few  flounces  and  bright  girlish  smiles  can 
change  the  aspect  of  the  sternest  homes  of  knowledge  ! 


AN   OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE 


101 


sunlight  can  be  brought  into  the  gloomiest  nooks  of  learning 
by  the  beams  that  irradiate  happy  girlish  faces,  where  the  light 
of  love  and  truth  shines  out  clear  and  joyous  !  How  the 
appearance  of  the  Commemoration  week  is  influenced  in  a  way 
thus  described  by  one  of  Oxonia's  poets  : — 

"  Peace  !  for  in  the  gay  procession  brighter  forms  are  borne  along — 
Fairer  scholars,  pleasure-beaming,  float  amid  the  classic  throng. 
Blither  laughter's  ringing  music  fills  the  haunts  of  men  awhile, 
And  the  sternest  priests  of  knowledge  blush  beneath  a  maiden's  smile. 
Maidens  teach  a  softer  science — laughing  Love  his  pinions  dips, 
Hush'd  to  hear  fantastic  whispers  murmur' d  from  a  pedant's  lips. 
Oh,  believe  it,  throbbing  pulses  flutter  under  folds  of  starch, 
A.nd  the  Dons  are  human- hearted  if  the  ladies'  smiles  be  arch." 

Thanks  to  the  influence  of  Charles  Larkyns  and  his  father, 
the  party  were  enabled  to  see  all  that  was  to  be  seen  during 
the  Commemoration  week.  On  the  Saturday  night  they  went 
to  the  amateur  concert  at  the  Town  Hall,  in  aid  of  which, 
strange  to  say,  Mr.  Bouncer's  proffer  of  his  big  drum  had  been 
declined.  On  the  Sunday  they  went,  in  the  morning,  to  St. 
Mary's  to  hear  the  Bampton  lecture  ;  and,  in  the  afternoon,  to 
the  magnificent  choral  service  at  New  College.  In  the  evening 
they  attended  the  customary  "  Show  Sunday"  promenade  in 


Christ  Church  Broad  Walk,  where,  under  the  delicious  cool  of 
the  luxuriant  foliage,  they  met  all  the  rank,  beauty and  ;ashion 
that  were  assembled  in  Oxford ;  and  where,  until  Tom  tolled 

10* 


106   THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDA"NT  GBEEN, 


the  hour  for  retiring,"  they  threaded  their  way  amid  a 
miscellaneous  crowd  of  Dons  and  Doctors,  and  Tufts  and 
Heads  of  Houses, — 

With  prudes  for  Proctors,  dowagers  for  Deans, 
And  bright  girl-graduates  with  their  golden  hair. 

On  the  Monday  they  had  a  party  to  Woodstock  and  Blenheim; 
and  in  the  evening  went,  on  the  Brazenface  barge,  to  see 
the  procession  of  boats,  where  the  Misses  Green  had  the 
satisfaction  to  see  their  brother  pulling  in  one  of  the  fifteen 
torpids  that  followed  immediately  in  the  wake  of  the  other  boats. 
They  concluded  the  evening's  entertainments  in  a  most  satisfac 
tory  manner,  by  going  to  the  ball  at  the  Town  Hall. 

Indeed,  the  way  the  two  young  ladies  worked  was  worthy  of 
all  credit,  and  proved  them  to  be  possessed  of  the  most  vigorous 
constitutions  ;  for,  although  they  danced  till  an  early  hour  in 
the  morning,  they  not  only,  on  the  next  day,  went  to  the 
anniversary  sermon  for  the  Radclifie,  and  after  that  to  the 
horticultural  show  in  the  Botanical  Gardens,  and  after  that 

to  the  concert  in  the 
Sheldonian  Theatre,  but 
— as  though  they  had 
not  bad  enough  to 
fatigue  them  already — 
they  must,  forsooth — 
Brazenface  being  one 
of  the  ball-giving  col 
leges  —  wind  up  the 
night  by  accepting  the 
polite  invitation  of  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  and 
Mr.  Charles  Larky na 
to  a  ball  given  in  their 
college  hall.  And  how 
many  polkas  these 
young  ladies  danced,  and 
how  many  waltzes  they  waltzed,  and  how  many  ices  they  con 
sumed,  and  how  many  too  susceptible  partners  they  drove  to  the 
verge  of  desperation,  it  would  be  improper,  if  not  impossible, 
to  say. 

But,  however  much  they  might  have  been  fagged  by  their 
exertions  of  feet  and  features,  it  is  certain  that,  by  ten  of  the 
clock  the  next  morning,  they  appeared,  quite  fresh  and 
charming  to  the  view,  in  the  ladies'  gallery  in  the  theatre 
There — after  the  proceedings  had  been  opened  by  the  under 


AN    OXFORD    UNDERGRADUATE.  £37 

graduates  in  their  peculiar  way,  and  by  the  vice-c'jan  seller  in 
^peculiar  way— and,  after  the  degrees  had  been  conferred 
and  the  public  orator  had  delivered  an  oration  in  a  tongue 
not  understanded  of  the  people,  our  friends  from  Warwickshire 
had  the  delight  of  beholding  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns  ascend  the 


rostrums  to  deliver,  in  their  proper- order,  the  Latin  Essay  and 
the  English  Verse.  He  had  chosen  his  friend  Verdant  to  be  his 
prompter ;  so  that  the  well-known  "  gig-lamps"  of  our  hero 
formed,  as  it  were,  a  very  focus  of  attraction :  but  it  was 
well  for  Mr.  Charles,  Larkyns  that  he  was  possessed  of  self- 
control  and  a  good  memory,  for  Mr.  "Verdant  Green  was  far  too 
nervous  to  have  prompted  him  in  any  efficient  manner.  AVe 
may  be  sure,  that  in  all  that  bevy  of  fair  women,  at  least  one 
pair  of  bright  eyes  kindled  with  rapture,  and  one  heart  beat 
with  exulting  joy,  when  the  deafening  cheers  that  followed  the 
poet's  description  of  the  moon,  the  sea,  and  woman's  love  (the 
three  ingredients  which  are  apparently  necessary  for  the 
sweetening  of  all  prize  poems),  rang  through  the  theatre  and 
made  its  walls  re-echo  to  the  shouting.  And  we  may  be  s'ire 


I  OS   THE  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

that,  when  it  was  all  over,  and  when  the  Commemoration  had 
come  to  an  end,  Charles  Larkyns  felt  re  warded  for  all  his  hours  of 
labour  by  the  deep  love  garnered  up  in  his  heart  by  the  trustful 
affection  of  one  who  had  become  as  dear  to  him  as  life  itself ! 
####### 

It  was  one  morning  after  they  had  all  returned  to  the  Manor 
Green  that  our  hero  said  to  his  friend,  "  How  I  do  wish  that 
this  day  week  were  come  !" 

"  I  dare  say  you  do,"  replied  the  friend ;  "  and  I  dare  say  that 
the  pretty  Patty  is  wishing  the  same  wish."  Upon  which  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  not  only  laughed  but  blushed ! 

For  it  seemed  that  he,  together  with  his  sisters,  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns,  and  Mr.  Bouncer,  were  about  to  pay  a  long- vacation 
visit  to  Honeywood  Hall,  in  the  county  of  Northumberland  ; 
and  the  young  man  was  naturally  looking  forward  to  it  with 
&11  the  ardour  of  a  first  and  consuming  passion. 


THE   ADVENTURES 

OF 

MR.   VERDANT  GREEtf. 


PAET    III. 


CHAPTER  I. 

MB.  VEBDANT  OBEEN  TRAYELS  NOBTH. 

ULY:  fierce  and  burning! 
A    day  to    tinge*  the 
green  corn  with  a  golden 
hue.     A   day   to  scorch 
grass   into  hay  between 
sunrise   and   sunset.     A 
day  in   which  to  rejoice 
in  the  cool  thick  masses 
of  trees,  and    to  lie  on 
one's  back   under    their 
canopy,  and  look  dream 
ily  up,  through  its  rents, 
at  the  peep  of  hot,  cloudless,  blue  sky.     A  day  to  sit  on  shady 
banks  upon  yielding  cushions  of  moss  and  heather,  from  whence 
you  gaze  on    bright   flowers  blazing   in   the  blazing   sun,    and 
rest  your   eyes  again  upon  your  book  to   find  the  lines  swim 
ming  in  a  radiance  of  mingled  green  and  red.     A  day  that  fills 
you  with  amphibious  feelings,  and  makes  you  desire  to  be  even 
a  dog,  that  you  might  bathe  and  paddle  and  swim  in  every  road 
side  brook  and  pond,  without  the  exertion  of  dressing  and  un 
dressing,  and  yet  with  propriety.     A  day  that  sends  you  out  by 
willow-hung  streams,  to  fish,  as  an  excuse  for  idleness.     A  day 


3  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

that  drives  you  dinnerless  from  smoking  joints,  and  plunges  you 
thirstfully  into  barrels  of  beer.  A  day  that  induces  apathetic 
listlessness  and  total  prostration  of  energy,  even  under  the  aggra 
vating  warfare  of  gnats  and  wasps.  A  day  that  engenders  pity, 
for  the  ranks  of  ruddy  haymakers,  hotly  marching  on  under  the 
merciless  glare  of  the  noonday  sun.  A  day  when  the  very  air, 
steaming  up  from  the  earth,  seems  to  palpitate  with  the  heat.  A 
day  when  Society  has  left  its  cool  and  pleasant  country-house, 
and  finds  itself  baked,  and  burnt  up  in  town,  condemned  to  ovens 
of  operas,  and  fiery  furnaces  of  levees  and  drawing-rooms.  A 
day  when  even  ice  is  warm,  and  perspiring  visitors  to  the  Zoolo 
gical  Gardens  envy  the  hippopotamus  living  in  his  bath.  A  day 
when  a  hot,  frizzling,  sweltering  smell  ascends  from  the  ground, 
as  though  it  was  the  earth's  great  ironing  day.  And — above  all 
— a  day  that  converts  a  railway  traveller  into  a  martyr,  and  a 
first-class  carriage  into  a  moving  representation  of  the  Black 
Hole  of  Calcutta. 

So  thought  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  as  he  was  whirled  onward  tc 
the  far  north,  in  company  with  his  three  sisters,  Miss  Bouncer, 
and  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns.  Being  six  in  number,  they  formed  a 
snug  (and  hot)  family  party,  and  filled  the  carriage,  to  the  exclu 
sion  of  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  who,  nevertheless,  bore  this  temporary 
and  unavoidable  separation  with  a  tranquil  mind,  inasmuch  as  it 
enahled  him  to  ride  in  a  second-class  carriage,  where  he  could 
the  more  conveniently  indulge  in  the  furtive  pleasures  of  the 
Virginian  weed.  But,  to  keep  up  his  connection  with  the  party, 
and  to  prove  that  his  interest  in  them  could  not  be  diminished 
bv  a  brief  and  enforced  absence,  Mr.  Bouncer  paid  them  flying 
visits  at  every  station,  keeping  his  pipe  alight  by  a  puff  into  the 
carriage,  accompanied  with  an  expression  of  his  full  conviction 
that  Miss  Fanny  Green  had  been  smoking,  in  defiance  of  the 
company's  by-laws  These  rapid  interviews  were  enlivened  by 
Mr.  Bouncer  informing  his  friends  that  Huz  and  Buz  (who  were 
panting  in  a  locker)  were  as  well  as  could  be  expected,  and 
giving  any  other  interesting  particulars  regarding  himself,  his 
fellow-travellers,  or  the  country  in  general,  that  could  be  com 
pressed  into  the  space  of  sixty  seconds  or  thereabouts ;  and  the 
visits  were  regularly  and  ruthlessly  brought  to  an  abrupt  termi 
nation  b;y  the  angry  "  Now,  then,  sir !"  of  the  guard,  and  the 
reckless  thrusting  of  the  little  gentleman  into  his  second  class 
carriage,  to  the  endangermeut  of  his  Hie  and  limbs,  and  the  ex 
aggerated  display  of  authority  on  the  part  of  the  railway  official. 

Mr.  Bouncer's  mercurial  temperament  had  enabled  him  to  gel 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN.         & 

over  the  little  misfortune  that  had  followed  upon  his  exam  .nation 
for  hi  }  degree  ;  but  he  still  preserved  a  memento  ot  that  Implesa 
period  in  the  shape  of  a  wig  of  curly  black  hair.  For  he  found, 
during  the  summer  months,  such  coolness  from  his  shaven  poll, 
that,  in  spite  of  "the  mum's'*  entreaties,  he  would  not  suffer  hia 
own  luxuriant  locks  to  grow,  but  declared  that,  till  the  winter  at 
any  rate,  he  would  wear  his  gerit'a  real  head  of  hair ;  and  in 
order  that  our  railway  party  should  not  forget  the  reason  for  its 
existence,  Mr.  Bouncer  occasionally  favoured  them  with  a  sight  oi 
his  bald  head,  and  also  narrated  to  them,  with  great  glee,  how, 
when  a  very  starchy  lady  of  a  certain  age  had  left  their  carriage, 
he  had  called  after  her  upon  the  platform— holding  out  his  wig 
as  he  did  so-— that  she  had  left  some  of  her  property  behind  her ; 
and  how  the  passengers  and  porters  had  grinned,  and  the  starchy 
lady  had  lost  all  her  stiffening  through  the  hotness  of  her  wrath. 
York  at  last !  A  half- hour's  escape  from  the  hot  carriage,  and 
a  hasty  dinner  on  cold  lamb  and  cool  salad  in  the  pleasant  re 
freshment-room  hung  round  with  engravings.  Mr.  Bouncer's 
dinner  is  got  over  with  incredible  rapidity,  in  order  that  the  little 
gentleman  may  carry  out  his  humane  intention  of  releasing  Huz 
and  Buz  from  their  locker,  and  giving  them  their  dinner  and  a 
run  on  the  remote  end  of  the  platform,  at  a  distance  from  timid 
spectators ;  which  design  is  satisfactorily  performed,  and  crowned 
with  a  douche  bath  from  the  engine-pump.  Then,  away  again  to 
the  rabbit  -  hole 
of  a  locker,  the 
smoky  second- 
class  carriage, 
and  the  stuffy 
first-class  ;  in 
carcerated  in 
which  black  - 
hole,  the  plump 
Miss  Bouncer, 
notwithstanding 
that  she  has  re 
moved  her  bon 
net  and  all  su- 
perrluous  cover 
ings,  gets  hotter 
than  ever  in  the 

afternoon  sun,  and  is  seen,   ever  and  anon,   to  pass  over  h»i 
glowing  face  a  handkerchief  cooled  with  the  waters  of  Cologne 


4          THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN 

And,  when  the  man  with  the  grease-pot  comes  round  to  look  at 
the  tires  of  the  wheels,  the  sight  of  it  increases  her  warmth  by 
suggesting  a  desire  (which  cannot  be  gratified)  for  lemon  ice. 
Nevertheless,  they  have  with  them  a  variety  of  cooling  refresh 
ments,  and  their  hot-house  fruit  and  strawberries  are  most  ac 
ceptable.  The  Misses  Green  have  wisely  followed  their  friend's 
example,  in  the  removal  of  bonnets  and  mantles ;  and,  as  they 
amuse  themselves  with  books  arid  embroidery,  the  black-hole 
bears,  as  far  as  possible,  a  resemblance  *o  a  boudoir.  Charles 
Larkyns  favours  the  company  with  extracts  from  The  Times ; 
reads  to  them  the  last  number  of  Dickens's  new  tale,  or  directs 
their  attention  to  the  most  note-worthy  points  on  their  route. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  is  seated  vis-d-vis  to  the  plump  Miss  Bouncer, 
and  benignantly  beams  upon  her  through  his  glasses,  or  mus 
ingly  consults  his  Bradshaw  to  count  how  much  nearer  they 
have  crept  to  their  destination,  the  while  his  thoughts  have 
travelled  on  in  the  very  quickest  of  express  trains,  and  have 
already  reached  the  far  north. 

Thus  they  journey :  crawling  under  the  stately  old  walls  of 
York  ;  then,  with  a  rush  and  a  roar,  sliding  rapidly  over  the  level 
landscape,  from  whence  they  can  look  back  upon  the  glorious 
Minster  towers  standing  out  grey  and  cold  from  the  sunlit  plain. 
Then,  to  Darlington ;  and  on  by  porters  proclaiming  the  names 
of  stations  in  uncouth  Dunelmian  tongue,  informing  passengers 
that  they  have  reached  "  Faweyill  "  and  "  Fensoosen,"  instead  of 
"  Ferry  Hill "  and  '*  Fence  Houses,"  and  terrifying  nervous 
people  by  the  command  to  "  Change  here  for  Doom  !"  when  only 
the  propinquity  of  the  palatinate  city  is  signified.  And  so,  on 
by  the  triple  towers  of  Durham  that  gleam  in  the  sun  with  a 
ruddy  orange  hue ;  on,  leaving  to  the  left  that  last  resting-place 
of  Bede  and  St.  Cuthbert,  on  the  rock 

"Where  his  cathedral,  huge  and  vast, 
Looks  down  upon  the  Wear." 

On,  past  the  wonderfully  out-of-place  "  Durham  monument,"  a 
Grecian  temple  on  a  naked  hill  among  the  coal-pits  ;  on,  with  a 
double  curve,  over  the  Wear,  laden  with  its  Rhine-like  rafts;  on, 
to  grimy  Gateshead  and  smoky  Newcastle,  and,  with  a  scream 
and  a  rattle,  over  the  wonderful  High  Level  (then  barely  com 
pleted),  looking  down  with  a  sort  of  self-satisfied  shudder  upon 
the  bridge,  and  the  Tyne,  and  the  fleet  of  colliers,  and  the  busy 
quays,  and  the  quaint  timber- built  houses  with  their  overlapping 
storys,  and  picturesque  black  and  white  gables.  Then,  on  agdin, 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.          5 

after  a  cool  delay  and  brief  release  from  the  black-hole;  on, 
into  Northumbrian  ground,  over  the  Wansbeck  ;  past  Morpeth; 
by  Warkworth,  and  its  castle,  and  hermitage ;  over  the  Coquet 
stream,  beloved  by  the  friends  of  gentle  Izaak  Walton  ;  on,  by  the 
sea-side — almost  along  the  very  sands — with  the  refreshing  sea- 
breeze,  and  the  murmuring  plash  of  the  breakers — the  Misses 
Green  giving  way  to  childish  delight  at  this  their  first  glimpse  of 
the  sea;  on,  over  the  Aln,  and  past  Alnwick;  and  so  on,  still 
further  north,  to^a  certain  little  station,  which  is  the  terminus  of 
their  railway  journey,  and  the  signal  of  their  deliverance  from 
the  black-hole. 

There,  on  the  platform  is  Mr.  Honeywood,  looking  hale  and 
happy,  and  delighted  to  receive  his  posse  of  visitors ;  and  there, 
outside  the  little  station,  is  the  carriage  and  dog-cart,  and  a 
spring-cart  for  the  luggage.  Charles  Lafkyns  takes  possession 
of  the  dog- cart,  in  company  with  Mary  and  Fanny  Green,  and 
little  Mr.  Bouncer;  while  Huz  and  Buz,  released  from  their 
weary  imprisonment,  caracole  gracefully  around  the  vehicle.  Mr. 
Honeywood  takes  the  reins  of  his  own  carriage ;  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  mounts  the  box  beside  him;  Miss  Bouncer  and  Miss 
Helen  Green  take  possession  of  the  open  interior  of  the  carriage  ; 
the  spring-cart,  with  the  servants  and  luggage,  follows  in  the 
rear ;  and  off  they  go. 

But,  though  the  two  blood-horses  are  by  no  means  slow  of 
action,  and  do,  in  truth,  gallop  apace  like  fiery-footed  steeds, 
yet  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  anxious  mind  they  seem  to  make 
but  slow  progress ;  and  the  magnificent  country  through  which 
they  pass  offers  but  slight  charms  for  his  abstracted  thoughts ; 
until  (at  last)  they  come  in  sight  of  a  broken  mountain-range, 
and  Mr.  Honeywood,  pointing  with  his  whip,  exclaims,  *'  Yen's 
the  Cheevyuts.  as  they -say  in  these  parts;  there  are  the  Cheviot 
Hills  ;  and  there,  just  where  you  see  that  gleam  of  light  on  a 
white  house  among  some  trees — there  is  Honeywood  Hall." 

Did  Mr.  Verdant  Green  remove  his  eyes  from  that  object  of 
attraction,  save  when  intervening  hills,  for  a  time,  hid  it  from  hia 
view  ?  did  he,  when  they  neared  it,  and  he  saw  its  landscape 
beauties  bathed  in  the  golden  splendours  of  a  July  sunset,  did  he 
think  it  a  very  paradise  that  held  within  its  bowers  the  Peri  of 
his  heart's  worship  ?  did  he — as  they  passed  the  lodge,  and  drove 
up  an  avenue  of  firs — did  he  scan  the  windows  of  the  house,  and 
immediately  determine  in  his  own  mind  which  was  HER  window, 
oblivious  to  the  fact  that  SHE  might  sleep  on  the  other  side  of 
the  building  ?  did  he,  as  they  pulled  up  at  the  door,  scrutmiso 


6          THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN 

the  female  figures  who  were  there  to  receive  them,  and  experience 
a  feeling  made  up  of  doubt  and  certainty,  that  there  was  one 
who,  though  not  present,  wns  waiting  near  with  a  heart  heating  as 
anxiously  as  his  own  ?  did  he  make  wild  remarks,  and  return 
incoherent  answers,  until  the  long-expected  moment  had  come 
that  brought  him  face  to  face  with  the  adorable  Patty?  did  he 
envy  Charles  Larkyns  for  possessing  and  practising  the  cousinly 
privilege  of  bestowing  a  kiss  upon  her  rosy  cheeks  ?  and  did  he, 
as  he  pressed  her  hand,  and  marked  the  heightened  glow  of  her 
happy  face,  did  he  feel  within  his  heart  an  exultant  thrill  of  joy 
as  the  fervid  thought  fired  his  brain — one  day  she  may  be  mine  f 
Perhaps! 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEK. 


CHAPTER  II. 

VERDANT  GBEEN  DELIVERS  MISS  PATTY  HONEY  WOOD  FBOM  THB 
HOBNS  OF  A  DILEMMA. 

YEN  if  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
had  not  been  filled  with 
the  peculiarly  pleasurable 
sensations  to  which  allu 
sion  has  just  been  made, 
it  is  yet  exceedingly  pro 
bable  that  he  would  have 
found  his  visit  to  Honey- 
wood  Hall  one  of  those 
agreeable  and  notable 
events  which  the  memory 
of  after-years  invests  with 
the  couleur  du  rose. 

In  the  first  place — even  if  Miss  Patty  was  left  out  of  the 
question — every  one  was  so  particularly  attentive  to  him,  that 
all  his  wants,  as  regarded  amusement  and  occupation,  were 
promptly  supplied,  and  not  a  minute  was  allowed  to  hang  heavily 
upon  his  hands.  And,  in  the  second  place,  the  country,  and  its 
people  and  customs,  had  so  much  freshness  and  peculiarity,  that 
he  could  not  stir  abroad  without  meeting  with  novelty.  New 
ideas  were  constantly  received ;  and  other  sensations  of  a  still 
more  delightful  nature  were  daily  deepened.  Thus  the  time 
passed  pleasantly  away  at  Honey  wood  Hall,  and  the  hours  chased 
each  other  with  flying  feet. 

Mr.  Honeywood  was  a  squire,  or  laird ;  and  though  the  pro 
spect  from  the  hall  was  far  too  extensive  to  allow  of  his  being 
monarch  of  all  that  he  surveyed,  yet  he  was  the  proprietor  of  no 
inconsiderable  portion.  The  small  village  'of  Honeybourn, — 
wnich  brought  its  one  wide  street  of  long,  low,  lime- washed  houses 
hard  by  the  hall, — owned  no  other  master  than  Mr.  Honeywood , 
and  all  its  inhabitants  were,  in  one  way  or  other,  his  labourers. 
They  had  their  own  blacksmith,  shoemaker,  tailor,  and  carpenter ; 
they  maintained  a  general  shop  of  the  tea-coffec-tobacco-and-snutf 
genus;  and  they  lived  as  one  family,  entirely  independent  of 
any  other  village.  In  fact,  the  villages  in  that  district  were  aa 


8 


THE  ADVENTUKES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


sparingly  distributed  as  are  "  livings"  among  poor  curates,  and, 
when  met  with,  were  equally  as  small ;  and  so  it  happened,  that 
as  the  landowners  usually  resided,  like  Mr.  Honey  wood,  among 
their  own  people,  a  gentleman  would  occasionally  be  as  badly  off 
for  a  neighbour,  as  though  he  had  been  a  resident  in  the  back 
woods  of  Canada.  This  evil,  however,  was  productive  of  good, 
in  that  it  set  aside  the  possibility  of  a  deliberate  interchange  of 
formal  morning-calls,  and  obliged  neighbours  to  be  hospitable  to 
each  other,  sans  ceremonie,  and  with,  all  good  fellowship.  To 
drive  fifteen,  twenty,  or  even  five-and-t\venty  miles,  to  a  dinner 
party  was  so  common  an  occurrence,  that  it  excited  surprise  only 
in  a  stranger,  whose  wonderment  at  this  voluntary  fatigue  would 
be  quickly  dispelled  on  witnessing  the  hearty  hospitality  and 
friendly  freedom  that  made  a  north  country  visit  so  enjoyable, 
and  robbed  the  dinner  party  of  its  ordinary  character  of  an  Eng 
lish  solemnity. 

Close  to  Honeybourn  village  was  the  Squire's  model  farm, 
with  its  wide-spreading  yards  and  buildings,  and  its  comfortable 
bailiff's  house.  In  a  morning  at  sunrise,  when  our  Warwick 
shire  friends  were  yet  in  bed,  such  of  them  as  were  light  sleepers 
would  hear  a  not  very  melodious  fanfare  from  a  cow's  horn — 
the  signal  to  the  village  that  the  day's  work  was  begun,  which 
signal  was  repeated  at  sunset.  This  old  custom  possessed  un 
common  charms  for  Mr.  Bouncer,  whose,  only  regret  was  that  he 
had  left  behind  him  his  celebrated  tin  horn.  But  he  took  to  the 
cow-horn  with  the  readiness  of  a  child  to  a  new  plaything  ;  and, 
having  placed  himself  under  the  instruction  of  the  Northumbrian 

Kcenig,  was  'speedily  ena 
bled  to  sound  his  octaves 

J$t'*>  J^^-y&rU  ^^^     ftnd  g/°  thu  comPlete  uni* 

F  ^°^L  TK^^S^^fioissm^   corn  (as  ne  was  wont  to 

fe  j^Sfc.^a,Xfesp£JH  m^  express  it,  in  his  pecu 
liarly  figurative  eastern 
language)  with  a  still  more 
astounding  effect  than  he 
had  done  on  his  former 
.___  instrument.  The  little 

^yj^^^^^^^^^B^^^^     gentleman  always    made 

the  times  of  the  arrival 

and  departure  of  the  post, — greatly  to  the  delight  of  small  Jock 
Muir,  who,  girded  with  his  letter-bag,  and  mounted  on  a  highly 
trained  donkey,  rode  to  and  fro  to  the  neighbouring  post-town. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREE1C.  ft 

Although  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  not  (according  to  Mr 
Boun'cer)  "  a  bucolical  party,"  and  had  not  any  very  amazing 
taste  for  agriculture,  he  nevertheless  could  not  but  feel  inter 
ested  in  what  he  saw  around  him.  To  one  who  was  so 
accustomed  to  the  small  enclosures  and  timbered  hedge-rows 
of  the  midland  counties,  the  country  of  the  Cheviots  appeared 
in  a  grand,  though  naked  aspect,  like  some  stalwart  gladiator 
of  the  stern  old  times.  The  fields  were  of  large  extent ;  and 
it  was  no  uncommon  sight  to  see,  within  one  boundary  fence, 
a  hundred  acres  of  wheat,  rippling  into  mimic  waves,  like  some 
inland  sea.  The  flocks  and  herds,  too,  were  on  a  grand  scale ; 
men  counted  their  sheep,  not  by  tens,  but  by  hundreds.  Every 
thing  seemed  to  be  influenced,  as  it  were,  by  the  large  cha 
racter  of  the  scenery.  The  green  hills,  with  their  short  sweet 
grass,  gave  good  pasture  for  the  fleecy  tribe,  who  were  dotted 
over  the  sward  in  almost  countless  numbers ;  and  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  was  as  much  gratified  with  "  the  silly  sheep "  as  with 
anything  else  that  he  witnessed  in  that  land  of  novelty.  To 
see  the  shepherd,  with  his  bonnet  and  grey  plaid,  and  long 
slinging  step,  walking  first,  and  the  flock  following  him, — to 
hear  him  call  the  sheep  by  name,  and  to  perceive  how  he  knew 
them  individually,  and  how  they  each  and  all  would  answer  to 
his  voice,  was  a  realisation  of  Scripture  reading,  and  a  northern 
picture  of  Eastern  life. 

The  head  shepherd,  old  Andrew  Graham — an  active  youth 
whose  long  snowy  locks  had  been  bleached  by  the  snows  of  eighty 
winters — was  an  especial  favourite  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's,  who 
would  never  tire  of  his  company,  or  of  his  anecdotes  of  his  mar 
vellous  dogs.  His  cottage  was  at  a  distance  from  the  village, 
up  in  a  snug  hollow  of  one  of  the  hills.  There  he  lived,  and 
there  had  been  brought  up  his  six  sons,  and  as  many  daughters. 
Of  the  latter,  two  were  out  at  service  in  noble  families  of  the 
county ;  one  was  maid  to  the  Misses  Honeywood,  and  the  three 
others  were  at  home.  How  they  and  the  other  inmates  of  the 
cottage  were  housed,  was  a  mystery ;  for,  although  old  Andrew 
was  of  a  superior  condition  in  life  to  the  other  cottagers  of 
Honeybourn,  yet  his  domicile  was  like  all  the  rest  in  its  arrange 
ments  and  accommodation.  It  was  one  moderately  large  room, 
fitted  up  with  cupboards,  in  which,  one  above  another,  were 
berths,  like  to  those  on  board  a  steamer.  In  what  way  the 
morning  and  evening  toilettes  were  performed  was  a  still  greater 
mystery  to  our  Warwickshire  friends;  nevertheless,  the  good- 
looking  trio  of  damsels  were  always  to  be  found  neat,  cleau,  and 


10 


THE  ADVENTURES  Oi'  MR.  VERDANT  GSEEN. 


presentable  ;  and,  as  their  mother  one  day  proudly  remarked, 
they  were  ••  douce,  sonsy  bairns,  \vi'  weei-faur'd  nebs ;  and,  fof 
puir  folks,  would  be  weel  tochered."  Upon  which  our  hero  said 
"  Indeed  !"  \vhich,  as  he  had  not  the  slightest  idea  what  the 
good  woman  meant,  was,  perhaps,  the  wisest  remark  that  he 
could  have  made. 

One  of  them  was  generally  to  be  found  spinning  at  her  muckle 
wheel,  retiring  and  advancing  to  the  music  of  its  cheerful  hum 
the  while  her  spun  thread  was  rapidly  coiled  up  on  the  spindle. 
The  others,  as  they  busied  themselves  in  their  household  duties, 
or  brightened  up  the  delf  and  pewter,  and  set  it  out  on  the  shelf 
to  its  best  advantage,  would  join  in  some  plaintive  Scotch  ballad, 
with  such  good  taste  and  skill  that  our  friends  would  frequently 
love  to  linger  within  hearing,  though  out  of  sight.  But  these 

artless  ditties 
were  sometimes 
specially  sung 
for  them  when 
they  paid  the 
cottage -room  a 
visit,  and  sat 
around  its  cano 
pied,  projecting 
fire-place.  For, 
old  Andrew  was 
a  great  smoker; 
and  little  Mr 
Bouncer  was  ex 
ceedingly  fond 
of  way  laying  him 
on  his  return 

home,  and  "  blowing  a  cloud  "  with  so  loquacious  and  novel  a 
companion.  And  Mr.  Verdant  Green  sometimes  joined  him  in 
these  visits ;  on  which  occasions,  as  harmony  was  the  order  oi 
the  day,  he  would  do  his  best  to  further  it  by  singing  "  Mar 
ble  Halls,"  or  any  other  song  that  his  limited  repertoire  could 
boast;  while  old  Andrew  would  burst  into  "Tullochgorum,"  or 
do  violence  to  "  Get  up  and  bar  the  door." 

It  must  be  confessed,  that  the  conversation  at  such  times 
was  sustained  not  without  difficulty.  Old  Andrew,  his  wife,  and 
the  major  portion  of  his  family,  were  barely  able  to  understand 
the  language  of  their  guests,  whom  they  persisted  in  generalising 
as  "  cannie  Soothrons  ;"  while  the  guests,  on  their  part,  could  not 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN 


11 


altogether  arrive  at  the  meaning  of  observations  that  were  couched 
in  the  most  incomprehensible  patois  that  was  ever  invented.  It 
was  "  neither  fish,  flesh,  nor  good  red  herring,"  although  it  was 
flavoured  with  the  Northumbrian  burr,  and  mixed  with  a  speciea 
of  Scotch  ;  and  the  historian  of  these  pages  would  feel  almost  as 
much  difficulty  in  setting  down  thft  north- Northumbrian  dialect, 
as  he  would  do  were  he  to  attempt  to  reduce  to  words  the  bird- 
like  chatter  of  the  Bosjesmen.  , 

When,  for  example,  the  bewigged  Mr.  Bouncer — "  the  laddie 
wi*  the  black  pow,"as  they  called  him — was  addressed  as  "Hinny! 
jist  come  ben,  and  crook  yer  hough  on  the  settle,  and  het  yersen 
by  the  chimney-lug,"  it  was  as  much  by  action  as  by  word  that 
he  understood  an  invitation  to  be  seated  ;  though  the  "  wet 
yer  thrapple  wi'  a  drap  o'  whuskie,  mon  !"  was  easier  of  compre 
hension  when  accompanied  with  the  presentation  of  the  whiskey- 
horn.  In  like  manner,  when  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  arrival  was 
announced  by  the  furious  barking  of  the  faithful  dogs,  the  apology 
that  "  the  camstary  breutes  of  dougs  would  not  steek  their  clat- 
terin'  gabs,"  was  accepted  as  an  ample  explanation,  more  from 
the  dogs  being  quieted  than  from  the  lucidity  of  the  remark  that 
explained  their  uproar. 

There  was  one  class  of  lady-labourers,  peculiar  to  that  part  nf 
the  country,  who  were 
called  Bondagers, — great 
strapping  damsels  of  three 
or  four  -  woman  -  power, 
whose  occupation  it  was  fo 
draw  water,  and  perform 
some  of  the  rougher  duties 
attendant  upon  agricultu 
ral  pursuits.  The  sturdy 
legs  of  these  young  ladies 
were  equipped  in  greaves 
of  leather,  which  pro 
tected  them  from  the  cut 
ting  attacks  of  stubble, 
thistles,  and  all  other 
lacerating  specimens  of 
botany,  and  their  exube 
rant  figures  were  clad  in 
buskins,  and  many -co 
loured  garments,  that 
Were  not  long  enough  to  conceal  their  greaves  and  clod-hopping 


18 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


boots.  Altogether,  these  young  women,  when  engaged  at  theil 
ordinary  avocations  by  the  side  of  a  spring,  formed  no  unpic- 
turesque  subject  for  the  sketcher's  pencil,  and  might  have  been 
advantageously  transferred  to  canvas  by  many  an  artist  who  tra 
vels  to  greater  distances  in  search  of  lesser  novelties.* 

But  many  peculiar  subjects  for  the  pencil  might  there  have 

been  found.  One  day 
when  they  were  all  going 
to  see  the  ewe-milking 
(which  of  itself  would 
have  furnished  material 
for  a  host  of  sketches), 
they  suddenly  came  upon 
the  following  scene. 
Round  by  the  gable  of  a 
cottage  was  '  seated  a 
shock-headed  rustic  Absa 
lom,  and  standing  over 
him  was  another  rustic, 
who,  with  a  large  pair  of 
shears,  was  acting  as  an 
amateur  Tonson,  and  was 
earnestly  engaged  in  re 
ducing  the  other's  profuse  head  of  hair;  an  occupation  upon 
which  he  busied  himself  with  more  zeal  than  discretion.  Of  this 
little  scene  Miss  Patty  Honeywood  forthwith  made  a  memo 
randum. 

For  Miss  Patty  possessed  the  enviable  accomplishment  of 
sketching  from  nature ;  and,  leaving  the  beaten  track  of  young- 
lady  figure -artists,  who  usually  limit  their  efforts  to  chalk-heads 

*  In  north-Northumberland,  farm-labourers  are  usually  hired  by  the 
year— from  Whitsunday  to  Whitsunday— and  are  paid  mostly  in  kind, — 
so  many  bolls  of  oats,  barley,  and  peas — so  much  flax  and  wheat — the 
keep  of  a  cow,  and  the  addition  of  a  few  pounds  in  money.  Every  hind  or 
labourer  is  bound,  in  return  for  his  house,  to  provide  a  woman  labourer 
to  the  farmer,  for  so  much  a  day  throughout  the  year — which  is  usually 
tenpence  a  day  in  summer,  and  eightpence  in  winter;  and  as  it  often  hap 
pens  that  he  has  none  of  his  own  family  fit  for  the  work,  he  has  to  hire  a 
woman,  at  large  wages,  to  do  it.  As  the  demand  is  greater  than  the  supply 
there  is  not  always  a  strict  inquiry  into  the  "  bondager's  "  character.  As 
with  the  case  of  hop-pickers — whom  these  bondagers  somewhat  resemble 
both  socially  and  morally — they  are  oftentimes  the  inhabitants  of  densely 
populated  towns,  who  are  tempted  to  live  a  brief  agricultural  life,  not  so 
much  from  the  temptation  of  the  wages,  as  irom  the  desire  to  pass  a  sum. 
mer-time  in  the  country. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.         18 

and  crayon  smudges,  she  boldly  launched  into  the  more  difficult, 
but  far  more  pleasing  undertaking  of  delineating  the  human 
form  divine  from  the  very  life.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  found  this 
sketching  from  nature  to  be  so  pretty  a  pastime,  that  though 
unable  of  himself  to  produce  the  feeblest  specimen  of  art,  he  yet 
took  the  greatest  delight  in  watching  the  facility  with  which 
Miss  Patty's  taper  fingers  transferred  to  paper  the  maisemblance 
of  a  pair  of  sturdy  Bondagers,  or  the  miniature  reflection  of  a 
grand  landscape.  Happily  for  him,  also,  by  way  of  an  excuse 
for  bestowing  his  company  upon  Miss  Patty,  he  was  enabled  to 
be  of  some  use  to  her  in  carrying  her  sketching-block  and  box 
of  moist  water-colours,  or  in  bringing  to  her  water  from  a  neigh 
bouring  spring,  or  in  sharpening  her  pencils.  On  these  occasions 
Verdant  would  have  preferred  their  being  left  to  the  sole  enjoy 
ment  of  each  other's  company ;  but  this  was  not  so  to  be,  for  they 
were  always  favoured  with  the  attendance  of  at  least  a  third 
person. 

But  (at  last !)  on  one  happy  day,  when  the  bright  sunshine  was 
reflected  in  Miss  Patty  Honeywood's  bright-beaming  face,  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  found  himself  wandering  forth, 

"  All  in  the  blue,  unclouded  weather," 

with  his  heart's  idol,  and  no  third  person  to  intrude  upon  their 
duet.  The  alleged  purport  of  the  walk  was,  that  Miss  Patty 
might  sketch  the  ruined  church  of  Lasthope,  which  was  about 
two  miles  distant  from  the  Hall.  To  reach  it  they  had  to  follow 
the  course  of  the  Swirl,  which  ran  through  the  Squire's  grounds. 
The  Swirl  was  a  brawling,  picturesque  stream ;  at  one  place 
narrowing  into  threads  of  silver  between  lichen-covered  stones  and 
fragments  of  rock;  at  another  place  flowing  on  in  deep  pools — 

"  Wimpling,  dimpling,  staying  never — 
Lisping,  gurgling,  ever  going, 
Sipping,  slipping,  ever  flowing, 
Toying  round  the  polish'd  stone  ;"» 

fretting  "  in  rough,  shingly  shallows  wide,"  and  then  "  bickering 
down  the  sunny  day."  On  one  day,  it  might,  in  places,  and  with 
the  aid  of  stepping-stones,  be  crossed  dry  shod;  and  within 
twenty-four  hours  it  might  be  swelled  by  mountain  torrents  into 
a  river  wider  than  the  Thames  at  Richmond.  This  sudden 
growth  of  the 

"  Infant  of  the  weeping  hills," 

was  the  reason  why  the  high  road  was  carried  over  the  Swirl  by 

*  Thomas  Aird. 
11 


14 


THE  ADVENTURES  OP  MB.  VERDANT  tfREEN. 


a  bridge  of  ten  arches — a  circumstance  which  had  greatly  excite  J 
little  Mr.  Bouncer's  ideas  of  the  ridiculous  when  he  perceived 
the  narrow  stream  scarcely  wide  enough  to  wet  the  sides  of  one 
of  the  arches  of  the  great  bridge  that  straggled  over  it,  like  a 
railway  viaduct  over  a  canal.  But,  ere  his  visit  to  Honey  wood 
Hall  had  come  to  an  end,  the  little  gentleman  had  more  than 
once  seen  the  Swirl  swollen  to  i^s  fullest  dimensions,  and  been 
enabled  to  recognise  the  use  of  the  bridge,  and  the  full  force  of 
the  local  expression — "  the  waeter  is  grit." 

As  Verdant  and  Miss  Patty  made  their  way  along  the  bank 
of  this  most  changeable  stream,  they  came  upon  Mr.  Charles 
Larkyns  knee-deep  in  it,  equipped  in  his  wading-boots  and  fish 
ing  dress,  and  industriously  whipping  the  water  for  trout.  The 
Swirl  was  a  famous  trout-stream,  and  Mr.  Honeywood's  coach 
man  was  a  noted  fisherman,  and  was  accustomed  to  pass  many 
of  his  nights  fishing  the  stream  with  a  white  moth.  It  appeared 
that  the  finny  inhabitants  of  the  Swirl  were  as  fond  of  whitebait 
as  are  Cabinet  Ministers  and  London  aldermen ;  for  the  coach 
man's  deeds  of  darkness  invariably  resulted  in  the  production  of 
a  fine  dish  of  freshly-caught  trout  for  the  breakfast-table. 

"  It  must  be  hard  work,"  said  Verdant  to  his  friend,  as  they 
stopped  awhile  to  watch  him ;  *'  it  must  be  hard  work  to  make 
your  way  against  the  stream,  and  to  clamber  in  and  out  among 
the  rocks  and  stones." 

"  Not  at  all  hard  work,"  was 
Charles  Larkyns's  ^reply,  "  but 
play.  Play,  too,  in  more  senses 
than  one.  See !  I  have  just  struck 
a  fish.  Watch,  while  I  play  him. 
'The  play's  the  thing!'  Wait 
awhile  and  you'll  see  me  land  him, 
or  I'm  much  mistaken." 

So  they  waited  awhile  and 
watched  this  fisherman  at  play, 
until  he  had  triumphantly  landed 
his  fish,  and  then  they  pursued 
their  way. 

Miss  Patty  had  great  conversa 
tional  abilities  and  immense  power 
of  small  talk,  so  that  Verdant  felt 
quite  at  ease  in  her  society,  and 
found  his  natural  timidity  anl  quiet  bashfulness  to  be  greatly 
dimimsned,  even  if  they  were  not  altogether  put  on  one  side. 
They  were  always  such  capital  friends,  and  Miss  Patty  was  so 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


15 


kind  and  thoughtful  in  making  Verdant  appear  to  the  best 
advantage,  and  in  looking  over  any  little  gaucheries  to  which  his 
bashfulness  might  give  birth,  that  it  is  not  to  be  wondered  at  if 
the  young  gentleman  should  feel  great  delight  in  her  society, 
and  should  seek  for  it  at  every  opportunity.  In  fact,  Miss  Patty 
Honeywood  was  beginning  to  be  quite  necessary  to  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  happy  existence.  It  may  be  that  the  young  lady  war 
not  altogether  ignorant  of  this,  but  was  enabled  to,  read  the 
young  man's  state  of  mind,  and  to  judge  pretty  accurately  of  his 
inward  feelings,  from  those  minute  details  of  outward  evidence 
which  womankind  are  so  quick  to  mark,  and  so  skilful  in  tracing 
to  their  true  source.  It  may  be,  also,  that  the  young  lady  did 
not  choose  either  to  check  these  feelings  or  to  alter  this  state  of 
mind — which  she  certainly  ought  to  have  done  if  she  was  soli 
citous  for  her  companion's  happiness,  and  was  unable  to  increase 
it  in  the  way  that  he  wished. 

But,  at  any  rate,  with  mutual  satisfaction  for  the  present,  they 
strolled  together  along  the  Swirl's  rocky  banks,  and  passing  into 
a  large  enclosure,  they  advanced  midway  through  the  fields  to  a 
spot  which  seemed  a  suitable  one  for  Miss  Patty's  purpose. 
The  brawling  stream  made  a  good  foreground  for  the  picture, 
which,  on  the  one  side,  was  shut  in  by  a  steep  hill  rising  preci 
pitously  from  the  water's  rough  bed,  and  on  the  other  side  opened 
out  into  a  mountainous  landscape,  having  in  the  near  view  the 
ruined  church  of  Lasthope,  with  the  still  more  ruinous  minister's 
house,  a  fir  plan- 

^"  ~*S.~"    Tl—---  _  "T*^*  ^^  ~~* — "      _ — N.^^  _-* 


tation,andarude 
bridge;  with  a 
middle  distance 
of  bold,  sheep- 
dotted  hills;  and 
for-  a  back 
ground  the  "sow- 
backed"  Cheviot 
itself. 

Miss  Patty  had 
made  her  outline 
of  this  scene, 
and  wus  prepar 
ing  to  wash  it  in, 
when,  as  her 

companion  came  up  from  the  §trevm  with  a  little  tin  can  of 
water,  he  saw,  to  his  equal  *error  and  amazement,  a  Luge 
bull  of  the  most  uninviting  aspect  stealthily  approaching  the 


16          THE  ADVENTUBES  OP  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

seated  figure  of  the  unconscious  young  lady.  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  looked  hastily  around  and  at  once  perceived  the  dange* 
that  menaced  his  fair  friend.  It  was  evident  that  the  hull  had 
come  up  from  the  further  end  of  the  large  enclosure,  the  while 
they  had  been  too  occupied  to  observe  his  stealthy  approach. 
No  one  was  in  sight  save  Charles  Larkyns,  who  was  too  far 
off  to  be  of  any  use.  The  nearest  gate  was  about  a  hundred 
and  fifty  yards  distant;  and  the  bull  was  so  placed  that  he 
could  overtake  them  before  they  would  be  able  to  reach  it. 
Overtake  them! — yes!  But  suppose  they  separated?  then,  as 
the  brute  could  not  go  two  ways  at  once,  there  would  be  a  chance 
for  one  of  them  to  get  through  the  gate  in  safety.  Love,  which 
induces  people  to  take  extraordinary  steps,  prompted  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green  to  jump  at  a  conclusion.  He  determined,  with  less 
display  but  more  sincerity  than  melodramatic  heroes,  to  save 
Miss  Patty,  or  "  .perish  in  the  attempt." 

She  was  seated  on  the  rising  bank  altogether  ignorant  of  the 
presence  of  danger ;  and,  as  Verdant  returned  to  her  with  the 
tin  can  of  water,  she  received  him  with  a  happy  smile,  and  a  gush 
»f  pleasant  small  talk,  which  our  hero  immediately  repressed  by 
eftying,  "  Don't  be  frightened — there  is  no  danger — but  there  is 
a  bull  coming  towards  us.  Walk  quietly  to  that  gate,  and  keep 
your  face  towards  him  as  much  as  possible,  and  don't  let  him 
see  that  you  are  afraid  of  him.  I  will  take  off  his  attention  till 
you  are  safe  at  the  gate,  and  then  I  can  wade  through  the  stream 
and  get  out  of  his  reach." 

Miss  Patty  had  at  once  sprung  to  her  feet,  and  her  smile  had 
changed  to  a  terrified  expression.  "  Oh,  but  he  will  hurt  you  !" 
she  cried ;  "  do  come  with  me.  It  is  papa's  bull  Roarer ;  he  is 
very  savage.  I  can't  think  what  brings  him  here — he  is  gener 
ally  up  at  the  bailiff's.  Pray  do  come  ;  I  can  take  care  of  my 
self." 

Miss  Patty  in  her  agitation  and  anxiety  had  taken  hold  of  Mr. 
Verdant  Green's  hand  ;  but,  although  the  young  gentleman  would 
at  any  other  time  have  very  willingly  allowed  her  to  retain  pos 
session  of  it,  on  the  present  occasion  he  disengaged  it  from  her 
clasp,  and  said,  "  Pray  don't  lose  time,  or  it  will  be  too  late  for 
both  of  us.  I  assure  you  that  I  can  easily  take  care  of  myself. 
Now  do  go,  pray;  quietly,  but  quickly."  So  Miss  Patty,  with 
an  earnest,  searching  gaze  into  her  companion's  face,  did  as  he 
bade  her,  and  retreated  with  her  face  to  the  foe. 

In  a  few  seconds,  however,  the  object  of  her  movement  had 
dawned  upon  Mr.  Roarer's  dull  understanding,  upon  which  dis« 
oovery  he  set  up  a  bellow  of  fury,  aud  stamped  the  ground  in 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.         1? 

rery  undignified  wrath.  But,  more  than  this,  like  a  skilful 
general  who  has  satisfactorily  worked  out  the  forty-seventh  pro 
position  of  the  First  Book  of  Euclid,  and  knows  therefrom  that 
the  square  of  the  hypothenuse  equals  both  that  of  the  base  and 
perpendicular,  he  unconsciously  commenced  the  solution  of  the 
problem,  by  making  a  galloping  charge  in  the  direction  of  the  gate 
to  which  Miss  Patty  was  hastening.  Thereupon,  Mr.  Verdant 
Green,  perceiving  the  young  lady's  peril,  deliberately  ran  towards 
Mr.  Roarer,  shouting  and  brandishing  the  sketch-book.  Mr.  Roarer 
paused  in  wonder  and  perplexity.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  shouted 
and  advanced ;  Miss  Patty  steadily  retreated.  After  a  few 
moments  of  indecision  Mr.  Roarer  abandoned  his  design  of  pur 
suing  the  petticoats,  and  resolved  that  the  gentleman  should  be 
his  first  victim.  Accordingly  he  sounded  his  trumpet  for  the 
conflict,  gave  another  roar  and  a  stamp,  and  then  ran  towards  Mr. 
Verdant  Green,  who,  having  picked  up  a  large  stone,  threw  it 
dexterously  into  Mr.  Roarer's  face,  which  brought  that  broad- 
chested  gentleman  to  a  stand-still  of  astonishment  and  a  search 
for  the  missile.  Of  this  Mr.  Verdant  Green  took  advantage, 
and  made  a  Parthian  retreat.  Glancing  towards  Miss  Patty  he 
saw  that  she  was  within  thirty  yards  of  the  gate,  and  in  a  minute 
or  two  would  be  in  safety — saved  through  his  means ! 

A  bellow  from  Mr.  Roarer's  powerful  lungs  prevented  him  for  the 
present  from  pursuing  this  delightful  theme.  In  another  moment 
the  bull  charged,  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green — braced  up,  as  it  were, 
io  energetic  proceedings  by  the  screams  with  which  Miss  Patty 
had  now  begun  to  shrilly  echo  Mr.  Roarer's  deep-mouthed  bel- 
lowings — waited  for  his  approach,  and  then,  as  the  bull  rushed 
on  him — like  a  massive  rock  hurled  forward  by  an  avalanche — 
lie  leaped  aside,  nimble  as  a  doubling  hare.  As  he  did  so,  he 
threw  down  his  wide-awake,  which  the  irate  Mr.  Roarer  forth- 
with  fell  upon,  and  tossed,  and  tossed,  and  tore  into  shreds.  By 
this  time,  Verdant  had  reached  the  bank  of  the  Swirl ;  but  before 
he  could  proceed  further,  the  bull  was  upon  him  again.  Venlaut 
jvas  prepared  for  this,  and  had  taken  off  his  coat.  As  the  bull 
dashed  heavily  towards  him,  with  head  bent  wickedly  to  the 
ground,  Verdant  again  doubled,  and,  with  the  dexterity  of  a 
matador,  threw  his  coat  upon  the  horns.  Blinded  by  this,  Mr. 
Roarer's  headlong  career  was  temporarily  checked ;  and  it  \\iia 
three  minutes  before  he  had  torn  to  shreds  the  imaginary  body 
of  his  enemy;  but  this  three  minutes'  pause  was  of  very  great 
importance,  and  in  all  probability  prevented  the  memoir*  of  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  from  coming  to  an  untimely  end  at  tLis  portion 
of  the  narrative. 


18         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

Miss  Patty's  continued  screams  had  been  signals  of  distress 
that  had  not  only  brought  up  Charles  Larkyns,  but  four  labourers 
also,  who  were  working  in  a  field  within  ear-shot.  This  corpt 
de  reserve  ran  up  to  the  spot  with  all  speed,  shouting  as  they  did 
so.  in  order  to  distract  Mr.  Roarer's  attention.  By  this  time 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  waded  into  the  water,  and  was  making 
the  bost  of  his  way  across  the  Swirl,  in  order  that  he  might  reach 
the  precipitous  hill  to  the  right ;  up  this  he  could  scramble  and 
bid  defiance  to  Mr.  Roarer.  But  there  is  many  a  slip  'tween 
cup  and  lip.  Poor  Verdant  chanced  to  make  a  stepping-stone 
of  a  treacherous  boulder,  and  fell  headlong  into  the  water ;  and 
ere  he  could  regain  his  feet,  the  bull  had  plunged  with  a  bellow 
into  the  stream,  and  was  within  a  yard  of  his  prostrate  form, 
when — 

When  you  may  imagine  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  delight  and 
Miss  Patty  Honeywood's  thankfulness  at  seeing  one  of  the 
labourers  run  into  the  stream,  and  strike  the  bull  a  heavy  stroke 
with  a  sharp  hoe,  the  pain  of  which  wound  caused  Mr.  Roarer  to 
suddenly  wheel  round  and  engage  with  his  new  adversary,  who 
followed  up  his  advantage,  and  cut  into  his  enemy  with  might  and 
main.  Then  Charles  Larky  us  and  the  other  three  labourers 
came  up,  and  the  bull  was  prevented  from  doing  an  injury  to  any 
one  until  a  farm-servant  had  arrived  upon  the  scene  with  a  strong 
halter,  when  Mr.  Roarer,  somewhat  spent  with  wrath,  and  suffering 
from  considerable  depression  of  animal  spirits,  was  conducted  to 
the  obscure  retirement  and  littered  ease  of  the  bull-house. 

This  little  adventure  has  been  recorded  here,  inasmuch  as  from 
it  was  forged,  by  the  hand  of  Cupid,  a  golden  link  in  our  hero's 
chain  of  fate ;  for  to  this  occurrence  Miss  Putty  attached  no 
slight  importance.  She  exalted  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  conduct 
on  this  occasion  into  an  act  of  heroism  worthy  to  be  ranked  with 
far  more  notable  deeds  of  valour.  She  looked  upon  him  as  a 
Bayard  who  had  chivalrously  risked  his  life  in  the  cause  of — 
love,  was  it?  or  only  of — a  lady.  Her  gratitude,  she  considered, 
ought  to  be  very  great  to  one  who*  had,  at  so  great  a  venture, 
preserved  her  from  so  horrible  a  death.  For  that  she  would 
have  been  dreadfully  gored,  and  would  have  lost  her  life,  if  she 
had  not  been  rescued  by  Mr.  Verdant  Greent  Miss  Patty  had 
most  fully  and  unalterably  decided — which,  certainly,  might 
have  been  the  case. 

At,  any  rate,  our  hero  had  no  reason  to  regret  that  portion  ol 
tug  life's  drama  in  which  Mr.  Roarer  had  made  his  appearance. 


ADYENTUBE8  OF  MB.  VERDAMT  GBEEH. 


CHAPTER  III. 

/ 

YESDANT  GREEN  STUDIES  TE  MANNERS  AND  CUSTOMS  OF  £« 
NATIVES. 

ISS  Pattj  Honeywood  was 
not  only  distinguished  for 
unlimited  powers  of  con 
versation,   but   was  also 
equally   famous   for   her 
equestrian  abilities.    She 
and  her  sister  were  the 
first  horsewomen  in  that 
part  of  the  county;  and, 
if  their  father  had  per 
mitted,  they  would  have 
been    delighted    to    ride 
to  hounds,  and  to  cross 
country  with  the  foremost 
flight,  for  they  had  pluck 
enough      for     any  tiling. 
They  had  such  light  hands  and  good  seats,  and  in  every  respect 
rode  so  well,  that,  as  a  matter  of  course,  they  looked  well — 
never  better,  perhaps,  than — wiien  on  horseback.     Their  bright, 
happy  faces  —  which  were  far  more  beautiful  in  their  piquant 
irregularities  of  feature,  and  gave  one  far  more  pleasure  in  the 
contemplation   than  if  they  had   been   moulded  in   the  coldly 
chiselled  forms  of  classic  beauty — appeared  with  no  diminution 
of  charms,   when  set   off  by  their  pretty  felt  riding-hats ;  and 
their  full,  firm,  and  well-rounded  figures  were  seen  to  the  greatest 
advantage  when  clad  in  the  graceful  dress  that  passes  by  the  name 
of  a  riding-habit. 

Every  morning,  after  breakfast,  the  two  young  ladies  were 
accustomed  to  visit  the  stables,  where  they  had  interviews  with 
their  respective  steeds — steeds  and  mistresses  appearing  to  be 
equally  gratified  thereby.  It  is  perhaps  needless  to  state  that 
during  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  sojourn  at  Honeywood  HalJ,  Miss 
Patty's  stable  calls  were  generally  made  in  his  company. 

Such  rides  as  they  took  in  those  happy  days — wild,  pic-nic  sort 


ftO 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN 


of  rides,  over  country  equally  as  wild  and  removed  from  formality 
—rides  by  duets  and  rides  in  duodecimos ;  sometimes  a  soli 
tary  couple  or  two  ;  sometimes  a  round  dozen  of  them,  scamper 
ing  and  racing  over  hill  and  heather,  with  startled  grouse  and 
black-cock  skirring  up  from  under  the  very  hoofs  of  the  equally 
startled  horses ; — rides  by  tumbling  streams,  like  the  Swirl— 
splashing  through  them,  with  pulled-up  or  draggled  habits- 
then  cantering  on  "  over  bank,  bush,  and  scaur,"  like  so  many 
fair  Ellens  and  young  Lochinvars — clambering  up  very  preci 
pices,  and  creeping  down  break-neck  hills — laughing  and  talking, 
and  singing,  and  whistling,  and  even  (so  far  as  Mr.  Bouncer  was 
concerned)  blowing  cows'  horns  !  What  vagabond,  rollicking 
rides  were  those  !  What  a  healthy  contrast  to  the  necessarily 
formal,  groom-attended  canter  on  Society's  Rotten  Row ! 

A  legion  of  dogs  accompanied  them  on  these  occasions ;  a 
miscellaneous  pack  composed  of  Masters  Huz  and  Buz  (in  great 
spirits  at  finding  themselves  in  such  capital  quarters),  a  black 
Newfoundland  (answering  to  the  name  of  "  Nigger"),  a  couple  of 
Setters  (with  titles  from  the  heathen  mythology — "  Juno  "  and 
*'  Flora"),  a  ridiculous-looking,  bandy-legged  otter-hound  (called 
"  Gripper"),  a  wiry,  rat-catching  terrier  ("  Nipper"),  and  two 
silky-haired,  long-backed,  short-legged,  sharp-nosed,  bright-eyed, 
pepper-and-salt  Skye-terriers,  who  respectively  answered  to  the 
names  of  "  Whisky  "  and  "  Toddy,"  and  were  the  property  of 
the  Misses  Honeywood.  The  lordly  shepherds'  dogs,  whom  they 
encountered  on  their  journeys,  would  have  nothing  to  do  with 


THE  ADVENTUKES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GBEEN.        gl 

Much  a  medley  of  unruly  scamps,  but  turned  from  their  overtures 
of  friendship  with  patrician  disdain.     They  routed  up  rabbits; 


they  turned  out  hedgehogs ;  and,  at  their  approach,  they  made 
the  game  fly  with  a  WHIR-B-R-R-*-R-»  arranged  as  a  diminuendo. 

These  free-and-easy  equestrian  expeditions  were  not  only 
agreeable  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  feelings,  but  they  were  also 
useful  to  him  as -so  many  lessons  of  horsemanship,  and  so  greatly 
advanced  him  in  the  practice  of  that  nobles  science,  that  the 
admiring  Squire  one  day  said  to  him — "  I'll  tell  you  what,  Ver 
dant  !  before  we've  done  with  you,  we  shall  make  you  ride  like 
a  Shafto  !"  At  which  high  eulogium  Mr.  Verdant  Green  blushed, 
and  made  an  inward  resolution  that,  as  soon  as  he  had  returned 
home,  he  would  subscribe  to  the  Warwickshire  hounds,  and 
make  his  appearance  in  the  field. 

On  Sundays  the  Honeywood  party  usually  rode  and  drove  to 
the  church  of  a  small  market-town,  some  seven  or  eight  miles 
distant.  If  it  was  a  wet  day,  they  walked  to  the  ruined  church 
oi  Lasthope— the  place  Miss  Patty  was  sketching  when  disturbed 
by  Mr.  Roarer.  Lasthope  was  in  lay  hands  ;  and  its  lay  rector, 
who  lived  far  away,  had  so  little  care  for  the  edifice,  or  tho 
proper  conduct  of  divine  service,  that  he  allowed  the  one  to  cc 
tinue  in  its  ruins,  and  suffered  the  other  to  be  got  through  any 

11* 


22         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

how  or  not  at  all— just  as  it  happened.  Clergymen  were  engaged 
to  perform  the  service  (there  was  but  one  each  day)  at  the  lowest 
price  of  the  clerical  market.  Occasionally  it  was  announced,  in 
the  vernacular  of  the  district,  that  there  would  be  no  church, 
"  because  the  priest  had  gone  for  the  sea-bathing,"  or  because 
the  waters  were  out,  and  the  priest  could  not  get  across.  As  a 
matter  of  course,  in  consequence  of  the  uncertainty  of  finding 
any  one  to  perform  the  service  when  they  had  got  to  church,  and 
of  the  slovenly  way  in  which  the  service  was  scrambled  through 
when  they  had  got  a  clergyman  there,  the  congregation  generally 
preferred  attending  the  large  Presbyterian  meeting-house,  which 
WHS  about  two  miles  from  Lasthope.  Here,  at  any  rate,  they  met 
with  the  reverse  of  coldness  in  the  conduct  of  the  service. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  his  male  friends  strayed  there  one 
Sunday  for  curiosity's  sake,  and  found  a  minister  of  indefatig 
able  eloquence  and  enviable  power  of  lungs,  who  had  arrived  at 
such  a  pitch  of  heat,  from  the  combined  effects  of  the  weather 
and  his  own  exertions,  that  in  the  very  middle"  of  his  discourse— 
and  literally  in  the  heat  of  it — he  paused  to  divest  himself  of  his 
gown,  heavily  braided  with  serge  and  velvet,  and,  hanging  it  over 
the  side  of  the  pulpit  ("  the  pilput,"  his  congregation  called  it), 
mopped  his  head  with  his  handkerchief,  and  then  pursued  his 
theme  like  a  giant  refreshed.  At  this  stage  in  the  proceedings, 
little  Mr.  Bouncer  became  in  a  high  state  of  pleasurable  excite 
ment,  from  the  expectation  that  the  minister  would  next  divest 
himself  of  his  coat,  and  would  struggle  through  the  rest  of  his 
argument  in  his  shirt-sleeves  ;  but  Mr.  Bouncer's  improper 
wishes  were  not  gratified. 

The  sermon  was  so  extremely  metaphorical,  was  founded  on 
such  abstruse  passages,  and  was  delivered  in  so  broad  a  dialect, 
that  it  was  caviare  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  his  friends ;  but 
it  seemed  to  be  far  otherwise  with  the  attentive  and  crowded 
congregation,  who  relieved  their  minister  at  intervals  by  loud 
bursts  of  singing,  that  were  impressive  from  their  fervency 
though  not  particularly  harmonious  to  a  delicately-musical  ear. 
Near  to  the  close  of  the  service  there  was  a  collection,  which  in 
duced  Mr.  Bouncer  to  whisper  to  Verdant — as  an  axiom  deduced 
from  his  long  experience — that  "  you  never  come  to  a  strange 
place,  but  what  you  are  sure  to  drop  in  for  a  collection  ;"  but, 
on  finding  that  it  was  a  weekly  offering,  and  that  no  one  wag 
expected  to  give  more  than  a  copper,  the  little  gentleman  re 
lented,  and  cheerfully  dropped  a  piece  of  silver  into  the  wooden 
box.  It  was  astonishing  to  see  the  throngs  of  people,  that,  in 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  YERDANT  GREEN.         ftg 

«o  thinly  inhabited  a  district,  could  be  assembled  at  this  meeting, 
house.  Though  it  seemed  almost  incredible  •  to  our  midland- 
county  friends,  yet  not  a  few  of  these  poor,  simple,  earnest- 
minded  people  would  walk  from  a  distance  of  fifteen  miles, 
starting  at  an  early  hour,  coming  by  easy  stages,  and  bringing 
with  them  their  dinner,  so  as  to  enable  them  to  stay  for  the 
afternoon  service.  On  the  Sunday  mornings  the  red  cloaks  and 
grey  plaids  of  these  pious  men  and  women  might  be  seen  dotting 
the  green  hillsides,  and  slowly  moving  towards  the  gaunt  and 
grim  red  brick  meeting-house.  And  around  it,  on  great  occa 
sions,  were  tents  pitched  for  the  between-service  accommodation 
of  the  worshippers. 

Both  they  and  it  contrasted,  in  every  way,  with  the  ruined 
church  of  Lasthope,  whose  worship  seemed  also  to  have  pone  to 
ruin  with  the  uncared-for  edifice.  Its  aisles  had  tumbled  down, 
and  their  material  had  been  rudely  built  up  within  the  arches  of 
the  nave.  The  church  was  thus  converted  into  the  non-ecclesi 
astical  form  of  a  parallelogram,  and  was  fitted  up  with  the  very 
rudest  and  ugliest  of  deal  enclosures,  which  were  dignified  with 
the  name  of  pews,  but  ought  to  have  been  termed  pens. 

During  the  time  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  visit,  the  service  at 
ihis  ecclesiastical  ruin  was  performed  by  a  clergyman  who  had 
apparently  been  selected  for  the  duty  from  his  harmonious  resem 
blance  to  the  place ;  for  he  also  was  an  ecclesiastical  ruin — a 
schoolmaster  in  holy  orders,  who,  having  to  slave  hard  all  through 
the  working-days  of  the  week,  had  to  work  still  harder  on  the 
day  of  rest.  For,  first,  the  Ruin  had  to  ride  his  stumbling  old 
pony  a  distance  of  twelve  miles  (and  twelve  such  miles  !)  to  Last- 
hope,  where  he  stabled  it  (bringing  the  feed  of  corn  in  his  pocket, 
and  leading  it  to  drink  at  the  Swirl)  in  the  dilapidated  stable  of 
the  tumbled- down  rectory-house.  Then  he  had  to  get  through  the 
morning  service  without  any  loss  of  time,  to  enable  him  to  ride 
eight  miles  in  another  direction  (eating  his  sandwich  dinner  as 
he  went  along),  where  he  had  to  take  the  afternoon  duty  and 
occasional  services  at  a  second  church.  When  this  was  done,  he 
might  find  his  way  home  as  well  as  he  could,  and  enjoy  with  his 
family  as  much  of  the  day  of  rest  as  he  had  leisure  and  strength 
for.  The  stipend  that  the  Ruin  received  for  his  labours  was 
greatly  below  the  wages  given  to  a  butler  by  the  lay  rector,  who 
pocketed  a  very  nice  income  by  this  respectable  transaction. 
But  the  Butler  was  a  stately  edifice  in  perfect  repair,  both  out 
side  and  in,  so  far  as  clothes  and  food  went ;  and  the  Parson 
was  an  ill-conditioned  Ruin  left  to  moulder  away  in  an  obscurt 


24         THE  ADVENTUBES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN 

situation,  without  even  the  ivy  of  luxuriance  to  make  him  graceful 
and  picturesque. 

Mr.  Honey  wood's  family  were  the  only  '*  respectable  "  persons 
who  occasionally  attended  the  Ruin's  ministrations  in  Lasthope 
church.  The  other  people  who  made  up  the  scanty  congregation 
were  old  Andrew  Graham  and  his  children,  and  a  few  of  the 
poorer  sort  of  Honeybourn.  They  all  brought  their  dogs  with 
them  as  a  matter  of  course.  On  entering  the  church  the  men 
hung  up  their  bonnets  on  a  row  of  pegs  provided  for  that  pur 
pose,  and  fixed,  as  an  ecclesiastical  ornament,  along  the  western 
wall  of  the  church.  They  then  took  their  places  in  their  pens, 
accompanied  by  their  dogs,  who  usually  behaved  with  remarkable 
propriety,  and,  during  the  sermon,  set  their  masters  an  example 
of  watchfulness.  On  one  occasion  the  proceedings  were  inter 
rupted  by  a  rat  hunt;  the  dogs  gave  tongue,  arid  leaped  the 
pews  in  the  excitement  of  the  chase — their  masters  followed 
them  and  laid  about  them  with  their  sticks— and  when  with 
difficulty  order  had  been  restored,  the  service  was  proceeded 
with.  It  must  be  confessed  that  Mr.  Bouncer  was  so  badly  dis 
posed  as  to  wish  for  a  repetition  of  this  scene  ;  but  (happily)  he 
was  disappointed. 

The  choir  of  Lasthope  Church  was  centred  in  the  person  of 
the  clerk,  who  apparently  sang  tunes  of  his  own  composing,  in 
which  the  congregation  joined  at  their  discretion,  though  usually 
to  different  airs.  The  result  was  a  discordant  struggle,  through 
which  the  clerk  bravely  maintained  his  own  until  he  had  ex 
hausted  himself,  when  he  shut  up  his  book  and  sat  down,  and 
the  congregation  had  to  shut  up  also.  During  the  singing  the 
intelligence  of  the  dogs  was  displayed  in  their  giving  a  stifled 
'utterance  to  howls  of  anguish,  which  were  repeated  ad  Libitum 
throughout  the  hymn ;  but  as  this  was  a  customary  proceeding 
it  attracted  no  attention,  unless  a  dog  expressed  his  sufferings 
rnoro  loudly  than  was  wont,  when  he  received  a  clout  from  his 
master's  staff  that  silenced  him,  and  sent  him  under  the  pew- 
seat,  as  to  a  species  of. ecclesiastical  St.  Helena. 

Such  was  Lasthope  Church,  its  Ruin,  and  its  service ;  and,  as 
may  be  imagined  from  these  notes  which  the  veracious  historian 
has  thought  fit  to  chronicle,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  found  that  his 
Sundays  in  Northumberland  produced  as  much  novelty  as  tna 
week-dava. 


1HB  ADVENTUBES  OF  MB.  VEI&DANT  GBEEU, 


CHAPTER  IV. 

MB.  VERDANT  GREEN  ENDEAVOURS  TO  SAT  SNIP  TO  SOME  ONE*8 
SNAP. 

THERE  was  a  gate  in  the  kitchen-garden  of  Honeywood  Hall, 
that  led  into  an  orchard  ;  and  in.  this  orchard  there  was  a  certain 
apple-tree  that  had  assumed  one  of  those  peculiarities  of  form  to 
which  the  children  of  Pomona  are  addicted.  After  growing 
upright  for  about  a  foot  and  a  half,  it  had  suddenly  shot  out  at 
right  angles,  with  a  gentle  upward  slope  for  a  length  of  between 
three  and  four  feet,  and  had  then  again  struck  up  into  the  per 
pendicular.  It  thus  formed  a  natural  orchard  seat,  capable  of 
holding  two  persons  comfortably — provided  that  they  regarded  a 
close  proximity  as  comfortable  sitting. 

One  day  Miss  Patty  directed  Verdant's  attention  to  this  vagary 
of  nature.  "  This  is  one  of  my  favourite  haunts,"  she  said. 
"  I  often  steal  here  on  a  hot  day  with  some  work  or  a  book.  You 
see  this  upper  branch  makes  quite  a  little  table,  and  I  can  rest 
my  book  upon  it.  It  is  so  pleasant  to  be  under  the  shade  here, 
with  the  fruit  or  blossoms  over  one's  head  ;  and  it  is  so  snug  and 
retired,  and  out  of  the  way  of  every  one." 

"  It  is  very  snug — and  very  retired,"  said  Mr.  Verdant  Green; 
and  he  thought  that  now  would  be  the  very  time  to  put  in  execu 
tion  a  project  that  had  for  some  days  past  been  haunting  his  brain. 

"  When  Kitty  and  I,"  said  Miss  Patty,  "  have  any  secrets  we 
come  here  and  tell  them  to  each  other  while  we  sit  at  our  work. 
No  one  can  hear  what  we  say;  and  we  are  quite  snug  all  to  our 
selves." 

Very  odd,  thought  Verdant,  that  they  shorld  fix  on  this  parti 
cular  spot  for  confidential  communications,  and  take  the  trouble 
to  come  here  to  make  them,  when  they  could  do  so  in  their  own 
rooms  at  the  house.  And  yet  it  isn't  such  a  bad  spot  either. 

"  Try  how  comfortable  a  seat  it  is!"  said  Miss  Patty. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  began  to  feel  hot.  He  sat  down,  howovpr, 
and  tested  the  comforts  of  the  seat,  much  in  the  same  way  HS  lie 
would  try  the  spring  of  a  lounging  chair,  and  apparently  with  a 
like  result,  for  he  said,  "  Yes,  it  is  very  comfortable — very  con? 
fortable  indeed/' 


26         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN* 

'*  I  thought  you'd  like  it,"  said  Miss  Patty ;  "  and  you  see 
how  nicely  the  branches  droop  all  round :  they  make  it  quite  ac 
arbour.  If  Kitty  had  been  here  with  me  I  think  you  would  have 
had  some  trouble  to  have  found  us." 

*'  I  think  I  should ;  it  is  quite  a  place  to  hide  in,"  said  Ver« 
claiit.  But  the  young  lady  and  gentleman  must  have  been  speak 
ing  with  the  spirit  of  ostriches,  and  have  imagined  that,  when 
they  had  hidden  their  heads,  they  had  altogether  concealed  them 
selves  from  observation ;  for  the  branches  of  the  apple-tree  only 
drooped  low  enough  to  conceal  the  upper  part  of  their  figures, 
and  left  the  rest  exposed  to  view.  "  Won't  you  sit  down,  also  ?" 
asked  Verdant,  with  a  gasp  and  a  sensation  in  his  head  as 
though  he  had  been  drinking  champagne  too  freely. 

*'  I'm  afraid  there's  scarcely  room  for  me,"  pleaded  Miss  Patty. 

•'  Oh  yes,  there  is,  indeed  !  pray  sit  down." 

So  she  sat  down  on  the  lower  part  of  the  trunk.  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  glanced  rapidly  round  and  perceived  that  they  were  quite 
alone,  and  partly  shrouded  from  view.  The  following  highly 
interesting  conversation  then  took  place. 

He.    *'  Won't  you  change  places  with  me  ?  you'll  slip  off." 

She.  "  No — I  think  I  can  manage." 

He.    "  But  you  can  come  closer.*' 

She.  "  Thanks."     (She  comes  closer.) 

He.    "  Isn't  that  more  comfortable  ?" 

She.  "  Yes — very  much." 

He.  (Very  hot,  and  not  knowing  what  to  say  )— "  I— I  think 
you'll  slip !" 

She.  "  Oh  no  !  it's  very  comfortable  indeed." 

(That  is  to  say— thinks  Mr.  Verdant  Green — that  sitting  BY 
ME  is  very  comfortable.  Hurrah !) 

She.  "  It's  very  hot,  don't  you  think  ?" 

He.    "  How  very  odd  !     I  was  just  thinking  the  same." 

She.  "  I  think  I  shall  take  my  hat  off—it  is  so  warm.  Dear 
me  !  how  stupid ! — the  strings  are  in  a  knot." 

He.    "  Let  me  see  if  I  can  untie  them  for  you." 

She.  "  Thanks  !  no  !  I  can  manage."     (But  she  cannot.) 

He.    "  You'd  better  let  me  try !  now  do  S " 

She.  "  Oh,  thanks!  but  I'm  sorry  you  should  have  the  trouble.11 

He.    "  No  trouble  at  all.     Quite  a  pleasure." 

(In  a  very  hot  condition  of  mind  and  fingers,  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  then  endeavoured  to  release  the  strings  from  their  en 
tanglement.  But  all  in  vain :  he  tugged,  and  pulled,  and  only 
made  matters  worse.  Once  or  twice  in  the  struggle  his  handg 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEff.         Qf 

touched  Miss  Patty's  chin ;  and  no  highly-chargec  electrical 
machine  could  have  imparted  a  shock  greater  than  that  tingling 
sensation  of  pleasure  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green  experienced 
when  his  fingers,  for  the  fraction  of  a  second,  touched  Miss 
Patty's  soft  dimpled  chin.  Then  there  was  her  beautiful  neck, 
so  white,  and  with  such  blue  veins !  he  had  an  irresistible  desire 
to  stroke  it  for  its  very  smoothness — as  one  loves  to  feel  the 
polish  of  marble,  or  the  glaze  of  wedding-cards — instead  of  em 
ploying  his  hands  in  fumbling  at  the  brown  ribands,  whose  knots 
became  more  complicated  than  ever.  Then  there  was  her  happy 
rosy  face,  so  close  to  which  his  own  was  brought ;  and  her  bright, 
laughing,  hazel  eyes,  in  which,  as  he  timidly  looked  up,  he  saw 
little  daguerreotypes  of  himself.  Would  that  he  could  retain 
such  a  photographer  by  his  side  through  life !  Miss  Bouncer's 
camera  was  as  nothing  compared  with  the  camera  lucida  of  those 
clear  eyes,  that  shone  upon  him  so  truthfully,  and  mirrored  for 
him  such  pretty  pictures.  And  what  with  these  eyes,  and  the 
face,  and  the  chin,  and  the  neck,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  brought 
into  such  an  irretrievable  state  of  mental  excitement  that  he 
was  perfectly  unable  to  render  Miss  Patty  the  service  he  had 
proffered.  But,  more  than  that,  he  as  yet  lacked  sufficient 
courage  to  carry  out  his  darling  project. 

At  length  Miss  Patty  herself  untied  the  rebellious  knot,  and 
took  off  her  hat.  The  highly  interesting  conversation  was  then 
resumed. 

She.  "  What  a  frightful  state  my  hair  is  in  !  "  (Loops  up  an 
escaped  lock.)  "  You  must  think  me  so  untidy.  But  out  in  the 
country,  and  in  a  place  like  this  where  no  one  sees  us,  it  makes 
one  careless  of  appearance." 

He.  "  I  like  'a  sweet  neglect,'  especially  in — in  some  people; 
it  suits  them  so  well.  I — 'pon  my  word,  it's  very  hot !" 

She.  "  But  how  much  hotter  it  must  be  from  under  the  shade. 
It  is  so  pleasant  here.  It  seems  so  dreamlike  to  sit  among  the 
shadows  and  look  out  upon  the  bright  landscape." 

He.  *•  It  is — very  jolly — soothing,  at  least !"  (A  pause.)  "I  think 
you'll  slip.  Do  you  know,  I  think  it  will  be  safer  if  you  will 
let  me"  (here  his  courage  fails  him.  He  endeavours  to  say  put  my 
arm  round  your  waist,  but  his  tongue  refuses  to  speak  the  words ; 
so  he  substitutes)  "  change  places  with  you." 

She.  (Rises,  with  a  look  of  amused  vexation.)  "  Certainly !  if  you 
60  particularly  wish  it."  (They  change  places.)  "  Now,  you  see,  you 
have  lost  by  the  change.  You  are  too  tall  for  that  end  of  the  seat, 
and  it  did  very  nicely  for  a  little  body  like  me." 


38         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN 

He.  ( With  a  thrill  of  delight  and  a  sudden  burst  of  strategy.} 
*'  I  can  hold  on  to  this  branch,  if  my  arm  will  not  inconvenience 
you." 

She.  "  Oh  no  !  not  particularly :  "  (he  passes  his  right  arm  be 
hind  her,  and  takes  hold  of  a  bough  :)  "but  I  should  think  it's  not 
very  comfortable  for  you." 

He.  "  I  couldn't  be  more  comfortable,  I'm  sure."  (Nearly 
slips  off  the  tree,  and  doubles  up  his  legs  into  an  unpicturesque 
attitude  highly  suggestive  of  misery. — A  pause.)  "  And  do  you 
tell  your  secrets  here  ?" 

She.  "  My  secrets?  Oh,  I  see— you  mean,  with  Kitty.  Oh,  yes! 
_  %*kvrw  ^s^-r^^  if  this  tree  could 

>»-XlCl  >& 

\£f  ^ 


talk,  it  would  be 
able  to  tell  such 
dreadful  stories." 
He.  "  I  won 
der  if  it  could 
tell  any  dreadful 
stories  of— me?" 
She.  "Of  you? 
Oh,  no!  Why 
should  it  ?  We 
are  only  severe 
on  those  we  dis 
like." 

He.  « Then 
you  don't  dislike 
me?" 

She.  "No  I— 
why  should  we?" 
He.  "Well^ 
I  don't  know- 
but  I  thought  you 
might.  Well, I'm 
glad  of  that  — 

I'm  very  glad  of  that.     Ton  my  word,  it's  very  hot !  don't  you 
think  so?" 

She.  "  Yes  !  I'm  burning.  But  I  don't  think  we  should  find 
a  cooler  place."  (Does  not  evince  any  symptoms  of  moving.') 

He.  "  Well,  p'raps  we  shouldn't."  (A  pause.)  "Do  you  know 
that  I'm  very  glad  you  don't  dislike  me  ;  because,  it  wouldn't 
have  been  pleasant  to  be  disliked  by  you,  would  it  ?" 

She.  "Well — of  course,  I  can't  tell.  It  depends  upon  ones 
own  ieeliugs." 


THE  ADVENTUKES  OF  MK.  VERDANT  GREEN.         29 

He.  "  Then  you  don't  dislike  me  ?" 
She.  "  Oh  dear,  no  !  why  should  I  ?" 
He.  "  And  if  you  don't  dislike  me,  you  must  like  me?* 
She.  "  Yes — at  least — yes,  I  suppose  so." 
At  this  stage  of  the  proceedings,  the  arm  that  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  had  passed  behind  Miss  Patty  thrilled  with  such  a  pecu 
liar  sensation  that  his  hand  slipped  down  the  bough,  and  the 
arm  consequently  came  against  Miss    Patty's  waist,  where  it 
rested.     The  necessity  for  saying  something,  the  wish  to  make 
that  something  the  something  that  was  bursting  his  heart  and 
brain,  and  the  dread  of  letting  it  escape  his  lips — these  three 
varied  and  mingled  sensations  so  distracted  poor  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  mind,  that  he  was  no  more  conscious  of  what  he  was 
giving  utterance  to  than  if  he  had  been  talking  in  a  dream.     But 
there  was  Miss  Patty  by  his  side — a  very  tangible  and  delightful 
reality — playing    (somewhat    nervously)   with    those    rebellious 
strings  of  her  hat,  which  loosely  hung  in  her  hand,  while  the 
dappled   shadows  flickered  on  the  waving  masses  of  her  rich 
brown  hair, — so  something  must  be  said;  and,  if  it  should  lead 
to  the  something,  why,  so  much  the  better. 

Returning,  therefore,  to  the  subject  of  like  and  dislike,  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  managed  to  say,  in  a  choking,  faltering  tone, "  I 
wonder  how  much  you  like  me — very  much  ?" 

She.  "  Oh,  I  couldn't  tell— how  should  I  ?  What  strange  ques 
tions  you  ask !  You  saved  my  life ;  so,  of  course,  I  am  very,  very 
grateful ;  and  I  hope  I  shall  always  be  your  friend." 

He.  "  Yes,  I  hope  so  indeed—always— and  something  more. 
Do  you  hope  the  same  ?" 

She.  "  What  do  you  mean  ?  Hadn't  we  better  go  back  to  the 
house  ?" 

He.     "  Not  just  yet — it's  so  cool  here — at  least,  not   cool 
exactly,  but  hot — pleasanter,  that   is — much   pleasanter    here. 
You  said  so,  you  know,  a  little  while  since.     Don't  mind  me  ;  I 
always  feel  hot  when — when  I'm  out  of  doors." 
She.  u  Then  we'd  better  go  indoors." 
He.  "  Pray  don't— not  yet— do  stop  a  little  longer." 
And  the  hand  that  had  been  on  the  bough  of  the  tree,  timidly 
seized  Miss  Patty's  arm,  and  then  naturally,  but  very  gently, 
fell  upon  her  waist.     A  thrill  shot  through  Mr.  Verdant  Green, 
like  an  electric  flash,  and,  after  traversing  from  his  head  t 
heels,  probably  passed  out  safely  at  his  boots— for  it  did  him  u< 
harm,  but,  on  the  contrary,  made  him  feel  all  the  better. 

"  But,"  said  the  young  lady,  as  she  felt  the  hand  upon 
waist— not  that  she  was  really  displeased  at  the  proceeding,  but 


30         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

perhaps  she  thought  it  best,  under  the  circumstances,  to  say 
something  that  should  have  the  resemblance  of  a  veto — •'  but 
it  is  not  necessary  to  hold  me  a  prisoner." 

"  It's  you  that  hold  me  a  prisoner !"  said  Mr.  Verdant  Green, 
with  a  sudden  burst  of  enthusiasm  and  blushes,  and  a  great  stress 
upon  the  pronouns. 

"  Now  you  are  talking  nonsense,  and,  if  so,  I  must  go  !"  said 
Miss  Patty.  And  she  also  blushed  ;  perhaps  it  was  from  the 
heat.  But  she  removed  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  hand  from  her 
ivaist,  and  he  was  much  too  frightened  to  replace  it. 

"  Oh  !  do  stay  a  little !"  gasped  the  young  gentleman,  with  an 
awkward  sensation  of  want  of  employment  for  his  hands.  "  You 
said  that  secrets  were  told  here.  I  don't  want  to  talk  nonsense ; 
I  don't  indeed ;  but  the  truth.  I've  a  secret  to  tell  you.  Should 
you  like  to  hear  it?" 

"  Oh  yes  !"  laughed  Miss  Patty.     "  I  like  to  hear  secrets." 

Now,  how  very  absurd  it  was  in  Mr.  Verdant  Green  wasting 
time  in  beating  about  the  bush  in  this  ridiculously  timid  way  ! 
Why  could  he  not  at  once  boldly  secure  his  bird  by  a  straight 
forward  shot  ?  She  did  not  fly  out  of  his  range — did  she  ?  And 
yet,  here  «he  was  making  himself  unnecessarily  hot  and  uncom 
fortable,  when  he  might,  by  taking  it  coolly,  have  been  at  his  ease 
in  a  moment.  What  a  foolish  young  man !  Nay,  he  still  fur 
ther  lost  time  and  evaded  his  purpose,  by  saying  once  again 
to  Miss  Patty — instead  of  immediately  replying  to  her  observa 
tion — "  'Pon  my  word,  it's  uncommonly  hot!  don't  you  think 

80?" 

Upon  which  Miss  Patty  replied,  with  some  little  chagrin, 
"  And  was  that  your  secret  ?"•  If  she  had  lived  in  the  Elizabethan 
era  she  could  have  adjured  him  with  a  "  Marry,  come  up !" 
which  would  have  brought  him  to  the  point  without  any  further 
trouble ;  but  living  in  a  Victorian  age,  she  could  do  no  more 
than  say  what  she  did,  and  leave  the  rest  of  her  meaning  to  the 
language  of  the  eyes. 

"Don't  laugh  at  me!"  urged  the  bashful  and  weak-minded 
young  man  ;  '*  don't  laugh  at  me !  If  you  only  knew  what  I 
feel  when  you  laugh  at  me,  you'd  " 

"  Cry,  I  dare  say !"  said  Miss  Patty,  cutting  him  short  with  a 
merry  smile,  and  (it  must  be  confessed)  a  most  wickedly-roguish 
expression  about  those  bright  flashing  hazel  eyes  of  hers.  "  Now, 
you  haven't  told  me  this  wonderful  secret !" 

"Why,"  said  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  slowly  and  deliberately — • 
feeling  that  his  time  was  coming  on,  and  cowardly  anxious  still 


THE  ADVENTURES  OP  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN 


81 


to  fight  off  the  fatal  words — "  yod  said  that  you  didn't  dislike 
me  ;  and,  in  fact,  that  you  liked  me  very  much  ;  and  " 

But  here  Miss  Patty  cut  him  short  again.  She  turned  sharply 
round  upon  him,  with  those  bright  eyes  and  that  merry  face,  and 
said,  "  Oh  !  how  can  you  say  so  ?  I  never  said  anything  of  the 
sort !" 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who  was  now  desperate, 
and  mentally  prepared  to  take  the  dreaded  plurge  into  that 
throbbing  sea  that  beats  upon  the  strand  of  matrimony,  *'  whether 
you  like  me  very 
much  or  not,  / 
like  you  very 
much  !  —  very 
much  indeed ! 
Ever  since  I  saw 
you,  since  last 
Christmas,  I've 
—I've  liked  you 
— very  much  in 
deed." 

Mr.  Verdant 
Green,  in  a  very 
hot  and  excited 
state,  had,  while 
he  was  speaking, 
tknidly  brought 
his  hand  once 
more  to  Miss 
Patty's  waist  ; 
and  she  did  not 
interfere  with  its 
position.  In  fact, 
she  was  bending 
down  her  head,  and  was  gazing  intently  on  another  knot  that  she 
had  wilfully  made  in  her  hat-strings ;  and  she  was  working  so 
violently  at  that  occupation  of  untying  the  knot,  that  very  pro 
bably  she  might  not  have  been  aware  of  the  situation, of  Mr. 
Verdant  Green's  hand.  At  any  rate,  her  own  hands  were  too 
much  busied  to  suffer  her  to  interfere  with  his. 

At  last  the  climax  had  arrived.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had 
gcrewed  his  courage  to  the  sticking  point,  and  had  resolved  to 
tell  the  secret  of  his  love.  He  had  got  to  the  very  edge  of  the 
precipice,  and  was  on  the  point  of  jumping  over  head  and  ears 


82         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VEEDANT  GKEEN. 

into  the  stream  of  his  destiny,  and  of  bursting  into  any  excited 
form  of  words  that  should  make  known  his  affection  and  his  de 
signs,  when when  a  vile  perfume  of  tobacco,  a  sudden  bark 
ing  rush  of  Huz  and  Buz,  and  the  horrid  voice  of  little  Mr 
Bouncer,  dispelled  the  bright  vision,  dispersed  his  ideas,  and  pre 
vented  the  fulfilment  of  his  purpose. 

"  Holloa,  Giglamps !"  roared  the  little  gentleman,  as  he  re- 
aaoved  a  short  pipe  from  his  mouth,  and  expelled  an  ascending 
cur)  of  smoke ;  "  I've  been  looking  for  you  everywhere !  Here 
we  are, — as  Hamlet's  uncle  said, — all  in  the  horchard !  I  hope 
he's  not  been  pouring  poison  in  your  ear,  Miss  Honey  wood ;  he 
looks  rather  guilty.  The  Mum — I  mean  your  mother — sent  me 
to  find  you.  The  luncheon's  been  on  the  table  more  than  an 
hour !" 

Luckily  for  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Miss  Patty  Honeywood, 
little  Mr.  Bouncer  rattled  on  without  waiting  for  any  reply  to 
his  observations,  and  thus  enabled  the  young  lady  to  somewhat 
recover  her  presence  of  mind,  and  to  effect  a  hasty  retreat  from 
under  the  apple  tree,  and  through  the  garden  gate. 

"  I  say,  old  feller,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he  criticised  Mr. 
Verdant  Green's  countenance  over  the  bowl  of  his  pipe,  "you 
look  rather  in  a  stew  !  What's  up?  My  gum  !"  cried  the  little 
gentleman,  as  an  idea  of  the  truth  suddenly  flashed  upon  him ; 
"  you  don't  mean  to  say  you've  been  doing  the  spooney — what 
you  call  making  love — have  you?" 

"  Oh  !"  groaned  the  person  addressed,  as  he  followed  out  the 
train  of  his  own  ideas  ;  "  if  you  had  but  have  come  five  minutes 
later — or  not  at  all !  It's  most  provoking !" 

"Well!  you're  a  grateful  bird,  I  don't  think!"  said  Mr. 
Bouncer.  "  Cut  after  her  into  luncheon,  and  have  it  out  over 
the  cold  mutton  and  pickles !" 

"  Oh  no  !"  responded  the  luckless  lover  ;  "  I  can't  eat — espe 
cially  before  the  others !  I  mean — I  couldn't  talk  to  her  before 
the  others.  Oh !  I  don't  know  what  I'm  saying." 

"  Well,  I  don't  think  you  do,  old  feller!"  said  Mr.  Bouncer, 
puffing  away  at  his  pipe.  *'  I'm  sorry  I  was  in  the  road,  though  1 
because,  though  I  fight  •'hy  of  those  sort  of  things  myself,  yet  I 
don't  want  to  interfere  with  the  little  weaknesses  of  other  folks. 
But  come  and  have  a  pipe,  old  feller,  and  we'll  talk  matters  over, 
and  see  what  pips  are  on  the  cards,  and  what's  the  state  of  the 
game." 

Now,  a  pipe  was  Mr.  Bouncer's  panacea  for  every  kind  of  in 
disposition,  both  mental  and  bodily. 


ADVJEMXUBE3  OF  MB.  VEKDANT  GREEff, 


CHAPTER  V. 

MB.  VERDANT  GREEN  MEETS  WITH  THE  GREEN-EYED  MONSTEB. 


had    freque*!, 

been  made  by  the  mem 
bers  of  the  Honey  wood 
family,  but  more  espe 
cially  by  Miss  Patty,  of  a 
cousin  —  a  male  cousin— 
to  whom  they  all  seemed 
to  be  exceedingly  partial 
—  far  more  partial,  as  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  thought, 
with  regard  to  Miss  Patty, 
than  he  would  have 

wished  her  to  have  been.  This  cousin  was  Mr.  Frank  Delaval,  a 
son  of  their  father's  sister.  According  to  their  description,  he 
possessed  good  looks,  and  an  equivalently  good  fortune,  with  all 
sorts  of  accomplishments,  both  useful  and  ornamental  ;  and  was, 
in  short  (in  their  eyes  at  least),  a  very  admirable  Crichton  of  the 
nineteenth  century. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  heard  from  Miss  Patty  so  much  of 
her  cousin  Firank,  and  of  the  pleasure  they  were  anticipating  from 
a  visit  he  had  promised  shortly  to  make  to  them,  that  he  had  at 
length  begun  to  suspect  that  the  young  lady's  maiden  meditations 
were  not  altogether  "  fancy  free,"  and  that  her  thoughts  dwelt 
upon  this  handsome  cousin  far  more  than  was  palatable  to  Mr. 
Verdant  Green's  feelings.  In  the  most  unreasonable  manner, 
therefore,  he  conceived  a  violent  antipathy  to  Mr.  Frank  Delaval, 
even  before  he  had  set  eyes  upon  him,  and  considered  that  the 
Honeywood  family  had,  one  and  all,  greatly  overrated  him.  But 
these  suppositions  and  suspicions  made  him  doubly  anxious  to 
come  to  an  understanding  with  Miss  Patty  before  the  arrival  of 
the  dreaded  Adonib  and  it  was  this  thought  that  had  helped  to 
nerve  him  through  the  terrors  of  the  orchard  scene,  and  which, 
but  for  Mr.  Bouncer's  malapropos  intrusion,  would  have  brought 
things  to  a  crisis. 

However,  after  he  had  had  a  talk  with  Mr.  Bouncer,  and  had 


84         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  QEEE3I. 

been  fortified  by  that  little  gentleman's  pithy  admonitions  to  "go 
in  and  win,"  and  to  **  strike  while  the  iron's  hot,"  and  that  '*  faint 
heart  never  won  a  nice  young  'ooman,"  he  determined  to  seek 
out  Miss  Patty  at  once,  and  bring  to  an  end  their  unfinished 
conversation.  For  this  purpose  he  returned  to  the  hall,  where 
he  found  a  great  commotion,  and  a  carriage  at  the  door ;  and  out 
of  the  carriage  jumped  a  handsome  young  man,  with  a  black  mous 
tache,  who  ran  up  to  the  open  hall -door  (where  Miss  Patty  waa 
standing  with  her  sister),  seized  Miss  Kitty  by  the  hand,  and 
placed  his  moustache  under  her  nose,  and  then  seized  Miss 
Patty  by  her  hand,  and  removed  the  moustache  to  beneath  her 
nose!  And  all  this  unblushingly  and  as  a  matter  of  course,  out 
in  the  sunshino,  and  before  the  servants !  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
retreated  without  having  been  seen,  and,  plunging  into  the  shrub 
bery,  told  his  woes  to  the  evergreens,  and  while  he  -listened  to 

"  The  dry-tongued  laurel's  pattering  talk," 

he  thought,  "  It  is  as  I  feared !  I  am  nothing  more  to  her  than 
a  simple  friend."  Though,  why  he  so  morosely  arrived  at  this 
idea  it  would  be  hard  to  say.  Perhaps  other  jealous  lovers  have 
been  similarly  unreasonable  and  unreasoning  in  their  conclusions, 
and,  oi  their  own  accord,  run  to  the  dark  side  of  the  cloud,  when 
they  might  have  pleasantly  remained  within  its  silver  lining. 

But  when  Frank  Delaval  had  been  seen,  and  heard,  and  made 
acquaintance  with,  Verdant,  who  was  much  too  simple-hearted  to 
dislike  any  one  without  just  grounds  for  so  doing,  entered  (even 
after  half  an  hour's  knowledge)  into  the  band  of  his  admirers; 
and  that  same  evening,  in  the  drawing-room,  while  Miss  Kitty- 
was  playing  one  of  SchulhofFs  mazurkas,  with  her  monstached 
cousin  standing  by  her  side,  and  turning  over  the  music-leaves, 
Verdant  privately  declared,  over  a  chess-board,  to  Miss  Patty, 
that  Mr.  Frank  Delaval  was  the  handsomest  and  most  delightful 
man  he  had  ever  met.  And  v;hen  Miss  Patty's  eyes  sparkled  at 
this  proof  of  his  truth  and  disinterestedness,  Verdant  mistook 
the  bright  signals ;  and  further  misconstruing  the  cause  why  (as 
they  continued  to  speak  of  her  cousin)  she  made  a  most  egre 
gious  blunder,  that  caused  her  opponent  to  pronounce  the  word 
"  Mated  !"  he  regarded  it  as  a  fatal  omen,  more  especially  as 
Mr.  Frank  came  to  her  side  at  that  very  moment ;  and  when  the 
young  lady  laughed,  and  said,  "  What  a  goose  I  am  !  whatever 
could  I  have  been  thinking  of?"  he  thought  within  himself  (per 
sisting  in  his  illogical  and  perverse  conclusions),  "It  is  very 
plain  what  she  is  thinking  about !  I  was  afraid  that  she  loved 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN.         85 

him,  and  now  I  know  it."  So  he  put  up  the  chess-men,  while 
she  went  to  the  piano  with  her  cousin ;  and  he  even  wished  that 
Mr.  Bouncer  had  interrupted  their  apple-tree  conversation  at 


its  commencement ;  but  was  thankful  to  him  for  coming  in  time 
to  save  him  from  the  pain  of  being  rejected  in  favour  of  another 
Then,  in  five  minutes,  he  changed  his  mind,  and  had  decide( 
that  it  would  have  spared  him  much  .misery  if  he  could  have 
heard  his  fate  from  his  Patty's  own  lips.  Then  he  wished  that 
he  had  never  come  to  Northumberland  at  all,  and  began  to  think 
how  he  should  spend  his  time  in  the  purgatory  that  Honeywood 
Hall  would  now  be  to  him. 

When  they  separated  for  the  night,  HE  again  placed  his  mous 
tnche  beneath  HER  nose.     Mr.  Verdant  Green  turned  away  b 
head  at  such  a  sickly  exhibition.     It  was  a  presumption  upo 
cousinship.      Charles  Larkyns  did  not  kiss  her;  and  he 
equally  as  much  her  cousin  as  Frank  Delaval. 

And  yet,  when  the  young  men  went  into  the  back  kite! 
a  pipe  and  a  chat  before  going  to  bed,  Verdant  was  so  delignt 


36         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

with  that  handsome  cousin  Frank,  that  he  thought,  "  If  I  was  a 
girl,  I  should  think  as  she  does." 

"And  why  should  she  not  love  him?"  meditated  the  pool 
fellow,  when  he  was  tying  awake  in  his  bed  that  self-same  night, 
rendered  sleepless  by  the  pain  of  his  new  wound ;  "  why  should 
she  not  love  him  ?  how  could  she  do  otherwise  ?  thrown  together 
as  they  have  been  from  children — speaking  to  each  other  as 
'  Patty '  and  '  Fred  * — kissing  each  other — and  being  as  brother 
and  sister.  Would  that  they  were  so  !  How  he  kept  near  her 
all  the  evening — coming  to  her  even  when  she  was  playing 
chess  with  me,  then  singing  with  her,  and  playing  her  accompa 
niments.  She  said  that  no  one  could  play  her  accompaniments 
like  he  could — he  had  such  good  taste,  and  such  a  firm,  delicate 
touch.  Then,  when  they  talked  about  sketching,  she  said  how 
she  had  missed  him,  and  that  she  had  been  reserving  the  view 
from  Brankham  Law,  in  order  that  they  might  sketch  it  together. 
Then  he  showed  her  his  last  drawings — and  they  were  beautiful. 
What  can  I  do  against  this  ?"  groaned  poor  Verdant,  from  under 
the  bed-clothes;  "he  has  accomplishments,  and  I  have  none; 
he  has  good  looks,  and  I  haven't ;  he  has  a  moustache  and  a  pair 
of  whiskers, — and  I  have  only  a  pair  of  spectacles !  I  cannot 
shine  in  society,  and  win  admiration,  like  he  does  ;  I  have  no 
thing  to  offer  her  but  my  love.  Lucky  fellow  !  he  is  worthier  of 
her  than  I  am — and  I  hope  they  will  be  very  happy."  At  which 
thought,  Verdant  felt  highly  the  reverse,  and  went  off  into  dis 
mal  dreams. 

In  the  morning,  when  Miss  Patty  and  her  cousin  were  setting 
out  for  the  hill  called  Brankham  Law,  Verdant,  who  had  re 
treated  to  a  garden-seat  beneath  a  fine  old  cedar,  was  roused 
from  a  very  abstracted  perusal  of  "  The  Dream  of  Fair  Women," 
by  th/3  apparition  of  one  who,  in  his  eyes,  was  fairer  than  them 
all. 

"  I  have  been  searching  for  you  everywhere,"  said  Miss  Patty. 
*'  Mamma  said  that  you  were  not  riding  with  the  others,  so  I 
knew  that  you  must  be  somewhere  about.  I  think  I  shall  lock 
up  my  Tennyson,  if  it  takes  you  so  much  out  of  our  society. 
Won't  you  come  up  Brankham  Law  with  Frank  and  me  ?" 

"  Willingly  if  you  wish  it,"  answered  Verdant,  though  with  an 
unwilling  air  ;  "  but  of  what  use  can  I  be  ?  Othello's  occupation 
is  gone.  Your  cousin  can  fill  my  place  much  better  than  if  I 
were  there." 

"  How  very  ungrateful  you  are !"  said  Miss  Patty ;  "  you  really 
deserve  a  good  scolding  !  I  allow  you  to  watch  me  when  I  an 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.         87 

painting,  in  order  that  you  may  gain  a  lesson,  and  just  \vhen  you 
are  beginning  to  learn  something,  then  you  give  up.  But,  at 
any  rate,  take  Fred  for  your  master,  and  come  and  watch  him  ; 
he  can  draw.  If  you  were  to  go  to  any  of  the  great  men  to  have 
a  lesson  of  them,  all  that  they  would  do  would  be  to  paint  before 
you,  and  leave  you  to  look  on  and  pick  up  what  knowledge  you 
could.  I  know  that  I  cannot  draw  anything  worth  looking 
at,-" 

"  Indeed,  but  " 

"  But  Fred,"  continued  Miss  Patty,  who  -was  going  at  too 
great  a  pace  to  be  stopped,  "  but  Fred  is  as  good  as  many  mas 
ters  that  you  would  meet  with ;  so  it  will  be  an  advantage  to 
you  to  come  and  look  over  him." 

"  I  think  I  should  prefer  to  look  over  you." 

"  Now  you  are  paying  compliments,  and  I  don't  like  them. 
But,  if  you  will  come,  you  will  really  be  useful.  You  see  I  am 
mercenary  in  my  wishes,  after  all.  Here  is  Fred  with  a  load  of 
sketching  materials  ;  won't  you  take  pity  on  him,  and  relieve 
him  of  my  share  of  his  burden  ?" 

If  I  could  take  you  off  his  hands,  thought  Verdant,  I  should 
be  better  pleased.  But  Miss  Patty  won  the  day ;  and  Verdant 
took  possession  of  her  sketching-block  and  drawing  materials,  and 
set  off  with  them  to  Brankham  Law. 

Frederick  Delaval  was  a  yachtsman,  and  owner  of  the  Fleur* 
de-lys,  a  cutter  yacht,  of  fifty  tons.  Besides  being  inclined  to 
amateur  nautical  pursuits,  he  was  also  partial  to  an  amateur 
nautical  costume ;  and  he  further  dressed  the  character  of  a 
yachtsman  by  slinging  round  him  his  telescope,  which  was  pro 
tected  from  storms  and  salt  water  by  a  leathern  case.  This  tele 
scope  was,  in  a  moment,  uncased  and  brought  to  bear  upon  every 
body  and  everything,  at  every  opportunity,  in  proper  nautical 
fashion,  being  used  by  him  for  distant  objects  as  other  people 
would  use  an  eyeglass  for  nearer  things.  And  no  sooner  had 
they  arrived  at  the  grassy  plateau  that  marked  the  summit  of 
Brankham  Law,  than  the  telescope  was  unslung,  and  its  proprie 
tor  swept  the  horizon — for  there  was  a  distant  view  of  the 
ocean — in  search  of  the  Fleur-de-lys. 

"I  am  afraid,"  he  said,  "  that  we  shall  not  be  able  to  make 
her  out ;  the  distance  is  almost  too  great  to  distinguish  her  from 
other  vessels,  although  the  whiteness  of  her  sails  would  assist  us 
to  a  recognition.  If  the  skipper  got  under  way  at  the  hour  I 
told  him,  he  ought  about  this  time  to  be  rounding  the  headland 
that  you  see  stretching  out  yonder." 

12 


88          THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

"  I  think  I  see  a  white  sail  in  that  direction, "said  Miss  Patty 
as  she  shaded  her  eyes  with  her  hand,  and  looked  out  earnestly 
in  the  required  quarter. 

"  My  dear  Patty,"  laughed  her  cousin,  "  if  you  knew  anything 
of  nautical  matters,  you  would  see  that  it  was  not  a  cutter  yacht, 
for  she  has  more  than  one  mast ;  though,  certainly,  as  you  saw 
her,  she  seemed  to  have  but  one,  for  she  was  just  coming  about, 
and  was  in  stays." 

"  In  stays  !"  exclaimed  Miss  Patty;  "  why  what  singular  ex 
pressions  you  sailors  have !" 

"  Oh  yes  !"  said  Frederick  Delaval,  "  and  some  vessels  have 
waists— like  young  ladies.  But  now  I  think  I  see  the  Fleur-do> 


lys  f  that  gaff  tops!  yard  was  never  carried  by  a  coasting 

To  be  sure  it  is !  the  skipper  knows  how  to  handle  her ;  and,  if 

the  breeze  holds,  she  will  soon  reach  her  port.     Come  and  have  a 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.        39 

look  at  her,  Patty,  while  I  rest  the  glass  for  you/  So  he 
balanced  it  on  his  shoulder,  while  Miss  Patty  looked  through 
it  with  her  one  eye,  and  placed  her  fingers  upon  the  other- 
after  the  manner  of  young  ladies  when  they  look  through  a  tele- 
Bcope ;  and  then  burst  into  such  animated,  but  not  thoughtful 
observations,  as  "  Oh !  I  can  see  it  quite  plainly.  Oh  !  it  is 
rolling  about  so  !  Oh  !  there  are  two  little  men  in  it  !  Oh ! 
one  of  them's  pulling  a  rope  !  Oh  !  it  all  seems  to  be  brought  so 
near !"  as  if  there  had  been  some  doubt  on  the  matter,  and  she 
had  expected  the  telescope  to  make  things  invisible.  Miss  Patty 
was  quite  in  childish  delight  at  watching  the  Fleur-de-lys  move 
ments,  and  seemed  to  forget  all  about  the  proposed  sketch, 
although  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  found  her  a  comfortable  rock 
seat,  and  had  placed  her  drawing  materials  ready  for  use. 

"How  happy  and  confiding  they  are!"  he  thought,  as  he 
gazed  upon  them  thus  standing  together ;  "  they  seem  to  be 
made  for  each  other.  He  is  far  more  fitted  for  her  than  I  am. 
I  wonder  if  I  shall  ever  see  them  after  they  are — married.  7  shall 
never  be  married."  And,  after  this  morbid  fashion,  the  young 
gentleman  took  a  melancholy  pleasure  in  arranging  his  future. 

It  was  about  this  time  that  the  divine  afflatus — which  had 
lain  almost  dormant  since  his  boyish  "  Address  to  the  Moon"— 
was  again  manifested  in  him  by  the  production  of  numberless 
poetical  effusions,  in  which  his  own  poignant  anguish  and  Miss 
Patty's  incomparable  attractions  were  brought  forward  in  verses 
of  various  degrees  of  mediocrity.  They  were  also  equally  varied 
in  their  style  and  treatment  ;  one  being  written  in  a  fierce  and 
gloomy  Byronic  strain,  while  another  followed  the  lighter 
childish  style  of  Wordsworth.  To  this  latter  class,  perhaps, 
belonged  the  following  lines,  which,  having  accidentally  fallen 
into  the  hands  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  were  pronounced  by  him  to  be 
"no  end  good!  first-rate  fun!"  for  the  little  gentleman  put  a 
highly  erroneous  construction  upon  them,  and,  to  the  great 
laceration  of  the  author's  feelings,  imagined  them  to  be  alto 
gether  of  a  comic  tendency.  But,  when  Mr.  Verdant  Greet 
wrote  them,  he  probably  thought  that  "  deep  meaning  lieth  oft  ia 
childish  play :" — 

«*  Pretty  Patty  Honeywood, 

Fresh,  and  fair,  and  plump, 
Into  your  affections 

I  should  like  to  jump ! 
Into  your  good  graces 

I  should  like  to  steal | 
That  you  lov'd  me  truly 

I  should  like  to  feel. 


40         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

"  Pretty  Patty  Honey  wood, 

You  can  little  know 
How  my  sea  of  passion 

Unto  you  doth  flow ; 
How  it  ever  hastens, 

With  a  swelling  tide, 
To  its  strand  of  happiness 

At  thy  darling  side. 

**  Pretty  Patty  Honeywood, 

Would  that  you  and  I 
Could  ask  the  surpliced  parson 

Our  wedding  knot  to  tie ! 
Oh !  my  life  of  sunshine 

Then  would  be  begun, 
Pretty  Patty  Honeywood, 

When  you  and  I  were  one." 

But  by  far  his  greatest  poetical  achievement  was  his  "  Legend 
of  the  Fair  Margaret,"  written  in  Spenserian  metre,  and  com 
menced  at  this  period  of  his  career,  though  never  completed. 
The  plot  was  of  the  most  dismal  and  intricate  kind.  The  Fair 
Margaret  was  beloved  by  two  young  men,  one  of  whom  (Sir 
Frederico)  was  dark,  and  (necessarily,  therefore)  as  badly  disposed 
a  young  man  as  you  would  desire  to  keep  out  of  your  family 
circle,  and  the  other  (Sir  Verdour)  was  light,  and  (consequently) 
as  mild  and  amiable  as  any  given  number  of  maiden  aunts  could 
wish.  As  a  matter  of  course,  therefore,  the  Fair  Margaret  per 
versely  preferred  the  dark  Sir  Frederico,  who  had  poisoned  her 
ears,  and  told  her  the  most  abominable  falsehoods  about  the  good 
and  innocent  Sir  Verdour;  when  just  as  Sir  Frederico  was  about 
to  forcibly  carry  away  the  Fair  Margaret — 

Why,  just  then,  circumstances  over  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
had  no  control,  prevented  the  denouement,  and  the  completion 
of  "  the  Legend.'' 


i» 


ADVENTURES  OP  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


41 


CHAPTER  VI. 

VERDANT  GREEN  JOINS  A  NORTHUMBERLAND  PIC-NIC. 

10ME  weeks  had  passed  away  very 
pleasantly  to  all—pleasantly  even 
to  Mr.  Verdant  Green;    for,   al 
though  he  had   not    renewed    his 
apple-tree  conversation  with  Miss 
Patty,  and  was  making   progress 
with    his   "Legend    of   the  Fair 
Margaret/' yet  — it  may  possibly 
have  been  that   the   exertion    to 
make  "dove"  rhyme  with  "love," 
and  "gloom"  with   "doom,"occu 
pied  his  mind  to  the  exclusion  of 
needless  sorrow — he  contrived  to 
make  himself  mournfully  amiable, 
even  if  not  tolerably  happy,  in  the 
society  of  the  fair  enchantress. 
The  Honeywood  party  were  indeed  a  model  household  ;  and 
rode,  and  drove,  and  walked,  and  fished,  and  sketched,  as  a  large 
family  of  brothers  and  sisters  might  do — perhaps  with  a  little 
more   piquancy    than   is   generally   found   in    the    home-made 
dish. 

They  had  had  more  than  one  little  friendly  pic-nic  and  ex- 
jursion,  and  had  seen  Warkworth,  and  grown  excessively  sen 
timental  in  its  hermitage ;  they  had  lionised  Alnwick,  and  gone 
over  its  noble  castle,  and  sat  in  Hotspur's  chair,  and  fallen  into 
raptures  at  the  Duchess's  bijou  of  a  dairy,  and  viewed  the  pillared 
passant  lion,  with  his  tail  blowing  straight  out  (owing,  probably, 
to  the  breezy  nature  of  his  position),  and  seen  the  Duke's  herd 
of  buffaloes  tearing  along  their  park  with  streaming  manes ;  and 
they  had  gone  back  to  Honeywood  Hall,  and  received  Honeywood 
guests,  and  been  entertained  by  them  in  return. 

But  the  squire  was  now  about  to  give  a  pic-nic  on  a  large  scale ; 
find  as  it  was  important,  not  only  in  its  dimensions  and  prepara 
tions,  but  also  in  bringing  about  an  occurrence  that  in  no  small 
degree  affected  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  future  life,  it  becomes  his 


12        THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEH. 

historian's  duty  to  chronicle  the  event  with  the  fulness  that  it 
merits.  The  pic-nic,  moreover,  deserves  mention  because  it 
possessed  an  individuality  of  character,  and  was  unlike  the  ordi 
nary  solemnities  attending  the  pic-nics  of  every-day  life. 

In  the  first  place,  the  party  had  to  reach  the  appointed  spot— 
•which  was  Chillingham— in  an  unusual  manner.  At  least  half 
of  the  road  that  had  to  be  traversed  was  impassable  for  carriages. 
•Bridgeless  brooks  had  to  be  crossed ;  and  what  were  called 
"  roads"  were  little  better  than  the  beds  of  mountain  torrents,  and 
in  wet  weather  might  have  been  taken  for  such.  Deep  channels 
were  worn  in  them  by  the  rush  of  impetuous  streams,  and  no 
known  carriage-springs  could  have  lived  out  such  ruts.  Carriages, 
therefore,  in  this  part  of  the  country,  were  out  of  the  question, 
The  squire  did  what  was  usual  on  such  occasions  :  he  appointed, 
as  a  rendezvous,  a  certain  little  inn  at  the  extremity  of  the  car 
riageable  part  of  the  road,  and  there  all  the  party  met,  and  left 
their  chariots  and  horses.  They  then — after  a  little  preparatory 
pic-nic,  for  many  of  them  had  come  from  long  distances — took 
possession  of  certain  wagons  that  were  in  waiting  for  them. 

These  wagons,  though  apparently  of  light  build,  were  con 
structed  for  the  country,  and  were  capable  of  sustaining  the  severe 
test  of  the  rough  roads.  Within  them  were  lashed  hay- sacks, 
which,  when  covered  with  railway  rugs,  formed  sufficiently  com 
fortable  seats,  on  which  the  divisions  of  the  party  sat  vis-d-via, 
like  omnibus  travellers.  Frederick  Delaval  and  a  few  others,  on 
horses  and  ponies,  as  outriders,  accompanied  the  wagon  procession, 
winch  was  by  no  means  deficient  in  materials  for  the  picturesque. 
The  teams  of  horses  were  turned  out  to  their  best  advantage,  and 
decorated  with  flowers.  The  fore  horse  of  each  team  bore  his 
collar  of  little  brass  bells,  which  clashed  out  a  wild  music  as  they 
moved  along.  The  ruddy-faced  wagoners  were  in  their  shirt 
sleeves,  which  were  tied  round  with  ribbons  ;  they  had  gay  rib 
bons  also  on  their  bats  and  whips,  and  did  not  lack  bouquets  and 
flowers  for  the  further  adornment  of  their  persons.  Altogether 
they  were  most  theatrical-looking  fellows,  and  appeared  perfectly 
prepared  to  take  their  places  in  the  Sonnambula,  or  any  other 
opera  in  which  decorated  rustics  have  to  appear  and  unanimously 
shout  their  joy  and  grief  at  the  nightly  rate  of  two  shillings  per 
head.  The  light  summer  dresses  of  the  ladies  helped  to  make 
an  agreeable  variety  of  colour,  as  the  wagons  moved  slowly 
along  the  dark  heathery  hills,  now  by  the  side  of  a  brawling 
brook,  and  now  by  a  rugged  road. 

The  joltinga  of  these  same  roads  were,  as  little  Mr.  Bounce! 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.         43 

feelingly  remarked,  facts  that  must  be  felt  to  be  believed.  For, 
when  the  wheel  of  any  vehicle  is  suddenly  plunged  into  a  rat  of 
hole  of  a  foot's  depth,  and  from  thence  violently  extracted  with  a 
jerk,  plunge,  and  wrench,  to  be  again  dropped  into  another  hole 
or  rut,  and  withdrawn  from  thence  in  a  like  manner, — and  when 
this  process  is  being  simultaneously  repeated,  with  discordant 
variations,  by  other  three  wheels  attached  to  the  self-same  vehicle, 
it  will  follow,  as  a  matter  of  course,  that  the  result  of  this  ex 
periment  will  be  the  violent  agitation  and  commingling  of  the 
movable  contents  of  the  said  vehicle  ;  and,  when  these  contents 
chance  to  take  the  semblance  of  humanity,  it  may  readily  be 
imagined  what  must  have  been  the  scene  presented  to  the  view 


as  the  pic-nic  wagons,  with  their  human  freight,  laboured  through 
the  mountain  roads  that  led  towards  Chillingham.  But  all  this 
only  gave  a  zest  to  the  day's  enjoyment ;  and,  if  Miss  Patty  Honey- 
wood  was  unable  to  maintain  her  seat  without  assistance  from 
her  neighbour,  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  it  is  not  at  all  improbable 
but  that  she  approved  of  his  kind  attention,  and  that  the  other 
young  ladies  who  were  similarly  situated  accepted  similar  atten 
tions  with  similar  gratitude. 

In  this  way  they  literally  jogged  along  to  Chillingham,  whe 
they  alighted   from    their  novel  carriages  and  four,   and  then 
leisurely  made  their  way  to  the  castle.    When  they  had  sufficiently 
lionised  it,  and  had  strolled  through  the  gardens,  they  went  1 
have  a  look  at  the  famous  wild  cattle.     Our  Warwickshire  friei 
had  frequently  had  a  distant  view  of  them  ;  for  the  cattle 
together  in  a  herd,  and  as  their  park  was  on  the  slo^e  ot  a  darK 


44         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

hill,  they  were  visible  from  afar  off  as  a  moving  white  patch  i>o 
the  landscape.  On  the  present  occasion  they  found  that  the  cattle, 
which  numbered  their  full  herd  of  about  a  hundred  strong,  were 
quietly  grazing  on  the  border  of  their  pine  wood,  where  a  few  oi 
their  fellow-tenants,  the  original  red-deer,  were  lifting  their 
enormous  antlers.  From  their  position  the  pic-nic  party  were 
Mnable  to  obtain  a  very  near  view  of  them  ;  but  the  curiosity  of 
the  young  ladies  was  strongly  excited,  and  would  not  be  allayed 
without  a  closer  acquaintance  with  these  formidable  but  beautiful 
creatures.  And  it  therefore  happened  that,  when  the  courageous 
Miss  Bouncer  proposed  that  they  should  make  an  incursion  into 
the  very  territory  of  the  Wild  Cattle,  her  proposition  was  not  only 
seconded,  but  was  carried  almost  unanimously.  It  was  in  vain 
that  Mr.  Honey  wood,  and  the  seniors  and  chaperones  of  the  party, 
reminded  the  younger  people  of  the  grisly  head  they  had  just 
seen  hanging  up  in  the  lodge,  and  those  straight  sharp  horns  that 
had  gored  to  death  the  brave  keeper  who  had  risked  his  own  life 
to  save  his  master's  friend  ;  it  was  in  vain  that  Charles  Larkyns, 
fearful  for  his  Mary's  sake,  quoted  the  "Bride  of  Lammermoor," 
and  urged  tbe  im probability  of  another  Master  of  Ravenswood 
'starting  out  of  the  bushes  to  the  rescue  of  a  second  Lucy  Ashton ; 
it  was  in  vain  that  anecdotes  were  told  of  the  fury  of  these  cattle, 
—how  they  would  single  out  some  aged  or  wounded  companion, 
and  drive  him  out  of  the  herd  until  he  miserably  died,  and  how 
they  would  hide  themselves  for  days  within  their  dark  pine-wood, 
where  no  onc%  dare  attack  them  ;  it  was  in  vain  that  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  reminded  Miss  Patty  Honeywood  of  her  narrow  escape 
from  Mr.  Roarer,  and  warned  her  that  her  then  danger  was  now 
increased  a  hundredfold  ;  all  in  vain,  for  Miss  Patty  assured  him 
that  the  cattle  were  as  peaceable  as  they  were  beautiful,  and  that 
they  only  attacked  people  in  self-defence  when  provoked  or  mo 
lested.  So,  as  the  young  ladies  were  positively  bent  upon  having 
a  nearer  view  of  the  milk-white  herd,  the  greater  number  of  the 
gentlemen  were  obliged  to  accompany  them. 

It  was  no  easy  matter  to  get  into  the  Wild  Cattle's  enclosure, 
as  the  boundary  fence  was  of  unusual  height,  and  the  difficulty 
of  its  being  scaled  by  ladies  was  proportionately  increased. 
Nevertheless,  the  fence  and  the  difficulty  were  alike  surmounted, 
and  the  party  were  safely  landed  within  the  park.  They  had 
promised  to  obey  Mr.  Honeywood's  advice,  and  to  abstain  from 
that  mill-stream  murmur  of  conversation  in  which  a  party  ol 
young  ladies  usually  indulge,  and  to  walk  quietly  among  the 
trees,  across  an  angle  of  the  park,  at  some  two  or  three  hundred 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN.        4J 

yards'  distance  from  the  herd,  so  as  not  to  unnecessarily  attract 
their  attention ;  and  then  to  scale  the  fence  at  a  point  higher  up 
the  hill.  Following  this  advice,  they  walked  quietly  across  the 
mossy  grass,  keeping  behind  trees,  and  escaping  the  notice  of  the 
Cattle.  They  had  reached  midway  in  their  proposed  path,  and, 
with  silent  admiration,  were  watching  the  movements  of  the  herd 
as  they  placidly  grazed  at  a  short  distance  from  them,  when  Miss 
Bouncer,  who  was  addicted  to  uncontrollable  fits  of  laughter  at 
improper  seasons,  was  so  tickled  at  some  sotto  voce  remark  o£ 
Frederick  Delaval's,  that  she  burst  into  a  hearty  ringing  lau#> 
which,  ere  she  could  smother  its  noise  with  her  handkerchief,  ham 
startled  the  watchful  ears  of  the  monarch  of  the  herd. 

The  Bull  raised  his  magnificent  head,  and  looked  round  in  the 
direction  from  whence  the  disturbance  had  proceeded.  As  he 
perceived  it,  he  sniffed  the  air,  made  a  rapid  movement  with  his 
pink-edged  ears,  and  gave  an  ominous  bellow.  This  signal  awoke 
the  attention  of  the  other  bulls,  their  wives,  and  children,  who 
simultaneously  left  off  grazing  and  commenced  gazing.  The 
bovine  monarch  gave  another  bellow,  stamped  upon  the  ground, 
lashed  his  tail,  advanced  about  twenty  yards  in  a  threatening 
manner,  and  then  paused,  and  gazed  fixedly  upon  the  pic-nic 
party  and  Miss  Bouncer,  who  too  late  regretted  her  malapropos 
laugh. 

"For  heaven's  sake !"  whispered  Mr.  Honeywood,  "do  not 
speak;  but  get  to  the  fence  as  quietly  and  quickly  as  you  can." 

The  young  ladies  obeyed,  and  forbore  either  to  scream  or  faint 
—for  the  present.  The  Bull  gave  another  stamp  and  bellow,  and 
made  a  second  advance.  This  time  he  came  about  fifty  yards 
before  he  paused,  and  he  was  followed  at  a  short  distance,  and  at 
a  walking  pace,  by  the  rest  of  the  herd  The  ladies  retreated 
quietly,  the  gentlemen  came  after  them,  but  the  park-fence 
appeared  to  be  at  a  terribly  long  distance,  and  it  was  evident 
that  if  the  herd  made  a  sudden  rush  upon  them,  nothing  could 
save  them — unless  they  could  climb  the  trees  ;  but  this  did  not 
seem  very  practicable.  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  however,  caught  at 
the  probability  of  such  need,  and  anxio  isly  looked  round  for  the 
most  likely  tree  for  his  purpose. 

The  Bull  had  made  another  advance,  and  was  gaining  upon 
them.  It  seemed  curious  that  he  should  stand  forth  as  the 
champion  of  the  herd,  and  do  all  the  roaring  and  stamping,  while 
the  other  bulls  remained  mute,  and  followed  with  the  rest  of  the 
herd,  yet  so  it  was ;  but  there  seemed  no  reason  to  disbelieve  the 
unpleasant  fact  that  the  monarch's  example  would  be  imitated  bj 

12* 


46         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN, 

his  subjects.  The  herd  had  now  drawn  so  near,  and  tLe  ycang 
ladies  had  made  such  a  comparatively  slow  retreat,  that  they 
were  yet  many  yards  distant  from  the  boundary  fence,  and  it  was 
quite  plain  that  they  could  not  reach  it  before  the  advancing 
milk-white  mass  would  be  hurled  against  them.  Some  of  the 
young  ladies  were  beginning  to  feel  faint  and  hysterical,  and 
their  alarm  was  more  or  less  shared  by  all  the  party. 

It  was  now,  by  Charles  Larkyns's  advice,  that  the  more  active 
gentlemen  mounted  on  to  the  lower  branches  of  the  wide-spread 
ing  trees,  and,  aided  by  others  upon  the  ground,  began  to  lift  up 
the  ladies  to  places  of  security.  But,  the  party  being  a  large 
one,  this  caring  for  its  more  valued  but  less  athletic  members 
was  a  business  that  could  not  be  transacted  without  the  expendi 
ture  of  some  little  time  and  trouble,  more,  as  it  seemed,  than 
could  now  be  bestowed;  for,  the  onward  movement  of  the  Chilling- 
ham  Cattle  was  more  rapid  than  the  corresponding  upward  move 
ment  of  the  Northumbrian  pic-nickers.  And,  even  if  Charles 
Larky  n&'s  plan  should  have  a  favourable  issue,  it  did  not  seem  a 
very  agreeable  prospect  to  be  detained  up  in  a  tree,  with  a  cen 
tury  of  bulls  bellowing  beneath,  until  casual  assistance  should 
arrive  ;  and  yet,  what  was  this  state  of  affairs  when  compared 
with  the  terrors  of  that  impending  fate  from  which,  for  some  of 
them  at  least,  there  seemed  no  escape?  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
fully  realised  the  horrors  of  this  alternative  when  he  looked  at 
Miss  Patty  Honeywood,  who  had  not  yet  joined  those  ladies  who, 
clinging  fearfully  to  the  boughs,  and  crouching  among  the 
branches  like  roosting  guinea-fowls,  were  for  the  present  in  com 
parative  safety,  and  out  of  the  reach  of  the  Cattle. 

The  monarch  of  the  herd  had  now  come  within  forty  yards 
distance,  and  then  stopped,  lashing  his  tail  and  bellowing  defi 
ance,  as  he  appeared  to  be  preparing  for  a  final  rush.  Behind 
him,  in  a  dense  phalanx,  white  and  terrible,  were  the  rest  of  the 
herd.  Suddenly,  and  before  the  Snowy  Bull  had  made  his 
advance,  Frederick  Delaval,  to  the  wondering  fear  of  all,  stepped 
boldly  forth  to  meet  him.  As  has  been  said,  he  was  one  of  the 
equestrians  of  the  party,  and  he  carried  a  heavy-handled  whip, 
furnished  with  a  long  and  powerful  lash.  He  wrapped  this  lash 
round  his  hand,  and  walked  resolutely  towards  the  Bull,  fixing 
his  eyes  steadily  upon  him.  The  Bull  chafed  angrily,  and 
stamped  upon  the  ground,  but  did  not  advance.  The  herd,  also, 
were  motionless ;  but  their  dark,  lustrous  eyes  were  centred 
upon  Frederick  Delaval's  advancing  figure.  The  members  oi 
the  pic-nic  party  were  also  watching  him  with  intense  interest 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.        47 

If  they  could,  they  would  have  prevented  his  purpose ;  for  to  all 
appearance  he  was  about  to  lose  his  own  life  in  order  that  the 
rest  of  the  party  might  gain  time  to  reach  a  place  of  safety.  The 
very  expectation  of  this  prevented  many  of  the  ladies  availing 
themselves  of  the  opportunity  thus  so  boldly  purchased,  and  they 
stood  transfixed  with  terror  and  astonishment,  breathlessly  await- 
iiig  the  result. 

They  watched  him  draw  near  the  wild  white  Bull,  wha  stood 
there  yet,  foaming  and  stamping  up  the  turf,  but  not  advancing. 
His  huge  horned  head  was  held  erect,  and  his  mane  bristled  up, 
as  he  looked  upon  the  adversary  who  thus  dared  to  brave  him. 
He  suffered  Frederick  Delaval  to  approach  him,  and  only  be 
trayed  &  consciousness  of  his  presence  by  his  heavy  snorting, 
angry  lashing  of  the  tail,  and  quick  motion  of  his  bright  eye. 
All  this  time  the  young  man  had  looked  the  Bull  steadfastly  in 
the  front,  and  had  drawn  near  him  with  an  equal  and  steady 
step.  Suppressed  screams  broke  from  more  than  one  witness  of 
his  bravery,  when  he  at  length  stood  within  a  step  of  his  huge 
adversary.  He  gazed  fixedly  into  the  Bull's  eyes,  and,  after  a 
moment's  pause,  suddenly  raised  his  riding-whip,  and  lashed  the 
animal  heavily  over  the  shoulders.  The  Bull  tossed  round,  and 
roared  with  fury.  The  whole  herd  became  agitated,  and  other 
bulls  trotted  up  to  support  their  monarch. 

Still  looking  him  steadfastly  in  the  eyes,  Frederick  Delaval 
again  raised  his  heavy  whip,  and  lashed  him  more  severely  than 
before.  The  Wild  Bull  butted  down,  swerved  round,  and  dashed 
out  with  his  heels.  As  he  did  so,  Frederick  again  struck  him 
heavily  with  the  whip,  and,  at  the  same  time,  blew  a  piercing 
signal  on  the  boatswain's  whistle  that  he  usually  carried  with 
him.  The  sudden  shriek  of  the  whistle  appeared  to  put  the  coup 
de  grace  to  the  young  man's  bold  attack,  for  the  animal  had  no 
sooner  heard  it  than  he  tossed  up  his  head  and  threw  forward  his 
ears,  as  though  to  ask  from  whence  the  novel  noise  proceeded. 
Frederick  Delaval  again  blew  a  piercing  shriek  on  the  whistle; 
and  when  the  Wild  Bull  heard  it,  and  once  more  felt  the  sting 
ing  lash  of  the  heavy  whip,  he  swerved  round,  and  with  a  bellow 
of  pain  and  fury  trotted  back  to  the  herd.  The  young  man  blew 
another  shrill  whistle,  and  cracked  the  long  lash  of  his  whip  until 
its  echoes  reverberated  like  so  many  pistol-shots.  The  Wild 
Bull's  trot  increased  to  a  gallop,  and  he  and  the  whole  herd  of 
the  Chillingham  Cattle  dushed  rapidly  away  from  the  pic-nic 
party,  and  in  a  little  time  were  lost  to  view  in  the  recesses  of 
their  forest. 


48         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

"  Thank  God  ! "  said  Mr.  Honey  wood ;  and  it  was  echoed  in 
the  hearts  of  all.  But  the  Squire's  emotion  was  too  deep  for 
words,  as  he  went  to  meet  Frederick  Delaval,  and  pressed  him 
by  the  hand. 

"  Get  the  women  outside  the  park  as  quickly  as  possible,"  said 
Frederick,  «*  and  I  will  join  you." 

But  when  thi?  was  done,  and  Mr.  Hoiieywood  had  returned  to 
him,  he  found  fr  n  lying  motionless  beneath  the  tree. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEil. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

VERDANT  GREEN  HAS  AN  INKLING  OF  THE  BDTUBE. 


MONO  other  things  that 
Mr.  Honeywood  had 
thoughtfully  provided 
for  the  pic-nic  was  a 
flask  of  pale  brandy, 
which,  for  its  better  pre. 
servation,  he  had  kept 
in  his  own  pocket.  This 
was  fortunate,  as  it  en 
abled  the  Squire  to  make 
use  of  it  for  Frederick 
Delaval's  recovery.  He 
had  fainted:  his  concentrated  courage  and 
resolution  had  borne  him  bravely  up  to  a 
certain  point,  and  then  his  overtaxed  ener 
gies  had  given  way  when  the  necessity  for 
their  exertion  was  removed.  When  he  had  come  to  himself,  he 
appeared  to  be  particularly  thankful  that  there  had  not  been  a 
spectator  of  (what  he  deemed  to  be)  his  unpardonable  foolish 
ness  in  giving  way  to  a  weakness  that  he  considered  should  be  in 
dulged  in  by  none  other  than  faint-hearted  women  ;  and  he 
earnestly  begged  the  Squire  to  be  silent  on  this  little  episode  in 
the  day's  adventure. 

When  they  had  left  the  Wild  Cattle's  park,  and  had  joined 
the  rest  of  the  party,  Frederick  Delaval  received  the  hearty 
thanks  that  he  so  richly  deserved;  and  this,  with  such  an  ex 
uberant  display  of  feminine  gratitude  as  to  lead  Mr.  Bouncer  tc 
observe,  that,  if  Mr.  Delaval  chose  to  take  a  mean  advantage  of 
his  position,  he  could  have  immediately  proposed  to  two-thirds 
of  the  ladies,  without  the  possibility  of  their  declining  his  offer : 
at  which  remark  Mr.  Verdant  Green  experienced  an  uncom 
fortable  sensation,  as  he  thought  of  the  probable  issue  of  events 
if  Mr  Delaval  should  partly  act  upon  Mr.  Bouncer's  suggestion, 
by  selecting  one  young  lady — his  cousin  Patty — and  proposing 


50         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

to  her.  This  reflection  became  strengthened  into  a  determine 
tion  to  set  the  matter  at  rest,  decide  his  doubts,  arid  put  an  end 
to  his  suspense,  by  taking  the  first  opportunity  to  renew  with 
Miss  Patty  that  most  interesting  apple-tree  conversation  that  had 
been  interrupted  by  Mr.  Bouncer  at  such  a  critical  moment. 

The  pic-nic  party,  broken  up  into  couples  and  groups,  slowly 
made  their  way  up  the  hill,  to  Ros  Castle — the  doubly-intrenched 
British  fort  on  the  summit — where  the  dinner  was  to  take  place. 
It  was  a  rugged  road,  running  along  the  side  of  the  park,  bounded 
by  rocky  batiks,  and  shaded  by  trees.  It  was  tenanted  as  usual 
by  a  Faw  gang, — a  band  of  gipsies,  whose  wild  and  gay  attire, 
with  their  accompaniments  of  tents,  carts,  horses,  dogs,  and  fires, 
added  picturesqueness  to  the  scene.  With  the  characteristic  of 
their  race — which  appears  to  be  a  shrewd  mixture  of  mendicity 
and  mendacity — they  at  once  abandoned  their  business  of  tinker 
ing  and  peg-making  ;  and,  resuming  their  other  business  of  for 
tune-telling  and  begging,  they  judiciously  distributed  themselves 
among  the  various  divisions  of  the  pic-nic  party. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  strolling  up  the  hill  lost  in  medita 
tion,  and  so  inattentive  to  the  wiles  of  Miss  Eleonora  Morkin, 
and  her  sister  Letitia  Jane  (two  fascinating  young  ladies  who 
were  bent  upon  turning  the  pic-nic  to  account),  that  they  had  left 
him,  and  had  forcibly  attached  themselves  to  Mr.  Poletiss  (a 
soft  young  gentleman  from  the  neighbourhood  of  Wooler),  when 
a  gipsy  woman,  with  a  baby  at  her  back  and  two  children  at  her 
heels,  singled  out  our  hero  as  a  not  unlikely  victim,  and  began 
at  once  to  tell  his  fate,  dispensing  with  the  aid  of  stops  : — 

"May  the  heavens  rain  blessings  on  your  head  my  pretty 
gentleman  give  the  poor  gipsy  a  piece  of  silver  to  buy  her  a  bit  for 
the  bairns  and  I  can  read  by  the  lines  in  your  face  my  pretty 
gentleman  that  you're  born  to  ride  in  a  golden  coach  and  wear 
buckles  of  diemints  and  that  your  heart's  opening  like  a  flower  to 
help  the  poor  gipsy  to  get  her  a  trifle  for  her  poor  famishing 
bairns  that  I  see  the  tears  of  pity  astanding  like  pearls  in 
your  eyes  my  pretty  gentleman  and  may  you  never  know  the 
want  of  the  shilling  that  I  see  you're  going  to  give  the  poor  gipsy 
who  will  send  you  all  the  rich  blessings  of  heaven  if  you  will 
but  cross  her  hand  with  the  bright  pieces  of  silver  that  are  not 
half  so  bright  as  the  sweet  eyes  of  the  lady  that's  awaiting  and 
athinking  of  you  my  pretty  gentleman  ' 

This  unpunctuated  exhortation  of  the  dark-eyed  prophetess 
was  here  diverted  into  a  new  channel  by  tM  arrival  of  Miss 
Patty  Hcney  wood,  who  had  left  her  cousin  Frank,  and  had  brough/ 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.        51 

her  sketch-book  to  the  spot  where  "  the  pretty  geatleman  "  and 
the  fortune-teller  were  standing. 

"I  do  so  want  to  draw  a  real  gipsy," she  said.  "I  have  never 
yet  sketched  one ;  and  this  is  a  good  opportunity.  These  little 
brownies  of  children,  with  their  Italian  faces  and  hair,  are  very 
picturesque  in  their  rags." 

"  Oh  !  do  draw  them  !"  said  Verdant  enthusiastically,  as  he 
perceived  that  the  rest  of  the  party  had  passed  out  of  sight.  "  It 
is  a  capital  opportunity,  and  I  dare  say  they  will  have  no  objection 
to  be  sketched." 

"  May  the  heavens  be  the  hardest  bed  you'll  ever  have  to  He 
on  my  pretty  rosebud,"  said  the  unpunctuating  descendant  of  John 
Faa,  as  she  addressed  herself  to  Miss  Patty ;  "  and  you're  welcome 
to  take  the  poor  gipsy's  pictur  and  to  cross  her  hand  with  the 
shining  silver  while  she  reads  the  stars  and  picks  you  out  a  prince 
of  a  husband  and  twelve  pretty  bairns  like  the  " 

"  No,  no  !"  said  Miss  Patty,  checking  the  gipsy  in  her  boun 
teous  promises.  "  I'll  give  you  something  for  letting  me  sketch 
you,  but  I  won't  have  my  fortune  told.  I  know  it  already ;  at 


^«i% 


least  as  much  as  I  care  to  know."    A  speech  which  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  interpreted  thus :     Frederick  Delaval  has  propsed,  a 
has  been  accepted.  „     . , 

"  Pray  don  t  let  me  keep  you  from  the  rest  of  the  party,    6 
Miaa  Patty  to  our  hero,  while  the  gipsy  shot  our  fragment*  of 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

persuasive  oratory.  "  I  can  get  on  very  well  by  myself. v  "  She 
wants  to  get  rid  of  me,"  thought  Verdant.  "  I  dare  say  her  cousin 
is  coming  back  to  her."  But  he  said,  "At  any  rate  let  me  stay 
until  Mr.  Delaval  rejoins  you." 

"  Oh !  he  is  gone  on  with  the  rest,  like  a  polite  man.  The 
Miss  Maxwells  and  their  cousins  were  all  by  themselves." 

"  But  you  are  all  by  yourself ;  and,  by  your  own  showing,  I 
ought  to  prove  my  politeness  by  staying  with  you." 

"  I  suppose  that  is  Oxford  logic,"  said  Miss  Patty,  as  she  went 
on  with  her  sketch  of  the  two  gipsy  children.  "  I  wish  these 
small  persons  would  stand  quiet.  Put  your  hands  on  your  stick, 
my  boy,  and  not  before  your  face. — But  there  are  the  Miss 
Morkins,  with  one  gentleman  for  the  two  ;  and  I  dare  say  you 
would  much  rather  be  with  Miss  Eleonora.  Now,  wouldn't 
you  ?"  and  the  young  lady,  as  she  rapidly  sketched  the  figures 
before  her,  stole  a  sly  look  at  the  enamoured  gentleman  by  her 
side,  who  forthwith  protested,  in  an  excited  and  confused  man 
ner,  that  he  would  rather  stand  near  her  for  one  minute  than 
walk  and  talk  for  a  whole  day  with  the  Miss  Morkins ;  and 
then,  having  made  this  (for  him)  unusually  strong  avowal,  h«i 
timidly  blushed,  and  retired  within  himself. 

"  Oh  yes  !  I  dare  say,"  said  Miss  Patty  ;  "  but  I  don't  believb 
in  compliments.  If  you  choose  to  victimise  yourself  by  staying 
here,  of  course  you  can  do  so. — Look  at  me,  little  girl ;  you 
needn't  be  frightened  ;  I  shan't  eat  you. — And  perhaps  you  can 
be  useful.  I  want  some  water  to  wash-in  these  figures ;  and  if 
they  were  literally  washed  in  it,  it  would  be  very  much  to  their 
advantage,  wouldn't  it  ?" 

Of  course  it  would  ;  and  of  course  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was 
delighted  to  obey  the  command.  "  What  spirits  she  is  in  !''  he 
thought,  as  he  dipped  the  little  can  of  water  into  the  spring.  "  I 
dare  say  it  is  because  she  arid  her  cousin  Frederick  have  come  to 
an  understanding." 

"  11  you  are  anxious  to  hear  a  fortune  told,"  said  Miss  Patty, 
"  here  is  the  old  gipsy  coming  back  to  us,  and  you  had  better 
let  her  tell  yours." 

•'  I  am  afraid  that  I  know  it." 

"  And  do  you  like  the  prospect  of  it  ?" 

*'Not  at  all!'*  and  as  he  said  this  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  coun 
tenance  fell.  Singularly  enough,  a  shade  of  sadness  also  stole 
over  Miss  Patty's  sunny  face.  What  could  he  mean  ? 

A  somewhat  disagreeable  silence  was  broken  by  the  gipsj 
most  wolubly  echoing  Miss  Patty's  request. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.        5S 

"  Yea  had  better  let  her  tell  you  your  fortune,"  said  the  young 
lady ;  '*  perhaps  it  may  be  an  improvement  on  what  you  ex 
pected.  And  I  shall  be  able  to  make  a  better  sketch  of  her  in 
her  true  character  of  a  fortune-teller." 

Then,  like  as  Marti valle  inspected  Quentin  Durward's  palm, 
according  to  the  form  of  the  mystic  arts  which  he  practised,  so 
the  swarthy  prophetess  opened  her  Book  of  Fate,  and  favoured 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  with  choice  extracts  from  its  contents.  First, 
she  told  the  pretty  gentleman  a  long  rigmarole  about  the  stars, 
and  a  planet  that  ought  to  have  shone  upon  him,  but  didn't. 
Then  she  discoursed  of  a  beautiful  young  lady,  with  a  heart  as 
full  of  love  as  a  pomegranate  was  full  of  seeds, — painting,  in 
pretty  exact  colours,  a  lively  portraiture  of  Miss  Patty,  which 


was  no  very  difficult  task,  while  the  fair  original  was  close  at 
hand;  nevertheless,  the  infatuated  pretty  gentleman  was  ( 
impressed  with  the  gipsy  narrative,  and  began  to  think  that  t 
tice  and  knowledge  of  the  occult  sciences  may  after  all,  have  be< 
handed  down  to  the  modern  representatives  of  the  ancien 
tians.    He  was  still  further  impressed  with  this  belief  when  th 
gipsy  proceeded  to  tell  him  that  he  was  passionately  attached 
the  pomegranate-hearted  young  lady,  but  that  his  path  of  trua 
love  was  crossed  by  a  rival — a  dark  man. 


64  THE  ADVENTURES  OP  MR.  VEEVANT  GREEIf, 

Frederick  Delaval !  This  is  really  most  extraordinary  !  thought 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who  was  not  familiar  with  a  fortune-teller's 
stock  in  trade  ;  and  he  waited  with  some  anxiety  for  the  further 
unravelling  of  his  fate. 

The  cunning  gipsy  saw  this,  and  broadly  hinted  that  another 
piece  of  silver  placed  upon  the  junction  of  two  cross  lines  in  the 
pretty  gentleman's  right  palm  would  materially  propitiate  the 
stars,  and  assist  in  the  happy  solution  of  his  fortune.  When  the 
hint  had  been  taken  she  pursued  her  romantic  narrative.  Her 
elaborate  but  discursive  summing-up  comprehended  the  triumph 
of  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  the  defeat  of  the  dark  man,  the  marriage 
of  the  former  to  the  pomegranate-hearted  young  lady,  a  yellow 
carriage  and  four  white  horses  with  long  tails,  and,  last  but  cer 
tainly  not  least,  a  family  of  twelve  children  :  at  which  childish 
termination  Miss  Patty  laughed,  and  asked  our  hero  if  that  was 
the  fate  that  he  had  dreaded  ? 

Her  sketch  being  concluded,  she  remunerated  her  models  so 
munificently  as  to  draw  down  upon  her  head  a  rapid  series  of  the 
most  wordy  and  incoherent  blessings  she  had  ever  heard,  under 
cover  of  which  she  effected  her  escape,  and  proceeded  with  hei 
companion  to  rejoin  the  others.  They  were  not  very  far  in  ad 
vance.  The  gipsies  had  beset  them  at  divers  points  in  their 
progress,  and  had  made  no  small  number  of  them  yield  to  their 
importunities  to  cross  their  hands  with  silver.  When  the  various 
members  of  the  pic-nic  party  afterwards  came  to  compare  notes 
as  to  the  fortunes  that  had  been  told  them,  it  was  discovered  that 
a  remarkable  similarity  pervaded  the  fates  of  all,  though  their 
destinies  were  greatly  influenced  by  the  amount  expended  in 
crossing  the  hand ;  and  it  was  observable  that  the  number  of 
children  promised  to  bless  the  nuptial  tie  was  also  regulated  by 
a  sliding-scale  of  payment — the  largest  payers  being  rewarded 
with  the  assurance  of  the  largest  i'amilies.  It  was  also  discovered 
that  the  description  of  the  favoured  lover  was  invariably  the 
verbal  delineation  of  the  lady  or  gentleman  who  chanced  to  be  at 
that  time  walking  with  the  person  whose  fortune  was  being  told 
-—a  prophetic  discrimination  worthy  of  all  praise,  since  it  had  the 
pretty  good  security  of  being  correct  in  more  than  one  case,  and 
in  the  other  cases  there  was  the  chance  of  the  prophecy  coming 
true,  however  improbable  present  events  would  appear.  Thus, 
Miss  Eleonora  Morkin  received,  and  was  perfectly  satisfied  with, 
a  description  of  Mr.  Poletiss ;  while  Miss  Letitia  Jane  Morkin 
was  made  supremely  happy  with  a  promise  of  a  similarly-de 
scribed  gentleman ;  until  the  two  sisters  had  compared  notea, 


THE  ADVENTURES  OP  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.        58 

when  they  discovered  that  the  same  husband  had  been  pomjsed 
to  both  of  them — which  by  no  means  improved  their  sororal 
amiability. 

As  Verdant  walked  up  the  hill  with  Miss  Patty,  he  thought 
very  seriously  on  his  feelings  towards  her,  and  pondered  what 
might  be  the  nature  of  her  feelings  in  regard  to  him.  He  be 
lieved  that  she  was  engaged  to  her  cousin  Frederick.  All  her 
little  looks,  and  acts,  and  words  to  himself,  he  could  construe  as 
the  mere  tokens  of  the  friendship  of  a  warm-hearted  girl.  If  she 
was  inclined  to  a  little  flirtation,  there  was  then  an  additional 
reason  lor  her  notice  of  him.  Then  he  thought  that  she  'vas  of 
far  too  noble  a  disposition  to  lead  him  on  to  a  love  which  she 
could  not,  or  might  not  wish  to,  return  ;  and  that  she  would  not 
have  said  and  done  many  little  things  that  he  fondly  recalled, 
unless  she  had  chosen  to  show  him  that  he  was  dearer  to  her 
than  a  mere  friend.  Having  ascended  to  the  heights  of  happiness 
by  this  thought,  Verdant  immediately  plunged  from  thence  into 
the  depths  of  misery,  by  calling  to  mind  various  other  little  things 
that  she  had  said  and  done  in  connection  with  her  cousin  ;  and 
he  again  forced  himself  into  the  conviction  that  in  Frederick 
Delaval  he  had  a  rival,  and,  what  was  more,  a  successful  one. 
He  determined,  before  the  day  was  over,  to  end  his  tortures  of 
suspense  by  putting  to  Miss  Patty  the  plain  question  whether  or 
no  she  was  engaged  to  her  cousin,  and  to  trust  to  her  kindness 
to  forgive  the  question  if  it  was  an  impertinent  one.  He  was 
unable  to  do  this  for  the  present,  partly  from  lack  of  courage, 
and  partly  from  the  too  close  neighbourhood  of  others  of  the 
party ;  but  he  concocted  several  sentences  that  seemed  to  him 
to  be  admirably  adapted  to  bring  about  the  desired  result. 

"  How  abstracted  you  are !"  said  Miss  Patty  to  him  rather 
abruptly.  "  Why  don't  you  make  yourself  agreeable  ?  For  the 
last  three  minutes  you  have  not  taken  your  eyes  off  Kitty."  (She 
was  walking  just  before  them,  with  her  cousin  Frederick.)  "  What 
were  you  thinking  about  ?" 

Perhaps  it  was  that  he  was  suddenly  roused  from  deep  thought, 
and  had  no  time  to  frame  an  evasive  reply ;  but  at  any  rate  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  answered,  "  I  was  thinking  that  Mr.  Delaval  had 
1  proposed,  and  bad  been  accepted."  And  then  he  was  frightened 
at  what  he  had  said ;  for  Miss  Patty  looked  confused  and  sur 
prised.  "  I  sea  that  it  is  so,"  he  sighed,  and  his  heart  sank 
within  him. 

••  How  did  you  find  it  out?"  she  replied. 
the  present ;  and  we  do  not  wish  any  one  to  knew  of  it" 


66         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN- 

"  My  dear  Patty,"  said  Frederick  Delaval,  who  had  waited  foi 
them  to  come  up,  "  wherever  have  you  been?  We  thought  the 
gipsies  had  stolen  you.  I  am  dying  to  tell  you  my  fortune.  I 
was  with  Miss  Maxwell  at  the  time,  and  the  old  woman  described 
her  to  me  as  my  future  wife.  The  fortune-teller  was  slightly  on 
the  wrong  tack,  wasn't  she?"  So  Frederick  Delaval  and  the 
Misses  Honey  wood  laughed ;  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  also  laughed 
in  a  very  savage  manner ;  and  they  all  seemed  to  think  it  a  very 
capital  joke,  and  walked  on  together  in  very  capital  spirits. 

"  My  last  hope  is  gone !"  thought  Verdant.  "  I  have  no* 
heard  my  fate  from  her  own  lips." 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


57 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

MB.  VERDANT  GREEN  CROSSES  THE  RUBICON. 


HE  pic-nic  dinner  was  laid 
near  to  the  brow  of  tha 
hill  of  Ros  Castle,  on 
the  shady  side  of  the 
park  wall.  In  this  cool 
retreat,  with  the  thick 
summer  foliage  to  screen 
them  from  the  hot  sun, 
they  could  feast  undis 
turbed  either  by  the 
Wild  Cattle  or  the  noon 
day  glare,  and  drink  in 
draughts  of  beauty  from 
the  wide  -  spread  land 
scape  betore  them. 

The  hill  on  which  they 

were  seated  was  broken  up  into  the  most  picturesque  undula 
tions  ;  here,  the  rock  cropped  out  from  the  mossy  turf ;  there, 
the  blaeberries  (the  bilberries  of  more  southern  counties)  clus 
tered  in  myrtle-like  bushes.  The  intrenched  hill  sloped  down  to 
a  rich  plain,  spreading  out  for  many  miles,  traversed  by  the  great 
north  road,  and  dotted  over  with  hamlets.  Then  came  a  brown 
belt  of  sand,  and  a  broken  white  line  of  breakers ;  and  then  the 
sea,  flecked  with  crested  waves,  and  sails  that  glimmered  in  the 
dreamy  distance.  Holy  Island  was  also  in  sight,  together  with 
the  rugged  Castle  of  Bam  borough,  and  the  picturesque  groups  of 
the  Staple  and  the  Farn  Islands,  covered  with  sea-birds,  and 
circled  with  pearls  of  foam. 

The  immediate  foreground  presented  a  very  cheering  prosper* 
to  hungry  folks.  The  snowy  table-cloth — held  down  upon  the 
grass  by  fragments  of  rock  against  the  surprise  of  high  winds — 
was  dappled  over  with  loins  of  lamb,  and  lobster  salads,  and 
pigeon-pies,  and  veal  cakes,  and  grouse,  and  game,  and  ducks, 
Mid  cold  fowls,  and  ruddy  hams,  and  helpless  tongues,  and  cooJ 


58        THE  ADVENTURES  OP  MR.  TERDANT  GREEK. 

cucumbers,  and  pickled  salmon,  angl  roast-beef  of  old  England, 
and  oyster  patties,  and  venison  pasties,  and  all  sorts  of  pastries ' 
and  jellies,  and  custards,  and  ice :  to  say  notbing  of  piles  of 
peaches,  and  nectarines,  and  grapes,  and  melons,  and  pines. 
Everything  had  been  remembered — even  the  salt,  and  the  knives 
and  forks,  which  are  usually  forgotten  at  alfresco  entertainments. 
All  this  was  very  cheering,  and  suggestive  of  enjoyment  and 
creature  comforts.  Wines  and  humbler  liquids  stood  around ; 
and,  for  the  especial  delectation  of  the  ladies,  a  goodly  supply  of 
champagne  lay  cooling  itself  in  some  ice-pails,  under  the  tilt  of 
the  cart  that  had  brought  it.  This  cart-tilt,  draped  over  with 
loose  sacking,  formed  a  very  good  imitation  of  a  gipsy  tent,  that 
did  not  in  the  least  detract  from  the  rusticity  of  the  scene,  more 
especially  as  close  behind  it  was  burning  a  gipsy  fire,  surmounted 
by  a  triple  gibbet,  on  which  hung  a  kettle,  melodious  even  then,  and 
singing  through  its  swan-like  neck  an  intimation  of  its  readiness 
to  aid,  at  a  moment's  notice,  in  the  manufacture  of  whisky-toddy. 
The  dinner  was  a  very  merry  affair.  The  gentlemen  vied  with 
the  servants  in  attending  to  the  wants  of  the  ladies,  and  were 
assiduous  in  the  duties  of  cutting  and  carving ;  while  the  sharp 
popping  of  the  champagne,  and  the  heavier  artillery  of  the  pale 
ale  and  porter  bottles,  made  a  pleasant  fusillade.  Little  Mr. 
Bouncer  was  especially  deserving  of  notice.  He  sat  with  his 
legs  in  the  shape  of  the  letter  V  inverted,  his  legs  being  forced 


to  retain  their  position  from  the  fact  of  three  dishes  of  various 
dimensions  being  arranged  between  them  in  a  diminuendo  pass 
age.  These  three  dished  he  vigorously  attacked,  not  only  on  his 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEK.        5f 

•wn  account,  but  also  on  behalf  of  his  neighbours,  more  especi 
ally  Miss  Fanny  Green,  who  reclined  by  his  side  in  an  oriental 
posture,  and  made  a  table  of  her  lap.  The  disposition  of  the 
rest  of  the  dramatis  persona  was  also  noticeable,  as  also  their 
positions — their  sitting  a  la  Turk  or  tailor,  and  their  degages 
attitudes  and  costumes.  Charles  Larkyns  had  got  by  Mary 
Green ;  Mr.  Poletiss  was  placed,  sandwich-like,  between  the 
two  Miss  Morkins,  who  were  both  making  love  to  him  at  once ; 
Frederick  Delaval  was  sitting  in  a  similar  fashion  between  the  two 
Miss  Honeywoods,  who  were  not,  however,  both  making  love  to 
him  at  once ;  and  on  the  other  side  of  Miss  Patty  was  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green.  The  infatuated  young  man  could  not  drag  himself 
away  from  his  conqueror.  Although,  from  her  own  confession,  he 
had  learnt  what  he  had  many  times  suspected — that  Frederick 
Delaval  had  proposed  and  had  been  accepted — yet  he  still  felt  a 
pleasure  in  burning  his  wings  and  fluttering  round  his  light  of 
love,  "An  affection  of  the  heart  cannot  be  cured  at  a  moment's 
notice,"  thought  Verdant;  "  to-morrow  I  will  endeavour  to  begin 
the  task  of  forgetting — to-day,  remembrance  is  too  recent ;  besides, 
every  one  is  expected  to  enjoy  himself  at  a  pic-nic,  and  I  must 
appear  to  do  the  same." 

But  it  did  not  seem  as  though  Miss  Patty  had  any  intention  of 
allowing  those  in  her  immediate  vicinity  to  betake  themselves  to 
the  dismals,  or  to  the  produce  of  wet-blankets,  for  she  was  in  the 
very  highest  spirits,  and  insisted,  as  it  were,  that  those  around 
her  should  catch  the  contagion  of  her  cheerfulness.  And  it 
accordingly  happened  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  seemed  to  be  as 
merry  as  was  old  King  Cole,  and  laughed  and  talked  as  though 
black  care  was  anywhere  else  than  between  himself  and  Miss 
Patty  Honeywood, 

Close  behind  Miss  Patty  was  the  gipsy -tent-looking  cart-tilt ; 
and  when  the  dinner  was  over,  and  there  was  a  slight  change  of 
places,  while  the  fragments  were  being  cleared  away  and  the  des 
sert  and  wine  were  being  placed  on  the  table— that  is  to  say,  the 
cloth— Miss  Patty,  under  pretence  of  escaping  from  a  ray  of  sun- 
shine  that  had  pierced  the  trees  and  found  its  way  to  her  face, 
retreated  a  yard  or  so,  and  crouched  beneath  the  pseudo  gipsy- 
tent.  And  what  so  natural  but  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  should 
also  find  the  sun  disagreeable,  and  should  follow  his  light  of  love, 
to  burn  his  wings  a  little  more,  and  flutter  round  her  fascinations' 
At  any  rate,  whether  natural  or  no,  Verdant  also  drew  back  a  yar 
or  so;  and  found  himself  half  within  the  cart-tilt,  and  very  clow 
to  Miss  Patty 


60         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN 

The  pic-nic  party  were  stretched  at  their  ease  upon  the  grass 
drinking  wine,  munching  fruit,  talking,  laughing,  and  flirting, 
with  the  blue  sea  hefore  them  and  the  bluer  sky  above  them, 
when  said  the  squire  in  heroic  strain,  "  Song  alone  is  wanting  to 
crown  our  feast !  Charles  Larky ns,  you  have  not  only  the  face 
of  a  sing<ir,  but,  as  we  all  know,  you  have  the  voice  of  one.  1 
therefore  call  upon  you  to  set  our  minstrels  an  example  ;  and,  as 
a  propitiatory  measure,  I  beg  to  propose  your  health,  with  eulo 
gistic  thanks  for  the  song  you  are  about  to  sing  !"  Which  was 
unanimously  seconded  amid  laughter  and  cheers  ;  and  the  pop  of 
the  champagne  bottles  gave  Charles  Larkyns  the  key-note  for  his 
song.  It  was  suited  to  the  occasion  (perhaps  it  was  composed  for 
it  ?),  being  a  paean  for  a  pic-nic,  and  it  stated  (in  chorus)— 

"  Then  these  aids  to  success 

Should  a  pic-nic  possess 
For  the  cup  of  its  joy  to  he  brimming : 
Three  things  there  should  shine 
Fair,  agreeable,  and  fine — 
The  Weather,  the  Wine,  and  the  Women  !" 

A.  rule  of  pic-nics  which,  if  properly  worked  out,  could  not  fail  to 
answer. 

Other  songs  followed;  and  Mr.  Poletiss,  being  a  young  gentle 
man  of  a  meek  appearance  and  still  meeker  voice,  lyrically  in 
formed  the  company  that  "  Oh!  he  was  a  pirate  bold,  The  scourge 
of  the  wide,  wide  sea,  With  a  murd'rous  thirst  for  gold,  And  a 
life  that  was  wild  and  free  !"  And  when  Mr.  Poletiss  arrived  at 
this  point,  he  repeated  the  last  word  two  or  three  times  over — just 
as  if  he  had  been  King  George  the  Third  visiting  Whitbread'a 
Brewery — 

"  Grains,  grains  !"  said  majesty,  "to  fill  their  crops  ? 
Grains,  grains!  that  comes  from  hops — yes,  hops,  hops,  hops !" 

So  Mr.  Poletiss  sang,  "And  a  life  that  was  wild  and  free,  free, 
free,  And  a  life  that  was  wild  and  free."  To  this  charming  lyric 
there  was  a  chorus  of,  "  Then  hurrah  for  the  pirate  bold,  And 
hurrah  for  the  rover  wild,  And  hurrah  for  the  yellow  gold,  And 
hurrah  for  the  ocean's  child  !"  the  mild  enunciation  of  which 
highly  moral  and  appropriate  chant  appeared  to  give  Mr.  Poletiss 
great  satisfaction,  as  he  turned  his  half-shut  eyes  to  the  sky,  and 
fashioned  his  mouth  into  a  smile.  Mr.  Bouncer's  love  for  a 
chorus  was  conspicuously  displayed  on  this  occasion  ;  and  Miss 
Eleonora  and  Miss  Letitia  Jane  Morkin  added  their  feeble  trebles 


THE  ADVEN*v*gES  OP  MR.  VEKDAHT  GREEN. 


61 


to  the  hurrahs  with  which  Mr.  Poletiss,  in  his  George  the  Third 
fashion,  meekly  hailed  the  advantages  to  be  derived  from  a  pirate's 
career. 


But  what  was  Mr.  Verdant  Green  doing  all  this  time  ?  The 
sunbeam  had  pursued  him,  and  proved  so  annoying  that  he  had 
found  it  necessary  to  withdraw  altogether  into  the  shade  of  the 
pseudo  gipsy-tent.  Miss  Patty  Honeywood  had  made  such  room 
for  him  that  she  was  entirely  hidden  from  the  rest  of  the  party 
by  the  rude  drapery  of  the  tent.  By  the  time  that  Mr.  Poletiss 
had  commenced  his  piratical  song,  Miss  Patty  and  Verdant  were 
deep  in  a  whispered  coLversation.  It  was  she  who  had  started 
the  conversation,  and  it  was  about  the  gipsy  and  her  fortune- 
telling. 

Just  when  Mr.  Poletiss  had  given  his  first  imitation  of  King 
George,  and  was  mildly  plunging  into  his  hurrah  chorus,  Mr. 
Verdant  Gre^n— whose  timidity,  fears,  and  depression  of  spirits 
had  somewhat  been  dispelled  and  alleviated  by  the  allied  Powera 
of  Miss  Patty  and  the  champagne— was  speaking  thus :  "And  « 
you  really  think  that  she  was  only  inventing,  and  that  the  dark 
man  she  spoke  of  was  a  creature  of  her  own  imagination  ?" 

"  Of  course  !"  answered  Miss  Patty ;  "  you  surely  don't  believe 
that  she  could  have  meant  any  one  in  particular,  either  m  tl 
gentleman's  case  or  in  the  lady's  ?" 

•'  But,  in  the  lady's,  she  evidently  described  you." 

"  Very  likely  !  just  as  she  would  have  described  any  otnei 
young  lady  who  might  have  chanced  to  be  with  you  :  Miss  MOT- 
kin,  for  example.  The  gipsy  knew  her  trade." 

13 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MK.  VERDANT  GREEK. 

"  Many  true  words  are  spoken  in  jest.  Perhaps  it  was  not 
altogether  idly  that  she  spoke  ;  perhaps  I  did  care  for  the  lady 
she  described." 

The  sunbeam  must  surely  have  penetrated  through  the  tent-'s 
coarse  covering,  for  both  Miss  Patty  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
were  becoming  very  hot — hotter  even  than  they  had  been  under 
the  apple-tree  in  the  orchard.  Mr.  Poletiss  was  all  this  time 
giving  his  imitations  of  George  the  Third,  and  lyrically  express 
ing  his  opinion  as  to  the  advantages  to  be  derived  from  the 
profession  of  a  pirate  ;  and,  as  his  song  was  almost  as  long  aa 
"  Chevy  Chase,"  and  mainly  consisted  of  a  chorus,  which  was 
energetically  led  by  Mr.  Bouncer,  there  was  noise  enough  made 
to  drown  any  whispered  conversation  in  the  pseudo  gipsy- tent. 

11  But,"  continued  Verdant,  *'  perhaps  the  lady  she  described 
did  not  care  for  me,  or  she  would  not  have  given  all  her  love  to 
the  dark  man.'* 

"  I  think,"  faltered  Miss  Patty,  "  the  gipsy  seemed  to  say  that 
the  lady  preferred  the  light  man.  But  you  do  not  believe  what 
she  told  you  ?" 

"  I  would  have  done  so  a  few  days  ago — if  it  had  been  repeated 
by  you." 

"  I  scarcely  know  what  you  mean." 

"  Until  to-day  I  had  hoped.  It  seems  that  I  have  built  my 
hopes  on  a  false  foundation,  and  one  word  of  yours  has  crumbled 
them  into  the  dust!" 

This  pretty  sentence  embodied  an  idea  that  he  had  stolen  from 
his  own  Legend  of  the  Fair  Margaret.  He  felt  so  much  pride 
in  his  property  that,  as  Miss  Patty  looked  slightly  bewildered  and 
remained  speechless,  he  reiterated  the  little  quotation  about  his 
crumbling  hopes. 

"  Whatever  can  I  have  done,"  said  the  young  lady,  with  a 
smile,  "  to  cause  such  a  ruin  ?" 

"  It  caused  you  no  pain  to  utter  the  words,"  replied  Verdant ; 
"and  why  should  it?  but,  to  me,  they  tolled  the  knell  of  my 
happiness."  (This  was  another  quotation  from  his  Legend.) 

"  Then  hurrah  for  the  pirate  bold,  And  hurrah  for  the  rover 
wild  !"  sang  the  meek  Mr.  Poletiss. 

Miss  Patty  Honey  wood  began  to  suspect  that  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  had  taken  too  much  champagne  I 

"  What  do  you  mean  ?"  she  said.  "  Whatever  have  I  said  or 
done  to  you  that  you  make  use  of  such  remarkable  expressions  ?** 

"  Arid  hurrah  for  the  yellow  gold,  And  hurrah  for  the  ooeuui 
child  !"  chorussed  Messrs.  Poletiss,  Bouncer,  and  Co* 


THE  ADVENTURES  OP  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


63 


Looking  as  sentimental  as  his   spectacles  would  allow,  Mr. 
Verdant  Green  replied  in  verse — 

" '  Hopes  that  once  we've  loved  to  cherish 
May  fade  and  droop,  but  never  perish  J ' 

as  Shakspeare  says."  (Although  he  modestly  attributed  this  senti 
merit  to  the  Swan  of  Avon,  it  was,  nevertheless,  another  quota* 
tion  from  his  own  Legend.)  "  And  it  is  my  case  /  cannot 
forget  the  Past,  though  you  may  I" 


M  Really  you  are  as  enigmatical  as  the  Sphinx !"  said  M/«*i 
Patty,  who  again  thought  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green  in  connection 
with  champagne.  '•  Pray  condescend  to  speak  more  plainly,  foi 
I  was  never  clever  at  finding  out  riddles." 

"  And  have  you  forgotten  what  you  said  to  me,  in  reply  to  a 
question  that  I  asked  you,  as  we  came  up  the  hill  ?" 

"  Yes,  I  have  quite  forgotten.  I  dare  say  I  said  many  foolish 
things ;  but  what  was  the  particular  foolish  thing  that  so  dwells 
on  your  mind  ?" 

"  If  it  is  so  soon  forgotten,  it  is  not  worth  repeating." 

"  Oh,  it  is !  Pray  gratify  my  curiosity.  I  am  sorry  my  bad 
memory  should  have  given  you  any  pain." 

44  It  was  not  your  bad  memory,  but  your  words." 

"  My  bad  words  ?" 

"  No,  not  bad ;  but  words  that  shut  out  a  bright  future,  and 
changed  my  life  to  gloom."  (The  Legend  again. 

Miss  Patty  looked  more  perplexed  than  ever;  while  Mr.  Pole- 


64         THE  ADVENTUEES  OF  MB.  VEEDANT  QEEEN. 

tiss  politely  filled  up  the  gap  of  silence  with  an  imitation  of  King 
George  the  Third. 

"  I  really  do  not  know  what  you  mean,"  said  Miss  Patty.  "  If 
I  have  said  or  done  anything  that  has  caused  you  pain,  I  can 
assure  you  it  was  quite  unwittingly  on  my  part,  and  I  am  very 
sorry  for  it ;  but,  if  you  will  tell  me  what  it  was,  perhaps  I  may 
be  able  to  explain  it  away,  and  disabuse  your  mind  of  a  false 
impression." 

"  I  am  quite  sure  that  you  did  not  intend  to  pain  me,"  replied 
Verdant ;  "  and  I  know  that  it  was  presumptuous  in  me  to  think 
as  I  did.  It  was  scarcely  probable  that  you  would  feel  as  I  felt ; 
and  I  ought  to  have  made  up  my  mind  to  it,  and  have  borne  my 
Bufferings  with  a  patient  heart."  (The  Legend  again!)  "And 
yet  when  the  shock  does  come,  it  is  very  hard  to  be  borne." 

Miss  Patty's  bright  eyes  were  dilated  with  wonder,  and  she 
again  thought  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green  in  connection  with  cham 
pagne.  Mr.  Poletiss  was  still  taking  his  pirate  through  all  sorts 
of  flats  and  sharps,  and  chromatic  imitations  of  King  George. 

"  But,  what  is  this  shock  ?"  asked  Miss  Patty.  "  Perhaps  I 
can  relieve  it;  and  I  ought  to  do  so  if  it  came  through  my 
means." 

"You  cannot  help  me,"  said  Verdant.  "  My  suspicions  were 
confirmed  by  your  words,  and  they  have  sealed  my  fate." 

'•  But  you  have  not  yet  told  me  what  those  words  were,  and  I 
must  really  insist  upon  knowing,"  said  Miss  Patty,  who  had  begun 
to  look  very  seriously  perplexed. 

"  And,  can  you  have  forgotten !"  was  the  reply.  "  Do  you  not 
remember,  that,  as  we  came  up  the  hill,  I  put  a  certain  question 
to  you  about  Mr.  Delaval  having  proposed  and  having  been 
accepted  ?" 

"  Yes  !  I  remember  it  very  well !     And,  what  then  ?" 

"And,  what  then!"  echoed  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  in  the  greatest 
wonder  at  the  young  lady's  calmness  ;  "  what  then  !  why,  when 
you  told  me  that  he  had  been  accepted,  was  not  that  sufficient  for 
me  to  know  ? — to  know  that  all  my  love  had  been  given  to  one 
who  was  another's,  and  that  all  my  hopes  were  blighted !  was 
not  this  sufficient  to  crush  me,  and  to  change  the  colour  of  my 
life?"  And  Verdant 's  face  showed  that,  though  he  might  be 
quoting  from  his  Legend,  he  was  yet  speaking  from  his  heart. 

"  Oh  !  I  little  expected  this !"  faltered  Miss  Patty,  in  real 
grief;  "  I  little  thought  of  this.  Why  did  you  not  speak  sooner 
to  some  one — to  me,  for  instance — and  have  spared  yourself 
this  misery  ?  If  you  had  been  earlier  made  acquainted  with  Fre- 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.         61 

derick's  attachment,  you  might  then  have  checked  your  own.  I 
did  not  ever  dream  of  this  !  "  And  Miss  Patty,  who  had  tun. el 
pale,  and  trembled  with  agitation,  could  not  restrain  a  tear. 

"  It  is  very  kind  of  you  thus  to  feel  for  me  !  "  said  Verdant ; 
•'  and  all  I  ask  is,  that  you  will  still  remain  my  friend." 

•'  Indeed,  I  will.  And  I  am  sure  Kitty  will  always  wish  to  be 
the  same.  She  will  be  sadly  grieved  to  hear  of  this  ;  for,  1 
can  assure  you  that  she  had  no  suspicion  you  were  attached  to 
her." 

"  Attached  to  HER  !  "  cried  Verdant,  with  vast  surprise. 
"  What  ever  do  you  mean  ?  " 

"  Have  you  not  been  telling  me  of  your  secret  love  for  her  ?  " 
answered  Miss  Patty,  who  again  turned  her  thoughts  to  the 
champagne. 

"  Love  for  her  ?     No  !  nothing  of  the  kind." 

"  What  I  and  not  spoken  about  your  grief  when  I  told  you  that 
Frederick  Delaval  had  proposed  to  her,  and  had  been  accepted?" 

*'  Proposed  to  her  /"  cried  Verdant,  in  a  kind  of  dreamy  swoon. 

"  Yes  !  to  whom  else  do  you  suppose  he  would  propose  ?  " 

"Toym*/" 

"  To  ME  !  " 

"  Yes,  to  you !  Why,  have  you  not  been  telling  me  that  you 
were  engaged  to  him  ?  " 

"  Telling  you  that  I  was  engaged  to  Fred ! w  rejoined  Miss 
Patty.  "  Why,  what  could  put  such  an  idea  into  your  head  ? 
Fred  is  engaged  to  Kitty.  You  asked  me  if  it  was  not  so  ;  and  I 
told  you,  yes,  but  that  it  was  a  secret  at  present.  Why,  then 
of  whom  were  you  talking  ?  " 

"  Of  you !  " 

"Ofw*?" 

"Yes,  of  you!  "  And  the  scales  fell  from  the  eyes  of  both, 
and  they  saw  their  mutual  mistake. 

There  was  a  silence,  which  Verdant  was  the  first  to  break. 

"  It  seems  that  love  is  really  blind.  I  now  perceive  how  we 
have  been  playing  at  cross  questions  and  crooked  answers.  When 
I  asked  you  about  Mr.  Delaval,  my  thoughts  were  wholly  of  you, 
and  I  spoke  of  you,  and  not  of  your  sister,  as  you  imagined  ;  and 
I  fancied  that  you  answered  not  for  your  sister,  but  for  yourself. 
When  I  spoke  of  my  attachment,  it  did  not  refer  to  yoor  sister, 
but  to  you." 

"  To  me  ?  "  softly  said  Miss  Patty,  as  a  delicious  tremor  s 
over  her. 


66         THE  ADVENTURES  OP  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

"  To  you,  and  to  you  alone,"  answered  Verdant.  The  great 
gtumbling-block  of  his  doubts  was  now  removed,  and  his  way  lay 
clear «before  him.  Then,  after  a  momentary  pause  to  nerve  Ms 
determination,  and  without  further  prelude,  or  beating  about  the 
bush,  he  said,  "  Patty — my  dear  Miss  Honeywood — I  lave  you  \ 
do  you  love  me  ?  " 

There  it  was  at  last !  The  dreaded  question  over  which  he 
had  passed  so  many  hours  of  thought,  was  at  length  spoken. 
The  elaborate  sentences  that  he  had  devised  for  its  introduction, 
had  all  been  forgotten ;  and  his  artificial  flowers  of  oratory  had 
been  exchanged  for  those  simpler  blossoms  of  honesty  and  truth 
— "  I  love  you — do  you  love  me?"  He  had  imagined  that  he 
should  put  the  question  to  her  when  they  were  alone  in  some 
quiet  room ;  or,  better  still,  when  they  were  wandering  together 
in  some  sequestered  garden  walk  or  shady  lane  ;  and,  now,  here 
he  had  unexpectedly,  and  undesignedly,  found  his  opportunity  at 
a  pic-nic  dinner,  with  half  a  hundred  people  close  beside  him,  and 
his  ears  assaulted  with  a  songster's  praises  of  piracy  and  murder. 
Strange  accompaniments  to  a  declaration  of  the  tender  passion  ! 
But,  like  others  before  him,  he  had  found  that  there  was  no  such 
privacy  as  that  of  a  crowd — the  fear  of  interruption  probably 
adding  a  spur  to  determination,  while  the  laughter  and  busy  talk 
ing  of  others  assist  to  fill  up  awkward  pauses  of  agitation  in  the 
converse  of  the  loving  couple. 

Despite  the  heat,  Miss  Patty's  cheeks  paled  for  a  moment,  as 
Verdant  put  to  her  that  question,  "  Do  you  love  me  ?  "  Then  a 
deep  blush  stole  over  them,  as  she  whispered  "  I  do." 

What  need  for  more  ?  what  need  for  pressure  of  hands  or  lips, 
and  vows  of  love  and  constancy  ?  What  need  even  lor  the  elder 
and  more  desperate  of  the  Miss  Morkins  to  maliciously  suggest 
that  Mr.  Poletiss — who  had  concluded,  amid  a  great  display  of 
approbation  (probably  because  it  was  concluded)  his  mild  piratical 
chant,  and  his  imitations  of  King  George  the  Third — should  call 
upon  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who,  as  she  understood,  was  a  very 
good  singer  ?  "  And,  dear  me  !  where  could  he  have  gone  to,  when 
he  was  here  just  now,  you  know  !  and,  good  gracious !  why  there 
he  was,  under  the  cart-tilt — and  well,  I  never  was  so  surprised — 
Miss  Martha  Honeywood  with  him,  flirting  now,  I  dare  say  ? 
shouldn't  you  think  so?" 

No  need  for  this  stroke  of  generalship  !  No  need  for  Miss 
Letitia  Jane  Morkin  to  prompt  Miss  Fanny  Green  to  bring  her 
brother  out  of  his  retirement.  No  need  for  Mr.  Frederick  DelavaJ 


THE  ADVENTUBES  OP  MR.  VEBDANT  GREEN.        6' 

to  say  "  I  thought  you  were  never  going  to  slip  from  your  moor 
ings  !  "  Or  for  little  Mr.  Bouncer  to  cry,  "  Yoicks  !  unearthed  at 
last !  "  No  need  for  anything,  save  the  parental  sanction  to  the 
newly-formed  engagement.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  proposed, 
and  had  been  accepted ;  and  Miss  Patty  Honeywood  could  ex 
claim  with  Schiller's  heroine,  "  Ich  babe  gelebt  und  geliebet  t— 
1  have  lived,  and  have  loved !  * 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEJf. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

MR.  VERDANT  GREEN  ASKS  PAPA. 

ISS  MORKIN  met  with  her  r* 
ward  before  many  hours.  The 
pic-nic  party  were  on  their  way 
home,  and  had  reached  within  a 
short  distance  of  the  inn  where 
their  wagons  had  to  be  exchanged 
for  carriages.  It  has  been  men 
tioned  that, among  the  difficulties 
of  the  way,  they  had  to  drive 
through  bridgeless  brooks ;  and 
one  of  these  was  not  half-a-mile 
distant  from  the  inn. 

It  happened  that  the  mild  Mr.  Poletiss  was  seated  at  the  tail 
end  of  the  wagon,  next  to  the  fair  Miss  Morkin,  who  was  laying 
violent  siege  to  him,  with  a  battery  of  words,  if  not  of  charms.  If 
the  position  of  Mr.  Poletiss,  as  to  deliverance  from  his  fair  foe, 
was  a  difficult  one,  his  position,  as  to  maintaining  his  seat  during 
the  violent  throes  and  tossings  to  and  fro  of  the  wagon,  was  even 
more  difficult ;  for  Mr.  Poletiss's  mildness  of  voice  was  surpassed 
by  his  mildness  of  manner,  and  he  was  far  too  timid  to  grasp  at 
the  side  of  the  wagon  by  placing  his  arm  behind  the  fair  Miss 
Morkin,  lest  it  should  be  suppose^  that  he  was  assuming  the 
privileged  position  of  a  partner  in  a  valse.  Mr.  Poletiss,  therefore, 
whenever  they  jolted  through  ruts  or  brooks,  held  on  to  his  hay 
hassock,  and  preserved  his  equilibrium  as  best  he  could. 

On  the  same  side  of  the  wagon,  but  at  its  upper  and  safer  end, 
was  seated  Mr.  Bouncer,  who  was  not  slow  to  perceive  that  a  very 
slight  accident  would  destroy  Mr.  Poletiss's  equilibrium ;  and  the 
little  gentleman's  fertile  brain  speedily  concocted  a  plan,  which 
he  forthwith  communicated  to  Miss  Fanny  Green,  who  sat  next 
to  him.  It  was  this  : — that  when  they  were  plunging  through 
the  brook,  and  every  one  was  swaying  to  and  fro,  and  was  thrown 
off  their  balance,  Mr.  Bouncer  should  take  advantage  of  the 
critical  moment,  and  (by  accident,  of  course  !)  give  Miss  Fanny 
Green  a  heavy  push ;  this  would  drive  her  against  her  nejLt 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.         6fl 

neighbour,  Miss  Patty  Honey  wood  ;  who,  from  the  recoil,  would 
literally  be  precipitated  into  the  arms  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who 
would  be  pushed  against  Miss  Letitia  Jane  Morkin,  who  would 
be  driven  against  her  sister,  who  would  be  propelled  against  Mr. 
Poletiss,  and  thus  give  him  that  coup  de  grace,  which,  as  Mr. 
Bouncer  hoped,  would  have  the  effect  of  quietly  tumbling  him 
out  of  the  wagon,  and  partially  ducking  him  in  the  brook.  "  It 
won't  hurt  him,"  said  the  little  gentleman ;  "  it'll  do  him  good. 
The  brook  ain't  deep,  and  a  bath  will  be  pleasant  such  a  day  as 
this.  He  can  dry  his  clothes  at  the  inn,  and  get  some  steaming 
toddy,  if  he's  afraid  of  catching  cold.  And  it  will  be  such  a  lark 
to  see  him  in  the  water.  Perhaps  Miss  Morkin  will  take  a  header, 
and  plunge  in  to  save  him ;  and  he  will  promise  her  his  hand, 
and  a  medal  from  the  Humane  Society!  The  wagon  will  be 
sure  to  give  a  heavy  lurch  as  we  come  up  out  of  the  brook,  and 
what  so  natural  as  that  we  should  all  be  jolted  against  each 
other?"  It  is  not  necessary  to  state  whether  or  no  Miss  Fanny 
Green  seconded  or  opposed  Mr.  Bouncer's  motion ;  suffice  it  to 
say  that  it  was  carried  out. 

They  had  reached  the  brook.  Miss  Morkin  was  exclaiming, 
"  Oh,  dear  I  here's  another  of  those  dreadful  brooks — the  last,  I 
hope,  for  I  always  feel  so  timid  at  water,  and  I  never  bathe  at  the 
sea-side  without  shutting  my  eyes  and  being  pushed  into  it  by 
the  old  woman — and,  my  goodness !  here  we  are,  and  I  feel  con 
vinced  that  we  shall  all  be  thrown  in  by  those  dreadful  wagoners, 
who  are  quite  tipsy  I'm  sure — don't  you  think  so,  Mr.  Poletiss?  " 

But,  ere  Mr.  Poletiss  could  meekly  respond,  the  horses  had 
been  quickened  into  a  trot,  the  wagon  had  gone  down  into  the 
brook — through  it — and  was  bounding  up  the  opposite  side— 
everybody  was  holding  tightly  to  anything  that  came  nearest  to 
hand — when,  at  that  fatal  moment,  little  Mr.  Bouncer  gave  th« 
preconcerted  push,  which  was  passed  on,  unpremeditatedly,  from 
one  to  another,  until  it  had  gained  its  electrical  climax  in  the 
person  of  Miss  Morkin,  who,  with  a  shriek,  was  propelled  against 
Mr.  Poletiss,  and  gave  the  necessary  momentum  that  toppled  him 
from  the  wagon  into  the  brook.  But,  dreadful  to  relate,  Mr. 
Bouncer's  practical  joke  did  not  terminate  at  this  fixed  point. 
Mr.  Poletiss,  in  the  suddenness  of  his  fall,  naturally  struck  out 
at  any  straw  that  might  save  him ;  and  the  straw  that  he  caught 
was  the  dress  of  Miss  Morkin.  She  being  at  that  moment  off 
her  balance,  and  the  wagon  moving  rapidly  at  an  angle  of  45°, 
was  unable  to  save  herself  from  following  the  example  of  Mr. 
Poletiss,  and  she  also  toppled  over  into  the  brook.  A  third 

13* 


TO 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


victim  would  have  been  added  to  Mr.  Bouncer's  list,  had  not  Mr 
Verdant  Green,  with  considerable  presence  of  mind,  plucked 
Miss  Letitia  Jane  Morkin  from  the  violent  hands  that  her  sistef 
was  laying  upon  her,  in  making  the  same  endeavours  after  safety 
that  had  been  so  futilely  employed  by  the  luckless  Mr.  Poletiss. 
No  sooner  had  he  fallen  with  a  splash  into  the  brook,  than 
Miss  Eleonora  Morkin  was  not  only  after  but  upon  him.  This 
was  so  far  fortunate  for  the  lady,  that  it  released  her  with  only  a 
partial  wetting,  and  she  speedily  rolled  from  off  her  submerged 
companion  on  to  the  shore ;  but  it  rendered  the  ducking  of  Mr. 
Poletiss  a  more  complete  one,  and  he  scrambled  from  the  brook, 
dripping  and  heavy  with  wet,  like  an  old  ewe  emerging  from  a 
sheep-shearing  tank.  The  wagon  had  been  immediately  stopped, 
and  Mr.  Bouncer  and  the  other  gentlemen  had  at  once  sprung 
down  to  Miss  Morkin 's  assistance.  Being  thus  surrounded  by  a 
male  body-guard,  the  young  lady  could  do  no  less  than  go  into 
hysterics,  and  fall  into  the  nearest  gentleman's  arms,  and  as  this 


gentleman  was  little  Mr.  Bouncer  he  was  partially  punished  for 
his  practical  joke.  Indeed,  he  afterwards  declared  that  a  severe 
cold  which  troubled  him  for  the  next  fortnight  was  attributable  to 
his  having  held  in  his  arms  the  damp  form  of  the  dishevelled 
naiad.  On  her  recovery — which  was  effected  by  Mr.  Bouncer 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.        71 

giving  way  under  his  burden,  and  lowering  it  to  the  ground — she 
utterly  refused  to  be  again  carried  in  the  wagon;  and,  as  walking 
was  perhaps  better  for  her  under  the  circumstances,  she  and  Mr 
Poletiss  were  escorted  in  procession  to  the  inn  hard  by,  where 
dry  changes  of  costume  were  provided  for  them  by  the  landlord 
and  his  fair  daughter. 

As  this  little  misadventure  was  believed  by  all,  save  the  privi 
leged  few,  to  have  been  purely  the  result  of  accident,  it  was  not 
permitted,  so  Mr.  Bouncer  said,  to  do  as  Miss  Morkin  had  done 
by  him- — throw  a  damp  upon  the  party ;  and  as  the  couple  'vho 
had  taken  a  watery  bath  met  with  great  sympathy,  they  had  no 
reason  to  complain  of  the  incident.  Especially  had  the  fair  Miss 
Morkin  cause  to  rejoice  therein,  for  the  mild  Mr.  Poletiss  had  to 
make  her  so  many  apologies  for  having  been  the  innocent  cause 
of  her  fall,  and,  as  a  reparation,  felt  bound  to  so  particularly 
devote  himself  to  her  for  the  remainder  of  the  evening,  that  Miss 
Morkin  was  in  the  highest  state  of  feminine  gratification,  and 
observed  to  her  sister,  when  they  were  preparing  themselves  for 
rest,  "  I  am  quite  sure,  Letitia  Jane,  that  the  gipsy  woman 


spoke  the  truth,  and  could  read  the  stars  and  whatdyecallems 
as  easy  as  a  b  c.    She  told  me  that  I  should  be  married  to  a  man 
with  li«ht  whiskers  and  a  soft  voice,  and  that  he  would  come 
me  from  over  the  water;  and  it's  quite  evident  that  she  r 
to  Mr.  Poletiss  and  his  falling  into  the  brook;  and 
he'd  have  had  a  proper  opportunity  he'd  have  said  i 
definite  to-night."    So  Miss  Eleonora  Morkin  laid  her  head  upoc 


78         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEK. 

her  pillow,  and  dreamt  of  bride-cake  and  wedding-favours.  Per 
haps  another  young  lady  under  the  same  roof  .was  dreaming  the 
same  thing ! 

A  ball  at  Honeywood  Hall  terminated  the  pleasures  of  the  day. 
The  guests  had  brought  with  them  a  change  of  garments,  and 
"were  therefore  enabled  to  make  their  reappearance  in  evening 
costume.  This  quiet  interval  for  dressing  was  the  first  moment 
that  Verdant  could  secure  for  sitting  down  by  himself  to  think 
over  the  events  of  the  day.  As  yet  the  time  was  too  early  for 
hiL?  to  reflect  calmly  on  the  step  he  had  taken.  His  brain  was 
in  tht;t  kind  of  delicious  stupor  which  we  experience  when,  having 
been  aroused  from  sleep,  we  again  shut  our  eyes  for  a  moment's 
doze.  Past,  present,  and  future  were  agreeably  mingled  in  his 
fancies.  One  thought  quickly  followed  upon  another ;  there  was 
no  dwelling  upon  one  special  point,  but  a  succession  of  crowding 
feelings  chased  rapidly  through  his  mind,  all  pervaded  by  that 
sunny  hue  that  shines  out  from  the  knowledge  of  love  returned. 

He  could  not  rest  until  he  had  told  his  sister  Mary,  and  made 
her  a  sharer  in  his  happiness.  He  found  her  just  without  the 
door,  strolling  up  and  down  the  drive  with  Charles  Larkyns,  so 
he  joined  them  ;  and,  as  they  walked  in  the  pleasant  cool  of  the 
evening  down  a  shady  walk,  he  stammered  out  to  them,  with 
many  blushes,  that  Patty  Honeywood  had  promised  to  be  his 
wife. 

"  Cousin  Patty  is  the  very  girl  for  you ! "  said  Charles  Lar 
kyns,  "  the  very  best  choice  you  could  have  made.  She  will  trim 
you  up  and  keep  you  tight,  as  old  Tennyson  hath  it.  For  what 
says  « the  fat-faced  curate  Edward  Bull  ?' 

** '  I  take  it,  God  made  the  woman  for  the  man 
And  for  the  good  and  increase  of  the  world, 
A  pretty  face  is  well,  and  this  is  well, 
To  have  a  dame  indoors,  that  trims  us  up 
And  keeps  us  tight.' 

'•  Verdant,  you  are  a  lucky  fellow  to  have  won  the  love  of  such 
a  good  and  honest-hearted  girl,  and  if  there  is  any  room  left  to 
mould  you  into  a  better  fellow  than  what  you  are,  Miss  Patty  is 
the  very  one  for  the  modeller." 

At  the  same  time  that  he  was  thus  being  congratulated  on  his 
good  fortune  and  happy  prospects,  Miss  Patty  was  making  a 
similar  confession  to  her  mother  and  sister,  and  receiving  the  like 
good  wishes.  And  it  is  probable  that  Mrs.  Honeywood  made  nc 
delay  in  communicating  this  piece  of  family  news  to  her  liegi 


THK  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN.         78 

lord  and  master ;  for  when,  half  an  hour  afterwards,  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  had  screwed  up  his  courage  sufficiently  to  enable  him  to 
request  a  private  interview  with  Mr.  Honey  wood  in  the  library, 
the  Squire  most  humanely  relieved  him  from  a  large  load  of 
embarrassment,  and  checked  the  hems  and  hums  and  haws  that 
our  hero  was  letting  off  like  squibs,  to  enliven  his  conversation, 
by  saying,  "  I  think  I  guess  the  nature  of  your  errand — to  ask 
my  consent  to  your  engagement  with  my  daughter  Martha  ? 
Am  I  right?" 

And  so,  by  this  grateful  helping  of  a  very  lame  dog  over  a  very 
difficult  stile,  the  diplomatic  relations  and  circumlocutions  that 
are  usually  observed  at  horrible  interviews  of  this  description 
were  altogether  avoided,  and  the  business  was  speedily  brought  to 
a  satisfactory  termination. 

When  Mr.  Verdant  Green  issued  from  the  library,  he  felt 
himself  at  least  ten  years  older  and  a  much  more  important  per 
son  than  when  he  had  entered  it,  so  greatly  is  our  bump  of  self- 
esteem  increased  by  the  knowledge  that  there  is  a  being  in 
existence  who  holds  us  dearer  than  aught  else  in  the  whole  wide 
world.  But  not  even  a  misogynist  would  have  dared  to  assert 
that,  in  the  present  instance,  love  was  but  an  excess  of  self-love ; 
for  if  ever  there  was  a  true  attachment  that  honestly  sprang  from 
the  purest  feelings  of  the  heart,  it  was  that  which  existed  between 
Miss  Patty  Honey  wood  and  Mr.  Verdant  Green. 

What  need  to  dwell  further  on  the  daily  events  of  that  happy 
time  ?  What  need  to  tell  how  the  several  engagements  of  the 
two  Miss  Honey  woods  were  made  known,  and  how,  with  Miss 
Mary  Green  and  Mr.  Charles  Larkyns,  there  were  thus  three 
bonp  fide  "  engaged  couples  "  in  the  house  at  the  same  time,  to 
say  nothing  of  what  looked  like  an  embryo  engagement  between 
Miss  Fanny  Green  and  Mr.  Bouncer?  But  if  this  last-named 
attachment  should  come  to  anything,  it  would  probably  be  owing 
to  the  severe  aggravation  which  the  little  gentleman  felt  on 
continually  finding  himself  de  trap  at  some  scene  of  tender  sen 
timent. 

If,  for  example,  he  entered  the  library,  its  tenants,  perhaps, 
would  be  Verdant  and  Patty,  who  would  be  discovered,  with 
agitated  expressions,  standing  or  sitting  at  intervals  of  three 
yards,  thereby  endeavouring  to  convey  to  the  spectator  the  idea 
that  those  positions  had  been  relatively  maintained  by  them  up 
to  the  moment  of  his  entering  the  room,  an  idoa  which  the  spec 
tator  invariably  rejected.     When  Mr.  Bouncer  had  ret: 
figurative  Eastern  apologies  from  the  library,  he  would  perhaps 


74         THE  ADVENTUEES  OF  MR.  VEEDANT  GEEEN. 

enter  the  drawing-room,  there  to  find  that  Frederick  Delaral  and 
Miss  Kitty  Honeywood  had  sprung  into  remote  positions  (aa 
certain  bodies  rebound  upon  contact),  and  were  regarding  him  as 
an  unwelcome  intruder.  Thence,  with  more  apologies,  he  would 
betake  himself  to  the  breakfast- room,  to  see  what  was  going  on 
in  that  quarter,  and  there  he  would  flush  a  third  brace  of  be- 
trotheds,  a  proceeding  that  was  not  much  sport  to  either  party. 
It  could  hardly  be  a  matter  of  surprise,  therefore,  if  Mr.  Bouncer 
should  be  seized  with  the  prevailing  epidemic,  and,  from  the 
circumstances  of  his  position,  should  be  driven  more  than  he 
might  otherwise  have  been  into  Miss  Fanny  Green's  society. 
And  though  the  little  gentleman  had  no  serious  intentions  in  all 
this,  yet  it  seemed  highly  probable  that  something  might  come 
of  it,  and  that  Mr.  Alfred  Brindle  (whose  attentions  at  the 
Christmas  charade-party  at  the  Manor  Green  had  been  of  so 
marked  a  character)  would  have  to  resign  his  pretensions  to  Miss 
Fanny  Green's  hand  in  favour  of  Mr.  Henry  Bouncer. 

But  it  is  needless  to  describe  the  daily  lives  of  these  betrothed 
couples — how  they  rode,  and  sketched,  and  walked,  and  talked, 
and  drove,  and  fished,  and  shot,  and  visited,  and  pic-nic'd — 
how  they  went  out  to  sea  in  Frederick  Delaval's  yacht,  and  were 
overtaken  by  rough  weather,  and  became  so  unromantically  ill 
that  they  prayed  to  be  put  on  shore  again — how,  on  a  chosen 
day,  when  the  sea  was  as  calm  as  a  duckpond,  they  sailed  from 
Bamborough  to  the  Longstone,  and  nevertheless  took  provisions 
with  them  for  three  days,  because,  if  storms  should  arise,  they 
might  have  found  it  impossible  to  put  back  from  the  island  to 
the  shore ;  but  how,  nevertheless,  they  were  altogether  fortunate, 
and  had  not  to  lengthen  out  their  pic-nic  to  such  an  uncomfort 
able  extent — and  how  they  went  over  the  Lighthouse,  and  talked 
about  the  brave  and  gentle  Grace  Darling ;  and  how  that  hand 
some,  grey  headed  old  man,  her  father,  showed  them  the  presents 
that  had  been  sent  to  his  daughter  by  Queen,  and  Lords,  and 
Commons,  in  token  of  her  deed  of  daring ;  and  how  he  was  garru 
lous  about  them  and  her,  with  the  pardonable  pride  of  a 

"  fond  old  man, 
Fourscore  and  upward," 

who  had  been  the  father  of  such  a  daughter.  It  is  needless  to 
detail  all  this ;  let  us  rather  pass  to  the  evening  of  the  day  pre« 
eectiug  that  which  should  see  the  group  of  yisitors  on  their  way 
back  to  Warwickshire. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.        75 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Miss  Patty  Honeywood  hare  l»een 
taking  a  farewell  after-dinner  stroll  in  the  garden,  and  have  now 
wandered  into  the  deserted  breakfast-room,  under  the  pretence  of 
finding  a  water-colour  drawing  of  Honeywood  Hall,  that  the  young 
lady  had  made  for  our  hero. 

"  Now,  you  must  promise  me,"  she  said  to  him,  "  that  you  will 
take  it  to  Oxford." 

"  Certainly,  if  I  go  there  again.     But  "— 
"  But,  sir !  but  I  thought  you  had  promised  to  give  up  to  me 
on  that  point.     You  naughty  boy  !    if  you  already  bveak  your 
promises  in  this  way,  who  knows  but  what  you  will  forget  your 
promise  to  remember  me  when  you  have  gone  away  from  here?" 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  here  did  what  is  usual  in  such  cases.     He 
kissed  the  young  lady,  and  said,  "  You  silly  little  woman  !  as 
though  I  could  forget  you ! "  et  cetera,  et  cetera. 
"  Ah !  I  don't  know,"  said  Miss  Patty. 
Mr.  Verdant  Green  repeated  the  kiss  and  the  et  ceteras. 
"  Very  well,  then,  I'll  believe  you,"  at  length  said  Miss  Patty. 
"  But  I  won't  love  you  one  bit  unless  you'll  faithfully  promise 
that  you  will  go  back  to  Oxford.     Whatever  would  be  the  use  of 
your  giving  up  your  studies?" 

"  A  great  de*al  of  use  ;  we  could  be  married  at  once." 
"  Oh  no,  we  couldn't.     Papa  is  quite  firm  on  this  point.     You 
know  that  he  thinks  us  much  too  young  to  be  married." 

"  But,"  pleaded  our  hero,  "  if  we  are  old  enough  to  fall  in  love, 
surely  we  must  be  old  enough  to  be  married." 

"  Oxford  logic  again,  I  suppose,"  laughed  Miss  Patty,  "  but  it 
won't  persuade  papa,  nevertheless.  I  am  not  quite  nineteen,  you 
know,  and  papa  has  always  said  that  I  should  never  be  married 
until  I  was  one-and-twenty.  By  that  time  you  will  have  done 
with  college  and  taken  your  degree,  and  I  should  so  like  to  know 
that  you  have  passed  all  your  examinations,  and  are  a  Bachelor 
of  Arts." 

"  But,"  said  Verdant,  "  I  don't  think  I  shall  be*  able  to  pass. 
Examinations  are  very  nervous  affairs,  and  suppose  I  should  be 
plucked.  You  wouldn't  like  to  marry  a  man  who  had'  disgraced 
himself." 

"Do  you  see   that   picture?"  asked  Miss   Patty;   and 
directed  Verdant's  attention  to  a  small  but  exquisite  oil-painting 
by  Maclise.     It  was  in  illustration  of  one  of  Moore's  melo-lies, 
"'Come,  rest  in  this  bosom,  my  own  stricken  deer!" 
had  fallen  upon  one  knee  at  his  mistress's  feet,  and  was 
in  her  embrace.     With  a  look  of  fondest  love  she  had  pillowed 


76         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GKEEN. 

his  head  upon  her  bosom,  as  if  to  assure  him,  "  Though  the  herd 
have  all  left  thee,  thy  home  it  is  here." 


"  Do  you  see  that  picture  ?"  asked  Miss  Patty.  "  I  would  do 
as  she  did.  If  all  others  rejected  you  yet  would  I  never.  You 
would  still  find  your  home  here,"  and  she  nestled  fondly  to  his 
side. 

"  But,"  she  said,  after  one  of  those  delightful  pauses  which 
lovers  know  so  well  how  to  fill  up,  "  you  must  not  conjure  up 
such  silly  fancies  Charles  has  often  told  me  how  easily  you 
passed  your— Little-go,  isn't  it  called  ? — and  he  says  you  will 
have  no  trouble  in  obtaining  your  degree." 

"But  two  years  is  such  a  tremendous  time  to  wait,"  urged  our 
hero,  who,  like  all  lovers,  was  anxious  to  crown  his  happinesf 
without  much  delay. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.        V 

"  If  yon  are  resolved  to  think  it  long,"  said  Miss  Patty ;  "  but 
it  will  enable  you  to  tell  whether  you  leally  like  me.  You  might, 
you  know,  marry  iv.  haste,  and  then  have  to  repent  at  leisure." 

And  the  end  of  this  conversation  was,  that  the  fair  special- 
pleader  gained  her  cause,  and  that  Mr.  Verdant  Green  consented 
to  return  to  Oxford,  and  not  to  dream  of  marriage  until  two  yearg 
had  passed  over  his  head. 

The  next  night  he  slept  at  the  Manor  Green,  Warwickshire. 


76 


THE  ADVENTURES  01"  MJB    VEBDANT 


CHAPTER  X, 

MB.  VERDANT  GREEN  IS  MADE  A  MASON. 

R.  VERDANT  GREEN  and  Mi 
Bouncer  were  once  more  in  Oxford, 
and  on  a  certain  morning  had  turned 
into  the  coffee-room  of  "  The  Mitre  " 
to    "do    bitters,"   as    Mr.    Bouncer 
phrased  the  act  of  drinking  bitter  beer,  when 
said  the  little  gentleman,  as  he  dangled  his 
legs  from  a  table, 

"  Giglamps,  old  feller !  you  ain't  a  mason." 
"  A  mason  !  of  course  not." 
"  And  why  do  you  say  '  of  course  not '  ?  " 
"  Why,  what  would  be  the  use  of  it  ?  " 
"  That's  what  parties  always  say,  my  tulip. 
Be  a  mason,  and  then  you'll  soon  see  the  use  of  it." 
"  But  I  am  independent  of  trade." 

"  Trade  ?  Oh,  I  twig.  My  gum,  Giglamps  !  you'll  be  the 
death  of  me  some  fine  day.  I  didn't  mean  a  mason  with  a  hod 
of  mortar  ;  he'd  be  a  hod-fellow,  don't  you  see  ? — there's  a  fine 
old  crusted  joke  for  you — I  meant  a  mason  with  a  petticut,  a 
freemason." 

"  Oh,  a  freemason.  Well,  I  really  don't  seem  to  care  much 
about  being  one.  As  far  as  I  can  see,  there's  a  great  deal  of 
mystery  and  very  little  use  in  it." 

"Oh,  that's  because  you  know  nothing  about  it.  If  you  were 
a  mason  you'd  soon  see  the  use  of  it.  For  one  thing,  ^hen  you 
go  abroad  you'd  find  it  no  end  of  a  help  to  you.  If  you'll  stand 
another  tankard  of  beer  I'll  tell  you  an  apropos  tale." 

So  when  a  fresh  supply  of  the  bitter  beverage  had  been  ordered 
and  brought,  little  Mr.  Bouncer,  perched  upon  the  table,  and 
dangling  his  legs,  discoursed  as  follows : — 

"  Last  Long,  Billy  Blades  went  on  to  the  continent,  and  in  the 
course  of  his  wanderings  he  came  across  some  gentlemen  who 
tux'-ned  out  to  be  bandits,  although  they  wern't  dressed  in  tall  hats 
and  ribbons,  and  scarves,  and  watches,  and  velvet  sit-upons,  like 
you  see  them  in  pictures  and  at  theatres ;  but  they  were  rough 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN.        79 

customers  for  all  that,  and  they  laid  hands  upon  Master  Billy, 
and  politely  asked  him  for  his  money  or  his  life.  Billy  wasn't 
inclined  to  give  them  either,  but  he  was  all  alone,  with  nothing 
but  his  knapsack  and  a  stick,  for  it  was  a  frequented  road,  and 
he  had  no  idea  that  there  were  such  things  as  banditti  in  exist 
ence.  Well,  as  you're  aware,  Giglamps,  Billy's  a  modern  Her 
cules,  with  an  unusual  development  of  biceps,  and  he  not  only 
sent  out  left  and  right,  and  gave  them  a  touch  of  Hammer  Lane 
and  the  Putney  Pet  combined,  but  he  also  applied  his  shoemaker 
to  another  gentleman's  tailor  with  considerable  effect.  However, 
this  didn't  get  him  kudos,  or  mend  matters  one  bit ;  and,  after 
being  knocked  about  much  more  than  was  agreeable  to  his  feel 
ings,  he  was  forced  to  yield  to  superior  numbers.  They  gagged 
and  blindfolded  him,  formed  him  into  a  procession,  and  marched 
him  off;  and  when  in  about  half-an-hour  they  again  let  him  have 
the  use  of  his  eyes  and  tongue,  he  found  himself  in  a  rude  hut, 
with  his  banditti  friends  around  him.  They  had  pistols,  and 
poniards,  and  long  knives,  with  which  they  made  threatening 
demonstrations.  They  had  cut  open  his  knapsack  and  tumbled 
out  its  contents,  but  not  a  sou  could  they  find;  for  Billy,  I  should 
have  told  you,  had  left  the  place  where  he  was  staying,  for  a  few 
days'  walking  tour,  and  he  had  only  taken  what  little  money  he 
required  ;  of  this  he  had  one  or  two  pieces  left,  which  he  gave 
them.  But  it  wouldn't  satisfy  the  beggars,  and  they  signified  to 
him — for  you  see,  Giglamps,  Billy  didn't  understand  a  quarter  of 
their  lingo — that  he  must  fork  out  with  his  tin  unless  he  wished 
to  be  forked  into  with  their  steel.  Pleasant  position,  wasn't  it?" 

"  Extremely." 

"  Well,  they  searched  him,  and  when  they  found  that  they 
really  couldn't  get  anything  more  out  of  him,  they  made  him 
understand  that  he  must  write  to  some  one  for  a  ransom,  and 
that  he  wouldn't  be  released  until  the  money  came.  Pleasant 
again,  wasn't  it?" 

"  Excessively.    But  what  has  all  this  to  do  with  freemasonry  ?" 

"  Giglamps,  you're  as  bad  as  a  girl  who  peeps  at  the  end  of  a 
novel  before  she  begins  to  read  it.  Drink  your  beer,  and  let  me 
tell  my  tale  in  my  own  way.  Well,  now  we  come  to  volume  the 
third,  chapter  the  last.  Master  Billy  found  that  there  was 
nothing  for  it  but  to  obey  orders,  so  he  sent  off  a  note  to  his 
banker,  stating  his  requirements.  As  soon  as  this  business  was 
transacted,  the  amiable  bandits  turned  to  pleasure,  and  produced 
a  bottle  of  wine,  of  v\  hich  thty  politely  asked  Billy  to  partake.  He 
thought  at  first  that  it  might  be  poison,  and  he  wasn't  very  far 


80 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


wrong,  for  it  was  most  villanous  stuff.     However,  the  other  fel 
lows  took  to  it  kindly,  and  got  more  amiable  than  ever  over  it ;  so 


much  so  that  they  offered  Billy  one  of  his  own  weeds,  and  they 
all  got  very  jolly,  and  were  as  thick  as  thieves.  Billy  made  him 
self  so  much  at  home — he's  a  beggar  that  can  always  adapt 
himself  to  circumstances — that  at  last  the  chief  bandit  proposed 
his  health,  and  then  they  all  shook  hands  with  him.  Well,  now 
comes  the  moral  of  my  story.  When  the  captain  of  the  bandits 
was  drinking  Billy's  health  in  this  flipper-shaking  way,  it  all  at 
once  occurred  to  Billy  to  give  him  the  masonic  grip.  I  must  not 
tell  you  what  it  was,  but  he  gave  it,  and,  lo  and  behold !  the 
bandit  returned  it.  Both  Billy  and  the  bandit  opened  their  eyes 
pretty  considerably  at  this.  The  bandit  also  opened  his  arms 
and  embraced  his  captive ;  and  the  long  and  short  of  it  was  that 
he  begged  Billy's  pardon  for  the  trouble  and  delay  they  had 
caused  him,  returned  him  his  money  and  knapsack,  and  all  the 
weeds  that  were  not  smoked,  set  aside  the  ransom,  and  escorted 
him  back  to  the  high  road,  guaranteeing  him  a  free  and  unmo 
lested  passage  if  he  should  come  that  way  again.  And  all  thia 
because  Billy  was  a  mason  ;  so  you  see,  Giglamps,  what  use  it  is 
to  a  feller.  But,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  as  he  ended  his  tale, 
"talking's  monstrously  dry  work.  So,  I  looks  to-wards  you, 
Giglamps !  10  which,  if  you  wish  to  do  the  correct  thing,  you 
should  reply  '  I  likewise  bows ! ' "  And,  little  Mr.  Bouncer, 


THE  -ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.  81 

innking  affably  to  his  friend,  raised  the  silver  tankard  to  his  !ips» 
and  kept  it  there  for  the  space  of  ten  seconds. 

"  I  suppose,"  said  Verdant,  "  that  the  real  moral  of  your  story 
is,  that  I  must  become  a  freemason,  because  I  might  travel 
abroad  and  be  attacked  by  a  scamp  who  was  also  a  freemason. 
Now,  I  think  I  had  better  decline  joining  a  society  that  numbers 
banditti  among  its  members." 

"  Oh,  but  that  was  an  exceptional  case.  I  dare  say,  if  the  truth 
was  known,  Billy's  friend  had  once  been  a  highly  respectable 
party,  and  had  paid  his  water-rate  and  income-tax  like  any  other 
civilised  being.  But  all  masons  are  not  like  Billy's  friend,  and 
the  more  you  know  of  them  the  more  you'll  thank  me  tor  having 
advised  you  to  join  them.  But  it  isn't  altogether  that.  Every 
Oxford  man  who  is  really  a  man  is  a  mason,  and  that,  Giglamps, 
is  quite  a  sufficient  reason  why  you  should  be  one." 

So  Verdant  said,  Very  well,  he  had  no  objection;  and  little 
Mr.  Bouncer  promised  to  arrange  the  necessary  preliminaries. 
What  these  were  will  be  seen  if  we  advance  the  progress  of  eventg 
a  few  days  later. 

Messrs.  Bouncer,  Blades,  Foote,  and  Flexible  Shanks — who 
were  all  masons,  and  could  affix  to  their  names  more  letters  than 
members  of  far  more  learned  societies  could  do — had  undertaken 
that  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  initiation  into  the  mysteries  of  the 
craft  should  be  altogether  a  private  one.  Verdant  felt  that  this 
was  exceedingly  kind  of  them  ;  for,  if  it  must  be  confessed,  he 
nad  adopted  the  popular  idea  that  the  admission  of  members  was 
in  some  way  or  other  connected  with  the  free  use  of  a  red-hot 
poker,  and  though  he  was  reluctant  to  breathe  his  fears  on  this 
point,  yet  he  looked  forward  to  the  ceremony  with  no  little  dread, 
rle  was  therefore  immensely  relieved  when  he  found  that,  by  the 
kindness  of  his  friends,  his  initiation  would  not  take  place  in  tho 
presence  of  the  assembled  members  of  the  Lodge. 

For  a  week  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  benevolently  left  to  pon 
der  and  speculate  on  the  ceremonial  horrors  that  would  attend 
his  introduction  to  the  mysteries  of  freemasonry,  and  by  the 
appointed  day  he  had  worked  himself  into  such  a  state  of  nervous 
excitement  that  he  was  burning  more  with  the  fever  of  apprehen 
sion  than  that  of  curiosity.  There  was  no  help  for  him,  how 
ever;  he  had  promised  to  go  through  the  ordeal,  whatever  it 
might  be,  and  he  had  no  desire  to  be  laughed  at  for  having 
abandoned  his  purpose  through  fear. 

The  Lodge  of  Cemented  Bricks,  of  which  Messrs.  Bouncer  and 
Co.  had  promised  to  make  Mr.  Verdant  Green  a  member  OGCV- 


82         THE  ADVENTURES  OP  MR.  VERDANT  GREEK. 

pied  spacious  rooms  in  a  certain  large  house  in  a  certain  small 
street  not  a  hundred  miles  from  the  High  Street.  The  ascent  to 
the  Lodge-room,  which  was  at  the  top  of  the  house,  was  by  a 
rather  formidable  flight  of  stairs,  up  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
tremblingly  climbed,  attended  by  Mr.  Bouncer  as  his  fidul 
Achates.  The  little  gentleman,  in  that  figurative  Oriental  lan 
guage  to  which  he  was  so  partial,  considerately  advised  his  friend 
to  keep  up  his  pecker  and  never  say  die  ;  but  his  exhortation  of 
"  Now,  don't  you  be  frightened,  Giglamps,  we  shan't  hurt  you 
more  than  we  can  help,"  only  increased  the  anguish  of  our  hero's 
sensations ;  and  when  at  the  last  he  found  himself  at  the  top  of  the 
stairs,  and  before  a  door  which  was  guarded  by  Mr.  Foote,  who 
held  a  drawn  sword,  and  was  dressed  in  unusually  full  masonic 
costume,  and  looked  stern  arid  unearthly  in  the  dusky  gloom,  he 
turned  back,  and  would  have  made  his  escape  had  he  not  been 
prevented  by  Mr.  "  Footelights' "  naked  weapon.  Mr.  Bouncer 
had  previously  cautioned  him  that  he  must  not  in  any  way  evince 
a  recognition  of  his  friends  until  the  ceremonies  of  the  initiation 
were  completed,  and  that  the  infringement  of  this  command 
would  lead  to  his  total  expulsion  from  his  friends'  society.  Mr. 
Bouncer  had  also  told  him  that  he  must  not  be  surprised  at 
anything  that  he  might  see  or  hear;  which,  under  the  circum 
stances,  was  very  seasonable  as  well  as  sensible  advice.  Mr, 
Verdant  Green,  therefore,  submitted  to  his  fate,  and  to  Mr. 
Footelights'  drawn  sword. 

"  The  first  step,  Giglamps,"  whispered  Mr.  Bouncer,  "  is  the 
blindfolding ;  the  next  is  the  challenge,  which  is  in  Coptic,  the 
original  language,  you  know,  of  the  members  of  the  first  Lodge  of 
Cemented  Bricks.  Swordbearer  and  Deputy  Past  Pantile  Foote 
will  do  this  for  you.  I  must  go  and  put  my  things  on.  Re 
member,  you  mustn't  recognise  me  when  you  come  into  the  Lodge. 
Adoo,  Saraiwel !  keep  your  pecker  up."  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
wrung  his  friend's  hand,  pocketed  his  spectacles,  and  submitted 
to  be  blindfolded. 

Mr.  Footelights  then  took  him  by  the  hand,  and  knocked  three 
times  at  the  door.  A  voice,  which  Verdant  recognised  as  that  of 
Mr.  Blades,  inquired,  "  Kilaricum  luricum  tweedlecum  twee?" 

To  which  Mr.  Footelights  replied,  "  Astrakansa  siphonia  bos- 
trukizon!"  and  laid  the  cold  steel  blade  against  Mr.  Verdant 
Green's  cheek  in  a  way  which  made  that  gentleman  shiver. 

Mr.  Blades'  voice  then  said,  "  Swordbearer  and  Deputy  Past 
Pantile,  pass  in  the  neophyte  who  seeks  to  be  a  Cemented  Brick; " 
and  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  thereupon  guided  into  the  room. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEH.         8ft 

"Gropelos  toldery  lol !  remove  the  handkerchief/'  said  the 
voice  of  Mr.  Blades. 

The  glare  from  numerous  wax-lights,  reflected  as  it  was  from 
polished  gold,  silver,  and  marble,  affected  Mr.  Verdant  Green's 
bandaged  eyes,  and  prevented  him  for  a  time  from  seeing  any 
thing  distinctly,  but  on  Mr.  Foote  motioning  to  him  that  he 
might  resume  his  spectacles,  he  was  soon  enabled  by  their  aid  to 
survey  the  scene.  Around  him  stood  Mr.  Bouncer,  Mr.  Blades, 
Mr.  Flexible  Shanks,  and  Mr.  Foote.  Each  held  a  drawn  and 
gleaming  sword ;  each  wore  aprons,  scarves,  or  mantles ;  each 
was  decorated  with  mystic  masonic  jewellery;  each  was  silent 
and  preternaturally  serious.  The  room  was  large  and  was  fur 
nished  with  the  greatest  splendour,  but  its  contents  seemed 
strange  and  mysterious  to  our  hero's  eyes. 

"  Advance  the  neophyte !  Oodiny  dulipy  sing ! "  said  Mr. 
Blades,  who  walked  to  the  other  end  of  the  room,  stepped  upon 
a  dais,  ascended  his  throne,  and  laid  aside  the  sword  for  a  sceptre. 
Mr.  Foote  and  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks  then  took  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  by  either  shoulder,  and  escorted  him  up  the  room  with 
their  drawn  swords  turned  towards  him,  while  Mr.  Bouncer  fol 
lowed,  and  playfully  prodded  him  in  the  rear. 

In  the  front  of  Mr.  Blades'  throne  there  was  a  species  of  altar, 
of  which  the  chief  ornaments  were  a  large  sword,  a  skull  and 
cross-hones,  illuminated  by  a  great  wax  light  placed  in  a  tall 
silver  candlestick.  Silver  globes  and  pillars  stood  upon  the  dais 
on  either  side  of  the  throne ;  and  luxuriously-velveted  chairs  and 
rows  of  seats  were  ranged  around.  Before  the  altar-like  erection 
a  small  funereal  black  and  white  carpet  was  spread  upon  the 
black  and  white  lozenged  floor;  and  on  this  carpet  were  arranged 
the  following  articles  : — a  money  chest,  a  ballot  box  (very  like 
Miss  Bouncer's  Camera),  two  pairs  of  swords,  three  little  mallets, 
and  a  skull /  and  cross-bones — the  display  of  which  emblems  ot 
mortality  confirmed  Mr.  Verdant  Green  in  his  previously-formed 
opinion,  that  the  Lodge-room  was  a  veritable  chamber  of  horrors, 
and  he  would  willingly  have  preferred  a  visit  to  that  "  lodge  in 
pome  vast  wilderness,"  for  which  the  poet  sighed,  and  to  hare' 
foregone  all  those  promised  benefits  that  were  to  be  derived  from 
Fremasonry. 

But  wishing  could  not  save  him.  He  had  no  sooner  arrived 
in  front  of  the  skull  and  cross-bones  than  the  procession  halted, 
and  Mr.  Blades,  rising  from  his  throne,  said,  "  Let  the  Sword- 
bearer  and  Deputy  Past  Pantile,  together  with  the  Provincial 
Grand  Mortar-board,  do  their  duty!  Bamohun  roy  azalea 


84         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

tong!  Produce  the  poker!  Past  Grand  Hodman,  remain  c% 
guard  I  ' 

Mr.  Foote  and  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks  removed  their  hands  and 
swords  from  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  and  walked  solemnly  down  the 
room,  leaving  little  Mr.  Bouncer  standing  beside  our  hero,  and 
holding  the  drawn  sword  above  his  head.  Mr.  Foote  and  Mr. 
Flexible  Shanks  returned,  escorting  between  them  the  poker. 
It  was  cold  !  that  was  a  relief.  But  how  long  was  it  to  remain 
so? 

"  Past  Grand  Hodman !  "  said  Mr.  Blades,  "  instruct  the 
neophyte  in  the  primary  proceedings  of  the  Cemented  Bricks." 

At  Mr.  Bouncer's  bidding,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  then  sat  down 
upon  the  lozenged  floor,  and  held  his  knees  with  his  hands.  Mr. 
Flexible  Shanks  then  brought  to  him  the  poker,  and  said, 
"  Tetrao  urogallus  orygometra  crex  !  "  The  poker  was  then,  by 
the  assistance  of  Mr.  Foote,  placed  under  the  knees  and  over  the 
arms  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  \vho  thus  sat  like  a  trussed  fowl, 
and  equally  helpless. 

"  Recite  to  the  neophyte  the  oath  of  the  Cemented  Bricks !  " 
said  Mr.  Blades. 

"  Ramphastidinae  toco  scolopendra  timmnculus  cracticornis 
bos  !  r  exclaimed  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks. 

"  Do  you  swear  to  obey  through  fire  and  water,  and  bricks  and 
mortar,  the  words  of  this  oath  ? "  asked  Mr.  Blades  from  his 
throne. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR,  VERDANT  flREEN.  85 

'*  You  must  say,  I  do  !  "  whispered  Mr.  Bouncer  to  Mr  Ver 
dant  Green,  who  accordingly  muttered  the  response. 

"  Let  the  oath  be  witnessed  and  registered  by  Swordbearer 
and  Deputy  Past  Pantile,  Provincial  Grand  Mortar-board,  and 
Past  Grand  Hodman !  "  said  Mr.  Blades  ;  and  the  three  gentle 
men  thus  designated  stood  on  either  side  of  and  behind  Mr. 
Verdant  Green,  and,  with  theatrical  gestures,  clashed  their 
swords  over  his  head. 

"  Keemo  kimo  lingtum  nipcat !  let  him  rise,"  said  Mr.  Blades ; 
and  the  poker  was  thereupon  withdrawn  from  its  position,  and 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  being  untrussed,  but  somewhat  stiff  and 
cramped,  was  assisted  upon  his  legs. 

He  hoped  that  his  troubles  were  now  at  an  end ;  but  this 

pleasing  delusion  was  speedily  dispelled,  by  Mr.  Blades  saying 

"  The  next  part  of  the  ceremonial  is  the  delivery  of  the  red-°hot 
poker.  Let  the  poker  be  heated  ! " 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  went  chill  with  dread  as  he  watched  the 
terrible  instrument  borne  from  the  room  by  Mr.  Foote  and  Mr. 
Flexible  Shanks,  while  Mr.  Bouncer  resumed  his  guard  over  him 
with  the  drawn  sword.  All  was  quiet  save  a  smothered  sound 
from  the  other  side  of  the  door,  which,  under  other  circumstances, 
Verdant  would  have  taken  for  suppressed  laughter;  but,  the 
solemnity  of  the  proceedings  repelled  the  idea. 

At  length  the  poker  was  brought  in,  red-hot  and  smoking, 
whereupon  Mr.  Blades  left  his  throne  and  walked  to  the  other  end 
of  the  room,  and  there  took  his  seat  upon  a  second  throne,  before 
which  was  a  second  altar,  garnished — as  Mr.  Verdant  Green  soon 


86  THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VER1JANT  GREEN. 

perceived,  to  his  horror  and  amazement — with  a  human  head  (of 
the  representation  of  one)  projecting  from  a  black  cloth  that  con 
cealed  the  neck,  and,  doubtless,  the  marks  of  decapitation.  Ttq 
ghastly  features  were  clearly  displayed  by  the  aid  of  a  wax  light 
placed  in  a  tall  silver  candlestick  by  its  side. 

Mr*  Bkdes  received  the  poker  from  Mr.  Foote,  and  commanded 
the  neophyte  to  advance.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  did  so,  and  took 
up  a  trembling  position  to  the  left  of  the  throne,  while  Mr.  Foote 
and  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks  proceeded  to  the  organ,  which  was  to 
the  right  of  the  entrance  door.  Mr.  Blades  then  delivered  the 
poker  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who,  at  first,  imagined  that  he  was 
required  to  seize  it  by  its  red-hot  end,  but  was  greatly  relieved 
in  bis  mind  when  he  found  that  he  had  merely  to  take  it  by  the 
handle,  and  repeat  (as  well  as  he  could)  a  form  of  gibberish  that 
Mr.  Blades  dictated.  Having  done  this  he  was  desired  to  transfer 
the  poker  to  the  Past  Grand  Hodman — Mr.  Bouncer. 

He  had  just  come  to  the  joyful  conclusion  that  the  much  dreaded 
poker  portion  of  the  business  was  now  at  an  end,  when  Mr.  Blades 
ruthlessly  cast  a  dark  cloud  over  his  gleam  of  happiness,  by  say 
ing — <(  The  next  part  of  the  ceremony  will  be  the  branding  with 
the  red-hot  poker.  Let  the  organist  call  in  the  aid  of  music  to 
drown  the  shrieks  of  the  victim  !  "  and,  thereupon,  Mr.  Foote 
struck  up  (with  the  full  swell  of  the  organ)  a  heart-rending  air 
that  sounded  like  "the  cries  of  the  wounded  "  from  the  Battle  of 
Prague. 

Now,  it  happened  that  little  Mr.  Bouncer — like  his  sister — was 
subject  to  uncontrollable  fits  of  laughter  at  improper  seasons.  For 
the  last  half-hour  he  had  suffered  severely  from  the  torture  of 
suppressed  mirth,  and,  now,  as  he  saw  Mr.  Verdant  Green's 
climax  of  fright  at  the  anticipated  branding,  human  nature  could 
not  longer  bear  up  against  an  explosion  of  merriment,  and  Mr. 
Bouncer  burst  into  shouts  of  laughter,  and,  with  convulsive  sobs, 
flung  himself  upon  the  nearest  seat.  His  example  was  conta 
gious  ;  Mr.  Blades,  Mr.  Foote,  and  Mr.  Flexible  Shanks,  one 
after  another,  joined  in  the  roar,  and  relieved  their  pent-up  feel 
ings  with  a  rush  of  uproarious  laughter. 

At  the  first  Mr.  Verdant  Green  looked  surprised,  and  in  doubt 
•whether  or  no  this  was  but  a  part  of  the  usual  proceedings  attend 
ant  upon  the  initiation  of  a  member  into  the  Lodge  of  Cemented 
Bricks.  Then  the  truth  dawned  upon  him,  and  he  blushed  up 
to  his  spectacles. 

"  Sold  again,  Giglamps  !  "  shouted  little  Mr.  Bouncer.     "  I 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.         gf 

didn't  think  we  could  carry  out  the  joke  so  far.  I  wonder  if  thia 
will  be  hoax  the  last  for  Mr.  Verdant  Green  ?  " 

" I  hope  so  indeed ! "  replied  our  hero;  "  for  I  have  no  wish  to 
continue  a  Freshman  all  through  my  college  life..  But  I'll  give 
you  full  liberty  to  hoax  me  again — if  you  can."  And  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green  joined  good-humouredly  in  the  laughter  raised  at  his 
own  expense. 

Not  many  days  after  this  he  was  really  made  a  Mason;  although 
the  Lodge  was  not  that  of  the  Cemented  Bricks,  or  the  forms  of 
initiation  those  invented  by  his  four  friends. 


88 


THE  AD  YEN  TUBES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GBEWL 


CHAPTER  XI. 

MB.  VERDANT  GREEN  BREAKFASTS  WITH  MR.  BOUNCER,  AND  ENTERS 
FOR  A  GRIND. 

ITTLE   Mr.    Bouncer  had  aban 
doned  his  intention  of  obtaining 
a  licet  migrare  to  "the  Tavern,'' 
and  had  decided  (the  Dons  being 
propitious)  to  remain  at  Brazen 
face,  in  the  nearer  neighbour 
hood  of  his   friends.      He  had  rusumed  hia 
\^^j¥^-~     reading  for  his  degree  ;  and,  at  various  odd  times, 
^   ,^.*^      and  in  various  odd  ways,  he  crammed  himself  for  his 
forthcoming  examination  with  the  most  confused  and 
conf'isir.g  scraps  of  knowledge.    He  was  determined,  he  said,  "  to 
stump  the  examiners." 

One  day,  when  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  come  from  morning 
chapel,  and  had  been  refreshed  by  the  perusal  of  an  unusually 
long  epistle  from  his  charming  Northumbrian  correspondent,  he 
betook  himself  to  his  friend's  rooms,  and  found  the  little  gentle 
man — notwithstanding  that  he  was  expecting  a  breakfast  party — 
still  luxuriating  in  bed.  His  curly  black  wig  reposed  on  its  block 
on  the  dressing  table,  and  the  closely  shaven  skull  that  it  daily 
•decorated  shone  whiter  than  the  pillow  that  it  pressed ;  for 
although  Mr.  Bouncer  considered  that  night-caps  might  be  worn 
'by  "  long-tailed  babbies,"  and  by  "  old  birds  that  were  as  bald  as 
coots,"  yet,  he,  being  a  young  bird  —  though  not  a  baby- 
declined  to  ensconce  his  head  within  any  kind  of  white  covering, 
after  the  fashion  of  the  portraits  of  the  poet  Cowper.  The  small- 
ness  of  Mr.  Bouncer's  dormitory  caused  his  wash-hand-stand  to 
be  brought  against  his  bed's  head ;  and  the  little  gentleman  had 
availed  himself  of  this  conveniency,  to  place  within  the  basin  a 
blubbering,  bubbling,  gurgling  hookah,  from  which  a  long  stein 
curled  in  vine-like  tendrils,  until  it  found  a  resting  place  in,  Mr. 
Bouncer's  mouth.  The  little  gentleman  lay  comfortably  propped 
on  pillows,  with  his  hands  tucked  under  his  head,  and  his  knees 
crooked  up  to  form  a  rest  for  a  manuscript  book  of  choice 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


89 


"  crams,"  that  had  been  gleaned  by  him  from  those  varfous  fields 
of  knowledge  from  which  the  true  labourer  reaps  so  rich  and  ripa 
a  store.  Huz  and  Buz  reposed  on  the  counterpane,  to  complete 
tliis  picture  of  Heading  for  a  Pass. 


"  The  top  o'  the  morning  to  you,  Giglamps  !  "  he  said,  as  he 
saluted  his  friend  with  a  volley  of  smoke — a  salute  similar  as  to 
the  smoke,  but  superior,  in  the  absence  of  noise  and  slightness  of 
expense,  to  that  which  would  have  greeted  Mr.  Verdant  Green's 
approach  had  he  been  of  the  royal  blood — "  here  I  am,!  sweating 
away,  as  usual,  for  that  beastly  examination."  (It  was  a  popular 
fallacy  with  Mr.  Bouncer,  that  he  read  very  hard  and  very  regu 
larly.)  "  I  thought  I'd  cut  chapel  this  morning,  and  coach  up 
for  my  Divinity  paper.  Do  you  know  who  Hadassah  was,  old 
feller  ?  "" 

"  No  !  I  never  heard  of  her." 

"  Ha !  you  may  depend  upon  it,  those  are  the  sort  of  questions 
that  pluck  a  man  ;  "  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  who  thought — as  others 
like  him  have  thought — that  the  getting  up  of  a  few  abstruse  proper 
names  would  be  proof  sufficient  for  a  thorough  knowledge  of  the 
whole  subject.  '•  But  I'm  not  going  to  let  them  gulph  me  a 
second  time;  though,  they  ought  not  to  plough  a  man  who's  been 
at  Harrow,  ought  they,  old  feller?" 

"Don't  make  bad  jokes." 

**  So  I  shall  work  well  at  these  crams,  although,  of  course,  I 


TO     x     THE  ADVE^7TURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

shall  put  on  my  examination  coat,  and  trust  a  good  deal  to  mj 
cards,  and  watch  papers,  and  shirt  wristbands,  and  so  on." 

"  I  should  have  thought,"  said  Verdant,  "  that  after  those  son 
of  crutches  had  broken  down  with  you  once,  you  would  not  fly 
to  their  support  a  second  time." 

"  Oh,  I  shall  though  ! — I  must,  you  know  !"  replied  the  infa* 
tuated  Mr.  Bouncer.     **  The  Mum  cut  up  doosid  this  last  time 
you've  no  idea  how  she  turned  on  the  main,  and  did  the  briny ! 
and,  I  must  make  things  sure  this  time.     After  all,  I  believe  it 
was  those  Second  Aorists  that  ploughed  me." 

It  is  remarkable,  that,  not  only  in  Mr.  Bouncer's  case,  but  in 
many  others,  also,  of  a  like  nature,  gentlemen  who  have  been 
plucked  can  always  attribute  their  totally-unexpected  failures  to 
a  Second  Aorist,  or  a  something  equivalent  to  "the  salmon,"  or 
"'the  melted  butter,"  or  "that  glass  of  sherry,"  which  are  recog 
nised  as  the  causes  for  so  many  morning  reflections.  This  curi 
ous  circumstance  suggests  an  interesting  source  of  inquiry  for  the 
speculative. 

"Well!"  said  Mr.  Bouncer  meditatively;  "I'm  not  so  sorry, 
after  all,  that  they  cut  up  rough,  and  ploughed  me.  It's  enabled 
me,  you  see,  to  come  back  here,  and  be  jolly.  I  shouldn't  have 
known  what  to  do  with  myself  away  from  Oxford.  A  man  can't 
be  always  going  to  feeds  and  tea-fights ;  and  that's  all  that  I  have 
to  do  when  I'm  down  in  the  country  with  the  Mum — she  likes 
me,  you  know,  to  do  the  filial,  and  go  about  with  her.  And  it's 
not  a  bad  thing  to  have  something  to  work  at!  it  keeps  what  you 
call  your  intellectual  faculties  on  the  move.  I  don't  wonder  at 
thingumbob  crying  when  he'd  no  more  whatdyecallems  to  con 
quer  !  he  was  regularly  used  up,  I  dare  say." 

Mr.  Bouncer,  upon  this,  rolled  out  some  curls  of  smoke  from 
the  corner  of  his  mouth,  and  then  observed,  "  I'm  glad  I  started 
this  hookah  !  *  the  judicious  Hooker,'  ain't  it,  Giglamps  ?  it  is  so 
iolly,  at  night,  to  smoke  oneself  to  sleep,  with  the  tail  end  of  it 
in  one's  mouth,  and  to  find  it  there  in  the  morning,  all  ready  for 
a  fresh  start.  It  makes  me  get  on  with  my  coaching  like  a  house 
on  fire." 

Here  there  was  a  rush  of  men  into  the  adjacent  room,  who 
hailed  Mr.  Bouncer  as  a  disgusting  Sybarite,  and,  flinging  their 
caps  and  gowns  into  a  corner,  forthwith  fell  upon  the  good  fare 
which  Mr.  Robert  Filcher  had  spread  before  them  ;  .it  the  same 
time  carrying  on  a  lively  conversation  with  their  host,  the  occu 
pant  of  the  bed-room.  "  Well !  I  suppose  I  must  turn  out,  And 
do  tumbies!"  said  Mr.  Bouncer.  So  he  got  up,  and  went  into 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN.         91 

bis  tub;  and,  presently,  sat  lown  comfortably  to  breakfast,  in 
his  shirt-sleeves. 

When  Mr.  Bouncer  had  refreshed  his  inner  man,  and  strength 
ened  himself  for  his  severe  course  of  reading  by  the  consumption  of 
a  singular  mixture  of  coffee  and  kidneys,  beef -steaks  and  beer ;  and 
when  he  had  rested  from  his  exertions,  and  had  resumed  his  pipe 
— which  was  not  "  the  judicious  Hooker,"  but  a  short  clav, 
smoked  to  a  swarthy  hue,  and  on  that  account,  as  well  as  from 
its  presumed  medicatory  power,  called  "the  Black  Doctor," — just 
then,  Mr.  Smalls,  and  a  detachment  of  invited  guests,  who  had 
been  to  an  early  lecture,  dropped  in  to  breakfast.  Huz  and  Buz, 
setting  up  a  terrific  bark,  darted  towards  a  minute  specimen  of 
the  canine  species,  which,  with  the  aid  of  a  powerful  microscope, 
might  have  been  discovered  at  the  feet  of  its  proud  proprietor, 
Mr.  Smalls.  It  was  the  first  dog  of  its  kind  imported  into  Oxford, 
and  it  was  destined  to  set  on  foot  a  fashion  that  soon  bade  fair  to 
drive  out  of  the  field  those  long-haired  Skye-terriers,  with  two  or 
three  specimens  of  which  species,  he  entered  the  room. 

"  Kill  'em,  Lympy !  "  said  Mr.  Smalls  to  his  pet,  who,  with  aii 
extreme  display  of  pugnacity,  was  submitting  to  the  curious  and 
minute  inspection  of  Huz  and  Buz.  "  Lympy  "  was  a  black  and 
tan  terrier,  with  smooth  hair,  glossy  coat,  bead-like  eyes,  cropped 
ears,  pointed  tail,  limbs  of  a  cobwebby  structure,  and  so  diminu 
tive  in  its  proportions,  that  its  owner  was  accustomed  to  carry  it 
inside  the  breast  of  his  waistcoat,  as  a  precaution,  probably, 
against  its  being  blown  away.  And  it  was  called  "  Lympy,"  as 
an  abbreviation  of  u  Olympus,'*  which  was  the  name  derisively 
given  to  it  for  its  smallness,  on  the  lucus  a  non  lucendo  principle 
that  miscalls  the  lengthy  "  brief  "  of  the  barrister,  the  "  living  " 
— not-sufficient-to-snpport-life — of  the  poor  vicar,  the  uncertain 
"certain  age,"  the  unfair  "fare,"  and  the  son-ruled  "governor." 

"  Lympy  "  was  placed  upon  the  table,  in  order  that  he  might 


92         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

be  duly  admired  ;  an  exaltation  at  which  Huz  and  Buz  and  the 
Skye-terriers  chafed  with  jealousy.  "  Be  quiet,  you  beggars  !  he's 
prettier  than  you  !  "  said  Mr.  Smalls;  whereupon,  a  mild  punster 
present  propounded  the  canine  query,  "  Did  it  ever  occur  to  a 
cur  to  be  lauded  to  the  Skyes  ?  "  at  which  there  was  a  shout  of 
indignation,  and  he  was  sconced  by  the  unanimous  vote  of  the 
company. 

"  Lympy  ain't  a  bad  style  of  dog,"  said  little  Mr.  Bouncer, 
as  he  puffed  away  at  the  Black  Doctor.  "  He'd  be  perfect,  if  he 
hadn't  one  fault." 

"  And  what's  his  fault,  pray  ?  "  asked  his  anxious  owner. 

"  There's  rather  too  much  of  him !  "  observed  Mr.  Bouncer, 
gravely.  "  Robert !  "  shouted  the  little  gentleman  to  his  scout  ; 
"  Robert !  doose  take  the  feller,  he's  always  out  of  the  way  when 
he's  wanted."  And,  when  the  performance  of  a  variety  of  octaves 
on  the  post-horn,  combined  with  the  free  use  of  the  speaking- 
trumpet,  had  brought  Mr.  Robert  Filcher  to  his  presence,  Mr. 
Bouncer  received  him  with  objurgations,  and  ordered  another 
tankari  of  beer  from  the  buttery. 

In  the  mean  time,  the  conversation  had  taken  a  sporting  turn. 
"  Do  you  meet  Drake's  to-morrow  ?"  asked  Mr.  Blades  of  Mr 
Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke. 

"  No  !  the  old  Berkshire,"  was  the  reply. 

"  Where's  the  meet  ?" 

"  At  Buscot  Park.  I  send  my  horse  to  Thompson's,  at  the 
Far ringdon- Road  station,  and  go  to  meet  him  by  rail '' 

"  And,  what  about  the  Grind  ?"  asked  Mr.  Smalls  of  the  com 
pany  generally. 

"  Oh  yes !"  said  Mr.  Bouncer,  "  let  us  talk  over  the  Grind. 
Giglamps,  old  feller,  you  must  join." 

"  Certainly,  if  you  wish  it,''  said  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who, 
however,  had  as  little  idea  as  the  man  in  the  moon  what  they 
were  talking  about.  But,  as  he  was  no  longer  a  Freshman,  he 
was  unwilling  to  betray  his  ignorance  on  any  matter  pertaining 
to  college  life ;  so,  he  looked  much  wiser  than  he  felt,  and  saved 
himself  from  saying  more  on  the  subject,  by  sipping  a  hot  spiced 
draught,  from  a  silver  cup  that  was  pushed  round  to  him. 

"  That's  the  very  cup  that  Four-in-hand  Fosbrooke  won  at  the 
last  Grind,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer. 

*'  Was  it  indeed  !"  safely  answered  -Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who 
looked  at  the  silver  cup  (on  which  -was  engraven  a  coat  of  arms 
with  the  words  "  Brazenface  Grind — Fosbrooke,"),  and  wondered 
what  "  a  Grind  "  might  be.  A  medical  student  would  have  told 


THE  ADVENTURE?  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.         93 

him    that  a  "  Grind  "  meant  the  reading  up  for  an  examination 
under  the  tuition  of  one  who  \?as  familiarly  termed  "  a  Grinder  "— 


a  process  which  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  friends  would  phrase  as 
"  Coaching  "  under  "  a  Coach  ;"  but  the  conversation  that  followed 
upon  Mr.  Smalls'  introduction  of  the  subject,  made  our  hero 
aware,  that,  to  a  University  man,  a  Grind  did  not  possess  any 
reading  signification,  but  a  riding  one.  In  fact,  it  was  a  steeple 
chase,  slightly  varying  in  its  details  according  to  the  college  that 
patronised  the  pastime.  At  Brazenface,  "  the  Grind  "  was  usually 
over  a  known  line  of  country,  marked  out  with  flags  by  the  gentle 
man  (familiarly  known  as  Anniseed)  who  attended  to  this  business, 
and  full  of  leaps  of  various  kinds,  and  various  degrees  of  stiffness. 
By  sweepstakes  and  subscriptions,  a  sum  of  trom  ten  to  fifteen 
pounds  was  raised  for  the  purchase  of  a  silver  cup,  wherewith  to 
grace  the  winner's  wines  and  breakfast  parties ;  but,  as  the  winner 
had  occasionally  been  known  to  pay  as  much  as  fifteen  pounds 
for  the  day's  hire  of  the  blood  horse  who  was  to  land  him  first  at 
the  goal,  and  as  he  had,  moreover,  to  discharge  many  other  little 
expenses,  including  the  by  no  means  little  one  of  a  dinner  to  the 
losers,  the  conqueror  for  the  cup  usually  obtained  more  glory 
than  profit. 

"  I  suppose  you'll  enter  Tearaway,  as  before  T  asked  Mr.  Smalls 
of  Mr.  Fosbrooke. 

"  Yes !  for  I  want  to  get  him  in  condition  for  the  Aylesbury 
Bteeple-chase,"  replied  the  owner  of  Tear  away  t  who  was  rather 
too  fond  of  vaunting  his  blue  silk  and  black  cap  before  the  eyea 
of  the  sporting  public. 

"  You've  not  much  to  fear  from  this  man,"  said  Mr.  Bouncer, 
indicating  (with  the  Black  Doctor)  the  stalwart  form  of  MB 

14* 


04         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEST, 

Blades^  "  Billy's  too  big  in  the  Westpbalias.  Giglamps,  you*re 
the  boy  to  cook  Fosbrooke's  goose.  Don't  you  remember  what 
old  father-in-law  Honey  wood  told  you,  —  that  you  might,  would, 
should,  and  could,  ride  like  a  Shafto?  and  lives  there  a  man  with 
soul  so  dead,  —  as  Shikspur  or  some  other  cove  observes  —  who 
wouldn't  like  to  show  what  stuff  he  was  made  of?  I  can  put  you 
up  to  a  wrinkle,"  said  the  little  gentleman,  sinking  his  voice  to  a 
whisper.  "  Tollitt  has  got  a  mare  who  can  lick  Tearaway  into 
fits.  She  is  as  easy  as  a  chair,  and  jumps  like  a  cat.  All  that 
you  have  to  do  is  to  sit  back,  clip  the  pig-skin,  and  send  her 
at  it  ;  and,  she'll  take  you  over  without  touching  a  twig. 


promised  her  to  me,  but  I  intend  to  cut  the  Grind  altogether  ;  it 
interferes  too  much,  don't  you  see,  with  my  coaching.  So  I  can 
make  Tolb'tt  keep  her  for  you.  Think  how  well  the  cup  would 
look  on  your  side-board,  when  you've  blossomed  into  a  parient, 
and  changed  the  adorable  Patty  into  Mrs.  Verdant.  Think  of 
that,  Master  Giglamps  !" 

Mr.  Bouncer's  argument  was  a  persuasive  one,  and  Mr.  Ver 
dant  Green  consented  to  be  one  of  the  twelve  gentlemen,  who 
cheerfully  paid  their  sovereigns  to  be  allowed  to  make  their  ap 
pearance  as  amateur  jockeys  at  the  forthcoming  Grind.  After 
much  debate,  '*  the  Wet  Ensham  course  "  was  decided  upon  ;  and 
three  o'clock  in  the  afternoon  of  that  day  fortnight  was  fixed  for 
the  start.  Mr.  Smalls  gained  kudos  by  offering  to  give  the  lun 
cheon  at  his  rooms  ;  and  the  host  of  the  Red  Lion,  at  Ensham, 
was  ordered  to  prepare  one  of  his  very  best  dinners,  for  the  wind 
ing  up  of  the  day's  sport. 

"  I  don't  mind  paying  for  it,"  said  Verdant  to  Mr.  Bouncer, 
"  if  I  can  but  win  the  cup,  and  show  it  to  Patty,  when  she  cornea 
to  us  at  Christmas." 

"  Keep  your  pecker  up,  old  feller  J  and  put  your  trust  in  old 
beans,"  was  Mr.  Bouncer's  reply. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GBEEM 


flf 


CHAPTER  XII. 


MB.  VERDANT  GREEN    TAKES  HIS  DEGREE. 

DURING  the  fortnight  that  intervened  between  Mr.  Bouncer's 
breakfast  party  and  the  Grind,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  got  himself 
into  training  for  his  first  appearance  as  a  steeple-chase  rider,  by 
practising  a  variety  of  equestrian  feats  over  leaping-bars  and 
gorse-stuck  hurdles  ;  in  which  he  acquitted  himself  with  tolerable 
success,  and  came  off  with  fewer  bruises  than  might  have  been 
expected.  At  this  period  of  his  career,  too,  he  strengthened  his 
bodily  powers  by  practising  himself  in  those  varieties  of  the 
"  manly  exercises"  that  found  most  favour  in  Oxford. 

The  adoption  of  some  portion  of  these  was  partly  attributable 
to  his  having  been  made  a  Mason ;  for,  whenever  he  attended  the 


meetings  of  his  Lodge,  he  had  to  pass  the  two  rooms  where  Mr 
MacLaren  conducted  his  fencing-school  and  gymnasium,     ir 
fencing-room— which  was  the  larger  of  the  two,  and  was  < 


M         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

same  dimensions  as  the  Lodge-room  above  it — was  usually  tenanted 
by  the  proprietor  and  his  assistant,  (who,  as  Mr.  Bouncer  phrased 
it,  "put  the  pupils  through  their  paces,")  and  re-echoed  to  the 
Bounds  of  stampings,  and  the  cries  of  "  On  guard  !  quick  !  parry  I 
lunge  ! "  with  the  various  other  terms  of  Defence  and  Attack, 
uttered  in  French  and  English.  At  the  upper  end  of  the  room, 
over  the  fire-place,  was  a  stand  of  curious  arms,  flanked  on  either 
sido  by  files  of  single-sticks.  The  centre  of  the  room  was  left 
clear  for  the  fencing ;  while  the  lower  end  was  occupied  by  the 
parallel  bars,  a  regiment  of  Indian  clubs,  and  a  mattress  ap 
paratus  for  the  delectation  of  the  sect  of  jumpers. 

Here  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  properly  equipped  for  the  purpose, 
was  accustomed  to  swing  his  clubs  after  the  presumed  Indian 
manner,  to  lift  himself  off  his  feet  and  hang  suspended  between 
the  parallel  bars,  to  leap  the  string  on  to  the  mattress,  to  be 
rapped  and  thumped  with  single-sticks  and  boxing-gloves  by  any 
one  else  than  Mr.  Blades  (who  had  developed  his  muscles  in  a 
most  formidable  manner),  and  to  go  through  his  parades  of  quart* 
and  tierce  with  the  flannel-clothed  assistant.  Occasionally  he 
had  a  fencing  bout  with  the  good-humoured  Mr.  MacLaren,*  who 


—professionally  protected  by  his  padded  leathern  plastron*** 
politely  and  obligingly  did  his  best  to  assure  him,  botn  by  precept 
and  example,  of  the  truth  of  the  wise  old  saw,  "  inens  sana  in 
corpore  sano." 

The  lower  room  at'MacLaren's  presented  a  very  different  Op 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.         97 

pearance  to  the  fencing-room.     The  wall  to  the  right  hand,  as 
Well  as  a  part  of  the  wall  at  the  upper  end,  was  hung  around- 
not 

"  With  pikes,  and  guns,  and  bows," 

like  the  fine  old  English  gentleman's, — but,  nevertheless, 
"  With  swords,  and  good  old  cutlasses," 

and  foils,  and  fencing  masks,  and  fencing  gloves,  and  boxing 
gloves,  and  pads,  and  belts,  and  light  white  shoes.  Opposite  to 
the  door,  was  the  vaulting-horse,  on  whose  wooden  back  the 
gymnasiast  sprang  at  a  bound,  and  over  which  the  tyro  (with 
the  aid  of  the  spring-board)  usually  pitched  himself  headlong. 
Then,  commencing  at  the  further  end,  was  a  series  of  poles  and 
ropes — the  turning  pole,  the  hanging  poles,  the  rings,  and  the 
trapeze, — on  either  or  all  of  which  the  pupil  could  exercise 
himself ;  and,  if  he  had  the  skill  so  to  do,  could  jerk  himself  from 
one  to  the  other,  and  finally  hang  himself  upon  the  sloping  lad 
der,  before  the  momentum  of  his  spring  had  passed  away. 

Mr.  Bouncer,  who  could  do  most  things  with  his  hands  and 


98 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


feet,  was  a  very  distinguished  pupil  of  Mr.  MacLaren's ;  for  tlia 
little  gentleman  was  as  active  as  a  monkey,  and — to  quote  his 
own  remarkably  figurative  expression — was  "  a  great  deal  livelier 
than  the  Bag  and  Butterfly.  "* 

Mr.  Bouncer,  then,  would  go  through  the  full  series  of  gym 
nastic  performances,  and  finally  pull  himself  up  the  rounds  of 
the  ladder,  with  the  greatest  apparent  ease,  much  to  the  envy  of 
Mr.  Verdant  Green,  who,  bathed  in  perspiration,  and  nearly  dis 
locating  every  bone  in  his  body,  would  vainly  struggle  (in  atti 
tudes  like  to  those  of  "  the  perspiring  frog"  of  Count  Smorltork) 
to  imitate  his  mercurial  friend,  and  would  finally  drop  exhausted 
on  the  padded  floor. 

And,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  did  not  confine  'himself  to  these 
indoor  amusements ;  but  studied  the  Oxford  Book  of  Sports  in 
various  out-of-door  ways.  Besides  his  Grinds,  and  cricketing, 
and  boating,  and  hunting,  he  would  paddle  down  to  Wyatt's,  for 
a  little  pistol  practice,  or  to  indulge  in  the  exciting  amusement 
of  rifle-shooting  at  empty  bottles,  or  to  practise,  on  the  leaping 
and  swinging  poles,  the  lessons  he  was  learning  at  MacLaren's, 
or  to  play  at  skittles  with  Mr.  Bouncer  (who  was  very  expert  in 
knocking  down  three  out  of  the  four),  or  to  kick  football  until 
he  became  (to  use  Mr.  Bouncer's  expression)  "  as  stiff  as  a  bis 
cuit." 

Or,  he  would  attend  the  shooting  parties  given  by  William 
Brown,  Esquire,  of  University  House ;  where  blue-rocks  and 
brown  rabbits  were  turned  out  of  traps  for  the  sport  of  the  as 
sembled  bipeds  and  quadrupeds.  The  luckless  pigeons  and 
rabbits  had  but  a  poor  chance  for  their  lives  ;  for,  if  the  gentle 
man  who  paid  for  the  privilege  of  the  shot  missed  his  rabbit 
(which  was  within  the  bounds  of  probability)  the  other  guns  wore 


A.  name  given  to  Mr.  Hope's  Entomological  Museum. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VEKDANT  GREEN.         99 

at  once  discharged,  and  the  dogs  of  Town  and  Gown  let  slip.  And, 
if  any  rabbit  was  nimble  and  fortunate  enough  to  run  this  gauntlet 
with  the  loss  of  only  a  tail  or  ear,  and,  Galatea-like, 

"fagitadsalices," 

and  rushed  into  the  willow-girt  ditches,  it  speedily  fell  before  the 
clubs  of  the  *'  cads,"  who  were  there  to  watch,  and  profit  by  the 
sports  of  their  more  aristocratic  neighbours,* 


Mr.  Verdant  Green  would  also  study  the  news  of  the  day,  in 
the  floating  reading-room  of  the  University  Barge  ;  and,  from 
these  comfortable  quarters,  indite  a  letter  to  Miss  Patty,  HI 
look  out  upon  "the  picturesque  river  with  its  moving  life  of  eig 
and  four-oars   sweeping  past  with  measured  stroke.     A  £ 
feature  of  the  river  picture,  just  about  this  time,  was  the  crowc 
newly  introduced  canoes ;  their  occupants,  in  every  variety  of  feu 
coloured  shirts  and  caps,  flashing  up  and  down  a  double  pac 
the  ends  of  which  were  painted  in  gay  colours,  or  emblazonc 
with  the  owner's  crest.     But  Mr.  Verdant  Green,  with  a  due 
regard  for  his  own  preservation  from  drowning,  was  content  wil 
locking  at  these  cranky  canoes,  as  they  flitted,  like  gaudy  dragon 
flies,  over  the  surface  of  the  water. 

*  "The  Vice-Chancellor,  by  the  direction  of  the  Hebdomadal I  Council, 
has  issued  a  notice  against  the  practice  of  pigeon-shooting,  &c,  in 
bourhood  of  the  University."—  Oxford  Intelligence,  Deer.  1854. 


100        THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

Fain  would  the  writer  of  these  pages  linger  over  these  me* 
moirs  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green.  Fain  would  he  tell  how  h?s  hero 
did  many  things  that  might  be  thought  worthy  of  mention,  be 
sides  those  which  hava-been  already  chronicled  ;  but,  this  narra 
tive  has  already  reached  its  assigned  limits,  and,  even  a  historian 
must  submit  to  be  kept  within  reasonable  bounds. 

The  Dramatist  has  the  privilege  'of  escaping  many  difficulties 
and  passing  swiftly  over  confusing  details,  by  the  simple  intima 
tion,  that  "  An  interval  of  twenty  years  is  supposed  to  take  place 
between  the  Acts."  Suffice  it,  therefore,  for  Mr.  Verdant  Green's 
historian,  to  avail  himself  of  this  dramatic  art,  and,  in  a  very  few 
sentences,  to  pass  over  the  varied  events  of  two  years,  in  order 
that  he  may  arrive  at  a  most  important  passage  in  his  hero's 
career. 

The  Grind  came  off  without  Mr.  Verdant  Green  being  enabled  to 
communicate  to  Miss  Patty  Honeywood,  that  he  was  the  winner 
of  a  silver  cup.  Indeed,  he  did  not  arrive  at  the  winning  post 
until  half-an-hour  after  it  had  been  first  reached  by  Mr.  Four-in- 
hand  Fosbrooke  on  his  horse  learaway  ;•  for,  after  narrowly  es 
caping  a  blow  from  the  hatchet  of  an  irate  agriculturalist  who 
professed  great  displeasure  at  any  one  presuming  to  come  a 
galloperin'  and  a  tromplin'  over  his  fences,  Mr.  Verdant  Green 
finally  "  came  to  grief,"  by  being  flung  into  a  disagreeably-moist 
ditch.  And  though,  for  that  evening,  he  forgot  his  troubles,  in 
the  jovial  dinner  that  took  place  at  the  Red  Lion,  yet,  the  next 
morning,  they  were  immensely  aggravated,  when  the  Tutor  told 
them  that  he  had  heard  of  the  steeple-chase,  and  should  expel 
every  gentleman  who  had  taken  part  in  it.  ,The  Tutor,  however, 
relented,  and  did  not  carry  out  his  threat ;  though  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  suffered  almost  as  much  as  if  he  had  really  kept  it. 

The  infatuated  Mr.  Bouncer  madly  persisted  (despite  the  en 
treaties  and  remonstrances  of  his  friends)  in  going  into  the 
Schools  clad  in  his  examination  coat,  and  padded  over  with  a  host 
of  crams.  His  fate  was  a  warning  that  similar  offenders  should 
lay  to  heart,  and  profit  by ;  for  the  little  gentleman  was  again 
plucked.  Although  he  was  grieved  at  this  on  "  the  Mum's  "  ac 
count,  his  mercurial  temperament  enabled  him  to  thoroughly  en 
joy  the  Christmas. vacation  at  the  Manor  Green,  where  were  again 
gathered  together  the  same  party  who  had  met  there  the  previous 
Christmas.  The  cheerful  society  of  Miss  Fanny  Green  did  much, 
probably,  towards  restoring  Mr.  Bouncer  to  his  usual  huppy  frame 
of  mindi ;  and,  after  Christmas,  he  gladly  returned  to  his  beloved 
Oxford, leaving  Brazenface,  and  migrating('k  through  circumstance! 


fHE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN.        101 

over  which  he  had  no  control,"  as  he  said)  to  "  the  Tavern."  But 
when  the  time  for  his  examination  drew  on,  the  little  gentleman 
was  seized  with  such  trepidation,  and  "  funked  "  so  greatly,  that 
he  came  to  the  resolution  not  to  trouble  the  Examiners  again,  and 
to  dispense  with  the  honours  of  a  Degree.  And  so,  at  length, 
greatly  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  sorrow,  and  *'  regretted  by  all 
that  knew  him,"  Mr.  Bouncer  sounded  his  final  octaves  and 
went  the  complete  unicora  for  the  last  time  in  a  College  quad,  and 
gave  his  last  Wine  (wherein  he  produced  some  "  very  old  port, 
my  teacakes ! — I've  had  it  since  last  term !")  and  then,  as  an 
undergraduate,  bade  his  last  farewell  to  Oxford,  with  the  parting 
declaration,  that,  though  he  had  not  taken  his  Degree,  yet  that  he 
had  got  through  with  great  credit,  for  that  he  had  left  behind  him 
a  heap  of  unpaid  bills. 

By  this  time,  or  shortly  after,  many  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's 
earliest  friends  had  taken  their  Degrees,  and  had  left  College ; 
and  their  places  were  occupied  by  a  new  set  of  men,  among  whom 
our  hero  found  many  pleasant  companions,  whose  names  and 
titles  need  not  be  recorded  here. 

When  June  had  come,  there  was  a  '*  grand  Commemoration," 
and  this  was  quite  a  sufficient  reason  that  the  Miss  Honey  woods 
should  take  their  first  peep  at  Oxford,  at  so  favourable  an  oppor-, 
tunity.  Accordingly  there  they  came,  together  with  the  Squire, 
and  were  met  by  a  portion  of  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  family,  and 
by  Mr.  Bouncer;  and  there  were  they  duly  taken  to  all  the  liona, 
and  initiated  into  some  of  the  mysteries  of  College  life.  Misa 
Patty  was  enchanted  with  everything  that  she  saw— even  carry 


102        THE  ADVENTURES  OF  ME.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

ing  her  admiration  to  Verdarit's  undergraduate's  gown  —  and  wni 
proudly  escorted  from  College  to  College  by  her  enamoured  swain. 

"  Pleasant  it  was,  when  woods  were  green, 
And  winds  were  soft  and  low," 

when  in  a  House-boat,  and  in  four-oars,  they  made  an  expedition 
('*  a  wine  and  water  party,"  as  Mr.  Bouncer  called  it)  to  Nuneham 
and,  after  safely  passing  through  the  perils  of  the  pound-locks  oi 
Iffley  and  Sandford,  arrived  at  the  pretty  thatched  cottage,  and 
pic-nic'd  in  the  round-house,  and  strolled  through  the  nut  planta 
tions  up  to  Carfax  hill,  to  see  the  glorious  view  of  Oxford,  and 
looked  at  the  Conduit,  and  Bab's-tree,  and  paced  over  the  little 
rustic  bridge  to  the  island,  where  Verdant  and  Patty  talked  as 
lovers  love  to  talk. 

Then  did  Mr.  Verdant  Green  accompany  his  lady-love  to 
Northumberland  ;  from  whence,  after  spending  a  pleasant  month 
that,  all  too  quickly,  came  to  an  end,  he  departed  (via  Warwick 
shire)  for  a  continental  tour,  wbich  he  took  in  the  company  of 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Charles  Larkyns  (nee  Mary  Green),  who  were  there 
for  the  honeymoon. 

Then  he  returned  to  Oxford  ;  and  when  the  month  of  May  had 
again  come  round,  he  went  in  for  his  Degree  examination.  He 
passed  with  flying  colours,  and  was  duly  presented  with  that 
much-prized  shabby  piece  of  paper,  on  which  was  printed  and 
written  the  following  brief  form  :  — 

Green  Verdant  e1  Coll.  JEn.  Fac. 
Die  28°  Mensis  Maii  Anni  185— 

Examinatus,  prout  Statuta  requirunt,  satisfecit  nobis 
Examinatoribus. 


Ita  testamur 


T      T    T 
Jac.  JL.  Jones. 

R.  Robinson.          r 


Examinatores  in 
Literis  Humanio- 


Owing  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green  having  entered  upon  residence  at 
the  time  of  his  matriculation,  he  was  obliged,  for  the  present,  to 
defer  the  putting  on  of  his  gown,  and,  consequently,  of  arriving 
at  the  full  dignity  of  a  Bachelor  of  Arts.  Nevertheless,  he  had 
taken  his  Degree  de  facto,  if  not  dejure;  and  he,  therefore  —  hi 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  TEED ANT  GREEN.        ]  08 

reasons  which  will  appear — gave  the  usual  Degree  dinner,  on  th« 
day  of  his  taking  his  Testamur. 

He  also  cleared  his  rooms,  giving  some  of  his  things  away, 
sending  others  to  Richards's  sale-rooms,  and  resigning  his  china 
and  glass  to  the  inexorable  Mr.  Robert  Filcher,  who  would  forth 
with  dispose  of  these  gifts  (much  over  their  cost  price)  to  the 
next  Freshman  who  came  under  his  care. 

Moreover,  as  the  adorning  of  College  chimney-pieces  with  the 
photographic  portraits  of  all  the  owner's  College  friends,  had  just 
then  come  into  fashion,  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  beaming  counten 
ance  and  spectacles  were  daguerreotyped  in  every  variety  oi 
Ethiopian  distortion ;  and,  being  enclosed  in  miniature  frames, 
were  distributed  as  souvenirs  among  his  admiring  friends. 

Then,  Mr.  Verdant  Greeu  went  down  to  Warwickshire ;  and, 
within  three  mouths,  travelled  up  to  Northumberland  on  a  special 
mission. 


104        THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VEKDANT  GREEN. 


CHAPTER  THE  LAST. 

MB.  VERDANT  GREEN  IS  MARRIED  AND  DONE  FOB. 

LASTHOPE'S  ruined  Church,  since  it  had  become  a  ruin — which 
was  many  a  long  year  ago — had  never  held  within  its  mouldering 
walls  so  numerous  a  congregation  as  was  assembled  therein  on 
one  particular  September  morning,  somewhere  about  the  middle 
of  the  present  century.  It  must  be  confessed  that  this  unusual 
assemblage  had  not  been  drawn  together  to  see  and  hear  the 
officiating  Clergyman  (who  had  never,  at  any  time,  been  a  special 
attraction),  although  that  ecclesiastical  Ruin  was  present,  and 
looked  almost  picturesque  in  the  unwonted  glories  of  a  clean 
surplice  and  white  kid  gloves.  But,  this  decorative  appearance 
of  the  Ruin,  coupled  with  the  fact  that  it  was  made  on  a  week 
day,  was  a  sufficient  proof  that  no  ordinary  circumstance  had 
brought  about  this  goodly  assemblage. 

At  length,  after  much  expectant  waiting,  those  on  the  outside 
of  the,  Cliurch  discerned  the  figure  of  small  Jock  Muir  mounted  on 
his  highly-trained  donkey,  and  galloping  along  at  a  tearing  pace 
from  the  direction  of  Honeywood  Hall.  It  soon  became  evident 
that  he  was  the  advance  guard  of  two  carriages  that  were  being 
rapidly  whirled  along  the  rough  road  that  led  by  the  rocky  banks 
of  the  Swirl.  Before  small  Jock  drew  rein,  he  had  struggled  to 
relieve  his  own  excitement,  and  that  of  the  crowd,  by  pointing  to 
the  carriages  and  shouting,  "Ton's  the  greums,  wi' the  t'other 
priest !  "  the  correctness  of  which  assertion  was  speedily  mani 
fested  by  the  arrival  of  the  "  grooms  "  in  question,  who  were 
none  other  than  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and  Mr.  Frederick  Delaval, 
accompanied  by  the  Rev.  Mr.  Larkyns  (who  was  to  "  assist  "  at 
the  ceremony)  and  their  "best  men,"  who  were  Mr.  Bouncer  and 
a  cousin  of  Frederick  Delaval's.  Which  quintet  of  gentlemen  at 
once  went  into  the  Church,  and  commenced  a  whispered  conver 
sation  with  the  ecclesiastical  Ruin.  These  circumstances,  taken 
in  conjunction  with  the  gorgeous  attire  of  the  gentlemen,  their 
white  gloves,  their  waistcoats  *'  equal  to  any  emergency"  (as  Mr 
Bouncer  had  observed),  and  the  bows  of  white  satin  ribbon  that 
gave  a  festive  appearance  to  themselves,  their  carriage-horses, 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN.        105 

and  postilions — sufficiently  proclaimed  the  fact  th,at  a  wedding— 
and  that,  too,  a  double  one — was  at  hand. 

The  assembled  crowd  had  now  sufficient  to  engage  theii 
attention,  by  the  approach  of  a  very  special  train  of  carnages, 
that  was  brought  to  a  grand  termination  by  two  travelling-car 
riages,  respectively  drawn  by  four  greys,  which  were  decorated 
with  flowers  and  white  ribbons,  and  were  bestridden  by  gay 
postilions  in  gold-tasseled  caps  and  scarlet  jackets.  No  wonder 
that  so  unusual  a  procession  should  have  attracted  such  an 
assemblage ;  no  wonder  that  old  Andrew  Graham  (who  was  there 
with  his  well-favoured  daughters)  should  pronounce  it  '•  a  brae 
sight  for  weak  een." 

As  the  clatter  of  the  carriages  announced  their  near  approach 
to  Lasthope  Church,  Mr.  Verdant  Green — who  had  been  in  the 
highest  state  of  excitement,  and  had  distractedly  occupied  him 
self  in  looking  at  his  watch  to  see  if  it  was  twelve  o'clock  ;  in 
arranging  his  Oxford-blue  tie ;  in  futilely  endeavouring  to  button 
his  gloves  ;  in  getting  ready,  for  the  fiftieth  time,  the  gratuity 
that  should  make  the  Ruin's  heart  to  leap  for  joy;  in  longing  for 
brandy  and  water ;  and  in  attending  to  the  highly-out-of-place 
advice  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  relative  to  the  sustaining  of  his  "pecker" 
— Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  thereupon  seized  with  the  fearful 
apprehension  that  he  had  lost  the  ring  ;  and,  after  an  agonising 
and  trembling  search  in  all  his  pockets,  was  only  relieved  by 
finding  it  in  his  glove  (where  he  had  put  it  for  safety)  just  as  the 
doubie  bridal  procession  entered  the  church. 

Of  the  proceedings  of  the  next  hour  or  two,  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  never  had  a  clear  perception.  He  had  a  dreamy  idea  of 
seeing  a  bevy  of  ladies  and  gentlemen  pouring  into  the  church,  in 
a  mingled  stream  of  bright-coloured  silks  and  satins,  and  dark- 
coloured  broadcloths,  and  lace,  and  ribbons,  and  mantles,  and 
opera  cloaks,  and  bouquets;  and,  that  this  bright  stream,  followed 
by  a  rush  of  dark  shepherd's-plaid  waves,  surged  up  the  aisle,  and, 
dividing  confusedly,  shot  out  from  their  centre  a  blue  coat  and 
brass  buttons  (in 'which,  by  the  way,  was  Mr.  Honey  wood),  on 
the  arms  of  which  were  hanging  two  white-robed  figures,  partially 
shrouded  with  Honiton-lace  veils,  and  crowned  with  orange 
blossoms. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  has  a  dim  remembrance  of  the  party  being 
marshalled  to  their  places  by  a  confused  clerk,  who  assigned  the 
wrong  brides  to  the  wrong  bridegrooms,  and  appeared  excessively 
anxious  that  his  mistake  should  not  be  corrected.  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  also  had  an  idea  that  he  himself  was  in  that  state  of  mind 


100        THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

in  which  he  would  passively  have  allowed  hiraself  to  be  united  to 
Miss  Kitty  Honey  wood,  or  to  Miss  Letida  Jane  Morkin  (who 
was  one  of  Miss  Patty's  bridesmaids),  or  to  Mrs.  Hannah  More, 
or  to  the  Hottentot  Venus,  or  to  any  one  in  the  female  shape  who 
might  have  thought  proper  to  take  his  bride's  place.  Mr.  Verdant 
Green  also  had  a  general  recollection  of  making  responses,  and 
feeling  much  as  he  did  when  in  for  his  vivl  voce  examination  at 
college  ;  and  of  experiencing  a  difficulty  when  called  upon  to 
place  the  ring  on  one  of  the  fingers  of  the  white  hand  held  forth 
to  him,  and  of  his  probable  selection  of  the  thumb  for  the  ring's 
resting  place,  had  not  the  bride  considerately  poked  out  the 
proper  finger,  and  assisted  him  to  place  the  golden  circlet  in  its 
assigned  position.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  also  a  misty  idea 
that  the  service  terminated  with  kisses,  tears,  and  congratulations; 
and,  that  there  was  a  great  deal  of  writing  and  signing  of  names 
in  two  documentary-looking  beoks  ;  and  that  he  had  mingled 
feelings  that  it  was  all  over,  that  he  was  made  very  happy,  and 
that  he  wished  he  could  iorthwith  project  himself  into  the  middle 
of  the  next  week. 

Mr.  Verdant  Green  had  also  a  dozy  idea  that  he  was  guided 
into  a  carriage  by  a  hand  that  lay  lovingly  upon  his  arm ; 
and,  that  he  shook  a  variety  of  less  delicate  hands  that  there 
were  thrust  out  to  him  in  hearty  northern  fashion ;  and,  that 
the  two  cracked  old  bells  of  JLasthope  Church  made  a  lunatic 
attempt  to  ring  a  wedding  peal,  and  only  succeeded  in  producing 
music  like  to  that  which  attends  the  hiving  of  bees ;  and,  that 
he  lumped  into  the  carriage,  amid  a  burst  of  cheering  and  God- 
blessings  ;  and,  that  he  heard  the  carriage-steps  and  door  shut  to 
with  a  clang;  and  that  he  felt  a  sensation  of  being  whirled  on  by 
moving  figures,  and  sliding  scenery ;  and,  that  he  found  the 
carriage  tenanted  by  one  other  person,  and  that  person,  his  WIFE. 

*'  My  darling  wife  !  My  dearest  wife  !  My  own  wife  !  "  It 
was  all  that  his  heart  could  find  to  say.  It  was  sufficient,  for  the 
present,  to  ring  the  tuneful  changes  on  that  novel  word,  and  to 
clasp  the  little  hand  that  trembled  under  its  load  of  happiness, 
and  to  press  that  little  magic  circle,  out  of  which  the  necromancy 
of  Marriage  should  conjure  such  wonders  and  delights. 

The  wedding  breakfast — which  was  attended,  among  others, 
by  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Poletiss  (nee  Morkins),  and  by  Charles  Larkyni 
and  his  wife,  who  was  now 

"  The  mother  of  the  sweetest  little  maid 
That  ever  crow'd  for  kisses,"— 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MB.  VERDANT  GREEN.        107 

the  wedding  breakfast,  notwithstanding  that  it  was  such  a  sub 
stantial  reality,  appeared  to  Mr.  Verdant  Green's  bewildered 
mind  to  resemble  somewhat  the  pageant  of  a  dream.  There  was 
the  usual  spasmodic  gaiety  of  conversation  that  is  inherent  to 
bridal  banquets,  and  toasts  were  proclaimed  and  honoured,  and 
speeches  were  made — indeed,  he  himself  made  one,  of  which  he 
could  not  recal  a  word.  Sufficient  let  it  be  for  our  present  pur 
pose,  therefore,  to  briefly  record  the  speech  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  who 
was  deputed  to  return  thanks  for  the  duplicate  bodies  of  brides 
maids. 

Mr.  Bouncer  (who  with  some  difficulty  checked  his  propensity 
to  indulge  in  Oriental  figurativeness  of  expression)  was  under 
stood  to  observe,  that  on  interesting  occasions  like  the  present, 
it  was  the  custom  for  the  youngest  groomsman  to  return  thanks 
on  behalf  of  the  bridesmaids  ;  and  that  he,  not  being  the  youngest, 
had  considered  himself  safe  from  this  onerous  duty.  For  though 
the  task  was  a  pleasing  one,  yet  it  was  one  of  fearful  responsi 
bility.  It  was  usually  regarded  as  a  sufficiently  difficult  and 
hazardous  experiment,  when  one  single  gentleman  attempted  to 
express  the  sentiments  of  one  single  lady ;  but  when,  as  in  the 
present  case,  there  were  ten  single  ladies,  whose  unknown  opinions 
had  to  be  conveyed  through  the  medium  of  one  single  gentleman, 
then  the  experiment  became  one  from  which  the  boldest  heart 
might  well  shrink.  He  confessed  that  he  experienced  these 
emotions  of  timidity  on  the  present  occasion.  (Cries  of  "  Oh!") 
He  felt,  that  to  adequately  discharge  the  duties  entrusted  would 
require  the  might  of  an  engine  of  ten-bridesmaid  power.  He 
would  say  more,  but  his  feelings  overcame  him.  (Renewed  cries 
of  "  Oh  ! ")  Under  these  circumstances  he  thought  that  he  had 
better  take  his  leave  of  the  subject,  convinced  that  the  reply  to 
the  toast  would  be  most  eloquently  conveyed  by  the  speaking 
eyes  of  the  ten  blooming  bridesmaids.  (Mr.  Bouncer  resumes  his 
seat  amid  great  approbation.) 

Then  the  brides  disappeared,  and  after  a  time  made  their 
re-appearance  in  travelling  dresses.  Then  there  were  tears  and 
"  doubtful  joys/'  and  blessings,  and  farewells,  and  the  departure 
of  the  two  carriages-and-four  (under  a  brisk  fire  of  old  shoes)  to 
the  nearest  railway  station,  from  whence  the  ha,ppy  couples  set 
out,  the  one  for  Paris,  the  other  for  the  Cumberland  Lakes ;  and 
it  was  amid  those  romantic  lakes,  with  their  mountains  and 
waterfalls,  that  Mr.'  Verdant  Green  sipped  the  sweets  of  the 
honeymoon,  and  realised  the  stupendous  fact  that  he  vaa  a 
married  man. 


108         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 

The  honeymoon  had  barely  passed,  and  November  had  come, 
when  Mr.  Verdant  Green  was  again  to  be  seen  in  Oxford — a 
bachelor  only  in  the  University  sense  of  the  term,  for  his  wife 
was  with  him,  and  they  had  rooms  in  the  High  Street.  Mr. 
Bouncer  was  also  there,  and  had  prevailed  upon  Verdant  to  invita 
his  sister  Fanny  to  join  them  and  be  properly  chaperoned  by 
Mrs.  Verdant.  For,  that  wedding-day  in  Northumberland  had 
put  an  effectual  stop  to  the  little  gentleman's  determination  to 
refrain  from  the  wedded  state,  and  he  could  now  say  with  Bene 
dick,  "When  I  said  I  would  die  a  bachelor,  I  did  not  think  I 
should  live  till  I  were  married."  But  Miss  Fanny  Green  had 
looked  so  particularly  charming  in  her  bridesmaid's  dress,  that 
little  Mr.  Bouncer  was  inspired  with  the  notable  idea,  that  he 
should  like  to  see  her  playing  first  fiddle,  and  attired  in  the  still 
more  interesting  costume  of  a  bride.  On  communicating  this 
inspiration  (couched,  it  must  be  confessed,  in  rather  extraordinary 
language)  to  Miss  Fanny,  he  found  that  the  young  lady  was  far 
from  averse  to  assisting  him  to  carry  out  his  idea  ;  and  in  further 
conversation  with  her,  it  was  settled  that  she  should  follow  the 
example  of  her  sister  Helen  (who  was  "  engaged  "  to  the  Rev. 
Josiah  Meek,  now  the  rector  of  a  Worcestershire  parish),  and 
consider  herself  as  "  engaged  "  to  Mr.  Bouncer.  Which  facetious 
idea  of  the  little  gentleman's  was  rendered  the  more  amusing 
from  its  being  accepted  and  agreed  to  by  the  young  lady's  parents 
and  "the  Mum."  So  here  was  Mr.  Bouncer  again  in  Oxford, 
an  "  engaged  "  man,  in  company  with  the  object  of  his  affections, 
both  being  prepared  as  soon  as  possible  to  follow  the  example  of 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Verdant  Green. 

Before  Verdant  could  "  put  on  his  gown,"  certain  preliminaries 
had  to  be  observed.  First,  he  had  to  call,  as  a  matter  of  cour 
tesy,  on  the  head  of  his  College,  to  whom  he  had  to  show  his 
Testamur,  and  whose  formal  permission  he  requested  that  he 
might  put  on  his  gown. 

"  Oh  yes  !"  replied  Dr.  Portrnan,  in  his  monosyllabic  tones, 
as  though  he  were  reading  aloud  from  a  child's  primer  ;  "  oh  yes, 
cer-tain-ly  !  I  was  de-light-ed  to  know  that  you  had  pass-ed,  and 
that  you  have  been  such  a  cred-it  to  your  col-lege.  You  will 
o-blige  me,  if  you  please,  by  pre-sent-ing  your-self  to  the  Dean 
of  Arts."  And  then  Dr.  Portman  shook  hands  with  Verdant, 
wished  him  good  morning,  and  resumed  his  favourite  study  of 
the  Greek  particles. 

Then,  at  an  appointed  hour  in  the  evening,  Verdant,  in  com 
pany  with  other  meii  of  his  college,  went  to  the  Dean  of 


THE  ADVENTURES  01  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


109 


who  heard  them  read  through  the  Thirty-nine  Articles,  and  dis 
missed  them  with  this  parting  intimation — "  Now,  gentlemen! 
I  shall  expect  to  see  you  at  the  Divinity  School  in  the  morning 
at  ten  o'clock.  You  must  come  with  your  bands  and  gown,  and 
fees  ;  and  be  sure,  gentlemen,  that  you  do  not  forget  the  fees  !" 
So  in  the  morning  Verdant  takes  Patty  to  the  Schools,  and 
commits  her  to  the  charge  of  Mr.  Bouncer,  who  conducts  her  and 
Miss  Fanny  to  one  of  the  raised  seats  in  the  Convocation  House, 
frcm  whence  they  will  have  a  good  view  cf  the  conferring  of  De 
grees.  Mr.  Verdant  Green  finds  the  precincts  of  the  Schools 
tenanted  by  droves  of  college  Butlers,  Porters,  and  Scouts,  hang 
ing  about  for  the  usual  fees  and  old  gowns,  and  carrying  blue 
bags,  in  which  are  the  new  gowns.  Then — having  seen  that  Mr. 
Robert  Filcher  is  in  attendance  with  his  own  particular  gown- 
be  struggles  through  the  Pig-market,*  thronged  with  bustling 


•  The  derivation  of  this  word  has  already  been  given.   See  Part  L  p.  4Q 

15 


110        THE  ADVENTUKES  OF  MB.  VEBDANT  GREEN. 

Bedels  and  University  Marshals,  and  other  officials.  Then,  as 
opportunity  offers,  he  presents  himself  to  the  senior  Squire  BedeJ 
in  Arts,  George  Valentine  Cox,  Esq.,  who  sits  behind  a  table, 
and,  in  his  polite  and  scholarly  manner,  puts  the  usual  questions 
to  him,  and  permits  him,  on  the  due  payment  of  all  the  fees,  to 
write  his  name  in  a  large  book,  and  to  place  "  Fil.  Gen."*  after 
his  autograph.  Then  he  has  to  wait  some  time  until  the  superior 
Degrees  are  conferred,  and  the  Doctors  and  Masters  have  taken 
their  seats,  and  the  Proctors  have  made  their  apparently  insane 
promenade. f 

Then  the  Deans  come  into  the  ante-chamber  to  see  if  the  men 
of  their  respective  Colleges  are  duly  present,  properly  dressed, 
and  have  faithfully  paid  the  fees.  Then,  when  the  Deans,  having 
satisfactorily  ascertained  these  facts,  have  gone  back  again  into 
the  Convocation  House,  the  Yeoman  Bedel  rushes  forth  with  his 
silver  "  poker,"  and  summons  all  the  Bachelors,  in  a  very  preci 
pitate  and  far  from  impressive  manner,  with  "  Now,  then,  gentle 
men  !  please  all  of  you  to  come  in !  you're  wanted  1"  Then  the 
Bachelors  enter  the  Convocation  House  in  a  troop,  and  stand  in 
the  area,  in  front  of  the  Vice-Chancellor  and  the  two  Proctors. 
Then  are  these  young  men  duly  quizzed  by  the  strangers  present, 
especially  by  the  young  ladies,  who,  besides  noticing  their  own 
friends,  amuse  themselves  by  picking  out  such  as  they  suppose  to 
have  been  reading  men,  fast  men,  or  slow  men — taking  the  face 
as  the  index  of  the  mind.  We  may  be  sure  that  there  is  a  young 
married  lady  present  who  does  not  indulge  in  futile  speculations 
of  this  sort,  but  fixes  her  whole  attention  on  the  figure  of  Mr. 
Verdant  Green. 

Then  the  Bedel  comes  with  a  pile  of  Testaments,  and  gives  one 
to  each  man ;  Dr.  Bliss,  the  Registrar  of  the  University,  adminis 
ters  to  them  the  oath,  and  they  kiss  the  book.  Then  the  Deans 
present  them  to  the  Vice- Chancellor  in  a  short  Latin  form ;  and 
then  the  Vice -Chancellor,  standing  up  uncovered,  with  the 
Proctors  standing  on  either  side,  addresses  them  in  these  words : 
"  Domini,  ego  admitto  vos  ad  lectionem  cujuslibet  libri  Logicea 
Aristotelis ;  et  insuper  earum  Artium,  quas  et  quatenus  per 
Statuta  audivisse  tenemini ;  insuper  autoritate  mea  et  totiui 
universitatis,  do  vobis  potestatem  intrandi  scholas,  legendi,  dispu- 
tandi,  et  reliqua  omnia  faciendi,  quas  ad  gradum  Baccalaurei  iu 
Artibus  spectant." 

*  i.e.,  Filius  Generosi — the  son  of  a  gentleman  of  independent  means, 
f  See  nutu,  Part  I.  p.  109. 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEN. 


Ill 


When  the  Vice-Chancellor  has  spoken  these  remarkable  words 
which,  after  three  years  of  university  reading  and  expense,  grant 


•o  much  that  has  not  been  asked  or  wished  for),  the  newly-made 
Bachelors  rush  out  of  the  Convocation  House  in  wild  confusion, 
and  stand  on  one  side  to  allow  the  Vice-Chancellarian  procession 
to  pass.  Then,  on  emerging  from  the  Pig-market,  they  hear 
St.  Mary's  bells,  which  sound  to  them  sweeter  than  ever. 

Mrs.  Verdant  Green  is  especially  delighted  with  her  husband's 
voluminous  bachelor's  gown  and  white-furred  hood  (articles  which 
Mr.  Robert  Filcher,  when  helping  to  put  them  on  his  master  in 
the  ante-chamber,  had  declared  to  be  "  the  most  becomingest 
things  as  was  ever  wore  on  a  gentleman's  shoulders"),  and  forth 
with  carries  him  off  to  be  photographed  while  the  gloss  of  his 
new  glory  is  yet  upon  him.  Of  course,  Mr.  Verdant  Green  and 
all  the  new  Bachelors  are  most  profusely  "  capped ;"  and,  of 
course,  all  this  servile  homage — although  appreciated  at  its  full 
worth,  and  repaid  by  shillings  and  quarts  of  buttery  beer — of 
course  it  is  most  grateful  to  the  feelings,  and  is  as  delightfully 
intoxicating  to  the  imagination  as  any  incense  of  flattery  can  be. 

What  a  pride  does  Mr.  Verdant  Green  feel  as  he  takes  his 
bride  through  the  streets  of  his  beautiful  Oxford!  how  com 
placently  he  conducts  her  to  lunch  at  the  confectioner's  who  had 
applied  their  wedding-cake !  how  he  escorts  her  (under  the  pro- 


119         THE  ADVENTURES  OF  MR.  VERDANT  GREEK 

tence  of  making  purchases)  to  every  shop  at  which  he  has 
that  he  may  gratify  his  innocent  vanity  in  showing  off  his  charm 
ing  bride!  how  boldly  he  catches  at  the  merest  college  acquaint 
ance,  solely  that  he  may  have  the  proud  pleasure  of  introducing 
*'  My  wifeV' 

But  what  said  Mrs.  Tester,  the  bed-maker?  •'  Law  bless  you, 
sir!"  said  that  estimable  lady,  dabbing  her  curtseys  where  there 
were  stops,  like  the  beats  of  a  conductor's  baton — "  Law  bless 
you,  sir !  I've  bin  a  wife  meself,  sir.  And  I  knows  your  feelings." 

And  what  said  Mr.  Robert  Filcher?  "  Mr.  Verdant  Green," 
said  he,  "  I'm  sorry  as  how  you've  done  with  Oxford,  sir,  and 
that  we're  agoing  to  lose  you.  And  this  I  will  say,  sir !  if  ever 
there  was  a  gentleman  I  were  sorry  to  part  with,  it's  yon,  air. 
But  I  hopes,  sir,  that  you've  got  a  wife  as'll  be  a  good  wife  to 
yoa,  sir;  and  make  you  ten  times  happier  than  you've  been  ia 
Oxford,  sir !" 

And  so  say  we* 


*  " 


5  •* 


